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Sometimes, Clown hated everything.
Most things, at least. All things Leowook-related, certainly.
“Stay fucking still.”
It was tricky, to scent Leo properly with his mask in the way, but no way was Clown taking it off. He might go insane, more than he felt already.
“Relax, omega.” Leo was drawling, adjusting Clown by the back of his neck, which would have gotten him teeth scraping across his scent glands if not for the aforementioned mask. “I can take care of you.”
“Shut up.”
Just to make his point, Clown ground down on Leo’s thigh. He wasn’t even in heat, he swore, so this was even more ridiculous than the usual. He’d just woken up feeling needy, and jumped his teammate who actually knew his secondary sex about it.
Leo scoffed, hand still resting on Clown’s back, and Clown was noticeably not protesting about it. He hated it, of course. All of this.
“Sure. Don’t want Minute finding us, obviously.”
“Shut up.”
Leo didn’t get to question his very good, logical decision. Clown regretted nothing. Minute knowing he was an omega would only complicate things.
“Just saying… it’d help his confidence. You’re an omega, he’s an alpha, he can totally do what you can do.”
Clown hissed, considering driving his knee into Leo’s dick. He needed to shut up, or Minute was going to hear them. Even if they were in Leo’s room, the furthest from Minute’s of their three, Clown didn’t want to risk it.
“But, of course, you’re insecure.”
That did it. Clown pulled back, giving up trying to scent Leo—he smelt like shit anyway, it wasn’t worth it—and glared.
“It’s strategy, Leowook. You’re not supposed to know.”
“Branzy knows.”
Leo shrugged, with that one, all innocent like Clown wasn’t literally about to slap him.
Instead, scowling, he pushed the alpha away, completely forgetting that he was the one on Leo’s lap, and practically falling to the floor. Clown caught himself, just about, and stumbled upright, glaring daggers at Leowook like he could stab him to death like this.
“That-“ He caught himself again, this time in his voice, and shook his head to clear it. “That was different.”
“Sure. Dude, you’re a mess. You sure you’re not in heat?”
“Yes. I’m leaving.”
Leo wasn’t allowed to bring up Branzy. He just wasn’t. None of them were, not this season, because Clown was leaving Branzy alone this season.
“…Ok.”
Clown blinked, and realised he was still standing in Leo’s room. Frowning, he tried again, the anger in his voice turning on himself.
“I’m leaving.”
“Man, I think you’re in heat.”
“I am not.”
He hadn’t moved. Clown wrenched at his legs with his mind, because he hated Leowook a lot right now, with his stupid face and awful chalky-butterscotch scent, and he wanted to leave. Right now.
“Sure.” Leo reached for his blanket, and Clown nearly hissed at him. “While you’re leaving, I’m going back to bed.”
“Yeah. You do that, Leowook.”
Leo’s fingers curled around his blanket, and Clown realised he was staring at them. Leaving Branzy alone. Leaving his alpha alone. That was a good decision, just like keeping his secondary sex from his latest teammate. The two decisions might be related. Clown didn’t have to tell anyone anything.
He needed to leave. He needed to go be miserable and lonely and miserable in private.
Clown was still staring at Leo’s fingers. For no reason. He had no reason to do anything. His head was definitely functional right now. He should cut Leo’s fingers off. And fuck himself-
Clown shook his head, taking a small, numb step back. So fine. He was so fine.
“I’m leaving.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
Leo shrugged, pulling out his comm—probably messaging someone, and Clown didn’t like that, so he walked over and snatched it out of his hands.
“Hey- bitch!” Leo snatched for it, and Clown threw it across the room without thinking. “Clown! What- what was that for?”
Clown looked over his shoulder, saw the bent screen and cracked casing, and shrugged right back.
Leo stared at him, half aghast, half exasperated. It occurred to Clown that he really, really wanted something inside him right now. He could be in Leo’s bed right now, with his-
“You’re definitely in heat.”
Shaking his head slowly, Leo laughed, and Clown nearly slapped him. It was strange, his head was a rush of impulses, of blood in his veins and none in his knuckles, but his body was still. Eerily still.
After a moment, when he’d said nothing at all, Leo’s expression dropped back to a scowl, and he glared at Clown in a way Clown had decided to hate.
“Dude. You gonna do something about it, or you gonna keep breaking my shit?”
“I’m leaving.”
It felt like it was all he’d said for the past few minutes, which was good, because Clown couldn’t quite pin down why he wanted to punch Leo this badly.
“I’m getting Branzy.”
Leo rolled his eyes, and Clown physically felt himself twitch, his thoughts twitching back to life. Alpha. A real alpha, because Leo was terrible.
“Your comm’s broken.”
Clown nearly pointed, like a stupid, emotionless child, but Leo seemed to get the idea. The alpha swung his legs out of bed, and Clown took a step back, trying his hardest to glare up at him.
“No shit. I’m asking Minute.”
Panic. Clown panicked. At least on the inside. On the outside, his voice was flat.
“No, you’re not.”
“Clown, really hate to tell you that neither the intimidation nor the sex appeal’s working on me right now.”
Leo patted his shoulder, and Clown shot him a poisonous look. It was annoying. He was too unresponsive for threats, voice too empty to have any omega-charm. He didn’t know what was wrong with him.
“You’re not telling Minute, Leowook.”
That had an edge to it, somewhere between omega and murderer, and Clown turned to cross his arms at Leo, now across the room.
“Uh- yeah, I am. You need an alpha.”
“I’m not in heat.”
“Yeah, you are.”
“Am not.”
“You- are? Clown, dude, I- I don’t know how to tell you this.” Leo pulled a face, bemused and frustrated, and Clown wanted none of those emotions directed at him right now. “You’re not leaving me alone, you needed to scent me, it’s not rocket science. And you’re mated, so I’m not touching you.”
Again, Clown’s skin prickled like he’d been burnt, and he was driven a step closer to Leo, his voice dropping to a hiss.
“I am not, Leowook, and I have never been, mated.”
“I’ll mention it to your mate.”
Clown punched him. Hard, fast, and it was enough to make him feel alive again, as Leo staggered into the door, yelling curses.
“Fuck! Shit, fuck- Clown, what the hell?”
“Not mated.”
“Fuck, fine, don’t- don’t mess with the pissy omega, got it.” Leo rubbed his cheek, where Clown had punched him, and scowled at him. “This is why you’re in heat. Normal-Clown wouldn’t punch me for no reason.”
“I would, and I did.”
Leo was still forming a comeback, when they both heard footsteps. They both froze, too, although Clown was accompanied by the feeling of a cat caught in headlights.
“Guys? Leo- are you alright?”
Clown stared at Leo, panicked. No Minute. He didn’t want Minute to know about any of this.
Leo gave him a look right back, just as caught off guard and still looking furious.
Neither of them moved, before Minute was knocking sleepily on Leo’s door, and Clown was giving him death eyes.
“Leo?”
“Let’s get a second opinion.” Leo glared at Clown like he was nothing more than a an irritation, and yanked his door open. “Hi, Minute. Clown just punched me.”
Minute was standing in the doorway, wearing a baggy shirt and sleep shorts, looking extremely worried and confused, only getting worse when his eyes found both of them standing next to each other.
“Why? Clown- is everything ok?”
“Min, you can smell Clown. You think he’s ok?”
Clown couldn’t talk. Minute wasn’t supposed to be here. It was wrong, this was wrong, this was meant to be a secret and everything was going wrong.
“Uh- oh, shit.” Minute took a small step back, and now he was panicking too, his eyes darting back and forth faster and faster. “Is- is that a rut? I can go, sorry, I-“
“Not a rut, Min. Try again.” Leo crossed his arms now, looking down at a frozen Clown in pure frustration. “You’re close.”
“Clown, are you-“ Minute hesitated, looking back at Leo, like he was searching for advice. “In… heat?”
“No.”
“Yep.” Leo dragged it out, gritting his teeth as his eyes didn’t leave Clown for a second. “Not that he’s gonna tell you as much.”
Clown was having a terrible time. This was two alphas, both having painfully negative emotions towards him, and he needed to leave. He’d needed to leave five minutes ago. Everything was going wrong.
“What… what are we meant to do? Clown, do you need help?”
“No.”
“Oh, he does. I’d get him help, but…” Leo gestured pointedly at his broken communicator, and Clown didn’t so much as feel guilt, as Minute inhaled sharply. “No can do, on that front.”
“How- those things are meant to be indestructible.”
“Not for our omega, it seems.”
Clown flinched again, hand spasming at his sides. Minute was looking at him. Minute was looking at him, and he hated it.
“Min, could I have your comm?”
“Yeah, that… yeah.” Minute pulled it off his arm, handing it over without taking his eyes off Clown. “Sorry, Clown, I- I didn’t know-“
“You weren’t supposed to know.”
“…oh.”
Clown hated that too. He hated all of this. He wasn’t even paying attention to what Leo was doing.
He probably should have been.
The alpha dangled Minute’s comm in front of his face like a trophy, and Clown blinked at it like an idiot.
“Branzy’ll be here in ten minutes. Someone understands how serious heats are.”
“I’m leaving.”
“He has said that,” Leo turned his attention back to Minute, voice turning annoyed to the point of fury. “Four times.”
Minute just nodded, still staring at Clown in almost betrayal. It was ridiculous, really. Minute, the alpha, giving him aggrieved puppy eyes. Clown, the omega, feeling dead inside and wanting to be just as dead outside, staring.
Leo interrupted, sighing heavily and stepping between them, handing Minute’s communicator back like an aggrieved parent.
“Eight minutes. Min, it’s not personal. He was trying to protect you.”
Neither of them seemed about to speak. Leo sighed again, and took Clown’s arm, pulling him back to his bed, sitting him down firmly in the middle of an alpha’s scent. Minute was left standing by the door, until Leo crossed back over to him, and hugged him, murmuring something Clown couldn’t manage to regret not hearing.
Leowook, the idiot he was, might have done something useful. Not that he smelled nice. Even Minute smelled better, a scent of charcoal and something cleanly floral. But it was something, and Clown relaxed a little, pushing himself back against the wall as he watched his teammates warily.
The time seemed to pass. Leo stopped hugging Minute, but they continued to talk, and Clown didn’t know if he’d gone deaf or was too stupid to understand, but he couldn’t hear them either way.
He got a few looks, though. Minute began to relax, after a while. Clown wasn’t thinking about any of it.
This didn’t feel like a heat. He wasn’t hot, not hotter than usual. He was just numb, and there was a gnawing ache of abandonment, for no good reason at all.
Minute’s comm buzzed. Clown felt like he was watching a silent movie. He tilted his head, trying to make sense of the scene. Black and white, no sound, he couldn’t move past this single perspective.
Even as Leo left, and Clown was left with a single character on screen to entertain him. Minute was mute anyway, staring back at him, through the screen, and Clown felt like he might be in pain. The world was fading at the edges. His screen was corroding.
Minute looked away, and Clown mirrored him, staring blankly at the doorway.
Then he blinked, and Branzy was in front of him, and Clown felt like something inside him was uncurling.
“Minute messaged. What- what’s wrong?”
“He’s in heat. But- being weird about it.” Leo sat next to Clown, rubbing his back gently as he blinked, and blinked hard again. “Hey, earth to omega. Anything in that head?”
Leo rapped his knuckles against Clown’s mask, and that did it. In a movement, he’d grabbed his teammate’s wrist, and shoved him against the wall, and was looking back to Branzy, hopeful beyond belief.
Branzy shot him a grin, and Clown felt alright inside. Just a little bit.
“I- I think he’s fine, Leo. Come on, Clown, uppies.” Standing up, Branzy held out his hands, taking Clown’s firmly and hauling him to his feet. “Which- which one’s his room?”
“Next down the corridor. Thanks, by the way.”
“No- no problem.” Branzy nodded cheerfully to Leo, as he half-dragged Clown out of his room, one arm around his waist. “Nice to see you, by- by the way, Clown.”
Not so nice to see him. Clown was remembering why he’d wanted to keep his distance. He was bad for Branzy. Everything was bad right now, because it was good.
In his room, Clown practically fell onto Branzy and his bed, pushing his mask against his neck, whining when he could barely smell his alpha. He heard Branzy laugh, pushing his head back with shaking hands, undoing the straps of his mask with capable fingers, and Clown… let him. Just let him.
Let him, because once his mask was off, he was blinking down at the alpha, his alpha, with flushed cheeks and bright eyes and Clown was kissing him, scenting mostly forgotten, because Branzy was purple and he bled scarlet and he was as far from black and white as it was possible to get.
“Ok- ok- Clown! Wait-“
Clown paused, pulling back. His heart was racing again, it was like a switch had flipped. Branzy was giggling under him, under him, and it made his skin feel hot in the best way. His alpha was happy.
But Branzy wasn’t his alpha. Clown tried to remember that, but it was slippery, compared to the ease of everything. He was trying to let Branzy have his own life.
Fuck that.
“What- what’s going on? Before you-“
Clown stared at him blankly. Then tried to kiss him again, only for Branzy to push him away, grinning.
“-do that, Clown, o- ok?
Talk. Talking. He could do that.
Clown didn’t say anything. It was a strange limbo, not wanting to disobey his alpha by moving onto him again, and being strangely unable to say anything.
“Are- are you really in heat?” Branzy stroked Clown’s cheek, a nervous excitement in his eyes. Everything about him was nervous, and it made Clown’s thoughts purr in protectiveness. “I- I just need to- to be sure.”
All Clown offered was a small shrug. He honestly didn’t know. He felt weird, it seemed likely. He just wanted to be closer to Branzy right now. He could regret everything later.
“M- mhm, that’s… useful, thanks, Clown.”
Clown growled, softly, just non-threatening enough to come out as a request. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could carry on being above Branzy, not allowed to touch him.
Branzy eyed him for a moment, and Clown caught half an edge of the faintest confusion. Enough for the part of him still conscious to ache. Branzy didn’t know why he was here. He was playing along, because he loved him, but that was why Clown hadn’t wanted him here at all.
“…ok.” Branzy gave the smallest nod, smiling like any of this was as natural as it felt. “We- we can talk later.”
That was all the permission Clown needed. He went back to scenting Branzy viciously, barely resisting the urge to sink his teeth into the alpha’s neck. Omegas didn’t mark.
It was heady. Branzy smelled of sugar and lavender and gunpowder, and Clown felt himself relax, his head feeling alright, finally. His alpha, under him, and everything made sense again.
Coherence crept up on him.
Dread coursed through his body, as Clown felt Branzy’s heartbeat against his chest. Too gentle, too relaxed, too willing, even when there was no reason for him to be here at all.
This wasn’t what he’d wanted. Not at all. Clown hadn’t meant to drag Branzy into any of this. Not when he had his own plan this season, a good one, one that didn’t need Clown’s problems.
Clown could feel his ears ringing, as he shifted, trying to find an angle that got Branzy further away from him. He just ended up on top again, staring at his alpha staring back, eyes wide and worried and confused.
“C- Clown-?”
“No.”
Clown threw himself off Branzy before his instincts could catch up, stumbling backwards until he hit the wall, and slid down it. His hands were shaking. Everything in him was shaking, as everything he hadn’t felt hit him all at once.
He wanted Branzy. So badly. His body was crying out, need pulsing under his skin. But Clown could control himself. He had to control himself, or he was going to ruin his alpha’s life.
“Clown?” Branzy was sitting up, now, and he looked so lost Clown wanted to kiss him until he forgot everything. “Is- is something wrong?”
“No. You… should go. You need to go.”
“But- you’re-“
“I’m fine.” Clown put too much weight on it, and stumbled, his heart catching in his throat. “You- you need to go, Branzy.”
He couldn’t beg for it. Not just his pride, but his own voice wouldn’t let him beg his alpha to leave. Clown was barely clinging on as it was, all self-control sliding out of reach the longer he sat on the floor, staring in numb horror at Branzy.
Branzy, who hesitated, and seemed to straighten, in a way that made something cool in Clown’s gut. It looked like he was preparing for something.
“Clown, you- you need an alpha. You can’t-“
“Can. Will.” Clown winced, aware of how much weaker his voice was getting by the word. “Go. Please.”
“No. Clown, what- what’s wrong with me?”
Branzy gave him those puppy eyes, the ones brimming with shining tears, with the sharp edge of silver underneath that, if Clown had been a little more in his right mind, he could have spotted as an obvious guilt-trip.
As it was, it worked like a charm, and Clown went dizzy as his instincts finally began to break down his walls, pouncing viciously on the stupid, stupid part of him that had upset his alpha.
“No, Branzy, it… it’s not you. It’s… me, look, just-“ Clown bit down on his knuckle, anxiety mounting as his mind felt like it was tearing itself in two. “Just….”
His head splintered again, and Clown heard himself make a keening noise. There was a ringing in his ears, that wouldn’t let up, a painful shriek of self-hatred from both sides of him. He pressed his hands over his ears, eyes screwed shut, hating his body and his mind.
Branzy was on him in an instant. Clown whined again, at the scent of sugar and ash surrounding him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to pull away.
Everything was loud. Maybe it was just in his head. Branzy wasn’t talking, just pulling him closer, close enough to carry him the few steps back to his bed, and Clown was sure he hadn’t been able to do that a few seasons ago. It was heady in a whole new way, being full supported by his alpha, feeling weightless, just for a few moments.
Branzy was still smothering him, even as Clown tried to hiss, tried to fight, but couldn’t bring himself to lash out. Not when his alpha was nuzzling against his neck, arms locked around his waist, murmuring soft nothings even as Clown practically vibrated from tension in his arms.
“Ok, ok, I- I hear you. You’re fine, Clown, you’re so fine. I’m- I’m here anyway, I- I might as well help you, right?” Branzy moved one of his hands to Clown’s face, wiping his eyes gently as he pulled away, just by a few inches. “Hey. This is- really scary, ok? What’s wrong?”
Clown shook his head, hating everything with a fire that rivalled the warmth under his skin. He hated Branzy seeing him like this. Falling apart by any definition, sniffling and clinging and trying to hold himself together when it all felt useless.
And nothing was wrong. Nothing was wrong with Branzy, it was Clown, who wanted to give him a chance. He’d thought he could control that.
“C’mon, Clown…” Sighing, Branzy trailed off, hugging Clown tighter like a teddy bear, resting his chin on the omega’s head. “You- you smell nice. Dunno why I- why I jumped you like that.”
“Instincts.” Clown sniffed, shifting against Branzy, feeling what lurk restraint he had washing away like splinters in a receding tide. “It’s… normal.”
“I- I guess. Sorry, anyway. You good there?”
Clown nodded. He was fine. He felt better than he had for most of today. It was Branzy he was worried about.
But, when he tried to squirm quietly out of the alpha’s lap, Branzy’s fingers dug into his sides, and a low purr that turned into a giggle made Clown go limp.
“Oh, that- that worked.” Branzy ran his hands up and down Clown’s sides, soothing over where he’d held on a little too tight as he grinned. “Not sure why, but I just- I just sort of feel like you’ll run if I let go.”
“Probably will.”
Clown felt a little horrified at himself, somewhere deep inside him. This wasn’t him. None of this had been him. Minute didn’t know he was an omega, Branzy wasn’t having to bother with him, Leo wasn’t justly furious with him for a variety of reasons.
But he felt bad. He hated being an omega anyway, but this made him so much more aware of it. His body ached, in some abstract, undefinable way, and his mind was plasticine mush, and it eased a little of the burden of his existence, to curl against Branzy, making some sound between a growl and a whimper.
Clown wished he had normal heats. It would be easier, in some awful way, if he could just blackmail Leo into fucking him once a month, and viciously block it out the rest of his life. But no, he wiped his mind of the discomfort each cycle, and still it came again, when his body jolted his mind out of sync and everything started feeling wrong for some reason he could never discern until it was too late.
“You need to- to stop thinking.” Branzy laughed softly, and Clown’s thoughts melted instantly, like it really had been a command. “I can- I can feel you worrying. Just- pretend I’m not here. Let- let me take care of you for once.”
Branzy shouldn’t want him. Clown was shivering, wanting to retch, unable to move away from his alpha even by an inch. Even if he wanted to, so badly.
With a small, huffy sort of sigh, Branzy pressed his wrist to Clown’s nose, and purred in satisfaction when the omega scraped his teeth against scent glands like an animal.
“There we go. You- you can carry on kissing me, if that’ll distract you. That was fun.”
Clown wasn’t in the mood for kissing. He hadn’t been, really, it had been a moment of madness, a spike in painful passion that had overwhelmed him.
He licked Branzy’s wrist instead, tasting his own tears or something else, and curling up tighter either way. He wanted done with this.
“Or- or you can sleep. That sound good, Clown?”
Clown was past communication. Past everything, to be honest. Past caring, even if he wanted to, some base, conscious part of himself wanting to protect Branzy from himself.
But he could sleep. He was so tired. He’d been exhausting himself, fighting back and forth only to end up where this had all started. Too close to Branzy, his guard too far down.
He could sleep.