Chapter Text
I look in the mirror, but the reflection I see is not mine. I should see a girl who everyone says is pretty, but is not with eye bags the color of the night, a stomach that just doesn’t seem to get smaller no matter how little she eats and greasy brown hair that she wishes so badly would turn blonde. No. Instead I see a beautiful girl, with blonde hair that seems to flow off her head, a waist so perfect you can’t even see that the girl has a stomach, and a face so perfect and beautiful that she doesn’t even need makeup.
“Hello,” the stranger says with a smile, her sharp canine teeth shining in the early morning sun. “My name is Oraz, what’s yours?”
“Oh, my name is El-”
“Oh no, silly me, I forgot. I already know everything about you,” Oraz says, cutting me off.
“You do?” I say, my voice small and meek, coming out in a way that makes me cringe.
“Yes! Of course! I know all about your pathetic crush on your best friend, which is just straight crazy if you think a little pathetic bitch like you would deserve someone like her. Or the fact that you think that you deserve a life. Clearly you are stupid, but don’t worry, I’m here so I can tell you just how stupid you are and help you make some good choices.”
“Okay…” I say, knowing how right she is and liking the sound of her helping me from messing up again, considering that the only thing I seem to do is mess up. Oraz then steps out of my mirror and only then do I notice the horns and pointy tail that she has. But by now I don’t care about the apparition body in front of me. I’m too sucked into her words, sorta like I’m under a spell. But Oraz would never do that to me, because she’s just here to help!
“Oraz! What are you doing!?” Another voice sings from my mirror, and when I look I see that she looks exactly like Oraz but she has wings instead of a tail, and a halo instead of horns.
“Sister!” Oraz says “I was just talking to my new friend Elena. Elena, this is my sister, Mara.”
“Wh-” Mara's sentence gets cut off when her gaze falls on me and she stares at me for what feels like forever, making me squirm under her intense gaze. When she finally looks away from me it’s to glare at Oraz as she steps out from my mirror and steps towards me.
“Oh, baby, don’t let her tell you that you are not good enough. You are so beautiful and so perfect just the way you are.” I shake my head at Mara’s words knowing that she is lying to me.
At that I see tears start to form in her eyes and I instantly dig my fingernails into my arm in punishment myself for making her feel bad. When she sees that, she grabs my hands and cups my face with them. “It’s okay if you don’t believe that you are beautiful, but trust me when I say that you are.”
My mom yells from downstairs for me to get in the car because we are leaving for school. Mara and Oraz instantly disappear, leaving me all alone again. I sigh as the cold I’ve been feeling for what seems like all my life seeps into me again. I wonder where Mara and Oraz went. Maybe I’m just going so crazy that I’m manifesting them, or I'm just dreaming. I wish I was dreaming, that everything from middle school has been a dream. But I know I don’t deserve that, like Oraz said, I don’t deserve anything. I have to always be inconsolable. My mom yells for me again, this time from the other side of the door snapping me out of my thoughts.
I quickly run around my room grabbing everything I need for school along with the notes I have written in case I finally become brave enough to-
“Elena! How many times must I tell you, we need to leave. You can’t be late for school!” my mom says as she steps into my room. I quickly put on my emotion-free mask and turn around, making sure that I have a smile that says ‘I’m fine, everything is fine.’ When I look at my mom, I see that she is fuming, smoke practically coming out of her ears. “Are you coming or not? Because I have an appointment that starts in 15 minutes. You better get your ass in the car right now.”
“Coming! I just had to put my makeup on!” I say, the lie slipping out of my mouth with ease. Because all you do is lie, especially to yourself. Like how could you even believe that you are pretty?
Oraz! I think a better question is why are you lying to her! She is so pretty! You have to be blind to to see it.
No! You are lying!
No, I’m not!
Yes you are!
Am not!
Am too!
Am not!
Am too!
I grit my teeth as I run down the stairs after my mom, not wanting to show to her how fast my breathing is picking up from Mara and Oraz’s words. I get into my mom’s gray car and slam the door after me. Once I’m in, my mom starts to drive, not even waiting long enough for me to buckle my seat belt. After a few minutes of Mara and Oraz yelling in my head, their voices become a murmur. I think that all the yelling for the morning has stopped. By then my mom sucks in a big breath, one I have learned to recognize as what she does before she starts yelling, and I mentally prepare myself to be berated with everything my mom has a problem with me doing.
“I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW IT TAKES A HALF AN HOUR TO GET READY! HOW STUPID MUST YOU BE-”
YEAH HOW?! HOW DID YOU BECOME THIS STUPID!? LIKE HOW DO YOU EVEN-
Don’t listen to them. You are doing your best! No one should-
“LIKE HOW COULD A LITTLE STUPID LITTLE BITCH LIKE YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU! I WORK MY ASS OFF JUST TO KEEP YOU FEED! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN?! DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME?! YOU ARE SUCH A UNGRATEFUL LITTLE-”
HOW?! I CAN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE STILL ALIVE! HOW SOMEONE LIKE YOU HAS NOT DIED?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?!
My breath picks up, everything turns into a blur. Why am I alive? Why am I here? No one likes me. Sophia doesn’t like me. She hates me. Everyone hates me. I hate myself. Why am I here? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
“Elena?” Sophia's voice brings me back to the present. Her voice brings me back. I can almost tell what is happening, but a part of me is still there, still in the world where Oraz is the queen, where all I do is get tormented because all I am is an ungrateful little- “I need you to focus on my voice. Breathe in, breathe out. I’ve got you.”
It’s only then that I realize I’ve been crying and that Sophia is hugging me, shielding me from all the other kids around us in front of the school. I’m still in the car, with my backpack on my lap. I look up at my mom and her eyes are full of concern. Well, look at that, her mask is back on again. I wonder where I got the ability to do that from.
“Thank you,” I tell Sophia, my voice a whisper.
“Of course,” she says back, her voice the same level as mine. “Are you okay?”
When she asks that, I sit up fully, wipe my eyes and put on my smile. There it is, the mask is back on. I hope no one else saw. I’m supposed to be the happy kid, the kid who loves herself, who is kind to everyone. Not the one who has pathetic panic attacks on the way to school.
“Yeah, of course. I don't know what happened there,” I say to Sophia with a smile. She gives one back but hers has some hesitation in it, almost like she could tell I was lying. I almost think for a second that she is going to ask me more questions but she nods her head and gets out of the way to let me out. I thank my mom for driving me to school, grab my bag and head out after Sophia, who is already walking to our friends.
— — —
After what feels like a million years later I’m sitting on my floor packing for a sleepover with Sophia that we planned a week ago for her birthday. So far I think I have everything packed but I’m not sure. I run over the list in my head one more time. Toothbrush, toothpaste, clothes for tomorrow, pjs, hair brush, Sophia’s birthday gift, the letters, and something to make the letters useful. It’s a knife, Elena, why can’t you just say that it’s a knife? Oh, shut up, Oraz. I’m positive I have everything but a voice in the back of my head keeps on telling me I don't. Even as I head outside and start to walk to Sophia’s house it keeps on talking giving me an ominous feeling, I know that I have everything and that this voice is just always there, but still, I cant help but let it keep on bothering me.
When I get to Sophia’s house, I knock on the door and her mom lets me in, telling me that Sophia is upstairs in her room. I run up the stairs two at a time as Oraz starts to talk again. Maybe she doesn’t want you here. Maybe she just feels bad for you and is secretly wishing you don’t come at all. Maybe sh-
“Elena! Finally! What took you so long?!” Sophia shouts the second I get upstairs, welcoming me with a giant hug.
“I’ve missed you too!” I yell back, with as much fake enthusiasm as I can muster up. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to be here, but my brain just won’t shut up and I really wish I was just at my house in my bed cuddled up with a good gay romance book. It’s then that I realize what Sofia would really love for her birthday.
“Come in! I just need to grab us a few drinks before we start our movie marathon, but you can sit down on my bed,” Sophia says as she lets go from our hug and starts to head downstairs. I nod and head into her room, putting my bag down next to the door. But instead of going to sit on her bed, I leave a letter and her gift on it and head to her bathroom to give her a final birthday gift.
Yes, finally! I knew you would come around, finally everyone will be at peace and not have to worry about-
NOOO! DON’T! PLEASE, I PROMISE YOU, NO ONE WANTS YOU TO D-
Don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, just listen to me. I bring the knife to my chest resting it against my skin. There you go, now all you have to do is push, you got this I know yo-
ELENA! DON’T YOU DARE! PLEASE DON’T. PLEASE-
You got this, I know you can, just push a little harder. Your death is imminent. I start to push, my skin starts to bleed, it becomes hazy, I’m going to do it! I’m finally going to do someone right just a little bit-
“ELENA! NO! PLEASE!” The sound of Sophia’s voice makes me turn around and drop the knife. Sophia runs forward and catches me as I fall down, she lowers me to the ground and I hear her dial 911 as the world starts to fade. “No, please, I love you,” Sophia says through broken sobs. I try to respond but the world fades to black.