Work Text:
Sigma moved out of the agency dorms after getting his first paycheck.
Atsushi sat with him as he folded his clothes from the Sky Casino. He watched as his friend boxed up a used coffeemaker, and he helped roll the bottles of conditioner, body wash, and shampoo in small towels. Sigma was worried about them leaking during the move to his new apartment.
Sigma had spent all of his first paycheck on the first three months' rent of his new place. He hadn't been eating, and Atsushi had noticed. His friend hadn't bought anything that wasn't a necessity.
-
The coffeemaker had been a push by the Agency to have something to keep him upright, out of concern for their new coworker's well-being.
The threat of his work quality decreasing because of exhaustion almost seemed to shock Sigma out of his chair, fists tightening in his lap. That day, Atsushi found himself standing next to a frantic Sigma, in a thrift store, as he tried to calm him down.
"Atsushi, how the hell is a used coffeemaker so expensive?"
Atsushi smiled, helplessly. "Sigma, it's 800 yen. We can split the cost if it would help you feel better?"
"NO!"
Sigma shrunk immediately after his outburst, long hair covering his face as he looked to the floor. "Sorry, Atsushi. I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just, if you cover half of it, then you own half of it, and that's not something I'm okay with right now."
Hastily, he grabbed the machine, and speed walked over to the register. Atsushi trailed behind him, lost in his own head, his stomach squeezing with the worry he feels about Sigma's adamantly hyper-independent behavior.
He doesn't know how to help, and it makes him feel sick.
-
Atsushi is worried, the entirety of the Agency is stressed out over how sick their new member is making himself. They're holding a meeting on how to approach the situation.
Yosano is adamant that Sigma needs proper counseling and medication, treatment she can't give him. She has a list of therapists she plans to recommend him, with her capped pen repeatedly skimming down the list.
Dazai is unnervingly withdrawn during the meeting, his usual antics nowhere to be seen.
Kunikida is the epitome of composed, but the disheveled state of his nails give away his stress. No one says anything about them, not wanting to raise his cortisol any higher than it already is.
Fukuzawa heads the table, as Ranpo walks them through their powerpoint. He won't show it, but he's really scared as well.
What they need is to stage an intervention.
A consensus is reached. Atsushi will be the one to try and save Sigma from no greater danger than the interior of his own skull. Dazai was considered, but Sigma does not trust him like he does Atsushi.
Atsushi doesn't know if he can do this. He'll try anyway.
-
The breaking point comes when Sigma faints at work.
He stood up from his desk, face paling alarmingly. A single squeak left his mouth, drawing the attention of his coworkers, before he crumpled to the floor.
Yosano was across the room in seconds, at his side moments after his body hit the floor.
Her body was visibly tense as she placed her hand against the unconscious man's forehead.
Something like fear colored her voice as she began barking orders.
"Kunikida, help me lift him and carry him to my office. Ranpo, go set up the bed in the infirmary. Dazai, go grab my regular physician kit."
Everyone scrambled to follow the Agency doctor's orders, noting the strain in her voice as she examined Sigma's limbs and skull for any potential injury from his sudden collapse.
Atsushi hovered by his desk, his stomach tightening with fear. His friend had never been this sick before. He didn't know what to do.
-
Sigma didn't wake up for several hours, during which Yosano hooked him up to an IV. She quietly explained to Atsushi that Sigma was severely deficient in a lot of vitamins, and since he hadn't been eating, would need to start taking a myriad of supplements.
Atsushi stared at the unconscious body of his friend, and he was afraid. He was terrified that he wouldn't be able to stop this, wouldn't be strong enough to pull his friend out of this spiral.
When Sigma woke up, he wasn't lucid, instead behaving as if he were in a dreamlike state.
Yosano kicked Atsushi out of the room to explain the situation to the man in the infirmary.
Atsushi leaned against the wall outside the room, and tried not to think about how small Sigma seemed curled up in the bed, with white sheets tangling around his legs and eyebags heavy enough to rival Poe's.
(He doesn't know how to fix this.)
-
The day afterwards, Atsushi asked Sigma to meet him in the Agency's boardroom during their lunch break.
He watched as his friend walked in the doorway. "You wanted to meet with me, Atsushi? Do we have a new case or something?"
As Sigma came to sit in the chair across from Atsushi, the younger boy walked over to close the door. Privacy was needed for the conversation he was about to initiate.
Atsushi took a deep breath, and swallowed nervously. He steeled his nerves.
"Sigma, I'm really worried about you."
Immediately, the other man seemed on guard. "You don't need to worry about me, Atsushi. I'm fine."
Protests erupted from Atsushi's mouth, hands fisting his pant legs. "You fainted yesterday! In the middle of the office! You never eat with us, and you certainly never eat at home, and I'm scared, Sigma! You're hurting yourself, badly! You saw how long the list of all the vitamin supplements that Yosano prescribed you was!"
Sigma stood, abruptly, hands flat on the table as he leaned over the table towards Atsushi.
"I don't know what to tell you, Atsushi! I don't eat, because I have to save money. I don't even really need to eat food, because I'm not a real person! I came out of pages, I was literally born from ink! I can survive starvation, I have made it through far worse! I'm not going to spend more money than I have to, on anything at all, because I need to create a financial safety net for myself!"
"But Sigma—you're hurting yourself! Don't you see that not eating is hurting you? How do you not understand how scared we are for you?"
"I don't care, Atsushi!" His voice pitched higher, frantic. "You don't get it! If I don't have security, then I have nothing at all!"
His hands came up to his hair to start tearing at it. "I'm not okay with relying on anyone else, it doesn't work like that for me! I will lean on my own shoulders for the rest of my life! If I say they don't hurt, then they don't! It's—I'm not you, Atsushi! I can't trust other people like that, it's dangerous! It's so fucking scary, all of the time, and I hate it! The idea that if one thing goes wrong my life could fall apart in one miserable, horrifying second literally keeps me up at night!"
Then suddenly, Sigma's entire body seemed to slump with exhaustion, crashing over his form like a wave. He brought his hands up over his face, and fell back into his chair. He looked across the table at Atsushi, noting how distressed his friend looked. His arms fell to hold his sides.
"I don't understand how we're so similar yet so different. Look at you, you came from origins just as miserable as mine are. How are you so comfortable sleeping in the dorms? Using a fridge you don't own, sleeping on a mattress you don't own? How can you get your paycheck and just—just fucking walk into the grocery store, and blow it all on food? How do you deal with that? You—you all act like it doesn't scare you! You all seem so fucking fine with being reliant on other people! How is everyone so fucking calm about being dependent on someone else? I don't fucking understand it!"
He sagged with exhaustion. Sliding out of his chair, he kneeled on the floor beside the conference table, arms holding his sides as he slowly rocked back and forth.
Sigma whispered, brokenly, as if the words themselves were a curse. "I just don't get it."
Atsushi got up and walked around the table, slowly lowering himself down in front of Sigma, kneeling in front of his friend.
"I wasn't always okay with relying on the Agency either, Sigma."
Atsushi looked down at Sigma's hands, poorly folded in his lap, and slowly reached out to hold them in his own.
"When I first joined, I only had the rags on my back, filthy and tattered after two weeks of living on the streets. I'd been kicked out of the orphanage, because of a certain field-ravaging tiger who turned out to be me. When I joined, the agency put together an outfit for me to wear, one article of clothing from every member."
His voice fell to a whisper. "It was the first gift I had ever received. I didn't understand it, not at all. When I got my first paycheck, I tried to pay everyone back for how much each item would have cost. I remember they looked really sad, and Dazai looked—almost hollow, I think, as he tried to explain the concept of a gift to me."
Sigma looked like he understood. "Is it—is it common, then, for people like us to want everything to be even? To want a fair trade, a perfect middle ground?"
Atsushi laughed, quiet and sad. "I'm not sure. I know a lot of Buddhists think like that. It's what people like us are taught, that our value lies in measurable quantities to other people. If you can't provide financially, then you try to give it to them in other ways."
Atsushi looked directly in Sigma's eyes as he enunciated his next words. "But it doesn't work like that. Not in the world at large, and especially not in the Agency. It's weird, and unconventional for sure, but we are somewhat of a family. You're a part of it, Sigma, and you're really scaring us. We're paid more than just a living wage, you can buy groceries. You don't need to set aside every dollar you have left after rent. We want you to be happy, we all really care about you."
Atsushi slowly stood, pulling Sigma up with him. He slung an arm around his friend, with all the casual movements of Dazai. He held him a little bit tighter.
"I can't fix it all for you right now. Your mindset is something you'll have to unlearn over time."
Pulling away, Atsushi moved in front of his friend and held out his hand to take.
"For now, do you want to get lunch with the Agency? It's on Fukuzawa's tab. We won't force you to eat anything if you don't want to. It's all your choice, but if you want, we can split a meal!"
Sigma smiled, shakily, as he took Atsushi's hand and allowed himself to be pulled downstairs to the cafe.
I guess I could eat something right now.