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Tommy Innit was so done with this shit. The fuckass espresso machine decided to break again, because it was an absolute bitch that had obviously decided that it had the biggest vendetta against Tommy ever, for no good reason because Tommy was fucking amazing.
So yeah, he was running late when he was walking home that evening. And yeah, that meant that Tubbo was probably going to murder him. This entire fiasco was not made much better by the fact that Tommy had neglected to charge his phone, so it was just sitting in his pocket being entirely useless and dead like a fucking loser of an electronic brick.
Maybe he should start thinking about what he wanted to say to Tubbo. ‘Sorry I’m late, please don’t kill me?’ Would that even work? Probably not. Maybe he should get an appropriate bribe. Yeah, that seemed like a good idea.
But no, then he would be even later. Would the additional lateness be negated by the promise of chocolate? Possibly. Tommy lined up his two options and saw the choice between definite murder (no chocolate), and probable murder (chocolate), and he decided to choose probable murder and make a quick stop at the convenience store down the road.
It was a small shop, situated on a corner with a neon sign that blinked on and off sporadically. The bell chimed as Tommy entered, and a lanky teen with split dyed hair looked up weakly from behind the counter.
“Hi, how can I help you?” they said, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”
Tommy looked around. He was the only customer in the shop. Great. “Well,” he paused to squint at the tiny name tag the cashier was wearing, “Ranboo, I am looking for chocolate that would be appropriate to bribe my friend with.”
Ranboo looked extremely panicked, “Wait, how did you know my name?”
“Your name tag?” Tommy pointed out.
Ranboo glanced down, looking rather surprised to see that their name tag actually did exist, and it did say ‘Ranboo.’ “Oh. Right.”
The two of them stared at each other rather blankly for quite an extended period of time. Tommy was determined not to lose the staring contest and Ranboo looked like they wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground and bury themself alive.
Ranboo broke eye contact first, looking the other way, and Tommy sighed in disappointment. “Chocolate suggestions or what?”
“Oh, uh, chocolate?”
“Yes? Which one is best to bribe people with?”
“Bribe?”
“Yes, bribe Ranboob, are you even listening to what I’m saying? I need an adequate bribe so I don’t get murdered.”
Ranboo’s eyes widened, “Murder?”
“Yes, murder,” Tommy nodded gravely. “Now quickly, we’re wasting time. Every second we spend here is another second that I get closer to my inevitable death.”
“Well, do you know what your friend likes?”
“Sugar.”
“But aside from that?”
“More sugar?” Tommy replied, very confused.
“But like what specifically?”
“Mountains of sugar?”
“No, what kind of chocolate?”
“The kind that has sugar?”
“But like-”
Their extremely intellectual conversation was rather abruptly and rather rudely cut off by the sound of smashing glass. Tommy glanced over to the window and saw a masked figure wearing a blindfold crawling through. They were probably irrelevant, and also kind of stupid because why would you crawl through the window like an idiotic centipede when there was a perfectly functional door?
“So anyways, what recommendations are you giving me?” Tommy turned back to see Ranboob hiding under the counter. “Is there chocolate under the counter?”
The blindfolded figure was now getting closer to them, so Tommy did the only logical thing he could think of and said, “Do you have any chocolate recommendations for my friend? It needs sugar.”
The figure paused from where he was dramatically shaking glass shards out of his coat. “What?”
“You’re a fucking dumbass, you know that? Why the fuck would you just not walk in through the door, like a normal customer,” Tommy pointed out, because he was just such a kind and charitable person helping people find their way to the appropriate entrance.
“Do you even know who I am?” the figure demanded, which was rude. Was he just completely ignoring Tommy’s advice?
“A fucking dumbass who doesn’t know how door handles work?”
The figure took a couple steps backwards, clutching their chest in horror. “I’m Siren.”
There was a rather lengthy pause and Tommy peeked behind the counter to see if Ranboo knew what the fuck that was meant to mean. Evidently they did, as they were huddled in a small ball frantically jamming a button. “Sorry, who?” Tommy said, “The fuck is a Siren? Like a fish person?”
The newcomer, apparently called Siren, gaped at Tommy. “How the fuck do you not know who I am?”
“Sorry, guess you’re just not very relevant," Tommy said. “You look like shit though.”
“What?”
“The trenchcoat is a bit stupid, don’t you think? Seems a bit impractical. And what the fuck is that blindfold meant to do, it looks stupid as shit. Also the skinny jeans are just a bad fashion choice dude, no one I know would ever willingly wear skinny jeans.”
Siren gaped at Tommy for a few moments before speaking up, “Fuck you child, there is nothing wrong with my fashion sense.”
“First of all, I am not a child, I am a very big man. And second of all, even if your fashion sense was fine, which it’s not, there is also something, very, very wrong with your hairline.”
“My hairline is perfectly fine, thank you very much.”
Tommy mouthed ‘receding’ at Siren, and for some reason Siren seemed to take quite a lot of offense to that.
“You know what, child,” Siren said, drawing his chest up, “It doesn’t even matter if you know who I am, because you’re going to know who I am. I’m in the top ten villains in L’Manburg. You’re looking at villain number four right now.”
“Yikes,” Tommy said. “Not even top three? Surely you can do better than that. And besides, you’re probably lying because why the fuck would such a good villain be stupid enough to not know how door handles work, and why would a top villain be breaking into this fucking convenience store?”
“I have my reasons,” Siren insisted in what was totally not an ominous manner. “Now empty the register.”
Tommy laughed, “Bitch, I don’t even work here I don’t know what the fuck you want from me.”
Siren frowned, “Then who works here?”
Ranboo made a whimpering noise from behind the counter, and Tommy stepped in front of the entrance. “Oh no you don’t, not to my good friend Ranboob.”
“Ranboob?” Siren asked. “What?”
It was at that point that there was a second smashing sound and the other window shattered, and a man with a red furred cape and golden crown came somersaulting through the wreckage. Was the door really that hard to find?
The three of them kinda just stared at each other in silence for a bit, Ranboo peeking their head over the top of the counter.
“Uh, hi new person.” Tommy spoke up, because this was getting awkward. “You, uh, come here a lot?”
Siren was glaring at the newcomer, pistol drawn from what seemed like thin air. “You.”
The new person grinned, “Me.”
“Sorry guys,” Tommy cut in, “But I’m a bit confused. Who the fuck are you?”
From next to him, he vaguely heard Ranboo mumble something along the lines of, “Can you just stop talking?” but Tommy chose to mishear this as “Can you please keep talking?” and barrelled ahead.
“Do you not know who I am?” the new person said, “I feel like I’m a pretty recognisable figure.”
“No? Why the fuck do people keep saying that? Why would I possibly know who you are? You both just look like weirdass grown men playing dress up in stupid outfits.”
Tommy was pretty sure he heard another mumbled shut up from behind the counter. He chose to ignore it.
The figure with the cape sighed, “I’m the Blade, y’know? The vigilante?”
Tommy paused to think for a bit. “No, don’t know you. Anyways, do you have any good chocolate recommendations for me? I’m trying not to get murdered.”
“Murdered by Siren?” the Blade asked, pulling a massive fucking sword from his cape. Holy shit. This was the coolest sword Tommy had ever seen in his life. It had a gold hilt studded with emeralds and rubies, and it was fucking sharp and it looked like it could run you through clean. It was so much better than Siren’s wimpy ass pistol.
“Holy shit, cool sword,” Tommy said, and then because he had absolutely no brain to mouth filter, “Can I have it?”
The Blade—who Tommy was beginning to slowly understand his name—lowered his sword an inch. “No? I’m trying to defend you, didn’t you just say Siren was trying to murder you.”
Tommy shook his head, “No, you have it all wrong. Siren’s too stupid to murder me, he can’t even find the front door, kind of like you actually. My friend is trying to murder me. Siren is just some dumbass loser who’s cosplaying as a great villain or whatever but is actually just robbing a convenience store.”
The Blade squinted at Siren for a beat, “Are you actually trying to rob a convenience store?”
“Maybe?” Siren shrugged. “I have my reasons.”
“Such as..?”
“Okay, look, you know what, this isn’t even relevant,” Siren decided. “Everyone shut the fuck up, just give me your money and we can all go home happy. Blade can you just piss off or whatever now?”
Tommy raised a hand, “I can’t go home, I’ll get murdered if I don’t have the chocolate bribe. And Ranboob can’t go home either, I think they might be traumatised from this.”
Siren spoke up, “Okay, who the fuck is Ranboob? Do you have an imaginary friend or something?”
“This guy,” Tommy said, pulling Ranboo out from behind the counter to much protest.
“Oh, uh, hi? Please don’t kill me,” Ranboo said.
“I don’t want to kill you,” Siren replied. “I just want all the money in the register. Empty it now please.”
Ranboo went to go and empty the register, their hands shaking when Blade cut in, “Don’t empty the register.”
Ranboo froze from where their hands were awkwardly hovering above the money, “Sorry, what?”
“Empty it,” Siren said at the same time the Blade said, “Don’t empty it.”
“What chocolate do I get?” Tommy asked, just throwing that out there into the universe.
“Shut the fuck up,” Siren said without even looking at Tommy.
Ranboo looked like they were on the verge of a nervous breakdown, “What am I meant to be doing?”
Once again, Siren said, “Empty the register,” at the exact same time the Blade said, “Don’t empty the register."
Tommy was starting to contemplate if he could run over to the chocolate aisle and take the chocolate without being seen. That way, he wouldn’t even have to pay for it.
Just then, there was another loud smashing noise, except instead of another window being smashed the door, now slightly broken, swung open. And there, standing in a pile of broken glass was Philza fucking Minecraft, aka the Angel of Death, aka the number one hero, aka the only man ever and the coolest person to ever exist in the whole entire universe.
Tommy felt his mouth drop open, “Holy shit, Philza Minecraft?”
Siren and the Blade both turned to stare at Tommy, “How come he knows who Phil is but not us?” the Blade complained.
Tommy’s mouth dropped open even further, “Holy shit you’re on a first name basis with Philza Minercraft?”
For some reason, the Blade looked very panicked at this observation. “Um, no? Why would you say that?”
“Because you just called Philza Minecraft Phil?”
“Hahaha, no, that could be so crazy, I never said that, why would you say I said that because I obviously did not say that,” the Blade replied in a very unconvincing tone.
Philza spoke up, “Yeah I don’t know these two, never seen them in my life. Expect for when I fight them, because I do that sometimes, being the number one hero and all. Yup.”
Holy shit Philza Minecraft just spoke to him. Tommy would die a happy and fulfilled life. “Oh. Ok then, if you say so, Philza Minecraft.”
“Mate, you don’t have to keep saying Philza Minecraft. You can just say Phil if you want.” Holy shit, holy shit, holy SHIT. Was Tommy on a first name basis with Philza Minecraft—no, Phil. That just felt wrong. It felt disrespectful.
“I don’t think I could do that, Philza.”
Siren spoke up from where he was watching the entire interaction play out, “How come the child’s not cussing Phil out?”
“I would never insult Philza Minecraft, the only man ever like that. Also, hang on a second, are you on a first name basis with Philza as well?”
Siren’s eyes widened. “What? No? Who said Phil? Must’ve been the wind, because it sure wasn’t me.”
“Someones got a fan boy,” the Blade said, looking at Philza.
“What? No! I am not a fan boy, I just greatly respect Philza Minecraft, the only man ever.”
“Shut up Techno,” Philza said, “Stop harassing the kid.”
“I am not a kid!” Tommy protested. “I am a big man and I do not know why everyone keeps getting it wrong. Also, who the fuck is Techno?”
All three of them froze. “Uh, no one?” the Blade said not very convincingly.
“Yeah, I think you’re hallucinating,” Siren cut in. “No one said that.”
Ranboo spoke up for the first time since Philza’s grand door smashing entrance. Prime, what an icon Philza was. Maybe Tommy should start smashing more doors. “I heard you say Techno as well?”
“Isn’t that crazy?” Siren laughed, “You guys are having a shared hallucination. I mean you did say you were friends after all. I think it’s like a…friend bond thing.”
Ranboo stared at Tommy with evident confusion, “Are we friends?”
Tommy stared back, “I don’t know, do you want to be friends?”
“Sure,” Ranboo shrugged. “Does this mean we’re telepathically connected and having a shared hallucination?”
Tommy stopped to think about it for a couple seconds. “Maybe. Did we both subconsciously know that we’re friends and therefore hallucinate the name Techno?”
Ranboo nodded, “That sounds about right.”
“By the way, I feel the obligation to inform you, we will not be able to be friends for very long because I will probably get murdered soon.”
“That’s understandable, it was nice being your friend,” Ranboo nodded solemnly, their tone full of remorse.
“Like wise. I enjoyed our one memory together, which was you being a bitch and not helping me find chocolate and then just getting robbed by this blindfolded loser together.”
“Hey, you weren’t really giving me much to go off for the chocolate though, what was I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know, isn’t that your job? I told you sugar, and now I am going to get murdered-"
“Hang on,” Philza cut in from where he was observing the conversation. “Why are you getting murdered?”
“Well, Philza Minecraft, it is a long and treacherous tale that revolves around the espresso machine at my work being an absolute bitch, and then I was late so obviously I need a bribe for my roommate, but boob boy over here did not provide me with an insightful solutions and chocolate recommendations, and then blindfold bitch broke in through the window like a loser and demanded the money, and then Blade or whatever broke in through the other window with a cool ass sword he wouldn’t even give me, and then you broke in through the door, but that is excusable because you are Philza Minecraft, and now I’m running really, really late, I have no chocolate and I am facing almost certain death.”
Philza blinked, “That was…a lot. But what do you mean Siren broke in from the window and tried to rob you guys?” He turned to look at Siren, “Did you do that?”
“Phil, listen, it was an accident-"
“How the fuck do you accidentally break in through the window?”
“You know, by doing villain things?”
“Wil, you just tried to rob a random convenience store-”
Tommy spoke up, “Who’s Wil?”
The three of them froze once again and Tommy and Ranboo exchanged a confused glance.
“No one,” Siren said really quickly.
Ranboo raised a hand, “I heard it too.”
“You’re having another shared friendship hallucination,” Siren said.
Tommy turned to look at Ranboo, “Wow, despite only meeting like ten minutes ago we must be really close to be having all these shared friendship hallucinations. Do you think we’re trauma bonded or some shit?”
“Probably, probably,” Ranboo nodded, “Except there’s nothing we can really do about it because I’m too broke to go to therapy.”
“Ay, same!” Tommy exclaimed, holding a hand up for a high-five.
Philza looked absolutely horrified, like he’d just seen all of his family and his friends and his family's friends and his friends' friends brutally murdered in front of his eyes. “Wil, I mean Siren, are you just traumatising random teenagers?"
“Not a teenager, a big man,” Tommy insisted. “Also did you just say Wil again? Ranboob, did you hear that, are we having another shared hallucination?”
“I think so,” Ranboo agreed. “Do you think this is a sign to go home? Siren could you like, pause the robbery so me and…”
“Tommy,” Tommy supplied rather helpfully.
“So me and Tommy can go home?” Ranboo finished.
“I can’t go home,” Tommy said remorsefully.
“What? Why?” Philza asked, looking very worried all of a sudden.
“Because I’ll get murdered, obviously."
“I can take you home if you want, mate,” Philza said.
Tommy’s eyes widened. “Really?”
Philza laughed, “Really.”
Ranboo raised a hand, “Excuse me Mr Philza, but what are we meant to do about the fact that we’re currently getting robbed?”
Tommy turned to death glare at Siren, because there was no way in hell this fucking losers dumbass failed robbery would be getting in the way of Tommy hanging out with Philza. It seemed like something in his expression must have appropriately conveyed feelings of murder, because Siren took a couple steps backwards, raising his hands in the air.
“Uh, you know what, maybe I can rob you guys another time?” Siren seemed to recognise the death glare that Philza was also sending him. “I mean, I won’t be robbing you guys ever again. Sorry for the accident?”
“Great,” Philza said, a smile plastered onto his face and eyes still narrowed in Siren’s direction. “Now, let's get you home shall we?”
Tommy started to nod, but then he remembered something of crucial importance. “My chocolate bribe! I need chocolate, now. Ranboob, recommend me chocolate.”
“I don’t really know-” Ranboo started to say, but Philza cut him off.
“You know what, we’ll just take all of it.”
Ranboo stared at Philza with wide eyes. “All of it?”
“All of it,” Philza nodded, reaching into his wallet and withdrawing a fat stack of bills. “Keep the change, consider it payment for the trauma Siren has caused you.” He turned to death stare at Siren again. “And have a nice night mate, it’s been nice meeting you..Ranboob was it?”
“Ranboo,” Ranboo muttered weakly, staring at the stack of cash in disbelief.
“Ranboo, nice to meet you, we’ll be heading off now. Siren, grab the chocolate. Tommy, let’s go.”
Siren muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, “Should’ve gone for the bank instead,” as he walked off towards the chocolate aisle.
“Bye bye, Ranboob,” Tommy said, waving to Ranboo. “Nice being your friend and getting robbed together.”
“Likewise,” Ranboo nodded solemnly. “Maybe one day, the stars will align and we’ll get robbed together again.”
“Hopefully not by that fucking bitch,” Tommy said.
“Siren is a loser,” The Blade supplied rather helpfully.
“Hey, Tec- I mean Blade. That’s so untrue. Dad, he’s spreading lies.” Siren emerged from the chocolate aisle with what was frankly a ridiculous amount of chocolate piled into his arms and shoved into his coat pockets. This would be an appropriate bribe for Tubbo. Maybe Tommy would be able to sacrifice Siren to Tubbo as well, that might be nice.
“Who’s your dad?” Tommy asked.
“Uh no one," Siren replied, looking panicked for some reason. “My dad is dead.”
“Oh.” Tommy stared at Siren in silence. “Not poggers.”
“Thanks man,” Siren replied.
There was then a brief period of silence in which everyone stared at each other kind of awkwardly.
“My dad is dead too,” Ranboo contributed.
“Same,” Tommy said, “High five?”
Philza looked like he was about to have a heart attack for some unknown reason. “Should we go now that we have the chocolate?”
“Sure,” Tommy agreed. “Farewell Ranboob, let’s hope these fuckers don’t kidnap me.”
“I don’t want to kidnap you, you’re a stupid child,” Siren deadpanned. “If I was going to kidnap anyone I would go for Ranboo because they seem better than you.”
“Please don’t kidnap me?” Ranboo asked.
Philza clapped his hands together. “Okay, we are heading out now. For real this time. Bye Ranboo, good luck with the window situation.”
Ranboo looked over to the shattered windows with mourning in their eyes. “Better call in insurance then,” they sighed. “Time to listen to some basic pop waiting room music.”
“Have fun with that,” Tommy grinned. “I’m off to get kidnapped.”
With that, the four of them walked out of the convenience store, carefully stepping over the broken glass. Much to Tommy’s distaste, the Blade and Siren followed them as they started down the street. However, he knew an opportunity when it presented itself.
“Can I have your sword Blade?”
“Heh?”
“Can I have your sword?”
“No?”
“Why not?”
The Blade turned to look at him with a very judgemental expression, “Because it’s dangerous?”
“But I just wanna hold it and maybe spin it a bit.”
“No.”
Now for the best part of Tommy’s plan. He let his lower lip wobble just a little bit as he turned to look up at Philza. “He’s not giving me his sword.”
Philza turned to the Blade, “Techno, give him the sword.”
“What? No?”
“Please?” Tommy said, looking up at the Blade with wide eyes.
The Blade gripped his sword tighter. “I’m not scared of you.”
Tommy turned back to look at Philza. Philza looked at the Blade. The Blade looked at Siren. Siren looked at the Blade.
The Blade gave Tommy his sword.
“Fuck yeah! I just got a super cool sword! Do you think I can spin it? Should I try spin it?”
“Tommy no-”
***
And all of that was how they ended up here, in front of Tommy and Tubbo’s shitty little apartment building with all of the chocolate from the convenience store in Siren’s arm. Sure, Tommy did now have a Philza Minecraft branded plaster on his hand, but sometimes you have to make necessary sacrifices to hold a cool sword.
“So what do we do now?” Siren asked, awkwardly holding all of the chocolate and trying not to drop it everywhere, something that had already happened three times on the five minute walk back.
Tommy looked up at the building mournfully. “I have to go in alone. It is the only way.”
Philza looked greatly concerned, peering up at the building, “If you go in there, will you be able to come back out again?”
“What?” Tommy asked in confusion.
“I don’t know how to tell you this,” Philza began, like he was telling Tommy that his parents had died. “But the building looks like it’s going to collapse.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s part of the charm, and it hasn’t collapsed yet, so it won’t collapse now. Well, it did collapse a tiny bit that one time. But we don’t talk about that.”
For what was probably the millionth time today, Philza looked like he was about to have a heart attack.
“Can we hurry this process up?” The Blade asked. “I want to go home now.”
“Shut up Blade, I’m contemplating my last moments before death.”
Philza looked extremely concerned, “You’re not actually going to die, right?”
Tommy was pretty sure he had gone over his rapidly approaching fate several times, but anything for Philza Minecraft. “No, I am actually going to die. Tubbo has nukes.”
“Nukes?” Siren spoke up, taking a couple steps back. “How about I just leave the chocolate here and dip, you guys can handle it from here?”
“If I’m gonna be murdered, I’m taking you down with me, bitch,” Tommy said.
Siren raised his hands in mock surrender, a move that then caused all of the chocolate in his arms to tumble to the floor. There was a rather long moment where the four of them just stared at the chocolate in silence, contemplating the immeasurable loss and the immeasurable stupidity of Siren.
“Welp, looks like I’m going to my imminent death sooner than anticipated, have fun with that with that,” Tommy said, already jumping up the front steps of the apartment building. He really hoped that someone would fall down the hole in the stairs, that would be highly amusing.
Tommy came to a stop before a chipped wooden door, the gold numbering spelling out eight rather tarnished from wear and tear. He paused to rummage through his pocket in hopes of finding a key, only to come up empty. Great. Just great. Of course he forgot his key. Well, considering he never really had his key this wasn’t too much of a shock, but the presence of a key would make this entire process significantly easier for him. Tommy took a death breath, mentally preparing for the conversation ahead before he knocked on the door.
The knock rang out once, and then twice, and then the door swung open to reveal Tubbo.
Tubbo pointed at him rather menacingly, “You.”
“Me.”
“Why are you so late?”
“Well, let me tell you, I have had a day, the stupid fucking espresso machine broke down and then I was like I need to buy Tubbo chocolate for being the greatest roommate ever and then some dumbass blindfolded fuck tried to rob me and my new pal Ranboob and then some caped bitch showed up and then Philza Minecraft showed up and then we couldn’t really leave because the convenience store we were in was apparently being robbed or something, which was real shitty. I don’t fucking now, but I’m late now, sorry.”
Tubbo stared at him for a beat, nodding slowly. “You do realise you could’ve just said the espresso machine broke down, right? Do you actually think I’m going to believe Philza Minecraft showed up to stop the convenience store you were being robbed at?”
“No, that is what happened,” Tommy protested.
“Is this because you didn’t actually get chocolate for me?” Tubbo said, “Because it’s fine, you can just have a life debt instead.”
“What the fuck? No, I do have chocolate. Siren just dropped it everywhere.”
Tubbo squinted at him for a beat, “Siren? The supervillain Siren? Why the fuck would he have your chocolate?”
“How the fuck do you know who that is? He’s a fucking loser, I’ll tell you that.”
“Tommy, you can drop the bit, I know you didn’t actually get robbed- Why do you have a Philza Minecraft plaster, is that seriously what your work supplies you with?”
“No, Philza Minecraft gave me the Philza Minecraft plaster after Blade’s sword decided to be a bitch and stab me or whatever.”
“The Blade? You mean the vigilante? Why the fuck would you have his sword?”
“He’s the cape bitch I told you about earlier, keep up Tubso.”
Tubbo stared at him with what Tommy could only describe as pure confusion and vague pity. “Tommy, it’s okay to just admit you’re fucking lying or whatever cause you’re stupid and you bought Philza plasters.”
“No Tubbo, you don’t understand, I got robbed. I was trauma bonded to Ranboob and now I’ll never see them again because you’re going to murder me. And even if I wasn’t lying, purchasing Philza plasters would be an investment.”
“There’s no way I’m fucking buying this, if you’re gonna lie why don’t you come up with a believable story because do you honestly expect me to believe that Philza Minecraft just showed up to you getting robbed and- Holy shit is that Philza Minecraft?”
Tommy spun around to see Philza standing there in all of his winged glory. “Philza!”
“Mate, you can call me Phil.”
“Philza!”
“Are you actually Philza, or did Tommy hire an impersonator?” Tubbo asked, squinting down the corridor. “Because your wings look pretty realistic, how did you do that?”
“I am actually Philza mate,” Philza laughed. “Sorry we took so long, the Blade fell through the hole in the stairs.”
“Hey,” the Blade said, coming up from behind Philza, “Stop slandering my reputation.”
“I can’t believe you guys ditched me,” came a third voice, Siren walking up the stairs with his armfuls of chocolate.
Tubbo’s mouth was hanging open as he turned to Tommy, “Please tell me that you decided for whatever reason it would be a super good idea to hire three impersonators, what the fuck is happening right now?”
Tommy paused for a bit, examining the three men in the corridor, “Y’know, I never really thought of it like that. Are they actually impersonators?”
Tubbo sighed, muttering something along the lines of, “You fucking idiot,” under his breath as he grabbed Tommy’s arm and dragged him into the apartment. “Look, I have to clean up some idiots mess, so I’m gonna need names and identification for all three of you or I am going to dox the absolute fuck out of you and destroy your lives from the inside out, possibly by sending nukes to your current location, who knows.”
“True, he has done that before,” Tommy said, flashing a thumbs up from behind Tubbo because being best friends was actually code for providing moral support when the other person was threatening a bunch of random people, maybe heroes, villains and vigilantes, maybe fake impersonators.
“Hold on, hold on,” Siren said, holding his hand up again in surrender. This action rather predictably caused all of the chocolate to cascade to the floor in a grand waterfall. They all stared at the chocolate in silence for a rather long time.
“Tubso, I think you should get the nuke codes,” Tommy said.
“No, no, I’m the real Siren,” fake-Siren protested.
Tubbo crossed his arms, “Prove it.”
“Clap your hands together,” came Siren’s voice, expect this time it was honey coated and his words flew through the air and Tommy felt like his head was underwater, and in some vague otherworldly sense he was kind of aware of the fact his hands clapped together, expect he wasn’t really because who the fuck just clapped surely that wasn’t him, right? Right?
And then the world was flooding back into reality and Tommy jerked his head around and saw Siren standing at the other end of the hall looking somewhat guilty, Philza and the Blade death staring him and Tubbo positively fuming.
“The fuck just happened?” Tommy was the first one to break the silence. “Who clapped, that is so not appropriate for the conversation we are having about you impersonators right now.”
“Did you just fucking brainwash us?” Tubbo hissed.
Siren took a couple steps backwards, “In my defense, you were trying to nuke me-”
“It’s seeming like it was very justified now-”
“But I’m not a fake Siren! I’m the real Siren, I-”
“I can nuke the real Siren, who fucking cares?” Tubbo gestured wildly in the air. This was a very amusing conversation to watch play out.
“I bought your friend home safe-”
“After you tried to rob him and then you brainwashed him.”
“Well in my defense-"
“Ohhh, did I get brainwashed?” Tommy cut in, “That makes sense.”
“I wasn’t trying to brainwash you, I-”
“How the fuck do you accidently brainwash someone?” Tubbo interrupted. “That seemed extraordinarily intentional to me.”
“Hang on,” Tommy added, “Why didn’t you just brainwash us when you were robbing us? That’s kind of stupid of you, I’ve gotta be honest.”
“Okay, well I-”
“Everyone calm down,” maybe-Philza-maybe-not-Philza practically screamed. “No one is going to be brainwashing anyone and no one is going to be nuking anyone.”
Tommy raised an eyebrow, “Are you even the real Philza? Because if you’re not I will be devastated beyond repair and I will be forced to go into mourning for five to seven business days if you're an impersonator.”
Maybe-Philza-maybe-not-Philza sighed heavily. “Mate, I assure you that I am the real Philza.”
Tubbo raised a hand, “Why can’t I nuke Siren?”
“Because I said so.”
Tommy and Tubbo exchanged a glance of agreement. Obviously, anything that Philza says is law, which unfortunately meant that they would not be nuking Siren today.
“Fine,” Tubbo mumbled in agreement. “Now what?”
“Now Siren here is going to give you your chocolate, and we are going to leave.”
Siren shuffled forwards reluctantly, having reassembled his armful of chocolate. “Here you go gremlin children, enjoy the chocolate.”
“You are a balding bitch,” Tommy declared.
“Excuse me?”
“I will not excuse your receding hairline,” Tommy decided. “It is bad, like really bad.”
Siren stared at him in mute shock, “You fucking gremlin child-”
“Ok,” Philza said, “That’s enough of that, we shall be heading off now. Blade, any final words.”
The Blade stared at them all blankly, “I wish I’d never meet any of you and I’d just let your convenience store get robbed. Is this really what I get for tryna be a good person?”
Philza clapped his hands together, “Great, great, it has been an absolute pleasure meeting you, let’s hope for no nukes and doxxing now shall we? We’ll be leaving now-”
“Wait!” Tommy screeched, running back into his apartment. It took only a matter of seconds to locate his prized possession, the hoodie. “Can you sign this for me?”
Philza took the garment of clothing with clear apprehension, but when he picked it up, a fond smile grew across his face, “Aw is this my merch?”
“Maybe.” Tommy totally wasn’t blushing or anything because obviously he was such a big man.
Tubbo had a shit eating grin on his face, “Not just any merch, the limited edition holiday special that was discontinued after only three days, meaning there were only one hundred and three made in the whole world.”
“Wow, that’s impressive, even I didn’t know that,” Philza said, turning the hoodie over in his hands.
“I knew it, probably because Tommy never fucking shuts up about it and-”
“Shut the fuck up Tubbo!” Tommy screeched, launching himself at Tubbo.
This amazing plot was rather dramatically foiled by Tubbo sidestepping his attack. Tommy gave Tubbo his best death glare and Tubbo responded by flipping him off, so Tommy did what any reasonable person would do and flipped him off with two hands. Tubbo then retaliated by doing that thing where he combined his hands to grow three middle fingers, which was so unfair, so Tommy did the only mature response and stuck his tongue out in retaliation.
By now, Philza had signed the hoodie and was handing it back to Tommy with a fond smile, “Here you go mate, enjoy!”
“Thank you so much Philza Minecraft, bravest of men,” Tommy replied.
Siren scowled at them both, “I hope I never have to see either of you again.”
“The feeling is mutual,” Tubbo replied rather diplomatically.
“Same to you, bitch,” Tommy nodded.
“I think I need to have a cup of tea and a nice lie down,” the Blade said. “I don’t even get paid to deal with this.”
“It was lovely meeting the two of you,” Philza grinned.
Tommy waved as the three of them retreated into the distance, and Tubbo stared at them with a questioning expression. It was only when the three of them could no longer be seen that Tubbo turned back to Tommy with a confused expression, “Hey, I’ve just had a thought. Why the fuck were a villain, a hero and a vigilante all hanging out and not beating each other up?”
Tommy paused. Now that he thought about it, that was rather strange. And weren’t they on a first name basis? And didn’t Siren call Philza Dad? And didn’t the Blade and Siren seem to know each other? Wait a second, was he actually not having a shared hallucination with Ranboo?
“You mean to tell me I wasn’t having a shared hallucination when I heard them say each other's names?”
Tubbo stared at him blankly, “What the fuck?”
“Shared hallucinations, keep up bee boy.”
Tubbo blinked at him once, and then twice, “Man, I don’t even know. I can’t deal with this shit, you didn’t get robbed and die, great. I’m going to bed now.”
“Wait a second, what’s for dinner?” Tommy asked.
“For you, because you were horribly late?” Tubbo took a moment to frown at him, “Cold pizza.”
Tommy’s face scrunched up in confusion, because cold pizza was fucking pog, “You know what, fuck you, pizza is better cold anyways.”
“It is so not, you’re just wrong in every single aspect of life,” Tubbo stared at him extraordinarily judgmentally.
“Uh, you mean I’m right in every single aspect of life ever-” Tommy fired back.
Tubbo cut him off, “No, because why would I eat my pizza cold?”
“Because it’s fucking awesome?”
“But the cheese-”
“But the effort of heating it up, cold pizza is the superior species.”
“You know what, fuck you, I did save you some ice cream but I guess not anymore.”
Tommy had so many regrets and all of them were occurring in this moment, “Wait, no, Tubbo, I take it all back, I apologise for my past actions, can I have ice cream now?”
“Hmmm, no.”
“Tubboooo-”