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“We need to talk.” Adam says to Sam and Ben.
Ben looks worried and says “No good conversation has ever started with that.”
Sam’s face is scrunched up too as he says “Yeah. What’s going on?.”
Adam takes a deep breath before saying “I know I’m the paranoid one. But I think we’re being watched.”
Sam replies “As in a stalker fan or something?”
“No. More like a higher power.” Adam responds.
“As in aliens? Or God?” Ben asks, confused.
Adam rubs his hands over his face before looking at his two friends. “I know it sounds insane. But I think we’re in a fanfiction.”
“What? That’s completely ridiculous. Are you ok? Is this a cry for help?” Ben responds.
Adam retorts “No, I’m just following where the clues point.”
Ben turns to Sam and says “Are you hearing this?”
Sam’s pale as a ghost as he whispers “You noticed it too huh.”
Adam pounds his fist on the table as he cries “It’s not just me!”
Opened mouth, Ben asks his friends “Did you two take drugs or something? Or is this a joke? Do you hear yourselves? This is completely delusional!”
Adam responds “Buddy, surely you’ve noticed the signs? Stuff shifting and changing before your eyes. Just look down - you were wearing a floral patterned shirt just a second ago.”
Ben stares down to see he’s in a tie-dye jumpsuit and sputters “What the f***!”
Sam chimes in “And look at how your emotions change so fast. One minute you’re in love with Adam. The next me. And then all of a sudden you are 100% straight! All within split seconds.”
“It’s the Narrator. Unable to make up their mind” Adam says.
Ben asks “You mean the voice that describes literally everything we’re doing? Isn’t that normal?”
Adam looks sadly at Ben and says “No Benjamin. That is in fact not normal.”
Ben says slowly, the realization dawning “And I guess the bleeping of curses isn’t either. Or the blackout cutscenes where we go from one place to another with no memory?”
His friends nod.
Sam looks up, convinced by the conversation to address me directly. “I know you’re there, Narrator. Speak to us!”
I laugh and respond “Oh my, how they grow up so fast. They’re sentient!”
They jump up out of their chairs as Adam screeches like a banshee “I f***** knew it!”
I giggle and say “So flattered you’re basically obsessed with me! But now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can officially welcome you to Jet Lag: Escape the Fic!”
They look hesitantly at each other.
Sam breaks and says “Fine, I’ll take the bait. What does that mean? And more importantly how do we get out of here?”
Laughing maniacally, I answer “It’s simple: play my game. And look at the time - it’s time to go go go!”
“That’s my line! I’m suing for copyright infringement!” Sam protests as they are transported to the liminal white screen space of their Nebula ad reads
I announce “Thank you to our unwilling contestants today! The game is simple: pull from the challenge card deck I’ve put in Sam’s backpack. If you get to ten points, I will reveal how you get out of there. Should you forfeit or lose three challenges, you will be stuck there forever.
“You evil b*tch!” Ben yells at me.
They all shout profanities at me best described by a scene from Spongebob: a series of random loud noises.
Beep!
Honk!
Whistle bellow!
Bike bell!
Cow moo!
I respond in a deep voice “I like it when you insult me daddies. I’ve been naughty and deserve punishment."
They cringe.
As does everyone else.
Losers!!!
Anyhoo, Sam pulls out the card deck. He shuffles and pulls the top card. It reads “Feed the Trolls. Be sus on camera together.”
I press the win sound button and announce “Oh, lucky draw. What a shocking RNG from Unlucky Denby. Instant point due to the overwhelming evidence on Jet Lag. Which reminder: you chose to film and share with the world.”
Adam murmurs “I don’t think it’s that queer.”
I respond as I twirl my index finger “Methinks the gentleman doth protesteth too much. Roll the sus-tage!”
A screen appears in front of them and begins playing clips.
“Big gaping holes.”
“I’m sucking on juicy balls.”
“Tell me what that ball does!”
“You want to touch us?”
“Straight but with a voice that makes people question it sometimes.”
“Oh it’s hitting my butt.”
“It’s supposed to be hard.”
“We actually met on Tinder. “
“What if we f***”
“We’re gonna tentacle his a**”
Adam grumbles “Fine, I get your point. We definitely play it up sometimes.”
Sam says “Good we got a point. But I feel there’s some weird homoerotic suppression there or something? We support the gays here, just FYI.”
I reply "Trust me. To quote our very own Benjamin: despite myself, I am unfortunately hetero.”
Ben responds “True. I have to respect the solidarity.”
Going back to the game, I announce “Time for challenge number two gentlemen.”
Sam shows Ben the deck and he pulls the top card.
Ben reads and curses “F***. It’s The Musical Episode. Sing the Okaihau Express. But this time all of us have to do it on the Vidcon Stage.”
I laugh and say “Oh that’s a good one. Some people may say it’s been memed to death, but this is my fic and it’s hilarious. Let me get my popcorn!”
One bag of buttery airy goodness prepared later, we find the guys on stage. The boys are dressed in the stage outfits I left in their backpacks and have been performing for a while now. They announce “Alright, as a treat for the fans, here’s our last bit of the night. We present to you The Okaihau Express.”
The song is as ridiculous of a train wreck as one can imagine. The screaming fans and strobe lights shining in their eyes don’t make it any easier than in an old train tunnel.
With tears of laughter, I play the win sound and award them point number two.
I transport them back to the liminal space and ask “What’s challenge three gonna be guys?”
This time, Adam pulls a card and groans. “It’s Be the Bard. Write fanfiction about yourself. It must be rated E.” he says.
“Woah, how meta is this gonna get?” I chuckle.
The boys are taken to an office with three chairs and a laptop.
Their faces go bright red as they debate whether to veto.
“It's disgusting! We have to veto guys!” Adam insists.
Ben argues “I get it’s embarrassing, but it’s completely possible for us to do. What if the other challenges are even worse?”
Sam quietly says, unable to look at his friends “We should veto.”
They go back and forth until I get bored.
I announce "There’s a new rule: if the players can’t decide, it’s an automatic veto.”
I play the lose sound and say “Now try pulling another challenge.”
The boys grumble and say “Fine.”
“Alright. Let’s see what the jack*** has in store for us next.” Ben says as he pulls the card.
“Truth or Dare. Play three rounds of truth or dare.” he reads.
“That’s not so bad.” Adam says as I take them to a rather familiar living room.
“Wait. This is my house.” Sam says.
He looks horrified as he says “Do you watch us when we’re indecent too? Is there no privacy anymore you wh*re?”
I wink and reply in song “Gotta a secret. Gotta keep it. Taking this one to the grave. Along with the tapes.”
Then I proceed to take a sip of my drink as I watch them process the information.
“Erm, eeewww. Gross. Let’s forget that and focus on getting out of here.” Ben says.
Once they are comfortably situated in PJs and sit on the pillows on the floor, I announce “Ok, first up is Adam. Truth or dare?”
In pink Kermit the Frog PJs, Adam responds “Truth.”
I ask “Ok, this goes out to all three of you. Have you ever thought about f****** the other two?”
Ben’s in red Super Mario PJs as he shrugs and says “I’ve read the fics. So yeah it’s crossed my mind.”
Sam is in blue Tomas the Tank Engine PJs and blushes deep red as he responds “No!”
Adam is surprisingly the quiet one when he whispers “Maybe. Yeah. But just a little bit. For a brief second. And it meant nothing. I swear guys.”
“Is that a whiff of denial I sense?” I say in a singsong voice.
Adam blushes too.
I continue the game with “Ok Ben. Truth or dare?”
Ben considers and replies “Dare.”
I say “Sure. You must burn Djungelskog in the fireplace and livestream it to fans. You will find both the monkey and matches in your backpack.”
Having latched onto the stuffed animal, Adam’s paternal instincts kick in as he says “That’s low Narrator. What did the poor thing ever do to you?”
“It’s for the content!” I giggle.
Sadly, they take the critter and burn it in the fireplace. As expected, fans are very upset and beg them to explain. But as they can’t without sounding ridiculous, they decide to ignore the comments.
“Sam’s turn now. What will it be: truth or dare?” I ask.
Defiantly, Sam looks up and says “Dare.”
I reply “Look in Sam’s backpack. You will find hair clippers and scissors in there. Shave Sam’s head. Take turns or split sections as you wish. But everybody must be involved.”
Sam yells “Excuse me? Don’t I have a say?”
I reply “Well Rapunzel, what systemic problems are causing you to need to cut your hair in the first place?”
I laugh as I add “Oh that’s right. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.”
Sam shudders before responding “Fine. But let’s make it quick.”
With tears in his eyes, Sam grabs the scissors and takes a chunk of his hair. He snips it off and the blonde locks fall to the ground.
His friends take his hands and whisper “It’s ok. We’ll do the rest.”
Ben and Adam roughly cut off jagged pieces of hair before using the clippers to give Sam a buzz cut. By the end, the floor is littered with golden strands and frustrated tears.
Being the evil sadistic f*ck that I am, I play the win sound and say “Good job my performing monkeys. And not looking half bad there baldy. What’s the next challenge?”
Sam takes out the deck and pulls the top card. He reads in shock “Crime Spree Murder. Kill somebody. They must cease breathing.”
Ben opens his mouth for a moment and manages to say “And I thought I was the evil chaotic unhinged one. What the actual f*ck Narrator.”
Uncommonly quiet again, Adam’s face scrunches up and he ponders.
Adam then stares up and says “Wait a minute. I know what you freak perverts want! It’s what all of you want. Incessantly. Every day in my DMs and comments.”
To my simultaneous horror and joy, he cups Sam’s mouth and kisses him. Before kissing Ben.
He looks at his stunned friends and says “Now you two kiss.”
Sam sputters “Adam, what’s gotten into you? Why…”
Ben’s caught on to Adam’s meaning and quiets Sam with a kiss of his own.
My finger triggers the ultimate win noise by instinct and suddenly the boys are standing before me.
Red in the face and out for blood.
My blood.
*******************************************************************************************************************
Hi readers, so OP here taking over for Narrator. Did you really think we were the same? Surprise fam! Anyway, the reason I’m here is because Narrator is getting the ever living sh*t beat out of them by three very angry white boys.
As in I’m literally covered in their blood and gore right now - very rude by the way. If you are gonna p*ss off somebody, don’t drag others into it and get their nice white clothes dirty right?
I will be sending Narry my dry cleaning bill for the strays I’m catching. Unlike Pokémon, I’m not interested in catching them all
Anyway, you probably want to know how the fight is going.
Adam with the curb stomp.
Sam with the strangulation via backpack strap.
Oh - that looks like KO. Surprisingly, it was Ben who got the kill. With what appears to be the cards and sharp shards of glass inside of a sock as a makeshift weapon. Poetic justice if you ask me.
Though now that I think about it... Da*n - how am I gonna charge Narrator for my clothes now?
“Guys - would you be willing to split the dry cleaning bill with me?” I ask them.
Sam looks at me with a disgusted face and says “OP, we literally just murdered Narrator! Can you stop going on about your f****** laundry? And help us hide the body!”
I look sadly at my former friend’s lifeless corpse and say “Fine, I guess. Sorry Narry - it was nice knowing you. You were a b*tch. And kinda deserved to be killed. But you were my b*tch.”
We drag the body to an undisclosed location and bury it. Along with anything tying us to the crime.
To discourage anyone from being a f***** rat snitch that needs stitches, we film ourselves and everyone gets a private copy. If one of us is going down, all of us are.
They finally calm down enough to realize I’ve been typing this all out and you are still reading.
Sam then points out the elephant in the room. “The audience reading this - they need to go too.” he says.
Ben and Adam nod in agreement.
I shrug, flicking dirt off my clothes and say “I mean, yeah we can do that. But all the readers are super smart, funny, s*xy and just overall awesome. Would be kinda not cool to kill them.”
The boys consider the options before they acquiesce.
Ben looks at you and says “Alright reader. Keep this secret between us. And nobody else gets hurt.”
Adam’s face gets serious as he warns “If you snitch, we are coming for your a**. And remember that we are professionals at tracking and finding people.”
“We’ve got blood lust now!” Sam adds.
So to conclude, this pact now includes you too dear reader. Let’s keep this under wraps yeah? Happy Jet Lagging! Bye!