Chapter Text
Sounds of people talking, obnoxious chewing and yelling filled the room. The aroma of cafeteria food was overwhelmingly strong.
My eyes drifted down to my untouched sandwich. “Ay Craig you gonna eat that?” An annoying voice asked. I glared at the fat boy in front of me, I didn’t think I could lose my appetite on an empty stomach, but geez Cartmans ugly face and even uglier personality made an exception..
Just as I was going to respond, a hyper voice quickly interrupted me. “GUYS GUYS!” Butters panicked. Our table quiets down, as Kenny scoots to the side making room for Butters.
“What’s up Butters?” Kyle questioned, his voice having a sound of curiosity. Today was very boring, which is surprising considering the people I’m near always get into trouble. I’ll never forgive them for wasting my 100 dollars on that stupid Peruvian band..
“Do you guys know Emily?” Butters sweats. “Dude Butters you gotta be more specific, there’s like a billion Emily’s,” Stan replies. I mean he isn’t wrong.. Emily is a very common name.
“Emily A! Her name's not the point, but I heard she’s got herpes!” The table quieted down, all eyes were on Butters. “Butters, what the hell are you talking about,” Cartman sighed.
Butters admits,“Okay I lied, I don’t know any Emily! But I just wanted to know what herpes was, my mom told me to stay away from people with it.”
The silence grew, as seconds passed by Kenny burst into laughter. To be honest it sounded more like muffling because of his hood that’s always covering his mouth.
“Speaking about herpes, guess who got their first kiss?” Cartman spoke up. Oh god, don’t tell me this fat boy got his first kiss before me. No way
“Cartman! You kissed someone? No way! You must have paid them! Nobody would wanna kiss someone with food in their mouth all the time!” Kyle blurted out.
“OI SHUT UP YOU STUPID JEW! And no, I didn't pay her!” Cartman yelled.
“O-o-oh,s—so yo-your m-mom pa-pay-paid for- for her?” Jimmy laughed. I nonchalantly let out a small chuckle.
“OI, BE QUIET YOU STUPID— UH. Never mind that, even if my mom DID pay her, I still had my first kiss before any of you, so HAH!”
Ahh.. so he admits, no girl would ever want him, unless they got paid. I wonder how much money she got paid, if I was her my minimum would be at least 10,000 dollars.
“That’s not true, Craig and Tweek must have kissed before, they have been dating since elementary!” Stan says, breaking my trail of thought.
“HOMOS DON’T COUNT!” Cartman cries. “Oh shut it fat boy,” I snapped. Kyle laughed. My eyes darted towards Butters and Kenny, realizing Kenny was explaining to him what herpes was
“So have you and Tweek kissed before, Craig?” Tolkien asks. This got awkward fast. I mean, it’s true me and Tweek, my lips naturally curve at the mention of him. We have been dating for a while, but I never really thought of us.. kissing.
“Why does it matter?” I asked. My tone sounded more demanding, and monotonous.. Which was not intended.
“No need to get defensive,” Clyde laughed. I flipped him off and he frowned. Loser..
“Just answer the question, you real life Shane Hollander!” Stan yelled. What the hell? Who the fuck is ‘Shane Hollander’ and in what way am I like him??
A girl looks over at Stan and smiles a bit, “Stan, I didn’t know you watched heated rivalry!” The table burst out into laughter, Stan’s face quickly turned pink.
“My sister watches it.. I just overheard the show— HEY! That’s not the point man! Answer the question Craig, it’s that simple,” He stammered.
“No, there now stop bothering me,” I rolled my eyes in frustration. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal anyway, I mean me and him are still in middle school, we’ll do those other things in the future. After we get married and build a home for stripe.
I looked back at them, all of them were staring at me, their jaws dropped. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion and irritation. I seriously hope they don’t make a big deal out of this. I don’t wanna make Tweek uncomfortable.
“WHAT?! You guys have been dating for so long! Come on!? Are you serious?! There’s no way!” Clyde shouted. I sigh and lower my head. I didn’t really care for what they were saying, but I could tell they were making some stupid plan. Whatever they have planned it’s not gonna work, like the rest of their dumb ideas.
“Oh Cupid me, I need your help here. These poor, lost, confused homosexuals need your assistance,” Eric giggles. Who the hell is he talking to? My gosh dude, I shouldn’t have sat here, should have just skipped and visited Tweek. He’s sick, but he still makes time to call me, he’s a sweetheart.
“Oh dear! Cupid me, fine..” He sighed. “GOD DARN IT CRAIG! Look what you made me do! Now Cupid me is gonna take me on a date! You see how kind and generous I am? I’m taking time out of MY day to help you lost homosexuals!”
“What the fuck are you talking about fatass?” Kyle huffs. His eyes tracing over the determined face of Cartman. “Guys, we need to help these lost homosexuals, they have fallen out of love! We need to bring back their spark! Come on guys FOR YAOI!” Cartman squeals proudly like a pig.
Oh my god, what the hell is the fat boy doing, why’s he standing on the table?! The table slights tips over to the left, raising the right side. My feet dangle from the chair as I stared at Cartman whose face is splashed with happiness.
“EVERYBODY! WE ALL NEED TO HELP CRAIG! This poor homosexual is LOST, AND HORNY! He wants to kiss his boyfriend. WHOSE WITH ME?” The yaoi & bl addicts and the same Asian American girls who drew me and Tweek in elementary, stood up and cheered.
What the hell did I get myself into..