Archive of Our Own

1. 

Heinz had planted himself firmly in the middle of the couch, so that, when Perry came home, he could give him a piece of his mind. He’d practised his glower and knew how to huff in such a way that his boyfriend would know, immediately upon opening that door, that he’d messed up.

Eventually, he heard the front door click. It was way later in the evening than he’d expected. He was ready to frown and shout, but then Perry actually came into the room and Heinz’s anger deflated instantly.

“Welcome home…” He said instead, his voice a lot softer than usual.

Perry’s jacket was still flung over one shoulder. His usual posture was sloped and tired looking. To Heinz’s absolute horror, the first thing Perry did upon returning home was put his gun in the lockbox. He refused to look at it as he did. The gun might as well still be smoking.

“Have you had food?” Like a moth to a flame, Heinz left his chair to go to him. He gently took the jacket from Perry’s grasp and placed it over one of the dining chairs.

With strong and trembling arms, Perry pulled him into an embrace. He buried his head against his bony shoulder and heaved a long and exhausted sigh.

Delicately, Heinz stroked his hair and waited.

“Have you eaten?” He asked again.

He nodded, but Heinz wasn’t sure he was telling the truth. He had a feeling the agent wasn’t feeling particularly peckish today. Below his hands, he could feel Perry’s beating heart, slightly elevated.

For a while they stood in silence, Perry just breathing and Heinz stroking him like a skittish animal.

“Was it kids?” Heinz asked softly, unsure if he even wanted to know.

Perry shook his head against his shoulder and breathed as if he was ready to step back. With a bit of force, Heinz pulled him back against himself and continued petting stubbornly. If Perry wasn’t ready, then neither was he.

Eventually, Perry stirred and before he let him leave, he pressed a kiss to his hair.

「Shower, 」 Perry gestured quickly, and he wandered off towards the bathroom.

By the time he emerged from the steamy room, Heinz was on the bed, wrapped up in his bathrobe and faffing around on his tablet. Over the edge of his glasses, he watched as Perry wandered in, still trying to dry his chest hair with a towel.

He scooted over to give his boyfriend space.

Perry was just in his boxers but didn’t seem cold. He did seem tired, from the way he dropped down on the duvet.

“I made a cake,” Heinz informed him kindly. “For today.”

Perry, wet-haired and slow, turned just his head to indicate that he was listening.

“I put it in the fridge. Make sure to bring some to work tomorrow.”

At this, Perry fully rolled over onto his back to look at him.

“It’s been a year,” Doof informed him. When Perry squinted and quickly tried to calculate, worrying that he forgot some sort of important anniversary, Heinz couldn’t help but laugh. In hindsight, his frustration with his not being home on time didn’t make much sense anymore. He was celebrating a completely arbitrary date for sentimentality’s sake.

“I just wanted to celebrate, I guess. An excuse to bake.”

「You don’t need an excuse.」

“But I like an excuse. I think up silly excuses to give myself all sorts of treats.”

Perry’s expression was very knowing. Perhaps Heinz shouldn’t have told him that he didn’t need to do laundry because it was exactly two and a half months till Vanessa’s birthday last weekend. In his defence, it was a great excuse to do anything else.

“Anyway, I was celebrating that it’s been a year since we looked at this house together. The first time we were here.”

「I’ve been here,」  Perry pointed out. 「I had a horrible time.」

“I suppose I’m happy you managed to get over the awkwardness of that day, because it’s hard to imagine how things would’ve been if we hadn’t moved. I guess we’ll never know.”
Even if the awkward encounter had scarred Perry in some way, the house had transformed so much since then that it was barely recognisable. Before, it had been a completely white and beige, Pinterest-worthy, modern farmhouse house, and now it was… not. Now it was theirs; a little bit messy, kinda gaudy and a mixture of styles that wouldn’t do well in a magazine, but made them completely happy.

Perry stretched, suppressing a yawn, before he signed 「Happy 1 year of the house.」 He grimaced a little. 「We need to hang that painting.」

“Don’t remind me, Vivian keeps asking me about it. And I know I could just hang it. It’s as simple as drilling, plugging and hanging, but it’s just never the right time, don’t you agree, Perry?”

Perry did indeed agree.

“I have to dig the drill out of the garage and measure, and we both know I don’t actually enjoy measuring.”

「And the garage is full.」

“And the garage is SO full!” Heinz moaned. Perry had tried to point out how all of his stuff wouldn’t fit in the garage before they bought the house, but Doof had been too enamoured with the idea of living here to pay it much attention. He started regretting that fairly quickly when it became impossible to walk through the 2 car garage. Since then, he’s figured it out…mostly.
“Anyway. Happy 1 year. I also forgot about it, actually. It was Dr Hirano who pointed it out to me, and I guess I was just looking for an excuse to bake.”

「Tomorrow.」  Perry promised with a little smile.

“You’d better, I can’t eat this cake all by myself. Well, I could, but I don’t think I’d feel very happy afterwards.”

「You can share with Linda and V-I-V and Doctor H-I-R-A-N-O」He pointed out.

“Well I could,” Heinz agreed, and he rolled over into Perry’s warm side so he could settle his fingers into his now-dry chest hair and tug just a little. “But none of them have this.” And he nuzzled into Perry’s peck to reiterate.

Perry released one happy “Ha!” 「They might. You don’t know.」

Heinz laughed too. “You’re right, although that would be quite a surprise.” He waited semi-patiently as Perry jawned so wide his jaw popped. “I’ll ask them about it tomorrow,” His tone was jokey, just to see his partner’s panicky expression at the thought. “I’m kidding, you know I wouldn’t.”

He ignored Perry’s expression, which disagreed; he wouldn’t put it past him to be so crass with the neighbours.

“You should sleep, Perry,” Heinz concluded without moving his head from where he was. “You have work, and I’ll talk your head off.”

At 6 AM the next day, Perry’s alarm was set, but his wasn’t. It was summer holiday, and although he had stuff to do, both for school and his personal interests, he figured he could sleep in.

Perry’s agreement was a vague hum; apparently, he was too lazy to communicate much more and placed one heavy arm over his partner, locking him in place.

“Don’t forget, tomorrow evening we have that event with the teachers at Danville High,” Heinz reminded him. Judging by the way Perry’s chest expanded suddenly, he hadn’t kept it in mind. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

「Not really,」 He defended himself awkwardly.

“But you won’t be able to make it?” Heinz guessed for him.

「Maybe,」  Perry confessed and then he instantly snapped out of his awkwardness when Heinz giggled. He shot him a confused look and  kicked him as he mimicked the sign for ‘probably’ and mumbled “6-7” under his breath.

“Ow, hey!” He laughed, mock-offended. “It looks the same! Oh come on, Perry, you know I’m childish! Do you really think I can spend 7 hours a day around teenagers and not pick up on that?!”

Heinz watched his boyfriend close his eyes decisively, as if he could block him out by doing it. And although that worked when Heinz wanted to ignore Perry, the other way around was less effective because of Heinz’s great power: speaking all the time verbally.

If Perry had been less tired, Heinz would’ve made a bigger deal about missing the event, but bickering wasn’t any fun when he was already tired. Besides, he wasn’t surprised, not really. Perry couldn’t say much about the mission he was working on, but it was stealing a lot of his time. The bits he had shared with him, secretly and behind OWCA’s back, were too horrid for Heinz to demand he come home on time every day. He just hoped it would be over soon. Until then, he would be dramatic and annoying, but not to the point that Perry actually suffered.

“Fine!” He dramatically groaned, “I guess I’ll have to dance to ABBA on my own!”

This was, of course, a clever reuse to upset Perry and remind him of what he’d be missing out on; they loved dancing to Abba together. It worked because Perry sniffed in faux drama, grabbed Heinz tightly and rolled them both over.

​

The next evening, Heinz went to the party on his own. He had a great time. He got a little drunk and had to be driven home. When he crawled into bed late in the evening, Perry was already asleep, although he did stir awake for a moment.

Heinz kissed his sleep-slack lips. “I had fun,” He said as if he’d been asked a question. “But don’t worry, they didn’t even play any ABBA.”

Perry chuckled and pulled him against his side. He was so sleep-warm that Heinz’s intoxicated mind swirled with it. “I did sing along to Avril Lavene, Fountain of Wayne, and Panic at the Disco really loudly though. That’s one hell of an earworm. I’m going to be singing those all week. I think I made some new enemies tonight.”

“Hmm,” Perry responded, his eyes already closed.

“Don’t worry,” He sighed and nuzzled into Perry’s scruffy jaw. “You’ll always be my favourite enemy forever and always.” And with that tipsy admission, they settled in and very quickly fell asleep.

​

When Doofenshmirtz awoke, he was alone. Waiting for him on the bedside table was a glass of water with two painkillers. Stuck to it was a little note with swirly handwriting. ‘Glad you had fun, I think you need these #[  “]>’

Since Heinz did indeed need those, he took the painkillers. Then, he had a light breakfast and decided that some fresh air would do him good. Besides, his vegetable patch needed to be watered desperately.

​

2.

“Red alert! Red alert!”

All morning, the clubhouse of fireside girl troop 46321 had been calm. Today, they were going to work on their mindfulness badges, and Isabella had instructed everybody to be prepared to feel super zen today. All had been going well until Gretchen stormed in the door like a little red-haired tornado.

“Gretchen?!” Isabella exclaimed. She was halfway through her yoga-poses, but as she was disturbed, she toppled to the floor inelegantly.

“What’s wrong?”
      “What happened?”
“Is something wrong?”
           “Are you okay, Gretchen?”

Suddenly worried, all girls stopped what they were doing to gather around Gretchen, who was trying to catch her breath. She didn’t seem harmed or wounded, but the look in her eyes wasn’t very collected.

“Milly, get her a cup of Jasmin tea, stat!” Isabella pulled the girl over to a chair.

Gretchen sat down, accepting the steaming cup of tea, and looked at all her friends.

“This is really bad you guys.”  She explained drastically.

Before she was even done speaking, the other girls sat down around her in a half circle, silent and willing to listen. Adyson clasped her hand gently, for support.

“Tell us everything.”

Gretchen looked at her troop leader, took a deep breath and started speaking. “You all know who Mr Doofenshmirtz is, right?”

“Yeah, he’s Uncle Perry’s boyfriend,” Katie agreed as the other girls all nodded.

“Well, maybe not for long.” Gretchen sighed.

“If this is about them bickering-” Isabella tried to interrupt. If Gretchen was freaking out because she overheard Dr D. screaming at Perry, she was going to tell her to calm down. Those two bickered a lot, and they seemed to enjoy doing it too.

“They weren’t fighting.” Gretchen didn’t even allow Isabella to finish. “You all know they moved into the house next door to mine, right? I know Mr. Doof screams at Perry often. He is like, the loudest neighbour I’ve ever had.”

When Adyson tried to say something soothing, Gretchen interrupted her again. “No it’s fine, Mr Doofenshmirtz is funny. That’s still not the issue.”

“So, what is?”

Gretchen looked around the room, and her eyes settled on Ginger with a little frown. “I was grabbing my bike this morning when I heard Mr. Doofenshmirtz in the backyard, he was talking to himself really weirdly. I didn’t mean to spy…”

“We forgive you Gretchen,” Holly reassured. “Just tell us what happened.”

“He was plotting about- about-” She paused as if afraid to admit it, before all-at-once blurting out what she had to say. “Mr Doofenshmirtz was talking to himself about how he wants to be with Ginger’s mom!”

All girls gasped.

“But Ginger’s mom is already married!” Adyson replied, aghast.

“Um, yeah. To MY dad.” Ginger pointed out, too shocked to know what to think yet. “What do you mean Dr. D wants to “”be with”” my mom?””

“He was talking about how hot your mom is. He said he’s wanted her for a long time, and how he knew it was bad, but that he was in love with her.”

“Ew! He can’t have my mom!” Ginger looked absolutely disgusted with the new information

“So he admits that he knows it’s wrong to cheat with a married woman?” Isabella asked, seethingly angry. “And he still wants her? He admits he’s a freak!”

“Yeah,” Gretchen agreed. “And he’s planning to ask Stacy for help. He was going to get them to come over and swim in the pool together!”

“Stacy wouldn’t help him! What about my dad?!” Ginger seemed betrayed at the mere suggestion that her sister would betray their family like that.

“Your mom and dad have been together forever,” Isabella pointed out. “She won’t leave him just because someone asked, especially not a guy as unusual as Doofenshmirtz. But guys, we’re forgetting someone important. If Doof wants to be with Ginger’s mom, that means that he’s planning to cheat on Uncle Perry!”

“Poor uncle Perry!” Katie wailed dramatically. “He’s already been alone for so long, and now he gets a boyfriend, and he’s a dirty cheating scumbag!” Her usually sparkly eyes grew cold at the thought someone would do such a thing.

“That asshole doesn’t deserve Uncle Perry,” Milly agreed. “He can do so much better!”

“I always knew he was evil,” Adyson squinted her eyes. “We can’t let him get away with this.”

“Girls!” Isabella stood up from her spot to look at her troop sternly. “We have to protect Uncle Perry!”

“Yeah, he’s such a soft, useless nerd. If we don’t protect him, he might die!” Adyson agreed.

“And!” Isabella lifted one finger with authority. “We need to be sure of what’s happening before we do anything. Gretchen, you need to stake out their house. If anyone inside ever mutters about Ginger’s mom, I need to hear about it.”

“Yes, sir!” Gretchen seriously saluted.

“Ginger, I need you to talk to your mom. And your dad. And Stacy too. If Doofenshmirtz has been talking to any of them, we need to know when, and about what.”

Ginger nodded seriously. “I can do that.”

“I need you to be subtle. If they know that we know, they know too much.” Isabella ordered seriously. Then again, her entire troupe was paying close attention; this was important.

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Ginger agreed.

“The rest of you, stake out, work in shifts, check the gossip.”

“But Isabella, what about our mindfulness patches?” Milly asked.

“They’ll have to wait. How can we be mindful during an emergency like this?”

​

“Hey Dad, do you think you could beat Mr Doofenshmirtz in a fight?” Ginger hung over the armrest of the sofa all nonchalant like, this was a ruse to make her father believe she wasn’t actually invested in the conversation.

Her Father lowered his newspaper to look at her curiously. Ginger often asked strange questions, so this could mean that she wanted him to fight the newcomer on the street, or she was just curious. “That depends. Is Perry there to defend him? Because in that case, no.”

“Perry might be on your side, actually,” Ginger grumbled to herself, but her dad heard.

“Well in that case, Perry doesn’t need me, he can beat Heinz up without my help.” He was still partially reading the newspaper.

“You think so?”

“Did you know that Perry has a black belt in kung-fu?”

“No way!” Ginger exclaimed. “But he’s such a wimp!”

Her dad laughed. “That may be, but he can definitely beat me in a fight.”

Ginger made a mental note to remember that weird fact, she didn’t think any of the fireside girls knew that about Perry. He seemed too sweet to be badass. “Okay, but what about Doofenshmirtz?”

Her father sighed and folded his newspaper. “I hadn’t thought about it, sweetheart. What do you think?”

She ummed and awed. “He’s skinny”

“So am I, Ginge.” Her father pointed out.

“He’s old.”

“And exactly how old do you think I am?”

Ginger inspected her father, of course he was old; he was her dad. “But he’s older?”

“Is he?” Her dad was smiling as if something was funny. This meant that Ginger was forced to give up.

“I’ll just assume you’d lose, then.” She concluded as she walked away.

“Ey!” Her father barked, but he didn’t call her back or anything. So he basically admitted defeat.

​

“Hey Stace, do you like Mr Doofenshmirtz?” Ginger was at her sister’s door, planning on slowly shuffling her way in. This technique lowered the odds of Stacy sending her away immediately.

Her sister was on her bed, reading a magazine. She looked up curiously. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, you see him at school all the time, right?” Ginger scooted onto the carpet. She’d made it inside.

“He’s fine. He’s a teacher, so he's still trying to teach me stuff, but all the explosions do make it more fun. His tests are hard, though. He wants to make sure we really get it. If you ask him extra questions, he always helps, but I feel like an idiot if I have to stay and ask stuff every week.”

“Does he ever shout at you?” Ginger braved a full step into the room.

“Me specifically? Nah. Only when everybody is too noisy. He can make some noise, too. You’d think he’d hurt himself with how much he likes to shout.”

Ginger cringed softly. Obviously, Doof would never succeed in getting with her mom, but if he ever did, she’d have to live in the same house as a guy who shouted a lot. Stacy was already loud enough, thank you very much. Her phone calls consisted of 50% shrieking, and Ginger could not handle any more. “So you talk to him one-on-one?” she asked, feeling a bit nervous. Gretchen had only overheard him practising a conversation with Stacy, but he might’ve been trying for a while, there was no way to know unless she got all the info.

“Barely, but he’s Candace’s step-uncle now. So I definitely see him more than the other teachers.” Stacy turned a page in her magazine and looked at her sister, who was halfway to the bed. “Why do you ask? Did you hear a weird rumour about him or something?”

“Oh, you know. I just wanted to know if he’s nice.”

Stacy patted the bed in invitation. Ginger had been working so hard to sneak in, and now she was just invited in? What a waste of time! Instead of mourning her wasted effort, she sat on the bed with her legs criss-cross apple sauce. “So is he?"

“What, Doofenshmirtz?” Stacy asked, still glancing at her magazine, but no longer actually reading anything. The page was full of Korean boys with fancy hairstyles, so maybe reading wasn’t the point anyway.

Ginger nodded. “Like, does he ask about…” Ginger reminded that asking after their mom immediately might be a bit too forward. “People you know?”

Stacy glanced at her with a curiously arched eyebrow. “Like people we know?”

“Yeah,” Ginger shrugged stiffly. “Like people we know well.”

Stacy looked at the ceiling as she thought. “He mentions Perry a lot. Like so much! I know they’re a couple and stuff, but he talks about Perry any time he can squeeze him into the conversation.”

Ginger took a mental note. So he was still obsessed with his boyfriend? But if that was the case, why would he try to cheat? Grown-ups were always weird about relationships, but this just didn’t make much sense to her. “So he only talks about Perry?”

Stacy smiled a little. “If he could get away with it, he might. But if he doesn’t teach us he’d probably get fired. So he also talks about physics and stuff. He’s funny though, I know he sounds like a weirdo when I describe him, but he’s actually a really cool guy.”

Ginger tried not to frown, but Stacy seemed to like Doofenshmirtz a lot. If he’d been asking about their mom, he’d been subtle. She didn’t want to think about the possibility of her being okay with that hunchbacked weirdo being their new dad. They already had a dad.
“You never call other guys cool.” Her tone was vaguely accusatory, but she couldn’t hide that.

“I think Coltrane is cool,” Stacy pointed out.

“Yeah, but he’s like. Not old. He’s a normal age. I’m talking about old people.”

“Like grandpa? He’s awesome!”

“Of course grandpa is awesome. I mean like, people like Dad. Do you really think Mr Doofenshmirtz is cooler than him?” Ginger huffed.

“I wouldn’t compare the two of them,” She sat up a little. “You okay Ginger?"

It was fair for Stacy to ask, because Ginger had at some point worked herself into frustration and was now feeling -and looking- quite angry. “Nevermind!” She huffed. “I can’t believe you like your stupid teacher more than dad.” She scrambled off the bed, ready to stomp out the door.

“I never said I did!” Her big sister shouted, feeling confused, but getting frustrated with her weird questions.

“Well, you never said Dad was cool either!” Ginger pointed out.

“I’ll do it right now!” Stacy replied. “Hey Dad!” She shouted past the open door opening. “Have I ever told you that I think you’re cool?” Then, she looked at her sister with an ‘are you happy now’ sort of expression. But to Ginger, it seemed performative.

“Stacy Hirano!” The voice of her father boomed. “What did you DO?!” And there was the sound of chairs scraping on the floor and two concerned parents coming up to her room, because somehow, that was the most concerning thing they’d ever heard their daughter say.

Ginger fled the scene before she could be included, but she had a strong feeling she’d messed this whole investigation up.

3.

There were many things Perry expected to see when he came home that evening: explosions, a new oil smear on the couch, giant bugs, or maybe, if he’s lucky, pizza. He found none of those things. Instead, he found Heinz camped out in front of the window with a pair of binoculars.

Perry paused past the partially parted entrance and puffed a puff of perturbed breath. If Heinz were to look over at him, he would spread his arms in a ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ kind of way, but whatever he was looking at, it held his full concentration.

“Hum-hum,” Perry went.

“...” Doof responded, for once.

This was extremely unusual. Slowly, Perry closed the door behind himself. As the lock clicked, he snuck up to Heinz, kneeled beside him and squinted at the view; a nice suburban street during sunset.

“They’re watching me,” Heinz said apropos of nothing and handed his partner the spy-glasses. “They’re in the bushes.

Choosing not to question his sanity just yet, Perry lifted the binoculars to his eyes and scanned the street quickly but meticulously.

He was right.

After a second scan of the street, he handed them back. 「Why are the girls spying on you?」

“I would tell you if I knew, Perry the Platypus, I would. My running theory is that they’re trying to find the right moment to swoop in and sell me Girl Scout cookies.” He glanced over and huffed defensively at his partner’s bewildered expression. “What?! Either that-” Heinz brought the binoculars back to his face. “-Or they’re planning to kill me.”

When Perry laughed, so did he. Despite his seat in front of the window, Heinz wasn’t truly that bothered by the kids.

“I don’t know what’s up, Perry. I felt like I was being watched all morning. I was slug hunting in my spinach patch when I first noticed it-” Suddenly, he stopped as a completely different thought popped into his head. Just then, Heinz realised that Perry’d gotten home from work.  Oh! Welcome home, Perry."

Amused by his partner’s sudden distraction, Perry accepted the swift kiss pressed to his lips.

“I forgot about dinner, but I figured we could order pizza?”

Perry nodded very, very quickly.

“Okay, can you-” He paused. “No. I will call them to order. It’s silly, how can I still forget? I swear I’m scared by my own memory sometimes, but it’s just- I can understand you just fine, so it’s so strange to me that other people have no clue what you’re saying, you know? Anyway.”

Heinz stood in the middle of the room with his phone in hand and paused. A moment later, he turned back to Perry, who was still on the floor in front of the window. “What was I doing again?”

Perry laughed and stood. 「Telling me about your day.」

“No I wasn’t, I was telling you about the slugs- The slugs!” Heinz chucked his phone at Perry to point at his crops; they were doing quite well, despite the summer heat. “So I was slug hunting when I noticed Gretchen on the other side of the fence with a clipboard; so I figured she was playing. So I just continued on, sang a little song, caught some slugs, you know?”

Perry nodded, he did know. He had been observed by kids quite often. He couldn’t count the number of times he played the role of a dangerous animal when Phineas and Ferb pretended to be wildlife photographers. Ferb’s David Attenborough was quite good and very soothing.

“-So I figured everything was fine, but then!” Heinz started meandering through the room as he talked, trying to remember. “I went to deliver the mail to the Hiranos. The mailman got our mail mixed up again, can you believe?”

Perry rolled his eyes and huffed. He did believe it. This was the fifth time this had happened.

“I know! It’s not like our last names are anything alike. Anyway, I was talking to Dr Hirano, and there were girls everywhere! I was trying to tell her a joke, and I swear there were like 11 little eyes on me. I flubbed my whole joke!”

「What joke?」 Perry asked, leaning on the sofa’s armrest and smiling fondly at Heinz as he circled the room.

“The really bad one about Drusselsteinian mailmen needing glasses. You hate that one.” Heinz waved off, Perry not liking that joke was common knowledge between the two of them, mostly because Doof told it every time they mentioned the mail. “But it’s fine, because Dr Hirano laughed at it anyway. She’s very polite.”

Perry nodded. Mrs Hirano was one of his favourite neighbours; she didn’t know sign language, but she never treated Perry weirdly and always talked to him normally, unlike many neighbours who shouted at him as if he were deaf or turned to other people to answer for him.

“She tried to tell me something in return, but poof!” He waved his arms around so suddenly that it made Perry jump, and he was not a jumpy man. “Her youngest daughter appeared and distracted her as if I’m not allowed to talk to her. I’m pretty sure she growled at me.” His expression was a bit aghast.

Perry couldn’t help but laugh at him until long-fingered hands grasped his shoulders and shook him.

“She. Growled. At me. Perry.” And he bared his teeth at him as an example.

「That’s just G-I-N-G-E-R」 Perry explained. Kids growled sometimes. His had- at least, Candace pretended to be a cat for a whole month when she was 7.

“They’ve been following me ever since,” Heinz concluded with a slow glance at the window.

Perry craned his neck to also see.

“But I’m not worried,” Heinz concluded light-heartedly. “Now, do you think the pizza will be here soon?”

Perry moved to get him his phone and put it in his hand with a little smile.

“...We haven’t ordered the pizza yet, have we?”

He shook his head no.

“Shoot. I want Puttanesca. What do you want? No. Wait! I know. Tonno.” He then turned away from him as the line connected. “Hello, this is Heinz Doofenshmirtz,” He sang happily.

Perry was left standing with his fingers spelling out the letter T.

Whilst Heinz spoke on the phone, Perry finally kicked off his shoes and went to change into something more casual; his suit wasn’t well-suited for eating pizza on the couch. He was mussing up his hair when Heinz came into the bedroom.

“It’s Friday, so they’ll take a while,” He informed as he looked at Perry intently, he did that when he changed clothes. It seemed rude to ask, but he did wonder if Heinz did that because he still had to adjust to him without his hat and suit sometimes.

“Are you okay to hold out for an hour?”

Hair now properly messy, Perry nodded. He was very hungry, but since Heinz usually didn’t finish his entire pizza anyway, he figured he could just have some of his.
He walked past him and settled on the couch, from where he could crane his neck and see that there was still at least one ten-year-old outside.

“You’re home early today,” Heinz said from behind him. He was messing with something.

Perry nodded without turning around. If Doof was going to talk to the back of his head, he would respond with it.

“And by that I mean at a normal hour.” He clarified. “I didn’t expect you till at least seven.”

With a smile, Perry turned. 「Had to hurry?」

“Rush what?” He asked, attempting to pull a single sheet of paper out of a big, wobbly stack.

Perry shrugged. 「Cleaning your mess?」

“I’ve been very good, I kept my mess in the garage.” He replied haughtily. “But for real, don’t open the door to the garage, it might avalanche.” With a flourish, he swiped the sheet from the middle of the pile, and although it wobbled, it didn’t tumble.
With the paper in hand, he rounded the couch and plonked down. “For a second there, I thought you were making a cheating joke.”

Perry accepted the paper and glanced at it, but judging by the number of umlauts in the text, it was Drusselsteinian. Then he registered what Heinz had said. 「That’s not funny.」

“I know, Perry.” Heinz replied as he somehow knew exactly where to dig into the couch to get hold of a pen. “It was very unlike you, that’s why I was so confused. You keep me in check. The most jealous partner I’ve ever had.” He chuckled and scratched a quick signature on the paper. “But the best one.” He nuzzled a quick apologetic kiss on Perry’s cheek, he shouldn’t even have brought up the topic.
“So? You finished your mission? Is that why you’re home early?”

A brisk nod followed by a relieved smile lit up Perry’s features, and Heinz bounced in reply. “Oh! That means you’re done! I finally get to see you again!”

Perry hummed and wiggled his hand in a 「Kinda」 gesture.

“Good enough for me,” Heinz put the paper on the middle of the coffee table, meaning he didn’t want to forget about it. “So we have a reason to celebrate?”

「I just want pizza」 Perry confessed by mimicking the shoving of the pizza into his mouth.

“And I just want to watch El Matador de Amor,” Heinz agreed. “So it seems we can both have what we want. We haven’t even watched last week’s episode yet because someone’s been too busy saving the world or whatever.”

Perry blinked in surprise. 「You waited?」

“What? And watch our show without you?!” Perry smiled fondly as he watched Heinz puff up like a bird, ready to be dramatic about this. “Do you think I’m a bad boyfriend or something? Sure, I steal the blankets, but you are too hot anyway at night.”

Perry nodded in agreement.

“-And I kicked you out of bed last week, and sure I drank all the coffee and refused to make more-”

He nodded again.

“- And yes, I steal your favourite socks all the time, but I would never! NEVER! Watch our show without you, Perry the platypus! How daaaaare you!” As he spoke, his grin got wider and wider. His eyes sparkled as he watched Perry grin in return. Too amused to be annoyed.

Heinz slung one long arm around his shoulder and settled against his side. “And that’s why you like me.”

On que, Perry wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him in closer. He’d agree if he could, but his hand was comfortably holding on, so he just nodded and leaned in for a kiss.

“The only reason you like me,” Heinz specified before his laughter was smothered by plush lips.

4.

“He was mumbling about Mrs Hirano again.” Gretchen didn't seem happy to share the news at all. “He was gardening, and he just kept going on and on about how in love he was. I think he's obsessed with her.”

“This fucking sucks!” Ginger groaned. “I need to make sure he stays away from my mom. Can we put him in jail or something?” The paper straw she’d been drinking her lemonade through snapped within her vengeful little fists.

“He deserves it, if he's actually considering cheating on Perry.” Holly contemplated handing Ginger a new straw, but she feared it would meet a similar fate to her current straw. “Ginger’s mom is smart and pretty. She wouldn't date Doofenshmirtz. But poor Perry. When his heart is broken, he'll be so hurt he has to move back in with Phineas and Ferb. He wouldn't survive on his own.”

“Phineas would be happy if Uncle Perry moved in again.” Isabella pointed out.

“Have you not been listening?!” Addison asked, offended. “Uncle Perry might die!”

“You're right!” Isabella agreed, her brow set in a serious frown. “We need to save Uncle Perry, and there is only one thing we can do.”

She looked at her fireside sisters, who already seemed to be in agreement. “We have to kill Mr Doofenshmirtz!”

“Yeah!” The other girls agreed.

They spent a solid hour thinking of ways to end their neighbour’s life that would make it look like an accident, but the risk was consistently too big. Either they would be suspects, or Perry would be. And they all agreed Uncle Perry wouldn't survive more than 5 seconds in prison.

“I think we should reconsider throwing a piano on his head.” Katie groaned. She was desperately leaning her head in her hands because she knew that plan wouldn't work. “If Isa asks Phineas for a piano, I am sure he would get her one.”

“Its too suspicious if I ask for a piano and then Mr Doofenshmirtz dies because of a piano,” Isabella grumbled.

“We could ask Buford for help. I am sure he wouldn't mind going to prison.”

“No Katie, it is part of our duty to keep Buford out of prison as long as we can. He is too useful to us.” Isabella reminded sternly. “I think we have no other choice. We should just tell Uncle Perry.”

“But his heart will break-”

“I know, Holly,” Isabella agreed, and she turned to her seriously. “We'll have to bring medical equipment or something. But Perry deserves to know the truth. If he lives, we can offer to kill Mr Doofenshmirtz then.”

The entire table was silent for a second. They contemplated the many, many sketches they'd made of Doof being crushed, electrocuted, hit by a car, and burned to death.

“I think Isabella is right.”

With a grim look of determination, Isabella faced her troupe. “All in favour of letting Mr Doofenshmirtz live. For now?” She added at the end with a tight jaw.

“AYE!” all girls agreed as one.

“I will do the talking,” Isabella rose from her chair and turned to the door. As one, the other girls followed.

5.

The weather was obnoxiously pleasant. Today was much too cheery for the task at hand. Isabella contemplated that an ominous thunder cloud or perhaps a eery mist would be more appropriate. But this was Danville, so the sun was out and the birds were singing.

She’d texted Phineas if he knew where Perry was, and received a picture of Uncle Perry, reading a book in a hammock, in response. So he was at Phineas’ house. That would be good, he’d have family members close by to comfort him when his poor little heart broke, and a shoulder to cry on. It was a grave thought, but at least she'd get to see Phineas.

Sadly, she didn’t expect Phineas to be in a good mood after she had told her story.

“Hi Uncle Perry, Whatcha’ doing?” She asked as she opened the gate to the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. She made sure not to sound too chipper. Perry didn’t need emotional whiplash on top of everything else.

He peeked over the top of his novel and found an entire girls scout troup gazing at him. He smiled, fished for his phone and sat up, something that looked a little inelegant in a hammock.

“Uncle Perry,” Suddenly, Isabella realised that she was nervous. What if Perry got angry with her? What if he started crying? She didn’t know how to console a grown man, even if she liked him a lot. Perry was like her 4th favourite adult after her parents and Santa.
No, she told herself. You owe it to Perry to tell him the truth. Even if he cried like a baby, she would be here for him. That’s what a good scout-leader would do, and if anybody was going to be there for him, it was going to be her.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news...”

Her voice tapered off towards the end of the sentence, but Perry had always been a good listener.

He placed a hand on her shoulder and looked at her kindly. She didn’t need him to ask what was wrong, or that she could tell him anything, because she knew that already.

“It’s about your boyfriend, Mr Doofenshmirtz.” She tangled her fingers together. Telling bad news was hard. Now she regretted insisting on being the one to do the talking. She should’ve let Adyson do it, she was so brutally honest that she could’ve said it by now already.

“Gretchen lives next door to you two,” She gestured at Gretchen, and Perry nodded, because he knew.

“And…” It wasn’t like her to hesitate, but she did. She pressed her fingers together and looked at Perry’s face. He was looking concerned, not for himself, but for her.

“Gretchen overheard Heinz confessing his love for Dr Hirano. He’s trying to cheat on you!”

Perry’s face went hard and cold so quickly that Isabella suppressed the urge to startle.

“What have you heard?” his text-to-speech asked barely a moment later.

“He’s been making plans to talk to her after a business trip,”

Perry turned to Gretchen, who wore a sad expression. “He was practising how to go over there, and confess that Mrs Hirano is all he wants. And that he knows it's wrong but that he wants her anyway.”

The girls watched as Perry worked his jaw. He looked furious. He slowly retracted his hand from Isabella’s shoulder and made a fist so tight his knuckles popped.

He exhaled once, slowly, and behind their leader, some of the girls exchanged worried glances. They’d never seen Perry like this before.

Without signing or typing anything else, Perry got up and stormed out of the garden, leaving the fireside troupe behind.

“I think Perry can kill Doofenshmirtz all by himself…” Holly admitted. “I didn’t know he could get so angry.”

“Did anyone else think he was really scary all of a sudden?” Adyson asked. “I didn’t know he could be cool like that.”

“Should we call the police?” Gretchen asked, and he grabbed her phone.

Before she could dial anyone, the sliding door to the house opened. “Oh Hi Isabella and Gretchen, Adyson, Katie, Holly, Milly and Ginger.”

“Hi Phineas!” They all replied, some more lovestruck than others.

A moment later, Ferb also appeared, and he also got greeted, less lovestruck by one, but a little more lovestruck by others.

“Hey, where’s Perry?” Phineas asked as he noticed the empty hammock. “We brought him lemonade.” On a tray, he presented a beautiful glass of sweet-looking lemonade. Two ice cubes clicked together in the sparkling liquid, and a fat bead of condensation slowly slipped down. “We made it specially for him. Don’t tell me he got a call and left.”

“He promised he didn’t have work today.” Ferb agreed, looking around the yard curiously, his eyebrows knit together a little worriedly.

“Oh, Phineas…” Isabella sighed, not lovestruck as usual, but burdened with an intense grief and sadness. She hung her head and dug the toe of her shoe into the soft, green grass of the garden. “Uncle Perry had to go home. He- Well..”
She didn’t know how to continue. Phineas’ stunning blue eyes looked concerned. Quickly, he set the lemonade aside and came to her. His hands grasped her shoulder kindly, but she was too distraught to pay it much mind. “Uncle Perry just got his heart broken.”

“Huh?” Phineas replied eloquently, as unfamiliar with the concept of love as always.

“Mr Doofenshmirtz was planning to cheat on him!” Adyson explained instead, matter-of-factly. “And I am pretty sure Perry is going to kill him now.” She pointed behind her at the still swinging garden gate.

“Wait what?!”

Although Phineas and Ferb both looked surprised to hear this, the holler came from inside the house. Barely two seconds later, Candace came bursting through the door opening with such speed that her tennis shoes skidded on the floor.

“What happened?!” she asked, her phone dangling from her fingers, forgotten.

“Thursday morning, I overheard Mr Doofensmirtz talking in his garden about how he was going to cheat on Perry with Ginger’s mom,” Gretchen explained matter-of-factly.

“No way,” Candace gasped.

“Then yesterday afternoon, I overheard him again. He said the exact same thing. It’s his plan to get together.”

“No WAY!” Candace exclaimed in both disbelief and anger. “He wouldn’t do that to him!”

“We spied on him all day!” Holly added. “He even went to visit Ginger’s mom.”

“And he flirted with her?” Candace asked, eyebrows heavy. It was becoming more and more clear that if Perry let Heinz live, Candace might finish him off after all.

“He told a suuuuuper bad joke,” Ginger grumbled, disgusted by the memory.

“And we all know humour is a direct line to the heart.” Phineas agreed in the tone of an expert.

“Wait, really?” Isabella asked, and she stared at Phineas, but he was too conflicted to pay her much mind.

“It can’t be true!” He exclaimed with a cocktail of negative emotions on his face. Somehow, it seemed like the concept of a love ending was foreign to him. “Uncle Perry was finally in love!”

“Uncle Heinz- Doof-” For now, Candace didn’t believe he deserved the title of uncle. Not if he was a traitor and a cheat. “He may be lame, but he made Perry happy. They were gross, old, and romantic together. What changed?”

“Can you tell me his exact words, Gretchen?” Ferb asked politely, his normally placid expression set seriously. His siblings might be angry, but he was worried. He wasn’t sure yet for whom.

“He has this master plan, I heard the whole thing,” Gretchen recalled.

“You did?” Candace asked, only to be halted when Ferb held out his arm to silence her. According to his calculations, Perry would be halfway home by now.

“He was going to use Stacy.”

Candace tried to gasp, but once again- Ferb’s arm.

“To get close to her mom.”

“Continue,” Ferb instructed calmly.

“And he went on and on and on about how he knew it was wrong-”

“But he was in love with Stacey’s mom?” Ferb finished, speaking for the third time in as many minutes.

The fireside girls looked at Gretchen, who nodded seriously.

But Ferb, who returned to being as quiet as people were accustomed to him, slowly turned his head, first to Phineas and then to Candace.

“Oh no.” Candace gasped, her usually pale complexion somehow even more blanched than usual. “UNCLE PERRY!”
She was known to be able to shout at impressive volumes, but this, she boomed at truly impressive intensity before she set off running. “Uncle Perry, wait! Don’t strangle him!” Within a moment, she sprinted through the gate and down the street.

“If Uncle Perry was walking at his usual speed…,” Phineas mumbled to himself as he scratched his head. “Ferb, I don’t think she’s going to make it. We need to-” He turned to his brothers and paused, because he’d disappeared. “Ferb?” He asked and turned a full circle to make sure that his brother wasn’t somehow right behind him, but he really had left.

“Um, Phineas. He’s there,” Isabella pointed past the door at the interior of the living room. “What just happened?”

“I believe we have figured out what has happened,” Phineas explained, somehow more perky now. “And Uncle Heinz is innocent! Great right?”

“Yeah, it is Phineas,” Isabella agreed a bit awkwardly. “But Perry seemed really, really mad.”

“Gretchen, have you ever heard of the band Fountains of Wayne?” Phineas asked her politely.

“Um. No,” she admitted. “Should I have?”

“It makes sense. They were popular in the early 2000’s and since we’re all ten years old…”

“-Actually, I’m 11!” Milly announced proudly.

“Technically, I am two,” Ferb grunted as he came back outside, pushing a heavy black box.

“Isn’t it odd that I feel like I personally remember the 00’s? Do you have that too, Ferb?” Phineas turned to him, but he was too busy shoving a heavy box around. “You’re right, now is not the time to get meta.”

“Anyway, the band Fountains of Wayne released a song in 2003 that swept the international music scene by storm,” Phineas explained happily.

“Phineas, that’s nice, but what does that have to do with the Uncle Perry situation?”

“Oh right. Ferb, I think we should hurry.” Behind him, Ferb combined two power cords, and the giant box he’d just hauled outside turned out to be a speaker. As the power cords connected, a buzzing noise hummed through the garden, making it obvious it had turned on.

“Alrighty then.” Phineas smiled. He accepted Ferb’s phone, which was attached to the boombox and pressed the screen.

From the speakers came a cacophony of noise, drawing out Phineas’s voice completely. If he were to shout as loudly as he could, there still was no chance of anyone hearing him.

Guitars started wayling in a distinctly 2003 way.

The fireside girls all jumped to cover their ears in surprise.

It only took 8 seconds before the singer kicked in, all Ferb and Phineas could do now was hope that they’d made it in time.

​

6.

His heart was racing. His feet were steady on the sidewalk. Betrayed again.

He really believed Heinz when he promised. He had promised to hurt him the right way only; Initially this had meant violence and traps and long monologues. Then it had morphed into romance with bickering, teasing, and stark red lines along his shoulder blades, but not this. Never this.

It’s been years since that promise, and although he’d gotten mad with jealousy several times because of Heinz’s desperate need for affirmation and attention. Technically, Heinz had never broken his promise. And Perry had worked on himself; his jealous tendencies were an unhealthy way to cope. He would have to communicate with Heinz, just like Heinz always communicated with him.

Or so he’d thought. All that personal growth: out the window! If he got his hands on Heinz… He would- He- Well, Monogram had been urging him to put his license to kill to good use for a while now.

His knuckles blanched with how tightly his fists were curled. He had to, if he didn’t, he would break open like a porcelain vase on a marble floor. His eyes burned, his throat burned, his heart burned.

How could he not have noticed? Since when was Heinz good at keeping secrets from him? He was like an audiobook! He read himself. Out loud! Could he have somehow missed his wandering eyes?
He knew his last mission had been long and tedious. He really hadn’t been home much lately, but he’d seen Heinz every day, even if it was just a few moments before bed. Was that really enough to break them? After all this time?

He wanted revenge, but first, he needed an explanation. He just hoped that Heinz remembered how to talk with a fist clenching on his windpipe. He'd better remember to speak fast and get to the point.

Distantly, Perry heard his name, like someone was calling out to him, but he didn’t pay it any attention.

With a kick that definitely broke the gate, Perry entered his own backyard. There, wearing a ridiculous sun hat and surrounded by flowering zucchinis, was the man he loved for many years.

Heinz hadn’t expected his garden gate to fly off its hinges, so he jumped, flailed and shrieked in fear before he turned with a surprised “Perry the Platypus?!”
Because that man -despite not wearing a fedora- was not his boyfriend, those thundering dark eyes belonged to his nemesis.

“Did you just break our gate?”​

Menacingly, Perry came closer, one step at a time like a prowling jaguar.

Heinz blinked at him, realising that the sweat on his back suddenly ran cold. “Perry?” He repeated.

Somewhere in the distance, a little voice desperately called out the same thing “ᵁⁿᶜˡᵉ ᴾᵉʳʳʸʸʸʸʸʸʸᵎ”
But Candace’s desperation fell on deaf ears.

One second and one step later, Perry’s eyes flashed dangerously as they settled on Heinz’s pale, slender, defenceless throat.

“...Perry, what is this?” Heinz asked, his voice just a little more shrill than normal.

He reached.

A low buzz disturbed the air for just a moment.

Both men paused, confused.

“STACY’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON! STACY’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON! STACY’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON! STACY’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON!"

The entire neighbourhood was flooded with early 2000’s powerpop, and the absurdity of the situation shook both Perry and Heinz from the intense moment they were having.

“Oh my gosh!” Heinz shrieked over the noise! “They played this song at the party in the teacher’s lounge!”

He didn’t notice how Perry’s ice-cold stare broke open into a confused look.

“It’s been stuck in my head for days now!” He laughed for a moment and then howled; “Stacy’s mom has got it going on, she’s all I want, and I’ve waited for so long!” Along with the music.

Perry’s shoulders sank as he realised what had happened to him. He turned to look behind him and calculated that the music HAD to have come from his other backyard. The kids had figured it out.

With a sense of relief but also a touch of embarrassment, he allowed his eyes to close. He had to be smiling like a lunatic.

“Perry!” Heinz shouted, grasping his hand to pull him into an impromptu dance. Unable to resist, Perry allowed his rhythmic bouncing to pull him in as Heinz continued serenading the ridiculous lyrics at him.

He felt bad now for believing the girls so easily. He wondered if Heinz would laugh at him if/when he explained this in the future, but right now his hands were tied. His boyfriend wanted to dance with him in their weird vegetable garden and pool-filled garden. Instead of worrying right now, he allowed the rhythm to sweep him up.​

Candace was judging them. They looked ridiculous, but as a true romantic, she had to admit that they were kinda cute. She was casually leaning against the busted post of the garden’s gate, debating if she should film this or not, when her brothers and a whole gaggle of girls caught up to her.

“Did we make it in time?” Her littlest brother asked.

“See for yourself,” Candace gestured. “They look fine to me.”

Despite it not matching this type of music at all, Perry spun Heinz in a jovial little circle, attempting to keep his long legs away from the tomato stalks. He had moderate success.

​