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Alligator Tears

Summary:

Puck Buzz @puckbuzzgossip
Questions arise about the timeline of the Hollander-Rozanov affair and Hollander’s sudden exit from the Montreal Metros after cryptic post: see more

-or-

Social media crashes out after the reveal of how long Hollanov have really been together.

Notes:

Hi again welcome to the circus
You should know what to expect by now
If y'all don't follow Bubba on tiktok/insta please do he might actually be teh funniest sports fan alive

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Puck Buzz @puckbuzzgossip

Questions arise about the timeline of the Hollander-Rozanov affair and Hollander’s sudden exit from the Montreal Metros after cryptic post: see more

 

Cents Stan @centsoncentsoncents

It’s only cryptic if you’re dumb

↳↳Its Hole-ander actually @hollalujah

Shane’s overestimating the media literacy rates among hockey fans, i fear

↳↳↳No It IS That Serious 🏒 @hockeyismylife46

Nah he’s rooting out his stupid fans CRITICAL THINKERS ONLY

↳↳↳↳Cents and Centsability @goodgollymissmolly 

❎Homophobes

❎Dummies

❎ Metros Fans

↳↳↳↳↳let my cens fight @censgoaliestan 

You said homophobes/dummies twice, bestie

↳↳↳↳↳↳Suffering Montreal Fan @gometrosgoiguess

PLEASE 😭

 

Hollander’s #1 Girl @allabout24

“The Hollander-Rozanov affair” pls they’re literally married with a dog and like 5 rookie kids, let's stop talking about this like it’s some scandal

↳↳caecilia 🙂@caellysworld

Idk fuckin your rival for a decade in secret is pretty scandalous 






Hollander’s #1 Girl @allabout24

So now that we all know Shane’s been with Roz the whole time…can SOME PEOPLE finally admit there’s no way he tripped on purpose

Its Hole-ander actually @hollalujah

HollaNation how does it feel to be beautiful, sexy, and RIGHT

↳↳Shane Hollander’s left tit @lilylaughsart

No fr we so up rn 





Hock-Tea😈 @HockTeaGossip

Anonymous sources say Shane Hollander didn’t just leave the Montreal Metros—he was pushed out, citing issues of “loyalty.” Read More:

 

No It IS That Serious 🏒 @hockeyismylife46

Shane is loyal to WINNING tf 😭

 

Anya’s secret sister @allaboutthepuck

So we’re all getting the vibe that the Metros traded their star player after finding out he’d been in a decade-long relationship with his sworn rival, right? And that it was the homophobia right??????

↳↳Hollander’s #1 Girl @allabout24

I just wanna know if it was a “conflict of interest” when he was winning them trophies?

 

Jelly Belly @gearheadbi

Imagine you’re literally the best on your team and some BUM ASS LOSER has the audacity to call you disloyal

↳↳Anya’s secret sister @allaboutthepuck

Haven't put up a point all season but they’re calling SHANE disloyal baby YOU”RE the sabateur 

↳↳↳Dream Girl 🌈@dreamgurlevul

Like OH OKAY

 

Suffering Montreal Fan @gometrosgoiguess

I need to buy a gun

↳↳24 ⛔ 81 @metrosforhollander 

For who????

↳↳↳Suffering Montreal Fan @gometrosgoiguess

Girl i’m not sure yet but ill let you know when i find out 

 

missing the Holz @metros4hollanov

Montreal Metros…so what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me

 

Shane Hollander’s left tit @lilylaughsart

Homophobia in montreal??? Fork found in kitchen i fear

↳↳No It IS That Serious 🏒 @hockeyismylife46

Like yes babe. Birds in the sky. Fish in the sea. Homophobes in the Bell Centre we knew this.





Video Transcript From TikTok

[Influencer Jerimiah Rollins is sitting at his kitchen table wearing a Montreal Metros jersey.]

Rollins: (smiling ominously) Good morning. (Speaking quickly) Goodmorninggoodmorninggoodmorning

Rollins: (laughter) I wake up this morning. The birds are chirping. I’m in a good mood because my team's playing tonight (smiles widely). I was born a Metros fan, and I’m gonna die a Metros fan, yaknow? Through the good and the bad (laughs, looking off to the side).

Rollins: (sighs and gestures broadly with his hands) And it's been a rough year! Rough season start! Lookin a lil shaky! Lil shakey, ya know what I mean??

Rollins: (shrugs) But I'm like, “it’s cool. It’s cool!!!” We gon get it together!

Rollins: (deep inhale)

Rollins: (shouting) So! Imagine my surprise! When I log on to the bird app this morning, and I see my GOAT Shane Hollander talking 'bout….”my moon” and “it's always been us”….always? Like always always?? Like whole time always?? Like all three cups always??

Rollins: (quieter, speaking voice) And then I got to thinkin….that trippin’ story never made sense to me. Not my GOAT! Throwing games? Number 2 draft pick Shane Hollander? Fastest skater in the league?? The captain of captains??

Rollins: My GOAT trips one time, and all of a sudden, everyone goes crazy. Mind you, he probably tripped because he was carrying the weight of some of the most useless fucking (yelling) bozos—

Rollins: (deep inhale) Lemme not get distracted, y’all know my blood pressure bad.

Rollins: (deep breath)

Rollins: (speaking softly) So why am I hearing that the real reason they traded my GOAT was homophobia?? Homophobia?? Is winning games gay now? Somebody gotta explain that one to me.

Rollins: (Getting louder) Y’all kicked my goat off the team for what? For what??? ‘Cause he suck a lil dick??? (yelling) I don't know, maybe more of the Metros need to suck a lil dick so they can put some goddam points on the board!!!

Rollins: (yelling at the top of his lungs) Shits embarrassing!! Fuck!! We could've had a dynasty, and y’all gave that shit to the Russian terrorist in Ottawa! Imma be sick the rest of my life!! I ain't ever seen no shit like this!!

[Video ends.]

 

Shelly 🏒 @gearheadgirl  

pookie it’s 9am and youre already yelling 😩

 

Cents Stan @centsoncentsoncents

Tbf fair we did just learn that Roz’s dick ain’t “lil”

↳↳hollanov on top @itsashutout46

God forbid Shane Hollander go above and beyond in all aspects of his life

↳↳↳Its Hole-ander actually @hollalujah

Right??? I’m supposed to be upset that he’s an ATHLETE????

 

Ex Montreal Stan @imonlyhereforhollander

Everybody gotta get fired, bruh, i want theriault turned into a possum TONIGHT

 

NYC Queen 🗽 @itsjustjess35

I mean…suckin dick fixed scott hunter’s game it’s worth a try 🤷🏿‍♀️

↳↳Shane Hollander’s left tit @lilylaughsart

You get a cock and you get a cock everybody gets a COCK

↳↳↳B-Town Girl 🎉@allyandajstan

Cens the gayest team in the league and they’re playin their asses off somebody get the Raiders a pass around twink STAT

 

Boston FTW @raidersforthwin

apparently the secret to winning is a queer love affair if anyone on the Boston Raiders is interested, my dms (and legs) are open 🏃‍♂️

↳↳Ra Ra Rozanov🐻@mrsraiders81 

For the good of the team, right? 🤔

↳↳↳Boston FTW @raidersforthwin

We all make sacrifices 🙂

 

Pour it Up @bostonbgirl

I'm still shocked about the Hollander of it all? I mean Cliff Marleau was right there 😭😭😭😭😭

↳↳Lashes by Lexi @bostonlashlex 

As many threesomes as Roz and Marleau had they definitely explored each other’s bodies 🤷🏼‍♀️

↳↳↳Boston FTW @raidersforthwin

Marley my guy how'd you fumble Rozy we could've kept him in Boston 

↳↳↳↳caecilia 🙂@caellysworld

Oh I'm starting a rumor