Work Text:
(Flashback)
The others said change was natural. Like trees shedding their leaves in autumn to welcome winter. Like the years of rain washing away the old colors that children used to draw on the ground.
Amane isn't sure when it started to change. Maybe when the terrace at home was covered with wilted petals. Or for example, when the air smelled as if someone hadn't dusted in a particularly long time. No. It must have started much earlier. Otherwise, it wouldn't have come this far.
As far as it is now. Today... Thursday.
"Yugi-kun?"
The teachers ask him why Tsukasa hasn't been coming to school lately. Lately, they ask it often.
"Is your brother still at home?"
It must seem strange when a student suddenly doesn't come to school for a whole month, right?
Amane would always smile. The normal student smile, when a teacher looks at you with a worried expression. "Tsukasa is sick. He can't come," he always answers. "When can your brother come back?" "When he feels better."
"Is that so?"
"Get well soon."
"Get well soon."
"Get well soon."
And then they would turn away again. Walk until their backs disappear around the next corner. They forgot, one after another. It wasn't important to them – why should it be? Adults always act so dutifully.
Strict about lies.
But because it won't happen anyway, it doesn't matter whether Amane tells the truth or not. It is the truth. So he let it be the truth.
At home, everything was fine. Kaa-san doesn't care anyway whether only one of her children goes to school or both. She just sits at the table and mutters something incomprehensible to herself. Amane doesn't care. Because she doesn't care. For years now. Ever since Tou-san left her.
Tou-san gave up on her. She gave up.
And Amane? Amane gave up on reaching her long ago. The main thing is that he is fine. Him and Tsukasa.
"There's a planetarium show next week."
The outside world rushed past his eyes like a long, long, infinitely long film strip. The colors flickered from black to white.
Black.
White.
Black.
White.
White.
White.
White.
... Snow was white.
Amane no longer remembers when he got tired.
He only knows that he was sick. No idea how sick. Sick.
X
One week passed. Nothing will change, will it?
X
Tsukasa is blind, Amane is mute.
X
It had been winter. A cold, colorless winter. Snowflakes falling from the sky... Hit. A flash of light – No, headlight.
Red. He remembered red. Snow sailed – BAMM... A collision of... he tasted iron. The sky spun.
The ground pressed against him. Pain, and then... Nothing. No more lights. No snow. Tsukasa lay on the snow.
The snow lay on him. Not winter.
Winter was white, winter was colorless.
So cold. Where was the winter?
"Ha…"
A veil... Maybe, there had been doves. Must have been. A feather enveloped him-
Was that the snow? From that day on, Tsukasa saw nothing.
The dove flew past.
He remained behind.
From that day on, Amane said nothing. Amane remained behind. Maybe because he couldn't say the most important thing. Because Tsukasa couldn't see it? And now... Period. Now... Before that, they had argued, hadn't they? No one knows.
And now: now it was too late to ever say anything again. To beg for forgiveness. To scream. To cry. What right did he have if he couldn't even... never mind.
It was too late.
Because of him, Tsukasa was blind now. Because of him. How many times had he warned him not to run across streets? How many times had he warned him to watch the road?
But the snow had been too thick. Too thick to see.
Perfectly thick, so that even the driver thought it was an accident
Maybe it would be better if Amane had followed. Maybe he could have protected him. Maybe everything would have been different if only... But it wasn't like that. He could only watch.
Tsukasa didn't die.
He should have died…
But the dove did. Seeing... Words change nothing. Prayers. Warnings. Nothing. That day, Amane lost his voice in the wind and snow. Winter carried him away. He deserved it, deserved it, deserved it...
Cry, Amane.
Everything will be okay. No, it wasn't.
I'm so sorry...
"Hey, Tsukasa. Do you see the moon? They say a bird sleeps there."
But now everything was different. Nothing remained as it was. He couldn't see. He couldn't – Amane can't speak. Tsukasa can't hear him. He took away his hearing. Tsukasa took his colors.
Tsukasa. Tsukasa. Tsukasa. Tsukasa... how long would it take until he forgot what colors looked like?
Amane decided that he really, really hated change.
---
"Amane?"
Hands groped for his.
The pain of fingernails digging into flesh didn't come
He closed his eyes. "Amaneeee..."
Opened them again.
His vision blurred. There was a buzzing in the back of his head. And there he was. Tsukasa. The same hair, the same facial features, the same, so so so stupid smile. But his eyes – white. Simply white. His breath trembled.
Oh God, how he hated this sight.
They should have been amber.
Amber-colored gold, like meteors, stars falling from the sky.
They should have been warm, alive, like before, when he pressed an earthworm into his hand, like before, when he jumped out at him from the next corner, like before, when they named stars under the sky, like before, when Amane had scolded him for his messy tie and fixed it for him.
…
Now his eyes were white. Now he wore bandages around his eyes to supposedly protect them. Now he couldn't run around, jump, or look for frogs in the garden anymore. No. Now Tsukasa lay in a bed and drew. Without the moon. Without the clouds. Only Amane. A useless, naive brother who never spoke to him.
"Amane look! Look what I made!!"
A broad, childlike smile lay on his face. Tsukasa beamed. A bright humming resonated in his voice. Why did it feel so wrong? Paper rustled as he held up a simple drawing. Amane needed several seconds to recognize what it was.
"“If we were frogs, Amane! I bet it would be super cool if someone stepped on us, because then it would go BAMM and we would be all green from here and here! Frogs are green and sticky, so the person who steps on us would also be all green and sticky, haha!”"
It was... colorful. Chaotic. As if a hurricane had raged across the paper. Was that a foot? Or a tree trunk? Tsukasa's grip tightened. The paper was pressed in his hand. He stared. At the drawing. ~It's damn scrawly~
“But then we could transform, Amane!” Tsukasa chattered on undisturbed.
“You like dinos! Into really big dinosaurs that go raaaw and waaaah and then it would go BOOM again because we could eat all the people on Earth and the Earth like a tiny marble!”
Silence.
No sound left his throat. Several seconds passed. Tsukasa's hand twitched. As if he had burned himself.
"Ahh..." A quiet laugh escaped him. It sounded hollow, like a hollowed-out tree cave. Strange... empty. That sound didn't fit Tsukasa at all. Not in the slightest. A slight shake of his head.
“Amane..." His tone became cheerful again. But Amane wondered how much of it was truly real.
"I'm sure these are in space too!!"
He continued. Again there was that smile. As if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't forgotten that now... well, whatever.
"Great, you know? With spikes! Maybe on Mars? Yes, on Mars! Certainly not on the moon~ it would be to cold, right?"
A quiet giggle. Amane closed his eyes. But he kept listening. Tsukasa wouldn't be able to see it anyway. Just not. "Amane would surely be good friends with them!"
He squeezed Amane's hand tighter. Maybe Amane was mistaken... but it was strangely affectionate. And... His voice grew softer. Almost tender... if you could describe it for Tsukasa.
"Buuut" Tsukasa hummed. Playfully already... as if they were talking about a little kitten. "Amane doesn't need friends! I'm your only one~"
Sugary sweet words. The poison is missing.
His fingernails clawed through the skin. Amane let him.
And Tsukasa only needed Amane. No one else. Amane alone. It will be fine. As always. Even if the sun goes down... Amane only needs Tsukasa.
Then everything is fine.
-it will always stay that way. Promise. It's all that's left.-
Weeks where Tsukasa hadn't heard a word from Amane. Weeks where Amane had laughed. How much longer?
X
~Only flowers have colours~
If colors were flowers, then they have wilted.
The dust should be gray. The rain should be red. Rain colors the blossoms in beautiful, magnificent colors.
X
It's not that they didn't try. Communicate, you know?
Amane was mute. At least he could still write. Tsukasa was blind. At least he could still hear. Oh. And speak, of course. How the hell was Amane supposed to answer? How the hell was Tsukasa supposed to read?
The silence crushed Amane. Tsukasa's voice filled it. It wasn't enough.
It had been quiet for a long time.
Some days, Amane stood in front of the mirror. When morning was no longer morning – he saw his reflection, himself, perfectly normal, perfectly Amane… the mirror was silent. It shouldn't speak. It was just a reflection. No one will be able to hear him.
It was Amane.
The mirror was mute. Behind the glass… there was no person.
Sensei said: glass reflects broken light.
He always had been. How logical. Just a reflection, of light and colors.
The reflection was mute. Why is it staring at him?
And so Amane was.
Today he looked in the mirror again. Saw Amane. Saw a boy with golden eyes.
Eyes that belonged to him. Not the glass. Eyes that were like that. Not Tsukasa.
I wonder… No.
He turned away. And so did the mirror. It was quiet. If only it were this quiet… Tomorrow morning he would return. They both knew that.
Tomorrow. The day after.
As long as Amane lives, his reflection haunts him.
It has nothing to do with Tsukasa. Because the reflection tries to replace Tsukasa through Amane. … what was he thinking? Nonsense.
Still… why can't it stop?
Amane has to find a way.
He must at all costs.
X
Some evenings they sat in the same futon. Tsukasa's, to be precise. To be more precise, Amane and Tsukasa's futons pushed together.
The stuffed animal on the cushions watched them.
They would learn a language together – a language that Amane would speak. Sign language? Something like that. Not that he could speak it. Tsukasa wouldn't be able to see it anyway. Instead, it was a script that he carved into his flesh, where Amane wrote various characters into on Tsukasa's skin.
Only when the skin turned red did he stop.
Soon it was teeth. Soon it was scars.
Tsukasa never complained. Instead, he hums a lullaby and smiles.
Instead, he comfortingly cups Amane's cheek and strokes his face with his thumb. Instead, he tells him that xxxxx Amane doesn't understand a word.
Eventually, he learned.
it wasn't just the script
Something warm touched his skin. Fingers groped for his cheeks. Eyes looked at him. They don't see. Another tremor ran through him... something warm flowed from his eyes. It burned.
"Shhh... don't cry"
No. A warm breath brushed his face. The breath surrounded his skin. In that moment, he didn't see.
A forehead rested against his. The hands on his cheek held him.
“After all, Amane loves me!”
So... Tears ran down his face, hot, alive. “Ha….hgh” He breaks down.
Not because of the impact. Not because of the force. No. But because he was so, so damn tired. Tired of the games.
It's no longer fun. I want it to finally stop…. and he had been broken for so long, for an eternity.
Today he became dust. Yesterday he became dust. Amane had lost…. so why did he fall? ...Something warm, wet touched his cheek.
Left a burning trail on his skin. Maybe it was disgusting. Much too wet. Too close. At the same time, the hands pulled him closer.
"It's your fault"
A shiver ran through his body. He wanted to step back.
“I forgive you, Amane! You don't have to be ashamed!”
Tsukasa licked away his tears. He had his eyes closed. Like a child asleep. Then the eyelids opened. Empty eyes looked at him. He looked into them. Where was the abyss? "Amane.”
Tsukasa always forgave him.
I can't forgive myself
X
Since their parents weren't there, Amane had to do the housework. For himself and Tsukasa.
The youth welfare office assures them. Funded.
At least they have money. Not much, but enough for him and Tsukasa together.
“If we don't find a guardian for you, we'll put you in a foster family. You're only thirteen and minors.”
And so they stayed in their house. The house of their parents.
„Yugi.“
There he stood. Same hair, same casual posture, same damn look. Tsuchigomori-sensei had hardly changed in those few weeks, except maybe the voice with which he addressed Amane. Without expecting an answer.
How could he? So Amane just stood there. With a furrowed brow facing his sensei, hand on the doorknob – ready at any moment to pull it closed again.
If a teacher comes to your house personally outside of class…
in 99% of cases, he's not just there to drink tea.
„Should we go in first?“ Sensei sighed softly. Shifted his weight, leaning against the doorframe he had been leaning on.
„Tea wouldn't be bad either. Out here, my hands are freezing off.“
And when your teacher says that to you one day… how likely is it that he just wants "some tea"?
So. The fact was… Amane really wants to slam the door shut.
Goodbye. The only thing stopping him from carrying out the calming deed and drawing the line – the look thrown at him said itself that the reason for his current standing in front of a door for 5 minutes wasn't just for tea.
Creepy. But at least… he stepped aside, frustrated. Let him into his house.
If it weren't for school matters.
One last look. Then Sensei stepped next to him over the threshold.
The door clicked shut with a metallic click.
In the silence, the sound carried through the halls. Amane's hand left the doorknob. The cold of the metal disappeared from his skin. He waited until Sensei had taken off his shoes. Eyes fixed firmly on him. Somehow… Amane didn't trust him.
What remained was this heavy feeling that ate into his stomach.
He turned around. His steps led into the living room.
Sensei followed him. „No tea?“ he noted dryly. No answer.
Silence.
Amane walked on. Through the hallway. Into the living room.
Tsukasa was already sitting on the carpet, his fingers gliding over the wood grain of the coffee table. Actually, he had been sitting there for hours, folding. His head snapped around. A grin appeared on his face.
“Amane! There's a burglar, haha! There's a burglar! Do you think he'll rip out our livers, throw them in a pot and cook them? Spoooooky – protect me Amane!”
Tsuchigomori stopped in the doorway. For a moment, he just looked back and forth between the twins. Then he cleared his throat. „You haven't changed, Tsukasa.”
Tsukasa beamed.
“Sensei wants to eat us, Amane! Is that punishable, is it, is it?”
Sensei simply ignored the words. Instead, he turned to Amane.
“Let's sit down.“
Amane did not sit down.
His gaze bored into Sensei. Seconds passed. A sigh.
„I don't like to beat around the bush, you know?“, Tsuchigomori began and let himself fall heavily onto the sofa. „You haven't been coming to school for three weeks, Yugi. The youth welfare office has been informed. The school administration is talking about refusal to attend school.“
Silence.
Apart from Tsukasa's soft humming, nothing was heard. Was he even listening?
Probably not.
Amane clenched his hands in his trouser pockets.
„I know that… a lot has happened“, he continued more quietly. His voice had lost some of its roughness. „But you can't bury yourself in here. With him.“ A glance at Tsukasa, who was still sitting on the carpet, tilting his head slightly.
Amane shook his head. Just once.
Tsuchigomori sighed. „Very stubborn. Okay. But listen.“ He leaned forward, hands on his knees. His authority as a teacher, even here outside of school, was immeasurable.
„There is a possibility. Home schooling. Once a week, someone comes to you – or I organize materials for you. You do your assignments, I correct them.“
He said it as if it were a law.
It was.
"You don't have to go back to that school. Not if you can't. But you have to do something, Amane. Otherwise, they'll take him away from you. Do you understand?“
Tsukasa had begun to rock back and forth while sitting. Still with that grin on his face. A look where Amane doesn't really know how much he cares or if he's thinking about flying fish right now.
Amane closed his eyes. He didn't really know why. But of course he understood. Even before Tsuchigomori said those words, he had lain awake countless nights over this matter.
It was a threat. Maybe it wasn't meant as a threat, but in his ears it was one. One he couldn't possibly ignore.
He opened them again. A nod. A single, short nod.
Tsuchigomori stood up. „I'll sort it out with the school.“ He hesitated at the door. „And… Yugi.“ Quieter now. Almost only for Amane. „What happened back then – the accident – that wasn't your fault.“
Amane froze.
Then he turned around. Went to the window. Gaze outside. Back to the teacher. Back to the world.
… Tsuchigomori said something. He didn't hear it.
He heard the front door click shut.
Tsukasa tugged at his trouser leg. „What did Sensei say??“
Amane knelt down. Took his brother's face in both hands. Warm. Alive. Blind.
If only it hadn't happened..
He pressed his lips to Tsukasa's forehead.
The lights were on but it didn't reach him. They were alone. Just the two of them. In this quiet, too-big house.
Tsukasa giggled again. „Amane isn't crying! How funny!“
Amane pulled him into his arms. The familiar scent enveloped him. Safe.
And for a while, nothing else mattered.
It's not safe here
X
Home, home were we all belong, home were we can smile and dance hand in hand.
Stay with me, until morning comes, until the night sets its tears to the sky.
Home is you. You are my home.
aren't we the same?
-
(Flashback)
They were happy. Amane and Tsukasa. They love each other.
"Amane let's play a game"
They played. And played.
And played...
In the end, it was always the same.
"Let's play!"
Tsukasa laughed. His eyes sparkled excitedly as he wrapped them around Amane.
Amane let him. He let Tsukasa and also wrapped his arms around him. Breathed into his neck. A feeling of safety came over him.
Not from Tsukasa.
But because he knows that Tsukasa cannot escape. Instead of refusing, he agrees.
"What kind of game do you want?"
"The one I want? The hunter and the fox!"
He hummed.
"Amane wants it too, right!"
He didn't care. The main thing... he wins.
"After all, Amane is good at winning ~"
Silence. They were in a forest. They were just in a cage. ~Wasn't it the same?~
But now they are in the forest. It's not real. It doesn't matter if it's real or not.
It's their game. Their rules.
Amane lets go of Tsukasa. The warmth on his skin remained. ~Wasn't it cold...?~
Tsukasa lets himself be let go. Reluctantly, perhaps.
"Then run. Hide well, understood?"
His gaze meets Tsukasa's.
It wasn't an order. It had long been a fact, more than any normal saying or ordering ever could be. It is true.
They know it.
"Amane is a psychopath, hehe! Your look is so funny!"
"One..."
Tsukasa doesn't move.
"Two..."
"Hm~"
He turns around.
"three..."
Hops into the forest.
"Four..."
The shadows devour him.
"Five..."
The shadows grow larger.
"Six..."
They have devoured Tsukasa.
"Seven..."
They have devoured Tsukasa, like Amane devoured him.
"Eight..."
... Amane has Tsukasa...
"Nine..."
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry
"Ten."
When he closes his eyes, he can't open them again.
"Come out, Tsukasa."
The darkness does not answer. The forest... where have the trees gone? A step forward. Dark.
"Tsukasa come out..."
His voice echoed in the room... which room?
"Tsukasa?"
His breath became more hectic. Gasping.
Wrong wrong wrong
"Tsukasa!"
The ground spun. The air spun. Amane fell. He fell into Tsukasa's arms. Hands that grabbed him. Hands that pulled him up. Hands that pushed him down.
Which hands?
"Tsukasa, I'm serious..."
A sob escaped his throat.
"Tsukasa..."
Since when had he started crying? Since when had he started crying? Amane doesn't know. He only knows that Tsukasa isn't here. Wrong wrong wrong....
Tsukasa don't just go...
Why did I let you go?
It was his fault. He should have held him tight. Held him until everything Tsukasa knew was named Amane. Until every fiber of his skin was stained with Amane. Until every single heartbeat is Amane's, from Tsukasa onwards, and...
once he loved stars. But now the days were black, without a single star...
... that Tsukasa may belong to Amane, only him, only him...
"Don't go..."
His body trembled
"Don't hide... I - I can't..."
Look after. Find. Own. Find. Keep.
~
X.
End point.
Start.
Amane won the game. Always. Whenever it ends, it starts again. Again and again.
It's a game he can't lose because he has already lost. It's a game he can't win because there is no winner.
Let's play...
They play. It's their own game, which only they know, whose boundaries only they know, whose rules only they know -
They don't stop.
Because it always starts again.
The story knew no end because it knew no beginning. The story knew no end because it always had to return to the beginning.
X
Delivered to: Yugi Amane
Sent by: Tsuchigomori Ryuujirou
Listen, Yugi-kun.
You have less time than you think. The youth welfare office cannot allow two physically disabled children to live unsupervised under one roof forever. I know the situation was already difficult last year when you lost your parents. They only let you stay under strict conditions back then. This time, the message has to be clear, right? Finally find a guardian who is responsible for you.
Do something before they do.
Tsuchigomori Ryuujirou
---
Delivered to: Tsuchigomori Ryuujirou
Sent by: Yugi Amane
Stay out of our affairs.
We manage. You can't do anything. Otherwise, you wouldn't say it.
Yugi Amane.
X
One. Two. Three.
Some days, Amane sat next to Tsukasa and folded.
Four. Five. Six.
There was once a legend they used to love.
Seven…
If you fold 1000 paper cranes, God will grant you a wish.
Seven?
Tsukasa is blind. Amane is mute. Between them was a wall. White, cold, colorless. Once it had colors. Red, yellow, blue – purple. Primary colors, as they call it in art. ~How stupid~
But now. Now it became colorless. Sometimes, on gray, colorless days… Amane stood in front of this wall. Sometimes, in this time… he felt like he could see through it. As if one could fall through it. And if you looked up-
how high was it? Probably even birds couldn't fly over it… So why was it so empty? So damn -
Eight…
Amane folded.
Once... Once he could have answered. Always questions. Always answers. Always Tsukasa. But now... he tried. Really.
Every effort is rewarded. Repaid. So why didn't it work? Amane assumed: even his body had let him down. Was that punishment?
If so... Amane deserved it. But Tsukasa – why was he affected because of his stupid, stupid mistake? He hadn't wished for it. So... it must be the punishment.
Because of him, all alone him – he took Tsukasa away.
No…
God did not hear him. God took his voice because Amane was selfish.
Ten…
No one must ever know.
Especially
Not
Tsukasa
Tsukasa
Tsukasa
Tsukasa
….
It didn't stop.
It must
….
Where were Kaa-san and Tou-san?
Why aren't they here?
10999000000087600000
That's right. They're dead. Aren't they? They were so annoying. They were never here. Never.
Would atonement be enough?
He pushed Tsukasa in front of the car, didn't he? Why? Why? Why?
Amane lost his voice.
It wasn't enough atonement.
It was his fault.
X
“Amane, you'll never lie to me, will you?”
It must have been snowing. That day he swore to Tsukasa…
Amane, you'll never let me go, will you?
“Amane, snow looks like cotton candy!”
“Amane!”
“Amane”
He didn't know why.
A voice rushed into his head.
Lately, the voice has become loud.
Louder than Tsukasa's. Louder than his own.
Amane loves Tsukasa. He loves him. More than winter. Tsukasa only sees him. Now.
What if I end him now? Will I finally be able to have full control over us?
He shouldn't have done it.
But Tsukasa has to understand.
"Forgive me"
He could see Tsukasa's eyes widen.
As he pushed him.
With force.
...
He pushed him onto the street.
Right into the headlights.
---
Snow fell
---
And fell
---
Fell
---
He didn't fall for winter
---
"A...mane..."
He sank to his knees. Eyes wide open. His whole body trembled.
Not from the cold.
"Hehe..."
Tsukasa's giggling choked. Why is he giggling?
Blood gurgled beneath him. The snow was red.
"You're... always so..."
"AMBULANCE!"
A voice screamed hectically in the background.
Drowned out Tsukasa's voice.
Amane didn't hear it. All he heard...
was that a heartbeat?
"... Amane"
What have I done?
"It...It..."
He couldn't.
The snow beneath him stole his warmth. On the snow lay Tsukasa. Head turned.
Stared directly into his eyes.
Wells.
What if Amane had needed him in a place the moon couldn't follow?
As if they would follow him. As if a smile were carved into that face.
I'm so sorry...
X
Carry me through a river, through a night, pitch black in the water like the rotten heart of yours.
Carry me, carry me, but don't let me fall.
Fall, fall, fall
like a rotten leaf from a tree, let the wind blow your colors inside the sky.
X
It wasn't Amane. It wasn't Amane.
It can't be Amane.
Amane Yugi would never do it. It cannot have been Amane.
Liars don't deserve to be heard.
…
Amane must remain silent.
X
The flickering lights in the bathroom remind him of fireflies.
Hair covered his eyes. It didn't matter. Amane didn't move. He didn't have to… it was enough to see the red beam. Steady red dripped onto the floor.
The pain in his arm was numb.
It was for the best. For him. And Tsukasa.
Not that Tsukasa would see it. The blade in his hand clattered to the floor. He didn't have enough strength to pick it up.
Everything was fine.
It wasn't enough to stifle the screaming that had been stifled.
So it must…
When the blade lands again, Amane feels nothing.
The Flower blooms, but next winter, it won't bloom anymore.
Because the voice is louder than the pain.
If only it were quiet.
X
Tsukasa keeps smiling.
Amane can no longer see it.
He sees Tsukasa. Tsukasa will never be able to see him again. One day he will forget who Amane Yugi was. One day Amane Yugi will be forgotten.
One day…
“Hey Amane”
“Amane”
“Amane”
“Are you listening, Yugi-kun?”
“Yugi.”
Delivered to: Yugi Amane.
Sent by: Tsuchigomori Ryuujirou
Yugi.
The youth welfare office is placing you in a foster family. I cannot become your guardian. I cannot look after both of you. Tsukasa will go to a special school. A boarding school that teaches young people like him. They know much more than I do. That way you both have a chance at a future. Not just you.
I understand that it's hard to separate Tsukasa from you
It's best for both of you. You know that.
I wish you good health
Tsuchigomori Ryuujirou
~
The letter lay in the trash can. Not damaged. Not crumpled. But if you look closely, it's too quiet.
X
Making a decision was never hard.
Not even when he pushed Tsukasa in front of the car. Not even when he holds the knife in his hand. Not even when he stood right in front of the living room door.
Amane is sure it's because he didn't care. Once he thought too often about right or wrong. Once he was too afraid of getting dirty.
But now he was already dirty.
So who cares if...
Amane would have regretted it. But now all he felt was pain, pain, pain, pain
He wants to.
He doesn't care about anything else. Everything else concerns Amane. But Amane will never be able to say it. Who would listen anyway? He had long since silenced Amane. Smoothed it with a self-sharpened knife until the edges were bloody black.
Amane won't be able to stop him.
…
He stands right in front of Tsukasa. Tsukasa is sitting. He is not asleep. Instead, he is folding paper cranes… without any sign of feeling xxx. What was it?
Does he really believe Amane wouldn't do it?
He stands behind him. Without Tsukasa noticing.
Does he trust his big brother that much…
Amane promised to look after him
But now it doesn't matter anymore.
He places his palm on Tsukasa's cheek.
So warm.
The knife in his hand is ice cold.
you can still let go, Amane
Tsukasa snuggles against his palm. He knows nothing of it, nothing of the knife, nothing about Amane…
Amane is gone.
Who is standing here is Amane. Amane, who is gone. Amane, who couldn't let go. Amane, who has to take Tsukasa with him.
It is quiet. The walls do not echo. It has never been this quiet. Even Amane no longer screams. He must have finally given up, right?
He didn't know what happened. The next moment he holds the blade to Tsukasa's throat. It was as if time had forgotten to breathe. It is as if Tsukasa can feel the cold that will penetrate his skin -
Tsukasa does not cry. He does not scream. He does not react betrayed.
“Ah~”
Instead, he just cups Amane's hand.
What?
And presses.
…
With a clatter, the knife landed on the floor. A fine trail of blood marked the blade. He doesn't pay attention to it.
Tsukasa lunges for the knife. No. No. NO!
The next moment he is on top of Tsukasa. Pushing his hand down – but Tsukasa is cunning, he doesn't give in why doesn't he give in?!
The blade is still in his hand, still nearing his chest, still deadly -
He could hear his muscles screaming.
His bones rubbing against each other as he hurls the knife far, far away, grabs Tsukasa by the throat with both arms, hurls him against the wall – Tsukasa can't breathe, can he? He doesn't have to, Tsukasa isn't resisting He's okay
“Hahaa!”
A laugh cuts through the air. Choked, gurgling – Tsukasa looks at him with those eyes. His blood freezes in his veins.
“What's wrong, Amane?”
Tsukasa's voice is still so carefree. As if not – it's too late.
“Isn't that what you wanted?!”
His hand lifts. Places it on Amane's cheek. So gentle. Stop!
Found its way to his mouth.
“That's what you wanted, Amane!”
Tsukasa dug his thumb into Amane's tongue. Pressed it down… he can't move.
He can taste iron.
Fingernails dig into his skin.
Is that blood running down his cheeks? Is it tears?
“Amane wants it this way!”
Because Amane loves him… Tsukasa has to die for him – NO!
I love you
Every touch burns
I love you
Every sound tastes like poison
I love you
His heart races.
This isn't love. This can't be love. It must not be.
Too much.
Amane runs.
Amane pushes Tsukasa away.
Tsukasa is taken away from Amane.
Amane runs. Amane can't stay here.
Little fox, little fox, say, where do you want to go? Come on, come on!
The walls spin. Hands sprout from the walls and claw at his joints, they want to pull him back
But he runs because he has to get away…
Run, Amane, run
Was there a way out?
…the corridor falls, the path breaks…
he runs
If you turn around, your shadow will catch you~
He… he… the knife in his grip.
Turn in circles, round and round
It's there.
Bit him. His arm burns. Since when was he on fire?
With a loud clatter, the blade hit the floor. The blood in his arm roared, boiled him alive.
Something warm trickled down his cheeks
Whywhywhywhywhy
Why what?
…
The corridor is quiet. Amane stands in the corridor and… it's…
IDON'TKNOW!
OnlyTsukasaAmane…do you want to go to the moon? Hemustflytothemoonotherwisetsukasatsukasatsukkasa
To the moon. Tsukasa.
The moon doesn't matter.
Tsukasa.
His knees give way.
The floor falls onto him, it didn't hurt…
it doesn't hurt because it hurts here here in his chest because
IT HAS TO STOP!
He stands in the sky. He stands in front of a mirror.
Scream. The mirror was silent. It was always silent. Always looked at him. Judged. No.
No. Nonononono.... Stop! A flash. One step. Two steps. Three. His feet carried him. Stop.... Drip.
Drip. When did the mirror start crying? Those eyes. They looked at him.
It's his own tears dripping onto the mirror's face
It's your fault. It's your fault I'm mute. All because of you. He heard breaths.
Hectic, like a windstorm.
It's his own
The wind swept him away. Right in front of the mirror.
There. Cold. The glass was so cold... Get me out... No. No. No. Please! Die! Gasping.
Someone was breathing. Was it him, or was it the mirror? The wood in his grip... ah. What came then... Metal flashed. Noise. Clatter.
He swung.
Again.
The knife stabbed, hit with a disgusting clatter that ate into his ears. The glass shattered.
The reflection split. Four. Ten. Sixteen... They looked at him. Eyes wide open. Moved with him. The knife stabbed down.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Die.
Die.
WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!
The surface split.
Double. Quadruple.
With each clatter, the monster grew. He was surrounded. No... No... No! The floor lies on him. His legs refuse to carry the weight. Sharp shards bore into his knee, penetrating the fabric – straight into the flesh.
Amane wants to scream. Instead, he reaches. It burns. Red stains the glass.
The edges dig, deep, so deep that red, red, red red spurts across the floor, over the shards, dripping from his hand.
Stop!
More.
His fingers dig deep around the shard. Wells stare up at him. So dark. Deep. Deep. Deep. Fall... Just fall.
Amane sees the abyss. He must descend.
So soft. Please... let it stop. A voice whispers in his ear. Jump. Badumm... Badumm... so loud. He wants silence.
It's okay. His eyes see. He always sees. Always Always... Let it stop. It's okay. The shard in his hand is red. Completely red. So cold... He trembles. The glass trembles.
Why is it pointed at him?
Sharp. Perfect for boring through flesh. Perfect for piercing his heart.
Perfect for everything, everything, everything here and now - Sleep. Without ever having to wake up again. Amane screams for deliverance.
His voice swallows him. No one hears him except the mirror. He was nothing more than a mirror. It will end. Stop... His arm. He doesn't feel it.
It doesn't hurt. The floor is full of blood. Hands rising from the red, sliding around his wrists, holding the glass with him, trembling with him – It's no longer Amane.
It hurts. It hurts. It has to stop. It is - His eyes are empty. Who? It has to stop. A boy surrounded by glass. A boy in the glass. Keep going. No... The voice becomes more urgent. His head buzzed. Don't stop. Let it end…. Don't let it end like this. I... I…
Please… Amane drowned.
He always did. Steps through the lake. With each step, the water sloshes over. Drops... The shadows ripple.
The crunch of glass cut the air. What… The reflections danced along. The sky knew no moon. The shard in his hand dripped purple-red to the floor.
Amane clung to it, so tightly, because it was his last lifeline, a lifeline that pulled him out of the water into the depths of… depth. It must be deep. It must stop being deep.
He must go into the depths, to never look into it again.
X
(A few minutes earlier)
*** "... Amane.”
The shard fell from his hand. With a sharp clatter, it bounced off the floor. Red splashed up. Once more it jumped. Then it lay still. Finally. The sound faded between the walls that snaked through him.
Tsukasa. At the end of the hall. Amane's trembling froze. Not from shock. But from the iron wave that washed over him. As if someone had smashed a stone on him. Tsukasa… Blood dripped from his fingers.
Tsukasa stood right in front of him. Unbearably close. Unbearably far away.
But now – a sob left his throat. ~The mirror was broken. And with it, Amane broke.~ No words. No sentences. Go away…. Tsukasa. Anywhere but here. Only the inability, torn, Amane, Tsukasa and... Tsukasa. A movement cut the air. Glass rained, snow, ice – rain.
---
Badumm...Badumm...
In reality, however, Amane did not run away.
The mirror lies shattered in front of him.
The mirror is Tsukasa.
But that's not how it ended.
In reality, Amane stabbed his twin.
It wasn't only Amane's blood that dripped red.
It wasn't only his pain that he felt. It was also Tsukasa's.
It was theirs together.
---
The rain was cold. Pain, pain, go away! If only it could wash away his shell. His black colors.
Amane looook, an earthworm!
Amane! Do you see that rainbow! Amane, do you see, do you see, do you seeee? Haa, so colorful!
Hey, Amane! Why do you think the sky is crying~? Isn't it beautiful?
Amane!
When it rains, it pours.
If only the rain could carry away his burdens… if only.
---
I know how our story ends.
---
Break off. He sees Tsukasa. Tsukasa is sleeping tonight. And if Tsukasa truly forgave him… that night, Amane was alone. They should be together forever. Like rain and cloud.
"You have to go to the moon without me, Amane~" is written scrawly on the paper.
"I don't think I can go anywhere, can I? It's okay! Really!
I know a place~"
All lies. Everything. Everything…
Tsukasa must have lied to him.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have fallen asleep. Otherwise, his eyes wouldn't be empty as Amane stared at him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have let Amane kill him.
Tsukasa promised to fly to the moon with him, but now he will never be able to go there. Now he will sleep forever. Now he will go to a place where even the light of the moon can never reach him.
Amane was alone. That can't be right. They cannot be separated.
No matter where Tsukasa goes – Amane will always
follow, as long as sun and moon circle each other, as long as day and night alternate, as long as spring doesn't die, as long as morning….as long as he loves Tsukasa. They will not be separated. Never.
If Tsukasa can't go anywhere, then Amane can't either.
After all, they are twins, that's how it is, that's how it should be…
Even if Tsukasa falls, Amane falls with him.
Tsukasa will forgive him. For sure.