Chapter Text
Gao Lele was only three years old but he understood more than his Papa thought.
He knew that his Papa always give him the best that he could - a whole egg for Lele’s morning porridge, soft blue jumper that kept Lele from the cold, greyish plush wolf plushie named LangLang who always accompanies Lele everywhere, his set of 12 colors crayons Lele always use to color whenever his Papa was working.
Lele also knew that Papa ate just plain porridge because Papa gave Lele his share of the egg. Lele also knew that the blue jumper was already old and had a little hole around his armpits, and Papa always looked sad whenever he saw it and promised Lele to get him a new one once Papa got his paycheck. Lele also knew he couldn’t ask for other toys like the huge train set he saw in the mall because Papa would look sad if he asked. Lele also uses the paper to draw sparingly, because paper is ‘ex-pen-seave 'and they don’t have money to spare.
Lele knew he was a bit different from his peers in kindergarten. He was always the first to arrive and the last to go. His peers have many different shirts while Lele only has three in rotation. Lele’s crayon was very small compared to some of his peer’s 36 - 60 pcs crayons. Lele saw his peers complaining about the food they were eating, while he thought that they already had more items compared to his bento box. Lele knew they got sweets as treats often, while Papa never let him eat sweets because of their tight food budget. Lele also saw that some of his peers have strawberries almost everyday, while Lele can only have strawberries once a seven fingers time.
But Lele loves his Papa so much. So he was fine with what he had as long as he had Papa. Papa loves him, Papa said so.
He also liked his Papa’s kiss to Lele’s forehead every morning when Lele woke up, when Papa dropped Lele into the kindergarten, when Papa returned home and when Lele was going to sleep. Lele loves Papa’s hug and smile. Lele wants Papa to always smile. Papa looked sad sometimes when he stared at Lele for too long, so Lele kept hiding his face on Papa’s stomach. Papa also never scolded him too loud or hit him, unlike what he saw some of the boys in the neighbourhood get whenever they were playing naughty.
Lele loves his Papa and Lele doesn’t mind that they cannot buy strawberries all the time – he was fine with Papa and everything he gave Lele. For Lele, Papa was enough.
It has always been like that.
But ever since they accidentally meet Uncle Wenlang and Peanut by the mall’s ball pit and Uncle Wenlang moved in as their neighbour, things have changed. His Papa slowly focused more on Uncle Wenlang, becoming more silent every time Uncle Wenlang left. Sometimes Papa even ignored Lele, and Lele waited patiently until Papa realised Lele was standing beside him. Lele knew he wasn’t the only person in Papa’s mind nowadays.
Lele started to play with Huasheng. Huasheng was someone with a totally new personality around him. He was loud, confident and very brave. It was fun at first, but slowly he saw how Peanut has everything he wanted - cool clothes, cool shoes that kind light up when stepped on, the popular cartoon characters on his jackets, new toys and plushies everyday– and he started to compare his own wolf plush and 12 pcs used crayon. He saw how Uncle Wenlang pampered Huasheng so much, from getting him (and Lele whenever he was around) ice cream all the time, cutting Peanut’s food into bite size pieces, carrying Huasheng on his arm whenever the little Prince wanted to. Lele often turned to Papa, wondering whether he could ask the same thing. But Papa looked like he wasn’t paying attention, so Lele cut his own fishball and ate his greens even though it never tasted good. Papa never offered him ice cream, so Lele never asked. Papa was easily sick, so Lele knew better than to demand being carried. And he only watched as Lele saw Peanuts eating strawberries he brought to the park.
Lele started to compare himself to Huasheng and found himself lacking.
Maybe he wasn’t as cute as Huasheng. Lele was definitely less loud and brave like Huasheng. Lele couldn’t speak out his wants because Papa would look troubled when he did. He never asked, because he was never taught how to. But watching Peanut has everything he doesn’t make Lele want something more. He wants new clothes. He wants strawberries. He wants more toys. He wants Papa to carry him more. He wanted someone to cut his food for him.
The more he spent time with Peanuts, the smaller Lele felt.
And then, it happened.
He was drawing with Peanut in the living room, while Papa and Uncle Wenlang prepared for dinner that night. Peanut was coloring using Lele’s crayons. Lele saw how Peanut was using it with all the force, and using more than Lele usually allowed himself to. The red crayon quickly gets smaller and Peanut huffs. Peanut also used the drawing papers with abundance, wasting a lot of space and leaving only a single drawing paper from the drawing paper book Lele tried hard to ration.
“Your crayon is bad!” and he threw it away. It fell and broke into two pieces.
Lele couldn’t keep silent anymore. He pushed Peanut hard, and cradled the two pieces of red crayon. He only has this crayon set, he tried so hard to use it carefully but now the red color is broken. It wasn’t fair and he felt so angry. His only red crayon is broken into two.
Peanut cried out loud, surprised from being pushed by Lele. His voice called out to Uncle Wenlang, who quickly came to check.
“Huasheng? Are you alright? What happened?” Uncle Wenlang looked panicked, maybe unused to crying Peanut.
“Lele pushed me!” the little prince cried.
Uncle Wenlang turned to Lele, and Lele saw Uncle Wenlang’s eyes, ready to get mad at him. Uncle Wenlang looked like the kindergarten teacher who was ready to scold his classmates. Stern but still polite. “Lele, why did you push Huasheng?”
Lele bit his lips so no sound came out. He crunched his broken red crayon in his hands. He just looked away. And then Papa was beside him, kneeling down. Without asking what happened, without asking whether Lele was okay (just like Uncle Wenlang did to Peanut), Papa scolded him, harshly, “Lele, apologise to Peanut, now!”
He looked up to Papa in disbelief. Papa looked stern and angry at Lele.
It felt like everything crumbled around him. Papa was angry at him. Papa didn’t take his side. Papa chose Peanut over Lele. Lele was not important anymore. Papa doesn’t love Lele anymore.
Lele thought Papa loved him. But now, comparing how Uncle Wenlang cared for Peanut, Lele wondered whether Papa actually loves him. Maybe Papa didn’t like him that much. Maybe Lele was just a trouble for Papa. Maybe Papa doesn't want him around,now that he has Uncle Wenlang and Peanut. Maybe Lele was a mistake afterall. Maybe Papa thought Lele didn't deserve the good things, sweets, toys or crayons, thats why Lele never got them.
Lele looked down and started to cry. He bit his lips. Wet tears fell down, and his nose was blocked with mucus. He tried to stop crying, but it was all too much. He felt like he almost exploded. His chest hurt.
“Lele…” his Papa touched his shoulder and it made Lele flinch. He brushed his Papa’s hand away. Because of that, the two piece crayon in his hand flew and dropped onto the floor, further broken into three pieces. It scattered on the floor. Now he only has an 11 pcs crayon set. He has no red color anymore. Lele doesn’t even have a complete set crayon anymore.
Lele’s chest pained like never before.
“I hate you!” Lele screamed for the first time in his life at his Papa. If Papa doesn’t want him, he doesn't want Papa either! He could leave and let Papa have his happy life with Uncle Wenlang and Peanuts! Lele will just leave.
He quickly rose and ran with his little legs towards the bedroom. He wanted the Wolf doll now. It was the only thing he has left. He would take the doll and leave this house. He could go to Uncle Ma Heng next door instead.
He slammed the bedroom door behind him and crawled to the bed. The bed, while small, was enough for Papa and Lele. It was always a source of comfort for the little boy. But today, it felt hard and uncomfortable, but his wolf doll was there on top of the pillows. Lele climbed up and finally got it. He hugged it tight and started to cry while screaming his heart out. His chest was hurt, hurt, hurt.
Lele stopped crying after a while, but still clutching to his doll. He huffed and rubbed his face with his wet shirt. Lele started to look around to take more things to bring to Uncle Ma Heng’s place when the door was opened and Uncle Wenlang came in.
“Lele, are you okay?”
Lele looked away. He hated Uncle Wenlang for taking his Papa from him. Moreover, Lele hated Uncle Wenlang because Uncle Wenlang showed how Peanut was loved, while Lele wasn’t. Thinking about it made him want to cry again.
“Huasheng told me he broke your crayon, is that true?” Uncle Wenlang asked.
Lele looked down and nodded.
“Huasheng is sorry about that. Do you want a new set?”
Lele tilted his head. “Why?”
“Why what, Lele?”
“Why would I want a new set? I cannot have a new set. Papa doesn't have money to buy a new set. It’s okay. I will use the crayons without the red colour.”
“Lele…”
“It’s okay. I am not as good as Peanut. Papa doesn’t like me enough to get a new set. I am fine with that.”
Uncle Wenlang winced and crouched so he could see Lele eye-to-eye. Lele felt like he was in deep trouble now.
“Lele, your Papa loves you very much. I will buy you a new set, so can you stop saying your Papa doesn’t love you?”
“You don’t need to, Uncle Wenlang.” Lele looked away. Uncle Wenlang’s eyes were too sharp. “I know I am unwanted now Papa has you and Peanut. I can go and stay with Uncle Ma Heng instead.”
“Why would you want to stay with him!?” Uncle Wenlang asked in a rush.
“If Papa doesn’t want Lele, then I don’t want Papa either.” Lele challenged back. “I can go with Uncle Ma Heng so Papa can go with you.”
“Lele, can you tell me why you think your Papa doesn’t want you?”
“... Papa doesn’t ask me if I am alright. He just scolded me without asking why. You asked Peanut whether he was alright. You hug and carry Peanut without being asked. You cut Peanut’s food for him. You always buy Peanut strawberries and ice creams and toys. I never have that. I thought I was okay with it, because we are poor but now I understand Papa just doesn’t love me enough to give me what you give Peanut. So I don't think Papa will buy me new crayons. Papa just doesn’t want me anymore. I don't need a new crayon set. I can go to Uncle Ma Heng.”
As Lele finished his spiel, he looked up to see his Papa standing by the door. He looked hurt and his eyes were glassy. Lele looked away.
“I am sorry for being naughty, Papa. I will apologise to Peanut. I promise I will leave and never bother you again. You can be happy with Uncle Wenlang and Peanut.”
The next moment, Papa suddenly grabbed him from the bed and hugged Lele so tight. It has been a while since Papa hugged him like that, especially since Lele has grown big and too heavy for Papa to carry. Lele tried to push him away, but Papa sobbed and Lele stopped when he saw Papa was crying.
“Papa is sorry, Lele. Please forgive Papa.”
That made Lele cry too. He loves Papa even though Papa might not like him anymore. Lele doesn’t like seeing his Papa cry.
“Papa loves you very, very much. Papa will never not want Lele. Papa is sorry. Papa will carry you as much as you want, Papa will buy you all the crayons you want. Papa will get you as many strawberries as you want. Papa will ask you first before getting angry. Please forgive Papa? Lele is never, ever not loved. Papa loves Lele, so never leave Papa, please?”
Lele nodded, “Okay Papa, I won’t leave. Please don’t cry?”
Papa kept hugging him until Lele’s eyes dried and he fell asleep in his Papa’s arms.
“... he was such a good kid. I never knew he actually repressed himself so much like this. I am a bad mother…”
“No, Gao Tu. It's my fault for being away. I promise I will make you and Lele happy from now on.”
The adults’ voices were soft as they talked. Lele rubbed his dry eyes as he slowly woke up. He was on the bed with Mr. Wolf next to him, and saw Peanut also sleeping beside him with eyes open.
Peanut whispered, “I am sorry, Lele. I will share my red crayons with you. I will bring it next time.”
Lele just nodded sleepily.
“If you want to leave, you can come to my house. I have Daddy and Hua Yong and they will allow you to stay forever.”
Lele doesn’t know who Daddy was. “Do you mean Uncle Wenlang?”
“No, my Daddy’s name is President Sheng.” Peanut huffed. “Daddy Wenlang is my God Father.”
Lele didn't understand what God Father means, so he just nodded. “Okay Peanut. Thank you.”
Peanut grinned and took Lele’s hand and clasped it tight.. “I will take care of you, Lele. Don’t you worry.”