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“I do not know vat to do!!” Medic exclaimed frustratedly, finally breaking the silence that had laid over Engi’s workshop. He had stormed inside no more than fifteen minutes ago, red in the face and clearly vexed. The German had rifled through Engineer’s small fridge for a beer before flopping down in the bean bag Engi kept for Pyro, never speaking a word to either of the room’s inhabitants as he did.
Engineer knew better than to try to talk to the Doctor when he was angry like this. It was a hard thing for the Texan, though, he was used to solving problems, at least the practical ones, not letting them sit. But, he’d burnt his fingers enough times playing with the doctor’s fury to know better than to try and solve things the way he thought they ought to be.
Scout, however, who was laying on a pile of crates behind the doctor, didn’t know how to leave well enough alone. The runner had spent the last few minutes toying with the German’s hair, combing his finger through it and messing with the doctor’s ever present curl. At least on this occasion he somehow managed to soothe Medic more than irritate him.
When Medic had stormed in it was rather disheveled, likely due to him yanking on it in frustration like he was wont to do. But now as Engi turned around in his chair to face the man and address the issue it was back to its regular tidy appearance, aside from the small comb ridges that Scout’s fingers had left behind.
“What seems to be the matter pardner?” Engi asked softly, taking Medic's exclamation to mean that he was ready to talk. The Texan was a little nervous to hear what had the doctor in such a tizzy, it usually took quite a bit to make him this irritated. And the usual culprit had been in Engineer’s workshop all evening, watching him build the pitching machine he’d been begging for over the last few months.
“It is Herr Soldat,” Medic said, putting a hand to his face. Engi really should’ve figured that. “Recently, Fräulein Pauling told me zat from now on all of Soldier’s medication vill be bought in pill form instead of liquid, since it ez cheapah. I zought nozing of it, but now I’ve found zat I can not get ze man to take his verdammt medicine any moah.” Medic cried out in frustration before downing the last of his beer with a frown.
“Is ‘e turnin’ his nose up at it or what?” Scout asked, brows furrowed. Engi cringed slightly as he watched the runner fold his arms loosely around the doctor’s shoulders, pressing his face to Medic’s neck. When Engi was frustrated he was prone to claustrophobia and extreme sensitivity to touch, but he supposed that the German didn’t feel the same as he made no move to get out of Scout’s hold, relaxing if anything.
“Nine, it is moah along ze lines zat he is noticing ze medicine for ze first time. I vould always mix ze liquid into his vater at dinnah and he nevah minded. But today he noticed right avay. He spat out his first mouthful und dumped ze rest dovn ze drain.” Medic explained mournfully, disappointed at the failed attempt and the waste of medicine.
“Have you tried any other methods,” Engi asked as his electrical cord tail fished another beer from his fridge before passing it to the doctor.
“Yes!” Medic exclaimed, “So many! Nozing has vorked!”
“Well, why don’t we go over what yah tried and maybe Jackrabbit and I can help yah come up with some new methods.” Engi offered softly, that’s what he was good at anyway: finding solutions to strange problems.
“Vell, I tried ze vater zing und obviously it didn’t vork. After zat I tried to hide it in a scrap of ham.” Medic explained, popping the cap off his new beer with the rim of his old one.
“What, did you turn him into a dog when I wasn’t lookin’?” Engi joked with a chuckle.
“Are yah kiddin’ me, man?” Scout bit back with a playful smirk, “dat guy’s one flea away from belongin’ ina pound. I’m surprised da ham trick didn’t work.”
“Eh, now that I think about it I s’pose I see where you’re comin’ from.” Engi chuckled, smiling when he noticed that he and Scout’s banter had slightly lifted the frown that had been creasing the doctor’s face.
“Once ze ham zing flunked, I tried sticking ze pills into a spoon of peanut buttah. I had so much hope ven he put ze whole spoon full in his mouth, but zen he managed to eat all ze peanut butter und spit out all of ze pills, und on to ze floor no less!!” Medic yelled, exasperated. “I vas fed up by zat point und vent to ze first place I knew had beer,” He sighed defeatedly, raising his bottle in unenthusiastic cheers.
“Well, darn,” Engi sighed. He put a hand to his face, tapping metallic fingers against his chin in thought.
“Have yah tried shovin’ it down his throat?” Scout asked bluntly, “I’m sure fatso would hold ‘im still for yah if yah asked.”
“Scout, it ain’t nice to fat shame off the battlefield,” Engi chided gently, although the scolding was likely lost on the boy who was too busy trying to pry Medic’s fingers from around his throat. Engineer sighed tiredly at the two tussling, but still allowed Medic to give Scout his comeuppance, at least until the runner started to apologize between gasps for air.
“Alright! Enough of that!” Engi intervened, wrapping his tail around Medic’s hands like a lasso and dragging them from Scout’s neck.
“Okay! Okay! I said I’m sorry! It was just a joke,” Scout managed through gasps for air, rubbing his neck all the while.
“Oh, poor, dumb Scout, he does not know zat jokes are meant to be funny,” Medic tsked sarcastically, pinching one of the runner’s cheeks condescendingly.
Scout went completely red in the face with indignation, opening his mouth to say something in reply only to be interrupted by a warning shot from one of Engi’s sentries. It was in his shop for repairs after misfiring at the wrong team color, a swift kick being plenty for it to hack up a round in the two’s direction.
“I said, that's enough. We’re trying to solve a problem here, not make a new one,” He said in a low, yet stern tone. “Now, apologize.”
Medic and Scout went silent, no longer flinging insults, but not without scowls on both sides. Scout was the first to cave, ever impatient.
“Sorry for insultin’ yah bear,” he huffed out. Medic sighed, knowing there was no moving on until he reciprocated, “Und I am sorry for strangling you.” Engineer gave him a stern look, “und calling you shtupid.”
“There we go, that wasn’t that hard, now was it?” Engi said, nothing but pleased when the two got over the fight rather quickly, Scout going back to hanging over Medic’s shoulder and Medic letting him. “Now, where were we?”
“Oh, right,” Medic mumbled softly, “to answah your question, Scout, forcing Herr Soldat to take ze medicine everyday vould not be sustainable. Soldat is already skeptical at best of ze non-pill treatments I give him. It vould just make him more defensive if I took a forceful approach. Not to mention zat he und Heavy are finally starting to get along again after ze whole marrying-his-sister zing. I vould hate to mess zings up for mine kuschelbär.” He said thoughtfully.
“Huh, I guess dat makes sense,” Scout mumbled, going back to fixing Medic’s hair as it had been tussled slightly during their scuffle.
“Could you give it to him in a shot?” Engi spoke up, “you give him rabies shots for those pet raccoons a’ his all the time, and he doesn’t seem to mind.”
“Zat is true, however, ze medication is oral intake only. He could overdose zrough injection,” Medic replied.
“Wait, you can OD on crazy pills?” Scout asked suddenly, “I thought dat only happened with super hard drugs?”
“Yes, Scout, you can overdose on anti-psychotics, you can also overdose on vater und apple seeds if you try hard enough.” Medic, corrected gently, significantly less upset with the boy when he had a hand combing through his hair.
“For real!?” the runner asked incredulously, half expecting the doctor to say he was joking. But when he turned to see Engi nod in confirmation all he could muster was a bewildered, “man…”
“Does he still need the pills?” Engi asked, “I’d say he’s come mighty far from how he was actin’ before.”
Medic sighed, “I vish zat vas ze case, however, I can not say for sure how much of zat change vas personal growth and how much is ze aid of ze pills. He very well could go straight back to how he vas behaving ven all of us started zis job years ago.”
Just the prospect sent a shutter down Engi and Scout’s spines. When all of their contracts started Soldier was aggressive and wildly paranoid, it was only once Medic had started treating him that he was able to better manage his emotions enough to form a bond with the rest of his team.
“Well, Doc, I'm not sure what else can be done. Maybe we could make an appeal to Miss Pauling. I know she doesn't really have a say when it comes to the budget but perhaps she could get through to the administrator.” Engi offered weakly to a dejected Medic.
“Have yah tried just airplanin’ it to him,” Scout asked half joking for lack of better ideas.
“Come now boy, don’t be silly, Doc is in a real bind here,” Engi chided softly.
“Vat?” Medic asked, “Vat is zis “aeroplaning”?”
“You nevah heard a dat before?” Scout asked, totally miffed.
“Nine? Vas ist das?”
“Well, I guess it can’t hurt nothin’, to tell him” Engi sighed, “if not helpful at least it could be entertainin’.”
Scout nodded eagerly in agreement before explaining. “When I was a kid, like a lotta ‘mericans, whenevah dere was somethin’ I didn’t wanna eat my mom would air plane it tah me.”
“Hase, zat cleared up nozing,” Medic said flatly. He would’ve questioned if Scout was making a fool of him had Engi not acknowledged what he was talking about.
“Y’know, like dis,” Scout said before making a mock airplane sound, albeit poorly, as he wiggled his finger around as a stand-in for a spoon. Ending his reenactment by pressing his finger lightly to Medic’s nose, the contact startling him enough to recoil slightly.
“Und zis vorks?” Medic asked skeptically, side eyeing Scout slightly.
“I mean, it couldn’t hurt to try, right?” Engi chuckled lightly, “maybe if you make a game of it Solly’ll be less defensive about it?” He offered.
Medic sighed, reluctantly agreeing, “I suppose, ve have not come up vis anyzing better.” Medic rose to his feet, gently shrugging off Scout’s slack arms as he did. “Vell, I guess I’m off to make a fool of mine self, vish me luck,” Medic sighed, making his way to the door, waving back at Scout and Engi as they cheered him on.
After Medic collected a dose of Soldier’s medicine from his infirmary he set off to find the man in question. To Medic’s relief he located the patriot relatively easily. He was curled up on the common room couch, tucked into Heavy’s side. The tv was on but Heavy was ignoring it in favor of reading, his arm slung around Soldier’s still form. For a moment Medic was convinced that the patriot was asleep until he lifted his head in reaction to the doctor’s approach. That helmet of his really made it hard to tell sometimes.
“Hello, Doc!” Soldier barked out cheerfully as Medic came closer and maneuvered around the back of the couch. Medic waved at him in turn, pleased that Soldier seemed to be in a good mood. In lieu of a verbal greeting, Heavy craned his neck in order to give his beaux a quick kiss; Allowing Medic to rove a hand over his exposed jugular for a moment, as he so liked to do, before turning back to his book.
He was well aware of the one sided war his doctor was waging over Soldier’s new medication and was decidedly staying out of whatever new plan Medic had cooked up.
At the show of affection Soldier nudged Medic looking for a similar bit of his attention. A smile split his face when Medic pressed a brief kiss to the cold steel of his helmet.
“Do you want to join us, cupcake!?” Soldier asked with a grin.
“Vell,” Medic started, wishing he could just say yes and move on with his life, “maybe in a little vile. I vas vondering if you might vant to play a game vis me first, though, Herr Soldat.”
At the request Heavy huffed a small laugh, amused by the doctor’s new plan of action. Medic slapped him gently on the back of his head in warning, hoping his amusement wouldn’t drive Soldier away. To his relief the patriot didn’t pay the bear any heed, instead asking the question Medic knew to expect.
“Is it a war game?”
“Ja,” Medic replied, hoping that was enough to convince him.
“Okay!” Soldier said enthusiastically before slipping out of Heavy’s loose hold, eager to play. Medic motioned for him to go to the kitchen, but before he could move to follow the excitable American Heavy caught his hand. He brought it to his face for a brief kiss before telling his lover, “удачи.”
Medic blushed lightly at the affection, replying with, “danke, mine liebling,” before reluctantly pulling his hand from Heavy’s grasp and heading to the kitchen.
In the kitchen Medic searched the fridge for something to disguise the pills in. Even Soldier wasn’t dumb enough to eat them straight up by the spoonful just because Medic told him it was a game. Medic eventually fished out a yogurt cup from far in the back. It was Demo’s, his name written on the cup in bold black lettering; hence why it was tucked far in the back, away from the rest of the team’s view. It made Medic thankful to have his own fridge so that none of his teammates could do to him what he was doing to Demo right now. He’d just have to buy a replacement before the scotsman sobered up enough to notice, lest the doctor be blown up for his offense.
Medic hastily dumped the pill packet into the container before making his way over to the dining room table where Solly was sitting patiently. For as reckless as he could be the patriot was startlingly obedient upon direct command. His similarity to a well trained dog made Medic all the more bitter that his previous plans had proved a failure.
“Okay, Soldat. Aah you ready?” Medic asked softly, an edge of nervousness tinging his voice as he sat down beside Solly.
“Yes! Tell me how to win, Doc!!” Soldier replied eagerly. Medic took a deep breath, praying to the god he knew had stopped listening to him a long time ago that this would work.
“Alright, you aah leading a troop of brave American soldiers in a var. But, zey aah running low on supplies, you know, ammunitions und rations und zings. Und zis,” Medic tapped the spoon he was holding against the rim of the yogurt cup, "is ze supplies zey need to attain victory.
Zis spoon is a cargo aeroplain, und you,” Medic lightly booped Soldier on the nose with the spoon, “aah ze base ze supplies need to be delivered to.” Medic finished, thinking about how much more stupid that spiel sounded out loud then in his head. “Does zat make sense?” Medic asked timidly after Solly didn’t react right away. His face was almost completely unreadable due to the helmet that hung low over his eyes.
“Who is the enemy!?” Soldier asked, suddenly deeply invested, leaning in close to get Medic’s answer.
“Um,” Medic fumbled, caught off guard by the patriot’s sudden reignited enthusiasm. He found himself wishing that he somehow managed to talk Spy into doing this for him in disguise. Medic didn’t have a knack for coming up with lies on the spot the way the Frenchman did.
For lack of any better ideas Medic spat out the name of the enemy he hated the most, hoping it would be a good enough answer for Solly, “Nazis.” If he could spite the people who tore his home apart even in a silly made up game designed to get one of his friends to take his pills, he would. Bastards.
“I love beating up Nazis!!” Soldier exclaimed excitedly, apparently Medic had chosen well.
“Vell, zat is somezing ve can agree on,” Medic chuckled, pleased to see that the first step of his plan was successful. “Vould you like to play zen?” At the question Soldier nodded enthusiastically.
Medic took a deep breath and mentally crossed his fingers as he scooped out a spoonful of the concoction. Just because Soldier was on board with the concept didn’t guarantee that he wouldn't just spit it out immediately. He lifted the spoon and moved it closer to Soldier’s face, his stomach dropping when the patriot stopped him.
“Wait! Airplanes are supposed to make sounds!” Medic cursed internally at the correction, he had remembered the silly sound Scout had made during his demonstration and had desperately hoped that he could get away with avoiding that level of humiliation.
“Oh, right, how silly of me to forget,” Medic managed, trying to will the red that was already creeping onto his face to go away. He supposed that there was nothing left to do but suck it up to please Soldier. The things he did for his patients.
Medic did his best to replicate the sound, it wasn’t as though he had any pleasant aircraft related memories to draw on; but, it seemed to meet Soldier’s standards as he easily leaned forward and closed his mouth around the spoon. To Medic’s shock he put up no fuss and before he knew it the spoon was clean and the medicine was safely inside Solly.
Medic stilled in disbelief for a moment, not being able to believe that a method so stupidly simple actually worked. He saved his celebration for when Solly had taken all of the medicine, still thinking this was somehow too good to be true.
Medic continued to spoon feed the medicine to the American, amazed at his compliance every time. Before he knew he was scraping the sides and bottom of the cup, making sure nothing of his theft from Demo was wasted.
“You did it, Soldat!!” Medic exclaimed jovially after giving Soldier his last spoonful.
“HOOAH!!” Soldier celebrated, raising his fists in the air triumphantly. “That’ll show those bastard Nazis!!”
“Indeed it vill,” Medic agreed, all smiles, “but vinning a battle does not mean zat you’ve von ze var, you’ll have to resupply your troops again soon.”
“You mean we’ll play again?!” Soldier asked excitedly.
“Ja, how does every night after dinnah sound?” Medic proposed, all too pleased, knowing Soldier’s excitement meant he wouldn’t be fighting him on medication anymore.
Soldier nodded excitedly, lunging forward to capture the doctor in a hug and cheerfully proclaiming, “You deserve a metal doc!!” Medic couldn’t help but smile as he reciprocated Soldier’s embrace, thinking of the hand made award Soldier would likely present him with in the coming days. He had quite the extensive collection now. Many medals constructed out of bottle caps, ribbons, munitions casings and other miscellaneous odds and ends Soldier found around base. He kept them all on a cork board in his infirmary but he was sure if he tried to wear them all at once he’d look like quite the decorated war hero, and maybe to Soldier he was.
Once Soldier released Medic, facing him with a toothy grin, he restated the offer he had posed earlier. “Will you join me and Russki on the couch now!?”
“I do not see vhy not,” Medic giggled, following Soldier back into the common room once he’d disposed of the evidence of his theft in the trash and ditched the spoon in the sink to be dealt with later.
He flopped down on the couch, leaning back to rest against his lover, who’d greeted the pair with a nod of acknowledgement when they entered. Soldier followed suit, settling down in Medic’s arms, head laid upon his broad chest. Medic out a long, relieved sigh, pleased that he finally managed to get Soldier’s pills in him. He’d have to declare his astounding victory to Scout and Engineer in the morning and thank them for their assistance.
“Получилось?” Heavy hummed gently, turning away from his book briefly to press a gingerly kiss to Medic’s hair.
“Ja, it vas a great success,” Medic boasted proudly.
“Good,” Heavy stated simply as he pressed another adoring kiss to Medic’s cheek. Once again Medic felt Soldier nudge him, looking for attention like he had before. The doctor giggled amusedly before leaning down to press a kiss to the patriot’s cheek this time. Heavy acted similarly, leaning over his partner to press a delicate kiss to the flat of Soldier’s broad, stout nose before wrapping one massive arm around the both of them. Solly flashed them a broad, gleeful smile before laying his head back down on Medic’s chest.
It wasn’t long after that Soldier began to snore softly, now deeply asleep. Medic wasn’t surprised, the medicine he was prescribed usually induced drowsiness, which is why Medic administered it in the evening. They also helped the patriot sleep better and for longer; without being plagued by night terrors like he would otherwise. Medic knew he, or rather Heavy, would have to haul him back to his quarters once they themselves were ready for bed. But, it was a small price to pay for knowing that he had done right by one of his beloved patients.