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WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND

Summary:

He can almost imagine Shane’s face as the realization of what Ilya has done dawns on him. He can imagine him pacing in the tunnel, glaring at Harris who is likely hiding behind his clipboard to avoid Shane’s angry glares. Harris won’t be scared; Shane is about as scary as a kitten who hasn’t eaten yet.

The lyrics on the music video are different from the original. Ilya contacted the artist— RAYE— a couple weeks ago, asking if she could change the lyrics to fit his homosexual relationship. She was happy to help for much less than Ilya expected. He can see her sitting near the front of the ice, a smile on her face.

 

a hollanov crack fic 🤍

Notes:

this is so much different from the whump fic i'm currently writing, but i saw this guy doing a dance on instagram to this song and i decided it was 100% ilya rozanov coded and needed to write a fic with it desperately.

 

if you listen to "where is my husband" by RAYE at the same time, i promise it's worth it

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Harris!” Ilya barks into the tunnel, hoping to catch the social media manager before he could disappear somewhere. 

Harris looks up from his phone, whipping his head around to see the Russian man barreling toward him. “Ilya! What’s up?”

As he catches Harris, Ilya slings his arm across his shoulder and gives his brightest smile— the same smile he gives whenever he wants something from Harris. Based on the way Harris’ face changes, he knows Harris can see it, too.

“What do you want?”

“Shane is new to team,” Ilya starts, guiding Harris down the hall in slow steps. “And you like making videos, yes? I have perfect idea for video.”

“And Shane’s going to hate it, isn’t he?”

“Perhaps. But I am captain, and I love it. I want it, so this is for me. Now, you want to hear my idea?”

Harris looks like he’s considering declining, but Ilya knows he’s just as hungry for content as Ilya is for ice time. “Hit me.”

 


 

“Everybody, listen up!” Ilya shouts in the locker room, spreading his arms wide. “Tonight is first night you play with both best hockey players in entire league!”

The locker room roars with applause as Shane ducks his head in embarrassment, the tips of his ears brought red. Ilya grins like a mad man, pleased with his teammates and giddy to be playing with his husband. 

“For introductions, we go in order like normal,” Ilya starts with the locker is a little quieter. “But Shane… you don’t come out until Harris tells you to.”

Shane’s face falls. “What are you planning?”

“Me? Nothing,” Ilya says innocently with a little shrug. “Harris said he wants to get some good shots of you coming on ice and everybody cheering. Because he is excited to have you on team; fans excited to have you, too.”

Shane narrows his eyes a bit, then scans the faces of the other players. He knows if Ilya had planned something, he would involve other teammates. But Ilya told everyone to make sure they look away if they cannot hold a poker face. Troy, Zane, and Wyatt are the only ones giving Shane a puzzling look. Luca is trying his hardest to make it seem like he still needs to lace up his skates. 

Ilya sees the moment Shane decides to believe him. “Alright, fine. I hope it’s not like this every game. But I understand what Harris wants for this first game.”

“Yes, of course,” Ilya agrees. He nods his head as though he sympathizes with Shane’s situation. “Anyway, everyone finish dressing. We hit ice in ten!”

Ilya is almost vibrating out of his skin when they line up in the tunnel. Wyatt keeps shooting him looks, but Ilya yaps about how excited he is to be playing with his husband. 

“We will win all cups!” Ilya cheers, slapping his stick against Shane’s calves. “All!”

“Ilya!” Shane snaps, grabbing his husband’s stick. “Calm down! Save your energy for the ice, okay? And stop hitting me with your stick!”

“You would rather I hit you with different stick?” Ilya asks with a suggestive smirk. 

“Not in the tunnel!” Troy, Wyatt, and Zane shout. 

The music starts; Ilya can feel the bass rattling through his chest. It’s a good song; Bad Bunny is Ilya’s favorite artist. The team starts to go out one by one. Ilya looks at Shane, anxiety plastered over his face. 

“You will be loved,” Ilya says, pressing a kiss against Shane’s helmet. “See you on ice, yes?”

Shane nods, as Ilya steps onto the ice, basking in the applause. Ilya waves at the adoring fans, drinks their cheers like his personal brand of alcohol. 

“And there is the Ottawa captain, Ilya Rozanov!” the announcer says over the speaker system, as though anyone in that stadium wouldn’t know who he was. 

The music scratches out, the stadium going completely dark. Ilya feels his heart race. This is either going to go horribly wrong or horribly right. 

The jumbotron lights up, where Ilya is sitting by the pool with Troy and Wyatt. 

“Good party, huh?” he asks, his voice being played on the speakers. Ilya and the other Centaurs sit on the ice, watching their hours of filming come to life. Harris and his team are amazing. 

“Yeah,” Wyatt agrees over the video, pulling his shades down a bit. “This is everyone, right?”

Troy and Ilya pull their shades down a bit as well, scanning the other players splashing around in the pool or playing in the grass as the camera pulls back. It slingshots back to Ilya’s face as he looks into the camera and says, “Wait—“

The music blasts loud, the song Ilya carefully planned making the audience cheer. 

BABY! WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUSBAND?

Ilya cheers at the absolute cinema masterpiece they made. He would bet his season paycheck Rose Landry could not be a better star than he is in their makeshift music video. 

He can almost imagine Shane’s face as the realization of what Ilya has done dawns on him. He can imagine him pacing in the tunnel, glaring at Harris who is likely hiding behind his clipboard to avoid Shane’s angry glares. Harris won’t be scared; Shane is about as scary as a kitten who hasn’t eaten yet. 

The lyrics on the music video are different from the original. Ilya contacted the artist— RAYE— a couple weeks ago, asking if she could change the lyrics to fit his homosexual relationship. She was happy to help for much less than Ilya expected. He can see her sitting near the front of the ice, a smile on her face. 

The video features the Centaurs attempting to help Ilya find Shane. He doesn’t know how he got all the shots of Shane just disappearing around the corner or going through a locked door. It gives the appearance that he’s a ghost, a hallucination in Ilya’s mind. There a shot of Ilya in the locker room, head in his hands as the Centaurs crowd around him, listening to him explain nonsense- but according to the song, what he's looking for in his husband. 

"THIS MAN IS TESTING ME"

The scene cuts to the rest of the team pretending to be exhausted on the ice as Ilya rants, once again about nothing in particular, but according to the lyrics, the whereabouts of his husband. The scenes change rapidly, all Ilya pretending to be completely heartbroken.

The ending is coming, and it’s Ilya’s favorite part of the video. Of course Yuna and David were more than happy to help make his video. He walks up to their house, any identifying objects and numbers hidden from the camera. 

They both look at him, then the camera pans until they’re looking into the lens. The screen cuts off, covering the stadium in darkness, as their voices say “Your husband is coming.”

The paper in the tunnel had been replaced, torn open again as Shane skates onto the ice with vigor. He does a full lap around the stadium— the music drowned out by the deafening roar of the crowd. Shane skates up to Ilya, punching him lightly as the music finishes. 

WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?

“I can’t believe you did that,” Shane says as the team huddles around the two of them. “I couldn’t see the video, but Harris told me about it. You’re terrible.”

“It was a good video,” Ilya grins. “Too bad you are not in it.”

“You got my parents to do this!”

“Yes. Yuna and David were very happy to help.”

“We’re glad you’re here, Hollander,” Wyatt says, hip checking Shane. “Now, let’s go play some hockey.”

“You all better beat them,” Shane says, looking at everyone as they skate to their bench. “Don’t embarrass me.”

Ilya scoffs, almost offended by the idea. He pulls Shane in close, their noses almost touching. “Against Montreal? Never.”

Notes:

afterwards, harris posts the video- with the cut of shane skating his entrance- and the video gets over 100M views. ilya doesn't shut up about it for six months.

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