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They were beautiful. They cascaded down this back and could reach down to the floor if he let them droop down. They weren't the softest of feathers considering he hardly took proper care of them. They started off white from the root and turned into a black at the tips of each feather,the blacked coloring was freckled all over his wings. They were long, longer than an other avian he had seen- but then again he had only seen a handful in his lifetime. They were such beautiful wings, but he just couldn't recognize that.
Ze was raised to hate his wings or anything regarding his avian nature. All avians have large back wings, as well as small wings onthe side of their heads. Males have a secondary pair below their main wings to help improve flight and make themselves appear bigger, while females lack that trait they have large feathers that surround their chest/necks. Those feathers are soft,downy ones that are optimal for letting their chick rest on after their feeding. For avians nudity is not a taboo, infact it is seen as pure- not as something that should be hidden more as something that should be respected and admired. Avians who roam in populated urban areas that mostly consist of humans will adapt to their rules and revert back to their own habits at home or back on their homeland. It is quite uncommon for avians to be raised in human populated areas and travel there when they become of age, but mostly they stick to their mountain homelands.
Ze was never taught this, didnt even interact with avians when he did see them. His father held grudges, he was pretty good at it too considering he pasted down his resentment from his wife to him. Ze did not remember anything about his mom, not the way her voice sounded nor the way she made him feel. She had left him. Or so he was told- Ze wasn't too keen on believing what his father told him too often, but no matter. Either way he had no memory of her or anything to remember her by other than the wings she had bestowed upon him.
He grew up in the suburbs, in an all human area. Everyone there was a human and if they weren't they hid it. His father forced him to remove the wings on the side of his head as he got older, since he had gained better control of them and hiding them underneath a hat no longer worked. His school did not cover avian history unlike urban areas- which having an avian neighbor was common, and disregarded the hatred most humans had for them. They simply pretended as if they didn't exist.
Ze was punished for letting out chirps or coos when he was happy, a natural response. He had gotten his head wings surgically removed and adding the removal of his vocal cords was the next step. The doctor highly recommended against it, saying it had a low success rate and might get rid of his speaking all together- so his father opted to simply make the noise dimmer. Sure he could still chirp but it would hurt if he went any higher than a loud whisper. His father did not remove his secondary wings even if they were small, he had known that they were reserved for males and would die before having his son anything similar to a girl. You can only imagine his response to seeing his daughters practicing makeup on Ze.
All that to say, he kept his wings hidden from everyone, even himself.
Every morning he would wake up early before Moe and ReGect before either on of them woke up, just to make sure he could be caught off guard by their surprise visits. He forced ReGect to connect a bathroom to his room specifically so he could bind his wings together in the mornings. He would take long black cloth and wrap one on top of this wing and then one at the bottoms, he took another long cloth and strapped his wings to his back. Securing it around his chest to make sure he would accidentally reveal them. At night he would lock his door and let his wings free, taking off his binds and lightly brushing his fingers through his feathers. He never knew how to properly preen them but he deemed it good enough, he washed them throughly whenever he showered so they wouldn't get grimy.
He hated them. But they were his.
Until they weren't.
15 days he had been in the hole. He had constant nightmares every night he slept, old memories of his classmates finding out his avian background and tugging at his wings. Or ReGect and Moe finding out and rejecting him completely, shunning him. He would wake up in cold sweats and occasionally tears drying on his face. The third night he woke up screaming, ReGect ran to his room and comforted him- they woke up in each others arms the morning. He had gotten close with ReGect- no, not ReGect. Not the real one at least, the eyes sent him there, he wondered why he didn't send Moe- she was the closest room to him.
When he got out of the hole it was a blur, destroying the house and having to stay over at Wakafonte's. Surprisingly his house was pretty big, he even got his own room. No connected bathroom though. It's fine, he would just have to be sneaky about it. After the long day of moving in he snuck into the bathroom, he felt lighter- probably from the relief of finally being free from the eyes. He lazily took off his sweater and tank top somewhat annoyed at his routine that couldnt be broken. He reached back to untie the cloth around his wings and felt nothing.
A visceral scream echoed through the house.
He choked on his sobs as he felt around frantically on his back looking for anything. His throat burned at the sudden use of his vocal cords, which is funny considering he didn't even know he was making a noise. His nails dug deep into his back, scratching away at his flesh as if it would bring his wings back. This throat ached whether it was from overusing his already sensitive vocal cords or from the sobs that suffocated him.
He didn't hear the screams on the side of the door nor the hard, pounding fist that banged agaisnt it.
Hot tear burned his eyes, making it impossible to keep them open, he felt his skin wrinkle as he squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know when he got onto the floor but he knew his knees hurt from the impact. His stomach hurt, it felt as if it was twisting from pain- as if someone had opened him up just to play with his organs.
The only thing that snapped him out of his state was an annoying entity who broke down the door. The loud sound of the hard, wood door slamming against the cold,tile bathroom floor made him recoil in fear. Cautious hands, or claws, dared to grab his arm. Even the sensation of his claws ghosting themselves against his prickled skin made him dart back, back hitting the wall. The ringing in his ears subsided and he could hear his crying induced hiccups and the sobs that left his lungs. He yelled out anything he could mange, which he believed was something along the lines of "don't look at me" or "leave", he wasn't too sure if it was one or the other. The tears in his eyes blinded him from seeing their reactions, he pulled alway as soon as someone put their hands on him- nobody was going to see him without his wings.
He suddenly felt naked, well thats half true. His whole upper half was exposed, his face was already flushed because of his crying and screaming but now it was of embarrassment. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, tighetning his grip as he placed his head into his knees. His sobs quieted quickly, choking out more "leave" and "just go away." He didn't like being under a spotlight like this, especially not by people he respected, his breathing pick up again. Shit, they're going to think he's so immature, screaming and cruing like a child having a tantrum. He felt a gently touch, Moe quietly honked but his brain was too mushed to even understand it. They left him there for privacy, even if the door was still laying on the floor.
He frantically put on his sweater, the soft fabric slipping through his fingers as he pulled it over his head. The fabric stuck to his body from his sweating, he lifted himself up with his palms, feeling the cool, hard tile. He barely remembered walking out of the bathroom, or the light tapping of his feet hitting the hard ground, or the light that burned into his retinas that he left on in the bathroom. All he heard was the blood rushing to his ears and the loud thumping of his heart, his body limply swayed as he walked to his room, he dissociated so much he didn't hear the click of the door behind him- or the entity who walked behind him
Slowly, two clawed hands slithered their way up around his waist, his fingers wrinkling the fabric of his hoodie as he hugged his body closer to his own. He nuzzled his face into his neck, "Ze, let's lay down, okay?" His only response to that was him walking I over to his bed, moving the thick comforter and taking his long pillow and hugging it as he laid down. He dug his head into the soft pillow, hearing the rustle of it as he further shoved his face into it. The bed creaked as the entity sat down beside him, tugging at his sleeve, "come here." Reluctantly he did, turning over to see the entity looking down at him, he felt his sharp claws graze against his forehead to brush away the strands of hair that clung to his sweaty skin. He closed his eyes and moved his head more into the pillow beneath him, he heard hushed whispering and the sound of his door opening. Light jingling of bells alerted him that Moe was coming in, more hushed whispering that he couldn't care enough to decipher and then Moe's soft finger pad rubbing against his cheek. He honked softly that he, again, could not be bothered to decipher, she muttered something about her worry for him- he didn't want to be pitied. he felt Moe's stare burn holes into him, she bent down and placed a kiss to his cheek and left the two alone.
He felt the weight shift in the bed, an arm snaking beneath him and pulling him closer into the other's chest, the entity's face nuzzled in his hair. The entity ran his claws up and down his back gently, making sure to not snag them on the fabric of his hoodie. They laid like that until the morning, the only one getting sleep being ReGect- although Ze knew he had gotten more sleep than he would have if he was alone. Carefully Ze lifted the entity's arm over his head to free himself from his grasp, softly walking on the hard wood floors to the bathroom. The door clicked softly as he closed it, flicking on the lights, the buzzing of the lights filled the room as he looked at himself in the mirror. He reached to his sides to pull off his sweater, slowly lifting it off of himself and tossing it haphazardly to the ground. He placed his hands on either side of the porcelain sink and stared hard into the mirror to find any remnants of himself left.
His hand shook as he reached to his back, he gasped at the rough texture of his fresh scars. He felt the grooves and dips of each scar, mapping out the image in his head. His weight felt disproportionate when he walked from the lack of weight on his back, he turned to the side and look at himself in the mirror. He couldn't feel a single thing, not despair, or anger, or even remorse for not appreciating his wings when he had them. He felt, simply nothing.
He turned on the water and cupped his hands to collect it, splashing it all over his face to snap out of it. How could he tell ReGect and Moe what happened if they never knew he had wings in the first place, he didn't want to add more to their problem with the eyes.
He was going to carry this burden alone. How would anyone know anyways?