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After the conversation they had that terrible day at the Institute, Magnus didn’t even imagine it could be like this.
It was close to midnight and the moon was hiding behind grey clouds, and the wind was blowing and making the threes around them dance to some silent song that only nature itself could hear. The streets were empty on this Tuesday night in which only the demons and those who fought against them were awake.
Could he be considered a demon? Or someone who defeated them?
After so many centuries, Magnus didn’t care for the answer. Demon or not, he was also fighting them.
In such a perfect moment it was hard for Magnus not to fall. After what happened between them and seeing the doubt paint the green in Alec’s eyes to grey, he told himself that maybe he was expecting too much. That he was playing a game that he was sure to lose. Not against Alec, but against time and certain bad luck.
All the nights that came after that one, Magnus spent his time thinking and thinking. He was not stepping back now, but he shouldn’t be taking more steps ahead, either.
But god knows how Magnus could be weak.
And Alec was turning to him with a huge smile on his face, multiple scratches on his skin; he was talking long and loudly about something, and that was something Alec never did. He was talking. And he was showing Magnus what could possibly be the sincerest of his smiles.
How could he not fall for him this way? He wasn’t given a chance against this.
Here and there, Alec will pull him close by the waist, to kiss him long and warm, to smile against his own lips. To whisper his name between every graze of their mouths. It was almost unrealistic, how suddenly everything seemed to fall into place and work without a sweat. This was happening, and it felt right.
“Will you be free this Saturday?” Alec asked casually taking his hand. The Institute wasn’t that far ahead anymore.
Magnus thought about it. About how much time he’ll have to wait until then, about how maybe their plans would be torn apart by Valentine and his followers. Because lately nothing was certain, not even the most simple of them all.
“I think I will,” Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand and looked up at him, “why? Do you have any plans, Alexander?”
That precious and crinkly-eyed smile of his appeared on his face once again.
“I was just thinking that maybe we could go out that day,” Alec explained. Maybe some of his shyness was gone, but he still seemed nervous around Magnus. “I know this is not the best time, but I-”
Magnus laughed a little, his voice filling the silence with echo.
When was the last time Magnus felt this way? Did he ever feel this way, anyways? It was like being an inexperienced teenager again, trying to figure out many things by mere practice. It has been way too long since the last time Magnus felt like a fool.
But it was a great feeling. He convinced himself that it was.
He couldn’t really say that he was already in love, but he was willing to give his heart away. And just that fact made him want to drop everything, do the wrong thing and run away forever, Alexander in one hand, his freedom in another. When Alec stared at him, half scared and half hopeful, Magnus wanted everything with him, even if it wasn’t the right thing to do.
It was this feeling of wanting to be reckless. The good kind of reckless. There was a word to describe how exactly he was feeling, and it was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t find it.
“It’s okay. We’ll work things out,” Magnus said taking a deep breath and looking away from Alec. He needed to concentrate to pick the best words. “Looking for a moment to take a breath it’s not a sin, Alexander.”
His face lit up in a flushed smile.
“You’re right.”
Wild. That was it. Alexander Lightwood was driving him wild.
All these crazy ideas of eloping and running away from the impending war that was ahead of them were things that Magnus would’ve never consider to do with anyone but himself, and yet here he was, wanting to save a shadowhunter from doing what was considered his sacred duty.
Alec was this thing poking in the back of his mind constantly and at the worst moments. Appearing like white noise in unexplainable ways, and even then he wanted to keep him there, even if some of those times it hurt more than it helped. Magnus sometimes found himself laughing at the way his heart beat just by thinking about him; that anxious feeling that kept him up at night.
“Make sure you take care of those scratches, Alexander. Don’t want your lovely mother going around saying I don’t take care of you,” Magnus was joking, mostly out of nerves, when they finally reached the Institute’s gates. There was absolutely no light around them, as if there was some kind of blackout.
They had a little encounter with a demon after going around looking for clues to find Jace, and Alec’s face didn’t got out of that unharmed. He said it was okay and that Magnus didn’t need to heal him, so he didn’t insist.
“Don’t worry about that,” Alec whispered, his voice going deep and his hands finding Magnus’ face in the dark to pull him close again.
Just the graze of his skin made the itching need appear again; all these ideas circling again and forming in the back of his mind, begging him to do something about it.
Alec made his heart shake and bend and break, all at the same time. Because this was an incredible feeling that in the end could have the strength to destroy him. Just the mere idea of not seeing him coming back was terrible enough for Magnus to handle it.
How many more times he will have only scratches? Or an injury that an iratze could easily take care of? It was the uncertainty of it all mixed with the doubts that he already had on the other things that also haunted them.
But he couldn’t turn away. There was no way of going back now, not when he was deep into his spell. How ironic for a warlock to be in such awe of a shadowhunter. He could see his peers laughing at him while sipping wine.
Alec kissed him with care, slow and calculated. This wasn’t like the kiss at the wedding, which was a rushed statement of not only his feelings, but his true self coming out in the open. This kiss was just for them and no one else. Because now they were alone and there was no one to prove anything to.
He felt his thumb caressing his cheek and the beat of his heart under Magnus’ hand, where he held himself from Alec’s shirt. Sweet music playing in his chest just for Magnus to hear.
It was driving him wild. But this wasn’t the moment to go crazy.
“Goodnight, Magnus,” Alec said between his lips. And just like that he turned and walked to the door. A last smile and Alec was safe at the Institute.
Magnus didn’t know exactly was this feeling was, he just knew that it hurt. But that without a doubt it was still good.