Chapter Text
Soft footsteps paced the floor of Ragatha’s room, the living doll rubbing his hands together nervously. He’d been up all night, or the equivalent to night, moving between sitting at his vanity pulling at his hair as he stressed, or walking the length of the bedroom so much he was sure he must be wearing a ditch in it by now.
He’d made a choice, weeks ago now, that he wanted to tell the other performers about who he was. He played the conversation out in his head so many times. Went through the script for what he would say over and over. The doll thought it would be best to just.. Say it when the group was all together, rip the bandaid off entirely and suffer through the possible slew of questions after. But wherever the opportunity seemed to arise, he ended up tongue tied. The others would stare at him, some with expectant looks, some with disinterest, and it always made him fumble out nonsense before apologizing and excusing himself to hide from his embarrassment.
He wasn’t entirely sure what made him so afraid. It wasn’t as if the Circus lacked any queer folk, and they’d all been accepting. But now that it was him, now that it was Ragatha that was faced with telling everybody this, and after so many years, he was at a loss. He hadn’t even told the others he’d liked women. How was he expected to tell them he wasn’t one?
He slammed his head down on the vanity with a groan. Maybe he had to think of a different way to go about this. Maybe telling the whole group at once wasn’t the best thing to do. It was too much. Too many eyes, with too much judgement behind each pair, and too much emotion for him to handle at once. Maybe he should start small. Just tell one person. If only one person knew, then surely the backlash couldn’t be that harsh, right? He just had to decide who to tell first, and started going down the mental list.
Jax was an obvious out. Even if Ragatha could get the rabbit to spend one millisecond having an actual, serious conversation with him, he was certain Jax would only ridicule him. Or at the very least react in some way that would only send the doll into a flustered spiral, like he always did. He could almost hear it…
”Tch, c’mon, Raggy, get serious. You’re not tough enough to be a boy.”
”Hate to break it to ya, Dollface, but men don’t dress like that.”
”Yeah, sure, you’re a guy, and I’m a sparkly unicorn with wings.”
Ragatha shook his head. No, Jax was probably the last human he would tell.
He briefly considered Kinger. Of course, the man was never really lucid, so he wasn’t sure he’d fully understand what Ragatha was even telling him. But the doll had always found some comfort in talking to Kinger, even long after he’d lost his mind. The familiarity was nice, and he was always kind, even if most of it was bathed in ignorance nowadays. Ragatha messed with the hem of one of his dress sleeves, heavily weighing the option. Kinger was easy to talk to, easy to be around, easy to feel safe with, but deep down he knew the chess piece couldn’t provide any real advice on the matter. Ragatha sighed, wringing his hands. He would keep Kinger in mind, just in case, but decided that would not be his first choice.
Standing from the vanity, he trudged over to his bedroom door and walked out into the Circus halls, hoping the brighter and livelier atmosphere would help his thoughts.
Gangle? Gangle was always very sweet. It was safe to assume she’d have at least a level headed reaction to the idea. And Ragatha had seen some of the things she’d drawn, so surely there would be no harsh judgement. But… Oh, they never really talked much, did they? The more he mulled it over, the less it felt like a good idea. They were hardly friends, he assumed, it would be weird if he pulled her aside and dropped something like that on her. And what if she never spoke to him again? He balled up some of the fabric of his dress in his hands. No, he decided, it wouldn’t be right to burden Gangle with this first. That would be selfish. The girl already had so much going on.
There was Pomni. He was.. fairly certain he and Pomni were friends. She had come to check up on him more than once over the last few weeks. She was always patient, and kind, and their relationship had improved since the award show. He had no reason not to trust her, but some nagging feeling in the back of his mind still buzzed. Their relationship had only truly started getting better. They’d had a long conversation about their feelings, things that had been bothering them, and they had left it ready to begin anew with each other. Ragatha wasn’t sure this newfound discovery in himself was appropriate to share. What if it ruined things?
His eye locked to his feet, and a bubble of anxious doubt in his stomach popped. Maybe he should keep this to himself. Maybe coming out was a selfish endeavor. It was selfish, to disregard everyone’s comfort for his own. The fact he’d even considered doing it was wrong, wasn’t it? He was a terrible friend. He wasn’t supposed to burden anybody with his stupid, awful, disgusting-
Ragatha’s train of thought was broken when he bumped into someone. There was a sharp cartoonish bleep and they both stumbled, and he looked up to see Zooble, grumbling slightly and rubbing the longer side of their head.
“O-Oh! Zooble! I’m sorry, I didn’t see-”
“Don’t worry about it.” They waved their hand dismissively, and the doll rubbed the back of his hand.
He cast his eye downward again as they moved around him, and it took longer than it probably should have for the thought to finally hit. Zooble. “Uh, h-hey, wait up!” He quickly turned, rushing to catch up with the other, even though they weren’t really that far ahead. “Zooble!” The toy stopped, looking back at him with a bored expression and a raised eyebrow.
“What?”
“I-uh. I wanted to-uhm. Y-...Hey.” He gave them a smile, and a small wave. “How-uh-How are you?”
They squinted at him, arms crossed over their polka dot chest. “Uh… Fine? I guess.” There was a beat of silence. Ragatha scratched his neck. “Do you, like… want something?” They eventually asked.
“N-No! I mean-yes? Or.. kind of? Uuh…” He fidgetted with his hands, swallowing a lump. “I was wondering if we could, uhm.. T-talk?”
Zooble looked him up and down, and for a moment he felt like a helpless bunny being stared down by a hungry fox. Then they went to turn. “I’m not really in the mood for-”
“Please!” The doll suddenly grabbed their claw shaped hand, in an act that surprised both of them. He immediately let go. “S-Sorry. It’s just-It’s important. Really important, a-and I don’t think I can talk to the others about it yet. Please?”
There was a second, long pause where Zooble continued to stare at him, and Ragatha swore he could feel a heart pounding in his chest. The silence felt like ages. Just as doubt started clouding in his mind, and he debated making a run for it, Zooble sighed.
“Fine, whatever, just make it fast.”
His eye lit up as Zooble made a turn to enter their room. “Oh, thank you, Zooble!” He chirped as he followed behind. “Really, this means a lot! I know we don’t usually have a lot of one on one talks, so this is-”
“Ragatha.” The tinker toy cut her off. “Get to the point before I change my mind.”
“O-Of course! Sorry.” He shrunk in on himself a little, watching as Zooble plopped onto their bed.
It wasn’t until then Ragatha realized he’d never really seen Zooble’s room before. The walls were covered in colourful shapes, there was a big box full of their parts underneath three large mirrors that hung on the wall adjacent to the door, miscellaneous blocks were piled near the corners, though he suspected that was something Caine gave all of them, and their bed was pushed up against the left wall. A vanity bench with a gaudy yellow cushion stood at the foot of it. Ragatha hummed to himself a moment, just staring. Feeling eyes on him, he snapped his attention to Zooble, who gave him a questioning stare. Silently telling him to get on with it.
“Uhm, I, uh… Th-This is gonna sound. Weird.” He laughed a little, the anxious nerves creeping up from his stomach and into his throat. “B-But I’ve been, uh, thinking? A lot. About… myself?” That was a good start, right? He shifted on his feet. “I… You know. I’ve been here a.. Long time. A-And I don’t… I mean, I try not to complain. But, I think. I-I think I’m… I don’t really like… myself. I don’t like… my body?”
Zooble raised an eyebrow, and Ragatha felt a prickle on the back of his neck. “Uh… Really?” They seemed unsure of what to say more than anything. You’ve made them uncomfortable. “I mean, no offense Ragatha, but your body is pretty… normal.”
A red flush came to the doll's face. “Oh-n-no I know that!” He stumbled over his words. “Or-Sorry-I didn’t mean. I, y-yes, I guess I… lucked out. Better than some others….” He trailed off for a moment, trying to itch away the feelings of pins in his body. “I-I just meant that I. I don’t…” It was hard to look Zooble in the eyes, afraid he’d offended them. “It’s just not. M-Me? If that.. Does that make sense?”
“I don’t really think these bodies are any of us…” They sounded so solemn. Now you’re upsetting them.
“O-Oh, yeah, no, of.. Of course not. I just… I mean…” Ragatha glanced around the room, aiming to look at anything except Zooble themself. His eyes settled on his own reflection, and he felt a pit where his stomach would be. “I don’t…”
He heard Zooble sigh. “Look, Ragatha, I get it. If you’re insecure about this.. Form you got stuck in. But it’s…” They hesitated, debating on what to say. “I-It’s.. Pretty? I don’t know.”
His shoulder tensed.
“I…” Ragatha pulled his hands towards his chest. “I don’t want to be….” His reflection almost mocked the visible stress in his eye.
Don’t want to be what? Pretty? What you should be? What you’re meant to be?
“Uuuh. You still with me?”
The hand on his shoulder made him jump, and Ragatha pulled his vision from the reflection to Zooble. He hadn’t even noticed them get up. His hands shook as he met their eyes, tears brimming and threatening to fall.
“Z-Zooble I don’t.. I don’t want to be a girl…”
The statement hung in the air as Zooble took a small step back, and Ragatha lowered his head, suddenly filled with an indescribable shame. Neither seemed to know what to say, but the longer it was quiet the thicker the air felt. Something akin to a pressure pressed on Ragatha’s chest. A part of him was saying to run. Run and hide. As if he was about to face an all too familiar wrath. While the other warned him not to move. Running would make it worse, and maybe if he stayed completely still whatever was about to come wouldn’t hurt as much. He was braced for insults and the yelling. Like what his mother used to do whenever he complained about the dresses she would make him wear. He’d always wanted to wear a nice suit instead, like his brothers, but…
”No daughter of mine is going to look like a-”
“That’s okay.”
“H-Huh?!” His head shot back up, meeting an unexpected sympathetic gaze.
Zooble shrugged their shoulders. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
The question buzzed in his mind, and he could find a thousand answers. It’s wrong of me. I’m far too old. It’s childish. I shouldn’t be like this. It means I’m bad. I’m gross. I’m broken. I’m- “I’m… I-I don’t know…” He eventually mumbled in response, wiping the tears that had started streaming down his face.
The mix and match sighed, leading Ragatha to their bed surprisingly gently, and letting him sit beside them. “Look, I know it’s.. It can be a lot.” They rubbed the back of their triangle head. “But… Everyone here is cool. I mean, they all accepted me. Even if Jax is an [@#$!], he’ll at least get your pronouns right.” They said it like a half joke, but Ragatha’s stare was locked on his shoes. “Maybe we.. can’t do anything about… the dress, or the bow, or.. Anything, but if you want to change what we call you… I mean, I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ll respect it.”
He pursed his lips. “...I’m scared. Of telling the others. W-What if they get upset? What if they don’t want me around anymore? I feel like I already…” He trailed off, like he realized to was saying too much, and went quiet.
“Well, you were brave enough to tell me.” The statement got a small laugh. “Do you.. Want to tell everyone else?”
Ragatha hummed, giving the slightest nod, and nearly jumped at the supportive hand on his back.
“Then I’ll support you. And if anyone gives you [@#$!] I’ll kick their [@#$!]. Okay?”
The doll stared at Zooble for a moment, studying how genuine their eyes were, before finally cracking a real smile for the first time in a long time.
“Thank you, Zooble. Really.”
“Yeah, don’t mention it.”