Chapter Text
Waiting in line at Fugly Bobs, no apostrophe, was not a glamorous affair. You had to endure the restaurant's mildly toxic aroma, plus whatever putrescent odors the customers, no, pigs dragged along with them as well on their path to their next serving of slop straight from The Sloppy Joe himself.
It gave me shudders to even think about it.
Yet, at the same time, there were several factors that made Fugly Bobs, no apostrophe, the perfect choice for my first crime. It was a low priority location for everyone, Protectorate Heroes, New Wave, ABB… Empire. No one was particularly chuffed over this place. It didn't make a ton of money, it had a wide clientele, and a reputation something akin to the American Waffle House if it was a hog trough. The kind of place where the cook would punch you out for being an asshole and even fellow gang members would mock you for it.
It was also uniquely gross. I had to mentally remind myself that it was a positive, but I'd never quite gotten over my extreme bias against the place.
Fugly Bobs, no apostrophe, was a uniquely silly, terrible name. It made my lip curl in disgust, but this silly factor was exactly the kind of thing I was hoping to piggyback off of. I checked over my outfit behind the foul smelling dumpster of the restaurant's alleyway.
It wasn't much of a debut outfit. My jeans had seen better days, and the boots I'd stolen were a little too big for my feet, so I was wearing multiple pairs of socks. I had a black balaclava freshly pick-pocketed from the local Home Depot, and it was shockingly difficult to get the plastic thingies out of it without poking a hole in it or something, at least until I stole some fingernail clippers.
Of course, black mask and boots with blue jeans made me look like a thug, which in a literal sense, I was, but that's where the rest of the outfit came in. I had a slightly tight red Flamenco Senorita costume lifted from the dark interior of the local Spirit Halloween with a matching black hat with the cute little danglies on it. It felt so weird wearing a Spanish costume as an Asian girl, but well, beggars couldn't be choosers. The Flamenco mask was very obviously a different shade of red than the hat and dress, but whatever. I looked like a particularly lazy trick-or-treater, but I could make it work.
It's not like I was shooting for intimidation.
I took a deep breath. There was no coming back from this. Even knowing I couldn't be a hero, and even knowing I wasn't out to hurt anyone, it was still nerve wracking. I felt a lot safer hiding behind dumpsters than walking around where other people could see me, judge me, and stake me out. Public appearances always made me nervous, but I wasn't worth anything on my own and I knew that.
The Public was a dangerous animal, but they were also my shield. Or, they would be, assuming I did this right.
I walked out of the alleyway, letting myself hide behind the costume. I could feel the eyes of people on the street on me, digging into my skin, but I didn't let them get to me. I held my head high and walked into Fugly Bobs, no apostrophe.
Some people, wisely, noticed my stupid getup and kept their distance. Others, more important and simultaneously dumber, pulled out their phones to snap photos. No going back, only forward.
I went up to the push doors, grabbed the handle, and pulled. I could hear a snicker behind me, and reminded myself that this was very intentional. I still felt my face burning in shame at the sensation of mockery, but it was something I should get used to. After spending a moment to play act realizing I was using the door wrong, I looked left and right as though to check and make sure no one saw that, I opened the door, my little flamenco jinglies brushing against the door. All the eyes were on me as I stepped in. Step one complete.
I found it impossible not to shrink in a little at all the attention I was getting, but in a cape world, it made sense.
And I was a cape now.
Instead of going straight for the register, I did something unexpected. I got tin the back of the line. I thought long and hard about it, but as unpleasant as it was, it was the right choice. People didn't know if I was a hero or a villain yet. Doubtlessly, someone would call the PRT, but I was confident enough in my powers that I could get away from them if I had to. Plus, this did a lot to establish that I wasn't that dangerous.
What kind of real villain waits in line at a place they're about to rob.
What I hadn't anticipated, however, was that someone might want to talk to me. About two people from the front of the line, I heard a voice speak up to my left.
"H-Hey, are you a cape?"
I looked over the man. He was an adult, probably 59 or something. He was a good looking guy who looked like he worked out a lot. White, probably a dad. The kind of guy who didn't look like he spent his free time updating wikis.
I put on my haughtiest voice as I answered him.
"That depends on who's asking!"
"Uh, I'm Jake." Jake answered.
"And who are you, Jake?"
"Me?"
"Yes! You don't expect me to give out my name to just anyone, do you?"
Jake didn't look like he knew how to process my request. Good, he was off balance. Now that there was a scene, I wanted to make sure I had control over the situation. I looked around, letting my arrogant posture fold in on itself.
"N-not that there's anything wrong with being a regular Joe, er, Jake or anything! I would never be so crass as to discriminate in such a lowly way. Just because you are not my equal doesn't imply that any cape out there is. I'm one of a kind, after all!"
Being confident was hard, but wearing the mask made everything just that little bit easier. Thankfully, my eccentric explanation seemed to please him as he relaxed a bit.
"Well, I work as a security consultant. Me and my wife Adeline have three kids, and I'm a Little League coach in my spare time."
Gross. Sports? I swallowed my distaste and gave him an arrogant smile.
"A humble man, are you? Well, you shall have to wait like all of your peers to see me in action!"
"Are you a hero?"
"Does the sun rise in the west?"
A girl at a table next to the wall frowned.
"I thought the sun rose in the east?"
I sputter. No, no, this is good and I definitely shouldn't feel embarrassed over it.
"I-I knew that! I was just… testing you!"
The girl laughed at me in a mocking way. I did my best to compartmentalize the ugly way that made me feel and kept my charade going. Thankfully, the person ordering in front of me went to sit elsewhere, letting me turn away from Jake and trounce up to the counter, my big boots making loud claps where I exaggeratedly stomped with each stop. The twenty something girl behind the counter looked tired yet wary. Lacking sleep, but clearly knew not to mess with capes.
As did the man standing beside her, the titular indomitable wall of meat himself: Fugly Bob.
…okay wow that sounded bad. He was built like a butcher I wasn't trying to make fun of him in my head or anything he had a very normal body type and I was a little too in character and I was going to stop thinking about this now.
I cleared my through before widening my stance and pointing a finger at the man.
"I would like a double triple floppy deluxe, on a raft, four by four animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim!"
Fugly Bob, who had basically pushed the poor cashier out of the way to handle the dangerous cape himself, just gave me a flat look.
"That all?"
"Um… you can make that?"
"I know what all that means, yes."
…Bubble Bass's order had an actual meaning? I tried not to cringe into the hoodie I wasn't wearing and forced myself to push forward.
"...uh, can I have a number 10 instead, no pickles, no tomato."
"Hm."
"...and can I get a large chocolate shake too?"
Fugly Bob was still looking at me with suspicion.
"...do have toys?"
"No."
"...okay. OH! Can I also have all the money in the register?"
At this, Bob… relaxed. Everyone else was a bit more guarded though. I had basically announced I was a villain.
Another reason I picked this place. Bob kept the place running on a shoestring budget, but he did so in part because profitable businesses had to pay protection fees or got robbed, which he had learned from personal experience. He had done interviews about having procedures in place for robberies, and having read them at the local library, I knew they boiled down to 'comply'. It wouldn't be a big payday, but any money was a lot of money to me at this point.
Still, that didn't mean I'd get out of this without a little haggling. Fugly Bob gave me a stink eye, which from him was rather impressive as he was already quite the uncleanly individual.
"You and what army, kid?"
OH YES!
I raised my hand theatrically.
"This one!"
I snapped my fingers.
Instantly appearing on the ceiling was handful of dog sized insects clinging to the ceiling. They looked like massive cockroaches, which made me wonder if my power had a sense of humor giving me massive, powerful giant cockroaches with scorpion stingers in a gross place like this. There were at least ten, three flying around me like little guardian angels. I made sure to mentally command then not to attack anyone or eat anything.
Immediately, the air in the restaurant dropped a few degrees. I knew my power was inherently evil and all, but that meant I had to do more heavy lifting to make sure people weren't too scared of me.
"Behold, my illustrious and honorable honor guard!"
I commanded one of the beetles to fly next to me and land on the counter. I reached out a hand to pet it as the giant venomous insect looked up at me.
My hand stopped in mid air. Nothing about my hesitance to pet the creature was faked, I genuinely did not want to touch the disgusting little demon.
"Please get your giant mutant cockroach off my counter." Bob said, bailing me out of my dilemma. "This place has a reputation, but it still has standards."
"Understandable. Little…vermin, please remove yourself from the man's counter."
The little vermin did as was bade… thankfully without me having to touch the accursed thing.
"Ahem… um, my order?"
"That'll me a number 10, no pickles, no tomato, and a chocolate shake."
"And all the money in the register!" I add hastily, like I'm worried he'll forget.
"Right. That'll be $12.57."
I give him the flattest look I could manage from my stupid flamenco mask. To the man's credit, he didn't flinch as he stared back at me.
I snapped my fingers.
Immediately, I feel the air behind me displace, usually a sign I just summoned something very big and very ugly. I turn around, expecting to be met with some despicable creature, and coming face to face with a… sphinx of some kind.
"I protect the temple!"
It's a large, as in crouching and bending over to fit into the restaurant large, stone Sphinx with a lion-like lower body and a manlike upper body except his head, which is much more canid that I would've thought.
Scorpion Beetles and a Sphinx? I'd take it. There were certainly worse options for my villainous debut. I go ahead and have the beetles ride on the sphinx's back as I turn back to Bob with a smug grin on my face.
Thankfully, summoning such a massive minion has made him recalculate his math on stalling for a hero to include the property damage my big stone golem would cost him. The money in the register and a combo meal is nothing in comparison and he clearly knows it.
"We'll get your order out in a minute, miss…?"
I puff out my chest.
"Hear me, citizens of Brockton Bay, I am your latest evil overlord, maven of mayhem and lady of lasciviousness! I am Henchmistress!"
I turn and start walking for the door, giving my best villainess laugh.
"Ohohohoho~!"
I walk out the door, feeling proud of myself… before remembering he's still making my order. I attempted to pull the door open again, definitely intentionally, before pushing them open and sitting down at a table near the doors. My sphinx and beetles were still standing guard, not having moved an inch.
"My lady, what do you require of me?"
"... do you want anything?"
"I exist to serve."
"No, I meant like… to eat."
"I am not bound by the curse of flesh. I require nothing of the sort."
The talky summons could be the worst sometimes. At least the scarabs, and I was calling them scarabs from now on, didn't ask for kid's meals. Or have existential crises.
Man, imagine if I'd dressed like a Pharoah or something today. That'd be so sick! Then again, I already felt like I was doing cultural appropriation being an Asian girl while wearing a flamenco outfit. I think I should just give up on cultural sensitivity when my power can summon whatever it feels like for me.
I tapped my finger on the table as orders were called out and everyone who hadn't left already tried to avoid the massive stone golem covered in enormous scorpion scarabs or recorded me on their phones. Eventually, I heard my order.
"A number 10 and a milkshake!"
"That's mine!"
I jumped up and grabbed my order. It wasn't fine dining, but holding the bag made me feel better knowing I'd be full for the day. I stuck up at the front and put my hands on my hips. Bob, who looked like he wanted me to forget, just sighed and started putting money from the register into a Fugly Bobs, no apostrophe, takeout bag. I took it with a smile he couldn't see because of the balaclava.
"Thank you very much, sir Bob of clan... Fugly..."
His name still grossed me out though.
I walked outside, a smile on my face as I mentally commanded my minions to follow me. Everything had gone according to plan!
"PRT! Unknown Parahuman, stand down!"
…this was also accounted for!
Across the road stood a PRT van. A line of about five troopers in full PRT riot gear stood at the ready, foam sprayers aimed in my direction. In front of them was a man in a Red Spandex suit. Assault was an immediately recognizable face to me as someone who grew up in Brockton Bay, and frankly he was the best member of the Protectorate I could have managed to roll. He was a talker, a snarker, and the perfect person for me to bounce off of.
Literally. His power lended itself really well to slapstick.
My hands were shaking, so I put them on me sides and lifted my chin at the hero and assembled troopers.
"Ah, goody goody two shoes, here to stop my newest and greatest nefarious scheme, are you?"
Assault, at least, seemed in good spirits, even as my sphinx squeezed out of the front doors, finally standing up to his full height which was… very tall.
"Your latest and greatest scheme… being robbing Fugly Bobs?"
"Obviously. I would've thought that self evident, you simpleton."
Oh my gosh. I was bantering with Assault! I tried to keep myself from feeling giddy by reminding myself he was here to arrest me, but I couldn't help the restless energy as I bounced up and down on my toes.
"Harsh. Who's your friend?"
"This is my minion!"
"Does he have a name?"
Shoot. I always forget to ask.
"Do you have a name minion. I'm sorry, I was so caught up in my vile scheme I forgot to ask." I said, injecting genuine distress into my voice. It somehow made me actually feel bad about it.
"I am Atu'lesh! I fight for the Maker!" his voice, sounding like grinding rocks and gravel, came out of him with a hint of pride. I hated it when they had personalities, but it did make this particular moment a lot easier for me.
"I see. And I assume this little lady is you maker?"
"Indeed." I said proudly. "I am Henchmistress! Grovel on your knees and I will abscond without harming you, heroes~!"
Silence.
Oh gods I hated the silence. I immediately rushed to fill the empty air.
"You aren't going to ask about the insects?"
"You just came out of Fugly's. The giant mutant cockroaches are the part that makes the most sense to me."
"It's Fuglys, no apostrophe."
"How could you tell I said it with an apostrophe?"
"I could hear it in your voice."
"Well." Assault said, straightening his posture. "I can tell you seem like a fine young lady-"
"Evil!" I interjected. Assault just continued.
"-but I think you could make for a pretty good Ward. It's got lots of benefits to it. You get pay, a roof over your head, and way better food than you can get at Fuglys… no apostrophe."
He was good, I'd give him that. I couldn't lie that there was a certain temptation there. All of that was something I wanted in some form or fashion.
But…
"It's impossible…"
"What was that?"
Shoot, I'd said that out loud. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I couldn't let myself get into a funk here and now.
"I said, it's impossible!" I said, putting on airs again and feeling the comfort of cockiness take over. "You heroes all talk a big game, but it's no use. You can cry and weep all you like that the illustrious and powerful Henchmistress never came to your side, but it will do you no good! After all, I already have all the support I could ever need right here!"
Mentally, I commanded my minions to attack. I had them hold back from their more dangerous abilities, I didn't want anyone getting hurt, after all, but I made sure to fire a few warning shots. The Insects leveled their scorpion tails and fired sprays of poison powder in such a way that they would certainly fall short. It did it's job, causing the PRT agents to step back and raise their foam sprayers at the airborne insects.
Truthfully, holding back, the insects were outmatched.
There were more of them, but one dose of Foam could invalidate them since their poison was too potentially dangerous to use. Thankfully, it kept them occupied. Assault took more attention, however.
He had run straight at me. I let out an unsightly 'Eep!' and scurried under the legs of my Sphinx, who swatted Assault's charge away with a backhand that would have almost certainly crippled anyone else.
Anyone who wasn't Assault.
Assault rebounded, carefully angling his body with his absorbed kinetic energy to bounce off a lighpost like a pool ball, rebounding back into Atu'lesh with a resounding crash as his fist cratered his face. Atu'lesh stumbled backwards, not quite as tough as his outward appearance would otherwise imply. Assault stood there with a look of confidence as bright light showed through the cracks in the Sphinx's face.
"You will NOT take her, thief!"
Fortunately, for Assault that is, Atu'lesh's next attack was another physical blow. The massive rock fists crashed into the crimson hero, who instead of being crushed like a bug, instead sprung upwards with all the force of the sphinx's own blow. His fist collided with Atu'lesh's, turning what was left of the statue's head into rubble.
"EUAAAGH!"
His body glowed before exploding outward violently, breaking up the asphalt and sending Assault flying. Thankfully, no one else was in the radius as he exploded.
Not me either. I had ran away as soon as Assault wasn't looking. I could vaguely tell through my link with my summons that Atu'lesh had vanished. The bugs were still harrying the PRT troopers, but over half their number were caught in containment foam. I didn't let out a sigh of relief just yet. I was only in an alley two buildings away after all. I was hurriedly stripping out of my outfit when one of the bugs still in the air noted that they couldn't see Assault anywhere.
I paled, summoning something else as a matter of instinct.
A horde of… what can only be described as gangly little shadow demon looking things, apparated in the alley. Their red pants and bandanas actually made them match the villain outfit I was taking off and hastily stuffing into my backpack, if not for their little scimitars.
Great, just great. What am I supposed to do with these little creatures?! If Assault sees them, my identity is out!
Then again, maybe I could use this…
Oh god I hear footsteps, Assault is still looking for me, isn't he? I finish stuffing my villain outfit into my backpack and hide it behind a garbage bag. My food and money bags won't fit. I'm running out of time to make a getaway!
It makes me sick to my stomach, but I make a call. I open a nearby dumpster, gagging at the horrible smell, and throw my dinner inside.
Beggars can't be choosers.
Then, just me in my sneakers, jeans, and faded grey hoodie, I command my recent summons to attack me just as I let out a scream.
Thankfully, it seems I wasn't being paranoid. As my summons brandish their scimitars and advance on me, Assault rounds the corner, spotting me in obvious distress, backed up against the wall by a bevy of evil looking little goblins… Tinkerbats, my power supplies.
I mentally command over half of the Tinkerbats to rush out of the opposite end of the alley while the rest divide their attention between me and Assault.
Thankfully, Assault is a hero through and through. He rushes forward as I scrabble to avoid Tinkerbats while they haphazardly swing their blades at me. I make sure not to come out of this scott free. Most people would never expect a Master's minions to be able to harm them, but if I so desire it, mine are more than willing. I'm so focused on the three Tinkerbats in front of me I can barely spare the attention to keep track of Assault.
I feel a sharp pain on my arm as one of the Tinkerbats draws blood, ruining my hoodie in the process. Great. Fantastic. I love shoplifting from Goodwill.
One of the Tinkerbats grabs my leg and, with a shocking amount of strength, pulls me down to the ground. I'm about to give the order for them to hold back at least a little bit when a Scimitar cleaves through the Tinkerbat holding my leg, dissolving the poor creature into a poof of harmless purple smoke. Assault steps between me and, apparently, the only two remaining Tinkerbats in the alley.
The two advance, but the fight is essentially over at this point. I watch in only a little bit of Awe as Assault uses his stolen Scimitar and his superpower to overpower their meagre defenses and turn them both into dust. He doesn't waste a second, smiling down at me and holding his hand out.
I stare at his hand with a bitter reverence, wishing I could do those kinds of things for just a moment longer than I'd want to admit before taking his hand. He pulls me back up to my feet.
"Hey there young lady, are you alright?"
No, my heart is currently beating out of my chest and I'm bleeding all over my hoodie.
"I'm… fine."
"Do you need me to escort you to the PRT agents the street over? You look like you took a nasty cut there."
"I'm fine." I lie. "It's… shallow."
I can see gears turning in his mind, and I panic. I'm a bad liar, sue me! So instead, I try to tell the truth, or at least, as much of it as possible.
"Sorry, just, you've got more important stuff going on, and I can take care of myself."
"Taking care of people who get hurt by villains is the important stuff heroes like us have going on."
"I know, just, I don't want to be a bother."
"Helping people's the job. Wouldn't have signed on if it wasn't."
Stop pressing… please…
Thankfully, whatever he read in my expression was enough to get him to take a step back.
"I getcha, you aren't comfortable with that-"
He pauses, as I hear a sound coming from his earpiece. He lifts a hand to it, looking away from me and down the alleyway I had my remaining Tinkerbats flee through. After a moment, he looks back at me apologetically.
"Sorry little lady, duty calls. I still recommend you get that looked at, and the PRT will be more than happy to handle that if you need."
I nod, grateful that this awkward situation is about to end.
Maybe it's because I look obviously uncomfortable, or homeless, but whatever the case, I'm immensely grateful as Assault jogs down to the other end of the alleyway, leaving me behind. As soon as I'm sure he's gone, I dive back into the dumpster, grabbing my takeout, and walking away. My milkshake is slightly warm, my fries are soggier than normal, and the money is all wet.
And I let out a sigh of relief.
The leftovers won't last long without a refrigerator, but I don't trust motels enough for the luxury. Too high odds someone there is a mole for the gangs, keeping track of who comes in and who goes out.
One benefit of being homeless is being invisible. People don't notice you, and they often don't want to notice you. That's fine by me. Other people can't be trusted with my safety and my secrets. I know the Fugly Burger I ordered will probably be fine to finish up tomorrow as long as I seal it and make sure no bugs get into its bag.
I make my way into the abandoned building. It's in the part of town the old me would never have set foot in before given how much gang violence is around, but the docks I've found can be safe if you know which building to steer clear of. Plenty of free real estate if you're willing to tolerate no electricity.
I scuttle down the stairs into what used to be an old storage basement. It's got several benefits to it. It's dark, quiet, out of the way, and the roof doesn't have any holes. Best of all, no signs of other gangs using this building for anything (yet). I set down, grabbing a loose sheet and throwing it over myself. It's hard to feel safe in a place like this, but it helps that I've got good security. The Bugs and Tinkerbats from earlier are both gone already, so with enough room for whatever I need, I summon tonight's food watcher and night-guards.
First is… two masked Hulk Hogan looking shadow monsters. Hey, I might not be into that kind of thing, but they're big, powerful, and intimidating. Certainly better than some of the other sleep paralysis demons I've summoned to watch me sleep.
Roll:18: https://megamitensei.fandom.com/wiki/Sui-Ki
Second is… an Oni. It's weird seeing something so traditionally Oni when Oni Lee is such an unfortunate fixture of Brockton Bay, but it's self evident that the thing I'm looking at is the real deal.
And… it's emanating an aura of cold. I can feel myself start to shiver under the already insufficient covering I was using as a blanket. I sigh. Just my luck.
Then again, today went… alright. It was hard to get excited about my debut considering how much of a clusterfudge it was, but I couldn't help but look back on it and smile. Being Henchmistress was fun. It really made me feel confident that I could pull this Joke Villain thing off. I felt cool, confident, and funny. It didn't help that the money and food would take a huge load off my worries for the time being.
Speaking of food, I mentally commanded one of the… Gigases… whatever that was, to hold my leftovers off the floor. I'd have… Sui-Ki do it, but I didn't have a microwave, and didn't fancy eating the burger any colder than I'd have to.
The other Gigas I had lay down. It's huge body was softer than the floor, but not warmer. No, it gave me a shiver up my spine that had nothing to do with the cold as I commanded it to hold me.
It was better than nothing.
My debut in Brockton was over with, and my future was already looking so much brighter. I cradled my arm, the throbbing of the cut already scabbed over, and let myself relax into my servant's arms.
With help like this, who needed a team?