Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The dust is still settling when Shiro lands the black lion. Allura and Coran are watching from the castle, waiting for any sign of danger. Ever since the paladins found each other a few months back, they’ve been taking down Galra ships on what seems like a daily basis. It took them a long time to get this far- they were all so shaken from losing each other that they didn’t do any fighting while they recovered. Instead, they found a peaceful planet far from the outer reaches of the Galra Empire and hid. Now, they’re attacking ships and evacuating prisoners.

Allura gives an all-clear. The other four paladins land as she warns them to be careful. Shiro can hear the blood pounding in his ears, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He feels alive.

“Alright, men, we don’t know what we’re going to find in there. Be on your guard. Let’s get in, get out, and get gone.”

The paladins scatter, rushing into the abandoned trade center. The Galra have either fled or died fighting. Even so, Shiro keeps his guard up as he runs. His footsteps echo off the metal walls and follow him like a haunting shadow. Hunk’s voice breaks the silence as he speaks into his helmet’s audio.

“Guys? I found people. I can’t get to them, the doors are all locked.”

“We need to get them out. Allura, can you prepare for passengers?”

“We’ll land as soon as you give us a signal.”

“I’m hacking the computer system right now,” Pidge says, “It looks like the cells are controlled by a lock-release combination. There’s one for each floor. Shiro, can you find a computer terminal? I might be able to power the mechanism indirectly through your arm.”

“I think I see one up the hall,” Shiro starts to say, and is interrupted by Lance’s voice.

“Pidge, that’s like asking him to stick a fork in a socket. What if he dies? Wait- can that happen? Can Galra ships electrocute people?”

“I dunno man,” Hunk joins in. An impatient sigh whooshes over the audio. That’s obviously Keith. “Cause I mean, Shiro’s stuck his hand in stuff before and he’s fine. But maybe if we tried it? Maybe we would get hurt?”

Shiro skids to a stop next to the computer terminal and shoves his fingers into it. He twists his arm slowly until his hand glows purple, then interrupts the conversation. “Okay, Pidge, that’s all I’ve got. Will it work?”

“I think so. Give me a minute.”

The only sound for a few minutes is breathing- obviously the other paladins are restraining themselves so that Pidge can think. Shiro’s gut twists as a noise comes across the helmet speaker. It’s something they’ve come to recognize as ‘Pidge’s concentration hum’, but Matt Holt used to make the exact same sound. Shiro blocks the thought and tries to focus on the situation at hand.

“I’m in. All the cells are unlocked… Okay, they’re released. I’m seeing about a hundred cells spread over four floors. I’ll open the cell bays for you guys, but I need to hack the database and get the trade routes.”

“Is it cool if I take first floor? Cause, you know, I’m already here and I can see them and stuff.” Hunk asks, sounding sheepish.

“That’s fine. Lance, Keith, take floors two and three. I’ll go to the fourth floor and check there.”

A murmur of agreement ripples through the helmets. Pidge confirms that the cell bays are being unlocked and Shiro listens to Hunk ushering prisoners out of their cells as he runs down the staircase. Soon enough, Keith and Lance’s voices join in as they direct their own prisoners to safety. As he reaches the bottom of the staircase, Shiro braces himself for impact and slams into the door of the prisoner ward- even unlocked, they’re always tricky to open- but it doesn’t budge.

“Shit! Pidge, my door isn’t open. I need it unlocked, now!”

Through a tiny window on the door, Shiro can see prisoners slowly gathering in the cell bay. They look battered and confused, tentatively stepping out of their cells like they can’t believe they might be free. The moment the lock on the door clicks open, Shiro busts it open and stumbles into the cell bay. The prisoners flinch away and sprint back into their cells.

“Wait! Don’t be afraid, I’m here to help!” Shiro calls, moving more slowly now that he’s managed to enter the cell bay.

A few of the braver prisoners reappear, cautiously peering around the edges of their cells. They’re small and hope is still lingering in their eyes. They look like children. Shiro offers a small smile.

“My name is Shiro. I’m a paladin of Voltron. We’ve come to rescue you.”

“What happened to the Galra?”

“It’s okay, they’re gone. We’re going to take you somewhere they can’t find you.”

Relief rushes through the crowd of prisoners that has gathered, nearly palpable in the cell bay. Some of them rush forward to embrace Shiro. It isn’t long before unease pulls him away from the group.

“You’ll have to help each other. Anyone who is strong needs to carry the injured. Go up the stairs, you’ll find the other paladins there and they can get you to our ship.”

There is a flurry of activity as the prisoners gather each other and hurry out of the cell bay. Shiro checks each cell to make sure no one is left behind. They’re all empty by the time the last prisoner has left the cell bay, but he can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. He’s about to give up when Pidge’s voice crackles in his ear, more urgent than the other paladins.

“Shiro, there’s a faded heat signature two halls away from you. Something is down there with you.”

“Is it Galra?”

“No. It’s- I can’t tell. I think it’s another prisoner, but the heat signature isn’t very strong. Something’s there for sure. It might not be alive. But it could be, I don’t know.”

“Where?”

“Take a right out of the cell bay into the maintenance alley. Get out of it at the first exit and turn left at the next hall you see. It’s close to the end on the left.”

“Got it.”

Shiro jogs to the end of the cell bay and feels around until he finds the maintenance lock. He presses his hand against it. The wall slides open with a pneumatic hiss. Shiro’s heartbeat picks up. He slips into the maintenance alley and manages to find another lock not too far down. When he clambers out of the alley, he finds himself in a tall hallway, the purple lights flickering dangerously. There’s a doorway about thirty feet away, so he jogs over and turns left. His restlessness grows with every step he takes toward the end of the hall. About halfway down, he slows down so he can look for a cell.

What he finds instead is a door set into the wall, solid except for a crack that looks like a mail slot. It might be big enough to fit a tray of food through, just barely. Shiro frowns. He lifts the metal bolt hesitantly, wondering why this door isn’t locked digitally like the others. The door slides open to reveal a tiny room- it looks like it should be a broom closet, really. The room is empty save for one, unmistakably human prisoner lying on the floor. Even in the dim lighting, it takes less than a second for Shiro to recognize the bloody man. His stomach lurches violently.

“Oh, god,” he breathes.

The other paladins’ voices clamor together in confusion and it’s too much too fast too soon too painful. Shiro removes his helmet shakily. It clatters to the floor, taking his strength with it. He manages one step forward before he collapses, his breath ragged.

The man isn’t moving. He’s curled in on himself like he’s trying to hold himself together, but it doesn’t even look like he’s breathing. His blonde hair is long and matted, his left leg has been amputated. Shiro extends a trembling hand and brushes dirty hair away from the man’s bloody face. His skin is cold against Shiro’s fingers. Shiro chokes on his own breath.

“Matt?”

-----------------

Shiro can see Matt’s shoulders shaking. He swallows hard, trying to keep himself from showing emotion. He won’t let the Galra see that he’s afraid. He wants to reach out, to speak, to comfort Matt, but he knows it will draw too much attention. An announcer’s voice booms over the screaming crowd and Shiro finally, finally realizes what’s happening. That if he doesn’t do something, quickly, he will watch Matt die.

The guard motions toward Matt with a sword. He gasps and lets out a strangled cry. Shiro hears Matt’s frightened stammering and does the only thing he can. He attacks. He shoves Matt behind him as he runs forward and tears the sword from the guard’s hands.

“This is my fight!”

And the Galra, they actually look excited. Cursing himself, Shiro swings the sword as hard as he can. Matt cries out and falls to the floor, blood coating his hands in an instant. Guilt floods Shiro’s veins. He throws himself down onto Matt, who flinches away with a yelp.

“I want blood!”

“Shiro,” Matt whimpers.

Shiro drops his voice, hoping no one can see his heart breaking. “Take care of your father, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I lo-”

The guards drag him away by his neck, effectively cutting off whatever more he might have to say. Matt stares after him with terrified eyes, lying in a pool of his own blood, pain and fear clouding his mind. Galra come to pull Matt away from the other prisoners, and he knows what Shiro has done.

“No. No! Kashi, no! Takashi!”

-------------

“Eighty-six… eighty-seven… eighty-eight…. Okay, so there were eighty nine total prisoners that we got out. Is anyone missing?

Hunk shakes his head after Pidge is done counting. All the rescued prisoners are huddled together in the ship’s loading dock, looking relieved and apprehensive all at once. It seems like they’ll be able to take off soon, before any Galra reinforcements show up, but Allura looks confused.

“Wait… where’s Shiro?”

Hunk shrugs. “I thought he was behind Keith when we came out.”

“No, he was a floor below me,” Keith mutters. He’s leaning against the wall, looking surly as Lance not-so-subtly tries to braid his hair. Keith slaps Lance’s hands away. “Who knows where he went last?”

Pidge frowns. “He went to investigate a heat signature I found down there. I don’t know where he was when I unplugged the computers, though.”

“He isn’t one to go missing,” Allura says, “Can anyone contact him through the helmets?”

Keith shakes his head. “After whatever he and Pidge were talking about, we didn’t hear anything from him. He turned it off or something.”

Allura sets her jaw. “We can’t leave here without him. I’m going to find him.”

Lance looks over, his attention finally drawn away from messing with Keith. “What? No way. You should stay here with the prisoners. Keith and I can go look.”

Before Keith can say anything about being stuck with Lance, Allura nods. “Alright. Be quick, though, we should get these people to safety.”

Keith and Lance pull their helmets back on and are out of the castle within moments. They jog back into the trading center together and wordlessly make their way to the fourth floor. They find the cell bay empty and the maintenance door still slid open. Lance looks to Keith, who shrugs.

“Hey, Pidge?”

“Pidge is getting set up to analyze the data we got,” Hunk’s voice answers. “What’s up, Lance?”

“We’re in the cell bay. Where do we go?”

“Uh… hang on……. Okay, so Pidge says that you get in the maintenance alley and go right. Leave through the first door and then go down the hall. That’s where Shiro went. If he isn’t there, you’re on your own.”

Keith has jumped into the maintenance alley and is running before Hunk has finished talking. Lance swears and takes off after him. Keith doesn’t slow until they reach an intersection and he skids to a stop.

“What? Why’d you stop?” Lance pants.

“Shh. Can you hear that?”

“What?”

Lance straightens up, watching Keith look around in confusion. Then, he hears it. Awful, ragged sobbing echoing through the halls like the soundtrack to death. The sound sends chills down Lance’s spine. He catches Keith’s gaze, seeing his own fear mirrored there.

“Where…?”

Keith glances to their left. He walks slowly, almost like he’s afraid to find the source of the horrible noise. He stops dead halfway down the hall.

“Lance…”

“Is that Shiro’s helmet?”

Lance brushes past Keith, clenching his jaw as the sobs get louder and more broken. He freezes in a doorway beside the black and white helmet lying on the floor.

“Oh my god…”

Shiro is hunched over on his knees, rocking back and forth with the body of a human prisoner clutched to his chest. Shiro is shaking violently as he cries, his face pressed into the man’s bloody hair. Lance feels weak at the knees. This is wrong. He shouldn’t be seeing this. Shiro is strong. Shiro doesn’t cry.

Except that he does; awful, gut-wrenching, open-mouthed sobs. It’s like he’s dying. Lance feels Keith touch his shoulder as he passes, but he can’t take his eyes off Shiro. Keith kneels beside Shiro and removes his helmet so he can speak in low tones. Lance feels sick.

“H-Hunk?”

“Yeah.”

“We… we got a problem.”

“What do you mean? Is it Shiro? Is he dead?”

“… No… but, um… The other guy might be.”

Chapter Text

It takes Keith a long time to convince Shiro to move and get the stranger to safety. He refuses to let go of the body, and the sight of tear tracks on his cheeks are enough incentive for Keith not to push the issue. Slowly, so slowly, Shiro regains enough control to stand. The man’s body is limp in his arms. Shiro passes Lance, his expression steely and tight. He’s obviously fighting another breakdown.

Lance looks to Keith, who is silently putting his helmet back on. Keith leans down to pick up Shiro’s helmet and when he straightens up, he catches Lance’s eye. Lance opens his mouth, but Keith shakes his head. Lance nods once and turns away.

The three paladins make their way back through the trading complex quietly. There’s a group of some of the stronger prisoners waiting for them at the surface without a stretcher. Shiro doesn’t even look at it as he passes. Lance pauses to mutter and apology and walk with them back to the ship.

Shiro freezes up just inside the castle doors. His grip on the stranger is white-knuckled. Keith jogs forward to place a hand on Shiro’s back and guide him towards the medical bay. He throws a cool glance over his shoulder at Lance, who startles into action. Lance runs through the castle until he reaches the control room, which he bursts into, panting. He only pauses a moment before stumbling around Coran towards a very confused Allura.

“Lance, what-”

“Can Coran fly us back to base on his own?”

Allura’s brow creases. “Well, yes, but-”

“We need you, then.”

Allura exchanges a look with Coran. She moves her hands off the controls cautiously. “Alright…. What’s going on, Lance?”

“It’s Shiro,” he says, “I’ll explain on the way.”

Allura’s expression hardens and she nods. “Coran, get us back safely.”

She steps down from the control platform as Coran hurries over and pulls her skirts up away from her legs so she can run after Lance.

“Where is he?”

“Medical bay. Keith took him there.” Lance slows down to slip around a corner into another hall. “He found another human. Shiro-”

“What?”

Lance glances at Allura- her eyes are wide and her brow is creased. He nods and her mouth falls open. He cuts her off before she can speak again.

“We don’t know who the guy is, but it seems like Shiro does. He won’t let go of him and he won’t talk to us.”

The pair slides to a stop in front of the door to the medical bay. Lance is breathing heavily, but Allura’s short breaths seem more like shock than exertion. She glances from Lance to the door and back again.

“What am I going to find in there?”

Lance starts to reply and finds he can’t. The sound of Shiro’s sobs invades his mind and it feels like betrayal. Whatever had happened to make him cry like that is not something that needs to be acknowledged out loud.

Allura draws a deep breath after he shakes his head and opens the door. At first glance, everything seems normal- some of the people they’ve rescued are wearing medical uniforms and are bustling around treating the injured- and then she sees the curtain drawn at the end of the ward. As she approaches, she can hear the low murmur of Keith’s voice trying to convince Shiro that he can let go now. Through a crack in the curtain, she sees Keith and Shiro’s helmets resting on the bedside table.

“Keith? Could you check on Lance?”

Keith turns at the sound of Allura’s voice. He looks like he might fight for a moment, but then he nods. Once he’s gone, Allura draws the curtain the rest of the way closed. She moves so she can watch Shiro, but she doesn’t come close to him. He’s standing beside the bed, still holding the body of the human prisoner. His expression is vacant and his eyes are unfocused. Allura knows that look. It’s the same one she had when she realized that she had lost Altea.

“Who is he?”

Shiro gives no indication that she’s heard her, so she puts more force into her voice. He’s built a wall around himself and it needs to be broken.

“Shiro. Who is he?”

Allura watches as Shiro’s jaw clenches and his lips move soundlessly for a moment. Then, low and rough, “He’s dead.”

Allura feels her heart lurch at the grief in his voice. But the wall is cracking now, and she can’t stop. “That’s not what I asked.”

“I- I knew him.”

“I want to know his name.”

“… Matthew Holt.”

The wall starts to crumble. Allura presses on. “What happened to him?”

“It’s my fault.”

“I don’t want to know whose fault it was, Shiro. I want to know what happened.”

Shiro’s brow creases. The wall is caving in on itself. “He- I… I hurt him. They took him away, and- … he’s dead.”

“Have you checked for a pulse?”

And the wall collapses in a pile of rubble and dust. Shiro’s eyes snap back into focus and his trembling stops. He looks like he might collapse. Allura allows herself a brief moment of victory before she drops the steel in her voice and steps forward.

“We won’t be able to help him until you set him down. It’s alright, Shiro. I promise he won’t disappear if you let go of him.”

Shiro steps forward to lay Matthew’s body on the bed. His hands linger for a moment longer than they should, and then he’s staggering backwards and falling into a chair and Allura is wrapping her arms around him.

“Matthew will be fine. We’ll help him.” She squeezes him once and then pulls away to look him in the eye. “I am very proud of you, Shiro. This isn’t easy.”

Shiro’s breath is rough, but he nods. He isn’t lost anymore. He’s grounded in the moment, and that’s all Allura needs. She pokes her head out of the curtain ad calls over one of the medics. Shiro watches quietly from his chair as Allura and the medic work together to clean Matt and check for injuries. They’ve just managed to cut his shirt off when Matt’s eyes fly open.

He jerks away with a hoarse, grating scream and nearly rolls off the bed. His flailing limbs knock the scissors from the medic’s hands and Allura yelps as he strikes her. Shiro lunges forward and pushes Matt back down against the bed, holding the small man down as he thrashes.

“Stop! Hey, hey, stop it, stop! We aren’t Galra, we won’t hurt you! Stop! Matt! Matt, stop it! Mattie, please!”

Matt freezes, his shrieks dying in his throat. His heart is pounding wildly and his chest heaves as he stares at Shiro with wide brown eyes, fear slowly melting into confusion.

“… Takashi?”

Shiro looks like something deep within him is shattering. Hardly daring to breathe, he nods. Matt’s brow creases, only for a moment, and then he’s limp beneath Shiro’s hands, head lolling to the side. Allura sees a tremor in Shiro’s hands as he pulls away, his breath catching in his throat. She resists the urge to lay a hand on his shoulder.

“Shiro, don’t panic. He’s just fainted, he’ll be just fine. It’s alright. Everything is okay.”

Shiro nods numbly, but Allura knows it’s just for show. She studies him for a moment, then approaches the bed again.

“We need to finish treating him. Maybe you should wait outside?”

“No.” Shiro’s voice is rough and broken, but determined. “I can’t leave him. I left him once already, I won’t do it again.”

The medic glances towards them, but continues cutting away Matt’s clothing and washing old wounds that are scattered across his chest and back. Allura watches Shiro until he sits back down in the chair, very pointedly not watching Matt, but still obviously very attuned to the other man. She holds back a sigh and moves so that she can wash the blood and grime from Matt’s long blonde hair and comb through it gently until all the tangles are gone.

By then, the medic has bandaged all of the fresh cuts and applied a salve to the older ones, and Matt has been changed into loose, comfortable clothing. The medic mutters something to Allura and backs out of the curtained area. Allura dries her hands on a towel and smooths down Matt’s long hair before she kneels in front of Shiro, expression soft.

“Shiro, I need to know what you want me to tell the others.”

“I don’t care.”

“Yes, you do. They’re your team, Shiro. I know you care. They need to know, but I won’t say anything you don’t want me to.”

Shiro starts to shake his head, then stops. “Pidge. Pidge is- … tell them that he’s Matthew Holt.”

Allura’s eyes are sad, but she nods. “I’ll keep them out for a little while. I think you need some time.”

She’s almost got the curtain closed behind her when she hears Shiro whisper a ‘thank you’. She smiles softly, but doesn’t reply.

---------------

In the hall outside the medical bay, Allura finds Hunk pacing back and forth. She stops right away to watch him. It isn’t until the door clicks shut behind her that Hunk glances up ad stops pacing abruptly.

“Oh, Princess! I, uh… um…”

“I’ve promised Shiro some time alone with the man. I understand why you want to see him, Hunk. But now is not the time.”

Hunk smiles sheepishly. “It’s just been a long time, you know? I love my guys, but… seeing the same four humans gets kinda… I dunno, sad.”

“You think I enjoy Coran being the only other Altean? His puns are awful!”

Hunk stifles a laugh, then his smile fades. “I just don’t get why no one else is trying to get in there…”

Allura grimaces. “Well, that may have something to do with Shiro. Where did the others go?”

“Common room, I think. I don’t really know, I was helping the healthy prisoners. Pidge is going through the data from the trade center, though.”

“Let’s go to the common room, then.”

Allura sets off at a quick, business-like pace. Hunk has to jog to keep up with her, but he doesn’t bother asking why she’s so insistent on finding the other paladins. When they push their way into the common room, they find Keith and Lance tangled together on the couch. Lance has his head pressed against Keith’s neck, and Keith’s face is buried in Lance’s hair.

Allura ignores them and sits on the opposite end of the couch, pointedly watching Hunk until he joins them. Keith shifts so he can look at them, and he seems mildly annoyed at the interruption. Lance doesn’t bother moving before he speaks, voice muffled against Keith’s shoulder.

“I know it’s you, Hunk, and I don’t want to experiment with food goo.”

“Well, yeah, it’s me, but I’m not alone. And I don’t even want any food goo.”

“You can tell Pidge to go away, too.”

“I’m not Pidge,” Allura says, and Lance finally turns his face to look at her. Physically, he seems fine, but his eyes scream exhaustion and homesickness. Keith tightens his grip on Lance and clenches his jaw before talking.

“How’s Shiro?”

“He’s managing. What happened in that trade center?”

Keith glances down at Lance, who doesn’t take his eyes off Allura. “He was crying when we found him.”

Hunk blanches. Allura bites back her surprise- even though she had seen the evidence of tears on Shiro’s cheeks, she hadn’t wanted to believe he had been in so much pain. Lance shifts in Keith’s arms and draws a deep breath.

“It was awful. He sounded like he was dying. Is that other guy actually... gone?”

Allura shakes her head. “Unconscious. He woke up and recognized Shiro, but he’s sleeping again now.”

Hunk moves so he can get a better look at Allura. “So… they know each other?”

“I believe they may have been imprisoned together. Shiro said that his name is Matthew Holt.”

Hunk adopts the same look he gets when he chokes on too much food goo. Keith seems vaguely confused. Lance’s face has gone slack with shock.

“Holt? Like… Kerberos mission Holt?”

“Keith!” Lance pulls away like he’s personally offended. “I understand thinking of Kerberos, but saying that first? Really?!”

“Well what should I be saying first?”

“Uh, Pidge? Also known as Katie Holt?”

“Oh my god,” Hunk cuts in, awestruck, “We just found Pidge’s big brother.” Silence falls over the group until Hunk speaks again, surprisingly soft. “We have to tell Pidge.”

“How? That’s not exactly something you can just bring up out of the blue,” Lance says. He’s scowling, an expression eerily reminiscent of Keith. “That’s like my dad coming up one day and saying that Abuela’s back from the grave. Only worse, you know, cause Abuela was like a gazillion years old when she died, and Matt’s not dead. Like, Pidge just thought they’d never see him again and now he’s here but if he doesn’t get better then Pidge is gonna be devastated. And like, it wouldn’t be so bad if Abuela came back randomly cause she’s kind of a scary lady but she made really good churros and I don’t think Matt can make churros but what if he can? And then we tell Pidge that he’s back but then he really doesn’t get better and Pidge never gets churros?”

Keith and Allura stare at him blankly, obviously not following his rant, but Hunk is nodding along like he understands completely. Allura sighs.

“It doesn’t matter. Pidge needs to know.”

“I’ll do it,” Hunk says. When three pairs of eyes settle on him, he shrugs. “I think I can do it. We spend a lot of time building stuff together.”

Allura nods. “Hunk, I think you’re right. You should be the one to talk to Pidge. I need to get back to helping Coran, and… Lance needs to talk about a woman named Abuela?”

“No, no, she was my abuela, but her name was actually Rosa.”

Hunk leaves before he can get sucked into this conversation again. He doesn’t have far to walk to get to the bedrooms, but it still takes him a long time to work up the courage to knock on Pidge’s door. At first, there’s no response. Then, a distracted little grunt. Hunk eases the door open a crack, not sure if he’s been invited in or not.

Pidge is sitting cross-legged on their bed wearing pajama pants and a tank top, illuminated by the screens of the various computers scattered around them. Pidge is humming slightly as they glance from screen to screen, continuously typing.

“Pidge?”

Another grunt. Hunk takes that as the go-ahead and slips into the room. Large windows along the far wall reveal the sight of deep space and countless stars. Hunk tears his gaze away to focus on Pidge.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Mmhmm.”

“No, like, you actually gotta pay attention.”

“Not now, Hunk, I’m busy.”

“I know, Pidge, but this is important. I-”

“I almost have this code figured out, I can’t get distracted.”

“There’s something you need to see. Right now.”

Pidge makes a frustrated noise in the back of their throat but doesn’t look up at Hunk. “You, of all people, should know not to interrupt data analysis. This trade center is invaluable, Hunk, it might have inf-”

“I’m not kidding, I swear it’s important!”

“Hunk, I’m looking for information about my family, I don’t ha-”

“That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Pidge! We found your brother.”

Pidge’s entire body freezes. They lift their fingers from the computer keys, very obviously keeping back a violent tremble. Hunk feels like he’s been doused in ice water. The tension in the room is too thick to even think about cutting. It’s a long moment before Pidge speaks, voice hard and cold.

“That isn’t funny.”

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this,” Hunk says quietly.

It seems like forever before Pidge looks up, tears brimming in their eyes. They aren’t sure their heart is still beating. Finally, they manage to take a long, shuddering breath.

“You’re not lying.”

Their voice is tight and strained. It isn’t a question. Hunk doesn’t treat it as one.

“I don’t think they’ve put him in a cryopod yet, he’s in the medical bay.”

A computer crashes to the floor as Pidge lurches off the bed. They careen past Hunk and into the hall without another word.

Chapter Text

“I didn’t think she was ever going to leave.”

Shiro startles, but it doesn’t show. He twists calmly towards the bed and sees Matt staring at the ceiling with a deceivingly flat expression.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough,” Matt mutters. He sighs. “Since when does the Garrison work with aliens? They always told my father he was insane.”

Shiro frowns. He starts to speak, but Matt turns to look at him and he chokes up. Matt’s eyes are sad and haunted, and something in the way he’s not looking directly at Shiro says that he can’t see him.

“You’re Takashi Shirogane, right? Exploration pilot. We were in the same class. I was with extraterrestrial biology and communications. How did you find me?”

“Matt… can you not remember?”

Shiro can hear his own heartbeat in the long silence that follows. It seems like Matt isn’t going to answer, but then he does- so quietly that Shiro can barely hear his voice rasping with disuse.

“… I don’t know where I am.”

It takes all of Shiro’s self-control not to wrap his arms around the smaller man. All the same, he does scoot his chair closer to the bed. “What do you know?”

Matt turns his face away and purses his lips. “School. Some of it. But I’m older now than what I remember. Every time I try to remember, I lose focus. How long have I been gone?”

“From Earth? Three years.”

Matt’s gaunt face pales. “I lost that much? How? I- I… my family.. do they know that- did they…. What has the Garrison told them?”

Shiro runs a hand through his hair, not sure how to answer. “Matt, we… we’re not with the Garrison. We’re not on earth.”

This is not how Shiro had thought their reunion would go. He’d never let himself think about it for long, but in his head it was always happier. There were less awkward pauses and no lost memories. No missing limbs or too-thin shoulders. No anger or fear as Matt realizes that he’s not even in the Milky Way galaxy.

“What are you saying? Where am I? Answer me, Shirogane!”

Shirogane. It hurts worse than being stabbed. Shiro swallows hard and has to look away to bite back sudden tears. That is not the name that Matt uses for him. It hasn’t been in nearly eleven years. Some things in life are not meant to be repeated.

“Shirogane.”

“Don’t,” Shiro manages to wheeze, his voice shaking. “Don’t call me that.”

Matt’s brow creases into a frown. “What else am I meant to call you? Shirogane is your name.”

“Stop. Please, please, stop.”

Tense silence falls while Shiro tries to compose himself again. He’s meant to be a leader, a strong figure of authority. Not a weak and cowering child. Finally, he manages to draw a deep breath and control the tremors that threaten to run through his body.

“I need to know what the last thing you remember is,” Shiro says, hating the way his voice still cracks under pressure.

Matt looks exhausted as he considers his answer. “It’s… complicated. None of my memories fit together like they should. I remember some of my first year at the Garrison. I know that I was there longer, but I… I can’t see it. Everything is gone until… what, maybe a month ago? I don’t know how to keep track of time anymore.”

“Do you remember how you got there?”

“No. No, that’s all gone. I don’t know how I lost my leg, either. I assume they took it. They always asked me things about earth.”

Shiro feels a sharp pang of guilt and has to ignore it. “What sort of things?”

“Like… biology. Sort of. I think they were trying to get me to talk about humans, but I mostly told them about bears. I didn’t like the way they talked to me so I didn’t give them what they wanted to hear.”

“So they were keeping you alive so you could teach them about what lives on earth?”

“I guess so?” Matt shudders violently and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment as his jaw clenches. “If you can call it being alive.”

“Matt, I- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

Shiro’s breath hitches. It sticks in his chest and aches. “I know how you got here. I know some of what happened.”

Matt struggles to prop himself up on his elbows, brown eyes struggling to find Shiro. “What do you mean, Shirogane?”

And Shiro breaks. Suddenly he’s speaking, he can’t stop himself, he’s spilling everything he’s kept back for months, everything he’s wanted to say in the last year and couldn’t because there was no one that would understand exactly what it meant, exactly how it felt. Even if Matt won’t remember, he’ll understand.

-------------------

Shiro holds the core machine in place as Matt slowly pulls the ice sample from it, positively glowing with pride. He and Commander Holt are both ecstatic at the possibility that Kerberos will lead them to alien life forms. Shiro is just glad to be able to tag along and share in their joy. The ground begins shaking beneath their feet, the light of the sun is blocked out by a massive ship. Cold dread sinks into Shiro’s chest as he grabs Matt’s hand and pulls him away from their sample station. He hears the ice core shatter as Matt drops it, and Matt’s strangled cry. It doesn’t matter. They have to run. They have to leave. Matt has to be safe.

“No! Dad!”

“Matt, go! Shiro, please, go! Run!”

Matt tugs his hand away from Shiro’s to run back to where his father has fallen. He’s too small to help and his boots scrabble on the ice until he hits the ground. Shiro can’t get back to him before the light jerks him away into the air.

“Matt!”

“Kashi!”

The purple beam engulfs Shiro and his vision dies in a flood of white. He comes to in an unfamiliar ship, surrounded by creatures the likes of which he’s never seen. He can hear Matt sniffling beside him. Commander Holt makes no noise. Shiro begs for them, but the creatures beat him down. The next time he wakes, he’s wrapped in Matt’s arms. Commander Holt is nowhere in sight. Matt is shaking. Shiro reaches up to cup his cheek.

“They took him away,” Matt whispers, lips trembling as he fights back tears. “They won’t tell me where he went.”

“We’ll find him. We’ll get your father back, Matt, I promise.”

“No, Kashi. Please. I don’t want them to take you, too.”

Shiro moves so he can press their foreheads together. His hands rest on Matt’s cheeks. “I won’t let them take me away from you. We’re going to find your father and we’re going to do it together. We’ll get out of here.”

“Don’t leave me, okay?”

“I promise you, Mattie, I’m never going to leave you. We’re in this together. Got it?”

Matt nods wordlessly, his cheeks wet as his tears finally spill over. Shiro moves one hand so it wraps around the back of Matt’s neck. Matt sniffles, and their breath mingles between them. Shiro isn’t one for empty promises. He isn’t going to say that they’ll be alright. He isn’t going to say it’s all going to be okay. Instead, he swipes his thumb across Matt’s cheek and leans in.

------------------------

Matt is quiet for a long time, and it kills Shiro to hear the confusion when he speaks again. “So… these… Galra, they… they abducted me? And my- my father, what happened to him? Is he alright? You escaped, what about him?”

Shiro shakes his head. Of course Matt doesn’t know. He can’t know, not with so many details missing. Shiro may have broken the floodgates, but even a damaged dam retains some water. There’s no reason to tell Matt about what once was if he can’t even remember Shiro’s name. He would never look Shiro in the eye again.

“I don’t know. It’s been a year, and there’s no sign of Commander Holt.”

“But you found me. Surely you can find him, too.”

“We didn’t know we were going to find you, Matt, we-”

Just then, there comes the sound of a door slamming open. Several people yelp in surprise. Footsteps thunder across the room and the curtain surrounding Matt and Shiro is ripped away to reveal Pidge, chest heaving and feet bare. Their eyes are wide and wet and their hands are trembling. The air in the room freezes as Matt stares at Pidge and Pidge stares at Matt. Fat, hot tears drip from Pidge’s eyes and dampen their sleeveless shirt without even touching their cheeks. A pitiful whimper escapes their lips. Matt’s voice is quiet with awe.

“Pidgey? Is that you?”

The stillness shatters with a wail as Pidge launches themselves at Matt and begins sobbing. Shiro feels his throat tighten at the sight of Pidge clinging to Matt’s neck and bawling into his shirt. Matt’s thin arms encircle Pidge and he holds like he’s never going to let go.

“Oh my god. Oh my god, what happened to you?”

“I hate you,” Pidge howls, their voice thick with emotion. “I hate you so much, Matt, you’re never leaving home again!”

The Holt siblings hold each other until they’re both composed. It takes nearly a half hour of Pidge berating Matt through hiccupping sobs and Matt laughing with tears streaming down his face. Finally, Shiro manages to get Pidge to sit in a chair he’s dragged over. They hold Matt’s hand with both of their own in a death grip. Shiro sits beside them, and Matt lays on the bed, looking exhausted. Shiro wants to be happy for the siblings, but he can only find hollow sadness that they got the reunion they deserved while Shiro is left with the cold memory of what once was.

“Really, though, what happened to you?” Matt asks, trying hard to focus his vision on Pidge. “Where did my baby sister go?”

Pidge sniffles but doesn’t let go of their brother’s hand. “I got banned from the Garrison after I broke in to find out what actually happened to you and Dad and Shiro, so I made up a fake identity and enrolled.”

“You called yourself Pidge. But you hate it when I call you Pidgey!”

“I’m not a Pokémon! I just… I wanted to remember you.”

Matt smiles briefly, then it fades from his face. He squints in Shiro’s direction, trying to find his exact position. Shiro realizes, belatedly, that Matt hasn’t been able to get visual aid in two years- his contacts died within the first day of imprisonment, and he left his glasses on earth.

“Shiro? She’s calling you Shiro, is that okay?”

“Uh… yeah. Yeah, that’s… yeah.”

Matt nods. “Okay. You looked after her?”

“Not just Pidge, but- oh. Yeah.”

“Thank you, Shiro.”

He smiles again, so warmly that Shiro has to look away. Seeing that smile again feels wrong when Matt has no idea what he means to Shiro. It isn’t long before Matt’s questions begin to slow and his eyelids droop. Shiro bites the inside of his cheek. He doesn’t want this to end, not for Pidge, but Matt looks like death itself.

“Pidge? Maybe it’s time for bed.”

“What?” The look Pidge gives Shiro is so soulful and distraught that he nearly relents, but instead he shakes his head. Pidge positively pouts. “Shirooooooo. Come onnnn!”

“No, Pidge, he needs to rest. It’s been too long already. We need to get him in a cryopod.”

Matt jerks, his brown eyes suddenly wide and alert. “What?”

Pidge drops the pout and turns to look at their brother. “A cryopod. It’s really cool, actually, a scientific wonder. I haven’t looked into how they work yet, but it’s how we do almost all of our medical stuff here. We’ve got an entire infirmary full of them. You just go inside one for a couple days and you’re back to normal!”

Fear floods into Matt’s eyes. Shiro knows the look all too well. “A- a couple days?”

“Yeah, it’s like a super fast healing thingy-majiggy. You just sleep the entire time and when you come back out, you almost don’t even know you were in there at all!”

“N-no. No, I can’t do that. I can’t lose more time.”

Shiro clenches his jaw. “Pidge, you need to go to bed.”

Pidge looks between Matt and Shiro and frowns. “No! He’s my brother, I’m not just gonna leave. I want to be with him until he gets in the cryopod.”

Matt blanches. Shiro can practically feel the panic attack building- he’s been through this exact process and he knows exactly how unpleasant it is. It’s not something that Pidge needs to see. Matt is shaking too badly to resist when Shiro wraps an arm around Pidge’s waist and pulls them away.

“No. It’s past your bedtime.”

“Shiro! Shiro, no! Put me down! Shiro, stop!” Pidge’s cries go from indignant to desperate the further away from Matt’s bed they get. “No! Shiro, he’s my brother, you can’t do this! I just got him back! Shiro! Shiro, please! Please he’s my brother Shiro don’t take him away Shiro no please no NO!”

By the time Shiro sets Pidge down outside the medical bay and locks the door in their face, their protests have dissolved into angry wails. Shiro strides back through the now-empty room to Matt’s bed and looks at the smaller man with as much control as he can muster. Matt is staring at him with terror in his eyes and tremors in his voice.

“Why did you do that? Why did you take Katie away?”

Shiro bows his head. “I’m sorry, Matt.”

“No! No, that’s my sister, you can’t just ta-take her like that, s-she needs me! I need her.”

“I know. But we have to put you in a cryopod. Allura said earlier that she doesn’t think you’ll recover otherwise. Pidge doesn’t need to see what it’s like to go under when you don’t want to.”

Matt sets his jaw indignantly despite his obvious anxiety and the shudders that run through his body. “You’re not putting me in one of those things. I- I won’t do it. I can’t, Shiro. I’ve lost s-so much time already, I… w-what am I going to- what’s going to h-happen when I don’t remember, I ca-can’t remember, I don’t know how.”

Shiro sits on the edge of the bed and just barely resists the urge to brush a hand against Matt’s. “I know,” he says quietly. He closes his eyes for a moment, then tilts his head back to stare at the ceiling.

“I know how it feels. After I escaped, I didn’t know anything. It’s been a year and there are still some things that I can’t remember. What the Galra do, it- …. You never really get over it. You think you do, and then something happens and you’re right back where you started. The cryopods are supposed to help, but they make me feel like I’m back on Sendak’s ship.

“You might think you’re ready for the cryopod, but then you get up next to it and you feel like you’re dying. When you stand in it, after it closes, before it puts you to sleep, you think that you’ll never be okay again. You’ll never wake up. Your mind makes your think that you’re back in those cells, alone and afraid and helpless.

“I was lucky enough that only Allura was around to see me break down the first time I went in a cryopod. She made sure that she was the only one around when I came out, too. I know how it’s going to feel for you and I don’t anyone to see it. Especially not Pidge.”

Matt’s trembling slowly stops as Shiro talks, replaced with an odd layer of calm masking his anxiety. He bites his lip and nods. At fifteen years old, with their emotions already running high, Pidge does not need to see their brother have a mental breakdown. Shiro draws a deep breath and glances at Matt with a sad smile.

“The cryopod is best for your physical health, but… I’m not going to force you into something that you don’t want to do.”

“Why?”

“Just because you’ll be healthy doesn’t mean you’ll be happy. Losing time is awful. It sends me reeling every time I come out of the cryopod. There’s no way I’m going to make you experience that against your will.”

“Yes, but… w-well. Why do you care?”

Shiro freezes in place. “I- we… b-because I-” I love you. “We were friends.”

Chapter Text

Shiro doesn’t sleep that night. According to one of the many clocks Pidge and Hunk have built and placed around the castle, it’s past five in the morning when Matt tells Shiro to put him in a cryopod. Shiro has to carry Matt out of the medical bay and into the infirmary- even if he could walk on his own, he’s too weak to do so now. Matt is rigid with fear by the time Shiro has the cryopod open and ready for him, and it’s everything Shiro can do not to whisper reassurances into Matt’s hair.

Shiro holds on to Matt’s shoulders to steady him once he’s standing inside the cryopod, and Matt’s hands encircle his wrists. Shiro catches his eye, not sure which of them is more apprehensive.

“Are you sure about this?”

“No. But it’s the best option, isn’t it? At least this way, I’m getting to decide how I recover. I’m ready.”

Shiro nods weakly and releases Matt’s shoulders. Matt holds on to Shiro’s wrists for another moment. When he lets go and presses his hands against the sides of the cryopod for balance, he offers a soft, shaky smile.

“See you in a couple days.”

Shiro hits a button and the cryopod whooshes closed. Panic flashes across Matt’s face, and then the castle has put him to sleep. Shiro swallows hard and places a hand against the glass-like surface of the cryopod with a sigh.

“Yeah. You too, Mattie.”

He doesn’t know how long he stands there wishing that Matt had been okay when they found them. Eventually, he sits on the floor with his back against Matt’s cryopod and his long legs sprawled in front of him. His muscles are screaming exhaustion and his eyes are burning, but Shiro can’t even think about sleeping. His mind is lightyears away, trapped on earth eleven years in the past.

-------------------

“Shirogane, Takashi, pilot. Holt, Matthew, extraterrestrial biology.”

Shiro doesn’t hear the other name that is called for the top three. He’s too busy looking around for the biologist. He knows the name Holt- Captain Samuel Holt has written several papers that Shiro has read. But without knowing what this Matthew Holt looks like, Shiro has no change of finding him. The name sticks in his head for the rest of class, until he manages to get out in the hall and find a crowd of people just outside the classroom.

“What’s going on?”

“They posted our simulation teams. We get to start working next week, and we’re with them for the rest of the year.”

Shiro frowns. He’s at the top of his class, how did he not know that teams were being posted today? A hesitant tap on his shoulder makes him turn away from the commotion. He finds himself staring at a boy with unruly blonde hair and wide brown eyes. His round glasses make his eyes seem bigger than they are. He’s short- the top of his head barely reaches Shiro’s shoulder.

“You’re Shirogane, right?”

“Yeah…?”

The boy thrusts out his hand with a grin. “Matt Holt. I’m your communications officer. What class pilot are you?”

Shiro shakes Matt’s hand hesitantly, unable to stop staring. “Exploration. You’re in my history class.”

Matt beams. “You actually listened to the rankings, huh? I’ve heard that you’re always top of your class.”

“I… who told you that?”

“Lotsa people. I don’t really know anyone's names yet.”

Shiro’s brow creases in confusion. “I thought Professor Sanchez said you were extraterrestrial biology.”

“Oh, yeah, I am. I’m in communications, too, though. I wasn’t old enough to apply for the Garrison, and I didn’t want my dad’s help, so I tested in. But my classes were too easy so I added a major.”

Shiro can’t resist a grin. Matt’s attitude is infectious. “So how old are you, then?”

“Fourteen! Well, almost. I will be next week. Why, how old are you?”

“…Sixteen.”

“Oh.” For a brief moment, Matt seems intimidated, but then he snaps back into a smile. “Hey, that’s cool! I bet you’ve had to read some of my dad’s stuff for class, then.”

“Is your father Captain Holt?”

“For sure! He’s on track to be Commander, I think. Wanna meet him? I don’t think he’s left for home yet!”

------------------

Thump. Thump thump thump.

“Shiro! Wake up!”

Thump. Thump thump.

“Takashi, I know you’re a light sleeper, let me in!”

Shiro squints at his alarm clock and groans. 1:23 am. He pushes his way out of bed and stumbles over to the door, opening it just before Matt can start knocking again. He scrubs at his eyes with a yawn.

“Matt? What’s going on?”

“I need your help. Can I come in?”

Shiro nods, wondering what Matt could possibly need help with so early in the morning. But then Matt steps forward and Shiro snaps into alertness.

“Matt. What is that?”

The little girl wipes her nose with the sleeve of her over-large pajama shirt and blinks up at Shiro with wide brown eyes. Matt tugs her inside and closes the door.

“My sister,” he whispers. Shiro hears him swear as he stubs his toe, and then the desk lamp clicks on. The little girl is still watching Shiro with a gaze far too intense for someone her size.

“Why is she in my room?”

“Uh… I’m not exactly meant to have her on Garrison property.”

“How did she get here?”

“I might have snuck her out of my parent’s hotel room. There was some new equipment in the computer lab that I just had to show her, but we almost got caught by a guard when we left.”

“Matt, why are you showing her Garrison tech in the first place? She’s like six!”

“I’m five.”

Shiro looks down at the little girl. Her sleeves are way too long and her shorts hang past her knees. She looks incredibly proud of herself for speaking.

“I’m five, and Dad says I can come to school here when I’m big like Mattie. I know how to find Mars.”

Matt is smiling wider than Shiro’s ever seen. “She’s a genius, Takashi. She loves it here.”

The girl adopts an expression that is nearly identical to Matt’s when he decides he wants to be stubborn. “Mattie, I want to show him Mars.” She looks at Shiro and, in complete seriousness, informs him that “It’s red.”

Shiro looks between Matt and the little girl and shakes his head with a sigh. It’s only been a month and a half and he already knows this family is going to be the death of him. “Tell you what,” he says, kneeling in front of her, “Why don’t you show me Mars on another night? See, we gotta get some rest so we can get you out of here in the morning without being caught. If you help us with that, you can show me everything you know. I bet you know a lot.”

The little girl breaks into a toothy grin. “I know about Venus and Jupiter! And I’m learning the constellations. My favorite is Pavo cause Mattie says it’s named about peacocks and I like birds. He calls me Pidgey, but that’s not a real bird, it’s a Pokémon, and my name is Katie. Mattie says you can teach me about Pavo.”

Matt is watching them with a warm smile, his face practically glowing with pride. Shiro can’t help but laugh a little.

“Hey, Katie? I’m starting to think you might know more than I do. Will you do my homework for me?”

Katie screws up her face to think. “My teacher says I have to stop drawing constellations on my homework. Can I draw them on yours?”

“Sure.”

“Cool! Hear that, Mattie? I’m gonna draw Pavo! And Mars, too.”

Matt laughs quietly. “How’s about we do that in the morning, Pidgey? I gotta find a place to hide you until then.”

Shiro looks over his shoulder at Matt in confusion. “It’s almost two in the morning, Matt, there’s no way you’ll be able to get her back off Garrison property. And your room is the first place they’ll look for her.”

“I was thinking that maybe I could-”

“Stay here,” Shiro interrupts quietly. “I have extra blankets, I can sleep on the floor.”

“Takashi, I’m not going to kick you out of your bed.”

“Well I’m not letting you sleep on the floor. That’s not fair.”

A small yawn cuts through their hushed argument. They both look to Katie. She’s still very obviously excited about space, but it’s nearly 2 am and she’s five. She isn’t made to stay up this late. A short discussion later, with insistence from Katie, all three of them are squeezed onto Shiro’s bed. Shiro is trapped between Matt and the wall, and Katie has sprawled out so much that Matt is forced to press himself close to Shiro.

“Sorry,” he whispers, his breath hot on Shiro’s neck. “I forgot she does that.”

“It’s fine. We can make it work.”

But Shiro’s arm is already going numb and he knows he won’t be able to fall asleep like this. Matt seems to realize it. Before Shiro can even ask, Matt is shifting so he’s closer to Shiro and Shiro is able to adjust his arms. A few moments of shuffling end in Matt wrapped in Shiro’s arms and pressed against his chest. Shiro thinks his heart might beat out his chest.

“Is this okay?”

Katie kicks in her sleep and rolls over onto her stomach. Matt smiles against Shiro’s collarbone.

“Yeah. Thanks, Takashi.”

-------------------

The sound of approaching footsteps draws Shiro out of his thoughts. He pushes himself into a more upright position against the cryopod with a sharp intake of breath. He blinks hard a few times, trying to ignore the way his eyes struggle to stay closed. The footsteps stop just to the left of where Shiro is sitting.

“Have you been here all night?”

Shiro turns to look at Allura slowly, still trying to grasp on to his memories. He can’t find it in himself to nod. Every time he moves, his body protests. He doesn’t know what time it is or how long it’s been since he’s slept.

“Everyone else is heading to breakfast. You should join us.”

Oh. Over twenty-four hours, then. Shiro doesn’t bother replying. He blinks up at her and Allura sighs. He looks hollowed out and fatigued.

“Shiro, you need to come get something to eat and then go to bed. You cannot burn yourself out like this.”

“No. No, I’m alright.”

Shiro’s voice is croaky. Allura takes a step closer and the expression on his face changes to pure dismay.

“Allura, no. I need to be here. Don’t make me leave.”

Allura sets her jaw stubbornly. “This is not healthy. What are the others going to say when they have to fight without you?”

Shiro manages to shake his head sadly. “I can’t go. I can’t leave him.”

Allura opens her mouth to tell him off, but the look he gives her is so pitiful that she can’t bring herself to say anything. They stare at each other in silence until Allura gives up and leaves the infirmary. Shiro groans and tilts his head back to rest it against the cryopod. He heaves a sigh and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. They burn and he forces them back open.

“What am I doing, Mattie? You don’t even remember who I am…”

It isn’t much longer before Keith walks in with a bowl of food goo and three water packets. He sets the bowl beside Shiro with two of the packets, then settles onto the floor where he has a good vantage point to see both Shiro and the cryopod. He pokes a straw into the water packet and begins sipping at it. He doesn’t speak until Shiro has done the same to one of the other two.

“Pidge woke up the whole castle last night, screaming bloody murder.”

Keith says it so calmly that Shiro doesn’t register what he’s said at first. Then, guilt floods his veins. Keith isn’t looking at Shiro, and Shiro is glad that he doesn’t see his expression. Keith sips at his water again.

“They wouldn’t let anyone come close to them. Lance got punched. Even Hunk almost got hit. Pidge wouldn’t say what was wrong, either. Just kept screaming and cursing your name until they started crying.”

Shiro starts to lower his water packet and Keith shoots him a look so deadly that he raises it to his lips again. It does feel nice to drink- he hadn’t realized quite how dehydrated he was. Belatedly, he realizes that the bowl of food goo is also for him and he picks that up to eat a little bit.

“You kicked Pidge out because Matt was having a panic attack, right? I mean, he was with the Galra for like two years. It makes sense.”

Shiro nods reluctantly and Keith looks up at the cryopod in front of them.

“I thought so,” he says.

Shiro pauses for a moment before he swallows his bite of food goo, then washes it down with a sip of water from the packet. He watches Keith as he sets the bowl down and leans forward.

“What are you doing?”

“Talking.” Keith doesn’t even glance over to meet Shiro’s gaze. “Allura said you’ve been in here all night. I thought you could use some company.”

Shiro doesn’t know whether to thank Keith or scold him, so he doesn’t reply. Eventually, Keith shifts so he can stretch out his legs. He doesn’t take his eyes off the cryopod. Shiro watches him carefully, wondering what he could possibly be thinking about.

“If Pidge were older, they could be twins. Lance would get a kick out of that. The jokes would never stop.”

Shiro manages a weak smile. “Wouldn’t just be Lance, you know. Matt used to love making puns. Always completely serious about what he was saying, too. He would get so proud of himself whenever he made a pun, and he’d just stop and wait for you to realize what he’d done, and then he’d laugh about it for hours. The Kerberos mission was an endless void of space puns.”

Keith is smiling one of his tiny smiles, the kind that are barely there but convey the most emotion. “Maybe we should keep him away from Lance, then. Yesterday he told me he was reading a book about anti-gravity and it was impossible to put down.”

Shiro huffs a quiet laugh. “Yeah, they can’t be allowed to socialize.”

Silence falls again, easier this time, and the two paladins sit comfortably for a while. Shiro finishes his food goo and both water packets. He realizes he feels more awake after he’s eaten, even if his body is still urging him to sleep. The door to the infirmary slams open, making them both flinch. Keith scrambles to his feet at the sight of Lance, doubled over and panting.

“Lance, what-”

“Run,” Lance wheezes, clutching at his chest.

Before they can ask what he means, the door flies open again, this time revealing a very angry and disheveled Pidge. Their hair is a mess, their clothes are rumpled, and their eyes are red-rimmed from crying themselves to sleep.

“Out.”

Lance doesn’t need to be told twice. He scrambles his way back out of the infirmary as if being in there with Pidge is the last thing he ever wants to do. Keith gets the hint and stays as far away from Pidge as he can on his way out the door, pausing only to glance back at Shiro with a pitying expression. Pidge stomps over to stand in front of Shiro, green lion slippers taking nothing away from their intimidating appearance. Shiro winces internally, knowing he’s brought this on himself. Pidge’s voice is practically a growl, low and dangerous.

“We need to talk.”

Chapter Text

Shiro has been around the Holt siblings long enough to know that he’s better off keeping quiet while Pidge rants. He interrupted Matt once and got the silent treatment for a week. Pidge stands in front of where Shiro is sitting with his back against Matt’s cryopod, their arms folded over their chest. It takes a while for the trademark monologue to begin, and Pidge only starts after making a frustrated noise in the back of their throat.

“You had no right to lock me out of the medical bay last night. Matt is my brother, Shiro. My family, not yours. Just because you found him doesn’t mean you own him. You don’t get to decide what’s best for Matt! You got to spend years with him and now you’re trying to keep me away! You do not get to tell me when I can see my own brother, Shiro, not when you’re the one that lost him in the first place!”

Shiro’s gut clenches. “What?”

“You heard me!” Pidge yells, their voice cracking a little under the stress. “You lost him to the Galra and now you’re making sure I can’t see him while he’s awake. I told you I wanted to stay with him and you wouldn’t let me. You ignored me! I don’t care if you were friends, Shiro, you’re not his family. You have no right to stay by his side while you force me to wait until he’s in a cryopod. I haven’t seen him in three years. I don’t want to look at him through a screen anymore, it isn’t fair.”

Shiro’s tired mind struggles to input what he’s just heard. Pidge had started off in a rage, but now they just seem… hurt. Stressed out. Upset. Shiro sighs softly.

“I’m sorry, Pidge. I didn’t mean to push you away from Matt.”

“But you did.”

“You’re right. I can apologize and I can explain why I did it, but that won’t make it right.”

Some of Pidge’s fight leaves them. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re really just lonely. They sit beside Shiro and tuck their legs against their chest so they can rest their chin on their knees. Pidge doesn’t look at Shiro, but glares at the far wall.

“Why did you do it, then?”

“I thought I was protecting you,” Shiro says. He drags a hand across his face, trying to ignore how sluggish he feels. “Matt was going to have a panic attack.”

“So what? Those aren’t so bad to see. I could have helped him.”

“It’s not- Pidge, this is different. Being a prisoner of the Galra, it… it does things to you. To the way you think. Once you’re free, you can’t just go back to the way things were. The best way to describe it is something similar to PTSD.”

Pidge frowns. “But you were fine. I mean, you had a couple odd moments, but you were okay.”

Shiro knows he should tell Pidge the truth- that he was never alright, that it was all just an act- but he nods instead. “Mostly, yeah. I couldn’t guarantee that Matt would be, though. And these type of panic attacks, they’re… ugly. There’s screaming and crying, violence and wishing you were dead just so the pain and fear will stop. They’re traumatizing. I didn’t know how Matt was going to react, and I didn’t want you seeing it if things went downhill.”

Pidge stays quiet for a while to absorb this new insight. Eventually, they sigh. “I’m still mad at you.”

Shiro smiles, just barely. Pidge is going to be upset for a while, and that’s okay. Emotions run high when you’re fifteen, especially when you’re trapped with the same six people at any given time. Even so, what they said sticks with Shiro. He is the reason Matt is missing a leg, and he is the reason why Matt transferred Galra ships. He isn’t family- he lost that chance years ago. He had come close to being family, though, very close… Shiro shifts so he had a better view of Pidge. His heart is thundering and his palms are sweaty- he’s about to destroy nearly five years of hard work, and he isn’t sure he’s ever been more nervous.

“Pidge, I… there’s something I need to tell you.” Shiro draws a deep breath to steady himself, missing the way Pidge lifts their head to watch him. “I’m gay.”

Pidge blinks. “Yeah…? Didn’t you tell my mom that when I was, like, seven?”

Normally their blunt nature would make Shiro laugh. But now, he can’t even muster a smile. “She was the first person I ever told. She helped me come out to Matt. He was my best friend.”

“I know. He talked about you all the time. I remember hiding in your closet at the Garrison ‘cause Matt had nowhere else to put me. You used to teach me about stars.” Shiro manages a puff of breath that might have been a chuckle if he were more awake and less anxious. Pidge levels him with one of their too-wise gazes. “I don’t understand why you’re telling me this, though. I mean, I already know.”

“Yes, well… Matt and I weren’t entirely truthful with you, Pidge.”

“What do you mean?”

“We weren’t just friends. A few months before graduation, Matt and I started dating. I wasn’t part of your family, but Matt wanted me to be. We- we wanted to get married, some day.”

Silence falls as Pidge processes this. Shiro’s anxiety grows the longer Pidge stays quiet. It had been Matt’s request not to tell his family right away, and Shiro hadn’t quite understood why he would be afraid, but the prolonged hush is disquieting. Finally, it seems to click.

“Wait… what?!”

“We were dating wh-”

“No, no, I get it, I just… what? I thought Matt stopped talking about his crush on you because he moved on. I mean, he never realized he had a crush on you, but the way he talked, it was obvious, y’know? I was eight, I was watching a lot of Disney movies and he sounded like a lovesick princess, damn it! But I thought he decided you were friends and that’s why he stopped. How did I not know that you were dating?!”

“We were going to tell you, Pidge. You first, and then your parents.”

Pidge frowns. Now that they’re getting over the initial shock, confusion is setting in. “Why didn’t you? Tell us, I mean. That’s like an entire year that we didn’t know.”

“Almost two years, actually. At first, we kept it a secret because we were still at the Garrison. Then, because Matt hadn’t come out as bisexual yet. We decided that we would tell you both things at once, but… we got assigned to Kerberos. Everything was so hectic during preparations that it never felt like the right time to bring it up.”

“… I’m sorry I yelled at you, Shiro. I didn’t even think that this might be hard for you, too.”

Shiro smiles bitterly, biting back disappointment. “It’s alright. None of that matters now, so it really doesn’t make a difference what you say when you’re upset. He doesn’t remember me.”

Pidge’s eyes widen. They’ve never seen Shiro look so depressed. He seems faded, worn down and torn at the seams. It’s awful.

“What do you mean, he doesn’t remember?”

“The Galra, they- they blocked his memory. They did the same thing to me, but… Matt lost more. He knows we were in the same class at the Garrison, but he doesn’t- he doesn’t know about us. Not that we were friends, or that we made each other better people, or that we- we were... w-we...”

He trails off into silence, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows several times. His lips move wordlessly until he makes a choking noise and clenches his jaw. His knuckles are white as he presses his hands together and his leg starts tapping. Pidge can’t think of anything to say. Shiro reminds them of home, of the way their mother had reacted to the news of the Kerberos crew going missing. The thought that her family might never come home, that her husband might be dead, that she might never see her son or Shiro again. It was hard to watch, and every time that Pidge hacked into the Garrison, their mother only got more upset. So Pidge left.

They don’t have the option to leave, here. There’s no place to run from your problems when you’re on a castle ship in the middle of space. Finally, Pidge scoots closer to where Shiro is sitting so they can wrap their arms around his waist in a tight hug.

“Shiro?”

“Yeah, Pidge?”

“You would have been a good addition to our family. If Matt was willing to lie to us so he could keep you, he must have loved you a lot.”

“I’m sorry I ever lied to you. You deserved to know about Matt and I.”

“I shoulda figured it out, though. I guess I was too busy building computers to realize my own brother had a boyfriend. I’m not the best person to be family with.”

“No one ever is, Pidge.”

They sit in front of Matt’s cryopod for a while, just taking comfort in each other’s presence. It isn’t long before Pidge’s stomach growls and Shiro stifles a yawn while insisting that Pidge go get themselves some food goo. Pidge pauses in the doorway to tell Shiro that he should sleep, but they don’t ask him to leave the cryopod. After nearly an hour of baring their souls to each other, Shiro and Pidge are both emotionally drained. Shiro is glad that Pidge doesn’t tell him that he would rest better away from the cryopod.

No matter how hard Shiro tries to stay awake, the day drags on and leaves him weary. Pidge stops in throughout the day to give him food and talk more, but mostly they just stare at Matt’s cryopod. None of the other paladins enter the infirmary, preferring to give Shiro and Pidge their space. Eventually, Pidge rises to their feet after a long story about Matt and the Holt family dog, Pavo (named by Pidge, age 6) so that they can go eat dinner with the rest of the paladins. Shortly after they leave, Shiro falls asleep, still resting against the cryopod. He doesn’t realize he’s dreaming until everything goes wrong.

-----------------

“Takashi!”

Shiro turns to face the source of the voice and breaks into a smile. He doesn’t have time to brace himself before Matt is slamming into him and they nearly fall to the ground, laughing in each other’s embrace.

“Hey, Mattie.”

“Long time no see, huh?”

“It’s only been two weeks.”

“But that was two weeks without my best friend!”

Shiro shakes his head fondly and takes a step back from Matt, his hand lingering maybe a little too long on the other cadet’s shoulder. Matt glances back to where his family is waiting, Katie straining to get free from her mother’s hold on her wrist. Shiro grins. Matt grabs his arm and pulls him over.

“Mom, this is Takashi.”

Mrs. Holt smiles and switches her grasp on Katie so she can extend a hand for Shiro to shake. “It’s very nice to meet you, Takashi, we’ve heard so much about you from Matt and Katie both.”

Shiro nods politely. “Thank you, ma’am. It is nice to meet you as well.”

Matt punches his shoulder lightly. “C’mon, Takashi, you don’t need to be ‘Shirogane, ace pilot’ around here. It’s my family. You know Dad and Pidgey, and obviously Mom is cool.”

“Taaaaaaaaakashiiiiiii,” Katie whines, staring up at him with wide brown eyes and an insistent pout. “I want you to come eat with us.”

Shiro’s lips twitch into an almost-smile. As much as he likes Katie and Matt, he’s still not sure how to feel about their parents. By nature, Shiro is solitary- his dedication to his studies has not helped that fact at the Garrison. Before Matt, Shiro could easily have said he had no friends. Even now that Matt has eased him into being more social, Shiro is uncomfortable around people. But Mrs. Holt gives him a warm smile and nudges her husband in the side.

“Takashi, why don’t you come along?” She slips her hand into Samuel’s and gently tugs Katie away from the two boys. “We’ll go wait in the car while you and Matt talk about it.”

Matt waits for his family to walk out of earshot before he places his hand on Shiro’s forearm. “You don’t have to come to dinner if you don’t want to. I think it’ll be fun, though! It’s Pidgey’s turn to pick where we eat, so we’ll probably end up at an Italian place. She likes garlic bread. And we’re gonna get ice cream after, cause Pidgey is gonna want peanut butter and the Italian place won’t have it.”

Shiro grins. “That does sound like Katie. When am I going to have to start helping you hide her again?”

Matt shrugs, and something about the action makes Shiro’s smile fall away. “I don’t know if I’ll even bring her back.”

Shiro wants to laugh but can’t. “Did you get in trouble over break or something? I heard we got a new telescope, won’t she want to see that?”

“Oh, yeah, she will, but… I don’t think I trust keeping her in your room.”

“W-what?”

“Well, after you left me to die, I’m really not sure I want to let you take care of my sister.”

Shiro steps back from Matt, who crosses his arms. He’s frowning, brown eyes angry. “You made sure that I wouldn’t go in that arena, but you broke me in the process.”

“Mattie, I… what are you talking about?”

The lighting around them changes, fades into a nauseating purple. The Garrison parking lot becomes a Galra ship, and a cell door slams behind Shiro. Matt limps forward on a shining prosthetic leg. He’s not wearing his cadet uniform anymore, but a prisoner’s clothing. His glasses are gone.

“You left me defenseless, Takashi. You promised me that you weren’t going to leave and then you abandoned me.”

Fear floods Shiro’s veins. He stumbles back from Matt, whose eyes begin to glow yellow. “N-no, Mattie, I didn’t, I promise, they took you away, I-”

“They call you Champion, but I know better. You’re a lying child who hides behind a mask of intelligence, Shirogane. You are not a fighter. You’re not even a person. You’re a monster.”

Shiro stumbles back until he hits a wall and sinks to the floor. He curls into a ball, begging Matt to stop, hiding his face with his hands so he doesn’t have to see the creature approaching him. Matt drags his arms down and forces his chin up so Shiro must look into his bloody face.

“You think that if you don’t tell anyone about the things you’ve done, they will see you as someone to be trusted. You are not a leader. You do not deserve their trust. You lie to their faces and hide so that they cannot see you crumbling under the weight of your folly. You will get them killed, one day. You will watch them all die, one by one, picked off by the things you struggle to keep from them.”

“M-Mattie, please, p-please…”

“Mattie? This human body you have thrown to the wolves? You think he loves you still. I can tell you something, Shirogane. He never did love you. No one does. A creature like you is not worthy of love.”

Chapter Text

“Do you think he’s still alive?”

“Lance!”

“What? It’s an honest question, Hunk. He’s been in there for, like, two whole days.”

“Allura said everyone heals differently.”

“But Pidge and Shiro are both miserable.”

“Yeah. Shiro seems a little better than Pidge, though.”

“That’s because Pidge is ready to literally murder anyone who tells them to be patient, and Shiro still hasn’t left his room. He’s been in there since Allura forced him out of here.”

“I think he’s sleeping still.”

A few moments of silence pass.

“Hey, Lance?”

“What?”

“Why do you think Shiro cares so much?”

“Pidge, it’s time to eat. Coran sent me to get you.”

Quiet, then sniffling.

“Pidge?”

Another sniffle.

“Where are you?”

A hushed, shaking breath.

“Pidge, what- are you hurt?”

“… No.”

“Why are you hiding?”

“I- I’m not. You guys can eat without me.”

Clothing rustles, then more sniffing.

“You don’t need to sit with me, Keith.”

“I want to.”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“You’re going to miss dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Coran will be upset.”

“He’ll live. Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“Why you’re upset.”

“Oh. Uh… no.”

“Hey, Mattie. I know you can’t hear me, but I need to get this off my chest. It’s not your fault you don’t remember. I don’t expect you to. I know it’s going to be hard on you. I’m sorry I won’t be able to help with that. I just… I miss you. I never wanted to leave you. I was worried I’d never see you again, but I never considered that the Galra might try to break you. I wish I could have gotten to you sooner. It’s okay if you never forgive me, Mattie. I understand. But please don’t hate me. I don’t think I can handle that. You’re everything to me. I don’t want you to feel like you have to feel the same. I know that rebuilding your memory might change the way you think about me. You’ll always be my best friend, Mattie, I’ll never forget that. I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I-”

“Shiro? Are you in here?”

“Ah, coming! One moment!”

The warmth of a hand against glass fades in time with the retreating footsteps.

“I don’t understand. Some of the others seemed more gravely injured, and they’re all out already.”

“You said it yourself, Princess, everyone heals at different rates.”

“Yes, Coran, but it has nearly been six days. The cryopod’s screen indicates that he should have released by now. Could it be broken?”

“Oh, I doubt it. We could have the mice check the wiring, but I’ve kept them all spectacularly cleaned. In fact, this specific cryopod had a perfect scan just before we last left base.”

“Well, Pidge is not putting full effort into their training, and even Shiro seems distracted. We haven’t looked for more places to attack the Galra, either. I feel that we are losing time.”

“More time than we lost while recovering? This is important to them, Allura. Especially Pidge. I think they all deserve the break. You do, too. We’ve been working hard lately. But… I suppose we could alter the settings of Matthew’s cryopod and see if that would do anything to speed his healing.”

A sigh and the click of high heels. “No, leave it. I don’t want to run the risk of breaking the pod or hurting Matthew. Surely it won’t be much longer for him to wake.”

“Staring isn’t going to make it happen faster, you know.”

“Says the man doing the exact same thing I am.”

“Respect your elders, Pidge.”

“Shut the fuck up, Lance! Shiro is not my elder.”

“He’s literally like a decade older than you.”

“Not helping, Hunk.”

“I mean, jus’ sayin’.”

“Hunk, don’t antagonize Pidge.”

“Wait but isn’t that what you were just doing?”

“No.”

“…I’m gonna go train.”

“Yes! I beat out Keith! I knew if I could just stand here long enough I would!”

“Lance?”

“Yeah.”

“Shut the hell up.”

“Okay.”

Two sets of footsteps retreat.

“Hey, wait for me!”

Larger, louder footfalls hurry after. A quiet pair doesn’t make it far before stopping.

“Pidge? You coming?”

“No. I’m gonna wait.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yup.”

“Do you want company?”

“No, I’m alright. Thanks, Shiro.”

A beat of silence, then the quiet feet keep walking. Seconds pass. Minutes. Hours, maybe. A small spot of warmth settles on the glass. It’s followed by the rustling of cloth and a small sigh.

“I’m not leaving your side, okay? But… I’m gonna take a nap, I think. I’ll be right here.”

Soft breaths settle into a slow pattern, then even out. The warmth slides lower, lower, until it is gone. Then, it returns, gentle and accidental, an act of the unconscious. The quiet touch of someone dearly beloved.

There comes the sound of distant whirring, and then a beep. A pneumatic hiss. The rush of cooler air. Matt barely has time to blink before he’s losing his balance and toppling forward. The resulting thud startles Pidge awake. They jerk upright and fumble for their glasses before they realize that the warm weight draped over their feet is their brother. They scramble to push him off so they can pull him into a sitting position.

“Matt? Mattie, can you hear me?”

Matt’s hands are clenched into fists, with his fingernails digging into his palms as his knuckles go white. He’s breathing heavily through his nose, but he nods. Pidge isn’t sure if they should let go of him or hold tighter, so they don’t move for a while. Matt’s fingers close around their wrist.

“K-Katie…”

“I’m here.”

“Where am I?”

“Um… how specific of an answer do you want?”

“One that explains what all these blurry things are.”

Pidge makes a face that could easily be either amusement or dismay. “We’re in the infirmary right now, on the floor. Those are all empty cryopods.”

Matt frowns. “They were full when Shiroga- when Shiro brought me here. What happened?”

“All the others healed and were released.”

“How long has it been?”

Pidge hesitates. This is what Shiro had warned them about. They chew their lip. “Eight days…”

Matt nods, but he’s pale. He looks like he might puke. “Right. Okay.”

“Matt-”

“I’m okay, Pidgey. Maybe we could get some food, though?”

“O-okay. I’ll take you to the kitchen, if you want.”

“That sounds good.” Matt shifts so his foot is braced on the floor, then reaches blindly for Pidge’s hands. “Help me up?”

It takes an odd amount of shuffling for Pidge to pull Matt upright and sling his arm around their shoulders. The pair of them make their way through the halls slowly, Matt hobbling awkwardly the entire way. When they finally reach the kitchen, Pidge fumbles to open the door, then struggles to deposit Matt into a chair. They straighten back up after adjusting Matt into a more comfortable position, huffing as they brush hair from their face.

“I’m gonna build you a leg. You need to be able to get around on your own. I can probably use Shiro’s arm as a reference.”

Matt watches Pidge bustle over to the counter and pull out silverware and two bowls. He shakes his head slightly. “You’re still building stuff, huh? You should tell me about what you’ve been working on.”

Pidge shrugs as they squirt some food goo into the bowls. “Mostly I just make modifications to the lions. There’s a lot of stuff I want to get my hands on here in the castle, but Coran doesn’t let me touch it without supervision. And Shiro never lets me get close enough to his arm unless I’m repairing it, but that only takes a few minutes and I don’t get enough time to take notes. Here, eat this.”

Matt squints at the bowl Pidge sets in front of him and grimaces. “What… is it…?”

“Food goo. That’s what we call it, at least. It’s all we have that doesn’t take ages to cook. You’ll get used to it.”

Matt makes a face after his first bite, but keeps eating. “Thanks, Katie. By the way, when did you start wearing glasses?”

“When I became Pidge. You left your glasses at home before you went to Kerberos, and they made my disguise better. Except I kinda ruined my eyesight because I wore them when I didn’t need them, and now I actually need them. Hunk, Coran, and I came up with a way to update the lenses when I need to. It’s pretty cool. I bet we could get some stuff and make you a new pair of glasses.”

“It would be kinda nice to be able to see things again. I have gotten used to blurry shapes, though.”

Pidge rolls their eyes. “I’ll work on it later.”

The siblings sit in silence for a while. After Matt finishes his first bowl of food goo, Pidge slides the second over to him and fetches a water packet. Matt eyes it warily. “So what happened while I was out? I… don’t want to miss anything. I need to start remembering stuff.”

The comment irks Pidge, but they don’t mention it. This isn’t about them. “Um.” Pidge shifts in their seat, pulling one leg up on the chair and leaning against the back rest. “Well, it took about a day to fly back to base. We’ve been trying to use less wormholes so that when we do need a quick escape, there isn’t a pattern to the energy signatures left behind. Then we spent a couple days getting the refugees sorted out and helping them find their families, if they had any. We haven’t really done much else except train. Keith, of course, is thrilled, and so is Allura, but sometimes I just wish we could go explore or something. We’ve been camping out on this planet for months, and I don’t even know what’s on the other side of the forest at the top of the hill. Can you believe that?”

“There are trees here?”

“Yeah. Well, kinda. There are tons of planets similar to Earth, but they aren’t really the same. Like, we found this one that had these cool flowers, and Lance almost cried, you know? He’s a sap. So anyway, we get off the ship and Lance, like, sprints towards this field of wildflowers before Allura and Coran can tell him not to. Then, right as he’s about to run into the field, one of the flowers uproots itself and starts walking toward him. He screams, turns too fast for his feet to keep up, and eats shit. I swear it was-”

“Katie!”

Pidge freezes with one hand in the air, eyes wide. “What?”

“Did you just say what I think you said?”

“…. Walking flowers…?”

“Don’t play games with me, Katie. You kiss Mom with that mouth?”

Pidge blinks. A moment passes. And they start laughing. Matt adopts an indignant expression and sets his spoon down.

“It’s not funny! You can’t be using that kind of language.”

“Matt, I’m fifteen. And we live in space! I don’t think anyone gives a flying fuck what I say around here.”

“Damn right you’re fifteen! Go get me some soap so I can wash your mouth out.”

“Oh, that’s rich coming from the one who got grounded at the age of twelve for telling his biology teacher that she was, and I quote, a ‘germ-filled doorknob in the basement level of a dusty fucking parking lot for a shitty performing arts center’.”

“She told me that dissection was for high school students only and that using a microscope to examine the microbes in a frog’s stomach was inappropriate.”

“And that’s good enough reason for you to get to cuss at twelve, but I can’t cuss at fifteen? Hypocrite.”

“Need I repeat to you the consequences of my actions, Pidgey?”

“Nah, I get to hear about it at every family get-together. You should be glad no one ever found out about you calling Iverson a dirty condom from a falsified family planning center.”

Matt pauses with his water packet halfway to his mouth. “I did what?”

“Yeah. During your senior year.”

“Why?”

“I think it was something to do with a faulty simulator and him wanting to fail Shiro’s flight test even though it was the machine that broke and there was no pilot error. I dunno, I heard this all second-hand from Shiro, and he was whispering so Mom wouldn’t hear. Cause, you know, she always thought he was a good influence on us.”

“Huh. Was he?”

Pidge shrugs. “Not really. Probably a better role model than you, though, he only ever swore when there were no adults around. And he always made a plan for sneaking around, whereas you always took things as they came. He talked you out of a lot of detentions. And hid me in his closet, like, tons of times because you had nowhere else figured out.”

“So… he was around us a lot?”

“Well, yeah. I don’t know anything about his family, but I remember when I was six, you had this huge yelling match with Mom. I wouldn’t call it a fight, really, cause she wasn’t mad or anything, but you ranted for forever and then Shiro came home with you during the next family weekend. He spent pretty much every break with us, and almost all the holidays, too.”

“Almost all?”

“He stayed with his aunt and uncle, sometimes. You guys got an apartment together after graduation to save on bills, but-”

Pidge cuts off with a gasp and a frustrated noise. Matt’s brow creases.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing. I just… I realized something four years late and I’m really mad I didn’t figure it out when it happened. I can’t believe Shiro lied to me. I can’t believe I didn’t know he was lying! That wasn’t saving money at all!”

“…. What?”

“Not important, Mattie. Anyway, you had this apartment, right, but we never got to visit before you got assigned to Kerberos and Mom insisted that you move home so you wouldn’t be paying rent on an apartment that you wouldn’t even be able to live in. She made sure Shiro came to live with us, too.”

“What’s he like?”

“Shiro? He’s… weird. Kind of fatherly. Lance calls him Space Dad sometimes. Hunk’s started to pick that up, too. I can’t tell if Shiro hates it or loves it. He can be hard to read when he wants to be. And he’s a good leader- a great one, really. It’s just hard to always see him as my superior cause I grew up with him around. Like, I can’t get over the fact that he seems to know that Lance is about to say something stupid before he says it. I mean, it took him three months and two movie marathons to realize that when we called him a scruffy looking nerf-herder, it was from Star Wars.”

A smile ghosts over Matt’s lips. “He sounds like a good friend. I guess I’d know if I could remember.”

“You know, I bet he would tell you everything he knows if you asked him.”

Matt shrugs. “Pidgey, I-” He cuts off with a sigh, then gives Pidge a look that they aren’t sure how to interpret. “How about you tell me about everyone else? I’m gonna get stuck here with you all, aren’t I? I should be able to impress everyone with my knowledge of them when we meet.”

Pidge stays quiet a little longer, still trying to figure out Matt’s hesitation, then huffs a breath. “This might take a while.”

Chapter Text

“No. No way.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, Hunk. No wheels.”

Hunk shrugs and swipes his hand through the air. The image floating in front of him disappears. Matt bites the inside of his cheek to keep from reacting to it again. This technology is incredible. An hour ago, he had been in the kitchen with Pidge, and now he’s watching as Pidge and Hunk play with invisible computer screens to make a rudimentary design for a prosthetic leg. Pidge is laughing too hard to help at the moment though, clutching their sides and trying not to snort.

“Hunk, why the hell would we put wheels into a leg? We aren’t making single-foot heelies!”

“Hey,” Hunk starts, now starting to giggle himself, “it was just a thought! You gotta admit, it would be kinda cool.”

Matt shakes his head. “I had heelies when I was a kid. There’s a scar behind one of my ears that says why I shouldn’t ever have wheels again.”

Pidge snorts, practically wheezing at this point. “Wait, wait, wait, is that the story Mom used to tell about how you built a ramp and got stabbed by a board when it broke?”

“Maybe. It was structurally sound, okay? Just… not for an eleven-year-old with heelies.”

Hunk rolls his eyes and starts another sketch on the floating computer screen. Matt watches as the rough shape of a leg appears once again, this time without tiny wheels on the foot. It takes a few minutes, but Pidge stops laughing enough to lean over and point at the design.

“Hey, look here. What if we put in a booster? If we could get Shiro to let us look at his arm together, we might be able to get this leg working similarly.”

Matt raises his eyebrows in slight surprise. “Pidgey, why do I need a booster? I just need to be able to walk on my own. As soon as those glasses you got Coran to make are done, I’ll be fine with a pair of crutches.”

Hunk stops drawing and looks between the siblings with a concerned expression as Pidge sucks in a breath of air and sits back against the couch. They shove hair back away from their face and shrug, expression calm but eyes on fire. They sigh pointedly.

“Come on, Matt, I’m not going to let you go around without any protection. That’s not right. We live in outer space, things get dangerous.”

“So what? I’m your big brother, I don’t need you to protect me. I should be the one looking out for you.”

“I can take care of myself. I’m a paladin.”

Matt waves his hands helplessly through the air with a frustrated noise. “I get that, I do, but can’t you even try to look at it from my perspective? I’m missing almost eight years of my memory. You aren’t exactly the little sister I remember, and it’s going to take some time for me to adjust to knowing I can’t be there for you like I should be able to be. I can’t just accept that you don’t need my help. You’ve got to stop worrying about me, it’s really weird.”

“I can’t stop!” Pidge nearly shouts, voice cracking a little. “It’s not like I’m going to turn you into a weapon or anything, I just want to give you a way to protect yourself when we aren’t around!”

“I don’t need that!”

“Yes, you do! What if they try to take you away again, huh? What am I gonna do then?”

“This isn’t about you, Katie!”

This isn’t about you. Pidge bites down on their lower lip and schools their expression into a mask of cold fury, trying and failing to rein in the flash of anger that darkens their vision. The atmosphere in the common room shifts abruptly. Hunk looks uncomfortable in his position halfway between the Holt siblings. When Pidge speaks again, the tone of their voice is biting.

“You’re right, Matt. This isn’t about me. This is about you. And that’s my point. You’ve spent three years away from earth and you don’t even remember it. Any of it. What’s that say about you if you don’t want to protect yourself from the people that stole your life?”

Matt clenches his jaw. “Katie, that’s not-”

“It’s not what? This isn’t right! You don’t even seem like you’re afraid of them, and you don’t want to let me help you. I don’t understand why you insist on throwing yourself back into danger. You don’t know how to fight.”

“You shouldn’t either! None of us should! We aren’t an army, we’re scientists. It’s not like I’m not terrified, I just refuse to stoop to that level. I am not going to resort to violence. That’s not the way I see the world. That’s not how Mom raised us!”

“Fuck what Mom said! She isn’t here, she can’t tell us how life is. It’s not like you’re taking the high road by not fighting, Matt, this is self-defense. If she knew what they did to you, she would want you to learn to fight, and you know it.”

“No, I don’t. Neither do you. You’re just a kid.”

“You don’t even know who I am anymore, Matt! I am not your baby sister anymore. My name is Pidge. I spent three years looking for you, trying to track you down, not knowing if you were alive or not. I had to watch my mother break down for months on end because she lost her family. You don’t know what we went through.”

Matt looks like he’s just been slapped. Pidge’s bottom lip is trembling now, and their eyes are filled with hot, angry tears.

“I knew that you were going to be different, but I didn’t think you would be so insensitive. You don’t even care that other people want to keep you alive. And you’re right- this is about you, not me. But you know the last time I heard that? A stranger was telling me that I wasn’t allowed to know about the circumstances of my own family’s disappearance. Because it wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about anybody. It was just a mistake, a pilot error that caused three people to go missing and possibly die. I thought when I got you back you would understand how it felt to be scared and out of the loop.”

“Katie, that’s-”

“No! I know you don’t want to fight, but what if you have to? What if you die? There are people here that love you, Matt, and it’s not fair to us that you don’t care. I know you don’t remember, but it isn’t fair. You can’t just not try to stay alive.”

Pidge leaps off the couch and storms from the room, leaving a disgruntled Matt and an uncomfortable Hunk behind them. Matt bites his tongue to hold back a harsh sigh. Hunk clears his throat awkwardly and swivels his screen towards the older man.

“S-so… we can work on this another time. But, uh, this is what I’ve got so far. It’s really just a hunk of metal at this point, but it’ll keep you from having to use crutches all the time. I broke my foot once and my armpits were bruised for weeks cause we couldn’t find crutches with enough padding.”

Matt gives Hunk a tentative smile. “Thanks. But I’ll be fine, really. I just… I don’t want to rely on getting carried around everywhere.”

Hunk nods. “We’ve got a thing in a room down the hall that builds stuff. It’s kinda like a 3D printer, I guess? We usually only use it to help make parts for repairs, but I could code it to cut up a pair of crutches. We can give them traction with this sponge stuff that’s in the materials bins, and wrap blankets or towels around the tops to pad them.”

The entire time Hunk is talking, he somehow manages to simultaneously sketch a design on the floating screen and wave his hands animatedly. He shows the drawing to Matt, who nods in tentative approval. Hunk babbles for another minute, then disappears to go get the set of crutches made.

Left alone for the first time, Matt can’t help but sink into the couch cushions with a frown. He resists the urge to run a hand through the hair he can feel tickling his neck. This place is… strange. Disorienting. Everything is so unearthly that he doesn’t want to let himself relax. The walls are white and the lights are blue, not black metal and pulsating purple, but they don’t feel safe. They don’t feel like home. He bites back a bitter sigh and tries to focus on better thoughts, but his argument with Pidge keeps replaying in his mind.

It’s not fair to us that you don’t care. Doesn’t he? Matt squints at the blurry shape of the far wall and swallows hard. He does care. Or… he wants to. But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t find it in himself to want to fight for his life. There isn’t anything to fight for here. This isn’t earth, and these aren’t people he knows. He’s surrounded by technology that he can’t understand, despite a life of studying microbiology with highly advanced systems. Not all aliens are cowering prisoners of the creatures called Galra. His little sister is eight years older and two feet taller than she should be, and she’s different. Everything is different. Matt sucks in a breath of air and tries to ignore the overwhelming feeling that he doesn’t belong here, that whatever this rescue started as, it has become a new form of imprisonment.

The door slides open with a slight whoosh, startling Matt from his thoughts with a violent flinch. He shakes it off with a nervous laugh and starts to tell Hunk he wasn’t expecting him back so soon, but the words die in his throat when he catches sight of Coran and his entire body feels like he’s been doused in ice water. The mustachioed alien is mid-ramble about Altean technology and how it meshes so well with human technology, but Matt isn’t following. He’s staring at Coran with wide eyes, grappling with his sanity as his blurry vision swims and the Altean advisor becomes a Galra soldier and then returns to normal.

“-don’t you agree?”

Matt winces, practically wheezing as he struggles to remember what Coran had been saying. “W-what?”

“Pidge? I said they’re very intelligent. They built the machine that created these lenses for you. The algorithms they came up with applied to human optometry and powered by Balmera crystals make an incredibly efficient form of medicine.”

Trying not to shake, Matt extends a hand to take the glasses that Coran is holding and examine them. “Uh, ye- yeah. Yeah, th-they do. Uhm… Thanks, Co-” Matt squeezes his eyes shut and grimaces, “Coran. Thank you.”

Coran moves like he’s going to sit beside Matt, and Matt’s heartbeat roars in his ears. Once again, he misses half of Coran’s sentence in the midst of failing not to panic. The door opens again and Matt practically melts with relief when he sees Hunk walking in with crutches in his hands. Coran’s attention is immediately diverted to Hunk’s creation, which gives Matt a moment to compose himself before Hunk addresses him.

“Hey, the glasses are done! Awesome. Have you tried them on yet?”

Matt shakes his head. Hunk shakes his head with a grin- or, at least, Matt thinks he does. Before Hunk can speak again, something starts beeping on Coran’s wrist and the alien claps his hands together.

“Right-o! Training time. Come along, Hunk, we’ll find the others and get started. Matthew, you should come watch when you’re feeling up to it.”

Matt doesn’t respond. Hunk sets the crutches beside him and starts to hurry after Coran. He pauses halfway to the door. “By the way, how tall are you? I measured those on myself and subtracted, like, five inches. Let me know if they don’t fit!”

And then he’s gone. After a few minutes of isolated silence, Matt finds it in himself to slide the glasses onto his face. He blinks a few times, eyes straining as they adjust to the sudden clarity. A wave of homesickness washes over Matt as he takes in his surroundings for the first time without a haze obscuring his perspective. They really aren’t anywhere close to Earth. It’s a while before he works up the courage to stand, and even that takes several minutes of shuffling adjustments. Finally, he manages to get the crutches tucked under his arms at an angle that he can leverage himself up onto his leg. He wavers as he shifts the crutches to a more comfortable position, then swings them forward cautiously to take a step. He nearly falls, but it works. Matt bites down on a grin.

He hasn’t used crutches since he was eleven, when he sprained his ankle three weeks after the Great Heelies Incident. Or maybe he has. He doesn’t remember. Matt hobbles around the room until he thinks he’s gotten a handle on the way the crutches swing and grip the floor. He makes his way to the door slowly and comes dangerously close to losing his balance when the door swishes open before he realizes that it works similarly to automatic doors back on earth.

The hallway stretching out in front of him nearly makes Matt turn around and return to the couch, but he steels himself and presses onward. The exploration is slow-going. Each door Matt comes to forces him to stop and fight the urge to run before he manages to open the rooms and look inside. Most of them are broom closets, though a few seem to be longer corridors.

Eventually, Matt makes it to a room that’s walled in glass and looks down on a large white arena. Thoughts of a Galra ship invade his mind, flashes of a tall man with black hair and the sensation of pain in a limb that’s no longer attached to his body. Matt shoves the thoughts away and steps closer to the glass. On another wall of the room he’s overlooking, he sees another wall of glass and Coran standing at a long counter. A computer terminal, perhaps, judging from the way he’s waving his gloved hands around and pressing buttons. Matt leans forward cautiously on his crutches, trying to peer down into the arena. Five figures dash about, twirling and slashing at things Matt can’t see. He frowns, squinting, and pushes his new glasses further up on the bridge of his nose.

“It’s a training sequence.”

“Jesus Christ on a biscuit!” Matt yelps, tottering dangerously as he flinches away from the window at the sound of a voice behind him. Shiro holds up his hands innocently in the doorway, watching Matt with a cautious expression as he clutches at his chest, crutch held tightly under his arm. “You got my heartbeat up like a prostitute in church on confession day.”

Shiro raises one eyebrow with a hesitant snicker. “Didn’t think I’d hear that one again. Sorry,” he says, taking a step forward, “I really didn’t mean to startle you. Just wondered why the door was open.”

Matt tilts his head to the side slightly and purses his lips in thought. “I thought… aren’t you meant to be down there with them?”

Shiro nods. “Technically. I did a long solo session this morning, so I skipped this one. Coran’s cool with it. They um- no one told me you were awake.”

Matt studies Shiro during the quiet that follows, trying to find something, anything, that would trigger his memory. But the striking white fluff of hair against shaved black sides does nothing. The splash of colored scar tissue across his nose and cheeks does nothing. The thick cords of muscle beneath dark clothing do nothing. The deep, dark, searching eyes do nothing. Matt shrugs sheepishly.

“It’s just been a couple hours. Kat- Pidge made me eat some weird green stuff and introduced me to Hunk and Coran. Got me new eyes and a way to move around.”

Shiro huffs what might be a sad attempt at laughter. “I thought for sure they’d try to give you wheels. Not a good idea after the Great Heelie Incident, though.”

“You know about that?”

“Um… yeah. Should… should I not mention things like that?”

“No, no, it’s fine… I think. It’s just that… w-well, it’s just… really strange having strangers know more about your life than you do.”

Shiro’s expression tightens, but Matt isn’t looking at him anymore. Despite every fiber of his being telling him to move forward, Shiro steps back.

“I can tell you about it, if you want. If, uh, if that’s not too presumptuous.”

Matt’s lips twitch into an almost-smile as he returns his gaze to Shiro. “I can safely say it won’t be the weirdest thing I’ve ever dealt with.”

Chapter Text

The next few weeks pass in an odd array of storytelling and awkward interactions for Matt. It’s hard to get time alone when the paladins aren’t training, because someone is always trying to talk to him. Even after fighting with Matt, Pidge wanted to be near him. It took them a few days to stop sounding angry when they spoke to Matt, despite staying by his side at every possible moment. He got a reprieve three days ago, however, when Shiro finally agreed to let Pidge, Hunk, and Coran study his arm. The three of them have been locked away ever since, presumably making and remaking plans for how best to power a cybernetic leg. Matt is glad for the space. He loves Pidge, and he’s slowly coming to terms with not calling them his sister, but he needs time alone to think. He needs time to sort out his thoughts.

On his worst days, Shiro is like a guardian angel. Matt doesn’t ever see him, but he hears his voice in halls and behind doors, shooing the others away, silently hiding Matt from the overwhelming exhaustion of socializing. Matt learns how to brush his hair from Allura, with both Shiro and Pidge in the room to help squash his anxiety at being around the alien princess. He hates the long hair, but he learns to tolerate it- Lance had offered to cut it, once, and Matt lost two hours to a panic attack. Even just the thought of sharp objects unnerves him. He notices, more than once, that Shiro avoids the more gruesome details of their imprisonment and casually skirts around the mention of violence. Matt wants to be grateful, but he can’t find it within himself. He lives in a state of constant fatigue.

Three days of quiet have been good for Matt. He’s finally managed to explore all of the castle, with the exception of the training deck, the control room, and the bedrooms. Being familiar with his surroundings is as unnerving as it is comforting. It means he’s adjusting and relearning how to be normal, but it also means he’s distancing himself from his already splintered ties to Earth. Matt spends most of his time in the common room when he isn’t wandering- he doesn’t feel quite as calm in other areas of the castle and he hates the room he’s been given.

He doesn’t realize he’s been staring at a blank wall until the door hisses open and Keith walks in, quietly crossing the room to sit on the opposite end of the couch from Matt. He doesn’t talk right away, and Matt realizes he appreciates the fact that Keith is quiet by nature. He’s not as draining as the Alteans or Lance.

“Where is everyone?” Matt finally asks, unable to stem his curiosity.

Keith just shrugs. “Pidge and Hunk are helping Coran convert crystal energy into self-replenishing quintessence. Apparently there’s something the Galra did to make that possible and that’s what powers Shiro’s arm. I’m not really a scientist, though, I’m just a pilot. Lance and Allura are talking battle plans.”

“Shouldn’t you be helping with that?”

“I don’t do planning. I take what I’m given as it comes to me and I work with that.”

Matt manages a small smile. “Instinctive flyer?”

“That’s one way to look at it, I guess.”

“Garrison officers used to get all pissy because Shiro wouldn’t do their training exercises.”

An interesting expression crosses Keith’s face, but Matt doesn’t register it before it’s gone again. Keith sounds bored when he speaks again. “They wanted me to tell you that we’re going to attack another Galra hub in a few days. We need to know if you’re coming along or if you’re staying with the refugees in the base camp.”

Matt’s brain short-circuits. Staying behind means losing contact with the only humans around and getting stuck with alien refugees for an indefinite amount of time, but tagging along means willingly trapping himself in the castle with the two people he’s least comfortable around while watching said humans put themselves in danger to fight the very creatures that enslaved him. There is no appealing option here. Matt is on the verge of losing himself when Keith stands up again.

“Sorry. I- uh… I’ll go get Shiro or something, I didn’t mean to… do… whatever that was.”

Matt shakes his head quickly, covering up the buzzing in his ears with a smile. “No, no, it’s fine,” he says, and pushes his glasses further up his nose. “I don’t have to answer immediately, right? I’ll, uh, let you know soon. You caught me off-guard and I want to think on it.”

Keith studies him for a moment, and nods. It isn’t until Keith’s been gone for a few minutes that Matt dares to let the smile drop from his lips. The white noise in his head crescendos until it breaks with a crash, leaving Matt to watch the blank wall once again. The progress of time escapes him. It could be minutes or hours or just small seconds before the door opens for a second time and a whirlwind of green and orange swoops in. Pidge plops onto the couch beside Matt and sprawls out in a manner that causes them to slide halfway off the cushions. Matt reins in his agitation and turns his gaze to Pidge for the first time in three days. He raises an eyebrow.

Pidge lets out a huff of breath and flails a hand through the air until Matt twines their fingers together. “Please tell me you haven’t eaten yet. Because I’m starving and everyone else is still busy.”

“I haven’t.”

“Awesome. Gimme a minute to die internally, then we can go eat.”

Matt makes an aborted sort of laugh. “Have you slept in the past three days, Pidgey?”

“Negative, ghost rider.”

Matt rolls his eyes and shakes his hand free of Pidge’s so he can pat their leg before dragging his crutches closer and shoving himself off the couch. “Come on, then, let’s get you some food goo so you can go to bed.”

Pidge groans and slides further down the couch until Matt pokes them with his left crutch. They snatch the foot of the crutch and give it a light tug, a halfhearted attempt to knock Matt off-balance. Matt prods them again and they slide the rest of the way to the floor before hopping up. The siblings jostle each other as they make their way to the kitchen, and Matt manages to knock Pidge into a wall before they kick gently at his crutches and he has to swing himself forward to avoid it. The playful fight culminates in Matt launching a water packet at the back of Pidge’s head as they fill a bowl with food goo.

“Lucky shot,” they grumble.

“It’s all instinctive,” Matt replies, and suddenly he realizes what Keith’s odd expression had meant. He stills, and Pidge manages to set out the rest of their meal before they realize something isn’t right.

“Are you okay?”

Matt watches as Pidge pulls out a chair and sits down. He shrugs, not quite sure how to answer at first. Then, “I think I remembered something.”

Pidge freezes with a spoonful of food goo halfway to their mouth. They lower it slowly with a frown. “Are you sure? No, don’t answer that, that was a stupid question. What did you remember?”

Matt presses his lips together and adopts a vacant expression before he replies. “An officer at the Garrison. I don’t know who, but… she complained to some of the higher-ups that Shiro refused to participate in training exercises. He didn’t need to- flying came natural to him. But she was awful about it. I… I think I called her a broken record. To her face. Oh… god, yeah, I did. Shit. I told her she was a broken record after I said she was a talentless failure of a woman.”

Matt buries his face in his hands with a groan. Pidge can’t resist a toothy grin. “Do you know what this means? You’re starting to remember things, Matt. You can remember!”

“I’m not sure I want to, anymore. I can’t believe I called my professor she was a failure.”

“I could tell you less risky stories. I know you like talking about life before you went to the Garrison because you still remember it, but… maybe hearing the stuff you don’t know about will help you.”

“You really think so?”

-----------------

“You really think so?”

“Of course, Takashi, don’t you trust me?”

“Not in the slightest.”

But Shiro is smiling. Katie rolls over so she can get a better look at him from her place on the floor between the couch and the television. Shiro only has eyes for Matt, who’s standing beside the entertainment center with a DVD case in his hands. Matt makes a pleading face and Shiro concedes the argument with a laugh and leans down to scoop Katie off the floor.

“Bedtime for you, little bird.”

“What? No! Not faaaair!”

“We let you stay up late enough already, and your parents will kill me if they find out I let Matt allow you to stay in the room while he watched a horror movie.”

Katie puts on her best pout and bats her eyes at Shiro. He shakes his head, so she whines a little and wraps her arms around his neck so he can’t set her back down.
“Pretty please, Takashi? I promise I’ll be quiet.”

“Nope. Your brother is a fiend, you know that? He insists on scary stuff, but I could probably let you stay up if he didn’t.”

“Maaaaaattttt, can I stay here?”

“Not a chance, Pidgey.” Matt sets the DVD beside the television and crosses the room to tickle his baby sister. The nine-year-old squirms with laughter until Shiro gently shoves his friend’s hands away.

“How come you don’t have a bedtime?”

Shiro adjusts his hold on Katie so he can walk without dropping her. “Because we have to stay awake so we can keep you out of trouble.”

“Hey!” Katie protests, brushing hair away from her face with both hands. “I’m not trouble.”

Matt snorts. “You almost set Mom’s new oven on fire last week. Might I remind you that you aren’t allowed to do chemical experiments for a month?”

Katie purses her lips as Shiro laughs. She wriggles in his arms a little so she can look over his shoulder at Matt as Shiro starts down the hall away from the living room. “That wasn’t my fault.”

“Tell that to the Easter ham.”

Shiro dumps Katie into her bed before she can reply, Matt hovering in the doorway behind them. Katie starts to open her mouth and Shiro covers her face with a blanket. She lets out a muffled ‘hey!’, so he pulls it back down and tucks it around her shoulders. He brushes hair away from her face and leans down to press a kiss to her forehead.

“That’s enough excitement for one night. Get some rest, okay? Goodnight, little bird.”

“Goodnight, Takashi. Goodnight, Mattie.”

“Sweet dreams, Pidgey.”

Katie smiles sweetly as Shiro steps out of her bedroom. Matt pulls the door behind him, leaving it open only a crack. Katie listens for their retreat to the living room so they can start their movie, but the sound never comes. Instead, there’s a few minutes of silence and then quiet whispers.

“You’re going to be a great dad one day.”

“I don’t think-”

“Don’t do that. Don’t undermine yourself. You trust me, right?”

“Not in the slightest.” But there is amusement in the warm tone of Shiro’s voice.

“We could have the best family.”

“We already do, Mattie. They live in this house.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But we have to get through graduation first.”

“Kashi…”

“Shh. Do you hear that? I think a certain someone is still awake.”

A soft sigh whooshes through the cracked door. “Katie, Mom is going to kill me if you don’t get a full eight hours of sleep!”

------------------

Pidge slurps at their water packet absently, their brow creasing as they finish the story. “I really shoulda put it together then, when I heard you talk about having a family. I guess I was young, though. But you got your apartment three months later, and you co-signed on it. Mom used to talk to Dad about it over breakfast, trying to figure out why you wouldn’t let us come see it. I should have realized at some point that it wasn’t about being independent, more about having privacy with ‘Kashi’.”

Matt blinks at them with a look of blank confusion. “What is any of that supposed to mean?”

“Hey, I would know more if you had actually mentioned your relationship,” Pidge mutters with a shrug, and goes stock still. Their brown eyes widen and slide slowly over to Matt. A beat of silence passes. "Oh, fuck.”

“Pidge, what the hell did you just say? What do you mean, ‘relationship’?”

“Um.”

“Tell me. Now.”

Pidge scrunches their eyes closed and bites down hard on their tongue, cursing themselves internally for a good thirty seconds before letting out a long sigh and looking back to their brother. “Matt, I… I think you should talk to Shiro.”

Chapter Text

Shiro looks up at the sound of a knock on his door and smiles when he spots Matt hovering in the hallway. He waves him inside and helps him over to the bed so he can sit down. Matt is watching him with careful eyes, a frown creasing his brow.

“Have you been telling me the truth? When you tell me about the years I lost, I mean.”

Shiro pauses before he lays Matt’s crutches on the floor beside the bed, not out of reach but far enough that Matt can be comfortable. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I can’t remember eight years of my life, and I have to believe that what other people tell me is true. I want to know if I’m getting all the details.”

“Matt, I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Where is this coming from?”

Matt chews his lip for a moment, then sighs. “Could… could you close the door?”

Obviously confused, Shiro does so, then makes his way back to the bed to kneel in front of where Matt is sitting. “Are you alright?”

An eternity passes before Matt is able to answer again, his voice quiet. “You said we were friends, at the Garrison. Before the Galra took me.”

“We were.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me that we were in a relationship?”

Shiro rocks back on his heels, looking like he’s just been punched in the gut. “Who said that?”

“Does it matter? You didn’t tell me, but it’s true. Right?”

Silence falls as Shiro clenches his jaw over and over again and finally runs a hand through his hair. “I was supposed to help Lance today… god, he’s gonna be pissed when I don’t show up.” Shiro pulls himself onto the bed beside Matt, forcefully keeping the strain out of his voice. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you. Honest. You needed time to adjust, and you didn’t remember who I was, so… I decided to keep it from you for a while. I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

“How long was it?”

“… Not quite two years. It ended when the Galra took you away from me.”

Matt is quiet for a long time, and he stares out the window instead of at Shiro. It’s daytime outside, he thinks, but this planet has purple skies that make it hard to determine what time of day it is. Eventually he sighs. “That’s two years of my life that I don’t remember. I need you to tell me.”

“Matt, I… I’ll tell you anything you want to know. But I don’t want you feeling like I expect anything of you. We’re different people now, you shouldn’t feel like you owe me something. And if you decide you hate me, that’s fine. This is all in the past.”

Shiro can feel his heart breaking as he says it, but he knows it’s what Matt needs to hear. He’s not sure how Matt found out this particular secret and he doesn’t want to share it. But this is Matt’s life, too, and Shiro has no right to keep his past from him. Matt shakes his head, digging his fingertips into his thighs.

“One day, I might want to know more. Right now, I just want to know what happened on one night. Pidge told me that we were babysitting them while my parents were out of the house, but they don’t know much else. Something about Easter, I think, and a horror movie?”

“I- I know what they’re talking about. Are you sure you want to know? I’ll tell you everything if you want me to, but you deserve the truth. I won’t leave anything out. Do you want to hear it?”

“… Yes.”

--------------------

“You really think so?”

“Of course, Takashi, don’t you trust me?”

“Not in the slightest.”

But Shiro is smiling. He can’t help it- every word that Matt says sounds like heaven to Shiro’s ears. On the floor between the couch and television, Katie is a sprawling mess. She rolls over to look at Shiro, but Shiro is watching Matt with warm eyes. Matt is standing beside the entertainment center, struggling to get Shiro to agree to watching a horror movie. Shiro knows it’s his trick to get Katie out of the picture, so he laughs and scoops Katie off the floor with only a little effort- this had been easier four years ago.

“Bedtime for you, little bird.”

“What? No! Not faaaair!”

“We let you stay up late enough already, and your parents will kill me if they find out I let Matt allow you to stay in the room while he watched a horror movie.”

Katie puts on her best pout and bats her eyes at Shiro. He shakes his head, so she whines a little and wraps her arms around his neck so he can’t set her back down. “Pretty please, Takashi? I promise I’ll be quiet.”

“Nope. Your brother is a fiend, you know that? He insists on scary stuff, but I could probably let you stay up if he didn’t.”

“Maaaaaattttt, can I stay here?”

“Not a chance, Pidgey.” Matt sets the DVD beside the television and crosses the room to tickle his baby sister. The nine-year-old squirms with laughter until Shiro gently shoves his boyfriend’s hands away with a wink that only Matt catches.

“How come you don’t have a bedtime?”

Shiro adjusts his hold on Katie so he can walk without dropping her. He considers throwing her over his shoulder, but it’s only a short jaunt from the living room to her bedroom. “Because we have to stay awake so we can keep you out of trouble.”

“Hey!” Katie protests, brushing hair away from her face with both hands. “I’m not trouble.”

Matt snorts. “You almost set Mom’s new oven on fire last week. Might I remind you that you aren’t allowed to do chemical experiments for a month?”

Katie purses her lips as Shiro laughs. She wriggles in his arms a little so she can look over his shoulder at Matt as Shiro makes his way down the hallway. “That wasn’t my fault.”

“Tell that to the Easter ham.”

Shiro dumps Katie into her bed before she can reply, Matt hovering in the doorway behind them. Katie starts to open her mouth and Shiro covers her face with a blanket. She lets out a muffled ‘hey!’, so he pulls it back down and tucks it around her shoulders. He brushes hair away from her face and leans down to press a kiss to her forehead. She’s Matt’s sister, but she means the world to Shiro. He would do anything to keep her safe, short of giving up Matt.

“That’s enough excitement for one night. Get some rest, okay? Goodnight, little bird.”

“Goodnight, Takashi. Goodnight, Mattie.”

“Sweet dreams, Pidgey.”

Matt waits until Shiro has passed him, then pulls the door so it is only cracked open. Shiro knows he wants to listen for Katie to fall asleep, so he obligingly steps away from the doorway and rests against the wall beside Matt. They twine their fingers together between them. Matt watches Shiro with a serene smile for a few moments before he speaks as quietly as he can.

“You’re going to be a great dad one day.”

Shiro bites down a wave of self-doubt, but it still rears up before he can stop it completely. “I don’t think-”

“Don’t do that. Don’t undermine yourself. You trust me, right?”

“Not in the slightest.”

Shiro leans over to press the gentlest of kisses to Matt’s lips. The eighteen-year-old closes his eyes and squeezes Shiro’s hand tightly.

“We could have the best family.”

“We already do, Mattie. They live in this house.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But we have to get through graduation first.”

The more Shiro thinks about it, the more he likes the idea of starting a family with Matt. They would have to focus on their careers for a few years before it would be feasible, but he can see them living comfortably with children. Matt’s brown eyes are shining as he studies Shiro’s features.

“Kashi…”

Shiro presses a finger to his lips with a mischievous smile, realizing he hasn’t heard Katie’s usual struggle to get comfortable. “Shh. Do you hear that? I think a certain someone is still awake.”

Matt sighs softly. “Katie, Mom is going to kill me if you don’t get a full eight hours of sleep!”

“I’m trying!” Katie’s indignant voice wafts through the cracked door, and Matt stifles a laugh against Shiro’s chest. “It’s not my fault that it’s too early to sleep.”

Shiro runs his thumb over the back of Matt’s hand. “Why don’t you get comfortable, little bird? I’ll come check on you in ten minutes, and I’m gonna have to let Matt in if you aren’t sleeping yet.”

There comes the sound of an indignant huff, then the rustling of blankets. Matt and Shiro wait outside her room for a few more minutes before retreating quietly to the couch. Matt slips the DVD into the player and turns the volume on the television down so the movie won’t keep Katie awake, then settles onto the couch beside Shiro.

They haven’t even made it halfway through the movie before Shiro has distracted himself playing with Matt’s hair. Every now and then, he distantly registers the sound of a scream from the movie, but mostly he listens to Matt’s breathing and watches the way he reacts to everything on the screen. Finally, he can’t help but try and distract Matt as well by pressing kisses into his hair. Matt stirs, his attention drawn away from the movie at last, and Shrio smirks in triumph at Matt’s offended expression.

“Takashi,” he whispers, “You aren’t even trying to watch it, are you?”

“No. We watched this with your parents back at Christmas,” Shiro replies, moving his kisses around to Matt’s temple and forehead. Matt lets out a breathy sigh.

“You’re the worst,” He mutters, and shifts so he can lean into the kiss Shiro brushes against his lips.

They move slowly, quietly, as if every rustle of fabric is going to bring Katie running into the room. The kisses deepen, become longer and hungrier, and Matt presses against Shiro until Shiro gives ground and slides carefully off the couch. He drags Matt down on top of him, letting his knees fall open so Matt can slot himself between them. Matt stifles a gasp when Shiro bites at his neck, just under the corner of his jaw, and begins sucking on it. He rocks his hips down against Shiro’s, heat flashing through Shiro’s veins at the realization that Matt is half hard. Shiro smiles against Matt’s neck and hooks a leg over the smaller man’s thighs so he can grind against him easier. Matt chokes on a groan that Shiro stifles with an open-mouthed kiss.

Matt’s fingernails scrape against Shiro’s scalp and twist roughly into his short hair. He bites at Matt’s bottom lip in retaliation, swallowing the whimper that follows with a bruising lip lock. Matt shifts just enough that he can reach down to pull Shiro’s other leg over his ass, rolling their hips together with as much friction as he dares. Shiro’s back arches at the contact. He breaks their kiss to tip his head back and gasp for air, struggling to keep a whine from escaping his throat. Matt takes the opportunity to duck down and scrape his teeth against Shiro’s pulse point. Shiro’s breath stutters.

“Wait-” His voice seizes on the word, not enough air left in his lungs to let him whisper. He lets his hands rest on Matt’s shoulders, and Matt stills. “We can’t stay here. It’s got to be close to midnight. Your parents might come home.”

Matt feels Shiro drop his legs. He leans up and back until he’s kneeling between Shiro’s legs, heartbeat fluttering in his chest. “You’re right. Come on.”

Matt rocks onto his heels and pushes himself up, then reaches down to Shiro. Shiro resists the urge to kiss him and moves to check that the front door is locked while Matt turns off the television. They stumble their way down the hall to Matt’s room as quietly as they can in the darkness, and Matt locks his door behind them before peeling off his shirt. Shiro grins and throws his own shirt off to the side, following Matt to the bed. They don’t bother with the light, but click on the lamp on Matt’s nightstand.

Shiro crawls onto the bed slowly, raking his eyes over Matt’s body and smiling at the tent in his pajama pants. Shiro places a hand on Matt’s chest and pushes him down against the mattress until his head hits the pillows. They kiss languidly. Matt pulls away before things can get heated again, a slight flush staining his cheeks.

“Takashi, I… could we, maybe… could-”

Shiro props himself up on his hands and knees above Matt, his head tilted to the side a little.

“Matt, are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

Matt sucks in a shaky breath. “I bought some stuff earlier when I went to pick up the pizza. I don’t want to do anything if you’re not okay with it, but I… I want to go further with you.”

Shiro blinks down at him. He nods. “Tell me what you want, Mattie.”

“I want you to fuck me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Mattie, I want you to be sure. You’re my best friend, I know that whatever we do will be your first time.”

“Yours too,” Matt mumbles, watching Shiro intently. “I’m sure I want this. What about you? Don’t lie to me.”

“Yes.”

Matt bites his cheek to keep the giddy smile off his face. He rolls onto his side and reaches underneath his bed. Shiro hears plastic rustling and Matt turns back towards his boyfriend, holding a condom packet and a small bottle of lube. Shiro feels his pulse quicken. He doesn’t know if it’s arousal or nerves.

“Are we really doing this, Mattie?”

“Only if you’re still okay with it.”

Shiro’s dark eyes flick between Matt’s face and the objects in his hand. “Yeah.”

Both of them move at the same time and smack their foreheads together. Matt yelps and dissolves into giggles, and Shiro can’t help but snicker as well. It’s an awkward process, undressing each other in the dim light, but they manage it eventually. Shiro feels a flutter in his gut as he locks eyes with Matt. They’ve seen each other naked before, but this… this is different. This is more real, somehow. More important. They probably use too much lube and they probably don’t warm it up enough, but eventually Matt is assuring Shiro that he’s ready. Shiro’s fingers are almost too slippery to hold onto the condom, but he manages to roll it on. They pause before they continue; Matt’s legs hooked up around Shiro’s waist, his hands laid over Shiro’s shoulders, Shiro’s arms on either side of Matt’s head, the tip of his erection pressed against Matt’s ass.

“Kashi, are you still sure?”

“Yes. Are you?”

“Yes.”

Matt grimaces as Shiro presses into him, slowly, and his breath is rough, but he doesn’t tell Shiro to stop. They stay like that for a while, not moving, until Matt’s breathing starts to even out again. Shiro presses their foreheads together.

“Mattie?”

“Yes,” he chokes out, “still yes.”

Shiro tips his head so he can seize Matt’s lips with his own. He distracts the smaller man with kisses while he snakes a hand between them and wraps it around Matt’s shaft, stroking him slowly until Matt whimpers into his mouth. Shiro encourages Matt with little flicks of his wrist and lingering kisses, coaxing small noises out of his boyfriend until Shiro feels him relax.

“Mattie,” he murmurs against Matt’s cheek, lips wet with their shared saliva. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t do anything until you tell me to, and when you want me to stop, you tell me to stop.”

Matt nods weakly. “You can move now, Takashi. Slow. I trust you.”

Shiro shifts his hips, and when Matt doesn’t flinch, he pulls back a little before thrusting back in. Matt threads his fingers through Shiro’s black hair and tugs his mouth down to his neck. Shiro darts his tongue over Matt’s jawline obediently. He presses a kiss just below Matt’s earlobe at the same time he rolls his hips against Matt’s ass and sweeps his thumb over Matt’s erection. Matt gasps breathlessly and Shiro takes the opportunity to start thrusting shallowly, his arms shaking with the effort of holding himself together above Matt.

Within moments, Matt is tightening his legs around Shiro, pressing his heels against the small of Shiro’s back to press him deeper. He bites at the curve of Shiro’s neck to keep himself from crying out. Shiro grunts as he shifts himself to angle his hips better, and Matt lets out a wrecked noise, panting against Shiro’s shoulder.

“K-Kashi, I-”

Shiro silences him with a possessive kiss, feeling him tense up and shudder as he comes over Shiro’s hand. He keens into Shiro’s mouth and the vibrations in his throat send Shiro over the edge. His hips stutter and he nearly falls against Matt as the tension leaves his body.

Matt loosens his hold on Shiro’s hair before dropping his hands and pushing himself onto his elbows while Shiro pulls out. They’re both breathless and sweaty, but when they meet each other’s eyes, they smile dopily. Matt reaches out to cup Shiro’s face in his hand and caress his cheek.

“Mattie?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I’m gonna need some time to recover before you get any more surprise ideas.”

Matt dissolves into laughter. He pulls Shiro down on top of him, still shaking with giggles. “I love you too, Kashi.”

Chapter Text

Matt has to struggle not to avoid Shiro in the following few days. It isn’t awkward, but some part of Matt knows that their conversation has shifted the dynamic of their tentative friendship. Matt knows it’s only a matter of time before Pidge starts badgering him about it. He’s sure the others have already been pestering Shiro. All the same, he wants to sort out his thoughts on his own without making Shiro feel like he’s done something wrong. A fine balance begins to form in their interactions- Shiro stays quiet while Matt fills in the gaps in his memory, and Matt doesn’t move away when Shiro accidentally brushes against him.

Whatever silent agreement the two men have come to dangerously tips the scales when the ship launches away from the refugee base the paladins have created. Once the castle has cleared the base planet’s atmosphere, three hectic hours of preparation ensue. All five of the paladins are rushing around while Allura pilots them through space and Coran frantically runs tests on both the castle and each of the lions.

Matt hovers in the hallway outside the control room, rocking anxiously on his crutches for nearly an hour before swinging himself away and returning to the infirmary. His heart is racing in his chest as he stares at the empty cryopods. He’s trying hard not to let himself fall back into the blank numbness that throbs at the back of his mind when the door hisses open behind him. He bites down on his yelp of surprise and turns to look over his shoulder.

Shiro stands in the doorway, his eyes wide in surprise. “Matt? What are you doing in here?”

Lie, a grating voice says over his thoughts. Just lie.

Matt clenches his jaw and attempts a smile. It falters quickly. “Hiding,” he says after a few moments of silence. “I… I’m hiding.”

“From what?”

“Reality?”

Matt shrugs weakly. Shiro glances into the hallway, hesitates, and then walks over to where Matt is standing. His hands are shaking on the bars of his crutches. Shiro reaches out slowly to close his hands over Matt’s and pry them gently away from the crutches until Matt is clenching Shiro’s fingers to keep himself upright.

“It’s okay to be afraid. No one will be mad at you.”

“Shiro, that’s not-”

“Mattie. You’re not calm right now and that’s fine. I know you don’t want to get left in the castle with Allura and Coran, but it’s dangerous anywhere else, and it’s okay that you don’t want to be here. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Slowly, Matt’s grip on Shiro’s hands relaxes. He nods. “I- I know. I just… there are these voices. Sometimes they’re not even speaking English, but they’re always there when I start to lose control and they’re rough and…”

“I hear them too.” Matt jerks his gaze up from the ground to Shiro’s face. The paladin’s expression is tight, but not locked up. “It’s the Galra, I think. They took from our memories and filled in the empty space to keep us subdued.”

“Really?”

“Maybe. I don’t know for sure. But that’s what it feels like when I hear the voices.”

Matt studies Shiro’s eyes with a frown. “You’ve never mentioned that to anyone, have you?”

“… No. I don’t want them to worry. The worst voices happen when I’m sleeping. When I dream. But the others, most of those have gone away. It just takes time, a whole hell of a lot of time.”

“How?”

“I started spending more time with everyone else. The longer I was with them, the less I heard the voices and the easier it was to tell them to go away. Sometimes I still hear them when I’m around Allura and Coran.”

“What do they say?”

Shiro shrugs, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb on the back of Matt’s hand. “Depends on the day. Usually it’s just to lie and run away and protect myself, but… it gets violent sometimes.”

“Shiro…”

“It’s- it’s okay. I leave the room if I can’t tune them out. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Allura’s voice washes through the speakers in the helmet Shiro has cradles under his arm, urging the paladins to get to their lions. Matt frowns. He pulls his right hand free of Shiro’s to reach up, hesitating before he lays it on Shiro’s cheek. Shiro’s brow creases, but his dark eyes light up.

“Promise me you’ll stay safe today.”

Shiro nods once, biting down on his tongue to keep from splitting into a smile. “I will. I’ll keep an eye out for Pidge, too. Will you be alright here?”

Matt seems to freeze for a moment, but nods soon after. He motions toward the door with a small grin. “Go. Before they start yelling for you.”

Shiro waits for Matt to grab on to his crutches before stepping away. He’s barely dropped Matt’s other hand before he stops, and Matt’s breath catches in his chest- for a moment, he’s sure that the older man is going to say something else- and then Shiro is gone, racing out the infirmary door and down the hallway.

Allura is the first to notice Matt hovering in the doorway of the control room twenty minutes later, trying to decide if he can force himself to cross the threshold or not. She’s surrounded by screens, simultaneously conversing with the paladins and helping Coran set up the castle’s defenses. When she sees Matt, her concentrated expression changes to one of shock. The wide eyes and slack jaw don’t last long, though- she gives him a warm smile and turns to type on another screen as she tells Keith to head around the other side of the moon they’re about to attack.

Run. Run. Run. Matt squeezes his eyes shut and draws in a deep breath. Run. Run. He swallows hard and forces the tension to drain from his shoulders. Run. Ru- no. No. I don’t need to run. I am safe here. He opens his eyes to find Coran staring at him from across the room. Matt only hesitates a second before pushing himself forward and swinging his way over to Coran.

The Altean seems confused, but he offers a mustachioed grin. “Matthew! Excellent. What can I do for you?”

“Uh…” Matt swallows hard. His heart is pounding and his legs feel like jelly, but he’s still standing, he’s still breathing. “N-nothing. I want to help.”

“Wonderful! Here, you can keep an eye on this,” Coran says, pushing one of the floating screens toward Matt. Another one appears in front of Coran in no time at all.

“Allura, can you see how many Galra are guarding the base?”

“Not for certain. We’re trying to hack into their sensors, but it’s going to be difficult from this far away.”

Matt glances over to where Allura is standing with her long hair in an elegant bun. She looks stressed. After nearly a full minute of deliberation, he looks back to the screen in front of him. Tentatively, he reaches out a hand and mimics Coran’s motions. The screen wavers, then scoots off to the side. Matt grins.

“Coran, could you pull up the screen Allura is looking at? The main database?”

“Uh… sure. Here, like this.”

Matt watches as Coran taps a sequence against the white terminal in front of him and slides it towards Matt. The floating computer is emanating a faint blue glow, emitting tiny pings each time Allura tries a new code. He hears her mutter something in Altean behind him, then Lance’s laughter rip through whatever audio system has been wired through the control room.

“A-Allura!” The princess looks to Matt with wide, questioning eyes, and he struggles not to let his anxiety get the best of him. “You help the paladins, I can get us into the sensor database.”

She doesn’t respond, but instead turns away and replaces the database screen with a visual feed of what each paladin is seeing in the cockpit of their lions. Matt feels his vision start to swim as he stares at the Galra characters on his screen. He breathes through his nose, biting the inside of his cheek so hard he nearly draws blood, and his heartrate slows marginally. Matt counts it as a victory.

The Galra alphabet means nothing to him, but each character seems just familiar enough that Matt thinks he knows what he’s trying to type for each iteration of a programming code that he tries. He hardly notices when he starts to hum, his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth. After his ninth attempt in two minutes, the screen lights up purple. Matt isn’t sure what he’s trying to do, but he swipes the screen in Allura’s general direction- a larger version of the unlocked database springs into existence amongst the screens cluttered around her, and she yelps out a happy exclamation.

“Paladins! Veer left, they have a cloaked ion cannon directly ahead of you! Pidge, you’ll need to fly lower or you’ll be spotted. I’m sending a visual now.”

Allura twitches her fingers in mid-air. It takes a moment, but the paladins begin discussing strategy as a miniature version of the sensor database appears in each of the lions. The radiant smiles that Allura and Coran turn on Matt make his insides squirm, but he finds that the grating voices aren’t screaming in his head when they do.

The paladins come into the common room as a boisterous, chattering group, excited about their victory and still running on the adrenaline of a fight. Matt is practically vibrating where he stands beside Allura waiting for them. The moment he catches sight of Shiro, he launches himself at the black paladin. His crutches clatter to the floor, too loud in the deafening silence that falls the moment Matt latches onto Shiro with a tight hug. Lance looks like his eyes are going to bug out of his head, so Keith smacks him. Their immediate bickering brings the noise level back up. Hunk, Pidge, and Allura are already discussing the battle by the time Shiro pulls out of the hug enough to see Matt’s face.

“What was that for?”

“I did it,” Matt says, breathless and beaming. “I stayed in the control room with Coran and Allura. I helped.”

Shiro immediately tightens his grip on Matt and laughs, pride practically oozing from his smile. “I knew it! I knew you could do it! How are you feeling?”

Matt tips his head to the side, thinking before he answers. “Like a goth at prom.”

Shiro raises an eyebrow. “Haven’t heard that one yet.”

“I don’t quite fit in, and I’m a little tense, but no one’s telling me to leave and it’s just a little bit fun.”

Before Shiro can respond, there’s a chorus of cheers from the group on the couch and a loud bout of laughter from Allura. Matt peels himself out of Shiro’s embrace so he can turn to look, still holding tight to Shiro’s arm to keep standing.

“What?”

“We’re gonna play Coran’s favorite game,” Lance says, practically cackling.

Beside Lance, Keith rolls his eyes. “Usually we eat dinner together and play a game after we take down a Galra hub. We didn’t last time because we- well. We didn’t last time.”

“It’s Allura’s turn to pick the game,” Hunk cuts in, “And she picked the one Coran hates the most.”

“Why does Coran hate it?”

It’s Allura’s turn to giggle. “The game is meant to be a training program for Altean children who are going to join the military. When Pidge and Lance got their hands on it, however, they realized that it is similar to a game you humans play.”

“Battleship!”

Pidge’s sudden shout draws Matt’s attention. They’re sitting on the floor with their feet sprawled out to their sides, practically bouncing in place with such an excited expression that Matt can’t help but feel a bit excited himself.

“It’s like giant, virtual, multiplayer space Battleship! Ooohhh, you guys are gonna regret this so much, Matt is the best at Battleship!”

Lance lets out a whoop. “You’re going down old man!”

“Cállate, tú Walmart-azul pedo de espacio.”

The shift in mood is immediate. Hunk looks impressed, Allura confused, Keith slightly amused, and Pidge like they’re struggling to translate in their head. Lance is too dumbstruck to respond.

“You know Spanish?” Keith asks.

Lance makes an offended noise before Matt can reply, his jaw clicking shut. “Nevermind that, did you really just call me a Walmart-blue space fart?”

Pidge snorts and Matt grins sheepishly. “Sorry, sort of a knee-jerk response. Guess I haven’t forgotten my Garrison Spanish classes.”

“Space fart? That’s… kind of nice for you, Matt.”

“Thanks, Pidgey.”

Five hours later finds the group scattered. The moment Coran had deemed the ship far enough from the Galra to be relatively safe, he put it on autopilot and disappeared into the kitchen with Hunk. The two of them had emerged nearly an hour afterward with food the likes of which Matt had never seen. After a rowdy meal, all eight of them gathered in the common room to play ‘Battleship’. Coran spent most of the game griping about how they were misusing it and how he couldn’t believe Allura was agreeing with the humans instead of the Altean. Keith, surprisingly, won the game despite the fierce rivalry that quickly sprung up between Lance and Matt. After the game, Allura and Coran returned to the control room briefly before joining Pidge and Hunk as they headed to their bedrooms to get some sleep. Matt and Lance conversed in Spanish a while longer, the language being a very visible comfort to Lance. Shiro walked Matt to his room once Keith and Lance had started bickering again, though each of them were exhausted.

“I’m proud of you, Matt. You did great today,” Shiro says as they stand in the doorway to Matt’s room. It hasn’t been decorated yet- Matt can’t bring himself to even consider it yet.

“Thanks for keeping your promise to come back safe.”

Shiro smiles, and Matt has to squash the urge to hug him. Twice is enough for one day, he’s decided. But then a yawn escapes Matt’s lips, and Shiro shakes his head with a fond expression. He mutters something about needing more sleep and says goodnight. Matt watches him walk down the hallway and turn a corner before he closes his door and lets out a heavy sigh.

Matt leans one crutch against the wall and uses the other to limp towards his bed, sinking onto it with a groan and a wince. His foot hurts. He draws his leg up onto the bed and rubs at the knots in his calf, trying to ease away the pain of standing for almost an entire day. Finally, he gives up and flops backwards, staring up into the dark. Knowing it won’t make a difference at this point, Matt halfheartedly removes his glasses and allows the hand holding them to drop unceremoniously onto the bed at his side. The glasses skitter over the strange material of the blankets. Matt feels more than hears this happen. The black of the room seems to deepen each time he blinks. He stops opening his eyes.

------------------

Music floats softly from Shiro’s laptop, a tune from long before the pilot was born. Matt lays on Shiro’s bed with his legs in the air, feet resting on the wall, and his head falling off the edge of the mattress. Shiro is moving quietly around the room, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Matt is watching him put his laundry away and clean up for the night. Matt huffs a sigh.

“Takashi.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s not working.”

“Of course it is. Be quiet.”

Matt groans and rolls so he’s fully on the bed, then presses his face into the mattress and draws in a deep breath. The sheets smell like Shiro. “Still not working.”

“You’re not being patient.”

“I don’t even know this song.”

“Not important.”

“It’s not even English.”

“Shut up Mattie.”

“I should have let you stay the nerdy kid that no one liked because he was too damn smart to realize he was the teacher’s pet,” Matt grumbles against the bed, his voice muffled.

Shiro doesn’t respond, but Matt can practically hear him rolling his eyes. The sound of typing reaches Matt’s ears just before the song changes to a lighter, slower tune. The mattress sinks as Shiro sits on the edge of the bed and places a warm hand on Matt’s back. He starts rubbing little circles between Matt’s shoulder blades, and Matt feels his anxiety finally starting to slip away the moment Shiro starts singing.

“Wise men say only fools rush in… but I can’t help falling in love with you… Shall I stay? Would it be a sin? If I can’t help falling in love with you…?”

Matt waits for himself to calm completely before he draws a deep breath and rolls over to face Shiro again. What he finds instead is glowing yellow eyes and claws digging into his chest as a grating laugh echoes in his ears and pain sears into his leg.

---------------

Shiro wakes to the sound of urgent knocking. He scrunches his eyes when he blinks, shoving himself off the bed and stumbling towards the door. When he opens it, he’s met with the sight of Matt crumbled on the floor. He’s not wearing his glasses, his hair is a mess, and he’s breathing like he’s just run a marathon. One crutch lies abandoned beside him. Shiro doesn’t wait for an explanation, just scoops Matt off the floor and moves him to the bed. Shiro considers turning on the light, then thinks better of it. Matt is still gasping for air when Shiro returns to the bed after retrieving the crutch and closing the door.

“You- you said you hear the voices in your sleep. I d-didn’t know… I can’t go a-anywhere else. P-please… help me, hel-help me, please.”

“Nightmare?”

Matt nods fervently, staring at his shaking hands. His fingers are clenched into fists, nails digging into his palms, and he’s still fluttering like a leaf in the wind. Shiro places a hand on his shoulder and slowly eases him back against the mattress. Stretching out makes the ball in his gut want to constrict, but Shiro doesn’t let him draw his legs up to his chest. Matt lets out an involuntary whimper as Shiro wordlessly holds him in place, waiting until his body isn’t threatening to curl in on itself anymore. Next, Shiro pulls Matt’s arms away from where they are crossed above his heart. Matt’s lip is trembling now, because Shiro’s warm hands are keeping the tremors out of his abdomen.

“Takashi, help me.”

Shiro clenches his jaw. He pauses his movements, but it isn’t long before he continues. He works quietly until Matt is lying flat on the mattress, tense but not shuddering like he had been before. As Shiro pushes gently at Matt’s shoulders to rolls him over onto his stomach, Matt realizes that the older man is humming. Shiro’s hand brushes through Matt’s hair and settles between his shoulder blades. It begins rubbing small circles and the tight pain in Matt’s chest eases, though his heartbeat still races. The mattress shifts. The warmth of Shiro’s body radiates against Matt’s side, not quite touching him but close enough to be comforting. Matt hears a soft breath and has to struggle not to whimper at the sound of Shiro’s voice floating through the dark room.

“Wise men say only fools rush in… but I can’t help falling in love with you…”

Chapter Text

“Are you ready?”

“No.”

“Okay, brace yourself!”

“No, Pidgey, wait-”

Matt yelps as Pidge and Hunk push a gobbet of metal against his amputated leg and start fiddling with adjustments. He swallows the protest brimming on his tongue and shoots a glare across the room at Coran, who shrugs an apology. Pidge and Hunk keep muttering to each other and making marks on the vaguely leg-shaped contraption they’ve strapped to Matt- with no padding, he’d like to add. After a good ten minutes of cinching straps and manhandling Matt’s leg, they remove the heavy metal and Pidge pats Matt on the head affectionately.

“Well, Mattie, we’re gonna let Coran take the measurements we just made and put them into the machine, and then we’ll come find you again after training today and you can have a leg.”

Matt winces and rubs his left leg. “Can I get a bumper with that one? I’m pretty sure my stump would appreciate it.”

Pidge sticks their tongue out at him and flounces away. Hunk gives him a sheepish smile and scurries after them, cradling the metal gobbet to his chest. Coran is quick to follow. Matt sits for a while longer before pushing himself up and grabbing his crutches so he can swing his way out of the common room and down the hall to one of the observation decks above the training room. Four figures dart around below him, avoiding the automated opponent that keeps switching its attack strategy.

Matt presses closer to the glass, peering down with confusion. If there are only four figures, it means one of the paladins is missing. But who would be skipping their training session? It can’t be Shiro- he only skips when he’s trained on his own prior to the group session. Matt glances over his shoulder at the sound of footsteps.

“Oh! Keith. What are you doing?”

Keith pauses in the doorway, seemingly contemplating if he’s going to engage in conversation or not, then strolls into the observation room. “Don’t tell Coran. He thinks I have the stomach flu.”

Matt raises an eyebrow, but nods. “Deal. But really, what are you doing?”

“I just… I dunno. It’s stupid.”

“You don’t have to tell me, Keith. You aren’t obligated to tell everything to everyone.”

A small smile crosses Keith’s face. “Thanks.” He rubs a hand on the back of his neck and groans. “But… No, I think I need to say something. It’s just… Lance. Sometimes I just want to eject him out the cargo hold and let him float through space.”

Matt grins. “I’ve heard he can have that effect on people. Everything alright?”

“Yeah. I had to get away from him for a while, though, so I faked sick when Coran called us for training. I mean, he’s never been to Earth, how’s he gonna know that you can’t catch the stomach flu on a ship full of healthy people? I shouldn’t lie to him, I know that, but I really needed time away from Lance.”

“Hey, Keith? Don’t answer if I’m being nosy. But… did you have a fight?”

“No. We’re good. Like always.”

Keith sighs. Matt shifts his weight so he can lean more heavily on his crutches and study Keith with a solemn expression.

“In my experience, no relationship is always good. It’s natural to fight, and it’s natural to need time for yourself.”

“You think so?”

“Definitely.”

Keith is quiet for a long moment. Then he nods, almost imperceptibly. “I always felt guilty for snapping at him and storming off. I just... I never managed to get away before that whole uneasiness thing bubbled over and I lost my temper. I didn’t want to do it today, so I skipped training. Don’t get me wrong, I love Lance. I do. He’s just draining, y’know? Like, I can’t stand being around him half the time, but there’s still a part of me that never wants to leave his side.”

“I have anxiety.”

Keith moves his gaze from the floor and up to Matt’s face. He frowns, but Matt speaks again before he gets the chance.

“It gets bad, sometimes. I used to force myself to stay around my friends at the Garrison until someone would get on my nerves and out of the blue I would yell something and lock myself in my room for the rest of the night. Sometimes the entire next day. Takashi was the first one to realize something wasn’t right. He, uh… he told my mom. She pulled me out of school a few days early for break and took me to a doctor. When I found out that the whole situation was Takashi’s fault, I didn’t speak to him for days. But he was my best friend, and even with medication, it was harder to deal with anxiety attacks when I wasn’t talking to him.”

“I guess I don’t follow what you’re trying to say, Matt, I-”

“Keith. It’s alright. Probably should have skipped the story, right?” Matt lets out a little, tired sort of laugh. “What I mean is… Takashi was always there for me, even when I didn’t need him, and especially when I didn’t want him. But he didn’t push, he waited for me to come to him. I think Lance might be having trouble with the waiting part because he doesn’t know how you feel. He… he doesn’t, does he?”

Keith seems to deflate a little. “Uh. No, not… not exactly. I haven’t told him. I guess I should, huh?”

“It might help him. Lance is a good guy. I’m sure if he understood how you feel, he would be a lot less abrasive.”

Keith doesn’t reply to that, and a comfortable silence falls between the paladin and the refugee. They both watch the paladins on the training deck for a few minutes before Keith draws a deep breath.

“You’re remembering more now, aren’t you?”

Matt shrugs without taking his eyes off the training room. “I’m still missing huge pockets of time, but… yeah, I suppose more of it is coming together lately. Why?”

“Well… No, never mind. Not my place.”

“Keith, if my memory provides the answer you want, then I’ll answer any question.”

A beat of silence, then: “Pidge told me about you and Shiro. It’s not any of my business, but… is that entirely a thing of the past, or…?”

Matt looks at Keith with a surprised expression that quickly falls away. “Uh-”

“Sorry,” Keith practically yelps. He starts towards the door with a flush crawling up his neck.

“No, Keith, wait! You caught me off guard is all.” Matt scuffs the foot of one crutch against the shining floor. “Honestly, I don’t know what’s going to happen with Takashi and I. That’s still a section of memory that hasn’t come back, and… I’m not sure I should trust any gut feelings I have when I’m missing so many years.”

Keith grins. “I don’t want to overstep, but maybe you should talk to Pidge? They wormed a confession out of me about the gut feelings I got around Lance, and I got the verbal beat down of a lifetime. I guess it’s kind of an odd method of supporting someone, but I was able to talk to Lance before I even registered what Pidge had said. They say you taught them everything, no matter what we ask them about, so… maybe a taste of your own medicine would do you good? Help you figure out the Shiro thing, anyway.”

Matt resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Sometimes I regret trying to teach that kid everything I ever learned. I do maintain that I had the right to teach them chemistry when they were four- if you ever meet my Mom, don’t let her tell you otherwise.”

Shiro looks up at the sound of annoyed huffing and heavy footsteps. In the next moment, Matt rounds the corner and props himself against the doorframe with a low grumble. His crutches are nowhere to be seen. A shiny prosthetic is attached to his leg, made of lightweight metal and… striped with something blue that seems to be glowing faintly?

“Uh… Matt?”

Matt flinches harshly and whips his head around. He seems to calm down when he spots Shiro. “Hey, Takashi. Would you mind maybe helping me over to the couch?”

“Um. Sure.”

Shiro sets down the book he’d been reading and crosses the common room to take Matt by the arm and assist him over to the couch. The moment they get there, Matt collapses with a groan and sprawls out. Shiro sits down beside him, albeit a little cautiously.

“Thanks, Takashi. You would not believe how hard it is to balance on this thing.”

“What happened to your crutches?”

“The worst little sibling a man could have.” Matt flops his head sideways so he can look at Shiro and grin tiredly. “Once Hunk and Coran got the prosthetic coded to my nervous system and bandaged the fusion, Pidge grabbed my crutches and took off running. I have no idea where they went, and Coran is insisting that the best way to learn how to walk on this thing is to track Pidge down.”

Shiro holds back an amused huff of breath. “Are you alright? I remember trying to adjust to my arm. It was painful, and I didn’t have to put any weight on it.”

Matt makes a non-committal noise in the back of his throat. He slumps further on the couch, slipping against Shiro’s side as he does so. Shiro bites down on the inside of his cheek to ground himself against the flutter in his chest. Matt’s eyes slip closed. For a moment, Shiro thinks he’s fallen asleep.

“Takashi?”

“Yeah.”

“You’ll help me with this new leg, won’t you? Like you helped your aunt when she got into that bad accident just before Christmas break and you didn’t want Keith to take care of his mom because he was so young? You’ll teach me to walk again, too.”

Shiro’s brow creases. His breath sticks in his chest. His aunt’s accident happened during their third year at the Garrison. He didn’t think it was something Matt’s mind would ever bother recovering from the abyss. “Of course I will, Mattie.”

Matt smiles and heaves a sigh, still not bothering to open his eyes. “Do you still remember how to waltz? We learned for the Senior Ball.”

“I remember.”

“You should teach me the steps again. In secret. Everyone will know that I’m walking again, but we could surprise them if I learned how to dance, too.”

Shiro chuckles lightly. “Maybe when your leg is stronger. Your muscles are going to need to get used to moving like that again.”

Matt cracks open one eye and attempts to glare at Shiro. After a moment, a mischievous looks crosses his face and he wiggles until he’s laying half in Shiro’s lap. Shiro raises an eyebrow.

“What are you doing?”

“….’Nuthin.”

“Matt.”

“Takashi.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m not pinning you in place by using my injured leg as an excuse for you to not push me on the ground when I start tickling you.”

“Matt, no.”

“Matt, yes.”

“No. Matt! Matt, no!”

Shiro yelps the moment Matt’s fingers brush against his sides. He struggles to grab Matt’s wrists without accidentally hurting him or jostling him too much. It takes a few minutes, but when he finally succeeds, they’re both breathless with laughter and Matt’s cheeks are flushed. His brown eyes are sparkling still. They sit like that for a moment, both panting, and the hard edge of mischief in Matt’s expression dies into something much softer, much warmer.

Shiro can feel Matt’s heartbeat stutter under his fingertips and realizes he’s probably gripping Matt’s wrists a bit too tightly. He doesn’t want to let go. Matt’s adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard. Shiro hardly dares to breathe as they stare into each other’s eyes, the playful air changing into something much calmer. Matt blinks.

“Sing to me.”

It’s not a question, but it throws Shiro off guard.

“You’re not having a panic attack.”

“You don’t have to sing that song.”

Slowly, cautiously, Shiro releases one of Matt’s wrists and allows his hand to rest in Matt’s hair. Matt’s hand remains in the space between them, until he reaches up and brushes Shiro’s cheek with a touch lighter than a summer breeze. He draws in a long breath. Lets it out at a snail’s pace.

“We’re in the common room. Anyone could hear.”

“So?”

Shiro’s lips twitch, an almost-smile. “They don’t know I sing. I’d like to keep it that way, if I can.”

Matt rubs his thumb along the curve of Shiro’s jaw before he drops his hand gently. “Mom loved hearing you sing. She used to tell me about it whenever you weren’t around. Especially your unhealthy obsession with Elvis.”

Shiro chuckles. Tentatively brushes his fingers through Matt’s hair. Matt’s eyes slip closed. “You know, your mom was the one who introduced me to Elvis.”

Matt hums in amusement. “I really shouldn’t have expected anything else.”

Shiro smiles softly. After a moment, he gives in and starts singing under his breath, timing his strokes through Matt’s hair with the slow beat of the song. “Are you lonesome tonight… do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? Does your memory stray…”

“Elvis,” Matt interrupts, dimples forming at the edges of his quiet smile, “Always with the Elvis songs…”

“It’s all I know, don’t tease me.”

“I’ll tease you all I want, Kashi.”

Shiro’s hand freezes in Matt’s hair. He feels like a train has just plowed through his chest, leaving a gaping hole where his lungs should be. His eyes burn, and before he can do anything to stop it, tears well up. Matt stirs after a moment, seemingly realizing something is wrong, and opens his eyes again. His brow creases at the same time that he reaches up to swipe gently under Shiro’s eye, catching a tear before it can fall.

“….Takashi? Did- did I say something?”

Shiro clenches his jaw and blinks back the wetness in his eyes. He shakes his head. “N-no, Mattie.”

Realization dawns on Matt’s face and he scrambles to sit up, still half on Shiro’s lap as he places his hands on Shiro’s shoulders. “It’s the nickname. I’m sorry, I didn’t think, I-”

“No, Matt, really, it’s-”

“Don’t say it’s okay, don’t do that, I know that it means a lot to-”

“It’s fine, I promise, it just caught me off-”

“Takashi, listen to me!”

Shiro stops dead in the middle of his sentence, unable to look away from the set determination on Matt’s face. Still a bit numbly, Shiro nods.

“I am not apologizing. I know that’s not what you want or need to hear. I just want to let you know that I didn’t think about how you would feel before I spoke, and I’m going to keep that in mind from now on.”

Shiro bites down on his lip and nods. He drops his gaze to his hands, which are shaking between them. “You, uh… you always saved that name for when we were alone. You would say it like it was something special.”

“It is something special. Look at me.” Matt tips Shiro’s head up by his chin and gives a reassuring smile. “Takashi, you don’t ever feel like you aren’t special, you hear me? I may not remember most of our time together, but I still know who you are. I still know that you don’t think yourself worthy of people’s attention. I still know that you don’t like being the center of attention. I still know that, despite any of your flaws, you are a wonderful leader, an amazing friend, and a very special man.”

Shiro blinks sadly at Matt, then sighs and presses their foreheads together. “Thank you, Mattie.”

“You’re welcome.”

One of Matt’s hands slips around to the nape of Shiro’s neck, where his fingers begin rubbing small circles. Shiro feels a lump start to form in his throat.

“I missed you.”

“I know.”

“I really, really missed you. I didn’t think I would ever see you again after the Galra pulled you away from me.”

Matt’s breath huffs softly. “I’m here now.”

“Mmm.”

“I’m alright.”

“Yeah…”

“I’ll be dancing soon.”

Shiro chuckles at Matt’s little smirk.

“And you know what else I’ll do, Kashi?”

“What?”

“If you’ll let me… I’ll kiss you.”

Shiro flicks his eyes up to meet Matt’s gaze. It’s hard with their foreheads pressed together, but he nods gently. Matt bites his lip to smother an anxious grin and shyly tips his head to brush the lightest of kisses against Shiro’s lips. Shiro practically whimpers at the contact and immediately pulls Matt closer to him. The kiss breaks because they’re both smiling too much to keep contact, both holding back giggles like small children.

A loud crash down the hall makes them jump apart, though Shiro keeps a protective arm around Matt’s shoulders and Matt only has to slide a few inches to get off Shiro’s lap. A moment later, Lance comes flying into the common room, wide-eyed and out of breath.

“Shiro! Shiro, we need to suit up, now.”

“What? Lance, what’s wrong?”

Lance’s eyes flick over to Matt, and Matt feels a brick settle into his gut. “Pidge is missing.”

Chapter Text

There are hours between Matt’s heartbeats. Years between his aborted breaths. An eternity in the silence that smothers the room.

“What?”

The word is barely a croak, more an involuntary reaction than a thought-out question. Shiro’s arm squeezes gently around Matt’s shoulders. The guilt in Lance’s eyes deepens, washes over his entire body. He visibly shrinks under the weight of Matt’s crushing dread.

“I-I’m sorry,” he stammers, and flinches when Shiro moves Matt gently so he can stand.

“Lance, what do you mean, ‘Pidge is missing’? What happened?”

“I don’t know! I don’t! Hunk told me he couldn’t find Pidge and I was like ‘yeah, so what?’ cause they wander off all the time, but then Keith came looking for Pidge, too, and then I figured they were just hiding. Y’know, cause Abuela used to do it all the time, she was super sneaky, so I-”

“Lance!”

Lance yelps at Shiro’s yell, but gets ahold of himself almost immediately. “Right, sorry. After Coran came around asking for Pidge, too, we split up and started looking. We had Allura run a scan of the castle, and… Pidge isn’t on board.”

A frown settles deep into Shiro’s brow. “Not on board? How is that even possible? We’re not back to base yet, we’re in the middle of… oh, no.”

“What?”

“Do you know if we’ve passed any asteroid fields or dust nebulas lately? A docking station? Bandit outpost?”

Lance takes a step back from Shiro, uneasy. “…No? I-I mean, I don’t think so. Why? What do you think happened?”

“Doesn’t matter. I need you to get Allura to sound an alarm- we’re suiting up and taking the lions.”

Lance nods and turns to run from the room, but a quiet voice stops him before he does.

“Wait. I’m coming, too.”

The two paladins look to Matt in unison, both taken aback. Shiro regains himself quicker and shakes his head firmly.

“Matt, no. We don’t know what we’re up against, you-”

“You don’t know that we’re up against anything,” Matt quips, scooting to the edge of the couch so he can try and push himself onto his feet.

“That’s not the point. I mean it’s entirely possible that we’ll find Galra and-”

“You don’t think I can handle it? I know my mind is as empty as Iverson’s piss-poor excuse for a love life half the time, but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. I’m broken but I can still fight.”

“You can’t even walk yet!”

“I don’t need to! All I need is a way to look for Pidge, and you know that!”

“Matt, I don’t want you in danger, okay? You could get hurt!”

“You don’t get to order me around, this is my family we’re talking about! You don’t have the right to tell me I can’t look for my sibling!”

Shiro freezes, at that, the image of Pidge beside a cryopod popping into his mind. “You had no right to lock me out of the medical bay last night. Matt is my brother, Shiro. My family, not yours. Just because you found him doesn’t mean you own him. You don’t get to decide what’s best for Matt!”

Lance clears his throat awkwardly, glancing between the two men. “Shiro, I… I kinda agree with Matt on this one. I know it’s not my place, you’re our leader, but… they’re family.”

Shiro practically deflates, all the fight leaving him at once. “I just… I want you to be safe,” he says a bit hopelessly, looking like a kicked puppy.

“I will be. Just tell me where to go. I want to find Pidgey.”

Matt is anxious, and afraid, and determined, but the gravity of what he’s about to do doesn’t quite settle in until he’s about to do it. He glances over his shoulder at the people gathered behind him; Lance grins encouragingly, Hunk flashes him a thumbs-up, and Keith gives a nearly imperceptible nod. Shiro tightens his hand on Matt’s shoulder- Matt isn’t sure if he’s trying to help Matt ground himself or if he’s reassuring himself that Matt is still there. He turns away from the other paladins to look up at Shiro.

“Are you sure this is going to work?”

“No. But the green lion belongs to Pidge- they have a strong bond. It’s more likely to accept you than any of us because of the bond you have with Pidge. Remember, it isn’t your fault if the green lion doesn’t answer. You can always come with me in the black lion.”

Matt nods. He reaches up to pull Shiro’s hand off his shoulder and squeeze it once before dropping it. He takes a few unsteady steps forward, braces himself, then continues a bit more confidently. He resists the urge to look behind him at the paladins, and instead casts his gaze up.

The green lion looms above him- the smallest and perhaps cleverest of the robotic beasts is still intimidatingly large. Its eyes are dark, mouth clamped shut, head raised as if it is prideful. For a machine the size of a building, it is amazingly intricate. Elegant. Matt stares at the lion’s face for almost a whole minute before he glances around him. Standing in front of it obviously isn’t going to do anything. He walks over to one of the massive metal paws, catching himself on a claw when his leg seizes up under the bandage around the prosthetic. The surface of the claw is cool to the touch, smooth and surprisingly comforting. Matt lets out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and presses his palm against the metal. He closes his eyes and stays still, not entirely sure what he’s going to do, but knowing he has to find Pidge.

A low rumble startles Matt into opening his eyes. He jerks his hand off the green lion’s paw just in time to stumble back from its face as it settles into a crouch and turns to gaze at him with glowing yellow eyes. Faces flash through his vision, but those eyes glow differently, are fierce for other reasons. All is still as Matt stares into the lion’s face and it seems to consider him. A sound like a quiet growl ripples through the air. Matt urges his heart to slow down. He reaches out a shaking hand and slowly, tentatively places it on the green lion’s chin. He thinks of Pidge again, and the lion lowers its jaw to allow him access.

Matt pulls his hand halfway back to himself and looks to Shiro, distantly hearing the other paladins cheering. Shiro seems worried, but he smiles and nods. He lifts his hand as if he’s going to wave, but stops. Turns, and herds the younger paladins out of the green lion’s hangar. Matt steels his nerves and maneuvers himself up into the green lion’s mouth. He stumbles as it closes its jaw, encasing him in darkness before faint lights flicker to life along the walls. The lights lead him to a set of automatic doors that open with a pneumatic hiss to reveal the green lion’s cockpit. Matt picks his way over to the seat and hesitates before he sits down. He can hear the lion’s mechanical system as a low hum, can feel it running up his legs and back and resonating in his chest. It feels like the machine is actually alive. Matt draws in a long breath and swallows hard.

“Hey there, girl… Girl? Yeah, girl. Pidgey calls you girl. May I?”

The lion does not answer. Of course it doesn’t. Matt bites the inside of his cheek and shakes away the shameful feeling that he’s being crazy by talking to a giant robot.

“I don’t know what else to call you, alright? And I’m not Pidge, I know that, but… We’re family. My name is Matt, I’m their big brother. And I’m… introducing myself to a lion-shaped alien warship.”

Matt sighs. He draws his good leg up under him, into a position where he can curl in on himself for comfort.

“I don’t know much about you. I don’t know if you’re sentient or not. But I know that everyone talks about you lions like you’re all alive, and Pidge is always rambling on and on about working on you and how amazing your system is. I guess I don’t really know what to think. This isn’t my adventure, it’s theirs. I wasn’t meant to get caught up in all of this. I mean, I don’t think I was. I still don’t remember some things. Takashi says the Galra took my dad to a work camp. I know Pidge is still looking for him. Is it bad if I don’t have the same hope they do? If I don’t think that Dad- …no. I’m sorry. Pidge wouldn’t want me saying stuff like that.”

Matt stops talking and looks around the cockpit. He can’t see out the wall of glass in front of him, and the space above the small projector consoles is dark. The levers set into the base of the chair are immobile. Perhaps his entrance here was a mistake. Matt reaches out a hand and brushes it gently against one of the levers.

“I miss them. Pidge, I mean. They’re the only family I have left. I couldn’t live with myself knowing there was something I could do to help them and I didn’t do it. You’ve gotta help me, girl. Please. I know I’m not your paladin- or anyone’s paladin, for that matter- but Pidge adores you. Takashi says you’re bonded. That means you love Pidgey, too, right? At least to some capacity. I don’t understand, but I know that you’re the only one who can help us find Pidge. Please help me.”

Matt nearly falls as the lion lurches beneath him. Suddenly, a warm, thrumming rhythm floods his chest. He rights himself on the chair and his eyes widen as the cockpit springs to life around him. Light glides across the glass screens and suddenly he can see the hangar in front of him, the castle door opening to reveal deep space. He lets out a breath of awe.

“Thank you, girl, thank you! I don’t know where we’re going, and I don’t know how to steer you. But I’ll tell you what, if you show me what to do, we’ll find Pidge in a heartbeat! Let’s do this!”

All the lights pulse green, and then the levers are adjusting to Matt’s position in the chair. He finds himself gripping them, and the rhythm in his chest urges him to pull one towards him while pushing the other forward and out. The green lion leaps up and bounds across the hangar, diving through the door and swooping around the side of the Altean castle-ship. The four other lions are soaring alongside the hull. Something beeps and four small screens appear, two to each side of Matt’s vision. He sees the other paladins, dressed in full armor, not yet noticing that the green lion has left its hangar.

Matt only has to lean a little to drag his tactical screen closer so he can press a button that floods the cockpit with audio from the other lions.

“-me, I don’t know if it would work or not.”

“Why? I mean, yeah, it’s risky, but it’s not unheard of.”

“Lance? It is too unheard of.”

“It so is not! I guarantee you that it’s happened before.”

“But not that you’ve heard of.”

“Well. No, not exactly. But Abuela always used to say that-”

“Are we doing this or what?” Matt interrupts, and eager but uneasy grin spreading across his face. He’s just pressed a button that he’s sure the green lion had purposely been blinking at him, and a projection of his own face has supposedly appeared in the other lion’s cockpits.

Keith is the first to break the stunned silence. He smirks a little, but the expression falls away before anyone else can see it. “So Green is up for finding Pidge, then. Let’s go.”

“Yeah, uh, where are we going, though?”

“Can’t we just use that scanner thing that Allura used in the castle? It looked for Pidge’s body or something weird like that… what was it, Hunk?”

“The castle scanned for their specific thermodynamic regulation sequence. But the lions don’t know how to do that- only Green would have enough data about Pidge to put a scan together.”

“We do it the old-fashioned way, then. We retrace our steps until we’re in range for Green here to track Pidge down with their bond.” Matt adjusts his grip on the levers and feels the green lion rumble as if it’s approving of his plan. “Can Coran and Allura hear us from here?”

“Loud and clear, Matthew.”

Yet another screen pops up, this one displaying the control room onboard the castle, where Matt can see Coran at his motherboard and Allura standing at her navigation post. The Alteans seem just as anxious to find Pidge as the paladins do. That thought gives Matt a new wave of determination.

“Takashi, what were you saying about bandit outposts and docking stations earlier?”

“If Pidge was checking something on the hull of the ship, they could have been picked up by a small craft slipping past our sensors. It would have to be a two-person craft, three at most. Fuel levels on those things mean they have to stay close to their bases or risk being stranded.”

“We’ll run a scan to see if we passed anything like that recently.”

“Alright. In the meantime, everyone keep their eyes peeled for Pidge. We could find them anywhere.”

The paladins murmur agreements, and the projections of their faces minimize until Matt can only see his tactical screen and the empty space surrounding the green lion. The five lions fly ahead of the castle for an indefinite amount of time. It feels like seconds, it feels like days. It could be minutes or hours. They come across nothing until the outer edge of a star system looms up in front of them. Matt watches out the green lion’s eyes as they turn towards the nearest moon. He sighs, fingers tightening around the levers as he starts to realize he’s alone here, and then Shiro’s screen pops up.

“Matt?”

“Present.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like the pot of gold at the end of the mechanical green rainbow is just a bathtub of fucking anxiety triggers.”

Shiro lets out a soft chuckle. “I’ll be with you the whole time, alright? The green lion seems to like you- if you need me, just ask her to bring my screen up and I’ll see you.”

“Takashi? We… we’re going to find Pidge, right?”

“Of course we are. When we were first captured, I told you we would find your father. I haven’t stopped looking for him, and I won’t stop looking for Pidge, either. We’re in this together.”

Matt feels a little of his unease slip away. The green lion seems to hum in response. “Thank you, Kashi.”

And then the world erupts into a shower of gunfire and explosions.