Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There's two kind of men in this world. When your number's up, clock's tickin', bell tolls. There's the man who tucks tail and runs. May turn out alright on the surface - white picket fence and all. But he lives the rest of his life in shame, knowing deep down what kind of pathetic no-good rat he really is. And then there's the man who answers the call. He steps up while others step out. He looks his fear in the eyes and says, "Is that all you got?"

I know what kind of man I am... know I don't have a choice, not really. I ain't no dodger.

Hawkins has had its wretched, slimy hands wrapped 'round my throat my whole damn life, chokin' the life right out of me, little by little, year after year. If you want somethin', you really want somethin' in this world, you sure as hell ain't gonna find it here. My Joyce? She deserved that scholarship. She deserved to punch her ticket to the city, get away from this place once and for all. But this town is cursed. Empty pockets, broken homes, black eyes. And if you forget, if you let yourself, even for a moment, believe that something good might actually come your way, an inexplicable ill-timed chaos will come crashing down, leaving your hopes dashed and dreams shattered once again.

But that don't mean I wanna leave. In fact, I'd give anything to stay. 

In my heart, I'll be gone a couple years - get strong, be brave, maybe save a life or two... be a hero. Then I'll come back looking dapper in that uniform, GI bill in hand, and Joyce and I will hit the road... start fresh. I'll take her to New York just like she always wanted. I'll open up my own shop rebuilding classic cars. She'll write, direct, act - whatever she wants, whatever makes her happy. Every day I'll wake up next to her, feel the warmth of her body next to mine. We'll kiss over coffee, bicker over breakfast, share cigarettes after sex and turn milestones into memories. We'll start a family, raise em right, show em the kinda love our folks kept locked away. I'll waste and wear out my life making her laugh, til I've got nothin' left but gray hair and gratitude. 

But in my head, I'm terrified of comin' home in a box. Scared I won't get the chance to see her beautiful, brown eyes staring into mine, feel her soft skin, taste her sweet lips, hear my name roll off her tongue ever again. I'm petrified there's a bullet with 'Jim' etched on the surface, just waitin' with baited breath for my arrival in that jungle. 

So before the morning comes, 'fore I ship out without any odds in my favor, I'm gonna tell her how I feel - lay it all on the line. If tonight is all we get, then I'm gonna make every last minute count.

***

Goodbyes are both an ending and a beginning. They're more romantic on the stage, more poetic on the page, than they are in the real world. I've said goodbye to my grandmother, devastated to lose the only woman who ever loved me. And I've said goodbye to my father, but it was more like good riddance. I thought I was prepared for this one. How hard can it be to let go of a high school crush? But that's not what this is - not even close. We've known each other since fifth grade. I didn't know anyone when I moved to Indiana, but Jimmy sat right next to me that very first day. Broke my favorite crayon right in two. I nearly punched him, right then and there, til he told me he wanted half to take home, so it would be like we were still together even when we were apart. He's been there through it all - losing Nana, the foster homes, all that shit with Lonnie. He was my constant, my lifeline... my other half. Now he's leaving and I've got nobody. There's not a damn soul left in this town worth knowing, and no one will ever be able to fill the Hopper-shaped hole in my heart. 

He says he's gotta go make something of himself. That he's gonna learn how to be the man I deserve. He's already something, though. He's more than something... he's everything. 

In a few short months I went from seeing my name in lights to wearing a nametag covered in milkshake splatter. Went from imagining Hop and I together, takin' the bad cards we were dealt and turning them into a full house ... to folding. Yet another losing hand.

It isn't right - what they're doing to these boys, to their families, to the ones they love and the ones who love them back. I've been a mess all week. Every time I think of him getting on that bus, waving through the window... it makes me sick. I want to cry and scream and yell and crawl into bed and fall asleep and not wake up until he's home. But I won't let him see that side of me. I won't let him feel guilt on top of all the heartache and fear he's carrying. No. I'm going to leave him with a damn good memory, one strong enough to keep us tethered... even if we're a world apart.

***

"If Kennedy was still here ..." 

Again with this? "We don't know that."

"If he was still here you'd have a choice, Hop! That's all I'm saying."

She's so cute when she gets all riled up. "We've been over this. I chose to sign up."

"Yeah, to avoid the lottery."

"To do what's right. This is bigger than the president. It's about courage. Honor. Commitment." I'm tired of bein' a screw up. Tired of bein' little Jimmy good for nothin' Hopper. This is my shot, y'know? To show my old man... to prove everybody wrong.

"Is that you or the Chief talking?"

Ouch. "I speak for myself... always have." It's no use. She sees right through me. 

"I know, I know. I'm sorry."

"Dammit, Joyce. You just can't help but push my buttons, huh?" I wouldn't have it any other way. 

"It's what I do best. You know you're gonna miss me."

Understatement of the century. "... Like crazy." God, I want to kiss her. Hell, I want to marry her!

"Still can't believe you picked hot dogs and beer for your farewell dinner."

"It's not farewell. Just ... see you later." If I say it enough, might just come true. "Besides, can't get more American than a hot frank and a cold brew. Thanks for puttin' it together."

"Of course. Sorry my place isn't exactly glamorous."

"You kidding? It's your place. All yours. Wait ... you hear that?"

"I don't hear anything."

"Exactly. No yelling. No slamming doors. No broken dishes."

"Just us and the crickets." 

Just us. Her voice ... that wink? Oh, I'm done for. 

***

"Jesus, Joyce. That was -- that was incredible."

I'd be lying if I said I didn't love to leave him breathless. "God, Hop ... it's like - like your body was made for mine." 

"I know what you mean. We just --"

"Fit." 

"Exactly. We're perfect. You're perfect. I could spend the rest of my life right here."

That almost sounded like a proposal. If only... "I'd like that. Though, we'd have to put clothes on eventually..."

"I'm serious. I could look at you, at those eyes, at that smile, every minute of every day. A lifetime - still wouldn't be long enough." 

The blue in his eyes, deeper than it's ever been. His face flushed. I can't get enough. "Hopper ... you can't say things like that... not tonight."

"I can't help it. I -- I love you, Joy."

I knew. Of course I knew. But to hear it... to feel him trace the lines on my face, catching my tears as they fall as he whispers those three words. "Oh Hop... God help me. I am so in love with you. Please don't go." I can't do this without you.

"I -- It's ... We're together now. Let's just be here, in this moment... okay?" 

His heavy sigh is loaded with sorrow, forced out of a dream and into an impossible reality. He's closing his eyes, desperately holding back. As with every other nightmare we've faced, we're in this one together. "Okay. You're right. Can you ... will you just hold me?" I can feel his heart beating, a comforting heat radiating from his chest. Wrapped in his strong embrace... the only place I've ever truly felt safe.

"My whole world is right here in my arms. I'm never letting go."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

***

I didn't sleep a wink. How could I - knowing what I was leaving behind? I didn't want to miss a second of her hair falling on her shoulders, her sweet breath on my chest, her milky soft skin glued to mine as she dreamed. When the heat is unbearable, when the sound of the cicadas and gunfire ricochets in my brain and I feel like I can't take one more minute in this goddamn place, I close my eyes and picture us, still in that bed, her fast asleep in my arms. My Joy. I would die for her... but I'm kept alive by her memory.

***

When I woke up, he was already gone. Snuck out like a thief in the night, stole my heart and disappeared without a trace. The last thing I remember is him kissing my forehead, singing "If I Didn't Care" as I fell asleep beside him. But he was right to leave when he did -- he knew I couldn't bear to see him go.

Last summer, when the County Fair rolled into town, Hop and I took some photos in one of those little booths - one of us smiling, one sticking our tongues out wide, one laughing, and one of us kissing, of course. I kept that one for myself... the laughing one too, but I'm tucking the other two in this envelope, hoping against hope that they make their way to him... wherever he is. And these other envelopes? They're applications - a fine arts school in New York, and a creative writing program in Chicago. Because Hop did it, you know? He's out there, making his own future. And I want that, too. So I'm gonna figure it out, and when he comes home, I'll be more alive than ever! We'll write our own story, and we'll get our happy ending. After all, what's a few years apart when we've got the rest of our lives to be together?