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It wasn’t his place. Tommy knew that.
He knew that at the funeral when Evan wouldn’t even look at him. He knew it when Eddie shook his head at him when he tried to approach Evan when the procession was over. He knew it when the two texts he sent to Evan sat unread for days and then afterwards read, but ignored. No texts back. No calls.
Tommy could read between the lines.
He knew it when the invitation to the renaming of the station arrived and it was so generic that Tommy almost thought it had been sent by mistake. No one from the 118 had reached out to invite him. It had come from the chief’s secretary, if anyone. Because he’d been there when it happened. Because he was a pall bearer at the funeral. Because he got to walk with them behind the fire engine that held his coffin. Somewhere, someone had known that Bobby meant something to him.
Tommy had never been so glad to have a shift that conflicted with him being there. Not that he didn’t want to go and honor Bobby. It just felt like he would be out of place going there and like he was there for other reasons. Evan related reasons. So, Tommy was happy to stay away.
After that, there was just nothing. Not from any of them. He made a point of staying away from information about the 118. It was insane that after Tommy transferred, he’d rarely heard anything about the 118, but ever since they — Evan — had come into his life again, there was no avoiding the 118.
The part that hurt the most was that he just couldn’t shake it. Shake him.
He couldn’t stop caring. He couldn’t stop wondering. He couldn’t stop loving him and he did…he loved him. Tommy had tried to convince himself otherwise, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t stop hating himself for losing the best thing he’d ever had. And it was his fault. No, Tommy couldn’t take all the blame, but he was the one to walk away first. He was also the one that couldn’t keep his insecurities in check for just long enough for them to give it a chance again.
Tommy didn’t try to keep track of Evan. He was glad that it’d be rare for Tommy to run into him at work. If nothing else, that made it easier. Simpler.
Or, so he told himself.
The trouble was that Evan Buckley was not someone you forgot. Or someone you got over. He dug himself so deep into Tommy that there was no getting him out. Sometimes he wondered how Abby had done it.
Tommy tried moving on. He tried dating. Failed at not comparing anyone to Evan. Tried the whole get under someone else thing but that was fun in specifically one aspect, but it left him empty and missing Evan even more.
It had amused him a little when he heard about Evan at the annual bachelor auction. Relieved him too, if he was honest. It meant that Evan was single. It meant that he hadn’t gone and found someone else. He’d been so tempted to reach out. Ask him how he was doing. Ask him if they could talk. Ask him if Tommy had any chance with him after all the time that had passed.
Tommy didn’t text.
Tommy only heard about Evan going to Nashville — with Eddie — because everyone at LAFD was glad that two of their own were going to represent the department in the firefighter games. It’d been a while since anyone from LAFD actually got to go. Tommy liked to imagine that if he and Evan had still been together, he would have found a way to go with them to watch the whole thing and give them some support. But, that wasn’t his place.
He tried not to ask anyone for updates, but Lucy let it be known that LA had wound up in a tie with Nashville. It wasn’t hard to imagine that Evan hadn’t pouted about it a bit.
Tommy was surprised a few days later when Melton asked during start of shift announcements if anyone could go cover a few shifts at the 118 over the next few weeks. Tommy and the other pilots were never included in that question unless they were over their flight hours or grounded, which Tommy wasn’t, but it was the 118 so Tommy couldn’t help but be curious.
“Why?” Tommy asked.
“A shift is two firefighters down,” Melton said. “Something about medical leave.”
Tommy knew it could be anyone. He knew better than anyone the way that the members of the 118 A shift could get into situations that led to injury.
“Does it say who?”
Melton eyed him. Everyone at his station knew Tommy’s history with the 118. Beyond the multiple times he’d borrowed a helicopter to help them out, they knew about him and Evan. They knew it was Tommy’s last station. They knew Tommy tried to stay away from news about them.
“No,” Melton said.
Later that day, after Tommy had come back from a medical transport of the sweetest eighty year old he’d ever met, that Melton found him.
“I did a little sleuthing,” he said.
A part of Tommy already knew just from the way Melton was looking at him.
“It was the two firefighters that went to the firefighter games. Got in a car accident on the way back. Who even drives when they can fly? But, that’s why two of theirs are out of commission. Anyway, they got coverage from other stations. No need to worry about it.”
That night, his phone felt like it was testing Tommy. Always within his reach. Holding several phone numbers he hadn’t called or texted in far too long. Those numbers — names — hadn’t lit up his phone either. A part of him wished it couldn’t be so easy. Why had they done away with letters? Not even email, but pen on paper letters that you had to stuff into an envelope, put a stamp on, and then send. Days for it to reach the other person. Even more time before you got a response. No phones that instantly took your words and delivered in seconds just for the other person to ignore them.
Tommy didn’t text. He didn’t call. He definitely didn’t write a letter.
A couple of weeks later he ran into Karen Wilson at the grocery store.
Tommy didn’t know Karen very well. They’d met way back when she and Hen first started dating. Tommy went to their wedding. He cried at their wedding because it was like some sort of sign that Tommy could one day have what they had too. Hadn’t happened yet. Maybe it was less of a sign than he’d thought.
“Long time no see,” Karen said.
“It has been a while,” Tommy returned. “How, uh, how’s Hen? The kids?”
Denny had been in a cast last Halloween. Tommy had signed his cast, touched that he was even included. It was probably nothing but a memory to them. How many more hospital visits had come since then.
“She’s doing better,” Karen said. “Finally figured out what cocktail of meds and physical therapy works for her. Denny’s great. So is Mara.”
Tommy had meant the question out of politeness. He’d meant for Karen to just tell him her family was good. He meant to ask about them rather than the 118. Rather than Evan.
“What, uh, what do you mean about Hen?”
So, Karen explained. Her time in space and the radiation she’d been exposed to. How she’d been sick for some time and that it had gotten so bad she didn’t think she would work as a paramedic ever again. He could see the relief Karen felt that Hen was doing better, the worry too.
“I’m glad she’s doing better,” he said. “I had no idea.”
“I guess no one filled you in,” Karen said.
Tommy couldn’t help but laugh. “Who would? It’s been no contact with everyone from the 118 since the funeral.”
It wasn’t like Tommy had expected anything different. Alright, so maybe he’d expected at the very least a thank you from Howie for being instrumental in saving his life. Some response from Evan at Tommy checking in with him. But, they were all grieving. So, he understood. He’d never exactly been a part of the family the 118 had become, not even when he was dating Evan.
“I’m sorry, Tommy,” Karen said.
“Not your fault,” Tommy said and sighed. “I never expected any of them to keep talking to me after Evan and I broke up.”
“Still,” she said.
They said their goodbyes when someone coughed behind Karen because they had become those people that blocked off a whole aisle just to get caught up. Tommy was only a little upset with himself for not asking about Evan’s more recent accident. But, he figured it was probably better he didn’t know anything about it.
A few weeks later, he was bullied into going out to a badge and ladder bar by Lucy. Tommy figured he could show up for one or two beers and call it a night. He wound up following Lucy to a table with a few people she knew after they picked up two beers at the bar.
Lucy quickly introduced him and Tommy gave them all nods. Most of them were firefighters from a station Lucy had belonged to at some point. Tommy forgot sometimes how many stations she’d gone through.
“Hey, Lucy,” one of them said when Tommy was mid-way through his beer and listening to Travis or Trevor or maybe it was Teddy talk about his ex-girlfriend’s dog and how much he missed him. “You hear about Buckley?”
“What about him?” Lucy asked and her eyes landed warily on Tommy.
Tommy looked back at Lucy. He figured it was about the accident. Maybe he’d finally gotten back to work. It had been a little over a month since the firefighter games so he must have healed up already unless his injuries were so severe he was still recovering. Tommy hoped that wasn’t the case.
“Apparently he got a little too dependent on the medicine they had him on after that accident. Opioids. He’s under review and everything.”
“You’re talking about Buck?” Someone else chimed in. “Wasn’t he kidnapped or something?”
Tommy looked to Lucy, something like panic rising up inside him. Car accident. Kidnapping. Abusing opioids.
“Kidnapped?” Lucy asked. “I didn’t hear about that.”
They were filled in. No one seemed to know the full story which made Tommy cautious to believe it. Maybe they were exaggerating. Or maybe they weren’t. Buck had been taken from the scene of the accident but eventually found and rescued.
“Leave it to someone from the 118,” Trevor/Travis/Teddy said.
Tommy’s leg was bouncing. His phone felt heavier than it ever had in his pocket. He drank the last few gulps of his beer and stood. Lucy grabbed his arm. He shook his head and pulled out of her grip. She didn’t follow him, thankfully.
Tommy was fishing his phone out of his pocket by the time he made it to the door. The noise of too many voices talking disappeared the moment he stepped out. It was a brisk night, the wind biting.
It wasn’t his place to worry, Tommy reminded himself. It wasn’t his place to take care of Evan. It wasn’t his place to be told that something had happened to him.
When Evan dislocated his shoulder, he’d heard about it right away. Maddie had made sure someone let Tommy’s Captain know, but there had been a text from Chim and from Eddie both. Then Evan, letting him know he really was okay. Everyone had known he would want to know, that he would want to be there, that Evan would want him there.
Who did he even call? Eddie? Would he even take Tommy’s call? Evan? Was he in any state to answer? Howie? Hen? He thought about Karen at the grocery store and had never been happier that he did have her number. He hoped it hadn’t changed. He hit call anyway.
It rang a few times before it was picked up.
“Tommy,” she said, sounding surprised.
“Hi,” Tommy said. “Sorry to bother you but I just heard about Evan. Is he…is he okay?”
He heard Karen sigh. “He’s being looked after.”
“What happened?”
Tommy made it back to his truck. He got in but didn’t start it, listening to Karen’s voice as she explained that a few days ago Evan started the process of detoxing from oxycodone.
It didn’t make sense to Tommy. He understood how quickly addiction to an opiate could set in, but for Evan to start abusing his meds then…then he must have been in so much pain to begin with. Traumatized too. Maybe dealing with so much more without a way to actually get past it. And it was close to the anniversary of Bobby’s death right? Less than a week away. Maybe it had all compounded to the point where Evan just gave into whatever effect the drugs had on him.
“He’s getting help,” Karen said. “Everyone is staying with him. Watching him around the clock, making sure he gets through it. He’s going to be okay, Tommy.”
Not immediately, but eventually. And even then…the chance of relapse.
“Could I do anything?” Tommy asked.
Karen didn’t answer for a beat. “I…I can ask Maddie,” she said.
It was a little like asking a parent if going to someone’s house was okay and having the parent respond that they had to ask the other parent first. No real answer. Not a yes. Not a no.
“Alright,” Tommy said. “Let me know soon.”
“You, uh, you can text him,” Karen said. “He might not get back to you right away, but he’ll appreciate it if you reach out. I know it.”
Tommy didn’t know it with the same certainty that Karen did, but he would text. It was the only thing he could do. He didn’t expect a response, though, and he hardly expected Maddie to even give him a chance to see Evan.
After getting off the phone, Tommy let his head drop onto the steering wheel. His hands were shaking. He could picture Evan. Shaky, too pale, eyes sunken in, dark shadows under them, and his smile stripped off his face. Tommy wiped at his eyes, pushed the image away. He made himself drive and maybe if he had known where Evan was he might have gone to him.
He hadn’t asked Karen.
Was he at a facility? But no, Karen had said everyone was with him and there were plenty of health professionals available to care for him to not have a need for him to go anywhere. That was better in a way. Was he staying with his sister? Or was he at home — where even was home? Eddie’s house? Somewhere new. Tommy wished he knew.
Back at his house, Tommy walked his phone around the living room open to an old text thread that he had come close to deleting too many times to count. He never ultimately managed to. It had felt something like a victory some weeks back when he realized he hadn’t gone back to look at it to scroll through all their old conversations in a few months. The silly ones. The sappy ones. The ones that were just emojis or gifs. The ones where Evan just texted back to back facts about his latest research binge.
There was nothing that sounded right. Nothing that didn’t sound like it came off of a Hallmark greeting card and Tommy didn’t want it to sound like anything else anyone could say to him.
So, he paced and he rubbed the back of his neck and he felt like walking right out of the house and going to Evan except that he didn’t know where Evan was and it was driving him something crazy to not know. He wanted to see him for himself. Hug him.
“What would I want someone to say to me if it was me instead of him?” Tommy asked the empty room.
In truth, he had no idea.
He dropped onto the sofa, leaned his elbows on his knees and held his phone between his hands.
Maybe the point wasn’t what he said…it was that he said anything at all.
Hey, Evan, from what I hear you’ve had a rough month. I know it isn’t really my place to worry about you anymore, but I do. I care about you and I hope your recovery goes well. If you ever need anything I’m a call or text away and I’ll answer. I don’t want to ask how you are because I think I know the answer already, so I’ll leave off by saying you are stronger than anyone I know. You can get through this.
He hit send before he could rethink the whole thing and then he threw his phone on the cushion next to him.
If Evan ever responded it wouldn’t be any time soon.
He had higher hopes of Karen calling him and letting him know if he could help Evan in any way and that was if Maddie wanted his help.
Tommy hardly knew Maddie. Mostly in passing. They’d met briefly after she and Howie got married and then once she had stopped by when Tommy was at Evan’s place. He’d seen her at the medal ceremony but they hadn’t spoken. There had been plans at one point to do dinner with her and Howie and then it just didn’t happen. Everything he knew about her — and there wasn’t much — came from Evan. Evan adored his sister.
Sleep that night did not come easy.
His morning was only brightened by realizing he was out of coffee, so he went out for breakfast instead and then to the store to buy coffee and a few other things he was running low on. It was there that it hit him that maybe one thing he could do is make some food for Evan and the others.
So, he picked up everything he needed to make a lasagna and then a box of brownie mix too. That found him some hours later, creating layers out of pasta, cheese, sauce, and ground beef. Tommy had always been the type of person that needed to do something. Kept him busy. Kept him from letting his mind spiral. Kept him from picking up his phone and calling Howie. Or Eddie. Or Hen.
Once it was in the oven, he began on the brownies.
Karen never got back to him. He had both the lasagna and the brownies cooling and there was nothing from her. Tommy hesitated to call, but he didn’t want the food to go to waste.
She didn’t pick up.
Tommy was a firefighter. He was a pilot. He’d been in the army. No one would call him a coward. He felt like one as his finger hovered over Howie’s name. Then Hen’s. Howie’s again.
He called Hen.
She picked up a few rings in.
“Hello,” she said, voice sounding surprised.
Had Karen not spoken to her? Maybe there hadn’t been any time.
“Hi, Hen,” he said, voice steady. He couldn’t sound like someone that was going out of his mind with worry.
“Anything I can do for you, Kinard?”
“You could tell me how Evan is,” Tommy said.
He heard her inhale of breath. “He’s sleeping right now. For now. He can’t seem to stay asleep long.”
Tommy heard the sound of a door clicking closed.
“Oh. Good. Karen mentioned what happened. I was — am worried about him.”
“We got him,” Hen said. “We’re helping him through it.”
Tommy didn’t doubt that. It was what the 118 was like. They rallied around each other. He imagined losing Bobby had only made them all closer. Evan had a family and they were looking out for him and Tommy didn’t fit into that. He might have been allowed once, but that wasn’t the case any longer.
“I’m glad,” he said. “I, uh, I wanted to see if I could drop off some food.”
“Oh,” Hen said. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s nice. He’ll appreciate it if he can keep it down.”
A lasagna had probably been a bad choice, he realized. The brownies too. Too rich. Too much dairy. Too much chocolate. It was comfort food and he knew Evan — a healthy Evan — would have appreciated it. An Evan going through withdrawal and detox might not.
“I can drop it off,” he said.
“Sure,” Hen said.
“Howie’s place? Eddie’s?” He asked.
Hen made a noise. “No. Neither. Buck’s place. I’ll send you the address.”
He’d moved again. Tommy wanted to ask about it, how long had he lived in a new place? Did Evan like it? Did it feel like home? Did he live alone? He asked nothing.
“Thanks,” Tommy said. “If there’s anything else I can do just let me know.”
“Sure,” Hen said.
“I’ll come by and drop off the food today.”
“Alright,” Hen said and it sounded dismissive.
Evan’s address came through as a text a moment later. It’d take him twenty minutes to get there. All the eagerness that he’d felt the night before to show up and be there and see Evan with his own eyes was gone. He knew he’d likely not even see him. Maybe by Evan’s choice or the choice of Hen or Maddie or Eddie.
It didn’t matter.
He’d cooked and he was going to deliver it. Show up in the only way that he was probably allowed.
The drive felt too short. He somehow didn’t hit traffic on the way there and then he was parking. There were a few cars parked on the street and a couple in the driveway. Karen had said they were all there, maybe they were.
Tommy had to park almost all the way down the street, a few houses away. It almost felt like a relief to have to walk a bit to get to Evan’s house. It brought him back to the night of their break-up. For the first time ever, he got that spot right at the front of Evan’s building and he’d been so weirdly happy about it. He should have known it was too good to be true. This time, the inconvenience of having to walk felt like a different kind of sign. It told him where he belonged. On the outside. It wasn’t his place anymore to be there for Evan, but he could stop by with food. Maybe he could send flowers. A card. A fruit arrangement.
He inhaled a breath when he made it to the door. Thought about knocking and leaving the food at the doorstep and just walking away, but he couldn’t do that.
So he raised his fist and knocked. Twice. Waited.
Tommy turned away from the door, looked out at the peaceful street. He heard the click of the door opening and turned. Howie stood there.
“Tommy,” he said, sounding surprised. “What are you—”
“Oh,” Tommy said. “Just dropping this off. Hen said it’d be okay.”
He raised the bag containing the food.
From inside the house he could hear other voices. Maddie. Another female voice he didn’t recognize. Eddie.
“I, uh, I got the address from her,” he filled in.
Howie stepped back. “Do you want to come in? If you have time, that is.”
Tommy shrugged. “Sure.”
His eyes immediately found familiar things just within the entrance to Evan’s house. Things that had once belonged in the loft but that were now a part of a different home, mixed with new things. He followed after Howie and the voices got louder. Some sort of board game seemed to be happening.
“Tommy’s here,” Howie announced.
Tommy lifted his hand as a wave. Eddie gave him a single nod. Maddie seemed to freeze before trying to smile. The last two people there were Athena Grant’s children. Tommy didn’t remember their names, but he recognized them. They both offered smiles.
“Uh, we can put that in the kitchen,” Howie said, leading him towards it.
“Hen didn’t mention I was coming by, did she,” Tommy said.
“Not to me,” Howie said. “Maybe to Maddie. She had an appointment she couldn’t miss.”
The kitchen was nice if a little cramped, but Evan probably loved the way the light entered and the counter space. The space was clean. None of them had been cooking, then.
“What’d you bring?” Howie asked.
“Lasagna. Brownies,” Tommy said. “It felt like the least I could do when I heard. How, uh, how is he? Hen said he was sleeping when I spoke to her.”
“Not gonna lie,” Howie said, “it’s been rough, but he’ll get through it. This is the hard part.”
Tommy didn’t know how accurate that was. Maybe the detox was the worst of it physically, but this wasn’t something that went away all that quickly. Evan had weeks if not months to curve the addiction. What happened next time he was injured? Did he forego the strong pain meds and suffer through it with weaker stuff? Evan would. Tommy knew him. He would.
“I, uh, I should have called to thank you for what you did for us last year. For me,” Howie said. “I guess now we’re really even.”
“Guess so,” Tommy said.
It was a thank you that was a little late. It might have meant more to Tommy if Howie had reached out and said it. If it didn’t take Tommy showing up unexpectedly at Evan’s place for Howie to decide to offer it. Sometimes, Tommy felt like some sort of action figure when it came to Howie. He’d been placed in the toy box and until Howie saw him again, he didn’t exist.
“I think I should go,” Tommy said. “I just…I wanted to drop that off. If Evan needs anything, let me know.”
“Oh,” Howie said. “Yeah. Sure.”
He walked back the way he’d come. Everyone in the living room looked at him. Maddie wasn’t there anymore. Eddie looked like he wanted to say something, but he held his tongue. Athena’s kids looked confused more than anything else, sharing looks between them. No one said a word as Tommy made it to the door. He didn’t belong there. Evan had his family. He had his people and Tommy was not one of them no matter how much he wished he was.
Tommy reached for the door, opening it. He made to step out when his wrist was grabbed by a cold hand. Tommy hadn’t even heard footsteps.
Tommy knew even before he turned who he’d find there.
Evan was in a hoodie, a blanket draped over his shoulders threatening to fall to the ground.
“Tommy,” he said and his voice sounded awed.
Tommy closed the door and he turned. “Hi,” he said.
Evan crossed the space that was left between, practically hurtled himself into Tommy, his full weight falling into him and rocking him back a little. Evan’s blanket gave up and fluttered to the ground behind him. Evan pressed himself into Tommy’s chest and he groaned and his arms wrapped around Tommy and Tommy could do nothing but wrap his own around Evan as well. Evan shook against him and his nose was cold on Tommy’s throat. Tommy held up most of his weight and he rubbed a hand down Evan’s back. Evan’s arms tightened.
Holding Evan would always feel a little bit like magic. He’d missed it. Dreamed about it. He’d forgotten how well they fit together. How Evan could just meld himself into Tommy almost like he wanted them to become one person instead of two.
“He should be in bed,” Maddie’s voice cut through.
She’d gathered the blanket into a bundle.
“Buck, come on,” she said. “Tommy was just dropping off food. We can warm some up for you.”
Evan whimpered, arms got tighter.
“Don’t,” he said.
“I don’t have to leave,” Tommy said. “But your sister is right. You should be sitting down at least.”
Evan nodded against him and he pulled back, but he didn’t go far. He wrapped an arm through Tommy’s, leaned into his side.
“Where’s your room?” Tommy asked.
Evan led him there.
Getting a better look at him, Evan didn’t look well. Pale in a way Tommy had never seen him before. Eyes rimmed red with dark purple circles underneath them. A sheen of sweat covered his brow and yet he felt so cold to touch. Tommy wanted to bundle him up in a blanket. He wanted to tuck him into a bed and climb right in behind him to hold him.
Maddie followed them. Evan let him go to climb back into his bed, hands shaking as he pulled the covers over himself. Maddie delivered the blanket, spreading it over Evan too and letting her hands rest on his covered feet.
“Do you think you could keep some food down?” Maddie asked.
Evan didn’t seem to know. He shrugged his shoulders, looked towards Tommy.
“Maybe soup,” Maddie said. “I’ll warm some up for you.”
Tommy should have made soup. He should have known to bring something that Evan might actually be able to stomach. He looked around Evan’s room. It was nice. Clean. No clutter visible anywhere. It was exactly what he’d expected from Evan.
Maddie left and Tommy drifted closer to Evan. Evan reached a hand out towards him and Tommy took it.
“You’re here,” Evan said, as if he still didn’t believe it. Tommy hardly believed it either.
“Of course I am,” Tommy said. “I would have come sooner but I didn’t know where you lived.”
“Oh,” Evan said. “I moved again.”
“Yes. I know. It’s a nice house.”
“I’d offer you the tour, but—”
Tommy’s eyebrows shot up. Evan shook his head. “Not—not like that.”
Evan groaned. He shivered on the bed and grasped at Tommy’s hand tighter.
“Anything I can do?” Tommy asked.
Evan shook his head.
When they were dating, neither of them had caught even a cold. Tommy hadn’t gotten to see how Evan was when he was sick. If he got all gross and if his nose got drippy. If he was the type to sleep it off or if he just carried on through it leaving a trail of tissues behind. Tommy had only gotten to take care of him when he dislocated his shoulder and that was so different from this.
Tommy pulled the chair closer to the bed, sat down and kept holding Evan’s hand. He was turned towards him, his bloodshot eyes watching him.
“You came,” Evan said.
“I’ll always come,” Tommy said. “If you want me to, that is.”
“Yes,” Evan said.
Maddie arrived with a tray and a bowl of soup. Tommy didn’t know what to make of her. He could see the worry in her eyes, the exhaustion that had to have settled into her because this was her little brother and she probably hadn’t left him since it all began. Tommy helped Evan sit up against the headboard, fluffing his pillows behind him. Evan gave him a small thankful smile.
Maddie put down the tray over Evan’s lap. Soup, a sleeve of crackers.
“It’s important you get some food in you,” Maddie said.
Evan’s hand was shaking when it reached for the spoon, but he steadied it and dipped it in the bowl. Brought it back out and to his lips. He was slow about it. Careful.
“You, uh, you don’t have to stay if you have somewhere to be,” Maddie said.
It felt like a hint. A pointed one.
He was the ex-boyfriend. He and Evan hadn’t seen each other in almost a year. They hadn’t spoken. Hadn’t emailed. Hadn’t texted. Tommy had only learned Evan’s new address an hour ago. He hadn’t been told Evan was sick. Or kidnapped. Or in an accident. It wasn’t his place to be there, but he wanted it to be.
“I—”
“Don’t tell me you have a shift,” Evan said.
Tommy let out a breath. “I don’t. Not until tomorrow.”
Even if he did, a call to his Captain would have resolved the issue of a shift. He wanted to be there for Evan and after finally seeing him, he didn’t think he could handle not having him within his sight. Maddie left the room and Evan hardly even noticed.
“Then, stay,” Evan said. “If—if you want to.”
“I want to,” Tommy assured him.
Evan went back to eating. He ate a few crackers, ate most of the soup and then gave up on the rest. Tommy took the tray.
“I’ll be right back,” he said.
He took it out to the kitchen. He found Maddie there, cleaning up.
“Where should I—”
“Just leave it there. I’ll take care of it,” Maddie said.
Tommy nodded. He turned to go, but he felt Maddie’s eyes on him.
“Say whatever you need to say,” he said and turned back to face her.
She leaned back against the sink, crossed her arms in front of her. “Why are you here?”
“Why am I here?” Tommy asked. “Evan. Evan is why. When I heard what had happened to him, I needed to do something. I needed to make sure that he was—”
“And are you going to just drop him afterwards and forget he exists? Because he won’t be able to handle that. You can’t do that to him. He’s already been through so much and the last thing he needs is for you to—”
“What is happening here?” Howie asked, walking around Tommy to his wife’s side.
Tommy had always thought that they looked good together.
“I don’t know,” Tommy said.
“Oh, you don’t know if you’re going to break his heart again?” Maddie asked.
Tommy scoffed. “No, I don’t know why you’re coming at me when I’ve been worried sick about Evan and hating that I didn’t know sooner, that I couldn’t be here sooner. And this isn’t the time for this. If you want me to leave just say so, but I’m here for Evan because I care about him, and if you didn’t notice while we were in there he wants me to stick around.”
“Maddie,” Howie said and he murmured something to her too softly for Tommy to hear.
Tommy watched them. She seemed to deflate and when she looked at Tommy again there was an apology in her eyes even if she didn’t voice it. Tommy didn’t have siblings. He never had much of a family. He didn’t understand the bonds that made someone protective over their family, but he knew what it was to love and want to protect Evan. That’s all this was. Howie met his eyes and nodded his head towards Evan’s room. Tommy left them and he felt the fight drain out of him. Maddie was Evan’s sister. She cared about him. That’s all this was.
Evan was lying on his side. He wasn’t asleep. His eyes opened when Tommy entered.
“I’m sorry about Maddie. She’s just worried,” he said.
“You, uh, you heard all that,” Tommy said.
“Loud,” Evan supplied and he rolled his eyes.
“We don’t have to talk about any of it. Not right now.”
Evan nodded. Stopped and took a few breaths.
“Alright?”
“Queasy,” Evan said.
Tommy pushed his curls back from his forehead, left his hand there. Evan was looking up at him through his ridiculously long lashes. He was so beautiful, the pink of his birthmark standing out on his skin, the scruff on his cheeks, the way his lips were dry and cracked, his blue eyes just a tiny bit glassy. His hand went down to Evan’s cheek, cradled his face. Evan leaned into it, placed his hand over Tommy’s to keep it there.
“I’m glad you came,” Evan said and his lips turned up into a smile.
Ten minutes later, Evan was leaning over the side of the bed and holding a trashcan to his chest. Tommy was rubbing his back. Evan leaned into him when it was over and Tommy grabbed a tissue to wipe his mouth, dropping it into the trashcan. Evan let him take it and set it down, but he waited for Tommy to return to him.
He leaned right into Tommy and he was shaking and maybe he smelled a little pukey, but Tommy held him back. Kissed the top of his head.
Evan shouldn’t be going through what he was going through, but Tommy would be there as much as he could. As much as he was allowed. Maybe it wasn’t about this being his place, as it was about Tommy making it his place.
One day, when Evan was better they would talk about everything. The last year. The months before that. All the stupid things they’d said and that they had allowed to break them apart. Maybe it would work out between them, or maybe it wouldn’t, but Tommy was not going to walk away. He was going to hold on. He was going to fight for them.
“Tommy,” Evan said.
“I know. I know. You’ll be alright, Evan, I’m right here.”
“You always show up when I need you,” Evan said.
Tommy helped him lay down again, covered him and made sure his pillows were comfortable. Evan’s eyes followed him as he sat down on the chair again.
“Don’t leave,” Evan said.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Tommy said. “Not this time.”
Evan reached his hand out and Tommy took it. He was there with Evan until his hold slackened as he fell asleep. He stayed there just watching and holding his hand for a while longer.