Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Kris can't stop staring. They feel guilty and odd, the weird kid on the sidelines again. Any moment now, their friends will look over, and Kris will interrupt with the heavy weight of their eyes alone and things will be… strange for a while.

Still, they can't stop. They're both so breathtakingly beautiful, especially when they chatter easily together like this, sharing jokes and laughing. Ralsei hiding sparkling giggles behind a paw. Susie letting out her big guffaws, loud and attention stealing as she always is.

There is a warmth in their throat, a heavy, sinking thing that's suffusing down into their chest, making it glow like a hearth.

Kris doesn't expect it, clutches a fist over their heart as it happens. Usually that part of their body is so cold, alien and bare save for the few times they manage to fight through the other soul and enact their own will on a technicality. Right now though, the other soul is gone, ripped from their chest by whatever that… shadow had been.

That's bad. They know it's bad. They know they need that soul, no matter how much they hate it, but they still can't bring themself to feel that upset about the situation, about getting to follow people who care, who matter, for once.

Still, they stumble, because of course they do, what with not watching where they place their shaky, dragging feet, but before the misstep can turn into a full-fledge faceplant, a heavy, clawed hand is there, steadying them.

“Kris?” A soft voice, right in front of them. They glance up and there's those pretty pink eyes, that soft, cute face. An angel. Their own personal guardian. “Are you alright? We aren’t moving too fast, are we?”

“Offer still stands to carry you, dude.” Susie even grips their shoulder a little tighter, as if threatening to do just that.

“I’m fine.” They used to have so much energy, but right now everything they say sounds so— so leaden. They're familiar with not taking the right tone, but before they had been tricked, infected by that other presence, they were too loud, too energetic, too creepy, too inappropriate. In short, too much. Now it takes all they have to work in even an ounce of the frustration they feel.

It also means that they don't bother trying to look away from Ralsei. They simply can't summon the will to manage that right now.

“Kris…? Do I… do I have something on my face?”

There's a proper way to respond to that. Several actually, depending on what Kris actually wants. They imagine whoever controls that replacement soul could think up something sufficiently flirtatious to get Ralsei to swoon. Or maybe something kind and caring enough to make him smile. The issue is that Kris has no such lexicon, no such charisma. They're still stuck on the warmth in their chest, still trying to sort out exactly what it might be. The feeling is lodged there, it has been since yesterday, and they still can't pin point what it means. And as bad as they are at sorting through their emotions, they are even worse at expressing them.

“I hate that it’s so beautiful.”

Do they?

Yes. Ralsei's beauty infuriates them. Makes them want to kick and scream and throw a tantrum. How unfair it is. He's a dream come true, their dream come true. A wish that a younger Kris whispered in the dead of night. A prayer that their family saw as a joke, as a silly quirk. A plea that wore thin the older they grew, that morphed into a secret, that became a confession to the one person they thought would get it.

A want that turned into a need that turned into a prince. One that loves them. One that they love and despise in equal measure.

“Um…” Susie is looking between the two of them, trying to understand.

“B-Beautiful?” Ralsei's flushing, focusing on the wrong thing, but that only makes sense, only makes Kris love him even more. How can they say something so wretched, so unnerving and still make the most beautiful creature they have ever met blush?

“Kris… are you—“

Their red eyes snap up. Gilded beauty stares back. Susie is so infinitely kind, so ready to use her strength to protect. She just wants to fix things, to make it better, but there is no better here. No solution. No ‘being okay.’ And if she asks one more time Kris is pretty sure they'll bite her fingers off.

She still tries, squatting down and asking, “What’s up? I get you're pissed about the Soul. About— about all of it, but if you start taking it out on Ralsei we’re going to have problems, dude.”

Ralsei laughs that quiet, nervous giggle of his, hands out in placation. Down and out conflict always upsets him. “Susie, I don’t think Kris meant—“

“I meant it.” Their gaze flicks again, and they can see the way their glare burns Ralsei from the way he flinches. “I— both of you are just so— perfect. I want— I wish—“ They can't say it, but they can't stop that frozen flame of envy either. Ralsei: soft, and cute, and precious in all the ways they wish they were. Susie with her literal monstrous strength, with sharp teeth and claws to match. All unattainable for a mere human.

Susie keeps trying, keeps pushing, damn her, laying one of her large, scaled hands on Kris’ knee. She isn't being quite as gentle as Ralsei, but she's using her own strength to protect Kris from themself. They're so tempted to let that be it, to reach out and take comfort in the grip of her hand around their own, the warmth of her scales against their skin.

Everything is so visceral now though, in a way it hasn't been for awhile. The Soul makes them a stranger in their own body, removes and protects them from all the usual horror of what is missing. Feeling the phantoms of limbs and horns and claws again, for this long, without distance, is a shock to the system. All the immunity they built up over the years is shorn, scraped, washed away and every little thing they lack hurts.

“Kris,” Susie is trying to keep her tone light, trying to keep something like amusement in her voice, even when it's clear from her expression that seeing Kris suffer this much is deeply upsetting, “I’m definitely not—“

Oh no. None of that either. She can never convince them of that. Never manage to make them think less of her, make them see the scars and rough edges as flaws.

So, best to change the subject to stop that line of benevolent reassurances right then and there. Of course, their topic of choice isn't a great replacement, but the words already in their mouth, in their mind come tumbling out before it's possible to consider the consequences, to consider what rejection might look like from a penumbral prince and determined dragon.

“I— I can feel them sometimes. My horns. Where they’re supposed to be…” They feel them now in fact, two distinct weights, heavy like a crown atop their head. Except, not really. They have raised their hands to confirm countless times. Even now they slide fingers through silken locks, ignoring Susie's offered emotional life preserver to instead reach for—

Nothing. Just more of the silky smooth strands they have always known.

“Kris…” Ralsei reaches out a paw too, but looks unsure enough to not close the distance.

They curl up harder, ducking their head, retreating into a ball, all too happy to keep said distance as vast as possible. “My tail too. It— it should be there. I can feel it. A-and my claws…” their hands move like biting snakes from top of their skull to gripping their wrists and squeezing. Keratin digs into scar tissue, into where they had convinced themselves that if they just kept splitting skin eventually white fur would sprout out. They can't help but try with their claws their fragile human nails now. It hurts. It would leave marks, but there is nothing sharp enough there to break the skin and nothing, no possible feeling, compares to the dark, gaping voids that dot their form.

"It hurts… the spaces where they should be…" they squeeze the last words out through teeth that are clamped together, teeth they can feel are too flat.

“Hey.” Susie’s voice is still so close, close enough for her large, scaled hands to cover their own. To restrain them in unbreakable, warm shackles. “Don’t."

Her voice is resolute, strict, but Kris can see the doubt and confusion muddying her gaze, like tarnish on precious gold.

Horns? Tail? What are you talking about? Aren't you a human? The questions are scrawled out far beyond her eyes: in the lines of her brow, the tension in her grip, the frown on her muzzle.

Kris expects all of her doubts to burst from her seams. They have answers prepared, but they feel their core grow colder, ever colder, as they remember how each one has been dismissed, disregarded, disproven.

Susie's hands tighten a little more. "Don't." She repeats. Not a question. A plea.

“Kris, please…” Ralsei kneels too, placing both paws on their shoulders now. With both of them huddling so close Kris can feel their warmth and despite everything, despite the spreading, viscous ache in their chest, it's— it's nice. To have them this close. To take comfort in their touch. "You’re already clearly in a lot of pain. Don’t hurt yourself more. That will only make it worse."

“I mean. It can't get any worse…” they try to say it with the sort of world-weariness they saw in December as a kid. The nonchalance that pairs so well with that cool, loner vibe. But all they hear is petulance, immaturity. A stupid kid who still believes in all the wrong fairy tales, who doesn't understand how life really works.

"There must be something we can do…” Ralsei's voice is a plea now too, but the bewilderment on his furry face is even more striking. Those are not questions etched into his expression, but worries, anxieties.

Each one stings. They've seen those looks too. The presumption of an illness that is carved deep into their being, their bones. The whole of his reaction is violent snap of cruelty. One that Ralsei can't even fully comprehend. “What,” their voice is all crackling fury and pain, not loud, but sharp as the blade they wield, “could you possibly do? I can’t— I know there’s no changing things. I’ve tried.”

The weight of the void in their chest triples as soon as those words leave their mouth. They really have taken every route, searched every possibility and now the wound has its own gravity. A hurt that pulls them further inward. Makaes them a ball. A cage. Something nearly solid that locks them inside and keeps their friends out.

They hate the Soul. They hate themselves more. They can't stand the consequences of their own naivety. They hate how stupid and desperate they had been. A Soul for a Soul. It seemed so simple, so easy. Maybe that should have been the first sign. Maybe they should have had a little more sense and not trusted a deal with a devil. “I’ve tried everything…”

Their voice breaks on that word. As if they can get any more pitiful. But of course, now come the tears: the self-pitying, sniveling, sobbing mess. They have to look disgusting now, even to their best friends.

Revulsion. Repulsion. Kris expects those and really they can't even blame Ralsei and Susie for reacting that way. Instead, “Kris, shit, fucking… c’mon dude.” Susie tries to wiggle her claws in the gaps betwixt their curling limbs, prying at their closed off form like someone starving might try to open a shelled mollusk. They turn, jolt away from Susie’s grasp, a stubborn grunt rising from their throat.

“Kriiiiis, come on!”

“Susie I don’t—“

“Shush up toothpaste boy. I’m not about to let them cry on their own. Not gonna let them—“ Susie’s whole hand clenches around their left arm, “—run away!” Another hand closes around their right, and with superior strength, strength that Kris so desperately, achingly desires, Susie pries them open.

They're still crying. Even more so now if anything.

“Leave me alone!” They sob, really, truly sob, all wet and garbled and hideous. “D-Don’t look at me.” They're tired, so ultterly exhausted of being seen like this. All squishy and fur-less and human. It's awful. They are awful.

“Kris look. I don't really get what you're saying. About the horns and tail and stuff. I don't— I thought this was about the Soul and it being missing but— but I— you feel like shit. Like— a fuck up, right? Like, just this twisted up, horrible mess. Like everything’s wrong because you’re wrong?” Even through the tears, Kris can see that Susie’s eyes meeting theirs, boring into them, seeing them.

It's awful. It's so good. Susie was never supposed to see this, not the tears, never the tears, not the despair, not all the ways they are irrevocably broken, yet this is what they've wanted her to see ever since that first day. Since they became friends. Them. Not the Soul pulling their strings, but the messy, awkward thing that they are. They answer with a slow, dumbfounded nod. Even as the tears keep falling in inevitable torrents.

“You aren’t wrong, Kris.” Ralsei is still there, smiling now, eyes also glossy, but so eager and willing to put on a brave face. “You’re amazing! You’re perfect too! Just the way you—“

“No!” They fight Susie’s grasp, trying to become the spiny, spiky ball again. It's one thing to see them. It is another thing entirely to try to convince them that what's being seen is anything resembling good.

Susie refuses to let them of course. She struggles with their flailing hands and twists her own arms to and fro until the only thing she can manage to keep Kris open is pushing, pinning them to the ground. The maneuver is a flailing clumsy one, but all the same, Kris ends up on their back, and Susie ends up on top of them.

Dissonance. The word, the sound clangs through their head like church bells. The warm care and affection mixes with the cold rage and envy. Her beauty, their ugly wrongness. Two notes that do not belong together. That twang unpleasantly in their ears, their body, their gut. The immediate instinct is to fix it, to place their hands, their fingers in the right positions and make the correct harmony. But they can't without the right notes, without the right keys to press, and the sharp twang just hangs in the air.

“Ralsei. I get that you’re trying to help but the after school specials aren’t gonna do anything here. Something like this... well I know this one. The whole song and dance of being some messed up weirdo who can't do anything right. The only way to change it is to shift your whole worldview. To look at it all a different way. Ya gotta find something you are good at, something no one can take away from you, even if it's small and dumb. Even if most people see it as bad or unhelpful. It doesn't matter cause you're good at it."

“Sorry I didn’t mean—“

Susie rolls her eyes and gestures Ralsei closer with a flick of her head. “You’re fine Ralz, just come over here and help us brainstorm, Kay?”

Despite the dissonance, despite themself, Kris huffs out a laugh as Ralsei drops to the floor and crawls over to them. It's funny. That Susie immediately gravitated toward this. Not in the haha way but in the ironic, punch you in the gut way. Because they’ve tried this one too. And Susie doesn't know that. Ralsei doesn't either. Because Kris has only gotten to talk to Ralsei in frenzied snippets and to Susie— well never really. That was all the creature inside them.

Still, their friends know what they can do, what they're capable of. Kris just hasn't been able to explain the significance. Ralsei sits down next to their head and as soon as he settled, Kris spits it out, “Like playing piano?”

Susie blinks owlishly down at them. Then smiles, beams really, and angels above it is so bright and beautiful. She's so beautiful. Her eyes, brilliant sparkling gold, her teeth, sharp and deadly as blades. “Yeah. Like that.”

They have to burst her bubble. They despise that fact, but they feel wretched and evil enough to do it anyway. “It helps. A little bit.” They shrug, “But I can’t play all the time and really I’m only decent. I can get better, keep practicing or whatever, but it’s not. It doesn’t.” The phantom pain is still there. They wriggle out of Susie’s hold and grip their hair again, feeling for horns, desperately searching for them. "It still hurts so much…" they murmur. Because it really does. The ghost of them feels like something should be bursting out of their skull any minute, or maybe like they are erupting— breaking apart their cranium over and over and over again.

Susie frowns. Wrinkles her muzzle. She looks… looks like she wants to say more, like she wants to fix things, fix them, but she just can’t find the words. That's the problem. Has been all along. There is no fixing this.

A beat.

Ralsei shifts in the corner of their red eyes. His gaze is still following their hands. The ones that have kept moving this whole time, still searching for horns. Ralsei's eyes narrow.

For a moment they see their brother. Even with all the differences: Asriel’s eyes are deep brown, his horns are stark white, there’s blonde stubble that’s slowly growing into the wild mane of fur their father has. The squint of eyes and general goat shape is still enough for them to hear their brother’s voice. To hear what they left them with before being yanked away by the call of higher education.

“But being a human is what makes you unique, Kris. You— I get that you look up to me, but you should be you. Especially since… I don’t think there’s a way for you to suddenly become a monster, hehe. You don’t need to anyway. We: mom, dad, me. We love you no matter what, okay? I want you to remember that and work on accepting yourself while I’m gone. On loving yourself. Just as much as your family loves you.”

Ralsei does speak, but his words aren’t anywhere near as certain, as matter-of-fact. “You… you really want to be a monster, don't you?”

And Kris has the perfect response lined up, has exactly what Asriel never understood on their lips. “I don’t want to be a monster. I am one.” They have already accepted themself. Years ago. From then on it's just been about making their exterior match that fact.

Ralsei’s eyes go wide and Kris waits for the admonishment, the retort, the denial dressed up as comfort. Except no, that isn't fear anymore. His huge eyes are sparkling and there’s an awed, hopeful note in his voice when he says, or more whispers, “what if I told you, you haven’t tried everything?”

Kris sits up so fast and bonks against Susie’s head so hard, that both of them see stars.

“Darkner magic, my magic, works in a very specific way.” Ralsei explains as they trek deeper and deeper into the colorful, floral darkness. “Remember what I said about things becoming blurry?”

Kris nods. They're so focused on Ralsei and his words that they don’t notice the flimsy enemy until the world shifts and all three of them are pulled into battle.

Bills, debts, receipts all smushed together into Pay-per Piles.

They all help sort them. Help each individual notice and bill and letter find a home, a place, and the piles become orderly, friendly stacks.

“But I’m not a darkner. You can’t— I mean, would it really be possible for you to change me the same way, to shape what’s blurred?”

Ralsei wiggles a paw and makes a sound that’s tempered with doubt and a little frustration.

“Yes… and no?” Ralsei sighs, shakes his head, “It’s just more complicated than that. For starters…” he pokes at their armor, “the dark world has changed you already, lightners still become indistinct in the darkness.”

Kris rolls their eyes. “My clothes, not me.”

“Your skin is blue right now.” Susie cuts in, smirking when Kris freezes for a moment.

“Right.” They continue forward, heavy metal boots still sinking into the seemingly unending carpet of flowers stretching out around them.

“My magic can only go so far. If I could change everything around us so easily then well—“ Ralsei starts to laugh, but the sound becomes hollow after the first chuckle, and then fades into a sigh, “… things would be a lot different.”

Susie reaches down, placing a hand on Ralsei’s sagging shoulder. Kris watches, frowning, then scrambles to follow Susie as understanding dawns, as they see how much the single touch bolsters Ralsei.

The Prince of the Dark reaches up, so his paws cover smooth scales and soft skin. “Thank you. Kris. Susie.”

“We’re here for you, Ralz.”

“No. I mean, yes but— Susie, Kris. Look!” Raisei points both paws forward, jabbing one digit on each at a shadow rumbling through the field up ahead, kicking flowers and soil up in its wake. “It’s back!”

Kris somehow finds the strength to sprint.

Kris nearly collapses when they kneel. As it stands their heavy armor plating clanks and rattles as their shins crash into the soft flower bedding. If it hurts, they’re too tired to feel the pain. At least the trident isn’t running them through anymore. At least they no longer have to run after that thing that had stolen their soul.

It’s inert now. Just another black shard to add the collection.

That fight had drained the last of their reserves though. All that’s left is clammy numbness and a chill that settles in their stomach. Worse than the one that usually sits in their chest. They might pass out. Or maybe they’ll just die, fade away, especially since the Soul is…

Susie grabs the black, beating thing, removing it from the bright, floral splotches of red and yellow and pink. She shoves them over, and they flop onto their back without resistance, without a word. What would they say anyway? How would they manage it with the blood and bile on their tongue? She doesn’t wait for the words that won’t come. She just presses a clawed hand against their chest. Into their chest. It doesn’t hurt. Isn’t it supposed to hurt? The Soul isn’t even struggling this time. Their body just jerks when Susie yanks her clenched fist away, and the chill settles back in.

Then she’s shouting, yelling, pushing a Ralsei with too many cuts on his body toward them. She says something, growls something, grabs Ralsei’s paws and Kris only sees their arms as the world really starts to fade away. A bridge into a new realm, the struts made of green fabric and purple, rippling muscle. They really are fading. Washing out into pastels and then brilliant shining white.

The pain flares through their body, a shrieking shard of sharp agony that starts in their stomach and stretches from the tip of their toes to the crown of their head.

Someone screams. A moment later Ralsei shushes them. His voice is quiet but frantic.

“I know, I know it hurts, but it’s only for a second Kris, I promise.”

Oh.

That scream had been their own.

More pain.

Then warmth, serenity, safety.

Then.

Nothing.

Their vision is fuzzy at the edges, like frosty glass during their joint family Christmases. It must be after that though, because it’s not just Dess and Asriel sitting on the floor and whispering back and forth in the living room.

Catty. Blue Ears.

Kris spots each of them in the dim light. They strain their face against the banister’s spokes, desperate to hear whatever Dess is saying to make Asriel blush red through his fur and the rest of the group snicker and nudge one another.

Voices do float up to them— only just loud enough.

“Okay okay fine. Jeez. Um…”

Silence. December slams an elbow into their brother’s ribs.

“Alright, alright! Dess. Truth or dare.” His brother’s voice is strained through a smile that’s all clenched teeth. Really the words are more a pained, reluctant groan than anything else.

“Dare.” To contrast, always to contrast, Dess’ words are covered in bluster and smirks. “Gimme your best shot, Azzy boy.”

Catty giggles and kicks her feet, trying unsuccessfully to cover her mouth with a paw. “Oh come on! He’s not gonna pick anything exciting! Probably just gonna, I don’t know. Make you step out into the snow or something. I’m sure he’ll let you put on your coat too!”

Asriel’s flush somehow gets even more vibrant. Really it’s all that’s visible from the stairs, like a blaring neon sign of embarrassment. It’s no surprise that he murmurs something Kris can’t parse. Apparently they aren’t the only one.

“Wuzzat? Gonna have to speak up there, Az.”

“I dare you to take…”

“Take what? C’mon Az a lil louder for us in the back.” That’s Blue Ears. Kris can see his face easily enough, what with how he’s sitting to Asriel’s right. There was a moment of blaring fear that he would discover them when they first tiptoed down the stairs. If anyone could, he would. But his eyes are glassy like they always are when he hangs around that weird Pants kid. That lack of focus means that Kris is probably safe.

“I dare you to— to t-take—“

“Spit it out, Azzy!” A shove to his shoulder, and that seems to be something of a last straw.

Asriel lifts his head, his dark brown eyes, and even though his face is still more red than white, there’s a determined fire that actually lets him get the words out. “Take off your top. That’s the dare. Okay?”

Dess reels. Kris can’t see her face. Not from this angle.

Catty squeals. “Hoooooly shit!” Kris can see both paws on her muzzle.

Blue Ears’ eyes only get a little wider.

December settles back into her crisscross seat and leans forward to speak. There’s something in her voice Kris doesn’t recognize. A deviation from her usual disaffected tones. “I didn’t think you had the guts. You sure don’t want me bra-less too?” A challenge. Kris has heard that from Dess many times during Super Smash Bros marathons.

“No! I-I mean! Yes? P-please keep your bra on oh my goodness.” Whatever had possessed Asriel a moment before evaporates as Dess grabs the hem of her shirt and peels it off.

“Well, if you’re gonna ask so politely.” More verbal teasing, but it’s gentler this time. More shoulder bump than jab to the ribs. “You’re turn, BG. Truth or dare.”

Blue Ears perks up. Kris doesn’t remember what he picks. Doesn’t recall what Dess asks next.

They just remember Catty turning to Asriel them.

“Truth or Dare.”

“Dare.” The word drops from their lips unbidden, but it doesn’t feel forced like usual. There’s no spear of ice that yanks them to and fro. If anything they feel warm.

“I dare you to kiss… her.” Big brown eyes flick to the girl next to them. Asriel Kris follows that gaze.

They expect December. Instead a spindly, dark form looms over them, all sharp angles and menace.

They blink.

Susie is there. Just purple scales and black undergarments. Her arms are resting on her knees.

“Like that?” Kris asks. Because Susie is mostly naked and is that really allowed?

“Please.”

Ralsei is watching them. His eyes are glazed over. Glossy pink. A sunset contained in a puddle. It had been his voice too. A plea from their prince, wrapped in desire and hazy cotton.

“Well, he did ask nicely…” Susie had gotten in close the moment they’d glanced away. Now all their sight lines were full of purple and gold and black.

They feel sharp claws on their stomach, then waist, digging in, gripping and pulling fur. Muzzle meets muzzle. Sharp teeth nip. Thick tongue presses forward, fills their maw…

“Kris…”

Balled fists gather more fur, pull them in closer.

“Kris.”

"Kr—

"—is?"

Susie’s voice is the first thing they're aware of. Though she isn’t quite as close as she was in their dream.

A groan.

“You there? Kris? I… I think they're waking up, Ralz."

Ah. That sound must have been their own voice again.

“Kris? Oh Kris. Please be okay. Nod if you can hear me. O-Or give me a thumbs up or something.” Those higher tones have to be Ralsei and he— he sounds frantic, terrified. A moment later Kris can feel the extra weight of a goat on… not their body, but whatever they were laying on. Something soft. A bed maybe?

They try to move their head first, try to do as Ralsei asks and assuage his worries with a simple nod. Even opening their eyes might be enough. Only, the small movement makes their world spin and swim behind their eyelids. They really lost a lot of blood, huh? They can only groan again as the world takes a good thirty seconds to reorient itself.

Another weight rests along the edge of the bed. Near their feet this time. Solid, heavier. "C'mon Kris. Stop messing with us. Say something. So… so we know you're okay." Susie's voice is heavy too. Her usual humor replaced by a solemn gravity Kris has only heard a handful of times.

They're pretty sure she's too cool for something like the outright panic Ralsei is giving off, but the intensity, the pressure that comes from each word still registers as fear now that they've gotten to know Susie well enough.

The fact that she gently lays a clawed hand on their leg a moment later is… freaky. Susie is a lot of things: kind, brave, heroic, but Kris is hard pressed to describe her as gentle. Even when helping she has a gruff way of going about it. Those rough edges are the most endearing part of her though, they're what make Susie, Susie.

And Kris has really grown to loathe someone acting like someone they're not.

"M'fine…"

"Kris!" They barely hear Ralsei squeak that out before soft furry warmth is enveloping them.

"That's me…" they wheeze. And those words make them realize. It really is. They can feel the cold, sharp presence of the soul but… no tugging, no insistence. The wretched thing is still there but… it's like any influence it has been severed.

"Thank fuck."

The relief on Susie's breath is a visceral thing. Heavy. So heavy. Kris is so tired of the weight.

"What? Did I make you cry, or something?" Susie crying over them is actually terrible thought, but the flippant attitude is a hook they desperately hope she will take.

Susie snorts, slugs their leg, and a punch from her never felt so good. "No, you idiot. You just made both of us work our asses off to save your sorry ass. So it would've been a real waste of effort if you went and died on us."

For a moment, they feel lighter, but Ralsei freezes around them. A second of silence that's too long and loud. Then he clamps his hug tighter, becoming a fuzzy, shaking vice. "D-Don't joke ab-about—" he hiccups into Kris' shoulder and sure enough when they manage to pull away even the slightest bit, the tears come into view.

"I did cry! thought— I thought—" Ralsei forces each word between wracking sobs. Kris keeps shifting, keeps trying to look into Ralsei's eyes, but he clings onto whatever he can grab so tightly that Kris has to stop trying a moment later.

So Kris does the only thing they can: they grab back, hoping the reciprocity might ease the torrent. They've never been good at hugs or touchy feely anything. That's all the souls doing, but the only other thing they can think to do is, "I'm okay, it's—"

"No! No you aren't! You almost died!" Ralsei's too close to be shouting. It hurts. It hurts almost as much as the words themselves, as much the realization that whatever Kris thought this was, however they perceive these friendships outside the Soul's influence, continues to be wrong. "I th-thought we'd lo-lost you— I w-w-was— kept— kept thinking I— th-that time was up. I tried to—" Ralsei hiccups and stutters and shakes over every word. Here he whimpers with so much visceral pain that Kris worries they gripped him too hard. "I tried to tell myself we had more t-time… but…"

Kris glances up, and if their honest with themself, is happy to see they aren't the only one stunned by this. Susie looks equally at a loss, just staring at Ralsei with the shock of someone who broke something they really weren't supposed to.

Of course, this isn't her fault. If anyone damaged anything, or anyone, it's Kris. They don't mean to, but damn are they good at it.

"I'm still here…" even with the Soul back their voice still sounds hollow, empty. Maybe it always has. Maybe it was the foreign Soul that actually breathed life into their being.

Ralsei nods into their shoulder. "You are." Is all he says. Matter of fact. Though the solidity of those two words is much better than the shaky sobs.

Then.

"Don't do that again." They've never heard Ralsei growl before, but here, now, he does. It makes the words sound like a vow, or maybe a threat. Either way it's clear what it means.

"I'm sorry." Kris murmurs back because they feel they have to, they feel if they don't they'll have wronged Ralsei deeply in some mysterious way.

"It's okay." That finally seems to break the spell. "You're— you're still here." The wobbly fear is back. Ralsei sniffles, but still doesn't move, insisting on glomming onto Kris like some affectionate ameoba.

"Uh…" Kris shouldn't be touching him. They don't want to be. Not like this. Not when they've hurt him so badly, not when they ripped something new and base from him. Not when every part of them feels drained of life and reconstituted into something stitched and mangled.

They look to Susie again: for help, for answers, for anything. She seems even more lost now though, face twitching like Kris has never seen before. Hand hovering over their leg like she wants to touch but can't. She's grinning, her muzzle scrunches up with a sniff, her eyes are wet. Oh no. Her eyes are wet.

Their gazes meet. She turns away, but finally the weight of her clawed hand lands firmly on their leg again.

"I'm glad you're okay. That we're all okay." If she's crying, Kris can't tell from her voice, and her shaggy mane of hair obscures her eyes in that mysterious, handsome way it does sometimes.

Kris finds themself at a loss.

They've both seen them now. They still aren't being puppeteered, even now, (they resolve to try to find an answer to that at some point, when they don't feel so much like reheated death) and the truth of what they are, what they lack, what they've so desperately wanted even before Dess disappeared, even before Asriel left, has been pulled out into the light completely.

They'd been too distracted by… everything for that to really sink in. Ralsei's offer, the reappearance of the Soul, the fight to get it back, their father, the trident. Now it does. They know now. Susie still hadn't seemed to entirely get it but… the great shame of being the entirely wrong species is out there and… well, with these two, they had thought it would be too much, too strange, like it had been with everyone else. Instead, at least in the here and now, the truth laid bare barely feels like a blip. Not in the usual way either, not in the way where their conviction is treated like a joke, like a jest, like a silly, pitiable quirk.

It just… is.

Ralsei is still lying across their chest, breathing softly but steadily. Susie's warmth still graces them, she still deigns to touch them. Aware and unafraid.

They let their hands, arms rest along Ralsei's back and just… sit there, stunned and suspended in the moment. They listen to Ralsei's breath, their own heartbeat. They watch as Susie seems to deflate into relaxation.

Then, a single, hollow chuckle erupts from their lips.

Ralsei hums a question at the same time Susie turns her head enough to reveal one reptilian eye and ask, "Kris?"

Before they can devolve into hysterical cackling, the obvious question rushes from their mouth as a torrent of disbelief. "You really don't care? That I don't want to be— that I'm not a human?"

Ralsei looks up at them (his eyes are even redder than before and tear tracks carve through the fluff on his cheeks like great canyons) at the same time Susie asks, "What, cause of the prophecy?"

Now Kris cackles. Then tries to cover the sound with a hand. All the sudden movement pulls on the still damaged muscles in their abdomen and they choke on the laughter that quickly morphs into a groan.

The Prophecy?

The Prophecy?

Kris supposes it makes sense, but that was the furthest thing from their mind.

"Kris! Don't strain yourself!"

"What? What's so funny?"

Their too busy riding out the sudden agony to respond at first, but when the ache fades from excruciating to manageable, when they're able to stop squeezing their eyes shut and look at their friends, Susie and Ralsei still look utterly lost. Like the explanation, the problem isn't obvious.

"It isn't about the prophecy." They supply, feeling confident, no— sure that alone will illuminate the issue.

Ralsei sits up and his puffy pretty pink eyes stare down at them now. The absolute confusion hasn't changed though. "It isn't…?" He asks and when Kris turns to Susie and they see she has the same puzzled look, they gape at the both of them.

"I— I mean, I'm not—" 'actually a monster' dies on their lips. They can't say it. It hurts worse than their still healing stab wound.

"I'm a grade-a, one hundred percent certified freak." They're able to get that one out. It doesn't hurt and feels true in a way the other statement doesn't.

In response, Ralsei scowls.

Susie looks even more bewildered. She gives an exaggerated shrug. "Yeah. And???"

"Susie! You can't just say that!"

"Why not? It's true! I thought we all kinda just agreed on that one. We're all freaks! Together! That's sorta the whole reason why we're a team." She gestures between the three of them, her movements large and insistent.

"I— well that isn't exactly—. I suppose it is a nice thought in its own way. It's true that we— none of us are exactly… normal? Or from what you've described about your world. I can't imagine most would see us that way." Ralsei has on his 'thinking face' about this whole thing now. Brow wrinkled, lip stuck out in the most adorable pout.

"Exactly." Susie reasserts with a nod. "You're a magical fluffy goat boy who thinks he doesn't deserve basic necessities. I'm a delinquent punk with a heart of gold. And Kris is… Kris. Look dude, you were weird before I found out you want horns and a tail."

Ralsei opens his mouth, raises a claw to protest, then clacks his jaw shut, gives Susie his deepest scowl yet and hums, thoughtful, but clearly annoyed.

It's at this point that Kris bursts out laughing again. It hurts, but they don't try to cover their laughter this time and keeping the rest of their body stable helps them bear the pain. And Angel above is it fucking hilarious. All of it is the funniest, most ironic bullshit they've ever heard.

"You two— I swear—" They say it once the the laughter has cooled to spurts of giggles, still utterly disbelieving that this is their existence right now. All their life spent waiting, hoping, desperate for someone, anyone to understand, to see them, and these two were just barely out of reach the whole time. A misunderstanding and a magical door of darkness away.

A smile is still on their lips and their voice is still laden with a harmony of wonder when they whisper, more to themselves really, "I think this might be the happiest I've been since…"

They aren't sure how to finish that sentence. Since Asriel? Since Dess? But even the two of them didn't understand. Not really.

And well… that isn't even all of it. The warmth is so loud now. A blaze instead of an ember. Completely impossible to ignore.

"Yeah? Well, get ready to be even happier." Susie playfully shoves Ralsei at the shoulder. "They should be good enough for the spell now right? C'mon, I wanna see what they look like."

"O-Oh! I- I suppose it might be fine now, yes. Kris, they would just— you'll just need to remain very still, alright?" There's something in Ralsei's eyes again, as he shifts his focus from Susie back to them. It's the uncertainty from before, when Kris first unshackled the truth from their heart. Only, the fear is gone. In its place is something much brighter and much more fervent.

They blink. Then the full weight of what is being offered hits them all over again.

This is it.

This is really happening.

They freeze obediently. Every muscle in their body pulls taught so Ralsei can work as cleanly, as efficiently as possible.

"N-Not that still… please keep breathing."

Kris hadn't realized they'd stopped, but sure enough, there's a little relief in the next conscious breath. Their lungs, starting to burn, and they hadn't even noticed.

Ralsei shoots Kris that exasperated look he sometimes gets when they or Susie do something inexplicable. Susie is still at the foot of the bed, guffawing now.

Ralsei waits for her to finish before explaining more thoroughly. "I just don't need any sudden movements. Just try to breathe normally and go slack, alright? Try to relax."

Kris only hums their affirmative, before trying their best to settle back into 'normal' breathing. They understand the concept well enough, but having to force the action makes them want to squirm.

Just don't think about it.

Only, when staring at Ralsei, knowing what he's about to do, they can feel their breath quicken. Excited, but unhelpfully erratic. They close their eyes then. Take a deep breath. They just… just pretend they're home, in bed, stuck in the doldrums that had been the normalcy of their life before Susie and Ralsei crashed into it.

There. Boring. Steady.

Normal.

They open their eyes again. Ralsei nods and ignites his hand with pure white magical flame.

"This may hurt. Just a bit."

"Woah! What? You didn't say anything about that. Are you going to burn them or something?"

"It's fine." Kris assures through their teeth. And it is. It really is. Anything to be rid of this form, anything to stop the constant phantom ache that is missing their horns, their tail. At this point nothing is worse than that.

"Not burn. Not really. This won't feel like fire at all actually. It'll be… tingly? It might feel a bit like I'm healing you actually. But—how you change… how that'll feel? I can't guarantee that will be painless. Horns erupting from your head usually isn't a… pleasant experience. Even slowly."

Kris remembers. Asriel whining and complaining and outright crying when his horns had first started to come in. Even on the worst nights, when their brother had experienced the the most agonizing of it, whimpering just a bed over while their mother sang soft lullabys to him, they'd been grievously envious, and that had been before they knew their horns would never come.

Kris blinks away the memory. The soft white ball of flame turns into a flickering, jet-black darkness.

Ralsei draws it closer with another deep breath. His bright eyes are narrowed to a focused point.

Kris can feel the heat (the chill?) of it against their skin when it sputters. Flickers. Dies as Ralsei smothers it beneath a clenched fist.

"Ralsei, please." There is certainly nothing human in those words. Nothing so sentient and cohesive as a monster either. Just the desperate plea of a wounded animal.

"I-I'm sorry. I can do it. I want to do it. But— I— I poured a lot into healing you, Kris. We both did. I don't. I might need—"

Kris winces when they reach up to snatch Ralsei's hand in their own. The stabbing pain is only for a moment though. It's nothing. So much less important than locking their red eyes onto Susie's form. "Then both of you can do this."

"Kris, Susie— she doesn't know the spell. Even if I taught her the mechanics… she isn't— she isn't a Darkner. I don't have any idea how shaping the darkness would work for her. N-Not like this anyway. Not this directly."

"Th— Then. You— Susie could—" They don't actually know enough about magic to offer a solution, and they can see the devastation that marrs Ralsei's face with each new word.

They're so focused on the way Ralsei starts to avert his gaze (Kris can't tell if it's out of shame or to avoid their own blazing red stare) that they don't notice Susie until her heavy shadow falls over the both of them. She doesn't say anything at first, simply grabs Ralsei at his armpits, lifts him, and shuffles into the spot Ralsei was straddling before setting said soft, squawking boy onto her lap.

"S-Susie!"

"Let me help." She says simply. As if it's just that easy, as if the magic of the dark world isn't still a new, fantastical concept to the both of them.

"How?"

"How!"

They speak simultaneously but Kris says it like a genuine question, while Ralsei is all indignant disbelief.

"I dunno. Couldn't I like. Channel my mana into you or something?"

"Mana?"

"That's what it's called in Dragon Blazers 2. It's the— well it lets you do magic in that game."

"I don't— Susie. That isn't. It's more complicated than that. Remember what I said when I was teaching you? There isn't some universal force. Magic here is much more malleable than that." He's calmed down enough to tilt his head back so he can look into Susie's eyes as he talks.

Kris has to make an effort to focus. They keep getting distracted by the way their muzzles are nearly touching.

"Well if it's all loose and wiggly like that, why can't I give you a charge? I mean magic makes us both tired so it has to be taking something, right?"

"Usually it's our focus, Susie. Casting spells requires the ability to block out certain emotions, distractions and really hone in on one thing. We're tired because we're straining our minds. That's all."

"So you're actually tired. Like, you just did a math test or ran a mile, right?"

Ralsei shrugs. "That's a way to put it, I suppose."

"So then I'll heal you. That's what you do when someone feels weak, right?"

"I— Susie—" the thinking pout is back. "I don't know…"

At those words Susie smiles, sharp and bright and so kind. "Let's at least try it. If you really knew it wouldn't work you'd say no."

Ralsei is still frowning when he tilts his head back down to look at Kris. Still doubtful.

Kris stares back at that frown with all the desperation they can muster. All the want. All the need. They're begging with their eyes and don't care an iota how pathetic that might look.

They watch Ralsei falter. Then crack. "Alright. Let's try it."

"Thank you." They speak the words like a prayer, all whispered reverence.

Susie nods back. A small smile on her lips. A promise in her eyes that there's no real need for any thanks. That to her, this is friendship. Kris isn't sure they deserve the well of kindness she so effortlessly draws from, but they swear, again, that they'll keep trying to be worthy of it.

As they do, Susie closes her eyes, and focuses on something that Kris can't see, can't comprehend.

It's only takes second for gleaming light to sparkle along Susie's claws, then in her fingers, then palms. Until she presses the soft glow of magic into Ralsei by wrapping both hands around his slim waist.

He jolts in her lap but his focus only staggers for a moment. Then his own paws glow and finally ignite as they had before. Kris can see how much stronger the flames burn already, see how much more in control Ralsei is as he flicks a finger and both pyres almost completely sink into the shadows that surround them. Kris can still feel them though, still just see roaring outlines of twin blazes. And again a burning chill licks across their skin as Ralsei lowers each one to their mostly bare chest.

There's no flickering this time though, no faltering, Ralsei looks as determined as they've ever seen him as he lowers his paws and pushes against and then in to their chest.

It's horrible at first. Not painful. Ralsei wouldn't lie to them. But the frigid blizzard that fills their heart spreads and sweeps through every vein, every muscle, every cell. It's deeper than the alien chill of The Soul. A kind of biting, bitter freeze they've never known before, and hopefully will never know again.

Then, the ice thaws, and all those cells twirl in a tingling waltz of anticipation. A lazy, pleasant 3/4 that saps away all of their aches, that has Kris opening their eyes to see the world without the blur of pain.

They finally recognize where they are. They just hadn't taken in enough of the room beyond Ralsei and Susie and the sharp stab of agony to recognize their own quarters in Castle Town. Just being in the space chases away more of the chill, truly warms them in the same way the Soul being absent did.

Of course, it's nothing compared to the being of holy light perched over them. For Ralsei's smiling face and soft, cloaked form is truly haloed by the glow of Susie's healing magic.

His pink eyes even shine like carefully crafted stained glass: incandescent as if the very sun is beaming through them.

Ralsei sees them staring. His grin widens, just a bit, crooked and showing off the fierce glint of sharp canines.

Kris falls even deeper in love.

With Ralsei.

With every monster they have ever met.

Then. Their skull explodes.