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Natasha would never be a mother. She had no desire to be a mother, no need to feel a baby stir inside her, to have the experience of giving birth. The Red Room had taken care of that, changing her from the inside out. SHEILD thought she may have been born Beta but Coulson believed she had been Omega. She did not remember being anything but what she is now, all and nothing at once.
What she is now is godmother and honorary aunt to a squirming bundle in her arms. Looking down at the infant, she could see him regarding her with dark blue eyes.
“It’s staring at me.”
“It’s a he. It’s fine. He’s been doing that to everybody. Definitely got Daddy’s eyes huh?” Clint was full of goofy smiles, definitely from the painkillers. “Auntie Nattie is going to take such good care of you kiddo! She’s gonna be the best!”
“Okay, I’m giving him back to your mate. You need to rest and I need to sleep.” Passing the baby to Phil (whose smile was as goofy as Clint’s), she stood up and leaned over the bed towards Clint. “Do not call me Auntie Nattie. He can decide what to call me when he’s ready.”
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“Tasa!! Tasa!!” William squealed when she entered the bathroom, splashing water all over his sire. She handed Phil a towel as she sat on the toilet lid, smiling at her nephew. Around this cub, this family, she was relaxed, open, free.
“Yes, baby. Tasa came to visit. She’s going to watch over you so Daddy & Poppa can get dinner. That’ll be fun right?” It was her anniversary present to them. The couple was actually going out on real date, an evening with no toddler, an evening in a restaurant with fancy menus and fancier dishes.
“Tasa! I wanna watch Beast! I wanna watch Beast!” The three-year old started splashing again. Phil quickly handed him a soapy washcloth. “Okay, William, okay! You can play with Tasa after we finish bath. Now, wash your penis and then we’ll get you out.”
Natasha fought a snicker, not well but she tried. Phil looked over at her, one eyebrow raised. She coughed to cover up the snort and stood. “I’ll go check with Clint about sitting details.”
She found Clint in the kitchen, setting up snacks for the night. He actually dressed up, wearing a dark grey suit and deep purple tie.
“You do clean up really well.”
He grinned at her, “Well, we don’t get to do dinner just us often and this anniversary is special. I think we may be doing a show first, so don’t expect us home before midnight.”
“That’s not a problem. It gives me time to teach him how to palm knives.”
Clint’s eyes widened just a fraction then narrowed quickly. “Do not teach him how to handle knives. That’s Phil’s job. You can teach him pressure points. Your hands are smaller.”
“Are we discussing who is teaching which combat skills to our three-year old? The agreement was to wait until he was five.” Phil was holding William in his arms and he was wriggling to get down. “Alright monster, down you go.” William tore off towards the living room, apparently intent on finding his Beauty & the Beast DVD. “Let me just change and we can go. Oh, by the way Natasha, we use the actual terms for everything, not misleading nicknames.” He headed towards the master bedroom to get ready for the evening.
“What was that about?” Clint was looking at her with a puzzled expression.
“I may have giggled a little when William was told to wash his penis.”
“Seriously? What are you, 6? It’s a penis, it’s just a word. We want him to know the correct terms. There’s no reason to embarrassed about it. Besides, it’s better than telling him to wash his winkie or whatever.”
“True. But don’t come crying to me when he gets a note sent home about saying penis in kindergarten.”
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“Tasa?”
“Yes, William?”
“I have a question.”
She looked in the rearview mirror at her charge. He was looking at her calmly, like he had all the time in the world. Definitely Phil’s child.
“What is it?”
“What are those things on your chest?”
She glanced down. There was nothing on her shirt that she could see, what was he talking …..oh. Oh! He was definitely Clint’s too.
“You mean my breasts?”
“Is that what those are? I don’t have those. Poppa and Daddy don’t either. What do I have?”
“You have a chest. I have breasts because I am female. You have a chest because you are male.”
“Oh, okay.”
Looking at the mirror, she saw the five year-old gazing out the window in contemplation. She went back to evaluating the traffic jam they were stuck in.
“Tasa?”
“Yes, William?”
“Daddy, Poppa and I all have a penis. What do you have?’
Time stopped. It came to a complete, sudden, screeching, screaming stop.
She knew the phrase ‘deer in headlights’, was familiar with the concept, had seen it in reality. She never expected to see it on her face as she stared at the rearview mirror. Looking back at her was the calm face of her inquisitor, waiting for her response.
She should say ask your parents. No, that was the easy way out and he would pester. Come up with a distraction! No, that wouldn’t work. He would see through it. Act as though she hadn’t heard anything. No, pester response again. Lie and say she had a penis. No, knowing him, he would ask to see it. And it would be confusing when he got older. There was only one avenue left.
“I have a vagina, cubling.”
“Oh, okay. Look, the cars are moving!!”
Thanking whatever celestial beings had finally pulled their heads out of their asses, Natasha moved the car forward with William prattling about the motorcycle that streaked by.
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The movie had not been as bad as she feared, despite the wince Phil gave her when she agreed to take William to see it. The antics of a vampire trying to make his grandson become a vampire had been passably amusing. William’s reactions and laughter had made the experience so much more enjoyable.
“Did you like the movie William?”
“It was great! The blobby guy was my favorite! A squirrel got stuck in him! “
“That was funny. I liked the part where they set the lodge on fire. “ It reminded her of that mission with Clint at that deplorable Czech resort. Coulson had tried to keep him from using explosive arrows but Clint had managed to release one or two.
William went back to eating his ice cream, a double scoop of chocolate fudge. Natasha was a sucker for his big puppy eyes and hadn’t been able to refuse the request for dessert (besides she wouldn’t have to deal with the sugar crash, aunt perk). She turned her attention back to her own cone.
“Tasa?”
“Yes, cubling?”
“How do you have a baby?”
She choked on her ice cream.
“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”
“How do you have a baby? How does it get inside you?” He glanced up at her, continuing to eat his sundae as though he had simply asked her why she liked mint chip.
“What made you think of that question?” It was best with him to find out why he asked, it saved a lot of needless conversation. It also gave her time to think of a response.
“In the movie, the girl bat had a big tummy and said that she was going to have a baby. The baby was in her tummy. How did it get there?”
Cursing his parents for their continued honesty with the cub, Natasha took a breath.
“Well, when two mates decide they want a cub, a baby, they have sex. The birth parent becomes pregnant and they have a baby.”
Oh, okay.” He went back to eating his ice cream. Thanking the powers that be, she calmly went back to hers.
“So, Poppa and Daddy have sex.”
God dammit!
“Yes, yes they do.”
Of course they do, how else did they get you? Why did he have to be smart? Why?!?!?!?!
“But I don’t have sex.”
“No! No, you don’t!”
And you won’t until you’re mated to a wonderful partner when you’re 35. Natasha desperately prayed that the conversation was done.
“Okay.” He finally finished his ice cream. “Are we going home now? I’m full.”
Thank God.
And fuck you very much Hotel Transylvania 2.