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Objectively, Mihael is probably a really nice guy. He has tried having light conversations with Lovro a few times now. And Lovro is trying— he really is.
But how is he supposed to concentrate on conversations, when his head is full of thoughts about how those lips currently talking had touched Ivan's before? How those gesturing hands had been on his skin, and — the absolute worst— had made him feel good? It made his stomach turn in a painful way he had never felt before.
Mihael must think he is pretty bleak, all he ever got from Lovro was a nod and a small laugh.
He must be thinking I'm not good enough for him.
There was actually no occasion, when he met Ivan's old crew that didn't result in his thoughts spiraling down into the dark hell of his self-doubt. And poor Ivan always had to pick up the pieces afterwards.
Unfortunately, it was no different at the surprise birthday party for Vanessa's sister.
-
Saturday morning Lovro woke up already sweating, noticing the now very familiar stinging feeling in his stomach.
The images of his dream came back so vividly that they hit him like a truck at full speed. Grumbling, he pushed away Ivan's arm, which was draped over his chest while Ivan's whole body was pressed against his back.
He sat up straight and reached for his nasal spray and tissues without sparing his boyfriend a single glance.
"Morning Dumbo, didn't you have a good night?"
Ivan was sleepily stretching upward, aiming to press a kiss to his lips, but Lovro was already leaning away.
"No, but you did."
The sound of his own voice reminded him of Jakov saying that he was born cold.
"Oh, here we go again..."
Ivan was trying his best not to smirk but failing miserably. He sat up next to Lovro, nudging his shoulder with his own.
"Do you want to talk about what crime I committed in your dreams this time, or do we skip to the part where I make you feel better about it?"
He knew Ivan was wiggling his eyebrows without even looking at him. Lovro was having none of it.
"Ivan, this is serious."
It was frustrating how no one seemed to get how much all these what-ifs truly haunted and hurt him.
He knew he was being overly dramatic and sounded like a toddler in the candy aisle, but his feelings were still valid.
Ivan moved his whole body, so he was now sitting right in front of him. He took Lovro's face in his hands, lightly caressing his cheeks and trying for a second kiss that was rejected by pouty lips again.
The soft touches made Lovro relax a little, though. So that was a win.
"Is this maybe about the party tonight?" Ivan asked softly. Fuck him and his deep, raspy morning voice, because Lovro's walls were already crashing down. He never stood a chance against this boy. The moment their eyes finally met, Lovro was already leaning in, getting that good morning kiss he was so desperately yearning for despite his anger.
It was not really "giving in", they weren't arguing in the first place. Lovro just had to forget the images of Ivan leaving with Mihael to do whatever again— images his head had made up in his sleep to torture him.
He really couldn't even sleep in peace these days. He didn't even want to think about the party.
"Can we maybe just go back to the 'making me feel better' part?" he asked with the sweet tone he knew made Ivan do anything for him.
He saw him wiggling his eyebrows this time, combined with a huge grin, but he was truly surprised, when Ivan instantly moved down the bed to rest between his legs.
"Oh. Eager."
His voice was embarrassingly high-pitched already, but fuck it, he was just going to enjoy this now. His head was finally going blank as pure pleasure took over.
-
The party had started pretty good. All of his favorite people were there and they had barely seen each other since the boys graduated in the summer. The vibe was great. But Lovro still couldn't shake his anxiety in the presence of Mihael.
He just wished he could be normal and not count the seconds in his head that Ivan's and Mihael's greeting hug lasted. Three seconds of pure hell. That was totally normal behavior.
Nothing seemed to work to distract him. Not even the sight of Eva and Jakov kissing next to him after they finally (with a whole lot of help from Dr. Love Kovačić, of course) got back together a few weeks ago. It was kind of funny how Lovro had broken them up, only for Ivan to eventually fix everything again. He really was a menace. It felt like a mirror to the dynamic of their own relationship in many ways. It made Lovro feel useless sometimes.
"I brought you a piece of cake, it's actually your favorite." Ivan's voice interrupted his thoughts, there was now a plate with lemon cake in his hand. Lovro had to smile at the domesticity of the gesture, how they always took care of each other.
They joined Ivan's friends around some bar tables. He couldn't really contribute anything to their basketball talk, but it was important to him to show Ivan that he was really trying.
Listening to Mihael talk about his dating life ultimately killed his appetite.
"It's actually quite hard to find a taller boyfriend, when you're a basketball player."
And wouldn't it be nice if Mihael found someone like that? What else was he looking for? Dark hair, dark eyes? Someone artistic who was also interested in basketball?
Why didn't he just straight out say that he was into boys with a bipolar disorder.
Just admit that you want him back. It's getting ridiculous.
At that exact moment, Ivan was standing near to Mihael, basically towering over him with his stupid (fucking hot) height. Lovro couldn't be the only one who noticed it, was anyone else even paying attention?
"Buraz, that cake was already dead!"
Jakov slung an arm around his shoulder, laughing at the battlefield of crumbs left on his plate. He must have totally destroyed it while staring at Mihael. Totally normal behavior.
-
The only thing that could make his current situation worse would be a nice round of Never Have I Ever, reminiscing about the "good old times." So, that was exactly what Nix proposed to the two friend groups, because of fucking course.
"Never have I ever... kissed someone at this table."
"Come on, that's lame! We're not fifteen anymore!"
"Okay, okay. Never have I ever... gone down on someone at this table."
Everyone except Nora and a few of Ivan's old friends drank. It wasn't exactly a surprise, since there were still four couples around the table.
Mihael seemed hesitant at first.
The moment his hand started moving the bottle towards his stupid face, Lovro choked on the gulp he had just taken from his own. He coughed loudly, Jakov's hand instantly hit his back. Now he definitely had everyone's attention. He would rather die and suffocate on the damn beer right now than take another glance at Mihael sipping his drink while looking at Ivan.
What the fuck? Have at least some respect and don't look at him, while you're thinking about it.
The look he gave him after he finished coughing for his life was pure disgust.
"Never have I ever... wanted to kill someone at this table because I was a possessive windfucker."
"Ha ha, very funny, Nix!"
His whole face scrunched up in discomfort. He had stopped running away from uncomfortable situations, but this was a new level of too much.
"Hey, that really wasn't nice!" he heard Nora say as he rushed out of the room. He really needed some fresh air. He needed much more than that, actually, but he had quit smoking for Ivan and really wanted to keep that promise. (Even though Ivan never expected him to do so.)
-
Of course, Ivan followed him instantly.
"I know what you're going to say, okay?! I have to trust you. I'm being paranoid. I'm ruining your evening with your friends with my bullshit."
"No." Ivan's voice was calm and warm. He didn't touch him, though, remaining cautious.
"I wanted to say I am sorry that this is so hard for you. I just wish I knew how to make you feel better."
Lovro's whole attitude deflated in seconds. His shoulders slumped, releasing the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.
"You're actually making it worse."
Ivan's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"How can you be so empathetic with me, when I'm just being annoying? I don't deserve you and it makes everything worse."
Lovro felt defeated and numb. Even the single tear rolling down his cheek didn't make him feel embarrassed, which was more than alarming for him.
Ivan took a step towards him, always testing the waters and respecting Lovro's boundaries. But Lovro wasn't pulling away this time, so Ivan leaned forward and kissed the tear away before wrapping his arms tightly around his shoulders.
"You never have to earn my love. I simply love you," he whispered into their embrace.
He always said the right thing. It was unbelievable that Lovro was the one studying psychology. Of course, rationally, he knew all of this insecurities were going back to him believing he has to earn everything. It was probably his father's fault, but Lovro wasn't ready to go that deep into analyzing it yet.
"Sonja never irritated you like that," Ivan said after a few moments of them just holding each other in silence.
It wasn't a question, and it wasn't an accusation. Lovro had been wondering about it, too. Whether it was simply because she was a girl or because he had seen that relationship fall apart with his own eyes.
"She never felt like a threat," he finally answered earnestly. His face was still nuzzled in Ivan's hood, not ready to look up yet.
Ivan huffed a laugh at that.
"Sorry, I'm not making fun of you. The concept of anyone being a threat to you, when it comes to me is just ridiculous to me."
He took Lovro's chin in one of his hands to finally make him look up. "Because I can see no one but you."
Ivan and his fucking way with words hit Lovro like a truck again.
And fuck being cautious.
The next thing Lovro knew, he was standing on his tiptoes to press his lips softly against Ivan's. It was gentle at first— just a lingering pressure. But he was greedy tonight, so he opened his mouth to deepen the kiss.
The numbness was replaced by the tingling heat that only Ivan could spark in him. The best feeling in the world. (Though it would be even better later, when they could actually do something about it.)
For now, he ran his hands through Ivan's hair and sank his teeth into his bottom lip, making him gasp in surprise and pleasure.
When they broke apart, Lovro was more than satisfied with his handiwork, how wrecked Ivan looked. This was exactly what he wanted Mihael to see.
"Uhm, I need a minute to cool down before we can go back in there," Ivan said, a blush spreading across the bridge of his nose. Lovro wanted to eat him alive.
Later.
"I love you," he simply replied, because he hadn't said it back yet and pressed one last chaste kiss to his lips. Ivan was beaming at that, his whisker dimples showing and making Lovro's insides flutter immediately.
"Is it okay if I hold your hand?" Ivan asked when they finally made their way back to their friends. Lovro just nodded and intertwined their fingers.
-
The rest of the evening went comparatively well. With Ivan's thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand, Lovro felt content enough to be around Mihael again. Luckily, no one mentioned why he had left the room in the first place.
Vanessa gave him a reassuring glance and Lovro was certain she had made sure no one teased him about it. She was the best friend an insecure mess like him could ever wish for. Just like with his relationship with Ivan, he sometimes even doubted he was worthy of her friendship.
When they got ready to leave at the end of the evening, he pulled her into a tight hug.
"Thank you," he simply said with a shy grin.
"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied with her mysterious signature smile. She knew exactly what he was talking about.
"So, are you ready to go, gorgeous?" Ivan booped his nose affectionately. Maybe he imagined it, but the way Mihael flinched nearby actually made his heart swell. Maybe he really was an evil skater boy twink after all.