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It was when Gaz woke up floating in the middle of a lake that he knew he was going to have to get his own back on Soap MacTavish. April, May, June, no month was too fine for some ridiculous prank of his. The floating bed really took the biscuit though. Swimming back to shore in pyjamas he then had to endure several wolf whistles as he trudged, dripping, back to the barracks.
Soap caught sight of him as he left the gym, eyebrows raising in an exaggerated look of pretend surprise. Gaz was too even-tempered to swing for him, although he did briefly consider it. Ghost would have pulled a knife.
‘Think I’m an easy target, do you?’ he said, pulling at his sopping t-shirt where it was clinging to his chest.
Soap pursed his lips. ‘Don’t know what you’re talking about Garrick,’ he said and clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Why don’t I take you to breakfast by way of apology?’
‘Let me change first,’ replied Gaz, and padded soddenly to his room, trying not to think about how the ancient carpet felt beneath his bare feet.
His room, usually neat and white, was covered with posters of Soap’s face. He rounded on the other man as he burst out laughing.
‘You bastard,’ he growled, and ran after him as he bolted down the corridor. ‘I’m going to strangle you with your own fucking ballsack!’
‘I’d like to see that,’ said Price emerging from his office. ‘I’m not sure his balls are big enough for a start.’
Gaz halted, panting. ‘Sorry Captain. Didn’t see you there.’
Price looked him up and down, frowning at the state of his attire, still wet through and smudged with mud from the lake. ‘Another prank?’
Gaz nodded. Price gestured with his hand, leaning in so close Gaz could smell him; sandalwood and cigar smoke.
‘Most people think Soap is scared shitless of dogs, but it’s really hyenas that give him the heebie jeebies.’ He nodded sagely as he pulled back, as though he’d imparted the juiciest bit of intel known to man. Gaz supposed in a way he had.
‘Hyenas,’ he repeated.
‘And ghosts,’ replied Price. ‘Actual ghosts not-‘
Ghost emerged from the kitchen with a steaming cup of tea.
‘Morning Simon,’ said Price, smiling broadly. ‘Got those forms for me yet?’
Gaz took the chance to slink away. An idea was brewing.
Several weeks later he made Soap a cup of tea in a hyena mug. Soap squinted slightly at the design, but then drank from it without another word. Gaz hadn’t expected much, but it was still disappointing.
He then spent far too much money and jumped out at him while wearing a hyena shaped mask a week later. He got decked in the face for his efforts, but Soap was less scared, more surprised. He apologised while Gaz leaned against the wall, clutching his streaming nose, but then was called away by Ghost to organise the assault course. Captain Price handed him a tissue out the window of his office. They stared at each other.
‘This is your fault,’ said Gaz thickly.
‘I’m not sure pranks are really your thing Garrick,’ said Captain Price, who looked like he was trying not to laugh. ‘Maybe leave them to the jokers, aye lad?’
Dabbing at his bleeding nose Gaz nodded.
However the following morning, after finding out his toothpaste had been swapped for a tube of preparation H and his dove soap for some hideous cinnamon concoction (and just how had Soap got in his bathroom anyway?) Gaz lost his temper. Spitting out a mouthful of ointment he eyed himself in the mirror. This couldn’t go on. Someone needed to deal with Soap.
He came up with the idea while sitting in an immensely boring debriefing. While Captain Walker droned on about drones Gaz watched Soap and Ghost throwing bits of paper at each other, until Ghost decided the game was over. Soap stopped without a word of protest. Aha. That was his in. If he could somehow prank Ghost- perhaps that would finally send Soap over the edge? Anyone could see how much he adored the man, staring at him with big blue puppy eyes every time he spoke.
The idea wasn’t planned, and it came at the end of an early morning run. It was a bright, warm April day, clear enough to see the flat landscape beyond the base stretch out for miles in either direction, nothing but woods and fields where unfortunate recruits were dragged to do bushcraft training. Never on days like this one though. Usually Ghost waited until it was torrentially raining. Gaz paused at the end of the track, considering another loop, and then he saw the man in question, Lieutenant Riley all in black, jogging towards him. He nodded at him as he passed and Gaz impulsively plucked at his sleeve, making him halt.
‘Wait,’ he said. ‘Don’t go that way. I saw a hyena.’
The words were out of his mouth before he even really thought about what he was saying. He had hyenas on the brain, thanks to Price and his so called intel. Soap would have called his bluff immediately. But Ghost didn’t. He frowned.
‘A hyena?’ he said, sounding serious. ‘Are you taking the piss Sergeant?’
‘I swear, sir. As hairy and spotted as Sergeant Smith. Thought it was gonna go for me, ran all the way back.’
‘A hyena?’ said Ghost again, looking past him and over at the treeline. ‘In the woods? These woods?’
His dark eyes bored into him.
‘Yeah,’ said Gaz, keeping his face very still and nodding.
‘Well fuck,’ exclaimed Ghost, immediately turning. ‘Saddle up Sergeant, you’re coming with me.’
‘Wait, what,’ said Gaz, trailing after him. ‘Shouldn’t we alert the others? The Captain maybe?’
Ghost had very long legs, he had to break into a jog to keep up.
‘Nah let the old man rest. I’ve got this,’ replied Ghost.
Gaz followed him all the way to the armoury and watched as Ghost checked out two rifles. He had to say something. How could he end this? Ghost was going to shoot him if he found out he was pulling his leg. Gaz pressed his lips together. He said nothing as they walked back across the base, rifle slung across his chest, to hunt for the imaginary hyena.
‘You check the news?’ said Ghost suddenly, as they approached the woods.
‘Why?’ replied Gaz, ducking to avoid a low hanging branch.
‘Might be something in the news, some zoo might have lost it,’ replied Ghost. ‘Right on me. We’ll find this thing.’
Gaz eyed his rifle. ‘You’re not really going to shoot it are you?’ he said, and then wondered why he was so worried about the welfare of an imaginary animal.
‘Depends what it does,’ muttered Ghost darkly.
There was no other sound but the whisper of Gaz’s Nikes on the forest floor. Ghost made no sound. Gaz was starting to guess how he had earned his call sign. They prowled through the woods for close to half an hour and finally Ghost stilled. Gaz briefly closed his eyes, and prepared himself for the biggest bollocking of his career, but when he opened them again, he saw Ghost’s attention wasn’t on him, but a large oak tree just ahead.
‘You seeing this Gaz?’ he said, moving closer, one of his fingers tap tapping against the metal of his rifle.
Gaz frowned and finally noticed there was a rickety wooden fence starting just next to the tree. Beyond someone had cleared a space in the forest, chopping trees and neatly stacking them in a large pile. And beyond that was a small wooden kennel. Gaz ran a hand over his eyes. The kennel remained, taunting him with its unlikeliness.
‘Who would keep a dog all the way out here?’ said Ghost before a cackle split the still air.
Ghost raised his rifle. An animal appeared from the kennel, yipping and laughing, and wagging a ragged tail.
‘I don’t think that’s a dog,’ said Gaz.
It was unmistakably a hyena. Why? How? Had he somehow created it with the power of his mind? Gaz suddenly felt like he was going to pass out.
‘Take a knee Sergeant,’ said Ghost, watching him. ‘You’re probably dehydrated.’
Gaz slowly sank to the forest floor. A hyena! In the woods! This couldn’t really be happening. Ghost set down his rifle and opened a gate. The hyena rushed towards him, panting and play bowing, and Ghost picked up a stick. He threw it and the hyena rushed after it.
‘Cute innit,’ said Ghost, finally.
‘I guess,’ replied Gaz. ‘I don’t-‘ words failed him.
‘Well we can’t leave it here,’ said Ghost. ‘Animal cruelty or something.’ He slowly pulled out the cord of his hoodie and whistled to the hyena who came running. ‘Look, it’s wearing a collar. What d’ya reckon its name is?’
‘Alex,’ said Gaz, which made Ghost laugh.
He fashioned the hoodie string into a makeshift lead and then lead the hyena out of its pen. It seemed perfectly happy to follow them, making more of those strange cackles, and sneezing.
‘Give him a stroke,’ said Ghost, nudging him with his shoulder. ‘Go on, he’s friendly.’
Eyeing the animal’s teeth Gaz was starting to think Soap’s opinion on hyenas was quite sensible.
‘Maybe later,’ he replied.
Price found them on the path. He appeared rather red, and hastily dressed. He was missing his beloved hat for a start.
‘The quartermaster told me you’d checked out two rifles and headed into the woods, what the hell are the two of you-‘ he started and then opened and shut his mouth silently several times as he caught sight of the hyena. ‘Put that thing back wherever you found it!’ he finally barked, and then had to catch his breath, chest heaving.
‘Can’t leave it in the woods,’ said Ghost. ‘What if it mauls someone? Probably escaped from a zoo or summit.’
Blithely ignoring Price’s scowl he continued down the path, the hyena trotting happily next to him.
‘It seems tame,’ said Gaz, still searching for an explanation. ‘I’ll return the rifles, sir.’
Price ran a hand over his moustache. ‘Yeah well it would be wouldn’t it,’ he said and then clamped his lips together. ‘You do that Sergeant.’
He turned on his heel and strode smartly away. Gaz lingered for a second before throwing himself after him.
‘Captain!’ he panted. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Fuck me the paperwork for this is gonna kill me,’ groaned Price. He wouldn’t look at him, staring straight ahead, at the edge of the base and the sprawling buildings, and Ghost and his new pet walking towards them.
‘Is this your hyena?’ said Gaz.
Price finally turned his head. ‘Don’t be daft Sergeant,’ he finally replied, before digging in a back pocket for his Marlboro Lights. ‘Cig?’
After checking the rifles back in and finally changing out of his sweaty clothes Gaz went to find Ghost. He traversed across half the base before noticing quite a crowd had gathered outside one of the aircraft hangers. Pushing through the watching soldiers he found Ghost leaning against a supply crate and tossing a tennis ball for the hyena, who was running excitedly between the helicopters to retrieve it. It also seemed he’d fed it. There was a half empty bowl of cornflakes on the concrete floor, and another of water. Gaz was just glad they weren’t his bowls.
‘Hey Gaz, watch this!’ said Ghost, looking up as he approached. He whistled and the hyena approached, yipping and snorting. He held out his hand. After a moment the hyena raised a paw. ‘He knows tricks.’
‘Sit,’ tried Gaz.
The hyena sneezed good naturedly before completely ignoring him, locked on to the ball in Ghost’s fist.
‘Go on then,’ said Ghost, and chucked it. ‘Good boy Alex.’ He glanced at Gaz again. ‘We should get him a sweater.’
‘A-a sweater?’ said Gaz, wondering if the whole world had gone mad and if it was his turn next. ‘Like to-to wear?’
‘Yeah, he’s a skinny little thing. He might get cold,’ said Ghost, and ruffled the hyena’s hair as he dropped the spit covered ball into his lap.
‘Looks like Soap,’ said Gaz, and finally reached down to thread his fingers through the hyena’s mohawk. He straightened up. ‘Where is he anyway?’
‘Oh he took one look at Alex and locked himself in the ground floor bathroom. Hey, where you going?’ added Ghost as Gaz immediately turned.
‘To borrow some toothpaste,’ said Gaz grimly.
Nothing much happened after that, although Gaz took grim satisfaction at the thought of Soap spitting out a mouthful of preparation H after he stole all his toothpaste. Ghost took the hyena for walks around the base, and threw balls for it on the assault course. Soap decided he needed to clean his guns every time this happened. He ended up with the cleanest, most well-oiled weapons on the base.
A week later an unmarked helicopter landed on the back lawn. Gaz, along with half the base, went to see who is was. He expected a representative from a safari park, Ghost had been putting in enquiries, but it was Nikolai that stepped out. He beamed upon seeing Gaz waiting there.
‘Garrick!’ he cried. ‘It is good to see you. Price still running you into the ground eh?’
‘Something like that,’ said Gaz. ‘What are you doing here?’
Nikolai tapped the side of his nose. ‘Ah business. Always business. Where is Price? He said he’d meet me.’
They both looked over at the same moment as Captain Price and Ghost burst out the double doors to D wing, Alex running alongside.
‘There she is!’ crowed Nikolai, crouching, and the hyena made a beeline right for him, and leapt into his arms.
‘He’s a girl?’ said Gaz.
‘This is your hyena?’ said Ghost at the same moment.
‘Yes to both,’ replied Nikolai, smiling as the hyena licked his chin. ‘Her name is Natasha. After my second wife. Unlike second wife however, she is much nicer.’
‘Does that mean you’re taking her then,’ said Ghost, voice pulled in on itself. Behind his mask his face had dropped.
Nikolai looked at him, the hyena still squirming in his arms. ‘That was intention yes, but Price tells me you’re taking very good care of her.’ He tipped the animal in Ghost’s arms. ‘Here. You like, you have, hm?’ Moving away he clapped Price on the back. ‘How about that drink eh old friend?’
‘Wait, wait, Nikolai, this is a hell of a lot of paperwork! Nikolai!’ Price protested as he was hustled away with a firm hand on his shoulder.
Ghost set Alex down, the hyena looked up at him.
‘Cидеть,’ he said, and Alex immediately sat. Behind his mask Ghost grinned.
‘I didn’t know you knew Russian,’ said Gaz.
‘Learnt it off Johnny,’ said Ghost. He leaned in and winked. ‘Works on him too. Alex. Приходить.’
He moved away, the hyena trotting after him.
‘Tell him if he pranks me again I’ll find another hyena!’ cried Gaz after him.
Ghost turned and mock saluted. ‘Will do Sergeant. Come on girl.’
He disappeared with the hyena behind the barracks, heading for the woods.