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In the time he had been forced to get to know Hayden Pike, Ilya Rozanov had discovered three indisputable truths about the man. The first was the most obvious: he loved his wife. The second, which contrary to popular belief, was not contradictory to the first fact and in truth was plainly obvious to anyone with eyes: he was bisexual. And the third, most unfortunate, fact that constantly plagued Ilya against his will: he was completely oblivious to the second fact about himself.
Ilya still vividly remembered the first time he had discovered both fact two and three about Hayden: It had been the one of the earliest dinners Shane had dragged him to at the Pike's house. Not the first because if it was the first time there was no way Hayden would have felt comfortable enough with Ilya to let him watch a movie with him and his kids. But still early enough in their… Shane’s-important-people? ...Friends-in-Law??... Enemies-On-Hold???- relationship for it to be awkward. Ruby and Jade insisted on Mulan (they’re newest favorite movie according to Jackie) before plopping on the couch next to their father. Ilya hadn’t known the twins very well at that point but he knew them just enough to be fond of them. They had inherited all their mothers best traits, with an additional helping of spunk and sass, and none of their father's bad traits (yes he is absolutely that bad, Shane). Ilya had never actually seen Mulan before but he trusted the twins' taste. As he watched he got a clearer picture of the plot e which appeared to be ‘girl does drag in order to save father’s life and save China. She also ends up seducing a hot bisexual general, first as a fem-boy and then as her true tom-boy self.’ All and all many great messages for kids. Though just as he was really getting into it, about half way through the movie, Hayden turned to Jackie and Shane. And in a casual whisper, just low enough to not be heard by the kids, said:
“When I was much younger I used to wish one of the guys on my team was actually secretly a girl dressed up like a guy like Mulan so I could date him. I guess I watched this movie one too many times.” Ilya snapped his neck around to stare at Hayden who was softly chuckling. Was this Hayden’s way of coming out? It seemed rather casual but maybe he didn’t care? I mean it wasn’t like it would affect him that much, given the wife and all that. Nobody else was reacting much, either. Was this something everyone knew?
“You wanted to date your teammate, Pike?” Ilya tried to not let his disbelief show through his voice.
“Well um no or like kinda. I mean I would’ve absolutely dated him in a heartbeat if he had been a girl but he was a guy, and like I’m straight. I don’t date guys.” Okay, so Hayden would have dated his teammate if he was a girl. And by his own confession Hayden also apparently used to day-dream about this guy secretly being a girl, meaning he wanted him to be a girl…So it could be easily concluded that by use of the mathematical transitive property (and basic logic): Hayden had wanted to date his teammate…But he was perfectly straight. Yep, definitely. “Besides I can’t even think about dating anyone but Jackie, anymore” (rule #1 strikes again).
Ilya elected to not voice his opinions further. It was fine, it wasn’t like Hayden needed to know to know this about himself. He’s clearly happily married and it’s not like he’s going through any sort of crisis of identity. Ilya could be normal about this and just leave Hayden to be forever ignorant of his own bisexuality. Ya, he could do that. He would just also ask Shane about it. For a second opinion of course (totally not because Ilya likes to gossip).
—------------------------
“Is Pike bi?” The good thing about being in a long term relationship is that you could skip any sort of gentle opener to a conversation and just get to the good part. Or at least that’s what Ilya liked to think. Instantly after the words left Ilya’s mouth, Shane made a sound at the back of his throat akin to a dying seal and turned to stare at Ilya. He coughed for a moment trying to clear his throat of the mass amount of toothpaste he’d probably accidentally swallowed.
“What are you talking about? Hayden’s the straightest guy I know.” Shane coughed out.
“Is he though?” Ilya raised an eyebrow.
“He is literally obsessed with Jackie.” Shane sounded a bit flabbergasted.
“Can love your wife and still be bi. Liking both is kinda the whole deal with being bisexual, is it not?” Ilya shrugged.
“I mean hypothetically but Hayden’s like straight straight. Like textbook heterosexual.” Shane rolled his eyes and went back to brushing his teeth.
“He said he used to want to date his male teammate, like, an hour ago. Does not sound very straight to me.” Ilya pointed out.
“No, he said he would’ve dated his teammate if he was a girl. Besides, weren't you the one that said that straight guys act ‘gayer’ than most actual gay people.” Shane grumbled back.
“I meant they do shit like pretend to jerk each other off as joke, not that they confess to wishing their teammate was girl so they could date them.” Ilya threw out his hands for dramatic effect.
“I mean when you put it like that it does sound slightly gay…” Shane stared out the ceiling like he was deeply considering the possibility. He spit out the remaining toothpaste and began to wash out his mouth with water.
“It sounded gay when he said it!” Ilya loudly exclaimed. “God, I feel like I’m losing my mind. Like I’m trapped in horror movie where nobody but me can see something’s wrong but instead of evil shadow monster, it’s Pike’s sexuality. Which is far scarier and not something I ever wanted to think about.”
“Why do you even care? I thought you didn’t like Hayden.” Shane scoffed.
“Because it’s so obvious. It’s so obvious and everyone is telling me it’s not obvious and I feel like I’m going insane. I couldn’t give less of a shit if everyone just agreed or Pike was the least bit aware of it, but no. And also now I am forced to spend time thinking about Pike which is almost worse than feeling insane.” Ilya was going to start pulling his hair out if this kept up.
“Jesus. You should go to bed. I guarantee you this will not matter to you once you’ve slept for a bit.” Shane began to walk away clearly heading towards their bed. Ilya immediately caved in, shamelessly following behind Shane. It wasn’t like this really mattered anyway, right? Hayden was forever going to live in oblivion either blinded by love for his wife or his own stupidity and Ilya was never going to care again. Yes, that is exactly how this is going to go.
—---------------------
Unfortunately, that is not how anything went at all. Ilya did not want to care about Hayden Pike’s sexuality, like at all. But how could he not when Hayden kept saying insane shit like:
“Ya, I never really liked Fight Club. I would just turn it on to look at the guys’ physique. Good workout inspo Y’know?” Ah, yes, the incredibly heterosexual activity of admiring other men’s bodies.
Or,
“I mean I used to be crazy nervous to talk to some of the guys when I was a rookie, like, I’m talking heart pounding, hot face and body, I would get all queasy, but most of it went away when I started dating Jackie. I mean she really helped me improve as a person.” Yep, Ilya was completely convinced that it was all Jackie helping with his self esteem that made him less nervous around certain players and not the fact that dating Jackie meant that, even subconsciously, he wasn’t looking to date anyone else.
Or even,
“When I was in high school I used to kinda enjoy when other players shoved me into the boards, I don’t know, it was exciting. Kinda got over it around when I started dating Jackie. I guess I grew out of it once I got older and stuff. Or Jacks knocked some sense into me.” Well that was far more than Ilya ever needed or wanted to know about Pike’s secret kinks (secret to himself as well it seems).
All and all Ilya was suffering. He kind of wanted to tie Pike to a chair and point out how most straight people do not think or say things like that, maybe then Hayden would get it through his thick skull. According to that one American movie about that gay cheerleader it was a decently effective strategy. Though Shane probably wouldn’t be a big fan of the idea of kidnapping and psychologically abusing his best friend so that was probably off the table. Though maybe he could still stage an intervention…Just be a bit gentler than full on tying him to a chair. Ya that could work. Especially if he got Shane on board.
—---------------------------------
Ilya cleared his throat. He was standing in front of Shane (who was lying on their bed only half paying attention) like he was about to give a full slide show presentation.
“So, Pike is bisexual.” Ilya started
“Oh my god are we still talking about that?!” Shane quickly interrupted.
“Yes of course we are.” Ilya said, his exacerbation obvious in his tone.
“Just ignore it or him or I don’t really care.”
“I tried to ignore it. But no, I can't ignore. I can’t ignore when he is so obvious and yet still somehow oblivious of it.” Ilya grumbled.
“Look I know. I’ve noticed him saying some…objectively very gay things ever since you pointed it out.” Shane sighed. “But at the end of the day does it really matter? I mean he’s married, very happily, to a woman. I don’t know why he would need to know he’s bi?”
“Wow, are you saying bisexuals aren’t still queer when they are in heterosexual relationships?” Ilya put his hand to his chest in exaggerated offense. “Or are you saying that being queer is just about relationships rather than an important part of identity.”
“Shut the fuck up, you know that’s not what I meant.” Shane rolled his eyes.
“Denying your mistakes rather than trying to fix any damage you’ve done…” Ilya shook his head “I thought you were better than this Shane.”
“Ilya.” Shane glared.
“Sorry.” Ilya giggled. “No, but we gently make Pike realize he’s bisexual, he stops saying insane shit, I never have to think about his sexuality again, everyone is happy. And maybe even once he stops living in denial it removes stick permanently stuck up his ass.”
“Ilya, be nice.” Shane sighed.
“What? I am simply helping Pike with part of his identity. Is very kind of me.” Ilya smirked.
“Ilya, I swear to god.” Shane massaged his temples.
“Also would be very progressive for Pike to come out. Let people know it’s okay to be bad at hockey and be queer.”
“Ilya.”
“What all other queer players have also been good players. Give or take Scott Hunter. The people need a queer player that defies this expectation of having to be good at hockey.”
“He’s not even bad at hockey, Ilya.” Shane sighed.
“I beg to differ…”
“You know what, fine. You can tell Hayden’s that he’s bi or whatever but you're not dragging me into this. You do this on your own.” Shane flipped over to grab his phone, which was Shane speak for ‘no matter what you do I’m not participating in the conversation anymore’. Though nonetheless Ilya persisted in begging.
“C’mon I barely know Pike. He’ll just punch me if I try to tell him on my own.” Ilya waited a beat. “So you want me to get punched in the face? This is what you are telling me. So you hate me?”
Ilya flopped down next to Shane, who did not at all acknowledge him, not even Ilya started gently kissing his shoulder. So Shane was actually serious; he was firmly on his own, Ilya thought grimly. Though if he really tried he might be able to pull this off. He would just have to be subtle. Subtle enough that Hayden didn’t immediately think he was just fucking with him. But not too subtle so that Hayden didn’t realize anything about himself. Yep, Ilya could be subtle, he was practically a master at subtly. (That time he jerked off in the shower in front of a cute hockey player he thought might be gay didn’t count.)
—----------------------------
Hayden Pike liked to think of himself as a perfectly average man. Sure, maybe being a professional high level athlete was the opposite of what most people would call normal but besides that he was just sort of a guy. He loved his wife, his job, his kids, and his best friend. He lived in a, albeit larger than average, beautiful home with a backyard and grilled on the weekends. A stereotypical suburban father personified. Hayden loved his life, obviously he didn’t think it made him better than anyone who wasn’t so cookie cutter or whatever, but he enjoyed it for himself whole heartily. It was just nice to not need to think too deeply about any aspect of himself because everything about him was exactly what you would expect. Hayden was about as default as it could get.
Though recently his best friend’s husband was really destroying his peace. It wasn’t exactly out of character for Ilya, in fact it was very in character for him to annoy and anger Hayden for his own amusement, but he had really been taking it to a new level recently. He kept asking weird things to Hayden and then hardcore interrogating him after Hayden gave him any sort of answer to his first question. Like last week, when he had for some reason asked Hayden’s opinion on Mr. Darcy from 2006 Pride and Prejudice adaptation:
“I mean I kinda thought he was a dick at first but then after the rain scene I think I understood what Elizabeth saw in him.” Hayden shrugged. He had never actually thought that deeply about the 2006 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Or at all really.
“Oh why did the rain scene specifically make you like Mr. Darcy.” Hayden wasn’t sure why Ilya was all of a sudden interested in Jane Austen.
“Well I guess it was pretty romantic. Nice to hear him finally admit his feelings as well. He was pretty attractive in the scene as well so that helps.”
“Oh so you think Mr. Darcy’s hot?” Ilya raised an eyebrow. If Ilya was any other player Hayden would think he was teasing Hayden about coming off as gay. But it wouldn’t make sense for Ilya to be homophobic. Given…well, everything.
“I mean like objectively, ya.” Hayden had no problem admitting that. Everyone found certain men attractive, just like they did women. It was normal.
“Really? I do not find him very attractive.” Ilya shrugged. “Maybe like a six out of ten.”
“A six out of ten?” Hayden was genuinely taken aback by that. “He’s at least an eight, Jesus.”
“Ah I don’t see it, really. Different taste in men I suppose.” Ilya shrugged. Hayden guessed that made sense–Wait no. Different tastes in men suggested he had a taste in men. Which he did not. Hayden was straight. He could just tell when a man was objectively attractive looking. Obviously.
—--------------------------
“Has Ilya been acting weird around you?” Hayden asked as Jackie flopped down onto their bed. Her hair still soaked wet from her shower.
“No, not at all. Ilya just likes to mess with you.” She sighed. “You’re not exactly soft on him either.”
“Ya I know that.” Hayden grumbled. “But I asked Shane about it, and he told me to ‘just ignore him’ which means he has been acting weird.”
“Have you tried listening to Shane and just ignoring him?” Jackie rolled her eyes slightly.
“Ya I have and he keeps acting weird.” Hayden slammed his head back for dramatic effect. “He won’t stop fucking interrogating me about shit.”
“What is he even interrogating you about?” Jackie smiled.
“Mostly like movies, I guess." Hayden shrugged. “Like he’ll ask me a question then get hung up on a very specific part of my answer.”
“Can you give me an example?” Jackie was giggling now.
“Like a couple weeks ago he asked me if Terminator 2 was a good movie and when I said that ‘I mean it’s about two hot people doing action movie shit, what’s not to like?’ he got really hung up on the fact that I found the Terminator hot? But like he’s played by Arnold Schwarzenegger obviously he’s hot, I can tell that as a straight guy. Then he had a similar reaction when I said Mr. Darcy was attractive but like obviously, he’s attractive, he’s Mr. Darcy?”
Jackie suddenly burst out laughing.
“What?” Hayden raised an eyebrow.
“Nothing it’s nothing.” Her continued giggling was not indicative of nothing, though.
“Are you serious, Jacks?” Hayden sighed.
“It’s nothing I promise.” She tried to compose herself but then quickly burst out laughing again. Great now his wife was acting weird as well. Perfect.
“It’s not nothing.” Hayden fumbled for his words. “I don’t get it. What do you guys know that I don’t?”
“Hayden, honey. Can you think of what Ilya might have been trying to ask you?” Jackie smiled softly. Hayden elected to ignore that her tone and expression were dangerously similar to the ones she used when trying to explain to one of their toddlers why throwing glass wasn’t a good idea.
“I don’t know questions about movies?” Hayden shrugged.
“Anything in particular about these movies?” Jackie raised an eyebrow. Hayden thought for a moment. Suddenly the pieces started to click together in his head.
“Wait.” Hayden started. “Is this a convoluted way for him to get me to call certain men attractive so he can call me gay?”
Jackie burst out laughing again.
“It is!” Hayden concluded. “Wait, but why would he of all people make fun of someone for being gay? Seems kinda hypocritical. Also it’s not gay to find people of the same sex attractive. Everyone does to a certain extent.”
“You want to expand on that a little?” Jackie had gone back to trying to suppress her laughter.
“Ugh you know what I mean.” Hayden grumbled. “How could anyone decide which gender they wanted to date if they didn’t find each gender at least a little attractive? You need like a baseline for what it’s like to be attracted to either gender so they can be like ‘oh I like this better than that.’. “
“Hayden, honey, I love you. But that is absolutely not how anything has ever worked.” Jackie smiled. “I have never in my life had to make a conscious decision to just date men. I am just not attracted to women. People can’t choose who they are attracted to, just who they want to date...which is what I think you’re describing.”
“My whole life I thought that when people said shit like ‘you can’t help who you love’ they meant like ‘you can’t change what gender you want to date more’. And I was like ‘ya’ because I’ve always just generally liked the idea of dating women more than men. But you're telling me that some people just are straight up not attracted at all to their same gender.” Hayden ran a hand threw his hair. “Is this something everyone knows?”
“I hate to break it to you, but like ya.”
“God I’m such an idiot.” Hayden paused for a moment. “Wait, does this mean I’m bisexual!?”
“Oh, most definitely.” Jackie said with a scary amount of certainty.
“How would you know that? You can’t read my mind.” Hayden huffed.
“I’ve dated enough straight men to know that you're not one of them.” Jackie shrugged. “Also, the fact I've lived in the same house as you for years, helps.”
“Has everyone just known this about me?” Hayden felt more embarrassed than anything else.
“No, actually. At least that I’ve noticed.” Jackie rubbed her chin. “Just me and well Ilya I guess.”
“Ugh gross.” Hayden hated the idea of Rozanov knowing anything about his sexuality. “Well, what now?”
“Doesn’t change anything for me. I have known this about you for longer than you have.” Jackie leaned back.
“Well, it doesn’t really matter to me either.” Though Hayden was starting to rethink a lot of his childhood. Ya, because he probably cried about his best-friend in middle school getting asked out to the eighth-grade dance for other reasons than it would distract him from hockey. And, okay, maybe he did enjoy Gladiator for a little more than the plot.
“Well at least I can judge you for your type in men openly now.” Jackie chuckled, her smile cutting deep into her eyes, the smile that Hayden had fallen in love with. Hayden would happily accept that his taste in men was absolutely horrible. It was a fair trade given that his taste in women was absolutely perfect.
“Oh, and I guess there is one more thing I need to do now.”
“What?” Jackie gave him a confused look.
—--------------------------
Ilya smiled down at Shane. He had fallen asleep on Ilya’s lap about halfway through the movie he was watching. Ilya didn’t really blame Shane, the movie was absolutely terrible. Ilya was only watching it on his quest to finish every single Netflix rom-com. Why was he doing this? Honestly Ilya wasn’t quite sure anymore. They had all ranged from the worst thing he’s ever laid his eyes on to decently forgettable. But finishing them all had shifted to a matter of principle, and Ilya was far, far too stubborn to give up. Suddenly though, completely disturbing Ilya;s peace, his phone rang. Ilya groaned and shifted to pick it up. Oh, it was Pike calling. Even better.
“What do you want—” Ilya tried to start.
“Stay out of my head and my busines you fucking freak also, you’re ugly, you’re disgusting, I’m gonna kill you, give me two hundred dollars.” Pike hung up the phone without another word.
‘
“What……”
THE END