Archive of Our Own

Sam took the right of the open barn door, Dean took the left. The information Jody gave them turned up good, a vamps nest just bordering Illinois and Missouri’s.

It came in good timing too. They’d been cooped up in the bunker for months after Chuck's defecation.

Dean spent half of those in a drunken grief, and the other half following Cas around like a beaten puppy after his return.

And Sam understood. He, Dean and Jack all grieved Cas different, he knew that. He knew every time Cas died, a piece of Dean died along with him.

He saw it in the way his big brother would just stare off into nothingness. The way he would watch the entrance of the bunker doors, like he was waiting for something.

He saw it in the saw Dean would drink himself unconscious. He saw it when Dean stopped cooking, when he stopped sleeping in his room, when he stopped shaving and when he stopped doing anything but sit in the library with his laptop in front of him; playing what Sam could only assume was bunker footage.

He saw it on Baby when he walked into the garage and saw her tail end hood and smashed in, a stray tire iron thrown across the garage. He saw it every time Dean looked at Jack. He felt it every time he looked at him too.

He tried not to let it show. But he missed cas too. He missed him on everything he did. He had Dean. He always did and always will. But Cas was his first consistent ‘friend’.

They didn’t get along that well at first, but when they did, it just clicked. Cas was a bit ditzy sure, but he was so intelligent, and enjoyed conversing about ‘boring’ and ‘nerdy’ topics just as much as he did.

He enjoyed talking about his past life experiences, and Sam liked hearing about them. He liked asking questions and he liked that Cas would answer each one without an ounce of boredom seeping into his responses.

He loved Cas, and he missed him so much. But he also knew Cas and Dean were something from an entirely different realm.

They had something profound and he knew it. Everyone knew it twelve years ago and everyone knew it now. Sam missed Cas, but Dean needed him.

Which is why he let go of the whole ‘what happened back there’ conversation with Dean. He thought giving him time to press it would help. And maybe it did, but he never got the chance to ask because after two months, Cas was back.

Weak, covered on black goo but he was back, and Dean was.. different.

Sam wasn’t stupid. He knew Cas and Dean had some kind of tension going on. The way they looked at each other, the way they practically stood on top of each other- everything.

He tried to bring it up to Dean once or twice over the past decade but every time, he was shut down with passive aggression and what he could only assume was offense.

Cas was more open about it, vague and hidden behind bigger things, but more open none the less.

So obviously, he understood when Dean clung to Cas like a needy dog after his return. But the codependency was getting pretty bad, to the point Dean couldn’t stand not being in the same room as Cas, couldn’t stand not being there to wait on him hand and foot. It was a bit amusing- sure.

But at the same time, Dean needed to get out and stretch his legs. He needed to get some one on one time with Dean.

When Jody tipped him off about the vamp nest, Sam took the chance. And after he pulled the ‘bro time’ card, Dean didn’t refuse.

Dean put his hand up, hiding out of the light that came out the open barn door. The distinct smell of pot coming from inside, alongside the slow rhymes of pop music and people talking.

Dean closed his fist, then opened his hand to the door. A sign for ‘ready?’. One of those dumb tactical hand singles dad taught them from the military, over the years they made it their own, especially when they mixed in some actual ASL hand signs.

Sam nodded, pressing his shoulder up against the barn's doorframe. Dean began to count down from five.

Sam brought his gun up by his shoulder, taking a deep breath and bracing himself up against the side wall.

Four, three, two-

The sound of Led Zeppelin’s ‘Ten Years Gone’ began playing over the soft pop that came from inside the barn.

Dean clambered to grab his phone from his jacket pocket, quickly hanging it up but it was too late. The music and voices inside stopped, there was a long, silent pause before Dean just whispered “Go!”

At once they both pushed themselves for the side wall, launching into the barn. One vamp was already in front of him, Sam pulled the trigger and blew his jaw off.

It did little to stop the vamp, it launched forward again and Sam grabbed him by the jacket, turning to slam him against the back wall and shutting it again in the head.

They still had a bunch of those vampire killing bullets left in the bunker, and plenty of time to figure out how to make more. So Vamp hunts were easier than ever.

Sam turned around with enough time to pistol whip another vamp that jumped at him.

They guesstimated it was a small group of three, but there were six of them in that barn. Sam glanced left to see Dean straggling to fight off a blond woman.

Struggling because instead of using both of his arms in full motion to fight off the vamp, one shoulder was hunched up to his ear, holding his phone while he attempted to pin her arms down to the floor with his knees.

“No- yah, no. It’s fine.” Dean grunted, holding down her head with a stiff arm and shoving the gun in her mouth, aiming up and pulling the trigger. “Just some vampires. What’s going on?”

That’s when Sam realized Dean actually picked up the phone when it first rang. He didn’t have enough time to ask Dean what the hell he was doing because another vamp jumped on him from behind.

He fell back to slam it between the barn wall and his body, turning to shoot the vamp in the chest.

This was the quickest part about hunts, the actual hunting (ie killing monsters). The fights lasted a few minutes at most.

One of the remaining three vampires ran out the barn doors, he glanced over to Dean, who singled for him to go before running out after him.

He aimed and shot at the vamp in the leg just as he entered the tree line. He cursed himself, running after the guy, following a small trail of blood to the vampire leaned up against a tree, and shot him between the eyes.

He ran back in the barn to see one of the two vamps left, dead on the floor and the other on top of Dean, straddling him right and leaning too close to his neck.

“Dean!” Before Sam could attempt to help, two shots rang out from their squabbling bodies and the girl on top of Dean slumped down on top of Dean.

Sam sighed, tuning on his gun's safety and shoving it in his waist band.

“Fucking hell.” Dean groaned, shoving the girl off of himself and sitting up. He ended up shooting once between the ribs and once in the heart, meaning she was bleeding all over on top of him.

“Gross.” Dean reached up to wipe the blood around his mouth, still clutching his phone.

Sam huffed, walking around the dead bodies, giving them all a few nudges to make sure they were dead.

Dean brought his phone up to his ear again. “Hey? You there?” He waited for a few seconds, pulling it away to click at the power button before cursing under his breath. “Fuckin died.”

“Really, Dean?” Sam snapped, glaring at his brother, who was still laying on the barn floor. “Who was that?”

“Cas, he was just checking up.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “How could you forget to turn off your ringer- actually, since when do you even keep your ringer on?”

“Chill out dude. I just forgot.” Dean groaned, finally picking himself up off the ground, pulling open his leather jacket to wipe his hands off on the clean part of the flannel underneath. “You get the other one?”

“Yah, somewhere outside.”

“Alright, drag him in. I’ll get the lighter fluid.” Dean patted his shoulder, leaving some blood stains in its wake.

He grumbled but did as told, finding his way back to the dead body slouched on the woodland floor, trying to find a good way to carry it inside the barn.

He decided to just toss him over his shoulder, and made his way back, stopping at Dean fumbling with his phone next to the Impala. He’d taken off his leather jacket and flannel, leaving him in only an old band T.

“What’s going on?”

“It’s not charging.” Dean held up his phone, it was plugged into a portable charger, but its screen had an error message about the port being wet, unable to charge.

“You probably got blood in the port.” Sam adjusted the man over his shoulder.

“Fuckin great.” Dean sighed, taking out the shotgun that propped open the impalas trunk and letting it fall shut. They made their way back in the barn and started pulling the bodies together.

In the center of the barn were old velour car seats, forming a semi circle. Dean picked up a bong from a small end table near the seats, shaking it at Sam. “Guys knew how to party!”

“Don’t touch that, Dean.” He picked up a straw bale and tossed them around the bodies, hopefully to speed up the burning process.

“You ever smoke one of these?” Dean ignored him, wiping the bongs rim with the hem of his Tee.

“You’re gonna catch something.” He warned,
Using the straw bricks to form a kind of wall working the bodies.

“What, you think I’ll get vamp AIDS or something?” Dean laughed to himself, picking up a litter that rested on the table and trying to light the bow.

“You’re not funny, Dean.” He threw some stray straw in Dean's direction, just to throw something at his brother.

It started to smoke a bit, but Dean didn’t try and inhale any of it, instead watching the few streams of smoke come up as he removed his finger from the hole on the side. “Have you though?” Dean reiterated.

“Yah, once like fifteen years ago.” Sam watched as Dean put down the bong, pawing through the other various items on the end table; a grinder, pack of cigarettes, ash tray and a blood bag.

“Really? College?” Dean picked up the pack of cigarettes, opening them and pulling one out, shoving the rest of the pack in his jeans.

“I did a lot of shit in college.” He gestured for Dean to toss him the bottle of lighter fluid.

“Yah? Like what?” Dean tossed him the bottle, then flicked open his zippo to light the end of his cigarette.

“A lot of nun-ya.” He uncapped the yellow bottle and began spraying it over the pile of bodies and straw.

“Come on! Tell me. Let me live vicariously through you.” Dean inhaled, then blew smoke out of his nose. After Cas came back, Dean quit drinking.

He never came out and outright said it, but it was obvious. He drank coffee and energy drinks instead. Sam wondered if he would pick up smoking again too.

“You smoked pot, what else?” Dean turned his head away to blow more smoke out his mouth.

“I didn’t do any crazy drugs, Dean. It was college, not a rave.” He walked in a circle around the bodies, ending when he reached Dean.

The whole barn smelled like manure, blood and pot. But standing next to Dean, all he could smell was the cigarette smoke coming from what he held between his fingers. It smelled like dad, like old, yellow stained motel rooms and dads leather jacket.

“Boo.” Dean patted his arm, drawing them both to the barn door, leaving a small line of lighter fluid behind them.

“You weren’t one of those frat boys, were you?” Dean took the cigarette from his mouth, playing with it in his hands for a few moments.

“No.” He scoffed. “I got high once with a friend.” Sam shifted his weight, tossing the empty bottle into the barn.

A friend.

“I got so high I passed out on the floor.”

Dean smirked, flicking the cigarette inside, a line of fire bursted up and traveled to the stack of bodies in seconds.

They turned to make their way back to Baby, parked a few yards away, slipping in their seats.

Sam pulled out his phone and shot Eileen a text with their location, and instructions to call about a fire In a few minutes. They were in the middle of a dry forest area, and he didn’t want to risk being the cause of a massive wild fire.

They drove in silence for a solid minute before Dean cleared his throat. “Uh.. can you call Cas? Phones dead.”

Sam let out a small laugh, but indulged anyway, pulling out his phone and calling Cas on speaker.

It only took a few rings for Cas to pick up. “Hello?”

“Hey, Angel!”

Angel. That's new.

“Sorry, my phone died.”

“Dean.” Cas paused on the other end, and Sam could practically hear the small smile forming on the angel's lips. “That’s alright. I apologize for interrupting your hunt.”

“Nah, you’re good, man.” Dean shook his head, and Sam could see the tension falling off his brother in real time. “Remember what I said? Call me whenever you want. I’ll pick up.”

Sam smiled at that too. Who knew his brother could be a sap? He did. That’s who.

“Is Sam there with you?”

“Hey Cas.” He responded, opening the glove compartment to pull out the small Sudoku book he packed.

“Hello, Sam.” Cas said, equally content. “How did the hunt go?”

“Good. Found the vamp nest after like an hour of asking around.“ Dean hit his palms against the wheel.

“Are you both alright?” Cas asked, he could hear movement on the other side, the quiet flipping of paper, of pages.

“Yah, we’re fine.” Sam responded, clicking open a pen to start on the first page of sudoku. He could already tell his phone would be occupied for a while.

“Nothin we couldn’t handle.” Dean assured.

“That’s good.“

“How are you? The kid?”

“He’s okay.” Cas sighed. “We went to the farmers market shortly after you two left. We went on a walk as well, he found a rock in the shape of a heart. He added it to his rock collection. He’ll want to show you when you get home, I’m sure.

“He was very adamant on staying up with me while I translated a scroll, but he fell asleep two hours ago.”

“Dude! You gotta stop letting him stay up so late.” Dean scolded.

“I try not to, but I find he learns best by trial and error.” The sound of another page turning.

“Is that what you're doing now?” Sam asked. “Translating?”

“No. I finished that about thirty minutes before you called. Right now, I’m reading through the newspaper.”

“Of course you are.” Dean laughed. “Bored without me?”

Sam could see the moment the cringe and regret came over Dean's face.

He tried not to make it obvious he saw, instead Sam watched the fire brewing in the rearview mirror. The further they drive the smaller it got. He hoped it wouldn’t spread into a wild fire.

Cas hummed, but he didn’t respond or acknowledge what Dean said. Probably the best response actually.

“Technology has replaced the wide usage of the newspaper. I find that sad. There are so many different aspects I enjoy about it.” Cas said. “…Would you like to hear your horoscopes?”

“You believe in that crap?” Dean started, but quickly corrected himself. “But uh sure. Let’s hear it.”

Sam eyed Dean, lately Dean has been so eager to please when it came to Cas. When he first got back from the empty, one of the first things he did was cook him a meal.

Even though Cas didn’t eat, and had no real reason to eat the food Dean made, he ate it anyway. Dean demanded Cas change out of his dirty suit and gave him some of his clothes while he washed the goop from Cas’s coat.

He turned into the clingiest caregiver he’d ever seen, but again, he understood why. Didn’t mean it wasn’t odd to see.

“Sam.” Cas started. “You were born May second, 1983 at 6:55 pm. You’re a Taurus sun and Capricorn moon. Here is your reading.”

Sam smiled, eyed his phone on the dash. He really did miss Cas, even if he was only gone for a few months, he missed his quirkiness.

“You have a voice, so be sure you use it. Holding back is pointless and counterproductive. You care deeply about the ones you love, but that doesn’t mean you have to stand by in silence. Push them in the right direction, meet them half way.”

“Kinda vague, don’t you think?” Dean looked over, he never did believe in anything like horoscopes or zodiac signs.

“Pretty sure that’s the point, Dean.” Sam turned to the next sudoku level. “You’re supposed to take what you need and apply it to your life.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Dean.”

“Yah?” Dean snapped his head forward, his attention back on Cas.

“Aquarius sun and Sagittarius moon. Fear is something that consumes you, holds you back. You think ignoring problems makes them go away, it doesn’t. It’s never too late to be yourself.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Dean snarked.

“Be yourself, probably.” Sam laughed, crossing out a six and changing it to a nine. Pen was probably a bad choice for sudoku.

Dean grumbled, turning off a dirt road and onto the main one. “What’s yours say, Cas?”

“I don’t have one.” Cas stated.

“What?” Dean picked up Sam's phone and placed it in his lap. Like he was trying to get closer to Cas, even over the phone.

“I don’t have a birthday, thus I have no zodiac sign and subsequently, no horoscope.”

Dean's face scrunched, and Sam could see something flash across it, something he’d never seen before. Hurt? Shame? Whatever it was, he couldn’t tell.

“We’ll make one up.” Dean nodded.

“Make one up?” Cas asked.

“Yah. Like pick a day and that’ll be your birthday!” He gripped the wheel tight. “You- we should’ve gotten you one before. But uh, yah pick one.”

“Okay..” Cas paused. “How about September 18th?”

“Okay.” Dean nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay yah.”

September was the month Dean was saved, obviously. It was sweet really, how much they liked each other. In such small subtle ways, sure. But it was still sweet. “A Virgo.” Sam added.

“It says here Virgos are Loyal, analytical, practical and detail oriented.” Cas read aloud.

“That’s actually.. a pretty good description of you.“ Dean laughed.

Cas continued. “It says; Although you generally like to keep both feet on the ground and proceed in a stable, organized manner, there's a strong force encouraging you to spread your wings. Let your imagination run wild, ask for the things you want, without fear of rejection or embarrassment.”

Dean swallowed, they slowed and hit a red light, more and more cars popping up around them. “Hey, maybe it’s saying to actually spread your wings. Go take a flight or somethin.”

“Maybe.” Cas hummed. “I’m going to attempt the crossword on the back now.”

Sam watched his brother getting antsy, rubbing the ring on his middle finger, a nervous habit. “Okay. We should be home by tomorrow afternoon.”

He knew why his brother was fidgeting. Cas was prepping him to hang up. “Drive safe. Goodbye-“

“Hey.” Dean spoke up. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Of course. I’ll see you both soon.” Cas waited for a second before hanging up.

Again, Sam wasn’t stupid. He knew why Dean didn’t like talking about him and Cas. He knew how John was, how the hunters they hung around as kids were, the things they’d say and comments they’d make. He knew why the Dean of all people wouldn’t admit to anything like that.

He remembers watching the news back in 04 when Massachusetts was the first state to legalize gay marriage.

He remembers sitting in his dorm room with his friends, watching the TV and seeing how happy they were. He remembers how all he could think about at that moment was ‘I wonder what dad would say’.

It wasn’t like John was openly homophobic. Neither was Dean. But it’s the little things. The way he laughed with his friends, the faces he makes, the way he’d refuse to let Sam paint his face with makeup for halloween, the way he’d roll his eyes at boys in black eyeliner and nail polish. The way he made sure to beat that hypermasculinity into Dean like a hammer.

Dean wasn’t like John, but he could see the discomfort when his masculinity was threatened.

He could see how upset Dean would get when dad called him a pussy, sissy, girl, pretty boy, queer, fairy, gay, fag. Back then, using slurs was more rampant. Common, at least with the people dad liked to hang around.

He knew why Dean was the way he was. So maybe.. What did Cas say? Maybe if he met him half way, Dean would too.

“I had a boyfriend.” He blurted out.

“You what?!” Dean jerked the car by instinct, almost driving into oncoming traffic before jerking back into the right lane.

“Dean, watch the road!” He yelled, a hand moving to grab at the wheel to keep it steady.

“You had a boyfriend?! What are you- what?!” Dean yelled back, glancing at the road every few seconds, but mainly keeping his wide eyes on Sam.

“You asked what I did in college! I had a boyfriend in college.” He sighed, reaching to grab his phone back from Dean's lap.

“You never told me that!” Dean hit him in the arm, Sam hit him back.

“There was never really a time to tell you, Dee.” He grumbled, putting the sudoku book back in the glove compartment, rubbing his hands on his jeans.

“Yah but… “ Dean straightened up next to him, scratching at his brow.

There it was the wariness. It wasn’t as prominent as before. He didn’t expect it to be. Not after Charlie, Claire, Jessie and Cesar- not after everyone they’ve met over the years. But it was still there, underlying and rooted.

“But… you have a girlfriend..” Dean said slowly.

“Yah.” Sam smiled instinctively at the thought of Eileen. She wasn’t officially living in the bunker with him yet, but he could tell she was slowly moving more and more of her belongings in his room.

“So.. it was a phase or something?”

He laughed a little. “No, Dean. It wasn’t a phase. I had a boyfriend, we broke up, I got a girlfriend.”

“You know what I mean!” Dean scoffed.

“I kinda don’t, Dee.”

Dean took a second, taking a deep breath before asking. “So.. what? You like guys?”

“Sometimes, yah.” He’s never really talked about it. He told Jess, he told Eileen. He mentioned it to Charlie once, who didn’t even bat an eye. But never like this, never to Dean.

It wasn’t as scary as it was when he was younger. He was older now, more comfortable with himself, but it still made him a bit jittery.

Half way. Meet him half way.

Dean cleared his throat. “So.. you’re like what? Bisexual?” He hesitated at the word ‘bisexual’. 

“I don’t know, dude. I don’t really care.” Sam clicked on his phone, Eileen texted him back to confirm she called the fire department, adding a few hearts and an ‘I love you’ at the end.

“But.. I’ve only seen you with girls.”

The way Dean was asking these questions, it felt like there was something else. But Sam couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was he was trying to ask.

“So? I mean, it's always there. Just because I’m with Eileen doesn’t mean I didn’t like my Ex boyfriend. And if I ended up with a guy, it doesn’t mean I never liked girls either.”

Dean nodded slowly, but didn’t say anything else. They drove for a while, none of them bothering to turn on the radio. Sam texted Eileen back, she was somewhere in Oklahoma, finishing up a werewolf hunt.

They texted for a bit before Dean spoke up “He’s- I mean Cas is.. ya know. Too.”

“He’s what?” Sam knew what he meant, but he wanted to see if Dean would say it.

“Ya know.”

Sam turned off his phone, watching a fire truck drive past them, sirens blaring. “What, Gay?”

“I mean I don’t know if he’s gay gay.” He gestured vaguely. “But yah.”

Sam hummed. “I know.”

“You know!?” Dean jerked the car again and Sam put on his seatbelt.

“Yes, I know.”

“He- he told you?!” Dean sounded a bit panicked. It was confusing to say the least. “He told you?!”

“Well no.” Sam said slowly. “But, it was pretty obvious.”

Dean scrunched up his face, his face getting a bit red. Well, at least he hoped it was flush and not the blood staining his cheeks. “Obvious?”

He nodded, and Dean just shook his head.

“What? Obvious how? Has he hooked up with guys before? You’ve seen him with other guys before? When? Who??” Dean asked in quick succession, getting more and more flustered with each one.

The phrase ‘other guys’ really stuck to him though. “I mean..”

“Fucking hell dude! It wasn’t Mick was it? You know, I never liked that guy. He was such a fucking tool.”

“He’s dead, Dee. And he was a good guy.” Sam looked out the car window. “Cas liked him well enough.”

“I knew it!” Dean hit his palm against the wheel. “I never liked the way he looked at him!”

“Dean.” Sam rubbed hand over his face.

“God I fucking hated that guy.”

“Dean.”

“I mean- remember when he- god remember when he said that shit- ‘I bet you could finish me off without breaking a sweat’. I mean who says that?! And he gave Cas his number right in front of me- us! Who the fuck does that?!”

“Dean!” Sam turned to face his brother— well as much as he could bucked into the car— a hand in the air. “I wasn’t talking about Mick.”

Dean stopped his rant, adjusting his grip on the wheel as he glanced back at Sam. “What?”

“I wasn’t talking about Mick.” He said softly, keeping his eyes on Dean, watching his brows twitch and mouth frown.

Dean swallows, turning back to the road, not taking his eyes off it for what felt like hours.

He knew he had to tread this conversation carefully. Approaching it like you would a scared animal.

Or maybe a better example would be befriending a cat. Not by following it around, petting and prodding at it, but by letting it come to you. In its own time.

That’s what it felt like anyway, sitting in a car with Dean, he could see his big brother trying to build up the courage to say something. He could see it in the way Dean slid his hands up and down the wheel, readjusting his grip every few seconds, in the way he kept swallowing, licking his lips, taking in deep breaths.

He’s seen Dean sacred, nervous, sad, petrified, but he’s never seen this kind of expression before. Not exactly scared, but exactly nervous. Something entirely different.

But he does know one thing. Dean knows he knows. Dean knows that Cas is in love with him and he knows Sam knows.

They came up to another stop light just before hitting the main highway leading out of the small town they were in, when Dean took his hands off the wheel to rub them against the dark fabric of his jeans.

Dean ran a hand down his face. “He.. I’m not…”

“Okay.” Sam nodded.

“I can’t just-“ Dean slowly pressed the gas, regaining his grip on the wheel. “I mean I would if I could, okay? I just-“ He stopped himself, helplessly shrugging and shaking his head, like he didn’t even know what to say anymore. “I just.. I would but- I’m not..”

“It’s okay.” Sam said, his voice barely audible over the traffic around them. “You don’t have to be anything at all, Dee. I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy. He- all of you. All of you make me happy.” Dean said slowly, like he was testing the words in his mouth.

Sam nodded again, looking back out on the open road in front of them. It might not be a lot to other people, but for Dean, he’d consider it a win. A step forward.

“Good.”

In a way, he felt bad for his brother. Not that he’d ever tell him that out loud— Dean would be infuriated at the idea that he felt anything of the sort about him— but he did.

Dean who had spent his whole life living for others, living to serve and protect. To protect Sam, to serve their dad, to protect the world, never really got to live it for himself.

It made sense, in a way. It was still new and fresh, waking up in the morning without the weight of the world on their shoulders. Dean didn’t know how to act. He was still learning how to be a person.

His only hope was that Dean would keep trying. After all, they had the rest of forever to make it work.