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It had been years since she stood outside his door. Ragatha had long since given up the hope of reconnecting with Jax. He had thrown enough jabs and insults in her direction for her to get the hint: There was nothing between them anymore. All those nights spent together in his early days of the circus? Distant memories, delusions, dreams she concocted in her sleep while lonely. That rabbit didn’t exist anymore, he would say.
But Ragatha had seen a glimpse of the old Jax tonight. That lanky twenty-something full of panic and heartache. No longer was the current Jax standing in front of her, filled with malice, inflicting hurt because he himself was hurting. She saw right through the facade, and finally it had cracked. He couldn’t deny it now: He needed help. He needed her.
Oh how badly she wished that were true.
She lifted a plush hand hesitantly, hovering it just above that smug, smiling portrait of his. Ragatha breathed in a gulp of air, hoping desperately that the sensation would fill her cotton belly with the courage she needed. Her knuckles clenched with determination, yet her arm faltered.
What was she doing? Jax hadn’t needed her for a long time. Jax wouldn’t need her now, either. Stupid, foolish-
“Are you just gonna stand there looking miserable all night?” The door clicked open, letting a sliver of golden light into the hallway. It lit Ragatha’s face in a wash of artificial sun, set her curls on fire. Jax’s yellow eye was all that could be seen, the pupil was slit down the middle in a wan line that warbled as he talked.
“Jax! Oh, I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you really-“ Ragatha took a clumsy step backwards, but stopped as Jax opened the door fully. He leaned a shoulder against the doorframe, but the motion was all performance. There was nothing coy about the way he looked at her now, Ragatha could see the deep sadness residing in him.
“Relax Dollface.” Even his voice was false, the bravado he placed in his words cracking with every new syllable. He looked away.
“Can I- uh, can I come inside?”
Jax said nothing, only stepping aside to let her in. She nodded curtly before he shut the door behind them. An overwhelming silence filled the room. The night’s crickets ceased their endless chirping, and the ambient humming that filled the circus tent had become dimmer since the adventure. It seemed even the game wept for its players.
Ragatha had rarely been in Jax’s room, even before when they regularly spent nights tucked comfortably in each other’s arms. He always insisted that her bed was more comfortable, that her blankets were thicker. But Ragatha knew he was just embarrassed. The decor was girlish, resembling the room Ragatha had grown up in. The walls were a lilac that walked a fine line between purple and white, and the toys that scattered the floor were made of glitter and pink plastic, ponies, dolls, stuffed kittens with lacy collars. The fight had all but left Jax as he laid across his frilly bed and sighed.
“Why are you here?” He asked quietly, not filled with malice like usual. Ragatha shifted from where she stood beside the door, before carefully ambling across the carpet to sit beside Jax’s head. The bed barely dipped beneath her plush body.
“You seemed to take the adventure particularly hard.” Her thumb traced the pattern of a heart stitched into his bedsheet. “I guess I wanted to check on you. Like old times.”
Ragatha watched the gentle motions of her hand, feeing suddenly very small and very shy. It was the way she felt when Jax first arrived, giddy to make the acquaintance of someone lucid, stumbling over her stuffed feet in the rush to be there for him the way Kinger had been for her. She remembered the first night specifically well, the moment that had kicked off both their friendship, and their nightly habit. He had been scared and lonely, clutching a fistful of fur in one hand, holding hers in the other. Tucking his body against hers had been the most natural thing in the world for Ragatha, feeling his warmth in the night, stroking his ears when he woke with tears in his eyes. She was the only person who had seen Jax that way, the only person he had let in.
When had the space between them grown so large?
Was it the moment she pressed a kiss to his cheek while he pretended not to notice? Was it the time he woke with their legs entangled, his body closer to hers than he had ever been to anyone before? Ragatha pinned it on herself, a fight that pushed him off the mattress, away from her curling fingers, leaving her room forever empty without him. The indent his body left in the foam had long faded away.
It took a long time for Jax to finally speak. The bed creaked as he shifted on his side to face her, a hesitant breath tickled the back of her bare arm.
“Why are you really here?”
He was so close now. The tips of his ears twitched as she inhaled shakily. “I thought that, maybe, you needed me tonight.” She barely managed to swallow down the rest: I miss being needed by you.
Ragatha carefully turned to look at Jax, who was lying fully on his back now, his eyes searching the ceiling aimlessly. One hand was tucked atop his chest, but the other…
The other slowly curled around her wrist.
Ragatha shivered at the soft touch, one she had longed to feel again for so many years. One she almost couldn’t believe she was experiencing once more. She watched as his face shifted from purposefully molded indifference, to a genuine, heartbreaking frown. His chin warbled silently, tears pooled beneath his yellow eyes.
Ragatha gently peeled the covers back and climbed silently on top of the sheets. Jax followed suit, refusing to look at her, though Ragatha found she didn’t mind. She enjoyed his warmth, she enjoyed the simple motions they fell into, as though enacting a shared, forgotten dream.
Her arm stretched across the bed, quiet, inviting. Jax laid his head beside the crook of her elbow, tucking his face somewhere along the side of her plush body. Ragatha was warm like she used to be, a little rounder, more stuffed, and just as comfortable as he remembered. He slid into position easily, loosely wrapping his own arm around the curve of her waist, squeezing, searching for comfort within her stuffing. Her chin landed in the space between his ears.
Suddenly Jax was that scared human turned rabbit again, transported into a world he didn’t understand. And there was that living doll there to help. Always smiling, always kind, always willing to share her bed. Jax involuntarily nuzzled closer, body moving against his will.
Ragatha sucked in a breath, careful to not break the fragile space they’d created. He pressed closer along her chest, breathing deeply for the first time in what felt like years. Ragatha brushed a hand along his spine in steady strokes, a beat that matched the racing of her heart. Up down up down up down.
“Don’t get used to this.” Jax muttered, his lips brushing against her skin. She shuddered as he pulled her impossibly closer, folding his legs against hers so every part of their body was entwined. Head against head, beating heart against beating heart, limbs sprawled and tangled.
She pulled her thumb along the bridge of his nose, the easiest way to soothe him into sleep. She missed this. She missed him.
“I won’t.”
Jax’s breathing slowed into a gentle thrum, a constant staccato against Ragatha’s chest. She still dragged her hand up and down, relishing in the way his body seemed to anticipate her touch, curling closer when her palm flattened against his spine, pulling outwards when her fingers disappeared. She knew when morning came this small moment in time would devolve into their usual bickering. There would be no more softness, no more warmth blossoming beneath hidden covers. But for now, Jax needed her.
And it was nice to be needed.