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“I’m sorry, but I like guys.”
Those six words had haunted Alex in the six years that followed since Penny’s soft voice had punctured his heart.
She had already been thoroughly nestled in his heart before she broke it, and the feeling that ripped through him now as their emerald eyes locked on one another from down the hall reminded him that she still held his heart in her soft, petite hands.
They had grown up as best friends— nextdoor neighbors after he and his mom moved to Pelican Town. His father wasn’t in the picture, but he didn’t care. He had Mom, he had his grandparents, and he had Penny. He hadn’t understood it back then, but they came to live in Pelican Town because his mom had gotten sick, and one day she was gone. He still had his grandparents, and he had Penny.
The two did everything together: swimming, riding their bikes, watching clouds from the grass. Penny had even tutored Alex from their last year of elementary school up through their freshman year of high school. Honestly, he was certain he wouldn’t be where he was now without her.
In every sense.
As much as her rejection had hurt, it was the wakeup call Alex had needed. A fifteen-year-old who always had something to prove, some new goal to overcome, always climbing higher and higher— rejected on the basis of something he couldn’t change. Or could he? Alex had never felt much like a girl: always loud and excitable and keen to get dirty, and not to mention his love of sports. His mom had been much the same, she just said they were both ‘tomboys’, but that hadn’t felt right either.
Penny’s rejection made something stir in him. He realized on that late summer day, dumbstruck and abandoned in the meadow with a bouquet of poppies in his hand, that he was indeed a man. That made the sting of rejection sharper as he ruminated on it, like pouring water onto a fresh burn. Rejected not because she didn’t like him, but because he wasn’t good enough as he was.
Another challenge to overcome.
Initially he had set out to prove her wrong, but by now, Alex’s goals were entirely focused on proving his worth to himself. By his junior year of college, he was well on his way to achieving his childhood dreams of being a professional gridball player. Playing at the collegiate level was already a dream come true, but Alex was never one to rest on his laurels. He trained daily, rigorously, keeping to his routine like it was his religion.
His biggest fear now was that his gender identity would call into question his entire career. The league knew, and his coach knew, always making excuses to give Alex private time in the showers away from his teammates. His hormone treatment was low enough of a dose to not break any regulations, but Alex feared what people might say anyway. As it is, he got comments about the size of his chest being some indication of steroid use, when in reality his natural chest had simply been small enough to tone with muscle and hide in plain sight.
He walked a tightrope, and Alex knew damn well that he did, but he was committed. He was going to do everything he could to see his dreams through to completion.
Then, here came Penny. Seeing her again so late into his college career, Alex wondered if she changed schools or if she had always been here and he simply never noticed her presence. Quiet as she was, she was always good at flying under the radar, but Alex was kicking himself for never realizing sooner that they were attending the same college.
He was certain she would recognize him, if she hadn't already. Alex had changed his name to Alex Mullner, discarding his father’s last name along with the first name that man had given him, making him largely anonymous to people he knew back in high school, but… Penny had been his best friend. She knew Mullner was his grandparents’ last name. She would know.
She could ruin everything.
That first encounter ended with her casting her eyes nervously to the floor and exiting the building, and Alex hadn’t chased after her. What would he say to her now? What could he say? He was panicked, but in moments like these he froze— pushed down those feelings. He would just do an additional couple of sets today, burn off the energy. It would be fine. It had to be fine.
As the year pressed on, Alex kept seeing her again and again. Around campus, in the cafeteria, outside the gym— she had been nowhere since he started attending college three years ago, and suddenly she was everywhere. It felt like a cruel joke or a bad dream, but the anxiety that held his heart in a vice grip was very much real.
Their eyes met again during one of his games. Somehow, even in the fading light of the autumn afternoon, bright lights kicking on around the stadium, his eyes found her. A flash of red hair neatly tied back, a white bouquet in her arms as she focused in on him, and only him.
Alex nearly fumbled the play being caught in her gaze, the shout of one of his teammates pulling him back into the game. Knowing Penny was watching him, he had to play well. He had to win. He had to prove himself to her.
It was as if seeing her had invigorated him with superhuman abilities: his legs running faster and carrying him farther, his brain sharp as ever when deciding where to move and what to do, his arms strong enough to send the ball sailing precisely where it needed to be.
They had won the game by a landslide. Alex had won. He was good enough, more than good enough, but—
When he looked back to the stands, Penny was gone. He had been so sure of where she was sitting, but she was gone.
Still not enough for her.
The victory felt hollow, Alex's chest aching even as he and his teammates cheered and hugged and whooped with excitement. Alex made excuses to hang back as always, being the last to shower so he could have peace and privacy and maintain his secret.
Hot water on his skin made him burn inside, staring down at his body as if to evaluate it. Alex was lean and toned, his body firm and full in only the right places. His testosterone injections had helped with that, allowing him to build muscle and serving to reshape his silhouette to be something more masculine. At times, he even forgot his chest was what it was, slapping his pec and feeling the resistance of his muscles meeting his hand. Other than what was missing between his legs, Alex looked exactly like he wanted to— and after a few years of playing pro, he'd be able to afford surgery and could give himself the last piece.
Alex was satisfied with himself and all the progress his hard work had earned him— he had even been the reason his team won the game. Why did he still feel like a loser?
The locker room was empty when Alex returned to it, still quickly clothing his lower half before shedding his towel just in case anyone walked in. His skin was red with flush, easy to blame on the heat of the shower, but Alex knew better.
Penny had come to watch him. She had flowers in her arms too. Were those meant for Alex? In the same way that bouquet of poppies had been meant for Penny six years ago? Why did she chicken out?
Pulling on a shirt and sweatshirt, Alex closed his locker and set out. The other guys had already headed to a local restaurant just off campus like they always did, Alex would make his way there and try to slip in unnoticed to the celebrations and get his mind off of everything.
That had been his plan anyway, when he left the locker room and ran straight into Penny.
Her cheeks were red too, flashed across pale cheeks, the blush even reaching her ears. Her lips were pink with gloss, the same color she always wore in high school. Penny looked so much the same as she always did, but more refined and mature now. The sight of her still made his breath catch in his throat, lips parted and stunned for words.
At once, he was that rejected boy standing with poppies all over again. Years into his manhood now, confident, successful, strong, but Alex felt so insignificant beside her small, unassuming frame.
“Penny?” Alex breathed, shivering just to say her name. He hadn't said it since his voice had deepened. Hearing her name in his adult voice made his entire body react, and he was certain he was just as flushed as she was.
“You were great today, Alex,” Penny offered softly. “More than great. You amaze me.”
Hearing his name in her voice made his heart catch in his throat. It sounded even better than her name had sounded in his voice. Not only that, she was still holding that bouquet of white tulips in her small, gentle hands. He recognized them as the flowers she had been holding earlier, and he recognized them as tulips because those were his grandmother’s favorite flower.
Were those really for him? Was that too much to hope for? He wanted them to be for him, more than anything. Even if they’d be dead in a week, that bouquet would be the most prestigious trophy Alex could ever have bestowed on him. Those soft hands of hers fidgeted against the cellophane that held the flowers, each soft crinkle sending jolts through Alex’s body. Some part of him wondered if she would crush the flowers at any moment, and with them, crush his heart all over again.
“Thanks,” Alex swallowed thickly.
“It’s good to see you,” Penny said simply, not meeting his eyes.
You have no idea, Alex wanted to say.
“Yeah, you too,” he settled on instead, words stilted as he chose them carefully to keep from shattering whatever this was. “Thanks for coming to the game. I know it’s not really your thing.”
“Usually I read about the game in the school newspaper, actually,” Penny corrected, continuing to fidget with the bouquet in her hands. “I’ve wanted to watch you play for a while, but I…”
“You have?” Alex blinked.
Penny’s eyes had fallen to their feet now, the tiniest hint of bright green overshadowed by long eyelashes and neat bangs. Crooked teeth worried her lower lip, and Alex could swear she had turned a shade or two redder after the admission.
“I wanted to give you this,” Penny blurted out, thrusting the bouquet into Alex’s broad chest.
His fingers grazed over hers as the flowers were transferred from her hands to his, the touch and the flowers both leaving him dazed. Alex was certain he was redder now too.
“In the language of flowers, white tulips are a way of saying ‘I’m sorry’,” Penny explained, her own voice choking up as she continued. “They also symbolize rebirth.”
She hadn’t had to spell that second part out, but Alex wished she did. Did that mean she finally could see him for who he really is?
Even after all this time, he missed her terribly. So many days and nights spent together, inseparable and full of love and adoration for each other: falling asleep shoulder to shoulder beneath the big oak tree by the forest lake, hushed voices at sleepovers, encouraging words as Alex buried his head into his textbooks. Then, as they grew older, more confusing feelings: the way his heart would skip a beat when she laughed, seeing her nose wrinkle in that cute way it always did; her crooked teeth that she always tried to hide from him; the freckles that lined her shoulders and multiplied when the summer sun kissed her skin; her little hands held in his big hands.
Alex loved her. He had always loved her, and he still loved her. He was certain he would never stop loving her.
“You deserve more than flowers, but I thought it would be a good place to start.” Penny was trembling as she said the words, willing herself to bring her eyes up to meet his.
Without thinking, he kissed her. A kiss he had been holding in for the past six years— if not longer. A kiss that carried not only all of their childhood and adolescence with it, but it carried Alex’s masculinity with it too. One more way he sought to prove himself: to be enough for her, finally. He was enough for himself, but he needed her to accept him too. He needed her to love him too. He simply needed her, in the same way he needed oxygen.
A warm tear rolled down and settled in the space where their faces met. Alex had made her cry?
Pulling away, apologies began to spill rapidly from his lips, “shit, Penny, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
His words were silenced on her lips, being pulled back in for another kiss. And another, and another and another.