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When Toff’d asked them to hang back after practice, he’d figured it was something to do with Mis, maybe going round more to help get him out of his shell. That mic’d up video from photo day had been pretty dire. He didn’t think- he’d never in a million years think- he thought he’d been careful enough. What a fucking idiot. He swallowed the lump in his throat and it just joined in with the sudden nerves bubbling below his sternum. “What?”
“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to see the notification, but since I have, I just…” Toff was unbearably earnest, had calculated amount the perfect amount of smile to convey concerned but reassuring. He put his hand on Mack’s shoulder. “I hope you know that if you wanted to talk about it, I’m always here for you.”
Mack didn’t know what to say. The nerves were multiplying like a cascade of failures, he couldn’t even look at Will.
“Have you-” Toff cut himself off, then started again, “have you spoken to the psychs here about it?”
“I’m not- I haven’t-” Why did he have to ask Will to stick around for this? If he thought he’d caught Mack out in- in that, then why would he out him to Will? Will could have been spared this entirely, the situation could have been salvaged if Toff’d just left Will out of it. “It’s not what you think.”
“Okay, okay,” Toff smiled encouragingly, clearly not believing him, “do you want to tell me what’s happening?”
No, Mack wanted to say, but that seemed too rude when Toff was being so- had always been so… so Toff about these kinds of things. “It’s not really my, er, mine to discuss.” He couldn’t stop his eyes from flicking to Will, then hated himself for it when Toff followed his gaze. He was going to throw up, he was a fucking idiot, he wanted to be dead. He locked his eyes to a spot on the locker room floor but it was too late.
Toff, of course, drew his own conclusions anyway. “You weren’t contacting a gender clinic about yourself?”
A shock ran through him but Mack couldn’t move, would maybe never move again.
“He’s… It’s me, Toff.” Will’s voice was clear, free of the shake that was plaguing Mack. “He’s doing it on my behalf, I wasn’t brave enough to do it on my own. I’m-”
“Will,” he interrupted, “stop, you don’t have to-”
“It’s fine Mack, it’s just Toff.” Will moved into his field of vision and sat crosslegged in front of their bench. He was smiling but it was sad. “It’s okay, he won’t tell anyone.”
“I wouldn’t,” Toff said emphatically, fiercely. “Will, I’m- I’d never. I’m so sorry I found out without your wanting to tell me.”
“Don’t worry, just, yeah,” his voice was calm, “please don’t tell anyone else. Only Mack knows.”
“Of course,” Toff’s voice was resolute but not unemotional. “I only wanted you here because I thought you would already know about Mack, I didn’t- I promise I didn’t suspect anything. Are you- can I give you a hug?”
Mack managed to pull a shaky breath through his mouth, then a second, while they were hugging, Toff murmuring something for only Will’s ears. You’re okay, he tried to tell himself, it’s not your fault. He wanted to think, Will doesn’t hate you, but he didn’t know that yet.
The buzzing in his ears was interrupted when they broke apart, Toff pulling him roughly into his own hug. “Thanks for supporting Kibble, kid, I’m really glad he- that Will has you.” He clapped him on the back once, twice, three times. “And no beating yourself up, it’s not your fault the email popped up when it did.”
Mack smiled but it felt weak even to himself. “I’ll try.”
Toff turned back to Will. “Did you have any other pronouns you’d want me to use for you now? Any names you’d want me to use, or avoid?”
Will blinked, opened his mouth, looked at Mack, closed it again. “Nah, maybe let’s, uh, keep it simple for now. You’re part of the team, I think just call me what the team calls me.”
Toff pulled him into his side for another small hug. “Whatever you want, Smitty. Just let me know if that changes. If you want, Cat and I can call you one thing at home and another in front of the guys, or whatever you need. I just want you to be happy. And if you need help telling your parents, you need a place to stay, if you ever want to tell the team, or management, or anything at all, I’ll help. You got me in your corner, no matter what.”
Mack knew, suddenly and with horrifying certainty, that he was about to cry. He couldn’t swallow, his throat jumped. He sat down fast.
Will was still smiling. “Thanks Toff, that means a lot.”
Toff gave his shoulders a final squeeze then let him go, grabbed his gear bag. “Right, well, that’s enough feelings chat for today. Mack, take your buddy for an ice cream, that’s an order,” he joked, but his grin shorted when he looked down and saw whatever expression Mack’s face was showing. “Oh shit, dude, I- you don’t have to-”
“I got Mack,” Will interrupted. “Thank you Toff, again, it’s- thank you. I got this.”
Toff, because he was an angel from heaven, nodded and promptly high-tailed it out of the locker room. Will sat gingerly next to him on the bench, thighs barely touching.
There was a moment of stillness, but not calm, like the sky was falling but hadn’t hit them yet. Stillness like a drop in cabin pressure, stillness like a tomb.
“Dude, are you…?” Will leaned against him minutely, barely pressing their arms together, and Mack collapsed absolutely. A sob tore from his throat, painful and embarrassing. He pressed his face into Will’s side and cried so hard he couldn’t breathe.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he gasped out whenever he could, “Please don’t hate me, I’m so sorry.”
Will shushed him, hands stroking his shoulders, his hair, “it’s okay, Mack, it’s okay.” His voice was distant.
“Thank you,” Mack couldn’t stop saying, “I’m so sorry, thank you.”
Will shifted them a bit and folded himself down, leaning over onto Mack’s shoulders so his head was cocooned in a dark warm cave against Will’s stomach and lap. He kept rubbing his back, making comforting noises as Mack cried himself out. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” Mack could feel the sobs pushing noise through his voicebox, hysterical like a child, but he couldn’t stop himself. He felt so small, so stupid, so caught out. It was like being back in Milan only worse, so much worse, because he could never try again, he would never overwrite this. He’d fucked this up forever, and what wouldn’t he give to touch one thing this year and not break it beyond repair? He just wanted one thing that was safe.
Exhaustion, more than relief, brought an end to the tears a few minutes later. Mack hiccuped himself back upright and scrubbed a hand over his face, couldn’t bear to move further from Will yet unable to look at him.
“Please stop apologizing,” Will said, and Mack honestly hadn’t known he still was. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry you- that it happened this way.”
“My own stupid fault,” Mack wiped away some snot with the hem of his tshirt. He’d have to change again before they left. “Shouldn’t have my notifications visible like that, or I could’ve left my phone face down, or fucking anything at all, fuck-”
“It’s not your fault.” Will shook him gently with the arm still round his shoulder. “I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me.”
“It’s not that, no, I’ve just- I’ve never told anyone. No one knows.” A few more tears tracked down his cheeks, he didn’t know how there could still be any left.
“I still don’t, uh, really know?” Will said, “like, not really. All I know is you have an email. You don’t have to tell me any more than that. But, um, I think it might be good for you to tell someone?”
“That’s all I was emailing them about, I just want to talk to someone, I need to talk to someone,” Mack admitted for the first time ever. It was too much. He had to change the subject. “Thank you for, y’know, covering for me. With Toff. That’s going to- he’s going to take it seriously.”
Will shrugged. “I know. But there’s worse things for the world than Toff being even more supportive, even if it’s a bit misdirected.” He returned Mack’s watery smile, Mack realised he must have been crying too. “And, maybe, like, when you’re ready, we could tell him about you. Together, I mean. I’d help you.”
Mack shook his head violently, couldn’t stop himself even as his sinuses protested. “Not yet. I can’t, not yet.”
“Not yet,” Will agreed, hugged him again, soothing the movement. “Only when you’re ready. But he’d be- I mean, you saw. He’d be fine about it. And so am I. Really, whatever you have to talk to them about, I’m fine with it. It’ll be okay.”
It won’t, Mack thought miserably, my family and my career and the team, but he just nodded and tucked his face into Will’s neck. “Will, I,” he tried, then lost his nerve. He breathed in deep. The exhale was shaky and another tear squeezed out. Will’s cheek came to rest on the crown of his head, and his thumb stroked against Mack’s shoulder. Everything was going to be ruined, eventually. This life didn’t have enough space for two truths, he couldn’t have hockey and also this. Something would break someday, either his place in the NHL or he would. He knew it, and he knew that either way, his father would never forgive him. But Toff had offered a hand, had offered a home, and would give everything and more because that’s who he was. And Wenny too, making genuine friends with the players from the Quakes after that scrimmage he and Toff had gone to, while Mack had been nauseously ignoring all the email invitations. Mario was friends with that lady in accounts who’d been a lady not much longer than Mack’d been a shark. Graf, and Ned, and all the others who’d used so much more tape than him. And now Will, the one he’d been most afraid to tell, not because he seemed like he’d react badly, just because he was the most important person Mack had ever had. And now Will was holding him like he wasn’t disgusting, like it was okay.
If it had to happen eventually, maybe now wasn’t the worst time. At least for this part, and maybe it could stave off something worse. He- she tried again. “Will, I think I want to be a girl.” She held herself tight, braced against tears, but they didn’t come. The sky didn’t fall. She wanted to tell the truth, “I already am a girl, maybe.”
“Okay,” Will said, and squeezed her shoulders. “That’s- okay. Should I still, um, do you have another name I can call you?”
Mack shook her head, jostling Will’s in the process. “Maybe one day.”
“Mack for now then.”
“You’re okay with me being…?” She’d just said it, but she couldn’t again. Her voice had never sounded so small.
“Of course I’m okay with it, of course,” Will’s voice was quiet too, close to her ear, “what’s to be okay with? You’re my best friend, you’ll always be my best friend, nothing will change that. You’re you, and whoever you are, I lo-” he cut off, cleared his throat roughly. “You’ll always be my best friend. You’re just my best girl friend now.”
A wet laugh pushed past Mack’s lips. “Just ‘cause I’m a girl, doesn’t mean I’m your girlfriend, Smitty, jeez, you think all women want to date you?” Something about the chirping let her say it again. Her chest throbbed with relief.
“Not girlfriend girlfriend,” Will protested too quickly, “just, like, friend who is a girl!”
She laughed at the urgency in his voice, and finally had the strength to sit back up on her own, to stop collapsing around her own chest and scrub off the accumulated snot on her shirt sleeve. She grimaced at the stain. “I guess I gotta try and be less gross if I want people to take me seriously about this.”
“Now who’s being sexist!” Will squawked, “girls can be as gross as they want!”
“Thank you Feminism 101, I really appreciate the PSA,” she said, and immediately jumped out of reach of the towel Will had picked up to snap at her. “You can’t hit me now you know, you shouldn’t hit girls! I’ll tell reddit! You’ll be so cancelled!”
“Like fuck!” Will protested, chasing her. “I’ll call you whatever you want, as soon as you’ll let me, any pronouns, anything, but I am never going to not hit you!”
“Abuse!” She shrieked, grabbing her own towel and dekeing left, right, smack, and dodging back again. “I’m being abused!”
“Shut the fuck up!” Will yelled, got his own hit on her arm, “don’t joke about that shit!”
“Feminism 102! From the BU boy, no less! Who knew he had it in him to- oof!”
Will tackled her to the ground, tried to trap her wrists and didn’t seem surprised when she evaded and rolled them over, just used her momentum to spin himself round and trap her waist between his thighs instead. She was breathless with laughter, squirming and writhing, and he was holding tight and laughing too. The floor was suspiciously tacky and the locker room stunk as badly of sweat as it ever had, and she felt dehydrated and a bit headachey, and so fucking happy. She thought, maybe, for the first time, life is still possible here.