Chapter Text
POV:Dan 2009
Daniel Howell will always see the world in black and white. This isn’t his pessimism talking, doubting the existence of fate or soulmates, disliking the social pressure to find his true match. No, in a world where color means soulmates, Dan is a part of the lucky 0.0033% to be completely color blind.
A small blip in his genetic code, and he’s cut off from whatever force determines the perfect pair. Science has never been able to explain soulmates, at least not yet, but it can explain what’s wrong with him.
“Nothing can be done,” the doctor told his parents when he was a baby, “if he can’t see in color, he can’t have a soulmate.”
He’s never told anyone, and he never will. Plenty of people make it through their lives without finding their soulmate. The only difference is that they can still hold on to that small shred of hope that died inside Dan years ago.
While he was able to keep the unfortunate color blindness to himself, that didn’t stop the world from singling him out as a child anyway. His kind demeanor painted a target on his face from day one, back when he couldn’t understand the insults thrown his way, though they stung all the same.
The bullying never got better, even as his classmates “matured”. On top of the incessant jokes about his sexuality, one day it was somehow unanimously decided that Daniel Howell would never have a soulmate.
To set the miserable scene: Dan had been sixteen, he was definitely straight, and it was the first day of school.
They’re going through the normal shitty icebreakers when some kid asks Dan if he’s met his soulmate. Naturally, the room had coincidentally fallen completely silent, and before he could even squeak out an awkward no, laughter filled the room. It wasn’t even that funny, but to his classmates, it was the best joke they had heard all day.
“Could you imagine that?”
“Someone seeing color after meeting him, seriously.”
“Wait, that’s actually hilarious.”
There wasn’t really a defense he could form against this, so Dan did what he did best and suppressed the hell out of his emotional baggage.
Now, a couple of years later, it hardly mattered what the kids he went to school with thought; Dan had a lot of good things going for him. Next year, he would be going to University (for law? What was he doing?), he had just started posting videos on YouTube, and he had Phil.
With the combination of some light internet stalking and luck, Dan had gone from an AmazingPhil fan to Phil’s actual friend. As it turns out, the two had a lot in common, and their frequent Skype calls had quickly become a highlight in Dan’s life.
Dan looked out of the train’s foggy window, finally on his way to Manchester to see Phil in person. The distance between them shrank, and the tapping of his finger quickened to match his beating heart.
He sent a quick message to update Phil on his journey.
Dan: made it onto the train
Phil: perfect! ill be waiting at the station to meet u :)
Dan: i’ll just look out for a tall guy with emo hair
Phil: i’ll be the one in plaid, in case u get mixed up lol
Dan: dw unless u have a secret twin i could never mistake u for anyone
Phil: oh noo you got me… phil’s my brother and im actually zack
Phil: fun fact i almost changed my name to zack
Dan: amazinphil who?? i only know amazing zack
Dan: glad u didnt change it tho
Dan: phil suits u :p
Phil: yeah im not sure im edgy enough to be a zack
Phil: gtg im walking to the station now and i might accidentally walk into traffic if i try and message at the same time
Dan: pls dont get hit by a car trying to talk to me
Phil: see u soon <3
Dan is typing…
Dan: <3
The one, singular, not even that important problem with Phil was that Dan still had a tiny crush on him. His feelings had not dissipated as he got to know the other boy, and instead grew every time Phil smiled at him through the screen. Especially now that Dan wasn’t just pretending the smile was for him when watching a YouTube video; during their chats, he was the only one receiving Phil’s grins.
Maybe it was a bad idea for Dan to let these thoughts run loose in his head; after all, he couldn’t just ignore the elephant in the room. Even if Phil liked him back, his soulmate was still out there. Sure, plenty of people date around before they meet “The One”, but he didn’t know if he could stand the idea of being a placeholder up until Phil met his real soulmate.
But he had to try, because there was something there between them, if Dan was reading Phil’s tone right. Plus, he was nice, way too nice to just ditch Dan. He was encouraging and kind, and true to his name, amazing. It was thanks to this kindness that Dan had worked up the motivation to post on YouTube for the first time. He gave him something to look forward to, a distraction from the world's monotony. If soulmates were just a concept, an aspect of a fairytale, Phil could be his.
The predeterminism of it all had always struck Dan the wrong way. Yeah, that was likely a product of his situation, but agency and the ability to control the direction of his life were something Dan wanted, no matter how much it sent him into an existential spiral. He may not be the best decision-maker, and the future may stress him out, but The Universe wasn’t the one stuck living his life. After all, why should some mysterious force make him see in black and white when his own genetics could do the same?
Dan was tired of just letting life happen to him. He had found Phil, and Dan wasn’t going to let any soulmate bullshit stop him from keeping him.
POV: Phil 2009
Today is going to be good, Phil thought as he looked in the mirror. Picking up his trusty hairspray, he gave himself a once-over before attacking his hair.
Maybe it was a bit overkill, he admitted to himself, as the cloud of spray left him coughing. But the weather had said it would be windy, and he didn’t want to get to the train station looking like a complete disaster, first impressions and all. Dan already knows what he looks like, but there's something different about seeing someone in 3D.
His hair was thoroughly tamed, but he couldn't seem to do the same for his buzzing thoughts.
He had gotten up far too early, and in an effort to occupy himself, he had already undone all the progress of yesterday’s stress cleaning and random stuff was strewn across his floor. He had made a mental list of places to take Dan, and there was no point in fussing over his appearance even more, so his thoughts circled back to the reason for all of his anticipation.
Daniel Howell, Dan, danisnotonfire, in person at last. Phil would get to spend all day soaking up his presence, talking and making jokes, doing whatever Dan wanted.
Phil couldn’t help but think that this was it; he had found his soulmate.
Every conversation with Dan just worked. Phil could say the stupidest thing, but it all seemed so important when it made Dan laugh. If that wasn’t a sign of soulmates, what was?
Dan texted him when he got on the train, and Phil grinned like an idiot as he responded.
Though he forced himself to walk at a normal pace, the trip to the station flew by. The sense of anticipation he had built up didn’t turn nervous until he could see the train hurtling to a stop.
Phil reached up to straighten his fringe just to do something with his hands. .
People flooded out the doors, and each stranger's face wound his nerves tighter and tighter.
What if Dan missed the train?
No, he had texted Phil when he got on.
What if he had second thoughts and decided he didn’t want to meet Phil in person, so he never got off the train and went all the way back home?
What if it was all some sort of ruse?
What if—
—his eyes landed on Dan’s face and
And there was something different, something Phil’s brain couldn’t comprehend about the boy in front of him. It was like the world had gotten bigger, and his brain was struggling to stretch along with it.
He automatically raised his hand to wave Dan over, and the strangeness persisted as the distance between them closed. Everything seemed so much more, and he blinked automatically, a way to slow the information overload.
When he finally refocused his vision, Dan’s brown eyes met his. Brown. He told Phil a month ago that his eyes were brown, and he had filed it away with the other facts about the world that he couldn’t yet understand. The sky was blue, the grass was green, and Dan’s eyes were brown.
But Phil could see it. The clarity was grounding, and he was able to push the rest of the world into the background.
“I can’t believe it,” Phil said, foregoing a normal greeting.
“I know, right?” Dan responded with a wide smile, his dimple making an appearance, “It’s weird to be seeing you outside of my computer screen. A good weird though.”
Phil let out a small laugh in response. Dan’s hair was brown too, a different shade from his eyes.
Finding the words, or even the thoughts to describe the colors, seemed impossible. How was it that the hue of Dan’s eyes felt like a warm blanket?
He managed to pull himself out of Dan’s gaze, to look around the world and observe the changes without it becoming a total onslaught of confusion.
“What do you think?” Phil asked, gesturing around him.
“Well, Manchester’s train station isn’t that different from back home, same old platforms under the same old grey sky. Are you going to give me the grand tour of Manchester?”
“Of course!” Phil placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder to turn him the right direction and began to lead him into the street. They had already started walking when Dan’s words fell into place. Dan hadn’t mentioned the color. He had called the sky grey.
Maybe he was playing it nonchalantly, trying to avoid making a scene at the station. They were in public after all. He could have called the sky grey to be ironic, some roundabout joke on the weather.
Phil watched Dan take in his surroundings as they passed buildings. Ones that Phil knew like the back of his hand, if not for the new lens filtering over his vision.
He seemed engaged, maybe a little nervous, but Dan's eyes didn’t catch on the new colors the way Phil’s did as he pointed out the shops. He didn’t blink in surprise the same way Phil did when a blindingly bright color accosted his eyes.
It didn’t make sense, but he forced the confusing thoughts out of his head for the moment, instead giving all his attention to the boy in front of him.
They messed around in the Apple store, taking silly selfies on the display phones. They took one together, the sides of their faces squished together. It was the closest they ever had gotten to each other, and Phil couldn’t help but reach over and poke Dan’s cheek.
“Hey!” Dan poked Phil’s shoulder in return, “What was that for?”
“Sorry, I just had to, its like cuteness aggression,” Phil responded.
Dan’s face scrunched up in an undeniably cute way as he attempted to send Phil a glare.
“I’m not cute!” Dan insisted, poking Phil harder this time.
“Hate to break it to you…But you can be pretty cute sometimes.”
Dan’s face changed color with Phil’s compliment…a shade warmer as it turned, what was it called again? Pink, blush was pink!
The reminder that he could see color sent a stabbing wave of panic back into his mind.
“Well—” Dan’s voice pushed the thought aside, “If I have to be called cute, so do you.”
Dan crossed his arms decidedly.
“If that's what it takes to convince you that you're adorable, I’ll be called cute gladly!”Phil agreed, taking the win.
Dan struggled to keep the smile as he face-palmed, and then gave Phil one last poke for good measure.
They decided to go to a coffee shop for something to drink, and Phil grabbed the chance to find out some information.
Phil ordered the first thing he saw on the menu, made sure Dan would be alright alone for a moment, and promptly locked himself in the bathroom.
Dan didn’t see it. Phil’s mind ran around in circles as he tried to make sense of it. He had tried to convince himself that Dan was just waiting to mention it until they got to Phil’s house, but Dan did not have that kind of poker face.
He pulled out his phone and opened Google.
I can see color, but my soulmate can't? He typed desperately.
The results loaded, and Phil clicked on the first page that came up
“Unrequited Soulmates: A type of one-sided soulmates where color is only seen by one person upon meeting. Nobody knows the purpose of unrequited soulmates, as the person who does not see color will often go on to find a complete soulmate of their own. Historically, those with unrequited soulmates are thought to have bad luck, or be cursed, but this has been disproven…”
Fuck.
He clicked on another article and skimmed over it, but it said the same thing.
How could things go so bad so quickly? He had been so certain that Dan was his soulmate, but he had never even considered that he might not be Dan’s.
But he shouldn’t get ahead of himself. It could still be a fluke; something else could still be going on here.
What he needed to do was talk to Dan. This was not the kind of thing to keep secret, and Phil was terrible at it anyway. But what was he supposed to do, walk up to his friend/crush/unrequited soulmate and say Hey, you're my soulmate, and even though you're not mine and will eventually find someone else, we should keep hanging out?
Not the best conversation starter. Phil just needs to find a good moment to bring it up when they get home tonight. Talking about it in public was definitely not a good idea, and he didn’t want to ruin things quite yet.
He took one more deep breath and swore to himself that he would tell Dan when they got to his house.
He returned to Dan, pushing down his anxieties with a smile.
So what if their fingers brush when Dan hands him his coffee? Phil just calmly takes a sip of his, the brown liquid (Brown. Everything good is brown.) washing over his tongue as he and Dan fall back into conversation.
…