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One day, Johnny had long hair for some reason.
His family noticed it when he came home after being gone for a long time with no explanation. He had been doing that a lot lately.
Whenever anyone asked where he’d been, he’d just say: “Places.”
And if anyone asked what he’d been doing, he’d just say: “Stuff.”
“Johnny, your hair is too long,” Reed said.
“No it isn’t,” Johnny said.
Reed turned to his wife. “Sue, his hair is too long.”
“Really? I like it. Long hair for a long head.”
“If it gets any longer, people are going to start thinking he’s a hippie.”
Sue sighed. “Okay. I’ll see if he’ll let me cut it.”
“No, no,” Reed shook his head. “He needs to go to a barber shop.”
“Why? I know he hasn’t wanted me to do it lately, but I love cutting his hair! It’s how we bond.”
“Because you give him little boy haircuts!”
“Well, that’s because I’ve been doing it since he was a little boy!”
“And you never learned another haircut?” Reed asked.
“Why should I?” Sue frowned. “The one I give him looks just fine.”
“No, it doesn’t!” Reed angrily stomped his foot. “And neither does the long hair!”
“Well, if you want him to go, you can try to convince him.”
“Oh, I will,” Reed said. “I will.”
He already had a plan.
I’m going to appeal to Johnny’s Britishness!
The next day, Reed asked Johnny if he wanted to get some fish and chips.
“Hell yeah, man,” Johnny said.
“Okay,” Reed said. “Get in the car.”
“Yippee!” Johnny climbed into the backseat and Reed drove him to the barber shop.
“I thought we were getting fish and chips,” Johnny whined.
“We’ll get fish and chips,” Reed said. After you get your haircut.”
“I DON’T WANNA!” Johnny screamed. People turned and stared at him as they walked down the street.
“Why not?” Reed said softly.
“BECAUSE IT HURTS!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Haircuts don’t hurt.”
“Well, it hurts me.”
“No haircut, no fish and chips.”
Johnny sighed. “Fine.”
Despite faking an American accent for years, he was still too British to resist the allure of fish and chips.
The haircut didn’t go well. Johnny kept groaning and writhing in pain. And when the scissors hit a certain part of his head, he screamed at the top of his lungs.
“Behave yourself or you’re not getting fish and chips!” Reed yelled.
Meanwhile, back at home, Sue and Ben were sitting in the conversation pit.
Reed had no problem leaving them alone together, because he trusted them both. Also, if she tried to have sex with Ben, it would kill her.
“So… why didn’t you just cut his hair like you usually do?” Ben asked Sue, who was sitting so close to him that she was almost in his lap.
“I tried, but he kept crying and saying that it hurt.”
“Weird. Oh, well,” Ben said. “I like the long hair. It suits his long head.”
“I know! But soon, it will be all gone,” Sue tried not to cry.
“Well, not all of it,” Ben said. “I’m sure he won’t be shaved bald.”
Unfortunately, Johnny was, in fact, shaved bald.
“We’re home,” Reed said.
“Where’s Johnny?” Sue asked, separating herself from Ben.
Reed moved aside to reveal Johnny behind him.
Sue gasped and stood up, pointing a trembling finger at Johnny’s bald head. “Johnny, you’re b-b-bald!”
“I know!” Johnny cried and ran off to his room.
“Why is Johnny bald?” she asked Reed. “What happened to him?”
“He kept flailing around, and they messed up his haircut so badly that we decided to just cut it all off.”
She would never know the truth— that Johnny had a seizure while getting his hair cut.
“What should I do now?” the barber had asked when Johnny was unconscious on the floor.
A devious grin spread across Reed’s face.
“Just shave it all off.”
Sue’s eyes filled with tears as her husband placed a hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, don’t worry. It will grow back. Eventually,” he said.
“Yeah, but what if grows back brown instead of blond?” Ben asked.
“No, no, no!” Sue shrieked. “NOOOO!”