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Their blindfolds and cuffs are ripped off unceremoniously just before Steve, Nancy, and Robin are shoved from behind, forcing them into the small room.
A pile of clean, military-plain outfits and towels fly in after them, hitting the ground with a thud.
The metal door clangs shut behind them, locks clicking into place.
Nancy blinks her eyes into focus. The lights are bright and harsh against the metal of the old locker room.
“Hurry up! The sooner you’re done washing that shit off of you, the sooner we can finish processing you!” one of the soldiers shouts through the door.
Steve whirls around first, banging against the metal. “Hey! What’re you thinking! You can put us in here! Do you normally lock men in with girls?”
“Just man up and get it over with!” the soldier calls back.
Steve thuds a few more times, but Robin grabs his shoulder and pulls him away.
Nancy wants to be enraged with him.
She wants to be enraged at him (who is he calling men and girls, anyway).
She does. She feels it bubbling up under her skin. The injustice. The carelessness.
But she swallows it down.
The weight of the day is still too thick...The battle. The loss.
Poor El…
Nancy can’t even think about her.
She just wants to go home.
She wants to go home and curl up in her bed and cry for everything they’ve lost. For everything they’ve been through.
Her head still echoes with gunshots.
Bullets hitting monsters.
Bullets hitting soldiers.
Not enough.
Robin’s hand finds Nancy’s shoulder next, snapping her out of her thoughts and pulling her away from the door along with Steve. “Come on. We can all be adults about this. Let’s just get through it and get back to the others.”
Nancy’s breath shudders, but she nods and lets Robin drag her toward the showers.
Get back to the others.
Right.
There will be time for laying in bed later.
For now she needs to get through this. They need to get back to the others. Poor Mike. Poor Holly.
Poor El...
Steve grumbles next to her and she begins to suspect it’s his way of avoiding thinking about exactly what Nancy’s thinking about. “It’s unsafe is what it is. Irresponsible. They can’t just make random men and women shower together like this. How do they know you’re safe? What if you weren’t safe?”
Robin shakes his shoulder then lets go of him. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, Steve-o, I’m sure they’ve got cameras in here. Secondly, it’s not like it’s something you’ve never seen from both of us, so just man up and take off your shirt.”
Nancy’s head snaps up at that, jaw actually clacking in the process. “Excuse me?” she starts. Only, the rest of her sentence dies in her throat at the sight of Robin immediately stripping off her shirt. She tosses it to the side before unhooking her bra and giving it the same treatment as she steps into the group shower stall.
Nancy’s brain statics out. She snaps her head to the side, staring daggers at Steve, who at least had enough decency to already be staring at the ground.
The balls of his cheeks are a little red, though.
“Robs, come on, maybe we could just take turns or something…” Steve trails off.
“What, afraid of seeing a few boobies?” Robin says. She spins around to face them again and Nancy’s horrified by the fact that both of them seem incapable of not looking up. The image of Robin in nothing but her pants burns itself into her retinas. “You’ve both seen them before!”
Nancy feels her own cheeks flush and she looks away just as fast as Steve does, breath short.
While, yes, it’s true Nancy has seen Robin change a few times, she wouldn’t exactly compare this situation to that. It’s not like she looked before.
Not like she just did, at least.
Or, not much…
It’s normal for girls to want to compare themselves to others, right? She’s sure that’s all it is. She’s sure she’s read that somewhere before, but her mind struggles to think of where or when. It’s also now way too preoccupied with trying to understand what possible context Steve would have had to see Robin topless...
Only one possibility rises.
The heat in her face builds and builds.
A low, uncomfortable pressure grows in her stomach.
Images fly at Nancy like bullets from her gun.
Steve and Robin kissing and laughing together behind closed doors. In corners. Just under her nose.
Robin splayed out on a bed, wearing nothing but Steve’s hands on her chest.
Robin tucked under Steve’s chin, wrapped tight in his arms as they sleep.
All of these years.
All of those reassurances that they were just friends. That there was nothing between them. Did it all mean nothing? What was the point?
After everything Nancy had confided in Robin? After how close they had become?
Her heart thuds at the base of her throat.
“Come on, Robs, knock it off! I don’t want to see yours again!” Steve whines. “Gross!”
Something in the tone only lights a match on top of the bubbling in Nancy’s stomach. Something about that over-the-top drama. Something about him desperately trying to keep up the act despite Robin having obviously just given up the plot.
“Oh knock it off! Both of you! Fuck or don’t, I don’t care, just leave me alone and take your shower.” She stomps over to the showerhead in the far corner and strips off methodically, throwing her clothes down into a pile next to her.
She knows she’ll never get them back anyway.
“No, no, no it’s not like that!” Robin says quickly. Nancy can practically see her hands flapping in the air in front of her, not that she turns to look.
“Ewww we would never!” Steve calls. Still dramatic. Still over-the-top. Still lying. Nancy can hear it in his voice.
She saw the red in his cheeks.
Nancy shakes her head.
“Nance…” Robin says softly, just to her this time. She’s close again. Too close. Probably just a few feet behind her, but Nancy still doesn’t turn to look. “It’s…it’s really not like that.”
Nancy shakes her head.
She already can’t blink without seeing Robin’s chest burned into the back of her eyelids.
Her brain can’t go a second without seeing that same image of Steve’s hands on her.
She can’t think about this anymore.
She can’t think about why they would do that to her.
She can’t think about why it hurts So. Damn. Much.
“Just take your shower, Robin. And don’t look at me, Steve!”
“I won’t!” Steve yelps. “And it’s really not what you think! She’s like my brother!”
Nancy snorts and shakes her head. “I promise you Mike has never seen me naked,” she says darkly.
“No, see, exactly! I’m not saying she’s like my sister. She’s like my brother!” Steve continues.
“And he’s like my sister,” Robin adds, voice pleading.
Nancy can’t help but laugh. It does make sense, in an absurd way, but she still doesn’t believe them.
Not after everything.
Not with the red on Steve’s cheeks.
Not with Robin striking a pose.
Not with the hickies she remembers seeing on her in the last few weeks…and the hickies she just saw under her left breast.
Not with those images still burning their way into Nancy’s skull.
She shakes her head. “Just take your showers so we can go home. I need to be with my family right now. My actual siblings.” The words come out harsher than she intends. She knows they’re cruel.
The soft gasp that escapes Robin only solidifies that in her.
But right now she doesn’t care.
Not even when Steve’s, “Chill, Nance!” fills the space.
Instead, she punches the button to turn on the showerhead and focuses on scrubbing away the grime of the Upside Down.
The water is too cold. Hard.
The soap they provided is harsh and smells terrible. It grates against her skin almost painfully.
She can’t get those images out of her mind.
She scrubs harder.
The pressure pounds and pounds at the base of her skull.
In a way, she supposes it’s better than thinking about the day. The bullets. The monsters. El.
But at the same time, it’s somehow so much worse. The betrayal. The fundamental reshuffling and recontextualizing of someone she had considered an important friend.
After so much loss already...
The crumbling of yet another relationship.
She’s thankful when the water swallows up her tears like they never existed.
When she’s done, she turns her shower off and keeps her eyes on the floor as she walks to the pile of towels and clothes.
She gets dressed.
Then, she stands with her arms crossed, facing the door, as the others finish up. It only takes a minute for them to join her, but it’s one of the longest of her life.
The pressure pounds and pounds.
Steve’s hands on Robin’s waist.
Robin’s mouth on Steve’s neck.
Laughing and giggling at their deception.
She actually feels the air shift when Robin steps up close behind her.
“Please, Nancy, it’s not what you’re thinking. I’m not…I-I don’t…”
Nancy doesn’t respond.
The soldiers open the door.
The next several weeks are hard for a number of reasons.
The town is in shambles as the military sweeps it all under the rug and then disappears.
The party is heartbroken. Grieving.
Her family is broken. Healing.
Traumatized sister.
Heartbroken brother.
Hospitalized parents.
Nancy focuses on keeping everything and everyone together, rather than on the pit that formed in her chest the second she stepped out of that shower room.
She doesn’t let herself think about why walking away from Robin had hurt more than breaking up with Jonathan, ring and all.
She doesn’t let herself think about why those images still haunt her dreams, making her wake up in a sweat for more than one reason.
She doesn’t talk to Robin or Steve more than absolutely necessary for party business. Anytime they try she abruptly shuts them down and walks away.
Nancy keeps it all together and she doesn’t let herself get distracted by the kicked, heartbroken looks that Robin sends her.
She can keep it all together.
The pressure still pounds at the back of her skull.
It would be one thing if she could understand. If she could see a benefit to all of the lying and the trickery, then maybe she could get past it.
But as far as she’s concerned there aren’t any benefits to keeping their relationship under wraps.
Sure, maybe Steve benefited by still being able to date around and flirt with Nancy.
But what could Robin possibly have gained by the constant denials?
What could Robin possibly have had to lose by admitting their relationship, except the thrill of getting away with it right under everyone's (Nancy’s) nose?
All of those messages over the radio…
All of those secret looks between her and Steve…
All of those inappropriate jokes…
It makes Nancy sick anytime she thinks back to it. It makes her actually sick to her stomach.
She thought they were friends. She thought Robin cared about her.
She’d been so happy for the other girl when it seemed like she was in a new relationship, even if she wouldn’t talk about it much.
Oh, how Robin must have loved the way Nancy kept asking her about it. Their new little ploy. Their new little play.
She can only imagine the way she must have giggled with Steve after.
Steve’s hands on her chest…
Nancy doesn’t let herself focus on it.
She keeps things moving.
She helps her brother mourn. She helps her sister process. She gets her parents out of the hospital and tends to their wounds.
She stays away from Robin and Steve.
It doesn’t shift again until a month later.
Things have mostly settled down and the world has started moving forward.
Her family has started to stand on their own.
Nancy’s finally able to pull away again.
She’s driving down one of the roads outside of town, just to get out of the house and clear her head for a while, when it happens.
The images still haunt her every blink.
She almost thinks she’s just seeing things again when she sees Robin sitting on a log on the side of the road.
Almost.
Except, in her visions Robin’s never sobbing. Her face is never blotchy and heartbroken.
She never looks terrified.
Nancy’s pulling over before her brain has time to catch up with the action.
When she steps out of the car, Robin hunches a little tighter in on herself and she makes a distinct effort to control her sobs, but Nancy still hears them. The wind carries them to her with every step as she takes closer.
She notices Robin’s bike is leaning against the far side of the log. It looks fine. Nothing broken.
Robin, too, looks fine, despite the tears and terror.
Nancy’s chest tightens. As mad and hurt as she might be, she knows there’s nothing in the world that would make her walk away now.
Robin speaks when Nancy’s about ten feet away. “I’m fine. You didn’t have to stop.”
Her voice is decidedly not fine.
Nancy sighs and sits down on the closest part of the log, still about five feet from her, and stares off into the road. “You’re crying in the middle of nowhere.”
Robin’s breath wheezes. Nancy’s not sure if it’s a suppressed laugh or sob. “What do you care?”
It’s unfair how much that stings. It’s unfair that the guilt takes that old, familiar shape under her ribs despite the images still haunting her. “We were friends.”
“Were,” Robin whispers. “Were. But then you left without even giving me the chance to explain. Just like everyone else.” The words grow with heat and hurt until Robin’s practically sobbing through them again at the end.
The guilt grows.
But so does the anger.
The hurt.
“You lied to me for years. To my face! Did you expect me to just let you do it again?”
“I didn’t lie!” Robin yells. “Not about Steve, at least. We were never, ever a thing. Ever. He only saw me naked because we would change in front of each other. Bind our wounds. He’s like my sibling!”
Nancy shakes her head, refusing to hear how honest the words sound. She focuses on the rest of it instead. “If you still admit you were lying, how can you ever expect me to believe anything you say?”
Robin makes a small, broken sound in the back of her throat. “I don’t. That was the whole problem. That’s why you can just go. I’m fine.”
The guilt grows. “I’m not leaving you distraught in the middle of nowhere. Why are you out here crying?”
“Because it was the middle of nowhere and no one was supposed to be out here to see me.”
Nancy finally turns to face her, staring hard at the side of her head. “Why were you crying?”
Robin turns too, eyes hard and heartbroken as they meet Nancy’s.
The image flashes through Nancy’s mind again and she shakes it away.
Robin’s face hardens. Darkens. “Because Vickie left, too. Said it was all too much.”
Nancy frowns. “Your friend from the hospital?”
Robin chuckles darkly.
She holds Nancy’s eyes.
“Yes, Vickie from the hospital, my former girlfriend.”
The words click into place slowly, one-by-one in Nancy’s brain.
The reshuffling and recontextualizing begins yet again. Easier. Smoother.
The secrecy makes sense.
The knowing looks between Robin and Steve.
The reason Robin never wanted to talk about it more beyond denying any involvement with him.
The pressure in the back of Nancy’s head finally, finally eases.
“He’s like your sister,” Nancy whispers. “You’re like his brother.”
Robin chuckles again. “Yes. I will give it to you that Steve once did have feelings for me, but he did a surprisingly good job adjusting once he found out he didn’t have a shot.”
“Oh,” Nancy breathes. She turns back to the road, staring at the trees across from them for a long minute.
Everything keeps reshuffling.
Images flash through her mind.
The images.
Nancy’s breath catches.
Her palms grow sweaty.
“You really don’t have to keep staying here. I’m fine. I’m just lamenting losing the only girl I’m ever going to meet who was like me and at least somewhat interested. Nothing major. You can go.”
Nancy blinks, returning to the moment. She turns back to Robin and startles to find her still staring at her, eyes sharper than ever. “I’m not leaving you like this,” Nancy says again.
Robin frowns.
The guilt piles up.
“I’m sorry for how I acted,” Nancy says. “You’re right; I should have let you explain and there’s no excuse for how I’ve been acting. I’m sorry. I would…I would like to make it up to you.”
Robin’s frown deepens and she pulls her feet up onto the log so she can hug her knees to her chest. She turns away, staring at the ground. “It’s fine. I got why you were upset. It made sense. I didn’t have a better reason to explain it without telling you, but then you would have just known I’d been lying about that this whole time and I would’ve been pissed, too, if someone had been lying to me for years.”
“Not telling me about this wasn’t lying to me,” Nancy says slowly. She doesn’t plan them but she knows they’re true the second they’re out.
“How is it not?” Robin tilts her head, not quite looking at her.
“You never told me, ‘Nancy, I love men.’ You never said you didn’t like women. You just didn’t tell me. Keeping something from someone for your own safety isn’t really lying. Not in my book.”
Robin chuckles again and it’s a little less dark than before, but only by shades. “I’m not sure you’ll still feel that way when you’ve had the chance to think about all the things we did together. All the times we changed in the same room. Shared secrets. Slept in the same bed. I swear I would never, ever do anything. I swear. But…I’d understand if you’re upset.”
“I am upset,” Nancy says. Robin flinches and tucks her face back into her knees, so Nancy rushes to continue. “I’m upset we live in a town, in a society, that has taught you to fear telling the people closest to you. I’m upset that you think I’d see you as a predator rather than the best friend I spent years getting to know.”
“You were willing to believe I was a lying manipulator up until five minutes ago,” Robin says sullenly.
The guilt grows. Nancy swallows down a sob of her own and it gets stuck by the ugly shape of it in her chest. “I-I did. I was hurt and…and…and I didn’t understand and I’m sorry about that. But I promise I’m never going to hate you for this. You’re safe with me. Your secret is safe with me.”
Robin’s next few breaths are shaky and rough. “You promise?”
Nancy scoots closer on the log and reaches out for Robin’s hand.
Robin lets her take it, though her fingers tremble with what Nancy can only assume is barely-restrained fear.
She’s so brave.
“I promise,” Nancy says.
They hold hands for a long time.
They stare at the trees.
“I’m sorry Vickie left. She seemed…nice.”
Robin laughs and this time it comes out almost genuine. “You really don’t have to do the ‘friend hating on the ex’ thing.”
Nancy shifts, that low pressure building in her stomach again.
Bubbling.
“I’m not. I really just never…got the best impression from her.”
Robin squeezes her hand. “No?”
Nancy shakes her head. “No. I didn’t like the way she looked at you. There was something…not right. And it wasn’t desire, don’t think I’m going back on my word, I have no problem with people who like the same gender. I just…it didn’t feel like she saw you right.”
Robin’s silent for a long time. “Do you see me now?” she whispers eventually.
Nancy swallows. “I do.”
After a while, they end up pressed against each other as they continue to watch the trees, hip to hip.
Robin rambles through stories about Vickie. Stories about Steve.
They catch up on the last month.
Nancy sobs about her family and everything she’s been holding together. Holding in.
The sun goes down.
They strap Robin’s bike to the back of Nancy’s car and Nancy takes them back to her house.
Robin stays the night.
For the next several weeks, Nancy’s brain keeps processing.
And processing.
And shuffling.
And contextualizing.
Six weeks later, when Robin has largely moved on and they’re both really, truly starting to feel normal again, Nancy kisses her under the stars while they’re out for a drive.
It’s perfect.