Work Text:
1st April 2022
Centaurs Group Chat 🏇🏒
Harris: Hi all! We’re planning the next year’s Centaurs calendar. Fans voted that the 2023 calendar will be a nude calendar.
Bood: LOL What?!?
Hayes: That’ll never pass board.
Harris: Already has @Hayes.
Hayes: What? Selling nude calendars?
Harris: Obviously we’ll do it tastefully Hayes. A well-placed hockey stick, puck or helmet to ensure nothing is too raunchy.
Roz: I’ll need more than a hockey puck for my 9 inches 🍆
Choui: Roz, we literally shower together. No way is that 9 inches.
Roz: Clearly you just need to put your glasses on @Choui Shane can back me up.
LaPointe: Imagine being able to hide your dick behind a puck. Embarrassing.
Dykstra: No way this will sell copies.
Hollzy: I don’t know if I want to be naked in a calendar, Harris. Sounds a bit much.
Roz: Yeah, only I get to see my pretty husband naked.
Choui: We literally shower together every fucking day.
Harris: Sorry @Hollzy, the fans want you in the calendar the most. Which reminds me, I have plenty more thirsty tweets for you to read out since this was suggested on Twitter.
Hollzy: Not again!
Dykstra: Do I have more thirst tweets as well @Harris?
Harris: …
The board said money from the calendar will go to charity
Roz: If it’s for Irina Foundation I’ll get Shane to do it. No problems.
Harris: Nah, they were thinking Ottawa dog shelter.
Roz: We will do it. Anya will be in my photo too.
Young: Ew. I think that’s animal abuse.
Haasy: Hang on there’s more than 12 players, how are you going to choose who gets a page?
Bood: Obviously not you Hass. You’re too young.
Roz: Yes, Haasy naked will be like kiddy porn.
Haasy: Hey! I’m not that young.
Roz: Sure @Haasy. You’re a big boy now.
Harris: Some of you will need to pose together.
Holmberg: Wild idea Harris. How do they come up with this shit?
Harris: Uhm, public vote on Twitter.
Hayes: I didn’t see anything on there? Is it the official account?
Harris: Yeah, it’s on there. It’s just uh buried under the other posts.
Roz: Wait, where is Barrett. Why hasn’t he said anything?
Harris: He’s here with me. He’s fine with it.
Roz: He only agrees because he wants to keep getting his dick sucked.
Bood: I dunno. Just talked to Cassie. She thinks it’ll be hot.
Harris: Exactly. Thank you WAGs.
Roz: Suck up @Bood. Extra bag skates for you.
Bood: What?!?
Hollzy: So when is this photoshoot?
Harris: Ah yeah. We’re thinking once playoffs are over. People go wild for the playoff beards y’know?
Hollzy: Send me a calendar invite. I’m already busy in the holidays with the camps and things.
Roz: Don’t worry Harris. I’ll make sure my sexy husband is there. We’ll go on a month page together.
Harris: Yes, I’ll send everyone a calendar invite. It’ll be at the rink.
And @Roz the fans want you two on separate months.
Haasy: Won’t it be a little cold at the rink?
Roz: What? Not together with my sexy husband? Then I don’t do it. Not even for dogs.
Haasy: Are you sure I need to be involved in this @Harris?
Harris: Yes @Hassy. Compulsory for everyone.
LaPointe: Are you worried you’ll actually be able to fit behind one puck in the cold arena? @Haasy
Haasy: What? No.
Roz: Can’t believe I get hauled through HR training for flirting with my husband but now everyone is expected to stand naked in the rink while Gen takes photos. What bullshit.
Hayes: Roz, it wasn’t flirting. It was sex on a Zamboni.
Roz: What were people even doing at the rink afterhours anyway? I booked for personal skate.
Hayes: ‘Personal skate’.
They’re the owners. They were taking potential sponsors on a tour.
Roz: Even hedgehogs know if you book the rink out of hours it’s for private things.
Hollzy: Ilya
Harris: Anyway, back to the calendar folks, here’s the months plan. You hide your junk behind the item. If you’re shy I’m sure we can get you a cock sock:
January: Hollzy/skates
February: Rookies/tastefully placed around the Zamboni
March: Hayes/goalie gear
April: Roz/puck
May: Bood/hockey stick
June: Chouinard/stack of pucks
July: Barrett/helmet
August: Dykstra/shin guards
September: Dillon/gloves
October: Boyle/cup
November: Haas/skates
December: Team photo/in stands
Bood: Lol. What is a cock sock? 🐓🧦
Oh never mind.
Roz: Fucking kidding me Harris. A puck is 3 inches. How is that supposed to cover anything?
Harris: Don’t worry, it’ll be cold at the rink and Gen will get creative with angles.
Hollzy: Harris, I’ve taken Ilya’s phone. Maybe a rethink on his page but I’ll make sure we’ll be there.
Harris: Thanks, Shane. @Everyone keep an eye out for your calendar invites. Coming soon! In the invite I’ll explain what you need to bring and know.
1 April 2022 11.59am
Calendar invite: 2023 calendar photoshoot
Details: April fools!