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Why he agreed to go have to lunch with Wade he doesn’t know, oh right it’s because Wade has been up his ass about hanging out and Peter asked about something. Peter says they should hang out more to get to know each other for “team red” business.
He has never agreed to the name team red, it’s stupid he’s not apart of any team, and Wade only knows his identity because of a drunken stupid, stupid thing. Peter wants them to team up on something to do with weapon smuggling. He wasn’t really paying attention after Peter told him where it was.
Wade makes a sound before reaching over to his wrapper, Matt bats his hand away, “stop trying to steal my food.” He said.
“But Snookums food tastes better if you steal it.” Wade says with a dramatic pout.
“No it doesn’t, stop it.” Matt argues swatting Wades hand away.
“Sweet cheeks I bet you’d taste great If I stole you from Frank.” Wade flirts. Matt cocks his head making the most disgusted face he can muster. Because the mere thought of the fact they’ve kissed plagues his mind and he gets nauseous just thinking about it.
Wade clutches his chest before speaking, “You wound me I am very delectable you’d be lucky to have me sweet cheeks but I turned you down before you could get addicted.”
“Addicted to what? Your personality, I loathe this entire conversation. And I have a boyfriend who also hates you in case you forgot.” Matt explains.
Frank hates Wade, absolutely hates him, it’s on sight for them. They’ve shot and stabbed each other, he doubts the hatred is mutual but it’s very much on Franks end.
“Oh he hates me because we kissed, but I being a gentleman turned you down from doing anything further sweet cheeks.” Wade says.
“And I thank you for saving me the nightmares.” Matt jokes. Wade gawks at him before taking a bite of his burger, “I would not give you nightmares sweetheart. I’d have made you purr.” Wade says talking with his mouth full. Wades attempts at flirting are hilarious.
He’s happily in a relationship, and he’d rather die than be with Wade as anything more than friends if you could even call them that, he was so very drunk that one time. And he wasn’t in a great place he barely remembers it. He’s grateful Wade declined because that would not be very okay if he barely remembered sex.
“Gross. I was very drunk when I came onto you.“ Matt says, he was very drunk and Wade made him sleep it off on his couch
“I know it’s why I turned you down sweet cheeks.” Wade says smiling, “Anyone ever tell you, you look like a disgruntled cat when your disgusted.” Wade commented.
“Alright kitten what did petey pie want us to talk about?” Wade says in a sing song voice.
Right the whole reason he went out of his way to meet with Wade at his apartment, he took time out of his day to come see this asshole. Peter wanted them to talk about a team up for a weapon smuggler raid they were gonna do. He could do it by himself or with Franks help but Peter pouted at him and begged him to do it together.
Wade insisted on getting the greasiest fast food place that he knows has at least one food safety violation on its record. It’s decent food but geez it’s so so greasy. He doesn’t normally eat such things because the texture of grease drives him up a wall. And Wades place smells like cocaine and something dry, he doesn’t even want to know why Peter tolerates this assholes home. Peter has similar enhanced senses he has to know Wades place reeks. Why Peter hangs out here he doesn’t know.
“Don’t call me that-“ He try’s to speak, “Struck a nerve kitten?” Ugh he never should’ve said anything.
“He wants us to talk about those weapons smugglers but I don’t think there is much to talk about. We get in knock them out, get out, and let the cops deal with the inventory.” Matt says.
“How about we kill a few of them make a point, kitten. We should meet up more often. Chat do we agree?” Wade asked, to who Matt has no clue. Wade randomly talks to the wall or nobody in particular.
“Who is chat?” Matt asked, he regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. He doesn’t actually want to know who “chat” is.
Wade gasped, “The audience watching- well reading.” Wade said.
Matt leans forward, stopping moving his hand to put a fry in his mouth, he opens his mouth to say something but what does he say? Telling Wade he’s insane is something he already knows. He decides he’s just gonna finish eating because this is his lunch after all.
“Okay. Well we aren’t killing anyone but do you understand? Peter wants us to go in on friday, so four days from now, that work for you?” Matt asked, he’s almost done with his burger, despite it being very greasy it was pretty good.
“Sure does kitten. I ain’t got nothing to do, say sweet cheeks what do you think Franky pants would say about us having a romantic lunch together. Are you so against the mere idea of me that you make that face.” Wade says pointing a greasy finger at him, he’s probably making another disgusted face.
“I’d rather bite my own tongue off than kiss you again.” Matt says.
“I’m wounded sweet cheeks.” Wade says, dramatically snatching a fry from his wrapper with a smile.
“Why are you calling me sweet cheeks??” He asked with a confused look. He’s heard Frank call him that several times in the past, and Wade seems stuck on the nickname that borders an insult he hates kitten, it’s the worst nickname ever.
Wade laughs then smiles wide, “Because you my friend have a fantastic ass. Like mega fine perfect ass.” Wade says.
“When were you looking at my ass?” Matt asked, he hates not knowing where people are looking, and Wade has been calling him sweet cheeks since they met. Has Wade been staring at his ass all this time?
“Every time we see each other, my eyes can’t help but look at it. Frank is a lucky, lucky man.” Wade says with a smile.
Matt sighs deciding this conversation is not worth finishing his food. “I’m headed out, don’t follow me.” Matt says.
“Bye bye Snookums see you Friday,” Wade says before muttering, “God I love that ass.”
Matt flips him off as he collects his cane and walks out the door, ugh now he got grease on his cane. He needs a shower after being in Wades apartment. He blinks it’s well past the time he agreed to be back, damnit he’s late.
-
“So what did you do today?” Frank asked over dinner. They were eating some Italian dish that was not filled with grease, thankfully. Frank cooks a lot of Italian food.
Matt bites his lip before speaking, “Went and met up with Wade, Frank do you call me sweet cheeks because of my ass?”
Frank does a double take of Matt, dropping his fork, “You met up with Wade?” Frank asked tone laced with hatred, not directed at him but at the mere fact he had to say Wades name. In fact he says Wades name like it’s bug in his mouth.
“I did but you didn’t answer my question.” Matt says with a faux smile.
“Yes I call you sweet cheeks because of your ass. You have a sweet ass.” Frank says taking a bite of food. Matt groans and puts his head in his hand food forgotten. He gets the word play now. Ugh, worst day of his life and that’s saying something.
“Why? Was Wade being a bitch and talking about your ass, I should find him and shoot him.” Frank says, dropping his fork.
“No need to shoot him. Just he was calling me sweet cheeks and I asked why, I did not need to know that why did I ask?” He says talking the last part just to himself. Frank huffs at him before going back to his food presumably plotting Wades death. He doesn’t hate Wade he’s just so very annoying, so so so so annoying.
“I’m gonna kill him.” Frank comments. Matt sighs, why does he bother Frank hates Wade.
Matt sighs again before speaking, “You can’t kill him because he won’t die you know this.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t try maybe i’lll find a way. Blow him up or something.” Frank says with a smile.
Matt just sighs at that. Best solution, keep them apart, that way no blood will be shed.
“Wade quite literally is immortal he regenerates for very little.” Matt explains, he doesn’t know much about Wades regeneration because he hasn’t asked and he honestly does not want to know, be he know he can regenerate from practically nothing.
Frank frowns but says, “I fuckin’ hate him and his stupid face.”
“I know.” Matt says. God Frank hates Wade so much, it’s almost a little funny.
He just hopes Wade can keep his mouth shut if they ever come in contact again, because Frank is never going to let this conversation leave his head. And if Wade ever calls him sweet cheeks in front of Frank it’s going to be a shit show, unless he can manage to calm Frank down. He probably could calm Frank down enough to not go ballistic on Wade, probably is the key word here.