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It was his first shift back after more than a month of leave. He had gotten used to people coming in and out of his house, taking care of his things, helping him every day.
He was ashamed of being a burden to them. Hen and Karen with their kids, and Buck. Eddie with his kid, and Buck. Chim and Maddie with their kids, and Buck.
Athena with her kids. Bobby’s grief. And Buck.
They had told him many times how proud they were that he had asked for help before things got worse.
But Buck felt the worst had already happened.
Being reckless in his job because of an addiction. Making his family and friends put their lives aside to take care of him. He could never forgive himself for doing this, knowing how hurt Bobby would be.
Bobby had faced many ghosts because of addiction. Buck had been there to watch him suffer and overcome it. How could he let this happen with him?
Beyond feeling guilty, he was scared.
Being back. Being the one to be responsible for other lives again. He wanted to make his people proud. He wanted to be proud of himself, too. But was he ready? Already?
"Hey, Buck. How are you?"
Chim tried to sound upbeat, but Buck could hear the concern in his voice. It wasn’t just a greeting. It was a way to check how he was.
"Hey, Chim. I’m good. What about you?" This was so stupid. Who was he trying to fool? Himself?
"Fine, fine... Look, we’re glad you’re back. I know you are too, but I was thinking about..."
"I’m the man behind, right?"
"Hmmm... Yeah. Just for today. Let’s get you used to the place again. Please, I don’t want you..."
"Don't worry. I’m not mad, Chim. What you all did for me goes beyond anything. Being away from the fun for a day isn’t going to make me give up. This is my home. You are my family."
"We really are, man. We also miss your food, so a day here can help all of us." Chim placed a hand on his shoulder to show support. Buck knew he was doing the right thing as a captain, but he couldn’t avoid feeling sad.
"I’m sorry, man. It’s just one day." Eddie hugged him after Chim left, regret clear in his eyes. "Soon you’ll be with us. I’m honestly very happy to have you back."
The alarm sounded and the whole team, even someone he didn’t recognize, rushed to the trucks.
"This place is not the same without you, Buckaroo." Hen completed Eddie’s words with a deep hug. "Please wait for us with a good meal. I haven’t had one since you left."
Buck stayed there watching the place become empty and silent.
He tried to occupy his mind with cooking and baking. He made enough for the whole team and even prepared some containers for them to take home.
Their call was a hard one. He followed everything through the radio, while cooking and then cleaning the place.
A building in flames because of a gas explosion. A drunk man arrested. Many people hurt and killed because of an addict. It felt like his mind was still being confronted with remorse, even for things out of his hands.
After hours, the fire was controlled and there were no more victims in the building. Soon, the team would be back.
"Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Firebird 217 uncontrolled. Suspected main rotor nut failure and engine fire."
"Firebird 217 copied. State intentions."
"Executing emergency procedures, but I’m unable to maintain directional control. The Firebird is falling."
"Can you confirm the location?"
There was no answer.
"Firebird. Are you still with us?"
No answer.
Only static noises and the whirring of the helicopter.
Buck felt his heart stop.
He knew that voice.
"Tommy..."
Before he could reach for his phone, it started ringing.
"Hey..." His voice sounded weak even to himself.
"Hey, Buck." Chim’s voice was rushed.
"Were you listening to the radio?"
"I was Chim. I... Is it Tommy? Are you going there?"
"Yes..."
"Chim, please. I need to go too. Where is he? The call didn't mention the location. Do you know where he is?... Please, Chim...?"
"Buck, I can’t tell you. We’re on our way. I’ll let you know..."
"Chim, I can’t stay here. Just tell me where it is, please?... I promise not to get in the way... I just need to be there for him. Please?..."
Buck could hear Eddie and Hen in the background, but couldn’t make out their words.
"Listen. I’m not going to let you go there..."
"Chim, come on. I need to..."
"We’re going to do everything we can. When we get him to the hospital, I’ll tell you where. You go as a friend, not a firefighter."
Buck knew it was useless to argue. "Okay. But please..."
"We’re close. Talk to you soon."
Maddie called right after, but she didn’t tell him more than Chim. She wasn’t on the call, but he knew she would agree with his husband.
"I have to go. I’m leaving the kids with Karen, and I’ll meet you at the hospital. Okay."
"You don’t need to."
"Buck, if you think Chim and the others are leaving that hospital, you’re wrong."
He looked at his watch. It felt like hours had passed, but only twenty minutes had gone by.
25 minutes.
30 minutes.
35 minutes.
Forty-two minutes and his phone rang.
"We’re at Cedars. Please leave your turnout there. We’re waiting for you at reception."
"How is he?" He was already in his clothes, on his way to the door.
"We don’t know yet, Buck. Just... Just come here, okay?!"
Buck’s eyes filled with tears when he heard the uncertainty in Chim’s words.
Buck left just as the rest of the team arrived.
Everyone except his family.
His family was already with Tommy.
He decided to take an Uber after dropping his keys twice on the floor.
"Hey, Buck." Eddie was waiting at the door. "The guys are in the waiting room. Come on."
"Eddie, I need to know." He grabbed Eddie’s arm. "How serious... Did you see him?"
"Another team got there before us, so we didn’t see everything..."
"Eddie, come on... Don't hide it from me." People looked at him, but he didn’t care. "I. NEED. TO KNOW." He was practically screaming.
"We only know that the helicopter was falling in flames. Something with the rotor, I don’t know. He... jumped. Tommy jumped." He finished his sentence with a sigh.
"Jumped? H-How?"
"He knew it was his only chance. The helicopter was going to crash... He had to get out before... But..."
"But what, Eddie?" He was impatient, struggling not to take it out on Eddie. His voice broke when Eddie avoided his eyes. "Tell me everything you know, please?" He tried in a calmer voice.
Eddie looked at him seriously. "You need to calm down, okay?! We only know it’s serious, but he’s stable for now. And Buck... You need to remember you’re not here as his partner. You’re..."
"I know I’m not part of his life anymore. You don’t need to utter the words. I’m here like you. As a friend." Buck walked away and sat apart from Eddie and the others. The last thing he needed right now was to hear he wasn’t important to Tommy anymore.
After a few minutes, he saw Chim talking to a doctor and got closer to listen.
"His captain just left and let me in charge. We’re not family, but we’ve known him for decades."
The doctor nodded. "He’s in surgery right now."
"What kind of surgery?" Buck tried to keep his voice steady.
"Well, when Mr. Kinard jumped, he tried to avoid hitting his head or causing most of the impact to fall on his spine, shifting his body to land on his side. But it was too high and too close to the explosion. He has burns, an open fracture in his right leg, injuries to some vertebrae, and a concussion. The surgery is to save his leg without complications."
"Save his..." Buck whispered to himself, no courage to finish the question.
"Honestly? He’s lucky to be alive. The injuries and the concussion are going to pass and he's going to agree they are a good price for being alive." The doctor left and Buck didn’t move.
Lucky to be alive.
Tommy had to be more than lucky. More than alive. He had to be okay.
"Here." Someone handed him a coffee and he took it without looking, but didn’t drink it. He noticed Hen trying a few words and giving up when he didn't answer. He just stared at the cup until another doctor arrived.
"Mr. Kinard’s companions." He looked at Chim, who waited for him to stand, but Buck couldn’t.
"This is us. I’m Captain Han."
"Hello, I'm Dr. Park. I was the ortho surgeon responsible for Mr. Kinard. The surgery was a success. He will need help, but everything indicates his leg and other injuries will heal well. He's already in the room and you can visit in two hours. He may be confused because of the concussion and medication, but nothing more to worry about."
"Thank you." Buck stood there waiting.
"Hey. What do you want to do?" Buck looked at Hen, unsure.
"Chim told me to go see Tommy, but I think you should go first."
"Me? Why?" Buck looked at her as if she were crazy. "You and Chim are his oldest friends. Eddie is here too. There’s no one from his family, so it should be you."
"Yeah, but we’re not the person he wants to see."
"Hen stop. I haven’t talked to him in more than a year..."
"I know. But I talk to both of you. I know you’re the one he wants there. And you want to see him, to be there for him, too."
"I do. But I can’t..." This time, he couldn’t hold back his tears.
"Of course you can. Come on." She took his hand and led him to the door.
Tommy’s eyes were closed. A bandage on his head. A cast on his right leg. An IV in his arm. Parts of his skin were red and tender, covered in white cream.
Buck sat beside him, silent, watching every movement, every breath. A proof that he was alive.
Tommy was going to be fine. He would make sure of it.
After many minutes, he was surprised no one came to take him out of the room. The silence of the room must have made him fall asleep with these thoughts, because he woke to a soft touch on his face.
"Tommy..." He looked at him in panic, but Tommy only smiled.
"Hey..."
His fingers traced under Buck’s eyes. "What are you doing here?"
Buck felt his eyes burn again. Relief and fear at the same time. Maybe he was wrong to believe in Hen, and Tommy was going to ask him to leave. "I’m... I was..." He couldn’t find the words. "Are you okay? Do you want me to call someone? Do you need a doctor? I can..."
"Hey. Calm down. I’m just surprised. I didn’t expect to see you."
"I came with the team when we heard your call." Buck stood and went toward the door. "I’ll call the doctor."
When the doctor arrived, Buck stepped back.
"Stay." Tommy’s voice stopped him. He nodded. Relieved. Surprised.
The doctor explained the injuries and recovery. Tommy would leave the hospital in two days and would need help at home. He kept asking when he could return to work and that made Buck so angry, even though he understood the feeling.
"So..." Buck sat close to him again. Tommy was eating the hospital food and making some faces that reminded him of Jee. "I want to propose something and I need you to listen with an open mind."
"Last time you proposed something, it didn’t go well." He spoke in a way that indicated he wasn't mad.
"Yeah. Because you had a closed mind. This can be our chance to fix that."
"Hmm. I’ll try. Go on." His smile was making Buck overwhelmed.
"In two days, you'll leave the hospital. You’ll need at least a month before you can manage alone."
"Evan, I’m not staying at your place. That’s not happening. You don’t owe me anything." Hearing that name again hit him, but he stayed focused. Especially cause he wanted to listen to Tommy call his name again, but in a sweet moment, not like this one.
"Then I’ll stay at yours, it doesn’t matter... Unless you have someone..." He didn't want to make this about his dating history, but he wasn't going back and that wasn't his priority.
"There’s no one, Evan. But I'm totally capable of taking care of myself."
"Don’t be stubborn, Tommy. You’ll need help. I’m not letting you be alone."
"I don’t want..."
"I didn’t want it either. But sometimes things are bigger than us. People show love by helping. Please? If you don’t want it to be me, I'll understand. But you’re not going home alone. Maybe Eddie..."
"Eddie has a kid. Everyone has responsibilities. I won’t be added to that."
"I know." Buck closed his eyes. "I know it’s embarrassing, okay?! To rely on others, to feel like a burden. But..." He took a breath. "I went through something recently. Until two weeks ago, everyone was taking care of me. Dealing with my problems in addition to having their own lives. I'm not going to compare with your situation, cause you... You didn't cause your accident... But they saved me. I’m lucky to have them and I'm begging you to let me help with your life, too. Please?!"
He couldn't hide his emotion any better than Tommy could hide his concern. His eyes full of questions. "What happened. Were you sick? Are you okay?"
"I’ll tell you someday." Buck smiled softly at him. "Maybe over dinner in your house, these days?!"
Tommy studied him. "Evan..."
"I’m serious, Tommy. I care about you. Let me do this? Please?"
Two days later, Buck helped an embarrassed Tommy into Eddie’s car.
A suitcase beside him spoke volumes about their next days.
Somewhere in his mind, Buck allowed himself to hope that this time together would be different.
That they could use this chance as an opportunity to talk more about everything.
That they could have this chance.