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Satoru wants to throw himself off a cliff.
Not that it'd really do anything. Or solve any of his problems, for that matter. It'd only serve to fulfill his flair for the dramatics, and if that.
He'd deserve to fall and crash, though. Splatter across the floor and be found by unassuming non-sorcerers who would see it as a tragic accident.
They wouldn't know it's because he hates himself. Or that it's when he loses sight of who he is. Or maybe it's something else, maybe it's when he's being forced in front of a mirror to see what his Six Eyes refuse to acknowledge, and comes to the rightful conclusion that underneath all his strength, sometimes, he breaks. That sometimes, he loses.
And this time, he feels he'll lose Suguru. It feels like they've been hanging by a thread for some time, ever since Riko's death. Suguru hasn't been quite the same since, and frankly, neither has he, even if he feels like he hides it better.
The truth is, he's exhausted. Having Infinity turned on at all times is draining him more than he's letting on, as he's still trying to cope with the new demands on his brain. He's healing it with the reversed curse technique, sure, but sometimes, it fails. Sometimes, he's hit with a blinding pain and sensory overload that fries his nerves, and makes him feel like his head will explode.
No one has noticed. Or, so he hopes. He's taking on missions by himself, and although all successful, it doesn't always feel like a success, with how drained he feels when he collapses into his bed at night.
The worst part is, he misses Suguru. And he doesn't know how to help him. He's not even sure how to help himself, if he's honest.
But he has to, because, this time… he fucked up. Lashed out at the worst moment, when Suguru came to him to talk, to decompress, to be vulnerable and maybe finally tell him why he's been losing so much weight, why he's been isolating worse than Satoru has.
But it was a bad day. A worst day. And Satoru's head had been splitting open, eating itself alive.
Satoru had needed everything to stop—just for a moment. He needed absolute silence, he needed a void, but…
He snapped. He raised his voice, slightly. But enough. Told Suguru to shut up, to leave. And the way the room fell silent hurt him even more than the overwhelm he was going through.
It felt like his world was collapsing, like the ground was swallowing him whole. He couldn't even look at Suguru, too much of a coward to see how crestfallen he must have looked.
Worse, he didn't even stop him from leaving. Satoru wanted to scream, to beg, to plead. But he only heard the door to his room close and he felt like the worst person in the entire world.
Realistically, he knows he isn't. Not in a world full of curses and fucked up non-sorcerers and sorcerers alike, from rapists to murderers and psychopaths who do it all for fun. And yet, he still feels like the worst, like a stain that can't be removed.
Suguru's the last person he wants to see him like this. It's why he hides, why he isolates, why he goes on all these missions alone.
He has to get better. He has to— Fuck.
He needs to fix this. And yet, as he's now standing in front of Suguru's door with his hand to the doorknob, he's frozen.
What if Suguru isolates from him, too?
It feels like he already is. What if he just offers him a smile that doesn't reach his eyes and tells him everything's fine, when everything is anything but fine?
Satoru feels like a coward. He fears the look in Suguru's eyes. He's been avoiding it long before now. And now…
"Fuck," he mumbles, his hand burning from how hard he's holding the knob.
But he opens it, at long last. Because he feels like if he doesn't, then it'll be too late, and Suguru will slip from his fingers.
For good.
"Is knocking a lost art to you, Satoru?" Suguru stands right in front of him, inches away, having been right about to open the door as well from the look of his hand lingering in the space between them. "I knew I heard your shuffling from all the way down the hall," he steps to the side, "come, you're letting a draft in."
Satoru holds his breath. Or perhaps he already had been, who knows. He walks in, feeling out of place. Normally, he is right at home in Suguru's quarters, always flopping on his bed without a care in the world, and eating whatever snacks are on the nightstand. He thinks sometimes, Suguru puts them there just for him.
But right now, he feels… lost. Like he's never been in this room before. Like he doesn't deserve to be here.
It's now that he notices he hasn't been here in weeks, when he used to come every single night without fail. He used to sleep in Suguru's bed more often than his own.
And now…
"Well, don't just stand there." Suguru shuts the door, giving Satoru a quick and indecipherable look. "I was going to make tea, but figured I'd wait until you actually came over." He turns his back to Satoru, his expression hidden as he walks over to the small kitchenette. "I heard your last mission went well, I'm glad," he offers Satoru a small smile before turning his attention back to the kettle. "Are you doing okay?"
No.
Why is he asking?
Why is he so kind?
Why is he smiling, after the way Satoru treated him, completely unprompted? When Suguru clearly needed him?
"Are you?" Satoru asks, eyes fixed on him.
"Hmm?" Suguru doesn't look at him, the hum dragged out. As if he didn't hear the simple question in the very short distance between them. "Oh." Still no answer. He gets out two small cups, and reaches for the bags of tea. "I'm always okay," he finally says, clicking his tongue when he opens the container and finds no tea, going to the next one and finding only 3 remaining tea bags. "You didn't answer, Satoru."
"Neither did you," Satoru points out. "You fed me a lie."
Satoru cringes at his own words. It's the truth, but it doesn't matter. He came here to apologize, to make things right. To finally figure out what has been happening to the man he loves. Not placate him with an interrogation. And yet.
"Sorry," Satoru mutters, before Suguru can answer. "I…" he starts, daring to look and finding Suguru is staring back at him, his eyes sunken and yet filled with questions he doesn't utter. Satoru inhales sharply, the breath stuck in his throat. It closes up, and it feels suffocating. "Forgive me," he then adds, his voice breaking, even with how quiet the words come out.
Because he doesn't deserve forgiveness, not really. Not with how much he's been keeping Suguru at arm's length when what he really wants is to close the distance.
Suguru sighs quietly and looks away from him. The kettle and tea are long forgotten as he sets the container down carefully on the counter. He wordlessly slips closer to Satoru, still some distance away. No attempts at speaking are made, but he does reach out for Satoru before realizing that Infinity is most certainly active and his hand falls back to his side defeatedly. It's as if the entire room caves in with how much Suguru shrinks in on himself.
Satoru hates it. He wants to close in on the distance, make sure there never is any distance between them anymore, he wants to—
"There's nothing to forgive," Suguru finally says with quiet and practiced ease, his eyes finding Satoru's, "you're under a lot of pressure. Everyone puts so much pressure on you. I never thought I'd also be someone who… made you feel that way. I've only ever wanted to lift you up, but I wasn't very successful."
No.
No, this is wrong. It's not like that. It's not what Suguru thinks. Satoru was just— he was overwhelmed, in pain, and in turn, it made him stupid.
He needs to fix this. Fix it. Now.
He's the one who reaches out. They used to be in each other's space all the time, before. Or, well, it was mostly Satoru not understanding the concept of personal space and Suguru just always let him.
He's not sure where to reach first; his arm, his hand, his cheek? He's never touched Suguru's face before, not unless he was being annoying and poking his cheek reletenlessly. Maybe the cheek is too much. But the arm is not enough. So Satoru goes for his hand, shutting off Infinity and, finally, feeling peace.
But it's only momentary, because the guilt assaults him, the shame, the fear. It overwhelms him just as much as his Six Eyes, if not more.
"You didn't make me feel that way," Satoru ultimately tells him, the weight of Suguru's hand in his own heavy yet grounding. He doesn't deserve this small mercy, but he is selfish, and he wants it. "It wasn't you. You were… at the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm sorry."
"Wrong place, wrong time," Suguru repeats slowly, as if to taste the words. He sighs quietly, but he doesn't push Satoru away or turn from him. "It feels like these days I'm always at the wrong place wrong time."
He squeezes Satoru's hand and it looks like he might move closer, but then he doesn't. They've always gravitated toward each other, getting closer and closer. But Suguru remains firmly planted where he is.
Silence drags on, Suguru's eyes finally finding Satoru's.
"I'll always forgive you, you know this." He finally steps closer, but hesitance flashes in his eyes. "But I'm sorry too. I should've known you weren't okay, I should've seen it. I always do, I just…" he sighs, "I wanted to be near you. I got so caught up in that I didn't… see."
Oh.
Satoru feels like he's just been punched in the gut. Of course he had to push Suguru away at the worst possible time, when they've been spending more and more time apart and distancing themselves from one another, when it's clear neither of them actually want that.
Guilt grips Satoru like a vine, choking his throat. He lets out a pathetic sound, leaning his forehead against Suguru's shoulder. He doesn't want to be seen. He's a coward.
"I'm sorry."
"It'll be okay." Suguru gently lets go of Satoru's hand in lieu of wrapping an arm around his waist to tug him closer. The distance between them completely vanishes, and Satoru sags with relief. "I think I was probably a little upset in the moment," Suguru admits, "not really at you though, but at myself. For failing you."
"You've never failed me," Satoru says, pulling his head up. He doesn't have his usual shades to hide his eyes, but he doesn't want to hide from Suguru's gaze, either. "I'm the one who failed. Limitless got the best of me. Again."
Understanding shines in Suguru's tired eyes. He lifts a hand to Satoru's face, his fingers gentle and delicate as they caress the skin right beneath Satoru's eyes. "You're still getting used to it. I would take the burden from you if I could. I just wish… it didn't turn you away from me."
Satoru wishes that, too. And yet, he's been a coward, hiding when things were difficult, snapping when he was overwhelmed, instead of…
Instead of being able to find comfort in his best friend's embrace.
Why does he do this? Why does he run? Why does he isolate when shame eats away at him? He almost didn't even come here. He almost… let the silence between them consume him. Would they have found their way back to each other eventually if he hadn't decided to cross their threshold or would they have continued to drift on and on, growing farther away from each other?
It's unthinkable. Satoru would never survive it.
"And you?" Satoru asks, his tone gentle despite the worry. "Don't think I haven't noticed your own isolation, Suguru."
Suguru says nothing. He doesn't quip back or tease that Satoru's been watching him, he contemplatively looks down. Even though he doesn't pull away, it almost seems like he's shrinking away as his hand falls from Satoru's cheek to his shoulder. He squeezes it gently.
"I'm fine," he insists, "it's just been lonely without you. The days are long and the nights are…longer." There's a hint of venom in his tone, his jaw clenching and unclenching. "I preferred when we were together. They take too much from you."
Satoru almost wants to suggest he can request their next missions to be together, but he bites his tongue. What if he gets worse, on a mission? What if he snaps again? What if he says something worse? What if he says things he doesn't mean, because he's desperate for the pain to stop?
Satoru doesn't trust himself. And Suguru…
Oh, Suguru deserves so much better.
"I can stay here tonight," he offers. He just won't activate Infinity. He won't risk it.
Fear coils inside him at the thought.
What if something happens to them because he doesn't use Infinity and turns it off? He's bitterly reminded that Riko is dead because he let down his guard. Can he really afford to do so again? What if something—someone takes from him what matters most?
"Really?" Suguru asks, the relief clear in his tone. But the hesitance is just as loud as he regards Satoru with what looks like cautious hope. Almost as if reading Satoru's thoughts, he gives him a strained smile. "You don't have to, though. I'm a restless sleeper and I'd probably disturb you. I don't want you more tired because of me…" he drifts off, his hand slowly falling from Satoru's shoulder as well. But he takes Satoru's hand again, squeezing it reassuringly. "You don't have to," he repeats.
"I want to," Satoru insists. And, he does. Even if he's terrified. Even if he doesn't want to fuck up again. Even if he's scared the night might end with him saying something he'll regret. "I want to, Suguru."
This time, the hope in Suguru's eyes spreads across the rest of him and he visibly relaxes. The smile that lifts his lips is easy and familiar unlike the many practiced ones he's been displaying lately. "Don't say I didn't warn you." He slips closer and wraps his arms gently around Satoru's waist, squeezing him. "I've missed you. I didn't think I'd be seeing you any time soon."
I didn't, either.
Part of him still thinks he shouldn't be here. Doesn't deserve to, that's for certain. But he melts into Suguru's embrace, relaxes under his touch. They've never really had much boundaries with each other, always touching and prodding and touching some more.
But this feels different. More intimate.
Romantic?
Satoru's arms wrap around Suguru's neck. Tentatively.
He has to avert his gaze, with how fast his stupid heart is beating. Suguru will know, if he looks into his eyes.
"I had to come and apologize," Satoru says, quietly. "I was out of line."
Suguru huffs out a quiet laugh. "You're usually out of line," he teases lightly, but then sighs, "it's okay. I want to put it behind us, we are stronger than our worst days, aren't we?"
"What if I'm not?" Satoru asks, this time so quiet he wonders if Suguru even heard him.
Suguru turns slightly rigid against him, but says nothing. He relaxes once again, drawing back just enough for their eyes to meet. "Then I'll be strong enough for both of us until you get back up. That's what we do for each other, isn't it, Satoru?" He presses his forehead to Satoru's. "Listen to me, just because you have to be the strongest for them, doesn't mean you have to be with me."
"What if I want to be the strongest for you?" Satoru asks. He frankly doesn't give a fuck about the rest of them, not really. He isn't getting stronger for them. It's for Suguru. It's all for him.
Suguru smiles. He looks so painfully fond. "Why can't you just be yourself? Why do you need to be the strongest for me? Maybe I just want you to be… Satoru." His hand gently comes to rest on Satoru's cheek. "You're enough, you know that, don't you?"
Am I?
"And yet, I hurt you."
"Two things can exist at the same time," Suguru points out gently. "I've been hurt plenty and I still lived. You think too much." His hand drifts from Satoru's cheek to his hair, brushing loose strands off his forehead. "I'll be fine. I always am, aren't I?"
Satoru lets out a frustrated sound. It's his turn to bring his hands to Suguru's cheeks, blue eyes staring right into his soul. "I know you're not fine. Something else is hurting you. You don't have to put up this front with me."
For a moment, the perfect smile falters and Suguru looks horrified. By what exactly? Being called out? Being told point blank that his facade isn't working? The expression is quick to fade into a passive one, but the haunted look doesn't fade from his eyes.
"I'm afraid," he blurts out suddenly, "I'm afraid… I'm going to lead a very insignificant life bound by beliefs and ideals I don't believe in anymore and die an insignificant death, forgotten. I'm scared. Some days, I can't recognize myself and I can't find the point in anything we do because it never ends. I'm afraid… I'm going to lose you to this world and I think I might have already just a little bit and I…" he pauses, his eyes red and shimmering from unshed tears that are welling up, "I feel ridiculous for saying these things to someone like you. I'm afraid I don't deserve to stand by your side anymore. Maybe I never did. I… don't want you to think less of me."
How could I ever?
But the words don't spill from his lips. Instead, Satoru kisses him. Just like that. Because it feels like the right thing to do. It feels like the only thing to do. It doesn't matter that they've never done this before, that they've never crossed that line. Satoru knows, in this moment, that this was what he had to do. To show, beyond a shade of a doubt, how he feels; how he's always felt.
There isn't any hesitance when Suguru returns the kiss, his lips firm and certain over Satoru's. He raises his hands to gently grip at Satoru's wrists, squeezing them, almost as if to keep him close. Or maybe it's meant to be grounding. Satoru's heart leaps in his chest, stammers against his ribcage. But then wetness lands on Satoru's cheek and when Suguru pulls back, the tears have spilled from his eyes.
"Sorry, this is embarrassing," Suguru says with an awkward laugh, quickly swiping his thumb gently over Satoru's cheek. "I'm not sad, I'm not… I'm…" he trails off, struggling to find the words, so he kisses Satoru again and again. Satoru melts against him, pouring everything he has into the kiss, and more. "I'm really glad you're here," Suguru finally says, not putting away.
"Me too," Satoru murmurs against his lips, even if he's still scared. Terrified, even. But he wants this. He's so tired of running away, when what he needs is Suguru. How can he run away, now that he knows beyond a shade of a doubt how much Suguru has been suffering? His beliefs had always been strong, always guided Satoru when his own beliefs faltered. Satoru never had strong beliefs to begin with; he does what he does mostly because he follows Suguru's path and what he believes in.
But if Suguru doesn't see an end to what they do, if he fears losing him to this world, then… what is the point? Why are they doing this? Why are they staying?
"Let's leave," Satoru impulsively suggests when he pulls away, brushing his thumbs against Suguru's tear-stained cheeks. "Let's get away from here."
Suguru blinks at him, staring at him like he's grown a second head. But then he smiles, somewhat confused but equally fond. "Run away?" He repeats. "How romantic. You'd… really leave everything behind? Everything we know? Where would we go?" His tone is anything but skeptical, he looks eager if anything. Some of the dreadful shadows in his eyes have even lifted.
Yes. This is the right thing to do.
"Anywhere," Satoru offers. "I don't care. We can go anywhere you want to go. Live a… significant life. With each other."
Satoru flushes a little at his own words. It sounds like a proposal. Maybe it is. Satoru sees himself loving Suguru for all his life. And maybe if he gets away from it all, he won't have to rely on Infinity so much. He won't need to always watch over his shoulder, always be on his guard. Maybe he doesn't have to be afraid of himself anymore. Maybe he can just… be. Be with Suguru. Protect him for the suffering he's been going through.
"That sounds perfect." Suguru's eyes soften and he leans closer to press a tender kiss to the corner of Satoru's lips, and then another to his cheek. "Living out the rest of my days with you would have more meaning than anything I could accomplish for this world. I don't think I could stand to watch them suck the life out of you, use you and take everything you have. Even in death they'd probably try to find a use for you." He shakes his head, his lips pressing together in a thin line. "We're selfish, aren't we?"
Are we?
"I don't care," Satoru says. "I don't want to lose you to this."
"I don't want to lose you, either," Suguru whispers, "this world's taken enough, I don't think I could bear it taking you, too. I can't let that happen." He pulls Satoru into another embrace, tighter and more desperate than the last. "This is real, right?"
Satoru smiles, a little. "Yeah," he says, brushing his thumbs against Suguru's cheeks. "My love for you is real."
"Oh?" Another small laugh sounds, nervous and quiet. Suguru's red from his neck all the way to the tips of his ears. "I don't know why I'm surprised. I guess I should've known, with the whole declaration to run away and all…" he trails off, his eyes finding Satoru's. "It's why I don't want this world to have you, because… I love you. I love you so much. You're the only good that's come from me being here."
This saddens Satoru, considering how distanced they have been from each other lately, and considering how Satoru treated him the last time they were together. He wishes Suguru's light hadn't gotten so dimmed, that the world of sorcerers hadn't stolen his fire, but he can't deny the truth. Satoru's been disillusioned from the start, but Suguru… he really believed this was the right way to live.
Not anymore, clearly.
Is it because he's been consuming too many curses? Or did Riko's death disillusion him? Maybe both?
It doesn't matter, Satoru supposes, because they won't stay here. Satoru won't allow this world to take from Suguru even more than it already has.
Satoru gently leans closer, kissing him gently. Suguru's lips feel so perfect against his, but then again Satoru always knew they would. Fear is what held him back all this time, from taking a step, from opening that door he knew they wouldn't be able to close.
"I love you," Satoru smiles when he pulls away, bringing his hand down to Suguru's, gently lacing their fingers together.
The door wide open, now.
And honestly?
Satoru hopes it never closes.