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Will. No.
That’s the first thing Mike thinks when he realises where he is. When he is. Somehow, he’s back in his twelve-year-old self, Dustin, Lucas and El behind him as they hide behind a fire truck, surrounded by shouts and sirens flashing all around him.
The thing that’s making this so, so terrible is that Mike knows what’s about to happen. And there’s nothing he can do when he watches Will’s body get dragged out of the quarry. He knows, but he’s still filled to the brim with confusion and fear as both police and firemen scrabble around in panic at the bay, shouts of “We’ve got something!” coming from the water.
When he sees the body, it’s like Mike’s being hit by a ten-ton truck, the air being forced out of his lungs, jaw going slack and eyes glassing over. This can’t be happening, Mike thinks.
I can’t- I can’t do this without him.
Everything seems to freeze then, including Mike himself, eyes locked on Will’s mangled and discoloured body that’s being hauled out of the water. He can’t pull away, but just then, he hears a voice. Will’s voice.
Will’s voice, because his body is in front of him all of a sudden. Not even a metre away from him. Still dead-looking. No expression on his face, arms limp at his sides, hair dripping wet and clothes ripped.
“Will-“ Mike begins, voice raw and desperate.
“You did this. This is your fault.” Will croaks, voice hoarse and strained. Mike shakes his head desperately. He tries to reach out, but he’s stuck.
“Will, no, I’m sorry, please-“
“You did this. You didn’t find me, you didn’t search hard enough. And now I’m gone, and it’s all your fault.” Will hisses, face twisting into something that looks too much like hatred, betrayal. It feels like a direct punch to Mike’s gut.
“I swear, Will, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for- I need- Will,” Mike sobs, the all too familiar feeling of a panic attack closing in. His throat closing up. Head pounding, gasping for breath. Mike digs his palms into his eyes, trying to hopefully change what’s going on in front of him to something better, but he can’t seem to drown out Will’s awful rasping, his voice becoming louder.
“You did this.”
Please stop.
“Now I’m gone.”
You can’t be.
“You didn’t look for me.”
“I did- stop, Will, stop!” Mike cries, face wet with tears. His hands are now tangled in his hair, pulling viciously, trying to feel real, as Will starts to look more dead by the second, like Mike’s watching him decay over years- he’s still yelling, and Mike’s still sobbing when Will collapses and goes completely still on the ground.
“Will!”
-
Mike awakens screaming, screaming Will’s name, thrashing around in his bed. He lurches forward to sit when his eyes open and he’s greeted by the dark, coolness of his room. Mike thinks he might be sick. His stomach is twisting and his head is throbbing relentlessly, tears streaming down his face. He gasps for air, the slight staleness of the oxygen in his room a relief as it whistles down his raw throat.
Mike’s body shakes as he sobs as quietly as he can manage without entering a fit of wracking coughs. The covers pool at his waist and he doesn’t remember who’s sleeping next to him until he hears a tired, gentle “Mike?” come from beside him.
“Will,” Mike sobs quietly, turning his body towards Will, just to see him. To see him there, beside Mike, warm and safe and alive. “Oh, my god, Will.”
“Hey, hey.” Will whispers gently. “What’s going on?”
Mike reaches out in the darkness, searching for Will’s hand or shoulder or arm, just something to ground him and remind him Will is here. Will is safe. His hand lands on Will’s wrist as he tries to breathe in, raggedy and uneven. “You’re here. You’re here.” Mike says, half to himself, voice barely a whisper.
Will’s eyes are confused and searching, but he doesn’t ask, he just shuffles forward, knee knocking Mike’s, and he places a tentative hand on Mike’s back. Will seems to understand the gist of what had happened, as he begins to whisper, “I’m here. I’m here and we’re both safe.”
Will rubs Mike’s back softly in circles, staying by his side until Mike’s breathing slows down and he’s just weeping, better than full-on sobbing. Mike’s hands wring in his lap, tears dropping onto them, head bowed.
“Mike. What’s going on?” Will says from beside him quietly. Mike turns his head slightly, meeting Will’s eye tentatively. Mike sniffles, wiping his face with the back of his hand. Will’s face is pure sweetness, warm and tenderhearted.
“I’m sorry.” is all Mike can manage to say, eyes stinging. Will shakes his head, bringing his hand from Mike’s back to his arm.
“Hey, don’t apologise. You have nothing to be sorry about, Mike.” Will breathes, the warmness of his hand feeling like it’s seeping into Mike’s bloodstream. “Do you not want to talk about it?”
“It was just a nightmare, Will. You can go back to sleep.” Mike croaks, brushing his sweat-drenched hair out of his face. But Will doesn’t budge. He just shakes his head. shifting so he sits directly opposite Mike.
“You can talk to me. You know that, right? I wanna help. You can’t think I won’t worry.”
“Yeah, I know, it’s just-“ Mike sniffles, gaze shifting from Will’s own to his fidgeting hands in his lap. “It’s stupid.”
“No, Mike, don’t do that. You can’t undermine your own feelings. Would it help? To talk about it?”
“Uh… I don’t know. Maybe.” Mike whispers. He can feel Will’s eyes boring into his face.
“Would it help… if you talked about it with me? It’s just me, Mike. I’m here. I want to help.” Will asks quietly, voice slightly nervous. Why, Mike doesn’t know.
“Um…”
Yes. It would help a whole lot. I’m just scared you won’t like it.
“Yeah, maybe a little.”
“Don’t shut me out. We don’t do that, not anymore. Talk to me.” Will whispers desperately.
Okay. Okay. I can do it. “…Okay.”
“Okay. Cool.” Will sighs in relief, making Mike smile slightly. He doesn’t say anything else, he just sits and waits, watching Mike intently.
“I just had a nightmare. It-“ Mike sighs, looking up to the ceiling, praying he won’t cry again. When he speaks again, his voice is concerningly wobbly. “It was from when you were missing. You know that we looked for you. I knew you were alive. But- but-“ Mike lets out a dry sob, squeezing his eyes shut. “Me and the others went to the quarry one night after following some sirens, and… and I watched them drag out your body. They dragged your body out of the lake.” Mike can feel the tears building, making his vision blurry. He can’t see Will’s face through the tears, but he can hear and feel the breath Will exhales and feel his hand lay on his knee.
“You know that wasn’t me.” Will says, thumb rubbing Mike’s knee carefully.
“I know.” Mike sniffles. “I didn’t know at the time, though. I thought I had just seen your body, and Will, it was really bad. It looked so much like you. In the dream it was that night. But it got worse. You said it was my fault.” The tears are spilling freely now. “I see you every night. I see that body in my dreams every night and I know you’re here, but I can’t escape it, Will.”
Mike presses his palms into his eyes, letting out pathetic little squeaks as he cries. He removes his hands from his eyes when he hears Will sniffing, and doesn’t expect to see Will looking like he’s about to cry.
It’s only about three seconds until Mike completely breaks and pulls Will into a tight hug. Will gasps quietly, but wraps his arms around Mike nearly immediately, tucking his face into the crook of Mike’s neck. Mike leans back against the headboard, bringing Will with him. They stay like that for just a moment, Mike feeling Will’s warmth and trying to absorb it as much as he can.
“Mike.” Will says, voice muffled from the embrace. He pulls away, only enough to be able to talk, and Mike extracts his arms from around Will’s torso. Mike nods.
“You can talk to me about these things. You also know that I’m here. I’m alive. You know that.”
“I know.” Mike whispers, voice cracking, and he feels far too vulnerable to look Will in the eyes, but he can feel that he cares. Hopefully. “I know, it’s just that I didn’t then. I was so messed up when you were gone, Will, I felt so empty. It felt surreal the entire week. And I was going insane, everyone thought I was. I couldn’t take it.”
Don’t go there. Not there.
Will furrows his eyebrows at this, but doesn’t say anything more.
“It feels as bad now as it did then because I relive it every night. And it feels so real.” Mike says brokenly. He looks up at Will, whose eyes are sad and hands slightly shaking.
“Mike, tell me whenever something happens, something like this. Please.” Will practically begs, craning his head down to meet Mike’s gaze, which has dropped down back to his hands.
“I will. I… I promise.” Mike whispers.
“Good. But… what did you mean when you said that you couldn’t take it anymore?” Will asks, voice quiet and careful. Mike looks up at him, and his face is sort of knowing. Knowing like he doesn’t want the answer he knows he’s going to get.
“I… I just- fuck, I can’t do this,” Mike says, voice breaking and sounding nothing but completely miserable. He’s far past being afraid of Will seeing him like this, he’s already there. He’s completely inconsolable once Will brings It up, It being the thing Mike doesn’t want to think about. The thing he’s locked up and thrown into the back of his mind. The suppression of It is just a result of the past few years of him feeling too much.
It is when Mike had jumped off the cliff, nearly pummelling to his death in the quarry. He had told himself it was for Dustin. At the time, he thought it was. But there had always been a deeper cause. A deeper reason why he only hesitated briefly before jumping to what he thought would be his death.
That reason, Mike knows now, was that younger Mike thought that he couldn’t have lived without Will. Which Mike now finds to be completely true. Being without Will feels plain wrong.
But even thinking about it makes Mike feel like there are daggers being thrown into his gut, and upon his reaction to Will bringing it up, Will’s eyes flash with panic. “Whoa, hey, it’s fine, you don’t have to say anything. We can just go back to sleep…?” Will says gently, taking Mike’s hand into his own, which Mike would probably be freaking out about if he wasn’t in the situation he is. All he does is clench it back.
“No, it’s- it’s okay. You deserve to know.” Mike replies, voice small as he looks down at their hands intertwined.
It’s fine. He cares. He won’t react badly. He cares.
Mike inhales through his nose, before he rips the bandaid off:“WhenyouweregoneItriedtojumpintothequarry,”
Mike immediately squeezes his eyes shut, but he can practically see Will processing this information.
“What?” Will whispers, voice breaking. “Mike. What are you talking about?”
“When… when you were gone me and Dustin were being chased by Troy and his friend. And they told me to jump, or they’d cut out Dustin’s teeth with a knife,” Mike replies quietly, opening one eye, then the next.
Will shakes his head, lips pressed together in a tight line. “But you didn’t do it to- you didn’t do it to… take your life, did you?”
When Mike doesn’t respond, Will squeezes his hand. “Please. Tell me you didn’t, Mike.”
“I couldn’t live without you, Will.” Mike all but mouths back. Will’s breath hitches at this, and he begins to cry.
“No.” Will whispers.
“I’m sorry, Will-“
“Don’t. If you apologise one more fucking time I will actually kill you.” he says, nearly a hiss, tears streaming relentlessly now. He gets up onto his knees and wraps his arms around Mike’s middle, head digging into his neck. His hold is strong, nearly fierce in a way, and Mike sniffles before reciprocating the embrace.
“You’re here. I want to be here, now you are.” Mike breathes, crying, again, upon seeing Will sobbing as hard as he is.
“Tell me you don’t want to anymore.” Will says delicately into Mike’s neck.
“I don’t. I swear. I won’t, as long as you’re here.”
“Promise me something.” Will whispers, breath warm against Mike’s collarbone.
“Anything.”
“You’ll stay.”
“Of course I will. I promise.” Mike responds immediately, voice tender as he eases himself and Will back down to the pillows. “You, as well. You’re staying.”
“I promise.”
-
Mike and Will lie there for a while, unable to fall asleep after the gravity of the conversation they had just had. Will had draped the covers over the two of them, and they’re lying side-by-side, hands still loosely holding one another’s.
Mike stares up at the ceiling, his thumb brushing faintly over Will’s knuckles. “Will?” he says quietly. He feels Will’s head turn as he hums in response. “I, um. I meant it.”
Will turns his full body now, facing Mike completely. “What?”
Mike swallows, hoping his voice won’t sound as pathetic as his head is telling him it will. “When I said I couldn’t live without you. I didn’t just mean… back then. I mean now, too.“ He hesitates, tightening his grip slightly. “I mean, in 1983 I thought I lost you. I really thought that was it for us. I tried to follow you. I told you that, but I need you to get it, ‘cause it wasn’t because I was scared. Or because everything was falling apart.”
Mike turns to face Will, their faces close together in the dim light. “It was because- you were everything to me. You are everything to me. Will, I don’t know how to exist in a world without you. And I don’t want to learn.”
Oh, my god, I’m doing this, Mike thinks as he scans Will’s face. His eyes are slightly hopeful, and his mouth is open in slight confusion, or surprise?
“Mike. I’m not going anywhere.” Will whispers, eyes flicking down to their hands, still tangled together.
“I know. Me neither. I just- what I’m saying is-“ Mike sighs. He wasn’t expecting this to be so hard. He can’t put this into words. “I don’t know how to say this without messing it up.”
Will stays quiet, just watching Mike.
“It’s not just not being able to live without you. It’s… everything?” Mike says, slightly unsure if his wording sounds right. “The way… that I look for you first. No matter where we are, or what we’re doing. The way it’s always been you I want next to me. In a good or bad situation.”
Will’s fingers tighten a bit, and his eyes are flicking between Mike’s own.
Mike swallows, slightly burning from his earlier crying. He pushes forward, thinking he may be onto something here. “Even stupid stuff. Like riding our bikes, or sitting in the basement just doing nothing for ages. That’s-“ he lets out a small breath, almost a chuckle. “That’s still what feels the most right to me, you know?”
Mike is not sure at all if Will knows. And he’s petrified. He glances up anyways, meeting Will’s eyes.
“And… I kept telling myself that was normal. That it didn’t mean anything more. But it does.”
There’s a moment of silence as Mike rapidly blinks, trying not to cry. He cannot mess this up.
“I think that it always has.” Mike whispers. Will doesn’t move, but his hold on Mike’s hand is slightly fragile and his eyes are still locked onto Mike’s.
“You’re not just… a part of my life. You are it. You always have been, Will, every version of it I can think of, you’re there. And I don’t want to keep pretending I don’t know what that means.”
“Mike, what-“
“I love you.”
There it is. It’s out. The bandaid has been ripped off.
“Will, I’m in love with you.” Mike says, voice quiet but desperate, tears threatening to spill.
And after he says it, the silence that comes is just overwhelming. So the tears come. He’s ruined everything.
“Oh, Mike-“ Will says suddenly, eyes widening as he sits up suddenly.
“Please say something,” Mike says, voice small and terrified.
“Don’t-“ Will’s voice comes out thin, almost breaking. He shakes his head slightly, his own eyes beginning to grow teary. “Don’t say that if you don’t-“
“I do,” Mike cuts in, immediately, desperately, head snapping up as he sits up next to Will, too. “Will, I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”
Will blinks slowly, taking a deep breath. His hand curls into the blanket. “Because I- I’ve been trying not to feel that for so long, Mike. I thought it was just me. I thought if I said anything I’d lose you.”
His voice cracks, and he looks away for a second, blinking hard. “I watched you move on. I told myself I had to be okay with it because at least you were here.”
Will inhales sharply, dragging his hands down his face. “Mike, I thought you had me figured out at the Squawk, oh, my god-“
Will gives Mike a small, shy smile. “I love you.” He whispers, a few tears slipping free.
“I always have, Mike, I just didn’t think I was allowed to,” he says, eyes shining.
Mike grabs hold of his hand again. “You are. You always have been.”
Will searches his face, as if he’s trying to find any signs that this isn’t real. Mike makes sure his face looks certain.
As if to prove it, Mike shifts closer, their foreheads nearly touching, breaths uneven and shared.
“You can’t take it back,” Will whispers, voice shaky. “Any of it. You don’t get to pretend that this didn’t happen tomorrow when we wake up.”
“I won’t. Promise.” Mike whispers back, squeezing Will’s hand extra tightly. Will nods at this, a relived smile dancing on his lips.
Mike looks up to Will’s eyes, bringing their foreheads together and blushing upon realising Will had just watched Mike look at his mouth for… a while. He brings up a tentative hand and places it on the back of Will’s neck, making Will shudder.
“Will.” Mike whispers nervously. Will nods. “Can I?” He breathes, searching Will’s eyes for any fear, or dislike. Will just smiles knowingly. “Will- can I please-“
“Mike?”
“Yeah?”
“I need you to kiss me now.”
Mike immediately smiles and sighs in relief. “Uh, okay. Cool. I can do that.”
He just takes a minute to breathe Will in, both hands now at the back of Will’s neck. He inches forwards until their lips are nearly touching, just a small shift could make their lips brush.
Just fucking do it!
And so he does. Mike makes the last leap, as he finally, finally pushes his head forwards the tiniest bit, and presses his lips gently against Will’s, and it feels like fireworks exploding in his chest. Will immediately sighs sweetly, bringing a hand up to Mike’s face and tenderly holding his jaw. Will is kissing him back.
Will is kissing him.
Will’s finger’s curl against Mike’s jaw, angling them to the right. One of his hands come up to rest against Mike’s heart, and he’s nearly certain Will can feel it through his shirt. Mike tilts Will up into the kiss, and Will’s lips split into a smile. Mike can’t help but kiss into it, and Will giggles. He giggles.
Mike finds it so cute that he begins to smile too, and they’re not even kissing anymore, just smiling against each other.
Will pulls away first, though keeping their foreheads touching, and his breath is hot against Mike’s mouth. “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” Will whispers.
“Me too. I love you.” Mike says back quietly, voice sugary and giddy-sounding.
“What does this mean?” Will breathes, taking Mike’s hands in his own.
“Um, well, I was thinking- or, I was hoping- that maybe, um, you would like to go out with me? Like, um, to date. You don’t have to, I mean-“ Mike stammers, gesturing with his hands wildly.
“Mike.” Will giggles, covering his mouth to conceal a laugh.
“Yeah?”
“You don’t need to convince me. I’d… I would love to.” Will says with a grin. Mike lets out a sigh that’s both lovesick and relieved.
“Okay, cool. Um, so… do you want to go on a date with me? Tomorrow?”
“Of course I would. I’m already excited.” Will whispers as he lays back down. Mike follows, smiling widely as he wraps his arms around Will and brings his head to his chest.
“Is this alright?” Mike asks softly.
“Obviously,” Will replies with a smile in his voice. Mike brings his hand to Will’s neck, gently threading his fingers through Will’s hair.
“Goodnight, Mike.” Will says eventually, voice sleepy and warm. Mike smiles at this, and finds it to be an unfortunately extremely adorable trait of Will’s- his tired voice has always made Mike giddy.
“Goodnight, Will. I love you.”
“I love you.”
Then, Will raises his head and gives Mike a peck on the cheek, making Mike blush a fiery red, Will, too. Mike sighs in a dreamy way as Will tucks his head into Mike’s neck, one arm around his waist.
Mike does dream, but not about losing Will. He dreams about being with him as long as he lives. And he hopes it can become his reality.
Mike would follow Will anywhere.