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Luffy was the first to burst through the door into the galley.
“FOOD!” he yelled impatiently, as always.
The rest of the crew quickly gathered around the table, making themselves comfortable while waiting for Sanji’s delicious breakfast.
Nami sipped her morning tea that was already waiting for her when she entered the room. Sanji always made sure of that. Robin was doing the same thing, except she held her pitch-black coffee in her hand. Everyone else was sure it tasted way too bitter, yet no one dared to comment.
Chopper sat beside her politely, waiting. Zoro looked half-asleep, which, for him, was basically his natural state. The rest of the crew slipped into conversation, talking at a volume that was surely way too loud for breakfast.
The kitchen door swung open moments later, and Sanji stepped out, balancing multiple plates like it was nothing.
“Breakfast is ready,” Sanji said as he headed straight toward the girls’ side of the table.
“Nami-swan, Robin-chwan,” he said softly as he set their plates down. The food smelled heavenly and looked even better. Luffy was practically drooling, waiting for his portion.
Plates clinked. Food disappeared at an alarming rate. The captain was already on his fourth serving.
Sanji leaned against the counter, lit a cigarette, and watched them eat. His eyes moved over the table, proudly taking in his work.
They stopped at the bowl of cherries he had set out not too long ago. A few crew members were eating them whole, pits and all.
“You know,” he said, almost absently, “if you eat enough cherry pits, the cyanide in them can kill you.”
The silence hit instantly. The room went quiet.
A fork clinked softly against a plate.
Sanji paused mid-drag. “Not like that,” he clarified, “Chewing or crushing them releases a chemical called amygdalin, which the body converts into cyanide. You’d have to eat a lot.”
For some reason, he assumed that’d make it better.
“How much is a lot?!” Usopp wailed.
Across the table, Nico Robin took a delicate bite of cherry and smiled.
Her soft voice broke the chaos. “How interesting,” Robin said calmly, setting her cup down with elegance. “That reminds me – there are plants that grow better in soil enriched by human remains.”
Usopp slowly lowered his spoon. “Now, why would you tell us that?”
Robin chuckled. “Just a fun fact.”
“FUN?” Usopp squeaked.
Luffy looked down at his plate full of cherries, unbothered, “Can I still eat them?”
The majority of the crew immediately yelled at him.
“Yes.” Robin and Sanji said in perfect sync.
Sanji turned his head towards her. Their eyes met. Something sparked between them.
Even Zoro, who usually couldn’t care less about anything, was visibly unsettled by this. These definitely weren’t topics to discuss during breakfast, seeing as everyone’s appetites were slowly diminishing.
“Oh?” Sanji continued, intrigued.
Robin tilted her head slightly. “Yes. Certain soil compositions enriched by decomposition can produce exceptionally vibrant flora.”
They were now leaning toward each other across the table like two scholars at a very cursed academic conference.
Very quickly, Zoro has had enough of these weird facts. These two were too smart for their own good. And for everyone else’s good.
A chair scraped. Everyone turned.
Zoro.
He pointed at Sanji; his finger shook the slightest bit, but it didn’t go unnoticed. “You..”
Sanji blinked. “What?”
“What the hell have you been feeding us, curlybrows?” Zoro accused. Of course the idiot thought cyanide was some sort of deadly poison you had put into food manually.
Sanji scoffed. “Oi, marimo, don’t start—”
“No,” Zoro cut in, deadly serious. “Answer the question.”
A pause.
Sanji exhaled smoke slowly. “…Food.”
“That can kill us.”
“If prepared incorrectly.”
Zoro’s eye twitched. Robin chimed in gently, “Many things can kill you if handled improperly.”
Zoro turned to her. “…You’re making it worse.”
Later that day, the crew noticed Sanji and Robin sitting together on the deck. That seemed deeply unsettling, considering today’s events.
“…and of course,” Robin was saying, “there are historical accounts of people being poisoned slowly over time.”
Sanji nodded. “Ah, microdosing toxins. Classic.”
Zoro walked past, froze, looked at them, then walked the other way.
On the other side of the ship, Nami and Usopp were talking while doing laundry.
“We’ve lost the cook.” Usopp sighed, folding his favourite pair of pants.
Nami nodded gravely. “And the archeologist.. Though she’s been like that since forever.”
Chopper and Luffy wander into the laundry room mid-conversation to pick up their clothes.
Chopper sniffled. “Do you think they’ll poison us…?”
Luffy, mouth full, shrugged. “Food still tastes good.”
Chopper whimpered. “That’s exactly what makes it terrifying!”
Sanji poured more tea into Robin’s teacup.
He took a long drag of his cigarette before talking. “You know, improperly prepared fugu fish can paralyze you while you’re still conscious.”
Robin’s smile widened. “Certain fungi can infect your brain and alter behavior.”
Sanji nodded approvingly at that statement. “You’re so smart, Robin-chwaaan!” he swooned.
“You’re very smart too, Sanji-kun,” Robin replied as if talking to a child.
She’s never met someone with the same kind of interest toward morbid facts like her before. She found herself talking with Sanji for hours on end that day, despite usually being incredibly quiet.
The emergency meeting was called at exactly 14:03.
Nami was at the head of the table, looking as serious and strict as ever. That wasn’t very unusual. She loved being in charge and having things go her way, although this was way more challenging than she thought it’d be, with Robin and Sanji absent.
Robin was normally the only one who was actually helpful, serious, and mature, while Sanji kicked anyone and everyone who dared interrupt Nami.
“This is a problem,” she declared.
Franky slammed his hands on the table. “We are dealing with TWO creepy knowledge monsters now! This is beyond SUPER!”
“Yohohoho! I haven’t felt this alive and scared since I died! Which is to say… not great!” Brook chimed in.
Zoro sat in the corner, arms crossed. “They were talking about slow poisonings, and they were enjoying it.”
A collective shudder ripped through the room.
Nami slammed her hand down. “Right. We need a plan.”
Luffy raised his hand again, grinning. “Can the plan involve meat?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
They spent about half an hour coming up with a plan to no avail.
Usopp jumped onto the table, pointing dramatically like a man who had watched too many plays. “We isolate them.”
Franky nodded. “Containment strategy!”
Chopper gasped. “Like a disease?!”
“YES,” Usopp said immediately.
Zoro grunted. “…Not the worst idea.”
Nami groaned and instantly shut that idea down. She started pacing. “We split them up. Keep them busy. No more… bonding time.”
Brook tilted his skull. “But what if they find each other again?”
Silence. Because they all knew they would. Like cursed magnets.
For a while, it was perfectly quiet. Everyone was thinking long and hard about plans they knew wouldn’t work.
Luffy interrupted the silence with a huge grin.
“I’ll distract Robin!”
Nami raised an eyebrow. “With what?”
“Questions!”
The crew watched from behind the mast as their captain approached the two victims, indulging in what definitely was a bone-chilling conversation. They didn’t need to hear it to know that was true.
Robin had an open book in her hand that she clearly wasn’t reading. Apparently, talking with Sanji seemed way more interesting to her.
Luffy stops right in front of her. “Hey Robin, can you tell me about the book you’re reading?”
The archaeologist closes her book.
“Excuse me?” Luffy was the last person she’d expected to be curious about books.
“The book you’re reading,” Luffy repeats. “What’s it about?”
Robin chuckled softly, then replied. “This is a 400-year-old manuscript that was allegedly plagued by a curse, causing many deaths and delays in its publication. Not to mention the book was bound in human skin, a practice known as anthropodermic bibliopegy–”
“NOPE,” Luffy interrupted, immediately standing up. “I’m done.”
He ran. Robin watched him go.
“…Curious child.”
Robin turned her attention back to her partner in crime, who was now grinning.
“Do you reckon we stop scaring them?”
“I think it’s about time.”
We’ve already lost Luffy.” Chopper whimpered. “What do we do now?!”
Brook placed a hand on his chin. “There is only one option left…”
They all leaned in.
Brook whispered. “We out-creep them.”
Franky gasped. “A creep-off?!”
Usopp pointed. “Genius!”
Chopper looked horrified. “WE CAN’T COMPETE WITH THAT.”
“Seriously, what are we supposed to do?! Our only realistic plan didn’t work out at all!” Nami groaned, and as soon as she finished her sentence, the doors to the room they were in opened, and in came the feared duo.
Sanji stepped in first, calm as ever, a cigarette resting between his fingers. Robin followed, hands folded, her expression composed… but her eyes? Amused. Deeply amused.
Silence swallowed the room whole.
Usopp was the first to crack. “Don’t poison me, I have dreams! I want to be the—”
“We’re not poisoning you,” Sanji cut in flatly.
A beat. Then, “Unless you burn the kitchen.” Usopp shut up after that.
Nami narrowed her eyes. “Then what exactly has been going on today?”
Robin and Sanji exchanged a glance. Not eerie this time. Instead, something lighter.
Sanji exhaled a thin stream of smoke. “We talked.”
“That’s it?” Zoro asked, already suspicious.
Robin tilted her head slightly. “We shared interests.”
“That’s not normal interests!” Chopper squeaked.
Robin’s lips curved just a little more. “Normal is subjective.”
Franky slammed the table again. “You were discussing slow poisonings!”
Sanji raised a brow. “You build weapons into a ship.”
“That’s different.”
“Is it?”
Franky opened his mouth. Closed it. “…SUPER point.”
A small crack formed in the tension. Then Luffy, who had been unusually quiet for exactly six seconds, suddenly grinned. “So no one’s dying?”
“No one’s dying,” Sanji confirmed with a smirk.
“Great!” Luffy beamed. “I’m hungry again. Can you give us more cherries this time, Sanji?”
“Just don’t eat all the pits, Luffy. You know what could potentially happen.” Robin noted, and the whole crew burst into laughter.
Usopp slowly sat back down. “So we don’t have to isolate you?”
Sanji snorted. “Try it and see what happens.”
Zoro cracked his knuckles. “I’d like to.”
“Sit down,” Nami ordered instantly.
Brook raised a finger. “Does this mean the creep-off is cancelled?”
Robin smiled sweetly. “Unless you’d like to participate.”
Brook froze. “…Yohohoho, I suddenly remembered I have no flesh to lose!”
Chopper collapsed into his chair in relief. “I thought we were all going to die…”
Sanji walked past them toward the kitchen again, pausing just long enough to glance back. “If I wanted you dead,” he said casually, “you wouldn’t have seen it coming.”
“SANJI?!” half the crew yelled.
He smirked and disappeared into the kitchen. Robin lingered a moment longer.
“Don’t worry,” she added gently, though somehow that didn’t help, “death is rarely so inefficient.” And with that, she turned and followed.
The crew sat there. Processing. Reprocessing. Rejecting the processing.
Luffy stretched, completely unbothered. “They’re fun.”
“They’re terrifying!” Chopper cried, exhausted from the day.
From the kitchen, the sound of sizzling filled the air again. Familiar. Comforting. Normal …mostly.
A moment later, Sanji’s voice rang out: “Lunch in ten!”
Luffy shot up like he’d been struck by lightning. “FOOD!”
Later, as the Thousand Sunny cut through the water under a golden sunset, the crew gathered once more, louder than ever, alive in the way only they could be.
At the edge of it all, Sanji and Robin stood side by side.
“Think they’ll ever get used to it?” Sanji asked.
Robin hummed softly. “I hope not.”
Sanji grinned. “Yeah,” he said, watching the chaos with quiet satisfaction. “That’d be boring.”
Zoro had been unusually attentive all evening, eyes flicking between Sanji and Robin like he was taking notes. After a while, he let out a quiet huff, almost amused.
“Oi,” he finally said, resting his chin on his hand, voice almost thoughtful.
“Did you know, there are special swords with no tips, designed specifically for clean beheadings?”