Work Text:
It had been a long time since Phil had felt this scared about how people were looking at him; Anxious? Yeah, he’s an anxious sort of person but this genuine fear that he couldn’t shake, this feeling of eyes on him, that he was being watched and judged. He hadn’t felt like that in years.
Seven years out of the closet and a bigger portion of his life fairly secure and comfortable in his sexuality did a lot for Phil’s confidence, he was weird, unusually positive, and loved a bit of colour, none of that was a surprise to anyone anymore. Usually it was something he was proud of, something he wanted to show off mainly because it was fun. Phil had found so much joy in expressing himself like this, in his silly t-shirts and patterned socks and the freedom from coming out again, this time about him and Dan had only really exaggerated his confidence.
So yeah, it had been a long time since he’d truly second guessed himself, second guessed his personality like this. But something about this morning, something about the prospect of going to Dan’s home, Dan’s town where Phil knows the sort of people and attitudes that might be around; All of it was terrifying him. It wasn’t even like going to see Dan’s family was unfamiliar, sure it wasn’t as frequent as it was to visit Phil’s own family, but he’d been so many times before and he couldn’t remember ever feeling like this about it.
Dan had suggested Phil wear his cloud fleece and how could he say no when Dan was so smiley and genuinely excited to see his family, for Phil to be there too. There had been a time Phil didn’t think Dan would ever be close with his family again, when a mention of his parents meant he would shut off to Phil in panic. So now, when the topic of Dan’s family was accompanied by his laughter, Phil was too weak to say no, too proud of his boy and how far he’d come, how much he’d overcome. Not that he could ever be considered strong willed when there was the possibility of Dan looking at him like that, dimpled and freckled and beautiful.
Yet now, walking down towards Paddington Station, he was struggling to keep in mind the positivity that paired with Dan’s wide smile after Phil had agreed to put on his most colourful jacket with his already loud and glittery jeans. The permanent crowd of people surrounding the station were a sea of monochrome; grey’s, blacks, and white. Phil couldn't spot a single other person wearing colour around them, definitely not any as bright as his. Not only did he feel slightly stupid for it, he felt sick with fear. Fear of standing out, of being so visually different from absolutely everyone around him. Fear about what that was inviting people to assume about him, how they might act on those assumptions. Fear for his safety.
It was such a strong and familiar feeling he was suddenly ten again, back in a small Northern town, not an unkind community but one that was fiercely traditional, where being different -in any capacity- was bad. One where the boys his age would pick him out and laugh at him for being different even after he’d spent years trying to be just like them. Copying their boring clothes and mannerisms.
Understanding that he just was different wouldn’t come for a couple of years, and acceptance of it a good few more after that. But it had been over two decades since Phil had been that boy, scared of what people would do to him if he didn’t look or act like them. It stopped him in his tracks that after all these years with all the pride he carried for his identity these days - that fears like this were so close under the surface, still so real and raw and terrifying. Despite everything, despite the years and years of hiding and wishing more than anything to be open and free to express himself, despite the years of repeating to Dan as many times as he needed that there was nothing wrong with being different that it was just as beautiful and amazing in its own right - if not more so, despite the years of being himself. The fear that overtook him was so visceral and somehow had hit him the exact way it had when he was a child and he was helpless against it.
“Phil?” Dan noticed when Phil stopped walking beside him, of course he did, couldn’t hide anything from him. Phil didn’t reply but fell back into step with Dan, speeding up their pace as they walked closer to the station. He could feel eyes on him like they were burning, and his panic was only growing. He moved to unzip his jacket but before he was even half way the wind picked up and Dan looked at him, raising his eyebrows.
Before Phil had thought properly he was stopping walking again, turning to Dan, and asking “It’s too bright, isn’t it?” Dan just stared at him, so he elaborated “The jacket, I mean, people are staring right? What are they thinking, what if they-”
“Hey, no… no one’s staring” Dan interrupted “what’s going on? Phil?” looking around them, placing his hand on Phil’s shoulder, Dan guided him gently to the side of the pavement, looking at Phil intensely.
“Sorry, sorry, it’s nothing” Phil said, softly “Being stupid” he added, even more quietly. Dan noticed the waver in his voice, the way his eyes darted around the crowd of people also heading into the station, felt the slight shake of Phil’s hand where he gently cupped it. Dan had seen Phil overwhelmed, seen him freeze up in crowds sometimes, and was familiar with it. This was separate; it looked, to Dan, much more like uncontrolled panic- something he hadn’t seen on Phil properly in years.
“Doesn’t look like nothing, but let’s get to the train now, then talk about it if you want” Dan suggested, based on the way Phil was still scanning the crowd around them, he made the quick decision that they weren’t going to solve anything in that environment, redirecting Phil seemed like the best option. Phil nodded and Dan guided them through the people and towards their train.
Their carriage was blissfully quiet once they sat down and Phil felt the fear quiet in him, there were no more eyes watching him, he didn’t need to check over his shoulder that someone he hadn’t seen was coming to attack him or any number of the things he had been convinced were going to happen to him for standing out. Instead it was just him and Dan, where he was still the only one in colour, and yet he felt completely different, safe and comforted, confident in the knowledge that Dan loved him for it. It was this stark difference in feeling that made him emotional, the sharp realisation of just how safe Dan was, his safe space- just how Phil was his. It was too much emotion for a train journey, especially as another couple slid into the seats opposite them, instead Phil turned to Dan, knees knocking under the table and apologised, made himself feel silly and young explaining in short whispered words a little of why he panicked so much more than he had done in years.
It was a crude explanation in the moment so later, when Phil was safely clinging onto Dan’s back tucked away from any eye contact or facial expressions from Dan which might influence Phil’s words, laying on their sofa in a position so unusual it could only be something they managed. Phil spoke, he talked about how the word ‘different’ used to make him feel, how the boys his age made it feel, how it felt scary and unsafe, how he’d only been physically hurt once by them, how it was mostly irrelevant to being gay or even standing out but how the two were linked in his head. How he hadn’t thought about it properly in years, genuinely, how remembering stories from Dan’s childhood in the very town they were headed for reminded him that being queer wasn’t always safe, not outside of their community they had created together. How the bright colours he was wearing, that normally brought him so much joy, were just one step too far that day.
He didn’t say anything Dan didn’t already know about him, sixteen years together makes that almost impossible. It’s rare for Phil to open up like this but remembering how it felt to feel like he couldn’t talk, about being different, about what that meant, has him talking circles into the crease between Dan’s neck and shoulder.
The way he goes about it, talking that is, is weird, it’s unusual and stilted and not how most people would do it. Phil knows that, but instead of feeling embarrassed about it he focuses on the way he feels safe, secure in his love in a way he would have given everything to have when he was younger. He focuses on the way Dan’s hand grazes along his leg, listening to him, and the fact that he has never once made him feel unsafe for being different.