Archive of Our Own

"Dazai," Chuuya hissed, looking at him. "When was the last time you took this off?"

Dazai glanced down at his binder. "Mm… I don't know."

"Gross…" He looked more concerned than disgusted, though. "We're taking it off. C'mon."

Dazai stepped away. "I don't want to."

"Take it off, or I swear to fuck I will hold you down and cut it off you," Chuuya growled.

Dazai pouted, turning away. After a breath, he tugged it off, and pressed an arm to his chest.

"Ow…"

"Let me see." Chuuya gently pulled his arm away.

Dazai let him - they'd seen each other naked so many times, it was the same as if they were clothed. Only each other.

Chuuya screwed up his face. "Hasn't this been hurting you? What the hell have you been doing in it, anyway?" He traced the raw skin, the bruising.

"…Everything…"

"Everything?" Chuuya barked back. "You fucking…"

Sleeping in it. Exercising in it. Drowning in it.

Dazai closed his eyes. The absence of pressure felt weird.

Chuuya was still there, though. Gentle hands, slight massaging, trying to ease some of the pain.

"You're wrecking your body…"

"It never mattered. I didn't think I'd make it to eighteen."

"Well, you're twenty-two now, Dazai. You're just making everything more painful for yourself."

"…Sorry."

Chuuya shook his head, finding a clean roll of bandages in Dazai's mess of an apartment. He wrapped up Dazai's chest, a gentler alternative, slight support without worsening things.

"Is that okay?"

"Mhm." Dazai watched him focus. "…Yosano said I couldn't do surgery, even if I wanted to. It's too damaged."

Chuuya made a sympathetic face, but Dazai knew what he was thinking. You knew this would happen.

"That doesn't mean you should make it all worse, Dazai."

"I want to die."

Chuuya glanced up at his face. "…I know."

"It hurts all the time and there's no way to fix it. I hate pain…"

"I'm sure if you tried to take care of yourself, it wouldn't hurt so much. You can't have surgery, but you can still let your body heal a bit."

"What's the point…?"

Chuuya shook his head. He finished with the bandages and hugged Dazai tight.

"You don't deserve constant pain, mackerel. No matter what you think."

Chuuya stayed. Made sure Dazai didn't put the binder back on. He changed the bandages, gave Dazai massages when the pain was bad, and kept him clean and fed.

Dazai was laying on the bed, on his back, to keep any pressure off his chest. He watched Chuuya through the open bathroom door. He was brushing his teeth, in just a t-shirt and shorts. Dazai missed when they lived together, before he left the Port Mafia. He remembered being comfortable.

Chuuya came back, hair still damp from washing it. Dazai reached to tangle his fingers in the long strands.

"Did Chuuya miss me, too…?" he asked.

"Miss the stinky mackerel?" Chuuya lowered himself over Dazai's hips, only enough weight on him to feel nice. "Mmm…"

Dazai pouted, giving him a slight push. "Meanie…"

"Shut up," Chuuya breathed, lips brushing Dazai's. "You know I did…"

Dazai knew. He didn't think he'd ever hear Chuuya admit it, though. He smirked, messing with Chuuya's hair even more.

"Really? Did you cry? Poor, lonely Chuuya-"

"Dazai."

Dazai shut up. He pulled Chuuya down abruptly to hug him, which hurt, but he didn't much care. Chuuya squirmed in his arms, not appreciating being held down. Dazai knew he wasn't scared. There was no ripple of nullification to tell him Chuuya was fighting. He kissed him.

Dazai groaned to himself, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to his roof. He used to have them, when he was in the Mafia. He'd managed to get Kunikida to put some up for him here, too.

He nudged at Chuuya. "Are you awake?"

Chuuya grumbled. "Am now… What d'ya want…"

Dazai smiled at the sleepy slur of his words. That hadn't changed.

"Hurts."

"Go to sleep."

"I'm in pain, Chuuya," he whined.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Chuuya hissed. He didn't like being woken up.

"Make me feel better…?" He tried to sound cute and desirable.

Chuuya huffed, dragging himself over to lay against Dazai, and wrapped his arms around him. Dazai blinked up at the ceiling.

"…I was thinking something a little more exciting-"

"Shut up. You need to sleep, and I'm tired." Chuuya sighed softly, closing his eyes. "Goodnight, Dazai."

"'Night, Chibi."

He guessed this was okay, too.

Once his body adjusted to not being compressed 24/7, he didn't need the bandages for support anymore. Going without anything felt strange, but it was starting to get easier to breathe.

Chuuya wasn't wearing his binder, either. With just the two of them in the apartment like this, there was no trying to pass or cover up. There was no one there to hurt them. It felt like a little pocket of paradise.

Chuuya brought instant noodles back to the bed, sitting curled on his legs. Dazai stole some with his hands, and Chuuya swatted at him.

"It's my dinner, ass."

"It's my apartment, shrimp."

Chuuya scowled, but didn't say anything else. He let Dazai take as much as he wanted.

"So." Dazai licked the flavour off his fingers. "How long before you have to go back?"

"What?"

"To the PM. Mori won't let you sit around with me forever."

Chuuya hesitated. "…He's given me six months."

"That's a long time." Dazai tilted his head. "And you're not injured. Been saving up vacation days?"

"I had a bad mission." He didn't elaborate.

Chuuya was soft. He got attached to weak underlings that died quick. He mourned and he sulked and he drank. He was more human than Dazai, in that aspect. Usually, though, he'd just push through the pain. It was unusual for him to be so affected afterwards, that even Mori thought he needed half a year off. It must've been bad. Dazai hadn't noticed, so wrapped up in his own shit. He shifted to hug the shorter man.

"You can stay here the whole time, if you want to."

"You just want me to keep taking care of you…" Chuuya rebutted half-heartedly. He leaned into Dazai.

Dazai hummed. If it gave Chuuya something to do besides wallow and drink himself to sleep every night, Dazai wanted it.

Kunikida came by the next day. Dazai had lost his phone at some point, and Kunikida had a two-day rule - no contact for two days, and he was tracking you down.

Dazai opened the door, only wearing a shirt because Chuuya had thrown one at him.

"Kunikida! I was wondering when you would show up."

"If you'd just message me back, I wouldn't have to." He looked at Dazai's shirt. "What are you wearing…"

"It's Chuuya's." He looked down. It was some cartoon dog design. Chuuya liked his cute pyjamas.

"Oh. Nakahara is here?"

"Yep." Dazai watched for his reaction. Kunikida always got a little jealous, even if he refused to admit that he's bi and has a crush on Dazai.

Kunikida shifted his weight, glancing around. "Well, you're alive, so I guess that's all."

"Okay, Kunikida. Bye-bye. See you in another two days."

"Or you could call me like I asked-"

Dazai closed the door.

"What was that about?" Chuuya asked from the couch.

"Kunikida checks on anyone from the agency that no one's heard from for two days." Dazai came over to sit on his lap. "Sometimes more often, if he thinks something's wrong."

Chuuya buried his face in Dazai's hair. "Sounds like a waste of energy."

"He keeps us safe."

"Hm."

Dazai's ribs started to ache less, especially on mornings after he slept well, tucked under Chuuya's arm like nothing more than a plush dog.

Eventually, he decided that he should at least try to go to work. He sighed, dragging himself from the bed. Chuuya made a disgruntled noise.

"Where are you going…"

"Work. It's been a while. Gotta prove to the rest of 'em that I'm still kicking."

Chuuya watched him collect some clothes from around the room. Dazai - rather maturely, he would like to point out - did not fight Chuuya for the location of his binder. He didn't have a usable bra, either, so he went without. His jacket would cover enough. Maybe he could mess with the others.

Once dressed, he turned back to Chuuya.

"Are you going to be okay for a few hours?"

"I'll be fine, stupid mackerel."

"Maybe four hours. I don't feel like doing much."

"I'm fine. I'll finally get some peace," he said, turning his nose up at Dazai.

"Sure, sure."

Dazai wasn't sure he'd ever been in the office without binding. He hadn't even told Kunikida that he's trans, not wanting to confuse the poor man about his sexuality even more. Yosano knew, being his doctor, and Ranpo probably knew, but deemed it non-important. He'd never asked or anything.

Dazai saw Atsushi, first, with an armful of papers to go in the recycling bin. Dazai fell into step beside him, offering no help.

"Atsushi! I missed you, little dude."

"Dazai." Atsushi dumped the pile in the bin. "It's been a month…"

"Yeah. Sorry." He wasn't very sorry. "Anything exciting happen?"

"Not really, I guess. A lot of smaller cases." Atsushi started to head back.

"Mm." Dazai followed.

Kunikida, at the very least, seemed happy to have Dazai back. Though Dazai wasn't sure 'happy' was the right word. Maybe impressed that Dazai had showed up showered and in clean clothes.

Dazai sat at his desk, brushing a few sweets wrappers into the bin under the bed. Ranpo's, no doubt. Dazai was thinking a slow transition back to work - which basically meant he'd sit in the office for a while, do nothing, and then go home.

Kunikida did not have the same idea. Dazai tutted at him as he came over with some paperwork, and Kunikida shook his head.

"Don't click your tongue at me. You came to work, you're going to work."

"But I'm still recovering…"

"You're four weeks behind. And that's not even counting how far behind you were before you decided to take a little holiday."

"I'm starting to feel sick again…" Dazai mumbled.

Kunikida softened, seeing he wasn't just complaining.

"I'll help you. But you need to get started. It'll only keep getting worse, the longer you leave it."

It wasn't as bad as Kunikida made it sound. Dazai guessed that he'd been keeping it manageable while Dazai was off. With Kunikida's help, and some help from Atsushi, they finished it all that afternoon.

Dazai was thoroughly exhausted now, though. He sighed, leaning back in his chair.

"Ugh. I can't look at another form. Atsushi, drive me home?"

"I can't drive, Dazai."

"Right. Kunikida?"

Nothing. Dazai rolled his neck to see him. He has a weird expression on his face.

"Kunikida, I know you missed me, but it's rude to stare~"

Kunikida shook his head. "I'll take you home. Come on."

Dazai sat quietly in the car. Kunikida kept sighing and huffing to himself, like he was irritated, but Dazai didn't sense that it was directed towards him.

"Everything okay, Kunikida…?"

"Fine," he replied gruffly.

Dazai watched him. Another huff came from the blond.

"What, Dazai?"

"Nothing. You're the one being weird."

Kunikida shook his head, frustrated. "…Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"There's no polite way of saying this…" He dragged a hand down his face. "Do you have breasts today?"

Dazai burst into laughter, which only made Kunikida turn a deeper shade of red.

"Dazai!" he barked, pulling over. "This isn't funny!"

Dazai held his aching ribs, trying to bite back his laughter to ease the pain.

"Kunikida!" he cried, throwing his head back. "Who the fuck asks that?"

Kunikida buried his face in his hands, groaning. "You're going to be the death of me."

Dazai choked out a few more giggles, then pulled himself back together. He rubbed at his eyes.

"Okay, okay. I'm good now." He grinned. "Wanna touch?"

"…No."

"Bummer." He sighed, still hugging his ribcage. Laughing hurt. Worth it, he guessed. "Yeah, I do. I can't bind for a while, since I have zero care for my body, and I ended up in some unhealthy habits. Giving the tits some air."

Kunikida had his head in his hands. He was sweet, but Dazai guessed he came from a more conservative area. It was a lot to wrap his black-and-white head around.

"…'Bind'?"

"Tight clothes, so my chest looks flat."

"…Why?"

"I'm trans. Assigned-female-at-birth. That means nothing for you, so don't treat me any different, 'kay?"

Kunikida glanced at him. Dazai was on guard, now. He reminded himself that Kunikida was uneducated on the topic, but not unwilling to learn.

"I wouldn't treat you any different…" he said.

Dazai tried to make himself relax. "I know. I'm used to worse than you, Kunikida. It's not that I think you would."

Kunikida nodded slightly.

Kunikida drove him home. Dazai yawned, already half asleep on the ride back.

"Aww, here already?"

"Go sleep in your bed, Dazai."

"Oh, another thing…" Dazai said, getting it out while he remembered. "Don't use this to try and justify your sexuality struggle. I'm still more man than you~"

"My what-"

"And don't go crazy imagining my tits. They're really not as impressive as your mind is making them out to be."

"Dazai-"

"Thanks for the ride. Seeya!!" Dazai hopped out and went inside.

Dazai leaned back against the door. It stunk in here.

"Chuuya?"

Nothing. Dazai steeled himself.

"I told you, four hours. You said it'd be fine." He walked through the house, slowly. "…Oh."

Chuuya was curled up in the corner of the kitchen, opposite what looked like a full bottle of wine smashed in the sink. Dazai slowly sat down by him.

"You drink any…?"

"No…" He rubbed at his eyes. "If I start, I'll never stop…"

"Good." Dazai wrapped an arm around him, checking his hands. There was a couple scrapes, nothing too bad. "Do we need a different plan while I'm out?"

"I'm a grown man-"

"You still got your hands on alcohol before you managed to pull yourself out of it. A couple more days of this, and you might not have the willpower to smash the bottle."

"Fuck!" Chuuya screamed, tugging at his hair. Dazai tried to ease his hands away from his head.

"Chuuya…"

"It's my fault, Dazai!"

"That doesn't matter right now." Dazai held his hands down on his lap. "We're both fine. No one here is blaming you."

"I am!"

Dazai shook his head, scooping Chuuya up into his arms. He carried the smaller man to the bed. The lack of fight concerned him. Chuuya dug his nails into Dazai's shoulders, but he didn't struggle like he normally would when being manhandled.

Dazai set him down, pulling a blanket up to wrap around him. Chuuya let him, quiet now.

"Tell me what happened…?"

Chuuya shook his head. He pulled the blanket over his face, hiding like a child. Dazai pet his head.

"I can take tomorrow off, if you want. I'm caught up now."

"Go do your damn job," Chuuya grumbled.

"You helped me, Chibi. Let me help you, now."

Chuuya was silent for a while. Slowly, he nodded.

Dazai wasn't as good as Chuuya at helping. He didn't know how to cook, never cleaned, had no good habits to go off. He barely took care of himself, how was he going to keep a whole other person alive?

Chuuya seemed content just to have company, though. Everytime Dazai tried to do something, Chuuya would tug at his arm and pull him back to bed. Dazai's hips hurt from laying so much. He groaned, shifting to lay over Chuuya's body.

"How long are we gonna stay like this…?"

"Longer."

"Mmkay…" Dazai yawned. "You're pretty comfy, y'know."

"Shh. Sleep time."

"It's been sleep time for hours…"

"Longer."

"'Kay…"

Eventually, Dazai detached himself, leaving a kiss on Chuuya's head while he slept. He considered finding a sharpie, but something told him that Chuuya wasn't in the mood for jokes.

He took Chuuya's phone and walked out to the balcony, searching through the contacts. 'Boss'. He pressed call.

Mori's smooth, lazy voice came through the little speaker. "Chuuya, I told you to rest."

"This is Dazai."

"Ah! Is Chuuya alright?"

"He's… Alive. I want to know what happened."

"Well, I'm not really sure that's my information to share-"

"Cut the crap. You've never given a shit about privacy." He tried to calm himself down. "I'm taking care of him. You owe me, if you want him work-ready in a few months time."

"I suppose…" A dramatic sigh. "He's been training a group of rookies for months. Thirteen, total. Kids, honestly, the oldest was twenty. They had their first mission."

Dazai closed his eyes. Was Mori trying to kill Chuuya? He got attached to fucking everyone, why would he give him a group of useless children?

"They all died?"

"All but one. There was a leak. A rat. Chuuya knew something was off, but didn't want to get his team member in trouble, so he didn't do anything."

"Did you plant the rat?"

Silence.

"Mori, fucking- did you do this to him on purpose? You want to wreck what little trust he still has in people??"

"Good day, Dazai." The call ended.

Dazai stayed outside for a while, trying to calm down. He stayed long enough that Chuuya came out looking for him, wearing shorts and a t-shirt, the pale corruption scars visible on his bare skin. Chuuya leaned into his side. Dazai hugged him, and kept his mouth shut.