Chapter Text
I’ve been sick before I even knew I was a conscious being.
The hospital was practically my home.
My only family member is my older brother, Sae. Our parents don’t have the time to visit me more than once every two months.
But that’s fine with me. I didn’t mind.
To me, they were less like my parents and more like my benefactors.
Sae would always get mad when I called them that, though. He’d have that angry and disappointed look on his face. I’m unsure if it's directed towards his parents or me.
…
Today was my 16th birthday.
I hated celebrating my birthday. Sae understood that hence why he stopped wishing me on that day. There was nothing to celebrate now anyway.
Why was I even born? Why did God bother creating a piece of miserable trash like me? I can’t even do anything except rot in this shitty bed.
God, please just take me.
Just being alive irritates me. So tiring, pointless, disgusting…
..
Someone knocks on the door.
“Rin?” Its my older brother. I keep my eyes glued to the view of the city outside the window, I don’t need to respond or invite him in. He comes in no matter.
The door opens and shuts.
I hear his footsteps approach. I don’t move. I can’t. My body refuses to move, even if my mind remains awake.
It's like I was paralyzed, even if I wasn’t.
There is treatment for this, fortunately.
I just refused to take them.
“Rin.” I liked Sae especially for how he doesn’t speak to me softly or gently as though I'm someone completely hopeless. Even if I can hear how shaky he is. Even if I can hear how close he is to tearing up when he sees me. Even if he sometimes resorts to pleading.
I used to be normal.
Everything changed 12 years ago when I was 7. I developed a blood cancer called ‘multiple myeloma’ and suddenly I was sentenced to spending the rest of my life within these white walls. Not that I would be alive for too long.
“I brought you lunch.”
I hear plastic bags get placed down on the bedside table of my bed. “How are you doing?”
A hand reaches out to rest atop one of mine.
I don’t respond. I don’t look his way. Sae doesn’t expect me to either.
“I heard they were bringing in an assistant doctor? Medical assistant? Of some sort...”
That would be useless. Nothing would help me. At least I could be a learning experience for some doctor on training fucker i suppose. That’s all I'm worth now, I guess.
That’s how i'll be benefiting society
Sae takes a deep breath, as if he's capable of hearing my depressing thoughts. “He’s only 17.. I heard. Just around your age.”
Great. Just great.
Did they think bringing in someone my age to remind me of what I could’ve been if I wasn’t a total failure would give me a semblance of... what? Relationship? Connection?
It's hopeless. This is probably my last year being alive anyway, damnit. (I overheard the doctors.)
They can’t even let my life end in peace. Shit. This shitty life…god damnit. I just want to die. Please just let me go.
Let me go.
Why can’t Sae just... stop? Stop clinging to the false hope that I could be fixed. I would rather he pressed a pillow to my face and ..
And…
And just killed me.
“Haa.. Rin.” I’m sorry. I’m sorry for causing you all of this pain. I’m sorry that god, for some reason, had decided to curse you by sending me to be your younger brother.
“I love you.”
…
“So please say something. Talk to me. Don’t give up on me, Rin.”
…
“Please?”
…
It took a few hours until Sae left. Honestly.. I’m glad I had a higher chance of dying before my older brother. If I lost him first.. I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d be a dumbass left on the road without a map to guide me
It’s the one good thing in all of this.
Thank god i’m dying before him.