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Victoria had never tasted such bitter rejection before.
Of course, that didn’t mean her life had been a bed of roses in every aspect, that she had achieved success after success and everything came to her easily, effortlessly. Actually, it was quite the opposite. She put in inhuman amounts of effort to make sure she always got what she wanted. Or what her parents wanted. So as not to disappoint them, or herself.
In relationships, she had never encountered anything like it either. Mostly because she had only ever been truly close with one friend, Devi, whom she met on the first day of college. She’d had a few crushes, but she never took any steps toward them, or toward reaching any bases beyond zero. And since she didn’t, she never experienced the brutal slam of a door in her face.
She couldn’t quite pinpoint what was different this time. What made her invite her biggest work crush out on a date, the accidental and embarrassing blurting out that she liked him since her first day at that hospital. She suspected it might have had something to do with adrenaline. That day, under McKay’s supervision, she had performed a truly risky medical procedure that may have saved the patient’s life, but still left her leaving the hospital hours later on shaking legs.
Mateo ended up by her side, nothing out of the ordinary — sometimes when their shifts overlapped, they walked home together, chatting about trivial things. And she found so much comfort in those conversations. And maybe it was because of the stress of that day and the loneliness that was creeping in more and more. Because everyone around her was in relationships, situationships, or at least had something going on.
Mateo, sweet Mateo. One of the most genuine people she had met that first day, funny, kind, forever laid-back. Casually flirty. Incredibly hot, just as a side note. Of course, the sweet Mateo she knew didn’t laugh at her, only openly stated that he doesn’t date people from work and, if he were to be honest, he didn’t feel like they were a good match.
But even the nicest rejection is still a rejection.
And a first big rejection in life tends to end in your best friend’s room, where you miserably soak their pillow with your tears, and they have the decency not to comment on it. Only gently strokes your back. Devi also allowed herself to quietly snicker under her breath, which she didn’t even try to hide.
“Victoria and her first broken heart. I was starting to think I’d grow old before I got to see it.”
Javadi let out only a long groan. She slowly rolled onto her back, with swelling around her tear-puffed eyes drifting across Devi’s room, and she felt like snorting with laughter. The place hadn’t changed much since they were teenagers, it practically embodied the bedrooms of Disney Channel characters with its pink walls covered in peeling photos and band posters, stuffed animals, and a quirky lamp on the nightstand next to which stood a half-emptied bottle of wine. The perfect place to experience your first rejection. Because Victoria didn’t want to call it a broken heart. It felt like far too strong a word.
She hadn’t told Devi this yet, but she felt like her crying mostly didn’t come from the fact that Mateo didn’t want to go out with her. More from regret. Maybe if she were more experienced, bursting with more confidence, knew what she wanted, was fully aware of her identity, attractiveness, sexuality…maybe then things would look different.
She was slowly starting to get tired of being a 20-year-old virgin.
“Devi,” she said slowly, after five minutes of staring at the ceiling. “Do you remember that dating app you told me about?”
Devi froze with a glass of wine in her hand.
“Holy shit, you wanna set up Hinge?”
Victoria sat up on her friend’s bed, crossed her legs, and took a breath. Her cheeks were hot from crying and a strange, sudden wave of excitement. What was she even doing? Did she really want this, or was she just acting on a momentary existential crisis?
Javadi nodded, and her friend let out a short, manic laugh before quickly fanning herself, forcing herself back into seriousness.
“I’m sorry, it’s just so out of character for you,” she said, facing her. A smile still lingered on her lips. “But you do realize Hinge is kind of…wild, right? For every semi-normal person, there are like three weirdos and one guy who’ll want to split the restaurant bill exactly down the middle after he ordered three times more stuff than you?”
Victoria felt a sudden wave of doubt.
“Are these actual statistics?” she asked, concerned.
“But you have to be aware, my dear, that it’s extremely hard to, like, find true love on apps like that,” her friend continued. “People for something serious. Of course they exist, but most are rather looking for casual sex…”
“What if…” Victoria cut in, her voice trembling, then she bit the inside of her cheek. She had to stop being so prudish. She forced herself into a more nonchalant posture, which looked like a temporary costume on her, but at least she didn’t sound like a little girl. “What if I’m also just looking for casual sex?”
Devi froze with her mouth half open.
“Oh,” she said, clearly surprised. It took her a moment to come back to reality. “Oh! This feels…even more out of character but you know what? I’m here for it. So. Do you have any pics we can use?”
“Pics? For what?”
“For Hinge, you silly.”
“I have to put my photos there? What if my parents see it?”
“What would your parents even hypothetically be doing on Hinge?”
She opened her mouth at her own stupidity and then closed it again, slightly embarrassed. She blamed the wine.
“Fair enough.”
Devi sighed.
“This is going to be quite a ride.”
*
“What about this one?” Javadi nudged her phone under her friend’s nose.
They were at her place again, this time on the couch in the living room. Devi had her laptop on her lap and was working on a new fanfiction about Bucky Barnes. She was so absorbed in writing that she only reluctantly glanced at her friend’s choices. This time, though, her eyebrows shot up and she pulled the phone closer.
“What is this white frat boy?”
Javadi shrugged. She had never really had one strict type, even fictional characters she liked could be completely different from each other. And this guy’s hair looked very fluffy and he just had something about him that drew her in.
Devi shook her head in disapproval.
“Mateo was such a snack, I thought you had better taste. I was wrong.”
“He’s also a med student,” she defended the stranger.
“I thought you were looking for casual sex. Now a medical degree is suddenly necessary to get you laid?”
“I mean, we’ll at least have something to talk about!”
“Yeah, I’m predicting some excellent dirty talk for you two.”
Victoria decided to ignore her friend’s teasing, something distracted her anyway. She looked at her phone and her lips parted slightly in a wave of excitement, though it wasn’t quite a smile yet. The truth was, she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She wasn’t really convinced by the idea of finding love on a dating app, but if she was going to meet someone for something casual, she wanted them to have at least a few things in common, so there wouldn’t be awkward silence between them. In fact, she had already rejected a few guys on Hinge before just because when she looked at them, something about their appearance made her feel intimidated, like meeting them would be painfully awkward. This was the first time she didn’t feel that.
“We have a match,” she announced.
Devi rolled her eyes. She went back to working on her fanfic, but after a moment she murmured something under her breath, thoughtful.
“Actually,” she began, “there’s nothing better than a guy who knows female anatomy. What’s your student’s name?”
“James.”
“Well, James. I hope you’ve learned something useful.”
Victoria also hoped so.
*
And that hope was not an illusion at all.
But it’s hard to talk about it when Victoria herself kept returning to those memories in a way that required re-discovering them all over again, moment by moment. And when she did, she felt like they were literally projected onto her forehead like from a slide projector. Something she couldn’t exactly afford at 7 a.m. at the start of her shift at The Pitt.
She was just putting her backpack into her locker in the changing room when it crossed her mind that maybe she should text James. Hook-up culture was a completely unexplored phenomenon for her, known only from other people’s stories, so she didn’t really understand the etiquette. She assumed there probably was some. After a moment of thinking, she decided not to do it. Or maybe yes. Or better not.
They hadn’t had any long conversation about the nature of their situation, but at this surprisingly early stage of texting, they had agreed that the medical environment can be so exhausting that many people (them included) simply don’t have time or energy for relationships. Besides, Victoria knew that serious and frequent meetings would definitely attract her parents’ attention, and she would have to admit she was seeing someone, something she was completely not ready for. She preferred, then, for nothing to develop between them in the near future, and James apparently wanted the same as well.
Speaking of texting, their beginning had been so strange that Victoria almost ended it right there. His messages came off as cold, she had flashbacks to emailing professors in college when she tried to make everything sound as formal and professional as possible. On top of that, he took a long time to reply, and for a moment she felt like he wasn’t interested in her at all.
Victoria was glad she hadn’t done it. When they met, it was clear James was anything but uninterested. He kissed her way too well for someone supposedly not interested, and his hand traced a path from under her cheek down along her body toward her hips, way too confidently and hungrily for him to be uninterested.
She was afraid that her lack of experience would turn out to be a huge obstacle, afraid she would keep analyzing everything in her head to the point where she would feel like a stiff piece of wood. But when she finally allowed her mind to switch off, to focus on feeling and sensation rather than how she was being perceived, her lack of experience seemed to stop mattering. She could compare it to performing a new medical procedure. It seemed stressful in theory, but once emotions kicked in and the desire to save someone’s life took over, your hands suddenly just knew what to do.
And so her hands knew to grip his hair, which she had wanted to touch from the very beginning, every time she felt. And she felt good most of the time, except for exceptionally good. Once she relaxed enough, there was nothing stopping her from running her hands over his body in whatever way felt good, using the sounds he made as guides.
She went to meet him accepting the fact that the first time didn’t have to be perfect, or even particularly good. After all, she didn’t yet know her own preferences, she couldn’t expect him to guess them and give her what she needed. And the truth was, James really didn’t guess her desires on the first try. When he asked in a low voice, how do you want me to touch you, placing a kiss under her ear, she only managed to whisper that he should decide himself.
He noticeably slowed down then, but didn’t lose his eagerness. He was more careful, but not discouraged, gentle but still engaged. Focused on trying out different things and asking short questions like how does it feel, to which Victoria didn’t even need to answer in full sentences. Sometimes a single word or a sound was enough, so she didn’t get distracted from focusing on the sensation.
She was pleasantly surprised by how he was able to prioritize her pleasure, and for a moment she felt overwhelmed by the fact that she might not be able to reciprocate in the same way. But that night she understood that sex isn’t a transaction, nor is it only about repaying someone when the act itself satisfies and draws both of you in equally, when you approach it with the same passion. And he made it very obvious that he took pleasure in giving pleasure.
When she thought about it, it occurred to her that maybe she should text him after all. Maybe just a simple thank you. For that night, and for how light her head felt today. But before she managed to reach for her phone, she heard footsteps behind her.
“Crash,” Santos greeted her briefly, opening her locker and tossing her bag inside.
Victoria had already gotten used to the nickname. She answered with a quick hi too absorbed in her thoughts to start a conversation. Besides, at such an early hour, at the beginning of a shift, everyone was still half-hidden in themselves.
“Did you hear we’re getting two new interns today?” Trinity asked as they walked out of the locker room together.
Javadi was briefly surprised, then remembered that Robby had actually mentioned something about it. It felt strange, as if it had been yesterday that she had arrived here on her first day. She silently decided she would do everything she could to make those first hours kind to them.
But that resolution somehow evaporated when she saw the silhouettes in front of her, absorbed in conversation with Robby. One of those faces she had never seen before, it belonged to a short woman with glasses and a nose piercing.
The second one, as it happened, she had even kissed.
Her feet almost stuck to the floor, her steps noticeably slowing. Santos didn’t even notice, as usual moving ahead confidently on her own. The tall guy in plain scrubs with familiar, soft-to-touch hair. The new intern. Oh, what cruel coincidence was this?
James finally noticed her, and she was really, really grateful that he hid the surprise that flickered across his face so quickly.