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There was dead silence in the room.
Zooble was the first to gather their wits enough to speak, “something better have gotten lost in the translation from binary to English, Caine, because that cannot be the adventure you’ve planned.”
“No miscommunication here, my mismatched friend, inspired by the events at our foray into softball, our adventure for today is a classic Gender-Swap!” Caine replied cheerily.
Bubble, from her position floating next to Caine, makes an indistinguishable noise.
Jax is horrified, how are these %$!#ing morons still harping on about the maid dress. He’s been pulling every trick out of his (admittedly large) playbook of pranks and jokes to make them forget. Of course the one time he really needs them to forget something in favour of the newest Jax-%$!#-Up and they refuse! Pretty inconsiderate if you ask him.
When he tunes back into the %$!# show happening in front of him it seems like Zooble is becoming increasingly frustrated in the face of trying to explain to Caine that their complete lack of gender doesn’t really have an opposite to swap to while the AI does a striking impersonation of Rodin’s ‘The Thinker’.
The rest of the gang seem resigned to their fates with the exception of Ragatha who stands just behind Zooble looking like some kind of %$!#ed-up henchman who’s about to mime slitting his own throat menacingly and Kinger, who never really looks like he knows what’s happening.
Okay, game plan time, finding a way out of the adventure is a no-go, especially after the Maid Dress Incident. That would just result in the nosiest of the lot (Rags and Pomni) coming after him to try and get him to talk about his ‘feewings’. Ugh, he has to repress a physical shudder at the thought.
The truth of the matter is that the Maid Dress Incident stirred up some extremely unpleasant emotions that Jax stalwartly refuses to name and the last thing he wants to do is risk drawing everyone’s attention to them.
As Jax runs through scenarios in his mind he comes to one conclusion. The only way he can avoid the second coming of the Spanish Inquisition that will follow him if he shows how much he does NOT want to do this, is to go along with it. Unless Zooble somehow gets through to Cain about them NOT doing this (which looks decreasingly likely with every passing moment, even Ragatha’s goon pose is starting to deflate in the face of Caine’s complete lack of movement).
Gangle’s timid voice cuts into Zooble’s rant, “Uh, Caine, I have an idea-”
The pace at which Caine rushes towards Gangle elicits a squeak from the girl.
“YES” he says, much more abruptly than usual, before clearing his throat with a mildly-digital cough and continuing “please my ribbonous roomie, what’s your idea?”
The girl beckons him closer and leans in to whisper in his ear (or really an approximation of where his ear would be).
Caine draws back and speaks, “wonderful idea my dear! With that sorted we can all head onwards to the adventure.”
A wave of his staff opens a swirling portal before the group. It's a testament to the trust Zooble has in Gangle that she enters the portal with little more than a resigned sigh.
In the first spot of good luck Jax has had today, their avatars aren’t transformed as soon as they enter the portal. Instead they’re dumped into what looks like a changing room you would find in a department store. With 6 open compartments shielded by long curtains.
Kinger immediately wanders into the closest one, supporting Jax’s theory that the man really has no idea what's going on. Gangle lays a supportive hand on Zooble’s shoulder and that’s enough for them to head towards the next empty room, closely followed by Ragatha.
Suddenly, it’s just him and Pomni still waiting. She gives the bunny a wry look, “see you on the other side.”
Jax stumbles over some kind of retort (he couldn’t tell you what he was trying to say if you held him at gunpoint), before rushing towards the nearest available chamber. He doesn’t stick around long enough to see the pensive look Pomni gives him.
Inside the chamber he closes the curtain tightly behind him (well, as tightly as you can close a curtain). The small room has a wall mounted mirror with a large red button set into it, the button contains a mash-up of the two gender symbols with curved arrows surrounding them. Jax takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and hits the button.
He feels his avatar change, it's as if his whole body has pins and needles for just a moment before the feeling recedes. Without even opening his eyes he knows this time is different to the Maid Dress Incident, he can feel the way his weight settles oddly around his chest and hips.
He takes a moment to hype himself up and opens his eyes. His face is the first thing he notices, just like last time he has gained dark purple eyeliner surrounding his eyes but this time it's joined by matching lashes and circular patches on his cheeks of the same colour, just like Pomni.
He glances down and sees his new outfit, the overalls have been replaced by a short yellow dress with a high neckline, over-top of a pink blouse with slightly puffy sleeves. He is pleased to see that he’s gained shoes and socks, yellow mary janes with a slight lift and pink knee-high socks. His gloves have changed too, they’ve taken on a more slender shape, reminiscent of real hands. He takes a step back from the mirror and stares, the dress is fitted without being tight and shows off his new waist and - holy %$!# - boobs!
He turns to the side and admires the new bumps on his chest where it used to be flat as a board. He raises a hand and runs his hand reverently down the length of his torso.
He’s pulled out of his musings by a call of his name from outside the curtain (sounds like Pomni) and scolds himself for getting so caught up, he’s a man for christ’s sake, having tits shouldn’t be some big revelation.
He pulls the curtain to the side with a flourish and poses seductively for his audience, hoping it covers the awe disgust he feels. “Hey Pom-Pom, you miss me?”
Silence stretches, Jax becoming increasingly panicked the longer it does, what if they hate it, what if they laugh, oh god, what if they know. (Know? Know what? There’s nothing to know, I’m a man, I’m so much of a man that I don’t even care that I’m wearing a dress right now. Take that Zoobie, toxic masculinity? I don’t know her.)
The silence is finally, finally, broken by Ragatha with one drawled word, “damn”.
That breaks the dam and suddenly the room is filled with laughter at the doll’s expense and her desperate pleas that “no wait, wait, that isn’t what I meant”.
Zooble responds, “it is so what you meant and I can’t even blame you because, yeah, damn”.
A genuine smile spreads across Jax’s face, he tries to hide it by looking smug but he doesn’t think it's working in the slightest and right now it doesn’t even matter. He hasn’t felt like this in a long time.
—
After they’ve all taken a moment to admire each other's transformations. Pomni and Ragatha’s new outfits and shorter hair, Gangle’s wider frame and more masculine face plates, Kinger’s change from a King chesspiece to a Queen and, Zooble’s somewhat confusing shift from pink to varying shades of green. They realised that in the commotion of figuring out what to do to Zooble, Caine neglected to give them any actual instructions on what today’s adventure entails.
A cursory investigation of the room they’re in reveals a tall blue door and, with little other options, they decide to venture through it. Behind the door is what appears to be a summer camp, a glance to the right shows rows of cabins and an archery setup, with what looks to be a zipline somewhere behind it. To the right there’s a large clear lake.
Jax quickly comes to the conclusion that the Gender-Swap was the extent of Caine’s ingenuity and he just dropped in the first thing that popped up when he searched ‘activities’ on the internet. He expects to feel a rush of blood-thirsty adrenaline at the sight of a bow and arrow, but with his good mood, he might as well pay it forward instead of messing with the others.
Without discussion, the group splits off into pairs, Gangle and Zooble head off towards the cabins while Ragatha and Kinger head towards the archery range. Which leaves him and Pomni to their devices, “so Pom-Pom, looks like it's you and me again.”
She smiles up at him which, weird, people’s first reaction to Jax isn’t usually a smile, more a sigh or a groan. “Wanna go check out the lake?” She offers and Jax doesn’t have a better idea so he concedes with a nod and they turn towards the water.
A closer inspection of the lake reveals a pier leading out to a small pontoon with sun-loungers so they head there. Once settled in seats angled toward each other Jax speaks, “what do you think of your new avatar?”
“It felt a little strange at first, I think I got used to having my knees out all the time and my hair’s never been this short before, but I don’t mind it, my real avatar isn’t exactly a shining example of femininity in the first place.”
“True that, your avatar has always given more Jester than Jestress.”
She gives him a flat look, “there’s no way that’s a word.”
He places a hand on his chest with a gasp of faux offence, “how dare you, sir. I’ve never in my life been accused of making up words.” He says, voice pitched up.
Pomni giggles and responds in a voice pitched low. “Why fair maiden, I didn’t mean any harm, I simply never heard that word before.”
“Are you callin’ me a liar?”
“Well I ain’t callin’ you a truther!”
They dissolve into giggles at the reference, hunched towards each other. Pomni leans back in her seat with a sigh.
“What about you? How are you feeling in your new avatar then, oh fair maiden. I expected you to be more upset about this whole thing considering what happened at softball.”
Jax freezes up and gives an answer that he hopes to god sounds more nonchalant than he feels.
“Yeah well I uh- I guess I just didn’t see any reason getting upset about it. If Zoobie couldn’t skip out on this one I knew there’s no way Caine would let me.”
“Hmm, that’s surprisingly mature of you Jax.”
“Welp, guess we all gotta grow up sometime, I am getting on there in years.”
Pomni scoffs, “like you’re not the youngest out of all of us.”
“And how would you know? I’ve never told you my age, I could be older than Kinger.”
“Oh please, your whole everything screams younger brother.”
Jax does NOT feel a pang in his chest when he hears the word brother out of Pomni’s mouth. It’s just the fact that they’re alone that’s making him feel vulnerable. Yeah, that’s it.
“Besides, it’s- it’s not the worst thing ever, is it? I don’t, like, look stupid or anything do I?”
Pomni looks at him for a moment, “no, you don’t look stupid, you look like a girl.”
Jax’s chest fills with warmth.
—
Jax and Pomni stick together for the day, taking the opportunity to explore and try out most of the activities (plus absolutely dominating at archery to show the rest of these dweebs who’s boss).
Now the group is laying together in the open field by the lake and stargazing, there’s a common understanding in the digital circus that when you have the opportunity for a low-stimulation activity, you take it. Gangle and Zooble are chatting in low voices, god those two are so married, Jax thinks to himself.
Pomni speaks aloud, “honestly I think this adventure has been one of my favourites. I’m kind of sad to see it end.”
Noises of assent come from the rest of the group but Jax isn’t listening, he’s realising that pretty soon he’s going to return to his normal avatar, he’ll lose the shoes and the gloves and the dress. Here, under the stars, where it’s quiet, he allows himself the opportunity he’s been needing all day. To think about how that prospect makes him feel.
He hates it.
He likes the shoes and the gloves and the makeup and he really %#!$ing likes the dress and the thought of going back to the overalls makes his chest so tight that his breaths come in pants. The warmth in his chest that he’s felt ever since Pomni said he looks like a girl goes cold like a candle extinguished.
The realisation is horrible and awful and every other synonym for bad you can think of, but it also feels like the first clear thought after a panic attack, like pure clarity. Jax wants to be a girl, and Jax has no %#!$ing idea how to go about doing that. Jax doesn’t even have any idea if she he wants to do that. (She knows, she knows she needs it like she needs air.)
“Zooble!” Everyone jumps at the sudden shout that bursts unbidden from Jax’s mouth. “I need to talk to you! Right now, please! Away from here!”
Zooble is looking at him like he’s spontaneously grown antlers but by some virtue she must see the panic on his face and gets up to follow him wordlessly into a copse of trees about a hundred metres from the others.
Jax sits heavily on a fallen log and puts his head in his hands, eyes covered to conceal the panicked tears that have started to leak out. Zooble affords him about a minute before questioning why they were dragged here just to watch him have a breakdown.
Jax raises his head and tugs on his ears before asking in a quieter voice than any Zooble has heard from him before, “how- how did you know that you weren’t- uh- a girl?”
“Oh.” Zooble sits on the log next to Jax and looks to the ground.
“It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been there but I don’t think that will be a problem with you.”
Jax huffs a humourless laugh.
Zooble continues, “the best way I can describe it is feeling like your skin doesn’t quite fit right, it’s- it’s really not fun, it felt like everyday I went out there as a girl I was putting on a costume of a character that I didn’t even like.”
“And- how did you know when you found the right gender or- or no gender I guess.”
Zooble sighs, “when I was a kid we didn’t have a lot of money, and most of my clothes were hand-me-downs from my older sister so I never really had shoes that fit me, until my eleventh birthday when my mum saved up for months to buy me this pair of Converse. I knew, because it felt like putting on the first pair of shoes that fit right.”
There’s no delicate way to say that Jax bursts into tears, heaving sobs that leave her breathless.
“Yep, there it is.” Zooble says, mostly to themself, lifting their hand to rub Jax’s back in soothing circles.
“H-how do I-“ she chokes out between sobs.
“How do you do this?” Zooble guesses, and gets a nod in return.
“There’s no guide for this %#!$. You’ve gotta go at your own pace but I can give you a couple of things to think about. First, decide whether you wanna ask Caine to keep this avatar.” They get a vigorous nod at that.
“Okay, that’s good we have a first step, next thing, do you wanna tell the others now? Or we can just wait for them to figure it out but that can suck because it can feel like you’re waiting for the hammer to fall.”
Jax takes a deep breath and wipes the last of her tears from her eyes. “I- I’m not ready to tell anyone, I only told you because I was so panicked about the realisation that I forgot to be panicked about the telling-people.”
Zooble snorts, “let me see if i’ve got this right, you don’t care if they know, but you’re not ready to tell them.”
Jax nods.
“So in that case, we can either not ask Caine yet and wait until you’re ready to tell them.”
The look on her face must betray how much she despises that idea because Zooble scraps it immediately with a small huff of a laugh.
“Then your best option is to just not address it, you’ll probably get questions ‘cause these %#!$ers are nosy as %#!$ but you can just tell them no. You don’t owe any of them answers.”
Jax nods in agreement.
“And the last thing to think about is one of the harder ones, or, at least it was for me.” Zooble looks over at Jax to make sure she’s paying attention and gets a watery-eyed stare in return. “You have to think about whether you want to stick with Jax or whether you want a new name.”
That one stumps Jax, despite not knowing her name from before the circus it sort of feels like she’s always been Jax.
Zooble speaks again, “you don’t have to decide right now it’s just something to keep in the back of your mind. When someone says your name try to think about how it feels to hear it.”
“Yippee, feelings, my favourite.” Jax responds with a healthy dose of sarcasm.
Zooble responds with an equal amount of sarcasm, “welcome to womanhood, it’s all feelings from here on out.” They sigh. “Welp, no time like the present. CAINE!”
“What!? Now!? We’re doing this right now!?”
“Look me in the eyes and tell me that if I let you put this off that you’ll ever do it.”
Jax doesn’t have a response to that because, uh, yeah she doesn’t have that much faith in herself. She’s not really one for change.
It takes a moment but the AI appears with a pop and a burst of confetti, Bubble next to him. “Zooble! How can I help you my mismatched cash-piano?” (Unfortunately that title had been added to the AI’s rolodex of nicknames.)
“Well, Jax here wanted to ask you a question before we get back to the circus.”
She gives Zooble a look of pure loathing for throwing her under the bus.
“Uh, Caine, I- uh-”
“Whatever you need, Friendo! I’m here to make your experience in the circus as joyful as possible!”
Jax heaves a deep sigh and steels herself, “Caine, when we go back to the circus at the end of this adventure I don’t want you to change my avatar. I want it to stay like this.”
Jax gets no response and looks up at Caine, wait, is that… is Caine tearing up!?
Caine sniffles and responds, “you like the new avatar I designed so much that you want to keep it?”
Jax doesn’t really know how to respond to that but she does anyway, “uh yeah I guess it just feels like it fits me a lot better than the old one.”
“Of course I can do that for you!” He resumes his ‘Thinker’ pose from earlier in the day and starts to mumble to himself, “I’ll just have to edit the code before I bring you all back, shouldn’t take too long. Yes! Okay!”
Caine snaps his fingers and disappears in one more burst of confetti, Bubble remains long enough to make another completely unintelligible noise before disappearing also.
—
Walking back over to the group with Zooble by her side, she’s scared, but she also feels more comfortable than she can ever remember feeling. It seems like they’ve shifted into sitting in a circle, discussing something quietly. The group quickly notices the pair’s approach.
Pomni’s the first to ask, “so, uh, care to explain your disappearance?” She addresses Jax.
Ragatha interjects, “yeah it looked like you were going to explode. Are you okay?”
Jax almost defaults to harsh words to get them to back off but a stony look from Zooble stays her words. “I’m fine you lot, get off my back.” She drawls with a cheery smile. The words don’t seem to reassure either of them but luckily they let it go in favour of questioning why Caine still hasn’t collected them. Thankfully, Zooble addresses their concerns, telling them that he’s just editing some code before they go back but it should be soon. They refuse to answer any further questions, which Jax is grateful for.
—
The wait for Caine to reappear and take them home is nerve-racking for Jax. She’s pretty quiet for the remainder of their time at the camp, the others definitely notice if the side-eyes she keeps getting are any confirmation but thankfully they don’t press the matter, content to leave it until they get back to the circus.
When Caine does finally appear he seems cheerful as ever, ushering the group into a portal, leaving Jax for last. Once everyone else is through he turns to the bunny. “It’s done! Your avatar will remain as it currently is when you get back to the circus.”
Jax is filled with nerves but grateful nonetheless, “thanks, Caine.” She says quietly before taking a deep breath and stepping through the portal. The first thing she notices is that the rest of the group have changed back to their original appearances. Pomni is the first to notice her, raising her hand as if to beckon her over before a look of confusion crosses her face.
Before she can open her mouth to ask, Jax interjects, “nope! Not talking about it right now.” Before performing an about face and walking quickly, NOT running, towards the hallway with their bedrooms.
As she walks away she hears Zooble say, “he’ll talk about it when he’s ready, leave him alone until then.” She knows she asked Zooble not to tell yet but the ‘he’ leaves an oily feeling on her digital fur. Looks like she’ll have to get the telling-people-part over with as soon as possible if she wants to avoid this feeling.