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It’s been two days since Jax changed avatars… and #!$% it feels good. Caine, in a truly shocking display of humanity, has allowed her to skip out on the past two adventures to avoid the questions. She’s not ashamed or anything, but she is scared. The rational side of her brain knows that the chance of the others not accepting her is slim to none. After all, Zooble has done a pretty excellent job of paving the way for her.
Frankly, even if she wanted to be ashamed, it wouldn’t be possible. The whole thing just feels so right, Zooble was really onto something with the whole shoes analogy, and not just because Jax actually, finally, has shoes now instead of wandering around the circus barefoot like some freak who swears by unpasteurised milk and tinfoil hats.
During the times that the circus is empty, the others all on one of Caine’s adventures (even Zooble, that #!@%$ deserves an award for all they’ve done for Jax in the past couple days, fielding what she’s sure are endless questions), Jax takes the opportunity to wander around the circus, getting used to her new avatar without the pressure of being perceived by anyone else.
Unfortunately, her reprieve will likely come to an end tomorrow. The chances of Caine letting her skip out on a third adventure are low, and she doesn’t want to risk the possibility of the AI serenading her through the door as if he’s a creepy little girl in a low-budget horror movie, like he’s begun to do to Zooble.
The idea of letting the others continue to form their own conclusions as they’ve likely been doing the last few days that she’s been absent makes her jaw clench. But so does the idea of sitting them down and having $!#@ing heart-to-heart or some bull$#%!. Luckily, she has an idea, and the idea requires showmanship, her specialty.
That leads to where she is now, the others aren’t back from the latest adventure yet but according to past experience they should be soon. She’s used the oversized toy blocks littered around the circus to build herself a little podium up on the stage and set up chairs in the audience. Now that she’s here the idea seems less funny and more overcompensate-y but in for a penny in for a pound, y’know?
She probably could have had Caine create an actual podium for her but that starts to get too far into overcompensating territory for her comfort. Honestly, #@$! it, who cares if it’s overdramatic, she’s never been averse to some melodrama for the bit. She seems to have timed it perfectly too, because just as she steels her nerves, a portal opens right next to the chairs she set up.
The group troops in. Excellent, they look tired but not exhausted. Awake enough to enjoy the show, but not so awake as to have more than a couple of questions each. Pomni, as per usual, is the first to notice her.
“Jax!” she exclaims, little-to-no tact as expected.
She bats her eyelashes playfully at the Jester, “you miss me that bad, Pom-Pom?”
She rolls her eyes and starts to scamper towards the bunny, clearly angling for a hug, while muttering something about “of course I missed you” but Jax stops her in her tracks with a bup-bup-bup. Directing her instead to the chairs she set up earlier. The girl raises an eyebrow but complies and the rest follow suit.
Jax takes a deep breath to compose herself and get her nerves under control before starting, “okay! I’m about to talk about myself, which I am loathe to do, so let me get through it before you try and cut in. And we’re following press conference rules! Raise your hand if you would like to ask a question.” She sweeps her eyes across the gathered audience in a glare to make sure they really get the point.
She gets seven looks of confused exasperation in return.
Another deep breath, “I’m a girl, new name pending, Jax is fine for now.”
Okay, okay, thank @%$# they know now. She takes a moment to breathe and looks out at her little audience and sees Zooble looking mildly impressed (hah take that Zoobie, I did it) and Ragatha and Pomni both wriggling in their seats as if the effort of withholding their questions is causing physical pain. She decides to throw them a bone, “any questions?”
Ragatha and Pomni’s hands shoot up so fast they might pop out of their sockets. While Zooble, Gangle and confusingly Bubble are more lax in their raised hands (or tongue in Bubble’s case). She might be trying to be nicer in the wake of her realisation but she’s still not really that nice, so she picks Zooble, and leaves the teacher’s pets to stew.
“Yeah, congratulations. Why are we doing a press conference about this?” Ah Zooble, always asking the questions she wants them to ask.
“Because I’m not having a heart-to-heart with any of you mother%!@#ers, and this was the best way to avoid that possibility. Next question.”
She picks Gangle next despite Pomni and Ragatha being barely even seated anymore as they try to raise their hands higher.
“Two things. She/her pronouns? And also I like your outfit.” She seems shy about both the question and the compliment, which makes sense, Jax of three days ago probably would have bitten the poor girl’s head off just for breathing in her vicinity.
“Yes and also thank you.” She considers taking Bubble’s question before Pomni or Ragatha’s but decides against it, Bubble’s question is unlikely to be tasteful in any way and she may want to make a quick escape in the aftermath. She considers the two and Pomni looks just marginally more like she might explode if ignored any longer, so she picks Ragatha.
“I’m so proud of you for telling us! That must have been really scary, I know I would have been scared if I had something that big to share, not that it’s like big or anything and you shouldn’t have had to be scared because it’s not a bad thing it’s actually really nice that you’ve found yourself like this, I-”
Jax is absolutely sick of listening to the ramble, didn’t she have time to formulate her question while waiting to be picked? Why do the rest of them have to hear her stream of consciousness? Jax cuts her off, “yeah, yeah, Raggedy-Anne, lets get to the question already.”
“Oh, right, okay, I just wanted to ask how long you’ve known? Ooh and what are some of the names you might pick?”
“That one’s… difficult, I’ve always known something wasn’t right I think, but if you’re asking when I knew that I’m a girl, two days ago. To the second question, no one’s hearing it until I’m certain I like it.”
“Fair enough.” She responds.
Jax nods, she makes a big show of searching the amusingly small audience for the next question, watching out of the corner of her eye as Pomni literally stands up on her chair and starts waving like a maniac to get the bunny’s attention before turning to her as if she’s just noticed the movement for the first time, “ah, Pomni! You had a question?”
She scoffs, “yes I have a question.” She says sarcastically. “Well I had a few questions really.”
“Of course you do.” She says exasperatedly, but with a fond smile. The jester’s inquisitive nature is kind of endearing. “One at a time, I’ll answer and then you can move on to the next.”
She nods and the bells on her hat jingle merrily, “firstly, is that why you were so weird about the maid dress?”
Ah, Pomni, always asking the questions Jax doesn’t want her to ask. “Yes, never bring it up again. Next!”
She laughs at his recalcitrance. “Okay, next thing, how did you change your avatar?”
“Asked Caine, he said yes, thank you Caine.” She gives a nod to the AI and gets an overly-enthusiastic one in return, damn, that guy’s really starved for praise.
“Last one, did Zooble know before the rest of us, also, is that why you were so weird on the Gender-Swap adventure?”
“Did I not just say one question at a time? Anyway, yes and yes. Zooble was my trans-mentor.”
Pomni blushes at the playful admonishment, but Zooble interjects before she can speak, “it was so stereotypical, she literally said to me ‘how did you know you weren’t a girl’, like oh, honey, if you’re asking it’s already far too #$!@ing late for you.”
The rest of the group pauses, waiting for Jax’s reaction to the playful jab, she laughs, it is kind of funny looking back on it, not to say she wasn’t scared $#!%less at the time. She nods to Bubble to indicate it’s his turn to ask a question.
Bubble only gets three words into her question before Caine overlays a bunch of wacky sounds to shield the rest of their ears from what was sure to be a truly grotesque query. Unfortunately for Caine, his status as ringleader means he still had to hear it, he gives Bubble a look of pure disgusted confusion before popping him.
Jax decides that’s a good time to wrap this up.
—
Later that night, Jax is decompressing in her room when she hears a knock at the door. It’s rare that someone works up the nerve to disturb her, so it’s most likely Pomni at the door; she arrived at the circus with The Audacity and somehow still hasn’t lost it. Jax’s suspicions are confirmed when she opens the door and sees the jester looking up at her with - #$!@ing hell - are those tears in her eyes?
She sighs, “Pom-Pom, I held a press conference so I wouldn’t have to talk about-” She’s cut off by small arms wrapping around her waist, ha, the jester can’t reach any higher. Pomni’s face is pressed against her stomach and she’s shaking with suppressed sobs, Jax sighs and lowers a hand to pat her back apathetically.
“Yeah, yeah, get it out… or whatever the $#!@.” Pomni contains her emotions enough to look up at the bunny with big watery eyes, “I’m just- so- so proud of you” she wails.
Jax stiffens, okay, that’s- that’s far too much. She inches a hand between their bodies despite the death grip the smaller girl has on her and uses the leverage to shove her off. Pomni falls backwards and lands on her @$! with a thud, looking up at the bunny confusedly. Jax knows the girl sees the moment her expression shutters and her mask slides back into place, disappointment flashing across pale features for just a moment.
Jax sneers, “seriously, Pomni, I was #!@%ing clear. I am not having a @!%#ing heart-to-heart about this, get out of my room.”
Pomni’s face falls and she desperately tries to backtrack, stuttering out apologies but Jax can’t hear it right now, slamming the door in the other girl’s face. She hears Pomni make one more teary apology through the door before turning and walking away, Jax lets her head thunk onto the wood of the door, breathing out a deep sigh.
She walks back over to her bed and slumps face down, the last time someone said they were ‘so proud of her’ flashes through her mind.
She’s small, only about eight years old, looking up at the blurry visage of what she remembers of her mum, tears run in itchy streams down her cheeks. Most of her mum’s words are made indistinguishable by loud bursts of static, but she remembers the tone, remembers her mum telling her how proud she is, how brave Jax is, Jax doesn’t feel brave. She remembers her mum shutting and locking the closet, remembers hearing her footsteps walk away, remembers the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut, remembers the sound of his voice, remembers the thud that shook the floors of their sh!%#y little two-bedroom, she remembers the silence, the heavy, stomping footsteps getting closer and closer to the door of her hiding place, she doesn’t remember anything after that.
Jax sits up with a gasp, shaking her head to rid herself of the last dregs of bone-chilling fear sitting heavy in her gut. #!@%, it’s one of two memories of her mum that survived her arrival in the circus. She has this theory that only memories with powerful emotions attached survive the circus, unfortunately, this one qualifies.
God, her mum, she can’t remember anything about her except for the smell of her perfume; it was kind of flowery but herbal, like daisies, and it always made her feel safe, especially when he was around. Jax wraps her arms around herself tightly in some poor imitation of a hug, rolling onto her side to stare at the blank backsides of pictures still pinned to her wall and allows the stuttering sob building in her chest to escape.