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“You know, your frustration won’t help you improve. Take a break.”
The voice echoing from the door was too familiar to be mistaken. The sound ricochetted off the walls of the almost empty gym.
Shirabu hadn’t done as well as he’d liked during practice so he wanted to stay back and run everything through again but of course, his absence was noted.
“What do you care? Shouldn’t you be hoping for me to self-destruct, Semi-san?”
Semi stood alone in the doorway. Watching from a distance. At the delivery of his words, Semi looked even more annoyed. Good for him, Shirabu thought.
“Even if we’re competing for the same spot, we’re still on the same team. I don’t want you dragging down the performance-”
Of course. It was for the team. Shirabu felt his scowl deepen for a reason he couldn’t name.
“-but I’m also your senior. I don’t want my kouhai overworking themselves.”
Semi walked closer as if to punctuate his argument. Righteous asshole. Shirabu could feel his eye twitch and if Semi noticed, he chose to ignore it.
“Well thanks for your concern but I’m not a child. I can look after myself.”
In retaliation Shirabu moved closer as well.
From where they were too close, too close for a space this big and empty but their pride wouldn’t let any of them take a step back. Shirabu decided to blame the heat on proximity and exertion from extra practice. Semi glared at him and in turn Shirabu glared right back.
“Why can’t you just take the fucking help given to you?!”
“Because I don’t need it, Semi-san. I know my limits painfully well, better than you surely, so you can leave me the fuck alone.”
He hadn’t even realised there was a grip on his shoulders until it loosened and Semi stared at him with something close to hurt.
Shirabu shouldn’t care, so why did the sight in front of him make his heart squeeze?
Both stood there, still unable to move away from the moment until the gym door rattled again, startling both setters.
“Uh, you know that practice ended like, an hour ago, right?”
Taichi called from outside, and suddenly Shirabu was far too aware about how close he was to Semi.
“Right…”
He pushed away and if he saw pain on the third years’ face, no he didn’t.
Shirabu had never left the gym faster.
—
When they were absolutely out of earshot, Shirabu broke out of the uncharacteristic quietness after an argument. He turned to Taichi, breaking into a rant.
“Can you believe this absolute dickhead-”
“-or do you want to give his dick, head.”
What. the. Fuck…??? He knew Taichi was joking but still.
“-he was saying- wait, wait, what the fuck?”
Shirabu completely stopped to look at his best friend.
‘Do you want to give his dick, head?’ WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? HOW DOES ONE RESPOND TO THIS?
“Uh… Am I wrong?”
Both teenagers stood there. In the middle of the pathway. Crickets were chirping. The wind moved past both of them yet they remained completely still.
Shirabu’s facial expression moved from mortification, to doubt, to questioning, to even more mortification.
“Why the actual fuck-”
But before he could finish his question, Taichi interrupted again.
“I dunno man, maybe because almost every single time we talk you complain about Semi-san and then the complaining moves to something else that isn’t quite insulting but not enough to be considered a compliment because complimenting isn’t your style. You point out something they do and laugh at it but it’s laced with such unmistakable fondness. It’s like you want to keep talking about him with how much the topic changes to him oh so coincidentally.”
It both was endearing and concerning the detail that his best friend had described him. Had he really been talking about Semi that much?
“... how did we get to this long ass speech…”
“STOP CHANGING THE TOPIC-”
“OK OK GEEZ,”
After Shirabu’s careful consideration, he came to a conclusion.
“It’s not like he’s all looks… he’s an annoyingly good person when it counts, he’s athletic, he can tell when something feels off for someone there are almost no flaws it pisses me off so bad that I can’t explain it… I think I hate him and I know he hates me too.”
Taichi looked at him with a blank expression at first then he looked like Shirabu had just declared that grass was blue.
“Sorry, what do you MEAN hate?”
“Am I speaking fucking Italian? I mean hate.” Shirabu deadpanned.
What was Taichi implying? He didn’t want to stay outside and the middle blocker was just gaping at air like a fish so Shirabu took it upon himself to leave him.
But seriously, what did Taichi mean?
—
Questioning that was the single most biggest mistake of his life. (ok maybe he was exaggerating but)
There he laid, in the bottom bunk of the cramped shared dorm, at 2:53 in the morning pondering why the hell his best friend was surprised to hear that he hated the one guy he argued with 24/7.
He tried telling himself ‘I'll think about it tomorrow…!’ but look where that took him. Absolutely nowhere. Possibly even worse off: in the state where he’s ready to pass the fuck out yet being completely unable to.
So not only was he unable to sleep but he was also unable to fathom Taichi’s thought process.
There was only one productive thing he could do and that was to take advantage of the inability to sleep and study. Much better than doing nothing, right?
He crossed the room to his organised desk and pulled out his notes.
—
Never pull all nighters. Even when you can’t fall asleep.
Shirabu was suffering again, currently running on 20 minutes of sleep and 3 cans of red bull.
Was it healthy? Absolutely not.
Was it going to affect him? Probably.
He went to the bathroom to splash water on his face in hopes of waking himself up and- holy shit he looked dead. He looked like he lived through both world wars with eyebags that were genuinely deeper than the mariana trench. Maybe he should’ve tried to suffocate himself with his pillow instead of studying all night.
Taichi walked in while yawning, looked at him and opened his mouth to speak. Unfortunately for him, Shirabu was faster.
“No, I did not sleep well, yes I do feel dead, yes I was at least productive and studied, no I will not be disclosing what I was thinking about that kept me up.”
“Wow. Really memorised my dialogue options huh?”
“You’re just predictable.”
The middle blocker looked mildly irritated before going on with his routine.
“...ok but seriously, what were you thinking of? You only sleep this terribly when something's on your mind.”
Shirabu often forgets that he’s not the only one who’s been paying attention in their friendship and that yes, Taichi also knows things about him too. Curse him and his perception skills.
Actually, would asking now solve his problems?? It would save Shirabu a lot of wondering and staying up late again.
“I was wondering, the other day how you were surprised when I said I thought I hated Semi. Why was that surprising??”
Taichi turned around slowly and looked at him with the most dead expression ever.
“Because, and excuse me for being direct, you’re so down bad for this man it is becoming a problem for me, everyone in the team and most importantly, Semi the man himself.”
“What?”
“Shirabu, be SO fucking real right now, you talk about this man like hes the only topic you’re invested in, you look at him like he’s some kind of renaissance painting, WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME.”
Was he really like that? Surely, surely he would’ve noticed if he had been doing it all this time, right? Shirabu was smarter than this. He should be smart enough to figure out his own feelings. Surely.
Taichi slammed his hands down on the counter.
“Do not fucking look at me like that I can see you questioning me.”
“Okay, okay but it literally cannot be possible, like I get that Semi-san is pretty attractive, like he has a nice face and physique, a good… personality, always… helps people… and…”
“And…?”
“Oh my god…”
The world was spinning. Shirabu wasn’t sure when he ended up crouching but he was now.
“Taichi.”
“Yes?”
“I’m an idiot.”
“I’m glad you realised.”
He hit his best friend’s shin to which Taichi yelped in response.
“What do I even do about this…? I’m so sure he hates me with how I’ve been acting, what the fuck do I do, Taichi, help me.”
There is no way I've been this stupid this whole time. I cannot be this stupid.
The said man let out a jumble of noises and threw his hands up followed by a string of curses and a very vague “Hopeless. Hopeless I say.”
“Ah yes, how helpful. Thank you for the life-changing advice, Taichi."
“All I’m gonna say is, if I thought you didn’t have a chance I would’ve never mentioned how you truly feel about him.”
And with that Taichi left the bathroom, leaving Shirabu alone with his thoughts again.
—
After the revelation, nothing had felt right. Shirabu couldn’t think properly, let alone pay attention to anything happening in class. It all just felt so groggy. Like everything was weighing more than it did normally. Whenever he tried to think of anything, all that came up was the morning interaction.
“Because, and excuse me for being direct, you’re so down bad for this man it is becoming a problem for me, everyone in the team and most importantly, Semi the man himself.”
How was it possible for someone to be so emotionally stunted that they can’t tell the difference between love and hate? Apparently to Shirabu it was light work.
He liked Semi.
He loved Semi.
If love was this insanely strong feeling then how could he have missed it?
The thought made his head spin a little bit more. What the genuine fuck was up with today?
He wandered through most of the day without experiencing it. He was so out of it for no reason whatsoever. His head hurt, closing his eyes burnt, it was cold and hot at the same time, which were normal symptoms for sickness but nothing happened? There was no reason for him to be sick, yet here he was. Fuck.
He was zoning out so bad he just barely heard the teacher calling on him in the previous lesson. (he even got the answer wrong, genuinely what the fuck.)
During the break, Taichi wandered over as Shirabu’s head hit the desk and groaned.
“I feel like shiiiiiiit.”
“You look like shit too.”
Shirabu looked up just to glare at the asshole.
“Shut the fuck up Taichi, you look like a rat made a home in your hair and that’s daily.” he sniffled pathetically.
“Yeah yeah, insult me when you don’t sound like you’re constantly on the brink of death.”
“Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh I blame this on you.”
“Not my fault you refuse to sleep properly. Now even your immune system is begging for it.”
It wasn’t his fault that his immune system was a petty little bitch. That was his immune systems fault.
A coughing fit interrupted Shirabu’s next retort much to his own annoyance. Today was going to be fucking horrible. He thought briefly before poking at his food in an attempt to make it look appetizing.
—
“HEADS, HEADS-”
The warning did absolutely nothing to bring Shirabu back down from zoning out which also resulted in him getting hit in the head by a serve during free serving. Fuck his life. He wasn’t even mad about the serve because his headache just got insanely worse. What did he do in his past life?? Was this his punishment???
“Hey Shira-shira, you good?”
Tendou had materialised behind him and nothing in Shirabu’s life would ever prepare him for the jumpscare it would be.
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT- Tendou-san, respectfully, what the fuck.”
“Oh wow you’re really out of it! Are you sick?”
Thinking about it, yeah he probably was. He felt like Zuko after doing one good thing except Shirabu hadn’t done anything right and just realised his big, fat, crush on Semi fucking Eita.
“Yeah. Probably.”
“So you realised your feelings for Semi-semi then!”
WHAT THE FUCK.
Tendou was truly a master at reading people, everyone knew that but this? This was fucking psychic abilities. It should not have been possible to tell from just being sick yet here they were, Tendou staring at him, taking silence at his victory.
“So you did.”
“How the fuck could you tell that from me being sick…?”
“Intuition! Plus the entire team knew before you knew so it was only a matter of time.”
That… was somehow not the most surprising thing from today from how Taichi was talking about it.
“But! You’re still sick! So what are you doing here?”
“Practice-”
“Don’t start Shira-shira you have today and tomorrow off. Take care of yourself, don’t die, take medicine, get rest, bye bye!!”
And with that, Tendou kicked him out of the gym, locking the door behind him.
What the Fuck.
—
“Taichi the headache got worse. I’m dying. I can feel it.”
His best friend took back the thermometer.
“You’re not dying, you just have a cold. Or a fever. I dunno you’re the medical guy”
Cough cough cough cough
“A cold doesn’t explain how I can feel my life force fading.”
“Why are you always so dramatic when you’re sick?? I need to be paid to deal with this shit…”
Shirabu could hear Taichi’s footsteps, rummaging and opening of drawers before he sighed, meaning he didn’t find whatever he was looking for.
“Aaand we happen to be out of medicine.” He clicked his tongue once
“Okay, got it. It was nice knowing you and everyone on the team-”
“Oh my god-”
“Tell everyone they weren’t as sucky as I made them out to be and tell Semi-san I love him.”
The middle blocker was doing something, whatever it was Shirabu wasn’t bothered enough to tell.
“I’m heading out to get stuff, try to not die while I’m gone.”
The door opened, then closed. The room was completely silent except for a soft, steady tick of the clock on the wall that came with every dorm. That's when Shirabu realised something vital. Taichi didn't just leave him. He left him with absolutely nothing to stop boredom.
What was there even to do? Cry?
Good option but Taichi would have a field day when he came back from whatever he was doing in the outside world.
Attempting to stand was actually a proper form of suicide right now. He wouldn’t even try it.
His phone was on his desk which was 2 steps away. 2 fucking steps.
The literal definition of so close, yet so far. But maybe if he reached far enough his arm could cover the distance…
Shirabu dragged himself to the edge of this bed and extended his arm, feeling around for the feeling of a solid, wood desk. He was very aware of how stupid this would probably look from the door but the boredom won over the shame.
The back of his hand hit a solid surface indicating where his desk was. The navigation was hard in the pitch black room, relying purely on touch. Did he put it a little more to the left…? Shirabu felt the corner of his damned phone and in the process of trying to get it, he pushed the fucker away.
After almost giving up, Shirabu tried again, reaching further in the same direction he heard it move away to, just a little further…
The door swung open, breaking his concentration which ultimately led him to fall flat on his face.
“Shirabu- oh shit, are you good…?”
He let out some sort of muffled sound that was somewhere between a groan and a cry.
Using the very reserves of his strength he pulled himself back onto the bed. Shirabu’s face hurt, but! Taichi was back.
“No, I still feel like shit, thanks for asking.”
The light from the hallway made Taichi a shadow, he did look a little bit different and shorter??? Oh god he really was sick. He was seeing things now.
“Took you long enough, asshole.”
“I didn’t even take that long? What could you have possibly done in the 10 minutes it took for me to get here?”
“I could’ve died.”
“Died??”
“Absolutely”
Taichi closed the door with a sigh, leaving the room almost dark again, only the moon peeking out slightly from the curtains as a light.
“Well, I got medicine and- wait have you eaten anything? Because I have food for that just in case.”
Wow. Whatever happened to Taichi outside that made him this nice was unexpected but most certainly not unwelcomed.
“I am starved and in desperate need of consumption.”
“Right, right.”
He was handed a warm bowl of soup. Shirabu couldn’t taste it but it was probably good.
“Thanks.”
The other silhouette nodded slightly before adding;
“All good.”
They just sat in silence while Shirabu ate his soup. It was oddly nice. Taichi was oddly nice. It was weird.
“Why are you so nice now?”
“What-?”
“I dunno… you’d usually have poked at my terrible state at least 3 times by now.”
“Uh… sympathy…?”
Oh. That did make sense to Shirabu’s sickness muddled brain. Taichi was an ass but not an unreasonable one.
“How did you get sick anyways? You didn’t do anything right?”
“Well I didn’t. Except the all-nighter. Might’ve been that. Oh, but Tendou-san said something like ‘oh you realised you were gay as fuck for your senior huh.”
Taichi sputtered for a second before asking; “He said that?”
“Not in that exact wording obviously. Just shoving in my face again that ‘You like Semi-san and you are literally the last person to find out.’ ”
He imitated Tendou with terrible accuracy.
The coughing sound did not come from Shirabu for once.
“Dude, you good?”
“Yep… just… keep going.”
“I dunno how I didn’t even realise bro like. The face card he holds is actually lethal. Genuinely could be sent to federal prison for that. But he’s actually nice too?? What kind of insane combo is that?? Genuinely, how many people got nerfed for the sake of someone like him to exist. I feel like an idiot.”
“Wow… down bad.”
“I knowwwww stop reminding me. But am I wrong? Like, this guy is actually so insanely maxxed out in almost every field it’s unreal. How does one manage to pull someone like that?! I don’t think it’s possible. I dunno, I like him a lot, so I don’t wanna fuck things up. But how do I do that?”
Cough cough. Cough cough cough.
“Maybe have more faith in yourself…?”
“Be real. The only thing I have going for me are my grades and you don’t seduce anyone by reciting the quadratic formula.”
Taichi cackled out loud. Wow, maybe Shirabu was funny too.
It didn’t change his current predicament. Semi probably hated him. There was absolutely nothing helping his case of feelings. At least Taichi wouldn’t be a bitch about it right now. He could rant all he wanted.
“And also get this…”
“Mhmm…“
Shirabu talked the most he had in a long, long time. About a lot of things. School, volleyball but mostly Semi. He fell asleep without noticing.
—
The sickness had come and gone along with the initial shock of his own feelings. It was now just him and his resignation that yes, he was in love.
But before going back to pathetically pining, he had to thank Taichi in some way.
He poked his head over the top bunk’s railing where his best friend was currently doomscrolling and actively procrastinating the science homework that was due in two days.
“Hey asshole.”
Taichi put his phone down to look at him.
“What.”
Shirabu balanced a ramune bottle on his forehead and went back down to his own bunk.
“Enjoy it while it lasts.”
‘Thanks for watching over my sick ass,’ was what went unsaid. It wasn’t anything that needed to be acknowledged out loud between them. They already knew.
Shirabu wasn’t really listening that hard but he heard a mumbled “thanks” from above him.
—
“Hey, Shirabu!”
Semi jogged over to where Shirabu was drinking water in peace during a break in practice.
Shit, shit, shit why is he here did I somehow manage to fuck something up while doing nothing?
“Do you need something, Semi-san?”
Yessss, exactly like that. BE NONCHALANT.
“I was just wondering if you’d fully recovered from being sick.”
“I’m fine, thanks though. Taichi put up with my sickness for once so that was nice.”
The third year did a double take, looking insanely confused.
“Taichi took care of you…?”
Why was he confused? It was perfectly normal since they shared a dorm.
“Yes? Is that a surprise?”
“Um…! No! That’s- That’s fine! That’s cool! Yeah… cool…”
“Ok…?”
Semi walked off stiffly which was weird. Shirabu swore he saw pain, sadness but the question was why? He needed answers from him.
So obviously he tried approaching him like a normal person.
“Hey, Semi-san-”
In the same unfortunate second he was called over by Tendou to do some other shit. Knowing Tendou, it could range from getting something to conspiring a country's downfall.
That was ok. Maybe he just wasn’t heard? This was always a likely possibility. Shirabu could try again.
After free serving, he went up to Semi again. This time, speaking up more.
“Semi-san, can I ask--”
The said man looked straight into the distance and walked away like a man on a mission.
Huh?
There was no way in fucking hell Semi didn’t hear him. With the distance and volume Shirabu projected, Semi should’ve been able to hear him perfectly fine. This cannot be a coincidence. Semi was avoiding Shirabu.
Well, surely a situation would force them to talk to each other? They’re on the same team and same position so surely, SURELY-
Some days, Washijo has the team interact as if they were all small children who didn’t know what communication was. “We might not be based on a bond like some other teams but a small amount of communication is necessary for working well,” or something like that.
Today was not one of those days.
They did not go near each other once, and anytime that they did, the third year somehow always conveniently had something to do. In other words, he was being avoided in the way oil avoids water, the same way atoms refuse to touch no matter what. So for the entirety of practice, they didn’t interact once.
What the fuck?? Did he just mess up his chances further??
He looked across the room (because Semi had also very conveniently placed his things in the farthest possible place from Shirabu) to see the ash-blond leaving and knew that it was going to be another long night thinking about what the fuck happened. God, his sleep schedule was so fucked.
—
So here Shirabu was once more, walking back to the dorms with Taichi and doing the thing he does best, complaining.
“He’s definitely avoiding me, I fucked something up for sure.”
“I mean like… how sure are you…? I mean like, it could be a misunderstanding-”
“Taichi, I called out to him when I was right in front of me and he looked into the distance while walking past, is that a misunderstanding?”
His best friend winced slightly.
“Maybe he really didn’t hear you…?”
Shirabu looked at Taichi with full deadpan and he already got what he meant. Semi-san was undoubtedly and certainly ignoring him.
“I dunno, it just doesn’t make sense at all.”
“Why?”
“I mean… didn’t anything happen when you were sick and he was taking care of you?”
3 heavy seconds passed.
“What?”
“What? What do you mean ‘what’? Things actually happened right?”
Dear god, why was Shirabu an idiot?
“Things happened…”
“WHAT KIND OF THINGS GODDAMIT, DO I LOOK LIKE I’M OK WITH JUST KNOWING ‘oh yeah they did something’??”
“I kinda… told him that he was hot and had a good personality…?”
“And he ignored you after that?! What the fuck-”
“Except uh…”
Taichi groaned and slapped his face with both hands like someone who stresses out over this professionally.
“Shirabu Kenjiro, just fucking tell me already.”
“I didn’t know it was him taking care of me??”
5 heavy seconds passed.
Both second years looked at each other in an unbreakable moment.
Taichi spoke first.
“You’re fucking with me right…? You didn’t seriously think that anyone else aside from third year setter Semi Eita was dealing with your sickness?”
The middle blocker huffed a humorless laugh.
“Right?”
More seconds passed.
At the lack of response Taichi’s smile completely dropped.
“Oh my god, Shirabu, you’re kidding.”
“I literally just said I wasn’t.”
“Oh my god. I’M 9 CENTIMETERS TALLER THAN HIM HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP.”
Taichi gently, gently grabbed Shirabu’s shoulders and the air changed completely. Shirabu feared for his fucking life. The lack of snark, sarcasm or yelling was absolutely terrifying.
“You, Shirabu Kenjiro, are going to up to Semi Eita, admit where you went wrong, apologise like your life depends on it because believe me, it does, you are going to say “I meant whatever shit I said when I was sick and delirious,” and you are going to make. Shit. Right.”
“Sir, yes sir.”
“Now fucking run dude so you can catch him.”
It didn't really take much more for Shirabu to start sprinting.
—
“SEMI-SAN.”
He finds him already on his way back to his own dorm with Tendou and Ushijima. Tendou takes one look at the situation, whispers something that Shirabu isn’t close enough to hear to Ushijima and then they continue walking without Semi, obviously not before Tendou gives him a slight thumbs up. Damned telepathy.
Once Shirabu has caught up to where Semi stopped he doesn’t give any time for questions.
“When I was sick, that was you taking care of me, right?”
As he says that, an intense look of panic washes over Semi. He knows he can’t pretend to ignore the undeniable. Instead, he looks for escape, glancing around frantically, trying to see where he could run.
Shirabu can’t let that happen.
Without thinking, he reaches out and grabs one of the seniors' hands, keeping him here.
Semi’s hand is warm, finger tips calloused from volleyball and guitar.
Don’t leave. (ikanaide)
Don’t go anywhere. (doko mo ikanaide)
“So what if it was me…?”
“Then…”
He walks a step closer, clasping both of Semi’s hands in his own.
“...Can I mean what I said when I was sick and delirious?”
Shirabu stares into his brown eyes.
Semi stares back.
The look is so intense that Shirabu briefly considers looking away to make sure he doesn’t get lost in them. The thought is quickly pushed away because he would much rather be lost in those brown eyes than anywhere else.
For a moment neither of them says anything, just processing what happened.
Shirabu is ready to let go of Semi’s hand, to run away and never show up again out of shame, but something is stopping him and it’s Semi because of course it is.
The third year walks a step closer and soon Shirabu feels a solid weight on his head.
“Even when you said ‘The face card he holds is actually lethal. Genuinely could be sent to federal prison for that’?” Semi asks hesitantly, slightly muffled by Shirabu’s hair.
Shirabu cringes at the memory but nods anyway.
“Everything that I said.”
Semi sighs in relief. Like a breath that he’s been holding for far too long now. He breaks out of Shirabu’s grip to properly pull him into a hug.
“I’ve been waiting for you to mean those words for way too long now. Even just for you to think of them,"he admits under his breath.
“Yeah… I think I have too. I can’t change how long it took, but I’m here now if you’ll have me…?”
The reply was immediate.
“You’re insane if you think I won’t.”