Chapter Text
SHANE’S POV
~.~.~.~
Shane Hollander always felt unprepared for the future. The thought of tomorrow while living today felt strange, so strange. The thought of having to wait for tomorrow felt like the taste of bitterness after the sweetness in a chocolate bar. Sometimes it was just reassuring, the future, because it meant that if today something didn’t happen, there was still a chance it might someday, perhaps.
The future was simply a confusing topic for Shane, but when it came to his husband, Ilya Rozanov, then it was the most natural and exciting thing he could ever dream of. A future, a tomorrow, with the person he loved most. The thought that it didn’t end there, just after 24 hours, but it could continue, sure for a limited time, but it could continue.
It was scary, so fucking scary—deeply scary.
Scary of how just one person could change every single aspect of his ‘normality’.
Scary of how beautiful that was.
Scary of how much he loved Ilya, and would have given his life for him.
“Shane?”
Ilya was the air that he breathed. His husband, soulmate and forever person.
A career without that stupid rivalry that led to finding actual, deep love? Useless.
A morning without waking up next to his beautiful golden curls? Unreasonable.
A night without his beautiful asshole teasing him until both of their bodies met? Unreal.
A life without Ilya? Unthinkable.
That showed something, right?
That showed his love for the beautiful russian man—asshole—that was his past, present and future.
Then why should there be more? More than what they are giving each other.
“Shane.”
Hiding their love from the outside made them incapable of showing each other that love in private, as Ilya often pointed out. But now it was better, after their wedding, it was much better.
Yeah, sure, you can’t make up years and years of hiding just in a couple of them. But it was worth it and getting better day by day.
So what is this? This feeling of having to give more.
Shane knew how much Ilya had given up for them. Not that Shane didn’t. But it didn’t feel as half as much of what his husband did.
Was he too hard on himself? Was it fair?
Fuck.
Shane didn’t know. Why didn’t he know?
He usually does know what to think or how to act, thanks to the various plans made by overthinking the same night, but this?
This was so new. So fucking new.
“Shane!” a feminine voice yelled, breaking the conversation he was having with himself.
Fuck. Mom. Lunch. Wake up.
“Sorry. Just thinking” he said, meeting her eyes.
His mother’s eyes were beautiful, vividly reflecting her emotions. She was worried—he could tell. She knew something was off. She knew he was battling himself, she didn’t know over what.
“Is it about the surrogacy process ?” she guessed meeting his gaze.
Bingo.
The surrogacy process had started in August of 2022, it was now July of 2023. Yes, it was just a year and theoretically speaking, surrogacy takes at best two years. That was not the problem, though. The problem was that they had not been able to find a surrogate, as they should have by now. No one, not a single soul. They had interviews, but nothing. They couldn’t have that ‘click’ with any of them. None of them seemed to have formed a connection with either: Ilya or Shane. Strange. But it's true.
Why is that related to ‘feeling I could be giving more’? They could have a baby right now if it weren’t for him. Shit, maybe,they could have a baby. He was afraid of pregnancy, mostly due to his body dysmorphia—which he didn’t believe he had until a deeper conversation with his therapist—and sensory issues, due to his autism, diagnosed in December.
Well, fairly there was much more. But he couldn’t think about it . Not at that moment.
Though after his last therapy session something had changed in him, which was strange for Shane.
He realized he actually wanted a baby. Not just for Ilya—no—he wanted to be a father. Hockey wasn’t his priority anymore, he wanted more. More with Ilya, and for him. He actually wasn’t about to do this just to give;but for himself too.
“Mom, I don’t think I want to proceed with the surrogacy thing” he said, lowering his voice, his eyes now fixed on his hands.
“Oh,” she started, with a confused tone, still looking at him.
“I thought you wanted a baby,right?”
“Mom,” he stated,eyes now closed and his legs tapping aggressively on the floor.
“Mom, I- I have been seeing a therapist. And by talking to this therapist, I've found out many things about myself I didn't know..”
His mom's eyes were unreadable by the time he spitted out that mouthful sentence. But he could sense that tension; a mixture of concern and confusion written on her body.
Her hands were tapping slowly on the table, mouth closed as she tried to find the best words and eyes now fixed on the same table.
Before she could even open her mouth, Shane took her hands in his and finally had the strength to look at her.
“Look, the point is that thanks to these therapy sessions, I’ve come to the conclusion that it will be best for me—And Ilya—to try for a pregnancy”
A sudden gasp escaped from her mouth. Her hands stopped bothering the table and her eyes now were–perfectly–meating him. She was shocked, not totally shocked, more like shock mixed with happiness and sweetness.
“Are you sure, Hon? Ilya knows?”
Ilya?
Shit.
Ilya.
Ilya had been gone for almost a week and he was not coming back for another two days. Usually it was strange to be apart now that they— actually—worked together but Svetlana needed help moving and Rose was out of town.
He knew Ilya, he was going to be so happy with Shane's decision. But he was so anxious.
“No...Ilya…Not yet”
His hands slipped away immediately after that sentence. He couldn’t look anymore, he simply couldn’t. His eyes understood the assignment a while later, but the damage was already done. His eyes were fully tearing up now.
“Oh. Honey, look at me.”
He couldn’t look.
Don’t look.
Look.
“Shane” she called out again, hands now touching her son’s face in order to look in his eyes.
In the end Yuna finally won and was able to get Shane to look at her eyes.
“No matter what, your dad and I will support both of you unconditionally. And I am sure Ilya will be so happy with your decision, that man is made to be a father.”
Yes, Ilya was made to be a dad. Shane admired him for that because even if he came from a fucked up place—due to his father behaviour—that didn’t stop that man to have so much love to give. So much that he would give the best childhood to another little person. He was so fucking special, it made his earth swell with love for his husband.
“Now let’s go back to square one. You have been seeing a therapist…”
A small giggle escaped Shane’s mouth.
He was beyond lucky. And he knew.
– – –
ILYA’S POV
Ilya couldn't remember a life before Shane. He couldn't even imagine a life before Shane, which was beyond mad sometimes. But there was one. There was one before Shane, unfortunately. The only two people he could remember from his past life were: his mama and his brother.
Irina Rozanova was the most beautiful woman in the world in Ilya’s eyes. Her teal tainted eyes and golden curls were the most vivid memory that Ilya had. Her entire face? It was a strange enigma that Ilya couldn’t solve if there was no picture in front of him. He had a few, thanks to Svetlana—who kindly took them for him the last time she went to Moscow.
Another memory of his mother?
Her sadness.
She was beautiful, yes, but so sad.
He could remember her teal tinted eyes full of the tears,the night before she had passed. She cried all day and was putting him to sleep when he had finally noticed, he asked what was wrong—of course.
“Илюша, пожалуйста, никогда не забывай свою маму. А теперь спи крепко, мой прекрасный мальчик. Мама тебя очень любит.”
These were the last word he could recall, before that morning.
The morning that his life changed forever.
The morning when he had to call 911 because—Mama— was so cold she wouldn’t move.
The morning when the lady speaking with him on the phone had to console him and tried to reassure that Mama was going to be okay.
The morning when he saw some many paramedics running inside of her room trying to save her.
The same morning when, after a ride in the Ambulance and waiting forever in the hospital waiting room, he saw his father's face crumble talking to the doctors.
Then his brother fell down screaming and pleading for the doctors to tell him this was just a joke.
“Только не моя мама, пожалуйста. Это не может быть моя мама!”
Alexei Rozanov was the most complicated relationship that Ilya had. Alexei has hated him since the first time—Ilya—could recall or had a memory.
Well, no. Not quite at least.
There were times when he didn’t.
Times when they would both wake up in Irina’s arms and smile at each other.
There were times where they would console their mother. Especially when his father used to hit her.
There were times when he would defend Ilya, taking the responsibility for some of his actions. And then he would get disciplined for that after.
He was envious. Ilya knew.
Envious because he was not their father's perfect creation; destined to be a successful hockey player.
No. He loved soccer, but Russia was icy for a lot of reasons. And soccer wasn’t one of them.
So, yes, early on there was envy but love. Unconditional brotherly love.
But after Irina’s death, it went downhill. Alexei couldn’t look at him the same, not with that love.
Alexei was often on drugs or drunk. He stopped dreaming with the ball and was obligated by their father to join the military. Ilya on the other hand went out of the country and started getting noticed in Canada.
It was unfair. He is aware.
But it was not his fault.
“Может, это тебе следовало умереть, а не маме. Я была бы счастливее и свободнее. Ты — моя тюрьма, Илья. Моя личная тюрьма…”
Fuck. Maybe he was right. Maybe he should have died and let his brother be free.
But no matter what—especially no matter how much hate—Ilya will always love Alexei.
Alexei will always be the closest thing to Irina. So he was relieved. Relieved that there was still someone, even from afar, that could connect him with her.
And his brother had given him another person so close to his own mother; his niece.
Valeria Nika Rozanova. He could remember that she was so much like Irina, it hurted at times.
While he was thinking about all of this a sudden sound scared the shit out of him.
Then he connected with reality again.
Car, getting home and Shane.
The sudden sound—that almost made Shane a widower—was his phone ringing. Well, to be more specific, it was his car ringing since his phone had connected with the bluetooth.
INCOMING CALL FROM: JANE ❤️
He swallowed hard trying to forget everything and then answered as quickly as he could.
“Moya lyubov?”
“Hey. Are you coming home?”
“Yes. Five minutes and I'll be home. You okay?”
“Yeah. Uhm- yes i am okay.”
Okay, strange. Why did he stutter? Yes, stuttered a lot but not with Ilya—well— at least not with basic questions if he wasn’t anxious.
“You sure? Shane it’s something wrong?” Ilya asked kindly.
“Nothing, really everything is fine. See you in five?”
“I guess..”
After that brief conversation Shane had disconnected the call immediately before Ilya could have said something. Yes, there was something wrong. Something had been bothering his husband and —Ilya— was determined to get to the bottom of this.
Almost five minutes later he was, already, parking his car inside of their house. Opening the front door he felt that warmth, the warmth of home. The smell of chinese takeout hung in the air—great Shane had been eating almost properly.
“Shane?” he called out, not sighting his husband anywhere between the kitchen and the living room.
“Here!” he heard the voice coming from upstairs, their room.
Ilya’ smile widened hearing his husband's voice but still deep concern boiled in him due to the phone call. Okay, Shane was the most anxious person on the face of the universe but this time it sounded different. More serious. More important.
After hopping on the stairs he finally was upstairs.
Shane was in their room. He was sitting on their bed, looking down at the floor.
“Shane?”
“Hey”
He looked off, completely out of reality. He needed to let something out of his chest but Ilya didn’t want to pressure him, not yet. He slipped besides him, making a strange noise sitting down: his ribs, fuck, they were so fucking bruised.
“What?” Shane asked slowly, getting back to reality after hearing that awful sound Ilya just had made.
“Ribs. Bruised as fuck”
Shane looked at him. Fuck, those eyes. Those fucking beautiful eyes, that made him fall the first time. He was looking at him worried like—Ilya— was about to die any second.
“Take some Ibuprofen. Or…Or let me text Terry and ask for help-”
“Do you need to tell me something?” he asked, avoiding his husband's affirmation and cutting him out.
Ilya’s accent was thick in that moment. Fucking long day. New York was beautiful, yes, but he missed Ottawa. Plus his husband was desperately trying or needing to tell him something, but what? What was bugging him?
Shit. Sometimes Ilya wished he could leave in Shane’s brain and help him more. He knew communication was difficult for him and would have done anything to help him more.
“Ilya…We should stop-” he stopped, looking at Ilya.
“Stop what?”
“The surrogacy.”
Ilya froze. Stop? After getting far enough? Sure it wasn’t going well but it was moving, whether it was slow or fast. Why wouldn’t he want this? They had almost a three hour conversation before deciding to start, a year ago, and now nothing. He thought Shane was ready, he promised he was.
Maybe it was just his fault.
Maybe Shane felt….trapped?
Did he trapped his husband? Oh, fuck, he was the worst partner ever.
Ilya looked away, his mouth closed in a strange scrunch and his hand flew right above his head. He was messing with his curls, then he felt a hand on his cheek. The same hand guided him into look at his husband.
“Ilya. I would like for us, if you are ready and willing, to start trying for a pregnancy.”
Oh?
Oh.
“As in you…You would carry our baby?”
“As in I would carry our baby.
His husband. Carrying their baby. Shane pregnant.
Shane pregnant.
Shit…
Shit!
Ilya’s mouth widened in the biggest smile and his eyes began to go teary. He, basically, jumped all his weight onto Shane, giving him the best hug while kissing his all face. At this gesture finally Shane was able to breathe fully again and begin to giggle a little—Ilya loved it.
“Thank you” Ilya repeated an infinite amount of time, while still appreciating and kissing his husband basically everywhere.
“I am not doing this for you. For us, Ilya” Shane reminded, still fully enjoying and giggling at his husband's reaction.
They were—almost unfortunately—stopped by a loud bark. It was Anya, his firstborn.
Ilya loved that dog like it was actually his own child. She had saved him when everything was falling apart, and he couldn’t be more thankful.
“Hey Malyshka! Sorry I didn’t greet you right away” he said while pulling away from Shane and finally facing Anya.
She was a really smart dog and seeing Ilya’s eyes still full of tears confused her. She gave him a confused look and started to cry too, she must have felt bad.
“Oh no, everything is fine Yaya” he said while getting closer to her. He started to pet her in her favorite spot, under her ears.
“Your papa is fine. We are just really happy.” Shane added happily in sight of the scene.
Ilya was the luckiest guy on the planet and he knew.
“Now I'll call Terry and you will drink that good melatonin chamomile. You need to rest.” Shane said while walking towards his phone.
“Alright! Alright! I’ll let you take care of me, Hollander” the blonde one responded almost immediately with a little laugh.
Fuck. Ilya loved him so much. He never thought this moment was going to come. Probably he never thought he deserved that love but with Shane, fuck, he felt like he did.
Happiness wasn’t just a momentary state of pleasure, but with its low, it was normality. Thanks to the kindest, most handsome, most complicated and most caring human on heart: Mister Shane Hollander.
Ilya was happy. And he knew.
~•~•~•
SHANE’s POV
After he finally got to tell Ilya Shane was relieved,well for about six hours or so because now it came the theorical part and after the practical—which Shane was looking forward to the most for various reasons.
He was lying in bed next to his husband who passed out immediately after taking the chamomile—with melatonin—which was good enough knowing it took Shane almost half an hour to convince him. Half an hour spent trying to find the ibuprofen gel—raccomended by Terry—hidden somehow in the bathroom cabinet so far he couldn’t see it—and yelling a that russian sexy asshole to try that fucking thing.
It was almost 3AM and Shane couldn’t close his eyes even if he wanted to. The emotions were still over the place and his thoughts were louder each minute. So,eventually, he decided to scroll on Reddit for a brief consultation on conceiving and pregnancy. How did it end? It ended with him buying from Amazon two packs of ovulation tests, to know exactly what to and how to do it. Fuck— he needed to talk with someone because there were just so many thoughts in his head and needed to let them out. He didn’t want to wake Ilya, mostly due to the fact he was so dead asleep and he felt bad even by moving so much—among that he was so fucking hot. He was laying on his stomach, his dark blonde curls showing off and face shaped like the most beautiful angel.
Then a text. Rose. Fucking perfect.
Rose
Hey why are you up??
Shane
How do you know that i am up…..
Rose
Insta. Last access. Plus, may I say, this pfp freaks me out
Shane
What? It’s my husband with our dog…..
Rose
IT FEELS LIKE I AM TALKING TO ILYAAAAA
Rose
AND YOU KNOW AM STILL A LITTLE EMBARRASSED TALKING TO HIM
Shane
I already told you. It’s stupid that you are embarrassed.
He doesn’t bite
Rose
WHATEVERRRRR
Rose
It’s 3AM in Canada and you are up…
Shane
Well, it’s 3AM for you too Miss Landry
Rose
I’ve already told you fifty times. Japan.
Shane
Playing with you.
Rose
Haha.
Rose
How was the moving? Did Ilya tell you anything?
Shane
No. We talked about other stuff
Rose
Oh?
Rose
Is this why you are up?
Rose
Was it a big convo?
Shane
Can you call?
Rose
Yes. Wait a minute
In the spare of that minute—which were actually five to be more specific— Shane carefully slipped away out of bed. His husband didn’t seem to notice, he just changed position and stayed asleep. Shane decided that the best room for that conversation was their dog’s room—yes, their dog had all the room to herself. Unnecessarily. But Ilya insisted.
Anya was dead asleep in her bed, she was such a great dog. Didn’t bark a lot, so she didn’t mind him much.
Then his phone rang.
You can do it Shane. You can do it.
He carefully answered the phone.
“Hey” a feminine voice said on the other side of the line.
“Hi”
“So ready to talk about it?” she asked nicely, voice warm and steady.
“Me and Ilya will try for a pregnancy” he replied anxiously, the sentence slipping out like it was escaping his throat.
Then silence. Awful, loud silence.
Fuck.
Why didn't she talk anymore? Was it bad that he wanted this?
“Oh my god. I am actually so happy for you two, Shane!” he heard after that confusing moment of silence.
Thank you, Jesus.
“Are you mad? Disappointed, maybe. But are you?”
“No—No, what? Why would I be mad or dissapointed?”
“I don’t know. You stayed—I don’t know.”
“I stayed in silence because it’s a really happy thing and I wanted to find the best words to express myself. What’s been on your mind though? This is happy news, right?”
“I am afraid of miscarrying…Again…”
The real reason why they chose a surrogate, why they stopped even thinking about it and why he was so scared was: miscarrying…again.
The first miscarriage happened back in 2010, they were young and honestly wouldn’t be able to care for a baby. It was still so rough, rough knowing that your body had to do this.
The second time was back in March 2021, things were different then—surely they were—but still, so rough.
Two miscarriages were the real reason why Shane was so afraid of his body.
Two miscarriages were the real reason why he wanted to do this again. Because he couldn’t give up.
He could do it. He could have carried that baby, full term. Until she or he was ready to be welcomed in this world. He didn’t care about how much it was going to take.
He was determined to have child.
He was determined to have Ilya’s child.
“Oh, Shane. It’s okay. That happened a bunch of time ago, when your body was under so much stress. You are much more healthy now, you can do it. Even if takes years, you can do it” she said, tone serious but sweet.
She sounds sure of what she was saying. She believed in him.
Oh, that was actually pretty nice.
“But it could happen again. If my body—if my body decides to shut down again. What…What if my body shuts down again?” he replied, his voice was trembling and that must have woken Anya who looked at him confused.
“I can promise you I will help you through it. But now Shane…you're trying for a baby! That is super exciting”
Well, it was. It was super exciting.
He was glad though, that someone finally told him that maybe being in a new place in life will help him. The conversation continued for about half an hour.
They talked about everything: ovulation test, searching for a midwife, getting pregnant, the baby and the aftermath.
“Shane, I got to go now. But update me. Seriously. Bye, Love you!” Rose said, while waiting for his answer—later on.
“Love you too. Be safe in Japan” he replied before the call disconnected.
Alone.
Again.
Better.
When he returned to the bedroom, Ilya was not there anymore. He was not lying on his side of the bed, he must have woken.
“Where were you?” his husband's voice said, walking out of their bathroom—which was attached to their master bedroom—then carefully stopping on the door frame.
“Ilya”
“Shane?”
“We are going to make it, right?”
“Yes. We are”
“Ilya?”
“Shane”
“I’ve never told you how sorry I am for losing them” he whispered, looking at his hand as his whole body met the bed.
They could have been eleven and two.
A preteen and a baby, Shane and Ilya’s.
Shane and Ilya’s.
Something changed in Ilya at that moment, he gasped and furiously walked towards the bed. He took both of Shane's hands in his, he then proceeded to pull him closer into a hug.
“Never say that again. You didn’t do anything, it’s not your fault” he stated gently, still wrapped in that firm hug.
Shane quickly pulled him closer and gently started to tear up. He really loved Ilya, even simple words from that man opened a whole new world.
“Plus…” Shane added, causing Ilya to pull away briefly so he could look at him.
“I spent almost forty bucks for ovulation tests on Amazon”
“I don’t know what that is but you will explain in the morning, okay? Now we get some sleep” he replied calmly, turning back into Shane's soft embrace.
“Okay. Sleep…I love you, Ilya”
“I love you too”