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Dan Heng knows he's asleep.
He has been here many times before, and he's certain a part of him will always come back to this place, this wreckage that forever changed him. A biting, unforgiving current whistles around the Kephale-forsaken ruin, and the only mockery of warm sunlight comes from what he knows are the burning remains of the train car. The air is thick with smoke and a sickly metallic scent he wishes he could forget. Looking around only intensifies his head ache, vision blurred and ears buzzing. He's miserably aware that the nightmare won't end, even if he tried to just sit and wait. He can't not move. Not when he knows Caelus is somewhere among the debris.
Still in a stupor, he stands up, tries to clear his eyes from the blood that coats his forehead, and calls out.
He rarely used to speak the Trailblazer's name; he realized this after the third or fourth time the nightmare assaulted him. It was always Caelus; bright, piercing Caelus, the one calling out his name. He said it casually and eagerly, like he just enjoyed the sound of it, with a sing song voice and mischievous eyes that betrayed his stoic expression. He said it with fondness and wonder, when it was just the two of them in the archives room and he just wouldn't stop asking questions, like Dan Heng was part of the Genius Society and Caelus could get the secrets of the universe out of him. He tried to pronounce it in between wheezes, recalling an anecdote so absurd Dan Heng was almost certain it was made up, except it wasn't, because Caelus was just the type of person who seemed to attract strange people and surreal adventures. Sometimes, Dan Heng felt like he was just one of many celestial bodies that were inevitably drawn to Caelus' orbit, an invisible pull that seemed as natural as the tides of Scalegorge Waterscape. He let his guard down. It was such a new feeling, so distinct from the ever present urge to hide and flee, that he realized far too late he was already in the periapsis. The nearest point of orbit, as close as they could ever be. After that, it was inevitable to keep coming back to each other.
Now, the name sounds foreign on his lips. After many times of speaking it, and knowing first hand what happens next, it almost feels like a curse. Dan Heng's throat is burning from the ash and perhaps the fact he's been screaming non stop. Understanding what he will find, the fact it always plays out with the same vivid details down to the last rock and broken turbine, does not stop him from trying to challenge fate and bargain for a different ending.
He turns the corner of a stone pillar, broken in half by the impact of the car, and that's when he finds him. Just as fractured is the body in front of him. Caelus' arm is twisted in an unnatural angle, his head turned to the side, and as Dan Heng falls to his knees next to him, he tries for a pulse, or a breath, anything. Even as his companion's eyes stare vacantly at somewhere Dan Heng can't follow.
"No, partner… No, no, Caelus, wake up!" he still cries out, like he did the first time, like he will inevitably say the next time and forever, because he refuses to accept Caelus is just gone. Golden eyes that hardly remained still are now hazily fixated on the ceiling of the ruins, and golden blood stains him, a grotesque display of Nanook's blessing on him. Cruel gold on his lips, on the back of his head, seeping the front of his white shirt.
And no matter how many times he calls, Caelus does not reply.
Even back when they first met and he was skeptical of the strange amnesiac newcomer, Dan Heng always thought that Caelus was like a tidal disruption. A wandering star that had ventured into a black hole, with shock waves and energy bursts powerful enough to rival a thousand suns. All threatening to uproot the life Dan Heng had carved for himself with his Nameless family. Caelus was always on the move, like his body needed to be in constant motion to function. Welt had been the only one to understand what Dan Heng meant by the comparison, only moving his head in slight disapproval, more amused than anything.
The disruption had been abruptly put to a stop.
Now, as Dan Heng brings a cold body into his arms, he's shaken by how erroneous it feels for him to be so unmoving. As the smell of blood becomes unbearable and he can no longer ignore how cold his best friend is, a wretched sob escapes him, and Dan Heng has lost track of the pleas and cries that fall from his lips. He attempts to stop a bleeding that is no longer flowing, and calls for Akivili to save THEIR Nameless, tries to call out to Welt, for Jing Yuan and his fleet, but there is no response. He is truly, forever, alone.
Like so many times before in the dream, he absurdly seeks within, then, for his previous incarnation. He looks for Dan Feng's cloudhymn magic and guidance, like his pain is a key he can use to call to it. But no matter how desperately, even as his veins are burning with the Vidyadhara essence, Dan Feng has only left him with Destruction. He's not like Bailu, who can mend with just the touch of her hands. Dan Heng is the heir of a sinner, and no suffering will change the nature of his power. But he does not yield. He refuses to let go of Caelus, stale gold and red blood intertwining, and his own injuries are starting to turn the scene into a hazy blur of fire and ashes.
"Caelus, I'm sorry, I'm so, so…" he hears himself saying, and it's so absurd, so cruel, he almost wants to laugh. How did this happen? Why? His mind cannot comprehend how suddenly it all occurred, how he didn't even have the time to reach out, to grab Cloudpiercer. To say goodbye. He's unsure if he's screaming or the raging anguish is just in his head.
It feels like just a second ago, they were entering Amphoreus' atmosphere, and Caelus was laughing at a stupid comment Dan Heng made about the landing. The cut off sound followed by a terrible screech as the train car was brought down is echoing in Dan Heng's mind, and he realizes that he can not, will not, live in a world where he no longer hear that laugh.
We, the Vidyadhara, have our own way of salvation. I can give it a try.
Hasn't he - or another him, in a dream of a dream - spoken these words once? A long time after this, at the Grove's Heartburn Wound, seeking through his own Remembrance-shaken memories, he would come to the same realization. But right now, this is perhaps the first time he began to understand Dan Feng's decision. In the middle of his despair, their molten souls are mirrors facing each other, and suddenly, he can hear Imbibitor Lunae's reasoning, and his logic no longer sounds desperate and sacrilegious. Why wouldn't he use forbidden power to defy the will of fate and bring his beloved back? Isn't he a descendant of Long, THEY whose power and might revealed the purpose of existence? Maybe, he thinks, his true power lies not in who Dan Feng was, but in the aching dragon heart he inherited, far too familiar to losing everything all at once. Breaking a sacred rule means nothing when the one his heart reveres lies fallen in front of him.
The dream always ends there. Later, Dan Heng is always terrified by how vividly he relives this last part. How real it seems, the forbidden technique still oozing from his fingertips, salvation and transgression entrenched in the small space between him and Caelus. I won't fail, he says, and he truly can't tell if he's saying it to Imbibitor Lunae or himself. I won't push us all into a painful abyss like you. I can do it.
The nightmare always seems strangely enlightening at that point, a violent reminder he can never outrun. He knows if this ever happens again, he will always make the same choice.
Just as he starts invoking the Transmutation Arcanum, trying to repeat the blasphemous crime that turned Imbibitor Lunae into a wretched legend, one of the rocks from the wreckage falls on his head, and as the world fades to black, Dan Heng is brought back to the present.
…
He's not sure if he's screaming when he wakes up, but the first thing Dan Heng does is reach out to his left, only to stub his fingers against the data bank's lower shelf. He mutters a curse, still half asleep, sitting up on his futon as he blinks blearily at his room. His room in the archives, in the Astral Express. Right. He is not in Amphoreus anymore, and Caelus is not sleeping at his side. It would be embarrassing to admit that Dan Heng is having a hard time adjusting to the new - or old? - sleeping arrangements. Yet, he hasn't been able to get a full night's sleep ever since they returned to the Express.
Might as well get some reading done.
He opens an old book on Pepeshi logic systems that Sunday lent him, so full of verbose and lengthy sentences it would probably make March turn to ice again. But instead of sleep overtaking him as he hoped it would, the words just slide over his eyes before he has any time to process them. There's a churn to his stomach like he's been through continuous warp jumps, and he vaguely attributes the discomfort in his gut to the fact his back is covered in cold sweat. His hands haven't stopped shaking.
Reluctantly, his gaze returns to his left side, empty now save for the shelves full of paperback records. Since being here is proving to be of no use, he gets up, hoping that maybe a walk around the train will calm his racing heart. Black Swan has just left the Express, so he doesn't worry about getting scared stiff at finding her on a dark hallway reading cards and muttering to herself.
Back when they first arrived to Okhema, during the first cycle they spent there, Dan Heng couldn't fall asleep at first. It wasn't enough to have the Dawn Device constantly shining on them, bringing the city to a perpetual state of bright daylight. Caelus had a terrible sleep schedule, and when he finally decided to doze off, it was full of incessant tossing and turning, actual literal singing in his sleep, and the very distracting habit of sleeping half naked. That unfortunate combination threw Dan Heng's whole routine by the window. It wasn't that he didn't know his partner's sleeping habits before, but for most sleepovers, March was usually there, and not only did she make sure to give everyone calming tea and matching pajamas, but miraculously, she was also the only person able to match Caelus' energy. Whenever they hung out, they ended up exhausted, napping for close to thirteen system hours.
Welt had commented they were like golden retriever puppies tiring each other out, whatever that meant.
But March 7th was no longer there, and for a while, her absence seemed to throw their dynamic off balance, a sudden strain to their usual push and pull, the orbit going slightly off course. After a while, though, they still found a routine that worked just fine. In the evenings at Descent Hour, if Phainon didn't kindly kick them out of the training ring, they would spar with him and Mydei, leaving them exhausted enough to just take a bath and go to sleep. Sometimes Dan Heng would be at the Grove all day while Caelus ran around "trailblazing" Okhema (which for him usually meant digging through trashcans and solving puzzles), but that still left them both exhausted. Maybe it was the uncertainty of this strange new world and being cut off from the Express family, or their unfamiliar clothes, or perhaps the bath water really did have medicinal properties, but Dan Heng found himself relying on his Nameless companion more than on past expeditions, always feeling a little bit reluctant to be apart for too long. He was secretly pleased at realizing he wasn't the only one. Caelus would almost instinctively reach out to Dan Heng, clinging to him in his sleep as his breathing finally evened out, resting on his shoulder whenever they had a moment to themselves. It was almost worth the embarrassment when even Cipher noticed, teasing him about "him being no different than the Deliverer Boy." She stopped once Dan Heng subtly called her out on her obvious fascination with Lady Castorice, and that was that.
Then, after that first cycle, well…
Everything had been so chaotic, death surrounded them on all sides, and Dan Heng found out demigods didn't truly need sleep. He only had a few nights of unrest back when they were separated, and the memories left him with a hollow ache that made him stop trying. He tried not to think too hard about those years, when it seemed like his own self had long perished and it was just a ghostly longing that made his body move. Caelus too once said he never actually felt the need to slumber, but he could fall asleep at will and liked the feeling of being unconscious and waking up surrounded by plushies and warm blankets. Dan Heng has always believed him. He forgets, sometimes, that Caelus' body hosts a seed of disaster powerful enough to destroy star systems. It really does seem to explain a lot of his… quirks.
Dan Heng lets out an amused huff, and that's when he realizes in his musings, he has walked up to the Party Car. But he doesn't really want a drink, nor is he looking to go through Pom-Pom's wardrobe. He hovers, a bit pathetically, at the base of the stairs that lead to Caelus' room.
It wouldn't be the first time one of them ended up at the other one's door, bright eyes and an awkward smile as they bring an extra pillow. More often than not, it's Caelus who just likes to accompany Dan Heng on his all-nighter research sprees and ends up napping on the archives room with him. But right now, a part of him, perhaps that urge to flee that has been his sole companion since he woke up in the Shackling Prison, whispers in his ear. Still reminds him of how paralyzingly terrifying it is to feel, and to lose.
And yet. Perhaps he needs to take that damned gravitational pull more seriously, as it appears to be stronger than Dan Heng's olden wounds. He doesn't knock, and instead crosses the distance towards his companion's bed. Only his night light is on, casting a warm glow over the other's sleeping frame.
"Caelus?" he tries, his voice barely audible. But Caelus, his body laying diagonally with one arm above his head, seems deep asleep. He's laying on his side, his mouth slightly open and drool all over his pillow. Dan Heng's trembling fingers brush the gray bangs from Caelus's forehead, and like a response, Caelus mumbles an off-key version of Hope Is The Thing With Feathers. "Still such a heavy sleeper."
Dan Heng can barely contain his fondness as he realizes he's wearing his favorite pajamas, the Slumbernana Monkey ones, and a Clockie shirt that is far too short for him. Finally thanks to March he appreciates nightwear. He looks ridiculous, and Dan Heng adores him. The screeches and loud notifications of a livestream are playing on the phone right next to Caelus's drooling face - seems to be Guinafen on one of her Ghost Hunting quests again -, so Dan Heng turns it off and sets it to charge mode.
"Excuse me."
Like a catcake that's trying to be stealthy, Dan Heng slowly curls up next to Caelus' sleeping frame. He doesn't want to wake him up, even if Caelus has said he's welcome to join him in bed whenever - he had said it with a curl of his eyebrows and Dan Heng had pretended not to get the double meaning -. He softly places his head over the other one's chest, just close enough that he can hear the steady rhythm of his heart. It's a wonderful sound, really, and it does help him feel more at peace.
"You're alive" he says, mostly to himself, to make sure it's the truth and not the Dreamscape, not an illusion from Evernight or a lie from Zandar. It's easier to say this than to admit Dan Heng actually lost him, not once but twice. Just thinking about it…
"Dan Heng? What's…?"
There's a grumble above him and oh no, Dan Heng's growing agitation probably woke him up. He straightens up, but it's too late. His partner slowly sits up, rubbing his eyes, and for a short second, doesn't seem to be awake at all. Then, as if he just now processed the words, he blinks once, twice, feels himself up, and then gapes at Dan Heng.
"Huh? Wait! Don't tell me I died again and didn't realize!"
It's so ridiculous compared to his grim thoughts just now, so casually spoken, that Dan Heng can't help but laugh, and the tension on his stomach dissipates a bit more. Still sitting at the side of the bed, he shakes one hand dismissively, using the other one to softly push Caelus back into bed.
"No, no. Sorry", he says, putting the covers over Caelus again. He's now looking at Dan Heng with curious, keen eyes, examining him like he's one of his puzzles. Always observant, taking things in like he can figure out the secrets of the universe by just watching. Dan Heng ruffles his hair, hoping to distract him with the gesture. "Go back to sleep."
"Mm." Caelus' eyes go from examining Dan Heng's pale face, to his hands, still shaking and fidgeting. Dan Heng knows it's too late to try to hide them, so he just looks away, cheeks flushed. "Trouble sleeping?"
Dan Heng doesn't answer, pretending to be distracted by the Trailblazer's proud trash display on the wall. That's when he feels Caelus' fingers brushing against his nape, a gesture so mundane between them, yet it still makes him want to squirm and hide his face. Caelus seems to choose not to tease him anymore, and when Dan Heng finally looks back at him, his partner simply pats the right side of the bed, opening the covers for him.
"Lucky for you, I have a big bed. Come here, let's have a sleepover".
He says it so openly, like it's just a movie night or a dinner date that Dan Heng can't help but agree. He lets Caelus drape the blanket over him, and when he feels the couch slightly shift under their shared weight, he lets out a heavy exhale. His limbs are suddenly lighter, and even though he can't hear Caelus' heartbeat as clearly, the warmth of his presence is enough to steady his own heart.
"Sometimes I have trouble sleeping too" he hears a confession behind him, and it's so very rare to hear the tense tone on Caelus that for a second Dan Heng forgets to breathe. "Well, not sleeping. More like, when I close my eyes, I worry that a long time will have passed when I wake up. Or that I'll be back at the Space Station and you guys will have gone on without me."
Dan Heng waits until he's sure Caelus won't say anything else. "I would wake you in time", he knows it's true, because he's done if before. "I would come looking for you."
He hears the smallest intake of breath, and then Caelus lets out a relieved chuckle, like he's found his answer. Something tells Dan Heng there's more on the Trailblazer's mind, but he knows better than to push him before he's ready to talk.
"I know" Caelus says, and shifts slightly so that Dan Heng feels the slight pull of the covers.
He's not surprised to find Caelus' eyes on him when he turns, but this time, Dan Heng doesn't look away. Caelus' grin expands just a little bit more, a wrinkle of mirth forming under his golden eyes, and they start doing their little game of footsies, another far too childish routine they picked up from their time in Amphoreus. Caelus calls him a clingy lizard, but he doesn't mind. Dan Heng bops Caelus' nose with his finger, and is delighted when the other one lets out a sleepy giggle, burrowing closer to him and boping him back on the chin with repeated taps, like he does when he's figuring something out.
"What?" Dan Heng says, feeling a little bit giddy and a lotta ridiculous.
"Nothing", Caelus replies, the same silly tone he uses only with Dan Heng. "I was just thinking March is going to be sooo mad when she sees we had a sleepover without her."
Dan Heng laughs softly at that, knowing she'd probably make fun of their "PDA" (another term he wasn't familiar with until she explained). But jokes and all, she'd definitely make sure no one had any bad dreams. Perhaps the three of them needed to share a room. They could even invite Sunday, but knowing him, he'd much rather burrow in his own feathers and have a corner to himself.
Caelus is suddenly frowning again, and Dan Heng has to stop the urge to fuss all over him until the crease between his eyebrows is gone. "But I'm glad you came. I sleep better when you're here, and I like to wake up with you".
Once again, Dan Heng has to stop himself from pressing for more, to ask what's been troubling his partner. But the knot in his stomach fully untangles at the words, so he smiles and finally gives in to the urge to stretch his arms and fully bring Caelus closer.
"Me too".
In a lot of ways, they still feel like the youngsters, desperately clinging onto each other, even after the multiple lifetimes they experienced in Amphoreus. Perhaps because no one else would truly understand that feeling, and in a way, the people who boarded the Express again were not quite the same who left. Once again, Dan Heng feels an almost cosmic level of gratitude at finding himself here, all of them safe and sound, back home and in each other's arms. It's intertwined with the scorching grief, a muddy pool of emotions he can't always name, but Dan Heng's dragon heart would not change it for anything.
"We'll invite March next time" he promises. "But not right now."
"Right now I'm just where I want to be" Caelus sighs, face buried in Dan Heng's chest, and that's the last thing he says before he's softly snoring again. He mumbles, half asleep. "Night, Dan Heng."
Dan Heng plants a kiss on his forehead, a promise of more nights spent together, tending to each other's wounds in their own unique way. Saving each other from nightmares like they've done over and over again. And for Dan Heng, the promise of what he could do, what he was going to do for his beloved, is no longer a terrifying prospect, but a fail-safe, a promise he will never again let his loved ones slip through his fingers.
"Good night, Caelus" he says, like a promise.