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She sat there, in the dark of her dorm, as her food began to go cold. It was still delicious, Suiren’s cooking always was. Though she had lost her appetite for tonight, she forced herself to ingest the food, if only to keep her mind off of the events from earlier. Her head dipped closer and closer to the table as her body grew more tired and her mind grew wilder.
The hallways were dead silent. Everyone else had gone to bed, of course they had, Maomao had made sure no one would be up to interrogate her, lest she let slip where she had gone, and what had happened.
She wasn’t one to feel things, or maybe she was and she just didn’t realise it. She was used to rejection, it was a part of life after all. She couldn’t remember the last time if ever she had been lumped in the same category as Yao, even En’en received offers left and right.
She didn’t mind much now. After all, it was hard to be upset when your own mother rejected you, cursing that she wished you had never been born. She had a permanent reminder of it after all, the tip of a finger may grow back but it always left a scar. That would be the lowest point for anyone, now there wasn’t much lower Maomao could go.
She took another spoonful in her mouth, moving it around to taste it before she forced herself to swallow. The only light, a small candle she had lit when she arrived back, only out of habit, she wouldn’t mind it being dark for the rest of the night.
If she was so used to rejection, which she was sure she was, then why did this particular one leave her chest feeling tight, her breathing staggered as if she couldn’t get enough air, why did her mind feel so wrong as if each wrong thought made her body feel that much more sluggish. Like she would suddenly collapse if she moved, but staying still felt so much worse.
Jinshi had always shown a certain affection for her, she had once called him a freak for it, for there was no reason a man like him could ever feel something for a girl like her. Not unless there was something severely wrong with him.
Even after proposing marriage she still did not believe him. There were far better options than her, she had reiterated that to him time and time again. And yet, he kept coming back. If he had only listened to her, they wouldn’t be in this predicament.
She has once all but ordered that he use her like the tool she was, the way he had once done so, back in the rear palace, back when they were simply eunuch and servant. Those times felt so easy, and a part of her had wished she had never met the man, for it would be far easier without all of this.
She stood up, her joints protesting heavily, abandoning what was left of her meal, she looked down at it, as if it had done something to insult her personally. Maybe it had, after all, she could have been eating this with Jinshi, sitting across from him, the light from the lanterns casting shadows over his face. She would ask him how his day went, and he would do the same for her. That was how it had always gone, if it wasn’t for her actions.
Her body hit the ground as she crouched over herself, her back pressed against the cold door. She hoped if anyone came knocking, her body would be enough to keep the door shut. She didn’t feel like seeing anyone at the moment.
She had heard the stories of the Moon Prince’s childhood. He had been born into a life filled with luxuries, though there were many he was not afforded. She knew of his issue of having his favourite toys taken away, Gaoshun and Suiren had explained it to her well enough.
Even so, she knew it was only time before she became one of those abandoned toys, placed over to the side, never to be touched again.
She could understand it, she would never be able to live in such a state. The Moon Prince’s wife? She wouldn’t survive, that was simply a fact. If anything, perhaps Jinshi had shown her kindness by rejecting her.
Still, it had taken her long enough to admit what he made her feel. The slight warmth that would wash over her whenever he was in the vicinity. The way her eyes would be the first ones he’d meet when he’d walk through the doorway.
She had been ready, she had wanted this, she was sure of it. For once in her life she hadn’t run away, she hadn’t feigned ignorance. She had accepted her feelings, understood his, and had prepared accordingly.
Her head fell into her arms, her body sinking further into the ground. She was exhausted, the earlier conversation having taken the energy from her. Though her body was getting closer and closer to the idea of being overtired, her mind kept swimming.
Thoughts of Jinshi kept entering her head, swishing around like a waterfall she couldn’t turn off, the water far too loud, only reminding her of the day she truly found out he wasn’t the eunuch, oh how she wished she could forget that. When the thought finally did escape, another would just take its place.
Why had it been poison? Why had that been his excuse? It felt like some sort of elaborate lie one might tell when they didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
After all, he had once pushed her to become a food taster, knowing full well she could be poisoned during it and still allowing her to practice even now. She had tried paralytics that would leave her gasping for breath, hallucinogens that would show her horrible fears, or sorts of poisons that would no doubt do harm to her body, and yet abortifacients were where he decided to draw the line.
She reached into her breast pocket, her supplies had moved around as Suiren had searched her, and she hadn’t had time to put them back after showing them to Jinshi. Everything had seemed to happen so fast after that.
She pulled the powder out, the green leaves she had taken such meticulous care to grind just right sat in the pouch seemingly mocking her. The powder was one she had fully expected to turn into a tea by the end of tonight, or perhaps the next morning. The powder she had made a hundred times, but had never tried herself, she had never had a reason to.
She opened it up, her body far too tired to reach for the water she had left on the small table, instead she swallowed it dry, the burning sensation as the bitterness slid down her throat felt almost welcome, the first thing she had felt since Jinshi had kicked her out, Suiren’s cooking not even enough to bring her the joy she sought. She threw her head against the door, the hardness of the wood did nothing to rid her head of such awful thoughts.
She would show him. It didn’t matter whether they truly did it or not, she would always be in danger from poison, whether he liked it or not. Perhaps she would become barren sooner or later and he would miss his chance. Perhaps if she took the powder every night regardless of what they did together, he would finally understand.
She didn’t mind poisoning herself if it meant she got to be with him.
Even the worst poisons had their uses, and as she had told him before, she would not become the empress enemy. She slipped the rest of the poison onto her tongue, swishing it around to fully appreciate the bitter taste.
She couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take. A week, two, maybe even a month until he noticed a change in her. The abortifacients, though useful, had their consequences.
The idea of documenting her findings, of hiding her symptoms, the tiredness, the extra pain. It brought a small smile to her lips, her mind too tired to fight it. What would he say when he found out? Would he feel nothing, perhaps show his disappointment with those small glares of his? Maybe he would even get angry, yell at her, order her to stop, perhaps even force her to stay by his side so he could keep a closer eye on her.
Maomao wasn’t a difficult person. No, she prided herself on being independent. That was why the idea of someone wanting her, truly, deeply wanting her, was so foreign, so strange, so… wrong.
She didn’t need him to survive, yet she found herself feeling calmer, almost safer with him. Why didn’t he want her back, had he truly grown that sick of her?
Her eyes closed, her arms still hugging her legs, pulling them closer so they pressed up against her stomach, a strange feeling running through her body.
She has the next day off of work, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be a busy day. It would be best to avoid Jinshi, at least for tomorrow, she would instead busy herself on a new project perhaps, maybe even make use of the food she had abandoned just earlier, she would hate for it to go to waste.
Her head lolled to the side, though her body remained rigid, her thoughts were still very much consumed by Jinshi, and she willed herself to stop.
Just a little longer until morning, and then she would begin again.