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"do you not like being here?"
He hears the sharp intake of breath by his side, and doesn't turn to look. Yi is staring at him.
"......that's– .....what brought this up?"
It's not an answer.
Shuanshuan wanted to spend some time by the river, and think a little. The sound of the water rushing is calming, and birdsong fills the air. The rock they're sitting on has been warmed by the sun, all throughout the day.
It's getting late. He's been away from home since the morning. Of course Yi came looking for him.
"Well, do you not? Don't you miss your home?"
He sighs. "Shuanshuan, it's been a long day. Can we go back and talk about this another time?"
"are you gonna be sober, another time?"
It comes off harsher than intended, and he regrets it immediately, wincing at his own sharp tongue. Guilt. It makes him wish he never said anything at all, that he took the offer and let the conversation die, for today. He doesn't know what's gotten into him today. He feels upset. He didn't want to be with Yi today. That's not... That's new.
Yi doesn't say anything. Shuanshuan kind of wishes he would. Even if it was a reprimand.
...they found him passed out in a ditch last week. Yesterday Shennong brought him home unable to walk straight. Shuanshuan doesn't know what to think, when that happens, but he doesn't want to just... Lash out like that.
"I'm sorry. That was mean."
"No. You're right."
If it's meant to be reassuring he doesn't know, because it just makes him feel worse. Shuanshuan tucks his knees to his chest, still unable to look at him.
"...you shouldn't–" Yi swallows, "it's not right that you've seen me like that so often lately. I'm sorry."
There are mosquito bites on his ankles. Shuanshuan picks at them, even though he shouldn't, just to do something with his hands.
"....and, I'm sorry if... if I'm giving you the impression I don't want to be here. It's not... I don't want you to think I'm unhappy living on this planet."
"But you are." It's in times like these that Shuanshuan wishes he was a little older, and a little better at saying what he wants to say without a lump forming in his throat. His mind wanders to the memory of that last day in New Kunlun, and how he couldn't get more than three words out of his mouth before they were accompanied by a sob. He doesn't like to think about that day. Shuanshuan breathes slowly, and tries to will away the warmth behind his eyes through thought alone. "You're not happy here. You wouldn't be hurting yourself if you were."
"That's not–I'm not–"
"I'm not dumb, Yi."
He's thought about it a lot, confused and trying to understand why Yi keeps throwing himself headfirst into situations that leave him stumbling, late at night when he's supposed to be sleeping. He came to the conclusion that he doesn't like being at the village, and maybe it's because he misses his real home, or his... his real sister, or maybe they're not worth sticking around for. He doesn't know. He doesn't know and Yi won't talk about it. So he's guessing guessing guessing whenever he doesn't stay put by the fire or finish his meals or goes out when the weather wants them dead. And it feels like being told to stay at the pavilion, playing with gifts, pretending to not know what's out there, hoping Yi doesn't come back bleeding and half conscious again.
"Shuanshuan, can you look at me?"
"No." He says, stubborn. Because if he looks at Yi he'll see he wants to cry and if he cries right now he's gonna look like a little kid and that's exactly why Yi won't tell him anything, (Nevermind that he doesn't tell a whole lot to Uncle Chubby and the rest, either.) and he's upset at him right now.
"Please?"
...Shuanshuan looks at him, but he doesn't turn. And he doesn't push his bangs away from his eyes, either.
Yi is facing him fully, one hand half stretched across the stone, like he wants to reach him and doesn't know if he should.
He takes a moment, mulling the words in his head. The birds have stopped singing. The sky is tinted in purple and orange. The eyebags under his eyes are a bit more apparent like this, with the sunset casting faded shadows on his face.
The expression is far from the depiction of the hero in Shuanshuan's old tales, but it's real, and it's sincere.
"I'm not happy with myself."
His hand crosses the distance, running thin fingers on his hair, tucking it behind his ear. The contact is familiar, and Shuanshuan feels a bit of tension leaving his shoulders, involuntarily.
"It's not about you. Any of you, really. It's not about Pale Blue. And you're right, I do miss Penglai, but that's only part of it.
Everyone misses Penglai, and... And I fear I'm at fault for it. So I'm not happy with myself. I'm sorry."
Yi is still his big brother. Even if he's not perfect. Sometimes he's cool, sometimes he's frustrating, sometimes he's the smartest person Shuanshuan knows, and sometimes he seems just as clueless as he is. Someone who's still learning.
He doesn't know how to say all this. So he hugs Yi, instead.
In the end, he doesn't cry, but he does sniffle against his robe a little, and Yi wraps his arms around him, a low purr building on his chest.
"...I don't like it when you push me away."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"I don't like it when you're mean to yourself, either."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying that."
He huffs out a humourless laugh. "You're right. I've been wearing out that word a little, haven't I?"
Shuanshuan settles his cheek on his shoulder. "How about... 'I'll try not to'?"
"....I'll try not to be mean to myself. Or push you away."
Shuanshuan smiles. He's still worried for him. Awfully worried. But the weight on his chest feels lighter.
"That's better."