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"Super powers, baby?"
Her best friend, Maloi, repeated the statement the little boy in front of the group asked. The amusement in her eyes reflected the tone of her voice as if she couldn't get off the idea of how adorable and curious her son is.
Stacey just stared at the former. A mother. It's been almost a decade back in their college days, Maloi was just the creative, artistic, and playful one. Stacey couldn't help but reminisce about those times where she would honestly be annoyed at the girl during lunch breaks where her voice would echo in the whole cafeteria, a lot of people would stare at them, totally embarrassing. Stacey may be loud, loud as Maloi rather, but only in moments where she feels like she wants to be. She does admit, Stacey loves privacy, but with that girl—it would be impossible. Maloi, the ever-confident-social-butterfly who would add a lot of anik-anik on her messenger bag.
The former would be one of the people she used to cry with during those days—until now, whether it was happy tears or sad ones. After all, the girl is older than Stacey. When everything feels unbearable, she has a sister (not by blood though) to hang on.
She can’t still process it that her supposed “ate” already has a child. The clumsy and one of the most unserious person in her life became a mother, a role that requires maturity and seriousness. She is still playful though, but "that" role perfectly fits her better than anyone could.
"Paulit-ulit, 'te?" Sheena, the youngest in the group—joker, weird, and the loudest, said with her usual sarcastic tone that caused Stacey to wake up in her reverie. Maloi then glared at the youngest as if telling her to shut up.
The three of them are at Maloi and Colet's house. The former informs them that her wife is at the studio, working. She invited them to catch up. Now, they are sprawled around the living room. Sheena, resting her arms at the armrest of the spacious couch together with Maloi’s son who’s in the middle. Stacey, on the single seater sofa beside the spacious one, with a pillow in her lap, while Maloi is leaning in the doorframe of their kitchen.
"Oo na te, mananahimik na."
They laughed as the eldest (but shortest) came to the living room just to gently smack the youngest's arm.
"Ehh, you haven't answered pa po Tinang Shee ehh!" The little boy pouted.
"Mhmm..." Sheena hummed, staring at the ceiling while she tap her cheeks with her pointy finger, acting like she is really giving the question a thought. As if her life depends on that. The people around her are waiting, seriously.
"Secret!” She teased.
Maloi, who just went to the kitchen—again, immediately laughed as if she already expected the youngest would say that. Stacey just stared at them, amused. A smug smile forming on the Pink enthusiast’s lips.
"Tinang naman, ehh!" The little boy crossed arms, he pouted even more.
"Joke lang, baby. Pero ako, gusto ko magkaroon ng invisibility power!" Sheena announced with a grin spreading across her lips.
"Parang may idadagdag ka pa, be.” Maloi, the ever “extra” one.
"Decisionavility ahh, pero sige te. Invincibility, punctuality, honesty, generosity ... Uhmm..." Sheena, running out words, closed her eyes to think.
“Ay, nakatulog!” Maloi joked while the former stayed focused.
"Capability pa, bebe.” Stacey, trying to be helpful.
"Ohh yes, thank you. I need more -ty." Sheena, as she opened her eyes again.
"Milk tea, bebe!" said Maloi with a smirk.
"Funny 'yun?" Sheena rolled her eyes playfully.
"You're just teasing me naman, Tinang!" The little, clearly running out of patience (probably inherited from his Mama Colet).
"Joke lang, pero alam mo kung bakit?"
"Hindi po..." He admitted innocently. Uncrossing his arms as he turned his full attention to his younger godmother.
"Bakit hindi mo alam?!" Sheena put her hands on her chest, acting hurt. She then closed her eyes to add dramatic effect.
"Tinang... sorry po." the kid slowly stood up from his seat and opened his arms to comfort her auntie. Probably a trait inherited from both of his parents who are very empathetic.
"Baliw ka talaga, Shee!" Maloi chuckled.
"Huwag mo 'yan pansinin, baby. Nagbibiro lang 'yan. Dito ka na lang kay Tinang Tasey ganda." Stacey, obviously teasing. She even emphasized the word “ganda” to prove her point. Sheena glared at her while she on the other hand, returned a triumphant grin.
"Ito naman! Nag-mo-moment 'yung tao, 'te." The youngest said as she went to the kid’s side and caged him in her arms, preventing him from escaping and going to Stacey.
"Ang unnecessary naman ng 'ganda'." Maloi noted.
“Just stating facts.” Stacey said as she flipped her hair backwards.
The kid turned to the one who called him, looking at the woman with eyes full of curiosity as Sheena continued to bug him and he also continued to escape from the youngest’s arm.
"Ikaw po, Tinang Tasey? What superpower do you want to possess?"
Stacey stopped for a second, caught off guard.
"I want to have the ability of time travelling," She muttered, smiling at him.
His mouth became the shape of o.
“I want to be a time traveller, kiddo." She continued.
"Wow, Tinang! You want to see the future po?" He asked, while Sheena bites his ears.
"Not really."
"So past po?” The kid persisted. Poor boy trying to escape from another round of bites, finally, his Auntie Sheena stopped.
"Yes, baby."
Then, silence.
As Stacey thought the talk would be dismissed, unbeknownst to her, the little boy would dare to ask her more questions—unaware of the damage he was about to cause.
"Why po tinang? Do you miss something or someone from your past?"
That made Stacey tremble.
"Do you want to relive it po ba?" He continued.
That made her frozen.
"Or do you regret anything po ba, or is it just fo-"
The boy was unable to continue since a hand covered his mouth.
The kid mumbled words incoherently while trying to remove Sheena's hand from his mouth.
"Bakit naman kasi may interrogation." The youngest whispered, more to herself while trying to smile with her teeth.
But it's too late.
Because that made Stacey crumble.
"That's enough, anak." Maloi said firmly. Walking to the couch with worry evident in her eyes.
"It's getting late, uuwi na ang mga tinang mo." Maloi, sensitive about how Stacey might be feeling at the moment.
"But mommy, the sun hasn't even set yet!" The kid complained.
"Baby, may pupuntahan pa kasi kami. 'Di ba, Ate Maloi?" The youngest, convincing.
"Oo, aalis-”
“Shee, Mal. Okay lang.” Stacey said with a finality in her voice. A forced smile formed on her lips. Her friends glanced at her, trying to see if the thought of staying would really be okay.
She must stay. She should stay. At least by staying, she can prove that the talk didn't affect her at all. She should look unbothered. She should look composed. Albeit she does look composed, outside—the inside of her is like those bricks stacked together, wobbling. And with one pull, it might completely collapse. She can’t bear to allow that show.
But, to answer her best friend's son's question. More of the third one.
There are things she regrets,
- One. The Regret of an impulsive decision. Like, why does she immediately have to buy a new pair of four inches expensive heels just because it's Pink? It is even two digits larger than her size but she thought she could make it work. She would convince herself with the phrase, "deserve ko 'to". The regret, though, immediately crept in just after she came home. Where would she put this another pair when her shelves were already full with 22 pairs of heels just to end up not using it because it's larger than her actual size? Take note, almost three fourths of her collections were Pink.
- Two. Regret due to some unintentional and random mistakes. Like this one moment during their college days, in the shading examination—clearly, no correction tape nor correction pen can erase a mistake, she’s not using pencil after all. She’s already decided that the answer will be letter A, but she, being Stacey, shaded the circle that is in the column of letter B. To conclude, she was supposed to be correct but failed.... Unintentionally. Randomly. Pero nakakahilo naman talaga kasi.
- Three. Regret of inconsiderate choices. Times such as prioritizing her present self and sacrificing the future her. She knows she has a lot of things to do, but she chose to continue to scroll on Tiktok—laughing hysterically at the funny videos she encounters every now and then, clearly entertained with the AI videos with questions such as “You’re are stuck on a deserted island, what food capsule would you choose?”. After that, she will regret not doing the things she was supposed to do, and it makes her feel rushed. She would blame it on the phone knowing damn well that it's her fault. She had a choice to do things earlier, but she chose to be inconsiderate about what might happen later on.
- Finally, the regret of having regrets.
Why do humans have to feel guilty about things? Why do people have regrets? Why can't they just enjoy their life, not thinking about these kinds of stuff? Is it because Eve and Adam ate the apple, that's why she had to be conscious about her life choices?
Because honestly, regrets are like shadows that love following people even in full darkness. Typical description, isn't it?
But more certainly for Stacey, it feels like the distant, but vivid memory of how much she used to love and regret the sea on "that" same day. It lingered in the back of her mind. It's Sunday. She was too obsessed with the sea. She remembered that she was prickled by a sea urchin. She cried, but told her mother she still wanted to swim. She sunbathed, she built a sand castle, she bought a popsicle stick that was overpriced, cash from her own mini-money-bag—yet the smile on her face kept forming. And that's how it felt to love.
She wants to be fearless no matter how deep a thing is. Like the younger Stacey that was willing to sync with the sea waves, who even tried to dive deeper to know what's beneath those blue and sparkling water.
But suddenly, tides and salts started to burn her skin, yet she kept on going, because she believed that something good from the very start couldn't disappoint her. She swam deeper, but she started to get scared. The waves that once carried her are now crashing against the little girl. She was trying to find the shore, but it's pulling away. And no one noticed she was drowning. Until a lifeguard saw her. And that's how the regret came pouring. Because her nose was clogged with sea water, her eyes sting and were red, she got a sun burn—but that didn't really matter for a moment. What hit her was seeing the regret in the eyes of her mother. Because deep inside, she would still be okay with the things that affected her and almost made her want dead. However, one thing that would completely break her was how others would view her regrets, and how they will be affected by it. And that's how regret happens.
Because for Stacey, she would still be okay if the regret only affected her, if it only wounded her. She would be okay to receive permanent scars with it. However, if it means pulling others to bleed with her—she feels like she would only be the valid one to blame.
The sun has already set. It’s around 7 p.m. when they are walking towards the gate of Ricalde-Vergara-Family’s house as Stacey took a one last glance at the warm and welcoming home. She is bidding her silent goodbye to the place and to the kid who is currently asleep and left alone lying on the couch of the living room. Sheena already left the place at exactly 6:32—with Gwen, her girlfriend, who was waiting outside the gate as she promised dinner to Sheena. Stacey decided to stay a little bit later since she didn't have anything to do.
"Staku..." Maloi trailed with hesitation after opening the gate, pulling the latter into an embrace.
"Ate, okay lang po ako.” Stacey promised as she returned the hug, caressing her best friend’s back. She already knows what the fashionista girl would say.
“Nandito lang ako, kami.” Maloi tightened their hug, patting the younger’s head.
Stacey stayed silent, not because she wanted to—she just didn't know how to respond. But, she acknowledged the older woman's statement. She knows. They broke the hug, Maloi kisses the taller one's right cheek.
That's a goodbye, Stacey thought. But just as she started to walk away and go to her Pink car, Maloi has to say this to make amends for her son's earlier questions:
“Staku!” She called.
Stacey stopped in her tracks.
"I'm sorry. I love you."
I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry. I love you.
I’m sorry. I love you.
"I'm sorry. I love you...." Jhoanna, Stacey's girlfriend said with a pleading voice. Her lips formed a pout.
There are currently three people in the room. Jhoanna with her eyes that both look nervous and begging at same time, Stacey who looks exhausted but clearly exasperated—and the third one, the fragile middle-aged woman who's unconscious, lying on the hospital bed, Ivy; unwell, Stacey’s mom.
"Jho, 'wag na dito. Sa labas tayo mag-uusap, baka magising pa si mommy."
Stacey said as she turned her back from her girlfriend and headed towards the door.
“Lagot… Lord, guide me.” Jhoanna prayed silently while staring at the ceiling, she then followed her loved one outside.
Jhoanna thought that the older woman would stop just outside the room, but Stacey kept on walking. She is trying to find a more secluded spot in the hospital. The former, on the other hand, was trying her best to catch up.
Stacey finally stops in front of a two-way door that has an exit sign above it and turn to face her girlfriend. That’s a cue for Jhoanna to continue apologizing.
"Love, sorr-"
"Jho naman! Fifteen thousandths, seriously?" Stacey whisper-shouts, annoyance palpable in her face and voice.
"Stacey, I-" Jhoanna scrambles with her words.
"No, Jho. Don't you dare deny it. Ba't wala kang pasabi?" The former threatened.
"Because you're not supposed to know..." The younger one whispered, as if making it any louder would turn her fuming girlfriend into an initial and only suspect for her murder case (because the woman in front of her is staring daggers). She's unable to meet Stacey’s eyes knowing she's at fault. Jhoanna thought that floor looks shiny and unique, so she (instead) analyzes it (just to avoid the older’s gaze. Really.).
"Ahh. So ano, kung hindi pa sinabi sa'kin ni Ate Colet ang nangyari, itatago mo na lang sa'kin?"
Jhoanna is currently cursing her Ate Colet in her mind right now. Why would she tell Stacey?!
"Staku..."
"Tumigil ka, Jhoanna. Ano ako, ano kami ni mommy? Charity chase para bigyan mo ng pera?" Oh dear. She's not just mad. It's worse. She’s Disappointed.
"Love, hindi..." Jhoanna said apologetically.
"Jho naman! Inisip mo man lang ba kung ano 'yung mararamdaman ko kapag nalaman ko 'to? Eh siguro nga, oo. Kasi, why would you even hide it from me?"
The younger, upon hearing her girlfriend’s statement, turned her gaze so fast towards her, as if she is “the flash”—ready to clarify herself.
"Love, hindi gano'n. I just want to help you and tita. Alam ko naman kasi na hindi ka papayag kung ipapaalam ko sa'yo." Jhoanna smiled, hoping that would ease up the tension (it didn't. It never worked).
"Alam mo naman pala na hindi ako papayag, ba't tinuloy mo pa? Ang tanga lang, Jho!" Stacey pointed out, ruffling her hair due to frustration and exhaustion.
"Staku, I genuinely just want to lessen your worries about the bills." The younger woman said softly. She doesn't want to be in the same emotion as Stacey, to match her frustration (She couldn't. She could never.). She wants to be the contrast of her girlfriend at that very moment, so that at least one of them will not fuel the other’s rage, and the emotions and words can still be controlled. Nevertheless, she knows she's at fault.
"Hindi, Jho. It's like you are underestimating my capability to pay my own mother's hospital bill! Feeling ko kasi, wala kang tiwala sa'kin, kayo. Sa tingin ko, ang tingin mo sa'kin, mahina ako."
"Love, Hindi!" Jhoanna said defensively, shaking her head. She doesn't want Stacey to think that she sees her that way. To be honest, it was the complete opposite of it. So she explained:
"No, it's not like that. I just really want to help tita and you. Hindi ko minamaliit ang kakayahan mo, hindi ka mahina. Sa totoo lang, isa ka sa mga pinakamalakas na taong kilala ko."
Stacey softened. But she still pressed.
"Pero alam mo naman ang magiging reaksyon ko, 'di ba?"
“Oo." Jhoanna replied gently but firmly. Because she knows the possible consequences of her action, and one of them is making Stacey feel “that” emotion she never intended to.
"Alam mo naman siguro 'yung nararamdaman ko ngayon, 'di ba?"
"Opo..."
"Jho, kaya ko naman. Hindi ko man bigla-biglang mababayaran ang bills kasi ako lang naman. Ako na lang ang meron si mama, ang meron kami. Pero sinusubukan ko, Jho. Pride ko kasi Jho ang nalagay ngayon sa alanganin..." Now, with softer but exhaustion evident in her voice. The last part turns into a trembling whisper she doesn't want to admit.
However, the way Stacey’s shoulder slumps, the way her voice trembles at the last line—Jhoanna knew, she really messed up, badly.
"I’m sorry. I know where you are coming from. It's just that, you don't need to face everything alone. Hindi sana gano'n kasi nandito naman ako, allow me to face it with you. Hindi ko man masasabi kung gaano kabigat ang pinapasan mo ngayon dahil hindi naman ako ikaw para diktahan ang dinadala mo... but, I know one thing for sure—it's not easy to carry them. Kaya naman, hayaan mo ako na samahan ka..." she stops, then she really looks at the eyes of the woman in front of her. She wants to show how sincere she is with every word she wants to let go.
"And I'm sorry because I made you feel that way, it's not my intention to." She continued.
That line made Stacey's demeanor softer than before, but she's hurt, still.
"No, Jho. You don't get me. Malaking pera 'yun. You could've spend this to som-"
"No, Love. Please listen to me right now. Campus Journalist 'tong girlfriend mo, may mga nakukuha naman akong incentive kapag nanalo sa mga school press conference, maging division o national man. Nagpapadala rin si mama at papa kahit nasa Laguna sila. May pera naman, Love—kung 'yun ang inaalala mo."
Jhoanna took her girlfriend’s both hands with her, rubbing her thumbs at Stacey's knuckles.
"And, I trust you, Love. Trust me, I do. I know you can pay tita's hospital bill, I see every hardwork you are doing. Nakikita ko 'yung efforts mo." The former stopped, inhaling oxygen.
"Pero Love," The younger’s voice started to tremble, her eyes started to form tears. However, she stopped them from spilling.
"I don't like seeing you skip lunch sa tuwing nasa cafeteria tayo kasi sabi mo, nagtitipid ka. I don't like it when you return to our apartment, late at night kasi closing shift ka. And I hate seeing how you weren't even able to eat dinner with me on those kinds of days, kasi sabi mo, 'pagod'..."
"Jho..." Now, Stacey's eyes turn to sting. Her vision starts to blur like a phone camera that hasn't been wiped for weeks.
“I want to help in small ways or in any way I can. Gusto kitang bilihan ng lunch, pero you will be mad because you feel like I'm being persistent. Gusto kong hatid-sundo ka sa trabaho mo, but you insist that you can return safe, alone. Gusto man kitang pilitin na kumain tuwing gabi, kahit hindi na para sa'tin, kahit para sa sarili mo na lang—pero gusto ko rin na magpahinga ka."
With that, Stacey's eyes dropped a tear.
"Gusto kong gawin lahat ng 'yun, but I don't want to force you. Pero, hindi kita sinusumbatan, ha? Hindi ko sinasabing hindi mo kakayanin, kasi kaya mo! Pero love, just like what I've said, kahit maging matigas na lang ang ulo mo, kahit palagi,"
Jhoanna let go of Stacey's left hand. She used her right hand that earlier held the latter's. She cupped Stacey's cheek to wipe the tear that the older girl let go of with her thumb.
"Hayaan mo lang akong makatulong para kahit kaunti lang, mabawasan 'yung inaalala mo." She concluded.
"Jho, babayaran na lang kit-"
"Stacey naman. Makinig ka naman sa'kin. Hindi na kailangan.”
"Pero, kailangan ko Jho. Ayaw ko magka-utang na loob kahit kanino."
"Sige."
A bit of silence.
"Pero ngayong araw mo na bayaran." She added.
"Ha?" Stacey, confused and worried at the same time.
"Bayaran mo ngayon sa paraan na tatanggapin ko,”
Jhoanna smiled, trying her best to tell Stacey “Okay lang, mahal.” through their eye contact.
"Kahit ngayong araw lang, kumain ka ng lunch, huwag mong tipirin ang sarili mo. Kahit ngayong araw lang, huwag ka munang magtrabaho—o kung makulit ka at dahil hindi kita matiis, kahit hatid-sundo nalang kita, 'wag ka lang umalis at umuwi nang mag-isa sa apartment. At kahit mamayang gabi lang, samahan mo sana akong mag-hapunan, ako na ang magluluto—pwede rin sa kahit saan mo gusto tayong kumain, ikaw na pumili. Kung gusto mo rito sa hospital, ako na ang pupunta, just tell me what you want to eat. Magpahinga ka ng walo o higit pang oras hanggang sa feeling mo gusto mo na muling bumangon dahil sawa ka na higaan, kahit ako muna ang magba-bantay kay tita. Para sa'yo naman, Love. Ikaw muna. P’wede rin para kay tita kasi ayaw niya na nakikitang gan'to ka."
Stacey completely broke down, letting go of the weight of the situation that caused her. She cries and sobs uncontrollably. Jhoanna then stepped forward and enveloped her arms around Stacey's waist to embrace her. The latter then put her arms around the top of her girlfriend's shoulder and snuggled her face to the younger’s neck, using it to suppress the sound that came from her sobs. Jhoanna gently pat Stacey’s head and kisses her temple. Shen then started rubbing circles around the latter's back to provide comfort as Jhoanna also tried to stop herself from crying.
A little later, Stacey's breathing became steady—a hint that she stopped from crying.
"Jho, sorry." The older one broke the comforting silence.
Jhoanna broke the hug to face the latter. She holds both of Stacey's hands instead. They found seats and decided to sit on them with Jhoanna still guiding her girlfriend's steps.
"Saan naman?" the younger asked, titling her head.
"I’m sorry that you have to face this side of me,"
"Magandang side profile ba?" Jhoanna jokes, trying to ease up the gravity of the words Stacey let go of.
"Nagawa mo pang magsabi ng gan’yan!" The latter let go from Jhoanna’s hold to playfully smack her girlfriend’s arms. She tried to look annoyed but the smile and soft chuckle that escaped from her lips failed her.
"Pero seryoso, what do you mean?" The younger took Stacey's hand again.
"This. The negative side of me, the ugly in me."
Jhoanna wanted to interrupt her to make another point, but she stopped herself so that the girl she was facing right now could fully open up.
"I'm sorry for pushing you away just now, I'm sorry for not acknowledging your help and your point immediately. Hindi ko lang kasi alam kung paano iha-handle lahat ng 'to … with mommy, academics, bills, lahat nalang. Ang hirap nilang pagsabayin. Pero hindi naman ‘yun rason para ipagtabuyan ka. Aminado ako, Jho. Napapagod na rin ako..." Stacey wanted to cry, but she stopped herself so that she could fully explain her side. She instead, averted her gaze at their hands, holding each other.
"Hindi ko ma-explain, Jho. I grew up only having my mom by my side. Siya lang talaga. Walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan. Kaya mahirap, sobra. Kasi kahit gaano ko sabihin sa'yo, sa inyo, na kaya ko—kahit sarili ko hindi naniniwala. Kinakain ko lang 'yung mga salitang sinabi ko kanina. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko, Jho. Parang hindi lang ako pagod, ubos na ako.”
Jhoanna started to rub her thumb at the back of Stacey's hand to signal her to continue while providing comfort.
“Pero kasi, mas hindi ko naman kakayanin kung si mama 'yung mawala. Kung ititigil ko lahat ng 'to, paano na si mommy? At isa pa, kung ido-drop ko ang academics para mag-focus sa trabaho at sa kanya, madidismaya 'yun. Magagalit si mommy, sisisihin niya ang sarili niya. That's the last thing I want to happen, Jho. Ayaw kong maging disappointment. I don't want to be a failure."
Stacey inhaled, steadying herself.
"Tapos, tayo. give and take dapat, 'di ba? Ikaw na lang kasi palagi ang may binibigay. "
She averted her gaze to Jhoanna's understanding eyes, it means she is done.
They can just finish the talk with that. But, Jhoanna being her, wants to share her perception. She wants her girlfriend to know how she views the situation. She doesn't want Stacey to think lowly of herself, because Jhoanna thinks otherwise.
“Love, I don't know kung anong bahagi mo ang sinasabi mong 'negative and ugly side' kasi hindi ko 'yun makita. Alam mo 'yung nakikita ko? Isang tao. Isang taong may emosyon, may pakiramdam, at sinusubok. Stacey, you don't have a negative and ugly side in my eyes. Yes, you do feel not-so-positive emotions ngayon, pero 'yun naman talaga ang dapat na maramdaman ng isang tao humaharap sa mga pagsubok, 'di ba? Tao ka, it's valid. Those—what makes a person human. Ang galing mo ngang i-manage ang nararamdaman mo. Isa pa, mahal kita, mahal ko ang bawat ikaw, ang bawat bahagi mo."
That's the truth of how Jhoanna really felt about Stacey. She's not telling that not only because she loves her—her love for her girlfriend is already given, yes. But another reason is because that's how she completely views emotions. An individual should never suppress themselves, must never stop themselves from acknowledging those—for as long as they know how to manage them without hurting other people in the process.
A beat of silence.
"Oo, gustong-gusto kong nakikitang nakangiti ka, gusto-gusto kong naririnig na tumatawa ka. Pero, alam mo kung bakit gusto ko 'yun? Kasi hindi ka nagpapanggap. At kaya kahit makita kitang malungkot o umiiyak, mahal pa rin kita dahil hindi mo dinadaya ‘yung sarili mo. You do you. I love you and I will choose you through the happiest moments in your life, and I swear, through the phases when you feel the most vulnerable, at pakiramdam mo na hindi umaayon sa plano o kagustuhan mo ang takbo ng buhay—I swear in every inch of my being, o sa kahit anong bahagi ng pagkatao ko, that these kind moments will never make me love you less. So love, thank you for not pretending, thank you for being you.”
"Jho...." Stacey's eyes reflected her appreciation to her girlfriend. It never fails to cause its intention. It always amazes the older one how carefully the woman in front of her chooses her words to soothe the tension that's bothering her.
"And Stacey, you are not required to manage everything all at once. No one is. Logically, kung sa school organization ang pag-uusap and academics—syempre dapat maayos ang pag manage kasi kailangan. But, p’wede naman may i-drop, ‘di ba? May priority.”
Jhoanna pressed her lips together, gathering all of her strength to stop her tears from spilling. Same goes with the older one.
“Pero hindi ka pag-aaral, Stacey. Katulad ng sinabi ko, tao ka. May limitasyon ka. Kung ubos ka na, subukan mo naman magpahinga. Katulad ng sinabi ko kanina lang, kahit ngayon araw lang. Love, lahat ng tao, napapagod at kailangan ng pahinga. Resting doesn't mean stopping, love. Resting means allowing yourself to embrace and acknowledge your limitations. Resting means allowing yourself to be a human. It’s a testament that you exert effort, that you are doing great. At saka, nandito ako. Nandito si Ate Maloi, Ate Colet, si Sheena, o sabihin ko na ang mga kaibigan natin. Maraming tao ang nandito para sa'yo, para kay tita."
Jhoanna let go of Stacey's left hand and caressed the latter cheek. The older one put her freed hand on the younger’s knee.
"I don't want you thinking that you are facing all of this alone. At this moment, I am here." Jhoanna continued.
"At 'yung sa give and take na sinasabi mo, mali ka. Hindi, pareho tayong may ibinibigay—may ibinigay. Noong mga panahon na stress ako, na may doubts ako, nand’yan ka. Binigay mo ang oras, ang presensya mo. Bawat pagdududa ko, ginagawa mong katiyakan. Walang palya. Even when we're in a room, silent, you provide comfort. With every hug you give to cradle me still, with every kiss on my temple after every crying session—nand’yan ka. Sa mga oras na hindi ko kayang magsalita, hindi mo ‘ko pinipilit. Kung wala ka, baka nabaliw na ako.” Jhoanna laughed, genuinely. Stacey just smiled at her with tears continuously falling from her brown orbs.
“Kung mga materyal na bagay ang usapan, you gave me gifts, love. Pero 'di naman 'yan 'yung pinaka-importante para sa'kin. Ikaw ang mahalaga, Stacey.” Jhoanna's voice cracked at the last end, her girlfriend immediately hugged her.
"I'm sorry, Jho. Mahal kita."
And Jhoanna, between her sobs:
"I'm sorry rin. Mahal at pipiliin kita."
If someone was destined to walk on the streets and hear some stranger' conversation. Random person approaching unscripted people, asking, if one is given a chance to change something with the only way to go back to the past, would they go? Then, that particular stranger will answer with no doubts in their voice—No.
Reason: Because it's the past that made them who they are now.
Then definitely, that stranger will never be Stacey.
If she couldn't possess such power of time-travelling, then she would rather have amnesia. Because honestly, throughout her journey with her girlfriend—Jhoanna, there’s a lot of happy moments they’ve formed together. So the reason why she would rather have that unwanted memory-loss than to treasure those is because it kept on reminding her one thing; to make her realize that happy memories are the saddest because you can never relive them.
I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry. I love you.
"I'm sorry. I love you...." A faint voice on the other line.
Stacey is currently showing the her medal on her mother on a video call.
"My, para ka na pong si Jho." Stacey snickerred upon comparing the two.
"Pero mommy, it's okay po! Magpagaling ka na d'yan, ha? That would be the best graduation gift I'll ever receive!" The ever-understanding-daughter continued. Her mother just smiled at her as she remembered something.
"Speaking of Jho, nasaan na pala si Jhoanna, anak? I want to thank your girlfriend for doing the thing I'm supposed to do!"
Stacey's mother beamed with excitement while she just chucked and turned her head to get a glimpse of her girlfriend. When she found her talking to one of her classmates, she waited until they finished the talk and proceeded to call her.
"Love!"
Jhoanna turned her head immediately. She knows that voice, all too well.
"Po?"
She said, walking near the girl. The older one just showed her the screen of her phone, her mother waving happily at the younger.
"Ay weh? Ba't hindi mo naman sinabi agad!" Jhoanna then rushed her pace.
"Ang oa." Stacey announced, rolling her eyes.
When the younger stopped beside her, Jhoanna wrapped her right arms around the older's waist then looked at the screen, grinning.
"Hi po, Tita Ivy!" She shouted, waving her left hand enthusiastically. Her girlfriend smacked her arms from being too loud while Jhoanna looked at her, offended.
"Hello, Jho. Congratulations anak, ha! Thank you so much nga pala sa pagsama sa stage kay Stacey. You don't know how much this means to me. Thank you for taking good care of my daughter...."
"Salamat po, tita! Saka po, small thing!” Jhoanna even used her left hand to make a hand sign of “small”, her thumb and index finger in close proximity.
“Gusto ko naman po! Pahinga lang muna po ikaw hanggang sa ma-regain ang strength. Ako muna po bahala kay Stacey. Promised po!”
Boyet, Jhoanna's father, hears the commotion. He started to walk to the girls, curious.
"Si Ivy ba 'yan? Hi balae!" When he finally got a good look on the screen, he waved.
"Oh, balae! Kamusta? Salamat ha!”
"Ito, ayos naman. Naku! Dapat talaga si Jhonna aakyat kasama si Stacey kasi ako kay Jho, kaso ito.” Boyet just point at his daughter while the latter just laughed together with the rest.
Boyet averted his gaze to find his wife, and when he spotted her, he gestured to the latter to come
“Jhonna, hon. Si balae ohh!"
Jhonna beamed with excitement and surprise as she jogged-walked to the spot.
"Hi balae! Kamusta na?"
"Hello balae! Okay naman, maayos na."
"Mabuti naman. Ay oo nga, ako dapat magsasabit kay Stacey. Kaso, itong anak namin, feeling magulang!"
"Hayaan mo na, sweet nga ang JhoCey natin!" Boyet teased, earning laughs from everyone.
"Tito Boyet! Ang hilig." Stacey said, laughing uncontrollably while Jhoanna fist bumped her father.
Later on, Stacey gave her phone to her Auntie Jhonna and Uncle Boyet so that they could talk to her mother more while she and her girlfriend decided to stroll around the campus and take pictures with the latter's phone so they could post them on Facebook and Instagram. The school has professional photographers for the Senior High School graduation, but they want to have a soft copy of that very moment—a testament of their overflowing love, finishing Senior High together. A moment in their journey’s timeline worthy to share to the world so no one could forget.
After taking pictures, their parents finished their talks. Jhoanna and Stacey decided to go to the parking lot first. The graduation concluded at 6:36 p.m.. Hence, they will buy dinner and go to the hospital where Stacey's mom stays—a simple celebration for the two’s success. When they stopped in front of the car, Stacey took Jhoanna’s right hand and looked at her.
"Jho, salamat. Sobra.” The younger smiled, taken aback with the sudden words of gratitude and the gesture.
"You don't know how much this means to me. Salamat sa pagsama sa pag-akyat ng stage kasama ako.” The older eyes grateful.
“An-”
Jhoanna was about to speak when her girlfriend hushed her with her index finger.
“Pero ‘di lang ‘yun, Jho. Thank you sa lahat. Thank you for helping me with my studies, even though we have different strands. Thank you for driving me every now and then. Thank you for the things you are doing, hindi ko man sila maisa-isa. Pero Jho, I swear—I noticed them. Lahat ng ‘yun, hindi ko man palaging sinasabi. Sa bawat sleep on call na dapat nga ‘Stacey-should-sleep-first-before-me’ ang tawag mo, kasi gano'n laging nangyayari, magigising na lang ako, naka-end na kasi ayaw mo akong ma-dead batt para magising ako sa alarm. Sa bawat lunch break, may dala-dala kang tissue para punasan ang utensils ko kasi alam mong may pagka-maarte ako. Ang dami pa Jho. Sobrang dami pa. Lahat ng ‘yun Jho, napapansin ko ‘yun.”
She smiled, appreciatively.
“Pero bukod pa roon… thanks for your patience, I know I tend to get hard-headed sometimes. Thank you for bearing with me, even if I tend to push you away, sometimes. Thank you for crying with me, whether it's happy or sad tears. Thank you for taking care of me, especially when I couldn't. Thank you for reminding me of my limitations, on the times when I needed to rest. Thank you for not treating me like something broken, hindi mo pinaramdam na kailangan akong ayusin. Thank you for handling me so well even when it gets hard. Thank you...." She trailed, tears forming.
"Love, s-"
"I’'m not yet done, Robles." Stacey composed herself, playfully glaring at her girlfriend. Threatening her.
"Thank you for entering my world, my walls—you chose to slip between their cracks instead of breaking them completely. Thank you for staying with me when I thought no one else would. And for the most thing you says and does that I am most grateful for,"
"Thank you for choosing me, even though you have plenty of reasons not to. Even if you have plenty of options that you can choose from.”
"Love naman eh! Nagpapaiyak.”
Jhoanna wiped the tears that dropped from her eyes.
“Soft hours mo, 'no? Salamat rin, love. Saka anong option? Wala. Walang ibang choices, ikaw lang.”
“Ah, so wala kang choice kaya ako ang pinili mo?!” Stacey lets go of their hold and smacks Jhoanna's arms, rolling her eyes. She crossed her arms, pretending she was sulking even though she knew what her girlfriend really meant. The younger’s eyes widened in realization so she waved her hand dismissively.
“Love, you misunderstood!”
“Ah, so kasalanan ko pa?”
“Hindi! Sorry! What I meant is walang ibang pagpipilian kasi nag-iisa ka lang. Ikaw lang ang itinuturing kong choice.”
“Eh paano kung maraming ako?”
“Pwede ba ‘yun? Kahit magkaroon ka ng kakambal, ikaw parin. Kahit triplets pa nga o quadruplets. Kasi, hindi lang naman panlabas na anyo mo ang gusto ko kung hindi buong pagkatao mo.”
“Eh paano kung magkaroon ng maraming Stacey?”
“Ha? Parang clone?”
“Oo!”
“Edi hahanapin ko ang gumawa ng mga clone mo.”
“Bakit? Para alisin ang mga clone ko?”
“Hindi, ikaw pa rin naman ang gusto ko. Pero kung isang Stacey nga, gustong-gusto ko—bakit naman ako tatanggi sa madami? Kaso hindi ko naman sila kayang suyuin isa-isa kapag lahat sila sabay-sabay nagtampo.”
“Oh, so ano nga gagawin mo?”
“Hahanapin ko ang gumawa ng mga clone mo kasi magpapagawa rin ako ng Jhoanna clone, para lahat ng Stacey clone mamahalin ng Jhoanna clone.”
“Parang sira!” Stacey giggled, uncrossing her arms.
“Kinikilig ka naman.” Jhoanna teased.
“Pero check na sa bucket list ko! Hindi lang pareho tayong aakyat ng stage, magkasama pa! Pero correct ko lang, anong hard-headed sometimes? Baka always." The younger, trying to ease up the atmosphere.
"Parang ewan naman 'to!"
"Pero hindi naman ako magpapatalo! My turn"
“Competitive talaga, ha! Pati ba namin dito. Saka anong ‘My turn’? Hindi ka naman player ML na magsasabi n’yan tapos mamamatay lang naman din.”
"Mylabs, gandang babae mo sana kaso may pagka-mais ka rin pala.” The younger one teases.
“Kung sabunutan kita?” Stacey playfully rolled her eyes.
“Joke lang naman! Pagka-bayolente naman nito. Pero seryoso na, thank you for seeing me, for acknowledging me. Pero syempre, I want you to know how much I appreciate you too. So, thank you.” Jhoanna's voice was laced with seriousness.
“Thank you for allowing me to come up to that stage with you. It could've been other people, pero hinayaan mo ako. Thank you for your patience, I know I can be persistent sometimes. Thank you for making things bearable for me. Thank you for allowing me to cry with you, through good and bad. Thank you for allowing me to take care of you. You know, you take good care of me too! Thank you for accepting me in your life, and for hearing me out. Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing me to have you by my side even when it gets hard."
She took her time reaching for Stacey’s hand and intertwined its fingers with her.
"And, thank you for allowing me to enter your world, and for slipping between mine too. Thank you for allowing me to stay, and for staying even if you could've just left. At para rin sa pinaka-pinagpapasalamat ko rin,"
"Salamat kasi nakikita mo ako at pinipili mo pa rin ang tayo kahit maraming ibang choices ka pang pwedeng piliin."
Stacey let go of their hands once again and caged Jhoanna in her arms. Jhoanna was shocked but immediately returned the embrace. Instead of letting go after a beat, they decided to savor the moment as if they are gonna lose each other if one fails to hold the other seconds too early.
Jhoanna was first to let go, reluctantly. Even though she doesn't want to, she forces herself because she still has something to do.
"Wait lang, love. Dito ka lang" She faced her girlfriend, pinching her cheek. She jogged away even before Stacey was able to respond.
"Saan ka pupunta?"
"Wait lang po."
Stacey just watches her with curiosity. Jhoanna just went to her car’s trunk and took something, hiding it behind her back as if she's a kid who was about to show something to their parents. She marched to the spot she's originally at with a grin plastered on her face.
“Ano na naman ‘yan?” Stacey tries to peeked at her girlfriend’s back
"Surprise." Jhoanna showed what's behind her, a bouquet of (Stacey's favorite) Pink flowers with their recognition photos, polaroid since their seventh to their ninth’s, including their eleventh grade photo, their moving up photos from tenth grade—and then an empty stick, indicating the last picture to be added, their Senior High School graduation.
They've been friends since the start of junior high. With Jhoanna being in the same class as Stacey. The younger is their class president, outstanding but friendly. Even though she looks intimidating, that kind person who will not smile at you unless you do first, she is approachable. Being good at socializing, she befriended Stacey—the quiet but sassy-looking girl who she noted as very kikay. Even though the older girl looks very ‘maarte and maldita’, that didn't stop Jhoanna from approaching her, she wants everyone under her leadership to be comfortable with her. Stacey also caught her attention, she noticed how all of Stacey's stuff is pink—from the latter's bag to all of her notebooks and pens, even correction tape, except for her crayons, of course.
Jhoanna, being well aware and vocal of her sexuality started to have a crush on Stacey in their ninth grade. Maybe because they’ve always been together, best of friends. She even started to talk about the girl to her parents, especially her dad. She decided to confess after completing their tenth grade, thinking that Stacey will be transferring to another school for her Senior High journey. Well, that didn't happen. The Pink lover stayed. Stacey is actually bisexual, so when she found out that Jhoanna—her best friend as well as the person she's been admiring since the start of their tenth grade, partly because of how gentlewoman she is and how she led the class, told her feelings.
"Jho. Hala, thank you. Wala akong na-prepare. Is it okay if bukas na lang? I feel bad tuloy." Stacey carefully received the flower while sadness was evident and her face and voice.
"It's okay, love. Kahit next year mo pa ibigay, ikaw parin ang best gift na natanggap ko!" Jhoanna even does a thumbs up to convince her loved one.
The assurance that each other gave is totally enough. It makes them feel and think, even if they feel lost, they would always be each other's compass or map. In any direction, whether it's north or south, left or right, they know they will always find themselves in the hold of each other. They still have a long way to go, but they are aware that they will walk on “that” path side by side.
"Stacey, mahal kita. Pinipili kita."
They hugged.
"Jho, love?"
“Po? Uy, huwag mag-sorry. Okay lang nga!”
Stacey said it in her mind instead,
I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sorry. I love you
"I'm sorry. I love you... "
“Nakakapikon na, ha. Wala ‘yan magagawa, Jho. Sinayang mo ang oras ko.” Stacey's tone was serious, mad.
"Love, please to look at me. I’m here to take accountability of what I’ve did. I’m very sorry, nawala kasi sa isip ko. Marami kasing due this week and may by-pair article na gagawin together ang juniors with the seniors sa Journalism na kanina lang nag-announced tapos bukas na ang deadline, I decided to finish it with my pair.”
"Ewan ko sa'yo! "
"Love, I'm really tired today. Please? "
"Jho, kung napapagod na pala sa'kin, edi hiwalayan mo ako!"
"Love, I mean I'm tired sa mga ginawa ko. Hindi sa'yo. I would never get tired of you. Can you please stop yelling po?"
"Maka-demand ka naman? Pasalamat ka nga sinagot ko na 'yung tawag, tapos ngayon maiinis ka kasi sumisigaw ako kahit na alam naman nating dalawa kung sino ang may kasalanan?"
"I'm sorry, I love you."
"Talaga ba, Jho? Sorry na naman, I love you na naman? Jho. Nag-antay ako nang tatlong oras kasi sabi mo, you'll pick me up then after that we'll go to the new restau na sinasabi mo. Hinintay talaga kita at hindi ako nag-commute para lang makasama ka kasi it's been a while since we get to go out again. Kapag ako ‘yung free, sasabihin mo 'sorry, may tatapusin pa ako. Mahal kita'. Pagod na rin naman ako, Jho. Ang dami kong bitbit kanina. Tapos higit pa doon, umasa ako. "
"Love... "
"You could've just called me para nakapag-commute na lang ako at hindi na naghintay pa sa wala. Edi kahit papaano, hindi ako ganito kainis sa'yo."
“Sorry talaga, love. Akala ko kasi tumawag a-”
"Tapos Jho, 'di ba umulan? 'Yung plates ko na tatlong araw kong ginawa, nabasa...."
Jhoanna’s eyes widened, guilt palpable in her face.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry."
"Malamang hindi mo alam, busy ka sa ka- pair mo eh! Enjoy na enjoy ka siguro, ‘no?”
"I'll help you, punta ako d'yan right now." Jhoanna announced, ready to stand up.
“At talagang ‘di mo sinagot. Enjoy na enjoy ka nga?”
“What do you mean?”
“‘Yung huli kong sinabi. ‘Di mo man lang sinabi kung sinong ka-partner mo.”
“Hindi naman kasi natin pinag-uusapan ‘yun so I thought hindi na importante ‘yun … but I’m sorry, dapat sinabi ko pa rin. It’s Ate Aiah, love.”
Jhoanna whispered, exhaustion is evident in her voice. Stacey exhaled through her nose.
A bit of silence.
“Pupunta ako d’yan, I swear I’ll help you.”
"Huwag."
"Stacey. "
"Sa Thursday pa ang deadline, Tuesday pa lang ngayon. Subukan mong pumunta dito, makikipaghiwalay ako sa'yo. " The shocked in the younger’s eyes shows, while Stacey doesn't want to say that—she knows she had to.
"Love. "
"I said no. "
A moment where no one one dares to speak. The silence around them is heavy and suffocating.
"Matulog ka na kung pagod ka pala. "
Stacey was still concerned but she masked her tone with firmness.
"I’m okay. Can we sleep on call? Or maybe stay like this?”
"Huwag na. Low batt na ako.”
"Love, please? Hindi ko talaga ka-"
"Jhoanna, ayaw ko sa lahat 'yung pinipilit ako! Low batt na nga, kailan ka ba hindi nakaintindi?!”
Jhoanna, even Stacey herself was flabbergasted by her outburst.
“L-”
Call Ended.
Stacey looked at her battery icon, 79%. Even if her phone is really at low battery, she would charge it while on call with her girlfriend just to talk to her.
Of course, her plates are not wet nor destroyed—she already passed it. Today was the deadline. She was so excited to meet Jhoanna because she got high marks on her plates, with her professor praising her. She just told her that it was wet and destroyed so that the younger will feel bad and guilty. She's also testing what the woman would do if she said that. Jhoanna didn't fail her, Stacey knows that her girlfriend will insist on going to Stacey's to help her with her plates. She's content with that.
As for Jhoanna, even with her persistence, if Stacey threatened that she'll break up with her, she’ll really do it. She knows her girlfriend will do exactly what she says. Stacey always stick to her words. Jhoanna didn't want that to happen, so she stopped herself from coming to Stacey’s. Instead, she decided to go to Stacey's tomorrow—giving the latter a chance to cool her head off. She knows she deserves the rage, she forgot to call her girlfriend—or let's say she thought she already called her. She's taken accountability, she just hopes the girl would be okay seeing her at their house tomorrow.
Stacey really didn't mind what happened. Of course she understands how busy Jhoanna is. Yes, she really hates that Jhoanna didn't inform her, it really did rain and she got soaked—she really waited for three hours just to be disappointed. But being her understanding self, that's okay. She’d gone through worse with how other people made her expect things. She also understood that Jhoanna really forgot and that she really meant her apologies. Everything was fine with Stacey.
But the thing is, Jhoanna being paired with “that girl”, Aiah—one of Joanna’s seniors in their Journalism org., made Stacey insecure. Jhoanna didn't tell Stacey about her being paired with Aiah because for her it's not important, Stacey wasn't even the type to care. However, Stacey finding out from her best friend that Aiah is her girlfriend’s pair, didn't sit right with her.
Aiah is known in the school for being brilliant—or rather outstanding, her kindness never fails to charm everyone around her. Aiah was flawless in everyone’s eyes. Her personality and humor is also something like a top notcher on a board exam. But truthfully, her face didn't help because it feels like He took His time in creating the woman. Goddess is an understatement.
What made her more insecure is knowing that Jhoanna used to have a crush on the woman in their seventh grade. Aiah was in tenth grade that time. Stacey's girlfriend used to mention how she admired Aiah. Stacey doesn't really care that time because she just really likes Jhoanna platonically, but now—she doesn't really know. And for her, it's a “Wow” moment because she and her girlfriend decided to be at the same school as the eldest so it is really not impossible that they'll see each other around. Especially with Jhoanna, it's inevitable because she is in the same organization as Aiah.
So, the reason for Stacey's madness is really not about those—it’s about Aiah being paired with her girlfriend. She would understand if it's a guy because Jhoanna wouldn't even bat an eye on them, she's also still very vocal about their relationship and her sexuality. Any other girl would also do, but Jhoanna really had to be paired with some “former crush” annoys the hell out of her. Albeit she is aware that Jhoanna has nothing for the girl anymore because Jhoanna used to only say that what she felt for Aiah back then was just a “happy crush”.
Now, Stacey is lying in her bed—rethinking her life choices.
“Am I being petty?” She dismissed the thought by shaking her head. She wants to call her girlfriend, but her pride is stopping her. They've promised to each other that they will never sleep with a heavy heart, but here they are. Here she is.
STACEY'S
But you know,
It's different kind of torture when someone can't blame themself for something that is out of their control, but they can't help it because they have the most capability...
Stacey woke up still feeling the heaviness of last night. She checked her phone, hoping for a message from her girlfriend, expecting another “I’m sorry. I love you.” and a long message that she knows her girlfriend composed for an hour or two. But nothing.
“Himala.” She murmured.
It's Sunday, she doesn't have any class scheduled for the day. She decided to start the day, not daring to initiate a conversation with her girlfriend. She is alone in their house, her mother is at a restaurant where she works as a head chef. She and Jhoanna used to share an apartment in their Senior High School days, but after her mother had a critical diagnosis, she decided to leave the apartment—Jhoanna alone, and stay with mother to ensure she is doing well. Stacey really wanted to take care of her mom, repaying her sacrifices. Growing up, her mother worked hard to give her a comfortable life. Hence, they are well-off, the only time where Stacey had to work is when her mother got into a serious life-or-death situation since no other people could. Right now, her mother is alright—getting back to work after a year of recovery.
In the middle of Stacey's breakfast where the soft clicking of her utensils and the hum of their refrigerator were the only things heard, her phone rang. Her aura brightened up, thinking that it might be Jhoanna calling. But the caller name indicates “Ate Colet”. Nevertheless, she picked it up.
“Hello, ate?”
“Good morning, Staks! Kasama mo si Jho?”
“Hindi eh.”
“Ah, gano'n ba. Hindi kasi sumasagot sa tawag kanina pa. Alam mo na, baka bebe time ninyo kaya nag DND.”
“Sira ate, hindi ‘no!”
“Sige, puntahan ko na lang. Hinahanap na kasi siya ni Aiah dahil may kailan i-revise sa paper na ginawa nila, ngayon daw kasi ang pasahan.” Stacey rolled her eyes upon hearing Aiah’s name.
“Aiah na naman.” She whispered irritably, rolling her eyes.
“Ha? Ano sabi mo?”
“Ah, wala ate.”
“Sige, puntahan ko na ha. Bye, Staku!”
most capability…
The capability to make them feel loved, seen and heard at last. But somehow, you failed.
Because honestly, with the second ringing of my phone that I’ve received that day—I thought it would be her. But it shows the caller name “Ate Colet”, again. I was disappointed.
Pero no’ng iyak ang unang sumalubong sa’kin at ang mga salitang “Stacey. I’m sorry. I went to Jho and saw lying on the bed...”, hindi ko na alam ang mga sumunod kasi sa totoo lang—isa lang naman ‘yung hindi ko makali-kalimutan na sinabi niya kasi dire-diretso na ‘yung mga sumunod na hikbi ni ate—ang malinaw lang sa’kin:
“Wala na si Jho."
That's why I began to question my existence, myself.
These what ifs.
That very night when she told me to stay on call, if only I didn't hang up just because I was annoyed, and let my pride down.
If I had been humble then
if we were just on call
if I had just agreed
if I hadn't put my annoyance, my jealousy first
and if I only heard her snoring loudly and woke her up, would she still be alive?
I’m sorry. I love you.
I’m sorry. I love you.
I’m sorry. I love you.
“I’m sorry. I love you…” voice trembling, Stacey is holding the lifeless frame of her deceased girlfriend. She is in her bedroom. Dark. Cold. Uninviting. She sits up on her bed, her head and back pressed on the headboard, her knees caged with her arms. After suppressing her emotion as she drives her car to head to their house from her Ate Maloi and Ate Colet’. The question still lingers “Why po, tinang?”.
Despite the Pink wall, the Pink bed and everything Pink in the room, the only thing that makes her feel like it's worthy to stay is the picture she asks a stranger to take with Jhoanna's phone. She and the younger, body pressed, smiling together with their eyes, heart both beating for each other. Now hers is the only one left to pump blood, to beat. Also, maybe one of the reasonable things for her to stay there is that that's the only spot where she could cry, where she could let go. Temporarily. Of everything that's been too heavy to handle in front of everyone. She needs to pretend it didn't affect her anymore. She needs to pretend she already moved forward. She's pretending… and pretending is the last thing Jhoanna wants her to do because the latter used to tell her “I love you for being you.”
I’m sorry. I love you.
I’m sorry. I love you.
I’m sorry. I love you.
“I’m sorry. I love you,” Stacey said one more as she chuckled, sarcasm evident in her tone.
“That's what you always say when I’m mad or you feel bad… or you are apologizing.” She nodded, acknowledging the memories of how her girlfriend starts every apology with that.
“Whether it's in person or message. I used to be very mad or sulky when I heard or read that line because it reminds me that you did something that you know I wouldn't like….”
With tears welling up in her eyes, she stared at the ceiling as if it could stop the tears from dropping continuously.
“But I’m not mad at you because you said that … I’m mad at people who made those two phrases feel like manipulative antics to get rid of their mistake, to avoid acknowledging their fault … but you're not one of them. You used them with guilt and accountability…”
She tightened her hold on the frame.
“But, I never imagined myself saying this to you, lifeless….” Her voice trembled at the end like she didn't want to acknowledge it, like she could still deny it.
“Because love, even if I hate it when you say that… I would like it for you to hear me say it for the last time, for you—with you breathing. Ako naman ngayon ang magsasabi.” She pressed her lips together. Preventing herself from making more sound that might wake her mother up who's just one room away from hers.
“But, maybe, I deserve to hear you saying that to me. Yeah, you should apologize to me instead. Because, you hid from me that there is a certain reason why you always wait for me to sleep first whenever we are on call…” Stacey completely broke down, the tears that she’s been trying to suppress from Maloi and Colet’s house spilling. She sobs uncontrollably, her hug on the frame tightening. She slowly laid on her bed, adjusting herself. She hid her face on her Pink pillow, thinking that it could at least save her from being too loud with her sobs and sniffs.
“I wasn't even able to give you a proper good night, a good bye.” Voice cracking, eyes swollen. Cheeks and nose turning Red.
STACEY'S
I couldn't let go of the guilt that I’ve been carrying. The grief that I've been ignoring. The emotions I’ve been suppressing. Because if I only knew what would happen—if I knew that I had the highest chance to keep her alive, I would have taken the chance. Ako pala ‘yung may pinakamataas na tyansang panatilihin siyang humihinga, ba’t ko pinalampas ‘yun.
But what hurts me the most is when I reimagine that moment if I were in the point of view of my love. It was the last few minutes of her life, but her girlfriend is making her sleep with a heavy heart, her girlfriend who she loves more than anything, more that she loves journalism—pushes her away.
The pain is still there, but slowly, I'm starting to live and grow with it. But to be honest, masakit pa rin pala kahit nasasanay ka na?
So, even if everyone tells me that I didn't do anything for that to happen, that's the point. I loathe the fact that I didn't even do anything just to keep Jhoanna breathing.
And it feels like a huge punishment, hearing from my friends and other people that I should move forward, telling surely that Jhoanna was already happy seeing me right now so strong and having a smile that seems to fade when she left, from the above. Pero, alam kong pilit lang ‘yung mga ngiting ‘yun. Alam ‘yun ni Jho, kung nandito lang siya. My girlfriend wouldn't even tell me to move forward because she tells me that it took time. There will never be another Jhoanna in my life.
But it’s true, masaya naman na siguro ang lahat, ako na lang ang hindi.
Naalala ko tuloy no'ng bata ako, no one noticed that I was drowning—until a lifeguard saw me. Parang gano'n pa rin hanggang noong nandito pa siya. No one noticed that I was drowning—until Jho saw me, and saved me when no one else can.
Perhaps in the end, it wants me to learn and reflect on some things. I’ve wished I didn't allow my pride to prevail over love while she's still here, for the weight of 'what ifs' is heaviest in goodbye.
Stacey's eyes are starting to close, but she is forcing herself to stay awake because she remembers that she hasn't answered something. So, despite the exhaustion, despite trying to steady her sobs and sniffs, she opened her trembling lips to respond to the unanswered question of what her godson asked her earlier.
“Little kiddo…” She whispered into the wind, as if it could carry the words to the curious child.
"I wish I was a time traveler, so I could go back from my past,” She hesitated, finding it hard to admit what's about to come out from her lips.
“And change ‘that part’.”