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Fai is forced to remind himself, for what has to be the hundredth time since they arrived in Janiean, that he hates Kurogane. It shouldn’t be something he forgets so often —not after what he did, not after the monster he turned Fai into— but it’s taking more time to adjust than Fai would have thought. These last seven days have been spent stumbling over Kurogane’s name and breaking off mid-sentence before his opinion can be asked; the number of times Fai has caught himself asking Kurogane’s thoughts on gifts for the kids is, quite frankly, ridiculous.
And Kurogane doesn’t make it any easier for him. He catches every slip, every stumble, every misstep, and, somehow, that makes things so much worse. Fai supposes it makes sense in a twisted way. If he could just bring himself to hate Kurogane, it would be a clean break. But as it is now, it’s just this awful partial break that’s only causing more pain. They’re both left watching as everything they built together is slowly torn apart. Neither knows which word or action will finally sever that thin thread that’s holding them together, but they know it’s coming.
So, here Fai is, having to constantly remind himself not to reach out when he sees the hurt in Kurogane, the hurt he is putting there. Reminding himself not to apologize, to not let Kurogane know this is for his own good, that the pain he feels now will be nothing compared to the pain if Fai stays.
They’ve been in Janiean a week when Kurogane approaches Fai about eating for the first time. He’s been subtly dropping hints the whole time, which is surprising because Kurogane is as subtle as the pain of his transformation, but it seems his patience has run out now. The kids are out shopping when it happens. Fai is sitting on the front porch waiting for their return when Kurogane approaches him. He sits next to him, holds out his arm, and says eat, all attempts at subtlety gone now.
Fai pretends he doesn’t hear him. He may be a monster now, but he refuses to behave like one. That first drop of blood Kurogane forced upon him will be the last he drinks. As he continues to stare ahead of himself, Kurogane grows frustrated and again tells him to drink. This time, he doesn’t ignore Kurogane. He tells him firmly and with finality, no.
Thankfully, before Kurogane can argue, ‘Syaoran’, Sakura, and Mokana turn the corner. Fai stands to greet them, not sparing Kurogane another glance.
That night, he dreams he’s back in that Pit. His stomach cramps as he walks over corpse after corpse, but there is no food to be found.
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Zephia is cold. Normally, this wouldn’t bother Fai, seeing as he is from two worlds far colder than this, but the cold, combined with his hunger, doesn’t help with his nightmares. These biting winds are so similar to that of Valeria that every snowflake that lands on him takes him back to that place.
Even the house they’re renting is cold. They’re forced to bundle up in all the clothes they’ve gathered throughout the many worlds they’ve been to. As Fai lies down to sleep that night, hunger gnawing at him, he knows it’s going to be a bad night.
Yuui stares up at the Tower, praying that Fai is at least somewhat protected from the chill in the air. The bitter cold has left Yuui’s fingers and toes black and numb. He has tried everything to ward off the cold, even going so far as to take the coat off one of the corpses and wrap himself in it. He’d taken the coat and curled up between two bodies, but there was no body heat to be shared.
The only thing worse than the cold was the hunger. There’s a pit in his stomach that he thinks will never be filled. It constantly calls for his attention, so much so that he barely notices the cold anymore. There is no food here, though, so there is nothing he can do about it. There have been times when he’s eyed the bodies around him in consideration, but, unlike with the coats, he cannot bring himself to do it.
He wanders for hours with nothing but the corpses to keep him company in search of food. He checks the bodies to see if they have scraps of food, and he looks for plants that might have grown here by some miracle. There is nothing.
Yuui thinks of poor Fai feeling the same hunger he does, and he cries. He just doesn’t understand what they did to deserve this. They were just born together, that’s it. He and Fai have been left here to freeze and starve because they were born.
Fai awakes with a start and stares up at the ceiling. He has a strong desire to go to Kurogane and drink, but he refuses to give in. He’s survived this awful starvation once; he can do it again.
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In Naeinaj, he can no longer take the hunger. The line between past and present has become so blurred that he actually starts violently when Sakura-chan walks past. His thoughts scream that only death is allowed here, that the only other living being here is Fai, and he is miles and years and worlds away. He's nearly hyperventilating, and it's only when Sakura-chan lays a gentle hand on his shoulder that he realizes where he is.
He seeks Kurogane out then. It's one thing for his dreams to torment him, but this is something else entirely. He can not fulfill his mission like this. He cannot protect the princess like this.
It isn't hard to find Kurogane at all. The town they're staying in is poor, crushed under the weight of a ruthless lord who cares nothing about those under his care. They're lucky to have found a place to stay at all. It's a small room with a small bed shoved in the corner and a ratty, lopsided couch right in the middle. Being forced into such small quarters with Kurogane has only worsened Fai's mood. There's no hiding, and there's no privacy, even if Fai was willing to eat. But now, 'Syaoran' is in town trying to find what he can about the feather, and Sakura-chan has decided to take Mokona on a walk, giving Fai a reassuring smile with a sad knowing look in her eyes as she leaves. And there he is, sitting on the ratty couch, watching him as he enters the room.
Before Fai can even think, he is upon Kurogane, fangs sinking into his arm. The blood is both sweet and bitter; Fai has never felt so intoxicated. It makes him sick.
He's reminded of the first meal, that magnificent feast, that Asura-ou prepared for him after rescuing him from the Tower. He remembers the hesitance he felt upon looking at all the food spread before him. Hesitance born from half-remembered assassination attempts by an uncle who sought to see him dead.
He remembers the tender smile as Ashura-ou informs him that all this food is for him, that he can eat as much as he likes. Fearing that it's a trap, Fai tore into the food before it could be taken from him.
Later that night, as Ashru-ou sat beside him, apologizing and rubbing his back, Fai, sobbing silently, forced up everything he had eaten. He can still hear the regret in Ashura-ou's voice as he tells Fai that he hadn't known that the food would make him sick. He can still hear the regret in Ashura-ou's voice as he tells Fai that he hadn't known that the food would make him sick.
Fai remembers slumping to the ground and being unable to lift his head. He remembers, through blurry vision, Ashura-ou reaching for him with shaky hands while he frantically called for help. He remembers the shame and guilt for causing his new guardian so much worry. He remembers through the sobbing, through the burning in his throat, through the sharp, twisting pain in his stomach, and the fear of death, calling for Fai over and over.
Most of all, he remembers hating himself.
As Fai pulls away from Kurogane, who is paler than usual with slightly glazed eyes and trembling arms, Fai can't help but find it funny how some things never change.
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They’re in Amexasnie, and Fai feels like he can ignore the hunger. The fact that he drank doesn’t mean anything; it was just a one-time thing. He’s gone longer without eating. He can survive this. However, there are times when he looks at Kurogane, and all he feels is hunger. He looks at him, and he sees food.
It makes him sick. He was already cursed with misfortune, and now he’s a monster too. He’s tried so hard to be good his whole life, and now look at him. He can’t stand anything about himself.
He may be a monster, but he will control himself.
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In Thaeya, he cracks.
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Fort City Bit is a place so full of magic that Fai can practically taste it. He can't help but feel that had they landed here earlier in their journey, he would have loved it. As it is now, however, he finds there isn’t much of anything he can enjoy.
He’s out on his own- avoiding Sakura-chan and Mokona’s uncharacteristic sadness, avoiding ‘Syaoran’s’ watchful eyes, avoiding Kurogane’s everything- when it happens.
This world is trapped in a never-ending night. There is something about the current queen, Fai isn’t sure what, that keeps her from fulfilling her duty. Until she does what she needs to do, morning will not come. He isn’t expecting to run into her.
Chii, this world’s version of his mother, stares blankly up at him. Fai’s heart stutters, and he’s back in Celes with Chii promising to stand guard over Ashura-ou. He blinks, and she’s sitting at the edge of Fai’s pool, playfully kicking her feet through the water while she smiles up at him, laughing at something he’s said. Another blink and she’s just been created, cooing over how cute he is, and promising to take care of Fai. One last blink and he’s in Valeria, his mother gently brushes the hair out of his face and kisses his forehead, and tells him she loves him. It’s the last time he ever sees her.
He grabs Chii’s hand and runs.
He never got to know his mother, not really. He was so young when she died that the only thing he could base Chii off of was her looks and the faded memories of her gentleness and soft-spoken words. He wants the chance to get to know who his mother really was.
But this Chii has no memories. She’s just as quiet, curious, and painfully innocent and earnest as the Chii in Celes was when he first made her. Fai can’t remember his mother well enough to know if this is a consistent personality or if the two Chiis he knows are like this because they have no memories. It pains him that he’ll probably never know for sure.
But despite how painful it is, seeing this version of Chii’s wonder at the world around them brings the first real smile in months to his face. He allows himself to forget, just for a while, everything else. He’ll regret it later, he’ll be racked with so much guilt for allowing himself to forget what a monster he is, but for now, all he focuses on is Chii. On Chii and those old faded memories of Fai and him playing with their mother before everything went to hell.
He’s so caught up in the moment that he’s shocked at Kurogane’s sudden presence, even more so by the smell of his blood. Fai drank when they first landed in Thaeya, but they were in that world for two months, and he hasn’t drunk since then. It’s the longest he’s gone without feeding, and he’s been surprised by how few flashbacks he’s been getting. He’s been so numb lately, both physically and emotionally.
Apparently, Kurogane has been fighting off the guards looking for Chii. How Kurogane knew Fai was with Chii, he’ll never know, but the fact that he fought so Fai could have that time touches Fai, and that pisses him off. He shouldn’t be touched by anything Kurogane does; he’s supposed to hate him. Fai squashes down the gratitude that he feels and looks Kurogane over, curious about the smell of blood.
One of the guards got a lucky shot in and sliced Kurogane’s arm. It’s not a deep cut, but it’s bleeding quite a bit. Fai bites down hard on his bottom lip to keep himself from jumping Kurogane. He desperately wants to drink, but he holds himself back.
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The smell of blood is the first thing that hits Fai when they land in Tsarastora. It’s so potent that Fai feels his teeth start to ache. Thankfully, before Fai can do something he’ll regret, a group of children appears.
They throw rocks and insults. Their anger and grief can be felt in the air. It doesn’t take long to realize that Syaoran-kun has been here, that he’s torn apart this world in his search for a feather. Looking at the bodies that lay all around, Fai grieves for that sweet kid he once knew.
Sakura-chan throws herself in front of ‘Syaoran’ and calls for Mokona to send them to a new world as the rocks hit her.
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They’re playing a dangerous game of chess in Infinity. Sakura-chan’s feather is on the line, so they don’t have a choice, but for Fai, it is torture. Every game, they are injured, and every game, Fai must restrain himself from jumping Kurogane.
They’re back in their apartment when Kurogane approaches him. He doesn’t even get a word out before Fai is upon him. Normal Kurogane wraps his injuries immediately after a match, but hasn’t this time. The whole walk home, the smell of Kurogane’s blood was driving Fai crazy, and now he can’t hold back.
Once again, he has left Kurogane pale and dizzy. The guilt eats at him, but he refuses to show it.
After this, Kurogane becomes more insistent that Fai drinks. He tells him that he needs to eat more often in smaller amounts. Fai won’t hear it. Those few times he has eaten were just moments of weakness, and Fai will be stronger.
Kurogane has other plans, though. When it becomes clear that Fai is not going to feed on his own, Kurogane takes matters into his own hands. They’re alone in the apartment the first time Kurogane slices his arm open in front of Fai. Fai is too in shock to realize what’s happening at first. Kurogane tells him it’s going to bleed no matter what, so he might as well drink. Fai walks away.
The next time he does it, Fai’s guilt will not let him leave again. He drinks. It becomes a routine after that. Fai hasn’t felt this full since he became a vampire. Fai has never been more grateful to have someone take his choices from him. And, next to himself, he has never hated someone more.